On Finding The Grey

***Hello, VSB Nation. Today, I’d like for you all to welcome a very talented friend of ours who, well, let’s just say that she has a lot to say. Enjoy, relate, and respond. —The Champ***

For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived by the “just jump” mentality. Armed with a unending supply of optimism and the knowledge that the universe usually conspires for things to somehow work out in my favor (see: The Alchemist), I’ve often found myself on barely trodden roads; paths that felt like the best direction for me, and not always the direction that gender or cultural standards suggested I go. In adolescence, adults would regard this natural tendency to go against the grain as a subconscious but harmless rebellion; I was just the “different” child. Years later, people chose terms like “free spirit” to define what I hadn’t even known was an unorthodox way of approaching life.

Not least of all, relationships

Also not intentionally, I’ve been what some would call a serial monogamist. The perpetual girlfriend. The problem that arises when you are someone that lives by your own rules and doesn’t really give weighted thought to what social norms say you’re supposed to do, think, and act like though, is that this very thing that attracts men–that delirious enrapturing in the magic of you–is one of the first things they attempt to change.

It occurred to me after the third failed (years-long) girlfriend stint, that the “just jump” personality attracts a lot of parachutes– men wanting to save you from yourself; cushion what they think will be your inevitable fall. People with good intentions who feel they know what’s best for your life and for you as a woman, when all you really want is someone who believes you can both fly, together.

All of a sudden the people you call friends are too loose, or too weird, or too plain male. Your carefree, ‘don’t worry, be happy’ Kanye-shrug tendencies and ideologies are met with disapproving looks and exasperated talks about the need for before-hand discussions regarding any decision you make. Your dreams are too lofty. You’re too free. You’re unconventional, unemotional, nontraditional, untamed. What is wrong with you?

They attempt to harness. Stifle. Box. Mold. Change. Suffocate. Train. Or engulf to the point where you are no longer recognizable to yourself, even in the most optimizing lens.

I began to look at relationships in stark shades of black and white: I could be me, fully, or I could be in a relationship. I could be single, or I could conform to the Stepford society and “land” a husband. I could be free mentally, or shackled emotionally. What I definitely knew was that I could not be an independent thinking, dream-seeking, altruistic free-spirit and also be in a normal, functional, healthy relationship.

Mutually, exclusive. There was no coexisting. I tried, I failed. Washed, rinsed, and repeated.

So, I made use of little black dresses, I flirted, I dated, I enjoyed the banter of tall, dark (and not so dark) and handsome conversations. Firmly I held though, mind made that I would not trip and fall over a nice smile or smooth tongue and into another box of pregnant-and-barefoot-slaving-over-the-stove expectations.

Then, it happened. One day I looked up and found myself, despite the enormous hurdles of doubt and opposition he’d faced, once again holding the girlfriend flag. He had slipped in quietly, beneath the radar.

I rushed to the mirror upon this realization, afraid that my reflection would be reduced somehow; distorted. Amazingly, what i saw was well, myself. A smiling, happy self I’d only previously seen glimpses of when wearing the G on my chest. I ran down the list, checked the usuals, the vitals, all seemed normal. Stretched my arms out side to side, no cardboard barriers pressing against my palms. Looked behind me, no reins tightly strapped to my shoulders. No strong arms pulling my legs back down to earth.

When i looked up, the sky was covered in grey. Not the depressing gray that warns of thunderstorms or woeful days, but a glorious, muted silver, like the strands that bless a wise temple. A wonderfully merged grey made up of the previously stubborn blacks and whites of my life that had refused to peacefully coexist. A grey that welcomed both me, and the hand holding mine.

That grey space, without trying, has made me a believer. I now know that it is possible to cook for and not serve; to learn, and teach; to respect without bowing; to elevate someone without having to descend yourself; to be interdependent without the sacrifice of personal freedom.

… To jump, look to your side, and see that you are flying, together.

S. Nicole Brown (aka “Muze”) is a writer of fiction, lover of words, and chronic reader happily living the clichéd under-spaced and overpriced life of a NYC writer. You can find her in 140 or less @muzeness or on her blog, Because I’m Write.

  • YoungRx

    1

    • GypsyCurl

      Don’t like it. Just got dumped so I’m bitter right now. I will print and save for a better day.

      • AfroPetite

        :-(

        *hugs*

        • GypsyCurl

          Thanks darling. I needed that.

      • Aaron

        Ironically, I’m also saving this, but for someone else. Hopefully one day she’ll be ready.

      • Tanny

        I just got dumped also, by text msg after one year together:-/ Sometimes relationships are crap.

