One Of Y’all Need To Call Or Text Or Email Y’all’s Uncle Ben Carson And Tell Him That Slaves Weren’t Immigrants » VSB

Featured, Race & Politics

One Of Y’all Need To Call Or Text Or Email Y’all’s Uncle Ben Carson And Tell Him That Slaves Weren’t Immigrants

Repurposed Barcalounger with two dozen 10-year-old copies of Jet Magazine stuffed into it Ben Carson referred to slaves as immigrants during a speech he gave to HUD employees earlier today. This should be a surprise to exactly no one who has paid any attention to the words that have managed to escape Carson’s barely conscious mouth over the past two years, as he carries himself and speaks like his brain is A) stuck in The Sunken Place and is B) perfectly fine hanging out there as long as he has enough pretzels to eat and episodes of NCIS to watch. He is, at the time of writing, the world’s least helpful nigga.

But because Carson’s aggressive bout of malignant anti-brilliance now actually has the power to affect people’s lives, he must be stopped. Which actually confuses me. Because I know Ben Carson has family. Carson aint exactly an uncommon name, so he must have dozens of cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles. Plus the dozen or so people who always show up to family reunions and you’re not quite sure how they’re related or even if they’re even actually family but they’re always there and one even brought that really good whiting last year so you don’t ask questions. So why haven’t any of these people taken Uncle Ben aside and told him to chill with the “holding office” and “saying things in public” thing in a while? And, if that didn’t work, couldn’t someone just tell him the fam was meeting up at Old Country Buffet after church next Sunday and then, when he got there, locked him inside of the restaurant for the next year? I’m sure he’d be happy too. He’d have more than enough food and they could even install flat screen TVs to air nothing but HGTV and Root Sports.

Seriously, if anyone from the Carson family is reading this, take your gifted-by-osmosis hands and use them to kidnap and silence your Uncle Ben before he hurts someone! The country is counting on you.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Question

    I wonder what Candy Carson thinks about this. Yea, Uncle Ben is married… to a Black woman…

    • cakes_and_pies

      If she can’t hear how bad she sings here, I doubt she can hear him spewing his own nonsense. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Qb8Ce6HNHc

      • Val

        LMAO! Yeah, she has separated herself from reality.

        • BrothasKeeper

          She rubbed a little funk on it when she got to “waaaaaaave”.

          We need a new anthem. The SSB is a literal question.

      • miss t-lee

        I still remember laughing hysterically the first time I saw this.

        • Val

          Like I just did. That was hilarious. Lol

          • miss t-lee

            Yup. It’s one of my go-to videos when I need a laugh.

            • Mary Burrell

              LMAO!

              • miss t-lee

                I’m so sincere…lol!

          • Mary Burrell

            Oh my God! Why did he let her do that?

        • cakes_and_pies

          If this was an audience of dogs, they’d be howling at the sky and chasing their own tails.

          • miss t-lee

            Seriously…lol

          • Mary Burrell

            Oh my goodness that reminds me of those bad auditions of American Idol. I was sad watching that. i felt bad for her.

      • BrothasKeeper
      • Mr. Mooggyy
      • KNeale

        I had my hand covering my mouth the whole time I watched this. Ohmygoodnesslordpleasewhymylord.

      • Mary Burrell

        Bless her heart

  • MysteryMeat

    I hate him.

  • InezPerez
  • PinkRose

    I blame EXTENDED chemo brain, as a medical professional, I need to believe that there’s some physiogical explanation!!

  • Glo

    “That’s what America is about,” Carson said. “A land of dreams and opportunity. There were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships, worked even longer, even harder for less. But they too had a dream that one day their sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, great grandsons, great granddaughters might pursue prosperity and happiness in this land.”

    He made it sound like slaves were starry eyed and hopeful about beginning a new life in America…instead of, you know, kidnapped and forced to come here. The mental gymnastics it takes to turn slavery into some Disney ish have to be exhausting.

