Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

One Woman’s Fear That “Wedding Ring” = “No More Random Male Attention…EVER!”

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***Hello, everyone. Please welcome Chris E. to the VSB pulpit. Since this is her first time, I added a few notes under some of her words to, um, help her out. Who said I wasn’t a gentleman?***

All the excitement of “when is he going to call?”, “I know what this text says literally, but when I stare at it long enough…”, and “why are you hiding in my car?” is done. Over. I jumped the broom into a new world of interaction with men: cordiality, appropriateness, and respect. I am a wife now, a southern preacher’s wife at that. To be admired quietly from afar, left alone with my #turndownforthis stone on my wedding band. It’s lovely and mildly terrifying knowing I’ll only hear Rick James’ “Cold Blooded” ad libs from one man for the rest of my life.

***So yeah. It’s quite difficult to pull off a full paragraph humblebrag—it took me three and a half years to learn how to do it—but Chris E. managed to land it on her first try. Wow. Good job, grasshopper. Also, is it bad that I still have absolutely no idea what any of these “turn down” references mean? Panama tried to explain it to me a couple weeks ago, but I got distracted by a video of someone twerking on a mailbox and tuned him out.***

I’m a former waitress, nightclub bartender, and Oakland resident—a city where ninjas will hop outta moving bus window for the number on you.

***From what I’ve heard about Oakland, I’m pretty sure they’re just making sure you recycle. And, by “making sure you recycle” I mean “asking if you strip.”***

Although I’ve never been dependent on it for validation, those factors made me accustomed to a lot of male attention. I live for the spectacular conversation that comes with being approached. As a screenwriter, it’s a fantastic dialogue resource. I could never come up with Too $hort banishing me from a domino game then walking across the Coliseum parking lot to inform me I put too much mustard on my hot dog on my own. What if seeing my ring suddenly stops all the Playas from the Himalayas from ever speaking up?

***You’re actually the first woman I’ve heard complain about this. Most I’ve talked to seem to consider the whole “guys won’t approach me as often if they see the ring” thing a good thing.***

A married man’s ring comes with the freak train station magnetic field. They instantly look ten times more desirable! My husband gets to motion with his left hand every other syllable in the pulpit and I have to deal with the women who lust for nothing more than their sanctified pastor. How do I stunt on the hoochie visitors if I don’t feel I’m still batting 1000? Can I look forward to keeping my lips pursed on these crows if my only extramarital affirmation of attractiveness from the opposite sex is an elder’s church hug? I’m used to being greeted with “SH*T! GOTDAMN!” Now it’s “Good morning, Sista, so nice to see you, be blessed, tell Pastor thank you for the message.”

***”Boo f*cking hoo.” — says every single Black woman ever. Seriously though, I have always wondered how married couples deal with that dynamic. Generally speaking, as men age and gain more social/financial status, our romantic options tend to increase. The opposite tends to happen with women. (Not always, but often) I can imagine that being a potential strain on a decades-long relationship.***

If this the real reason why Meagan Good wore that blue dress to the BET Awards, I totally get it.

***I get it too. In fact, I have a gallery of those pics saved to Google drive for those late nights when I’m not sure if I’ve still gotten it.***

Hearing “you’re beautiful” from same person all the time, who’s like, supposed to tell you that even when you’re looking like Gina at Martin’s high school reunion, requires a level of self-awareness on a whole nother frequency. I don’t know if I’m that self-aware. I need to be guided by feedback. Roars of applause before my boobs drop it lower than I can without being told on would be much appreciated. I don’t want to reach that Nicole Ari Parker peak wife fineness and be completely oblivious, realizing years later in a clawing panic.

***The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.***

If this is why Rasheeda made a video for “Hit It From The Back” while pregnant with dancers too uncomfortable to touch her while she rapped about fire coming out her asshole, I totally understand.

Newlywed neurosis has me buggin. I keep fearing I’ll turn into the wild auntie that makes everyone nervous at cookouts from unsolicited compliment deprivation. I live in a small town in Arkansas where street harassment is nonexistent… I can’t get a simple “smile, girl!” walking past a bum. I think about my friends and I celebrating our 30th birthday next year and tense up cause I’m not tryna be hit with the “why are you married in the club?!” diss.

***You do realize that this last paragraph gives concrete justification to all the guys who believe women actually appreciate (and need) street harassment, don’t you?” I’m just sayin.***

I don’t wanna be a dime deferred, a ragged raisin solely adored by vows and obligation. Just a flattering echo outside the home, a lil tug on my figurative bra strap, enough to know I still got it. All I ask. A bachelorette party performer named Hena C has traumatized me for eternity. I can’t seek that in strippers.

***”A Dime Deferred” is definitely a great title to a movie staring Monica Calhoun and Ron Artest that I’d never, ever, ever watch.***

Does it make a married woman insecure to enjoy hearing objective baritone fawning every once in a while?