        • Keisha

          By text message? I’m sorry to hear that…

        • Rewind

          Time to throw a brick through a car window.

          No don’t do that. Clearly they are not the person they claimed to be. Take your time, get the stress out your system, and then move ahead. Good luck.

        • GypsyCurl

          We dated for two years and had just moved in together less than two months ago.

          • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

            all curses are blessings ~*~

        • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

          WHAT???
          people actually do this?!?!?!
          sigh.

          • Breezy

            Girl KB, I was thinking the same thing. That ninja is lame and like Rewind say…you might need to go to Lowe’s to get a cinder block for him. Geesh… a text message!!!

            • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

              funny thing is this is what starts/creates a vicious cycle

              dude and chick date/get into a relationship
              dude breaks up with chick in most cowardly of ways

              choose your own adventure time

              chick can either go HAM on his car/person, and then be accused of being crazy with dude not taking ANY responsibility for what MADE her react in a crazy way
              or
              chick will swallow the breakup as s#it men do, struggle with the luggage of bitterness and resentment, only to be told to shake it off like she just fell and tripped in the street

              sigh. we need to do better to each other people.

              • http://taterwithak.blogspot.com K. Marie

                +1. We are allowed to grieve just about everything in this life BUT relationships. If you’re still sad about it two weeks later, you’re labeled “bitter.”

                I just think our interpersonal relationships would be so much better if we took the time to heal before inflicting pain on others. I’m in that healing phase right now.

                • BeautifullyHuman

                  Yes!

              • Rewind

                Or option #3: Don’t take it personally. I’m aware that’s a far stretch for many but instead of worrying about time wasted and emotions torn, just take it as a lesson learned from a mistake that you made. In my opinion, it’s the most positive option that leaves the best benefits in the end.

                • datkenyanchic

                  Halleluyer!

                • GypsyCurl

                  THIS. I like that outlook. Imma give it a try.

                  • Rewind

                    Trust me, it’s worth it in the long run.

                • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

                  when you are in a relationship, live with that person and get dumped by text…
                  that’s not something you can’t take personal.
                  sorry.

                  • Rewind

                    Again, I’m not going to pretend that stuff won’t hurt. But when people do stupid things, sometimes it is really not about you, it is them who has the problem. Yea, I understand sharing so much of yourself with someone only to be rejected in a such a disrespectable fashion leaves a huge scar, but in the end, being mad just lets only focuses on how you feel about them and what they did to you, and not see the real root of the problem. You don’t move on if you keep holding on to the anger, and then you end up taking that frustration out on someone new…now how is that going to be fair?

                    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

                      and sometimes the person is just an a$$hole and the consequences to their actions should be acknowledged as such.

                      i agree that with TIME, the person has healed before moving onto the next situation. but until that point comes, the person left behind still gets to deal with the labels as opposed to the person that caused the domino effect in the 1st place.

                    • Rewind

                      @keisha, I see your point. I’ve had my share of a-holes and it did a number on me, but I just realized in the end all that anger won’t do anything but hold me back. The scars never go away but I had to do something with the anger.

        • http://shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

          sorry to hear about these breakups. :(

          i know this may sound like BS… but my last… simply up and disappeared. no word, no text, nothing. …and then Awesome found me literally 3 months later. take their exits as a blessing, ladies.

        • http://shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

          sorry to hear about these breakups. :(

          i know this may sound like BS… but my last… simply up and disappeared. no word, no text, nothing. …and then Awesome found me literally 3 months later. take their exits as a blessing, ladies.

        • http://shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

          sorry to hear about these breakups. :(

          i know this may sound like BS… but my last… simply up and disappeared. no word, no text, nothing. …and then Awesome found me literally 3 months later. take their exits as a blessing, ladies.

        • http://shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

          sorry to hear about these breakups. :(

          i know this may sound like BS… but my last… simply up and disappeared. no word, no text, nothing. …and then Awesome found me literally 3 months later. take their exits as a blessing, ladies.

          • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

            OK!!!
            you aint gotta tell me so many times!! LOL. ;)

            • Ms. Bridget

              Lol! I was thinking this same thing, verbatim.

            • http://shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

              LMAO now that, i did not do.

            • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

              LOL I have a feeling that was the universe telling us that the message needed to be drilled in our heads many times. :)

          • ?

            LMBO!!!! I had the same thing happen over a year ago. I was hurt when it happened, now I tell that story all the time. It’s hilarious now.

            P.S. LOVED the article.