    • BrothasKeeper

      They weren’t slaves. They were freelance agriculturalists.

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        Voluntary Sanitation Specialist!

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        Really just unpaid interns, and all the best magazines and fashion houses have those, so how bad could it be?

        • L8Comer

          An actual texas textbook referred to slaves like this

          • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

            In Texas, they fixed the digital version I believe.

          • Bethelesley

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dl52c:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !dl52c:
            ??
            ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs342ShopFundGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!dl52c:….,….

      • OMG. Freelance agriculturalists. GENIUS.

      • Ha. I’m gonna have to steal this one and not give you credit.

        • BrothasKeeper

          Why I oughta!

        • AsamiSato

          I do this with anonymous Internet comments all the time and I’m not sorry about it.

    • He is half right, it is really what America is about.

    • DM.

      Right!?! I’m shocked he hasn’t pulled the:

      1. Africans kept slaves too!
      2. The Irish were also enslaved! It wasn’t a race thing y’all!

      ..cards
      He already said Obamacare was worse than slavery though so that beats them all lol

      • Mary Burrell

        The Africans also sold their slaves and The Irish were also enslaved are such tired deflection tactics, Dwights like to use when they want to play obtuse and stupid when it comes to discussing the evils of slavery.

        • J_JamesM

          Quite. As if two wrongs make a right, or a relatively minuscule quantity of evil somehow counterbalances a whole metric fuckton of institutionalized human misery.

        • BenDover

          Or the Arabs started the slave trade narrative or did it waaaaaaaaay before everyone else as if just cause they did it first it makes them better or less evil AF. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh these cockasians and their f&*k logic – I can’t.

          • FeeFee

            “cockasians “–Stolen!

          • Mary Burrell

            I need cockasians in my life ???

    • Val

      But logic or truth is not his goal. His goal is to have White folks love him. When you realize that, then you understand why he says what he does.

      • Diego Duarte

        He comes across as too docile and ritalin-doped to strike as the manipulative deviant, with an agenda type. No, if anything my money is on him being completely high on something at all times. If he wanted white folks to like him, he’d be out there saying meaner, and meaner sht about anybody not white, cis-gender and male.

        He seems… confused.

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Nahhh…he’s just in that Sucken Place.

          • SororSalsa

            Taps the teacup 3x….

        • Val

          Nah, high or not he knows what he’s doing. He’s too consistent with this rhetoric for it not to be on purpose.

      • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

        Exactly.

      • catgee12

        But they don’t love them h0ez … no matter how hard they try …

      • wullaj

        Truth. I live in AL and, sad to say, have the most racist human being as my brother-in-law. He has made it a point to tell me, several times, that he’s not racist because he loves Ben Carson.

        *sigh*

    • Wait. He actually said this $#!t???

      I need to go lay down.

    • “M”

      I’m a nervous fool because of what someone said on Twitter this morning — that if somebody (and it would happen during this Regime, too, as fond as they are of their “alternative facts”) were to class African-Americans as immigrants, it would make certain folks who are recognizable on sight – since I can’t see MAGA types checking for birthright citizenship before they shoot – far easier to deport.

      So I find myself hoping that everybody I know whom I’m related to and who looks like me has their BLUE passports up to date.

      Especially since the MAGA jackboots (ICE, CBP, TSA) have now taken to trying to check U.S. citizens’ IDs on DOMESTIC flights:
      https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/02/papers-please/517887/

    • Mary Burrell

      I’m sure the orange monkey with small hands patted him on the back and told him what a good boy he was for that speech and how he was a credit to his race.

    • ms. nylahou

      I feel like that’s what the Trump administration is trying to do — turn slavery into “some Disney ish”. Well said.

  • BatmansExWife

    Such a disappointment. I just don’t understand.