***Yes. But, join the club.***

Where is the line drawn between post-matrimonial fun and post-matrimonial out of pocket?

***You can find more of Chris E. at Christina Wrote That or at some random southern church being subtlety side-eyed because she didn’t know all the words to Goin Up a Yonder***

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • omgohm

    Are you suuuure you want to be married? #i’mjustasking

    Then again, some ppl are natural, harmless, lifetime flirts….. but they may not be looked upon too favorably as a pastor’s wife

    • Sahel

      If we can show love to a pastors daughter,we can show love to the wife too. lol

      • Camilleblu

        You’re a mess…

        • Sahel

          Mmmh,Camille. Hows Indiana.

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      AM?!

      Hiya!

      *waves*

      :-)

      • omgohm

        AM??

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

          Lol. Sorry, thought you someone else.

  • LMNOP

    Have a baby. You seem like you might just have some extra energy, and a baby’ll take care of that real quick.

    • Sahel

      Hahahahaha,the opposite of redbull ey

    • Tristan

      babies, they clip your wings

      • kidvideo

        Correction….babies, they clip your wiiiiiings!!!!!!

      • http://recklessactsofpunctuation.tumblr.com/ dtafakari

        Lawd, you ain’t neva eva lied.

      • WIP

        LOL

  • Sahel

    Am cool with this new writer. Listen your fears are perfectly grounded and your honesty is refreshing. More women like Chris should admit that they enjoy the attention and not make it seem like us dudes are just after the P. Its about making women feel confident about their beauty.

    • Camilleblu

      Yeah…I think she’s being honest too. I just don’t want her to miss the forest for the trees.

    • Kema

      I really dont care what you are after… P or not. I’ll just take and give what I want. ;-) So compliments are always welcome.

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    Tell you what. You can walk 5 steps ahead of me when I have to go to my local downtown. Then the men can give you all the attention you desire and I can walk on by in your shadow unnoticed. You’ll be doing me a serious solid. Thanks in advance.

    • Sahel

      I feel you Val.

    • Tristan

      funny ive seen this actually implemented, chicks trot out they shamelessly flirtatious homegirl while they stay low and keep firing

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

        i used to have a shamelessly flirtatious gay man take care of things for me. ooo how it changed up the dynamics. the poor guys who tried to make it thru …. (giggles) ~ mmmmemories ~

      • Rachmo

        I totally do this. Takes the pressure off so I can drink my beer in peace.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Yeah, it’s definitely a thing. You just have to find the right woman to take the lead.

    • IcePrincess

      Erry time I hear the word “solid” I think of that episode of Regular Show. Anyone else on here kno what I’m talmbout? Lmfaooooo!!!

  • Madlark

    Yo, I got words but naw.

    • Sahel

      This post is hilarious. I think its meant to relax people after all of the crap from last week. Speak up bra

      • Christina aka Chris E :)

        Thank you!

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    But, that’s not Nicole Ari Parker in that pic, that’s Paula Patton, isn’t it?

    • kidvideo

      Yeah, that’s PP…but they could be sisters.

      • WIP

        nah, just because they light-skint doesn’t mean they look alike, LOL.

        • 321mena123

          Paula Patton is gorgeous. Ari Parker though… There is something about her face that i never thought was attractive. It looks melted for some reason.

          • Yoles

            ari parker stays having wack weaves with dry edges.. it messes up her whole face… the few times i have seen her with the wig tight, mama was looking good… imo

            • 321mena123

              You know what? I just looked up pictures of her. I take back my comment. She is pretty. It was this one movie I saw her in and her face just looked half melted for some reason. PP though?!? She may entire my top 5 sexy women list soon.

            • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

              I think Nicole is prettiest with short hair like it was on Soul Food.

      • http://www.TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

        I would gladly be a concubine/sister wife for PP…just to help out Robin Thicke ya know ;-)

        • kidvideo

          i”ll bring tha camcorder(with a tripod)…and some ginseng.

    • Christina aka Chris E :)

      I just loved the pic of Paula Patton. But I think Nicole Ari Parker is the epitome of Getting Finer With Every Anniversary.

    • WIP

      Yes, Paula Patton in her seemingly bubbly (drunken? high? on one?) state at the BET wards.

      • Yoles

        intoxicated… that covers either or my favorite… both ;)

        • Sahel

          The power of chemicals is strong in this one.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        She has a rep for showing up high.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          just say yes. yes.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Lol. That must be Paula’s motto.