        • Maris

          Grrrrlll……
          I got broke up with via text message…
          After TWO YEARS…
          AND staying with him thru CANCER..
          He decided to use his ‘new lease on life’ to be ‘free’. And single.
          Trust me, you WILL laugh about it later.
          ***E-Hugs***

          • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

            O_O

            i…sigh. wow.
            well.. you have at least gotten to the point where you can laugh about it.
            and that’s ALL that matters.

            but seriously though.. can men really wonder WHY some women feel the way they do about the opposite gender??????

            • Maris

              Actually, that’s not what I wonder.
              What I wonder is how men can continue to list “loyalty” as the NUMBER ONE desired trait in “wife material” if THAT is what they do with it.
              **takes off Bitter Betty hat, resumes business as usual**

        • nillalatte

          Ladies, y’all need to stop fronting like women don’t do this either. In one of the more odd communications my daughter had with a woman my ex-husband was dating, she said she sent him a text message and broke it off with him. Can I just say when I heard this I DIED laughing? And, you know, I HAD to put salt on that wound the next time right after that that we communicated. I think I said something to the effect of… “If you don’t start acting right I’m gonna have to send you a text message.” lmao!!!

          And, confession, the first time I walked away from my friend now was by text message. No matter how one receives the news it’s never pleasant. He’s text me entire freaking conversations (which I hate) arguing with me. You know the funny thing about texting a conversation? There is still frequent miscommunication! lol

      • Ms. Bridget

        Sorry to hear that hun. One day, when you find the grey, you will look back to today, to this feeling, and laugh in it’s face. *hugs*

        • GypsyCurl

          I hope so.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        *super hugs to you GypsyCurl*

      • b sweet

        Gives GypsyCurl and Tanny a big hug and makes a fcuk em girl cocktail.

        Allow every single emotion its time. Those who love you will rush you to healing, but don’t rush to get there without going through the other stuff too.

        • Justmetheguy

          Now that’s some good advice (in reference to B Sweet’s post)

          • nillalatte

            Hold up… wait a minute… you up here telling bsweet that she’s giving good advice when she says, “Allow every single emotion its time.” But, you couldn’t understand yesterday why I took myself out of the game for an extended period of time AND called my ‘excuses’ unjustified?! *looks side ways at JMTG* What in the sam hill do you think I was doing? :~

            • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

              hmmmm…..

              • Breezy

                *Deacon on the 1st row* hmmmmmm

            • Justmetheguy

              Nilla u know I enjoy hecklin u :) Just kiddin, but her advice did not involve 9 year celibacy. There’s a big difference…lol

              • nillalatte

                Baby, some emotions take time to resolve and you can’t put a cap on any of them. I think it also depends on what a person has been through and how long it lasted before those can be resolved. Of course, nobody’s knows the depth of the trauma that another endured, I get that.

                PTSD is a mofo which I denied having for a long time until I became more educated about the symptoms. I’d have these long arse conversations with my friend and flash backs would haunt me. I’d often tell him, “I hate talking to you sometimes because you make me remember.” It was both difficult and therapeutic at the same damn time.

                Now, y’all men complain about crazy women you meet with issues, yet suggest that me taking the time to heal was too long because that time didn’t include internal massages. *facepalm* Alstuggfallah! You can’t have it both ways dear. Even he became frustrated with me at one point askying, “How long does it take to heal?” I replied, “I don’t know.”

                Anyways, yes, I know you like to mess with me. Just pointing out that some people may need more time than others if they are serious about healing their emotions and being in a healthy mental state for the next relationship that comes their way. Perhaps if more people (men and women) concentrated on their emotional and mental health in this fashion we’d have a lot less phucked rebound relationships in the world. IJS.

                • Sagey Bear

                  That’s one of them Soulja Boy moments…Tell’em!!!

                  • nillalatte

                    I see you peeping me Sagey. ;) When you gettin back in the game? I’ll give you chocolate covered strawberries. :D

        • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

          ^^^^ EXACTLY.

        • Tanny

          Thanks so much for all the kind words:-) I’m sure in time I will look back at this as a blessing. Good luck to you GypsyCurl:-)

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    Muze!!!! I remember reading this piece and that last line STILL gets me. \(^_^)/

    • http://embodiart.com Hawaii

      I remember this one as well and I am reminded of how it provided me with much needed insight… and continues to do the same today. Very dope work with this one. iLive for Muze’s ill writing skills. ;)

  • Beautifullyhuman

    I dig this piece; it was well written. The author’s pen game is dope. I’m going to have to check out her blog.

    Champ, thanks for allowing her to share her talent with us, and for putting me on to a new blog.