    Orrrrrrrrrrr….just maybe…the Trump administration is the real life version of “Get Out”

    • FarbissinaPunim

      Interesting. Do you think Justice Scalia is in Carson’s body? He should’ve gone younger, but since Carson is a neurosurgeon…connections!

      • BatmansExWife

        See! I wasn’t even thinking about Scalia. But that makes sense!

      • Mary Burrell

        LULZ

  • Alessandro De Medici

    There are two types of black conservatives/republicans:

    1. Black Ideological Conservatives – These people attach to conservatism because of the “idea of conservatism” it appeals to people like Malcolm Nance, Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice etc. Since it’s nothing more than an idea to them, it doesn’t come to conflict, with their experience or identity as black people. They can still stand for conservative ideas without feeling the need to recreate or lie about ancestral history in the United States as a foundation for their beliefs.

    2. Black Identitarian Conservatives – These people attach to conservatism as a way of detaching themselves from black people. For some it’s bitterness – maybe they didn’t feel comfortable with the black people they grew up with, felt betrayed or had uncle ruckusing in them; whatever it is, they feel an irrational need to run away from blackness and to get approval from a group of white people by increasingly becoming more and more anti-black i.e. David Clarke, Larry Elder, Jesse Lee Peterson, Tommy Sotomayor etc.

    It’s sad that Ben Carson is the latter. From month to month it seems he just continues to dig a bigger and bigger hole for himself.

    • cakes_and_pies

      Why is this phenomenon primarily seen in Black men? Or does it manifests itself differently in Black women?

      • DM.

        Omarosa ?
        Diamond and Silk?

        • Alessandro De Medici

          Honestly, I don’t think Omarosa counts. She’s more just a machiavellian opportunist. I doubt she believes in anything.

        • cakes_and_pies

          The Omen is engaged to a Black pastor.
          I believe Parakeet and Cockatoo want airtime and $$$. I see them dating a hillbilly version of David Clarke, not a david Duke.

        • miss t-lee

          I still refuse to believe those Diamond and Silk ladies aren’t some performance art piece.

          • DM.

            I think they know how dumb they look. They’re just there for the cash

            What’s creepy are the white folks at Ivanka’s Dad’s rallies who sit there cackling at the “Mhhmmm, das right HONEY! He gon build that wall” nonsense like it’s the greatest thing ever. ??

            • miss t-lee

              I just don’t understand. Never have, never will.

          • Mary Burrell

            they are a minstrel show

          • Mary Burrell

            Well i hope they were paid well for their minstrel performance

            • miss t-lee

              Also.

        • BenDover

          Stacey Dash?

      • Alessandro De Medici

        I’ve seen some black women on Fox News and youtube who have it. I think it with the men it’s usually more vitriolic.

      • Question

        I think Black women who are trying to shed their black identities do so through ways other than politics. Politics and political positioning arent just about ideologies. It’s also used as a way of social signaling.

        • cakes_and_pies

          This reminds me of ole girl from “Atlanta” on the Juneteenth episode who married a racist White man for status and upward mobility.

        • catgee12

          Sage Steele???

      • BlackSpartacus

        Katrina Pearson, Omorosa…But yeah, in general, bc some wypipo are more sexist than racist and thus some brothers will join in on the sexism.

      • Crystal Wright and Star Parker are just as hateful and spiteful as any black male conservative.

        • cakes_and_pies

          I forgot all about them . Throw them in the pot with Sage Steele

  • ThatJerseyGirl

    Ok, so…I know book burning is bad for all sorts of reasons, but if there was a party that involved a bonfire and all the copies of “Gifted Hands,” I’d be there.

    • miss t-lee

      It’s okay, I think we could Fahrenheit 451 his titles.

  • Joshua G. Thomas

    Thank you Jordan Peele for explaining what happened to Ben Carson #TheSunkenPlace

    • Glo

      OMGGGGGGGG.

      You win.

      You also just blew my mind.

  • Seriously, when was his last catscan?

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