            • Kema

              Thats something I can believe in

  • DG

    I remember a post on here a while back that dealt with the whole compliment thing (I think Damon wrote it), and how men rarely receive compliments from women…at least not directly, and especially not about how we look. I mean, I’ve had a woman compliment me on my eyelashes….I repeat, my eyelashes (what the hell was I supposed to do with that??) Conversely, women start hearing/receiving compliments (particularly about their looks/appearance) from the moment they exit the womb. It’s really how many women are socialized…

    Anyway, all this to say that things begin to level out as we mature: men start receiving more compliments about their attractiveness/desirability, whereas women receive fewer compliments about their looks (that’s not to say they receive fewer compliments overall…they may start receiving more compliments on other aspects, such as intelligence,). As stated above, men’s romantic options tend to increase as we age, particularly when we have our shyt together. This is amplified for married dudes: most of my married homeys get more attention than a little bit. And ministers/pastors??? Yeah, if panties could be lobbed at the pulpit, Sunday mornings would look like an R&B concert….

    To any women going through this, I would just suggest remembering all those compliments you received about how fine you are/were while growing up….stockpile them joints in your mental rolodex. And I mean, all them joints….the bum on the corner who yelled “Look at the a$$ on that chick”….stockpile that sh#t. The guy at the carwash who stared uncomfortably at you? stockpile that sh#t. Your uncle/cousin who used to hug you just a little too long? Ew…but still, stockpile that sh#t…lol.

  • chocolynne

    I went to a well-known East-coast divinity school with more than a few young married Black pastors who were there without their wives. Plenty of them took their wedding rings off while there. Plenty. I would only hear months later whether someone had a wife/family down South somewhere or the truth would finally come out when they’d show up for graduation. Let’s just say I know far too much and that there is a serious double standard for what is acceptable behavior in The Church.

    Chris, just learn how to relax within your new roll now because many inappropriate *compliments* still await in your future and you’ll be surprised at who’s got the gall to say it and where the hand is going to land. This is the time to figure out your dignified, stock response. And congratulations on your nuptials.

    • kidvideo

      Just like Champ stated about Meagan Goode’s dress at the BET awards…she wants ppl to know she married but still has sex appeal(she is a Hollywood actress, after all).
      We all need that extra ego boost from time to time.

    • Camilleblu

      You know…it always amazes me that people can put pastors so much “above” other men….my thought has always been that he’s a man 1st, and a man of GOD 2nd, so he’s capable of doing anything that any other man is capable of doing.

      • 321mena123

        Pastors can be some of the worst whore3s b/c women hold them right below God and above everyone else. They feed off of that crap.

        • Kema

          Craig Jones: [points across the street to Mrs. Parker] Look, look, she’s bendin’ over!
          Pastor Clever: Lord have mercy! God is my shepherd, and he knows what I want!
          Pastor Clever: [running across the street] Excuse me, Mrs. Parker? Mrs. Parker!

        • AfroPetite

          *nods head*

          Any man with even the smallest following is liable to have a gaggle of women waiting in the wings. Pastors get ALL the panties (wed or not).

      • Sahel

        Yeah,show you the way to heaven.

    • LMNOP

      Wow. o.O

    • Sahel

      Ok.am curious. Did you date a pastor and found out he got a ball and chain

      • chocolynne

        Some stories best travel with me to the next world.

        • Sahel

          I understand…

  • Yoles

    First CONGRATULATIONS on the nuptials… wishing you both years of boundless bliss and blessings!!! Second, I think that fear is real, we live in a world that tells us our most valuable assets ishow we look & what we can gain from it… just take a few deep breaths, smile & keep it hot! I’m sure there areplentyof men that wanna ask you what that fishy is like but refrain out of respect…trust me you will run into the disrespectful ones soon enough, just smile & walk away with a lil twitch cuz you still got it

    • Tristan

      because all women want is a two syllable dayum sometimes.

      • Camilleblu

        True dat…

      • Kema

        Hmmm…. I warrant holy talk in front of that two syllable dayum but to each their own.

        • Tristan

          them cakes worth a whole sermon

          • Kema

            Oh Tristan stop… I’m married! Not really but wanted to see how it would feel.

    • LMNOP

      The world tells us how we look is our most valuable asset, but we all have other valuable assets. This woman, for example, is funny and writes well. No doubt she has other valuable assets and things to offer the world, and it seems like now would be a great time for her to identify her strengths as a person, beyond being attractive to men.

    • Kema

      “put a little twist in the hips cuz (he) watching” I always think of Gloria in Waiting to Exhale. lol!

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

    a dime deferred does sound like a netflix movie i will scroll by everytime, unless i have a hoodrat date because hoodrats wear freakum dresses for no reason and dont believe in foreplay….half kidding.

    i sense a lot of bitter shade coming to this comment section, a happily married woman under 30, who just wants attention to validate her even though the ongoing lie is women will give up all the spoils of being hot with tigolbitties for that one guy if he ever got his act together and just took the leap. yeah, this could be interesting

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