    • jojee

      +1!

      loved this. glad I found another blog for my feedly reader. :)

    • http://shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

      thank you ladies! :)

      • BeautifullyHuman

        I bookmarked your site, so you’ll have a new lurker who checks out your day to day musings…lol.

  • cumibelle

    Wow… Great way to put it “the grey” love every word of this.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

    I began to look at relationships in stark shades of black and white: I could be me, fully, or I could be in a relationship. I could be single, or I could conform to the Stepford society and “land” a husband. I could be free mentally, or shackled emotionally. What I definitely knew was that I could not be an independent thinking, dream-seeking, altruistic free-spirit and also be in a normal, functional, healthy relationship.

    So much truth for me and where I am right now. Will I ever find my gray now that I know this could be what I should be looking for? Me no know.

    • nillalatte

      You won’t find it TAC… it really does sneak up on you.

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        So just let it find me and don’t put it in a choke hold or run screaming when it catches me off guard? I can try that. :)

        • Rewind

          Hardest thing in the world but the good stuff always comes when you stop chasing it.

        • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

          LMFAO.
          i missed you TAC

      • GypsyCurl

        I thought it snuck up on me like a love jones but it came down like a M*f’er.

    • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      Nilla’s right, TAC, it sneaks up on you.

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        Tes!! :hugs:

        I usually keep my guard up against these kinds of sneak attacks. It’s something I’m working on though.

        • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

          ::hugs::
          You gotta let ‘em down! By keeping everyone out, you’re also unknowingly locking yourself in. And the sneak attacks are the best ones, trust me :)

          • mena

            Words of wisdom from someone so young. :-).

    • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

      TAC turn around and look down. It has always been there. You just have to accept it.

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        Acceptance. I’m working on that too. :)

  • Marshal

    I like this alot; never heard this from a Female before- the Hard Stance to stay True to Oneslf despite Society’s strong hold of Traditional Values and the Conventional Standard to What and/or How a Relationship should go. This reinforces the Sage Advice of Being Yourself b/c Somebody WILL Want you for You and Not Want/Try to Change you. I don’t know how old you are ( and I know it’s “Not Polite” to ask a Woman her Age), but It’s refreshing to know that ther’s People like you that Feel and Believe in relationships the way you do. My Generation seems to be so caught up in the Following Mentality of Cosmo, Essence, Vibe, Madam Noire, etc., that they Forget to Define Relationships and Love for Themselves

    • Rewind

      Agreed

    • Angel Baby

      TRUTH!

    • bhillboy

      VSS”s don’t like when you call them a “Female.”

      • Marshal

        I will remember this for now on. Good Looking Out

  • http://www.dashwilliams.me Dash

    Great post Muse. I too am a serial-monogamist who has dealt with mates who saw me as a man to be molded and controlled, instead of a person to be accepted and enjoyed. Tis a real struggle.

    • GypsyCurl

      “I too am a serial-monogamist”

      My life experience is opposite. I’ve always been the smart single friend. Friends always compared me to characters such as Joan (Tracee Ellis Ross) from Girlfriends, Eve (Gabrielle Union) in Deliver Us From Eva. I’m the strong, educated woman who has high standards for men, taking them to task and being perpetually single in the process.

      • LeonieUK

        I’m the Joan of the crew and hate it. I want to be the free spirited one, but I form my own box of restraints. I always admire those who just go for it and say ” Be dammed I’m doing me in love”, but I’m stuck in ‘good girl’ mood and SINgle for toooooooooo long.

        • http://shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

          it is entirely possible to be a good girl and still be free-spirited. i am classic good girl i i’ve ever seen one. lol.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Can I say as a dude that I give a side-eye to those who make a point of being “happy and single”? If someone is single and happy, they tend to just be happy, and you just find out the single part by chance. Women who put that out there either want the perfect dude or are trying to hard to please their friends that they’re still on the same wavelength when it comes to the importance of men. Either way, it’s not cute.

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

          “Women who put that out there either want the perfect dude or are trying to hard to please their friends that they’re still on the same wavelength when it comes to the importance of men. Either way, it’s not cute.”

          *shots fired*!!!! (at somebody…but who???)

          • bhillboy

            That’s what I don’t get. What does trying to be single have to do with happiness? Why does either having a man or not having a man affect a woman’s happiness. It’s like men are the “cure all” or the “problem”. It’s not your mates responsibility to make you happy. That’s your responsibility.

            • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

              There’s this idea that being single is miserable. And the only way to be truly happy is to be with someone. Where’d this idea come from? I don’t know but it needs to stop. That’s why some single folks stress the happy in being single because of this idea. When people stop the “you’ll be happy once you have a good man/woman in your life” BS, maybe others will lay off the single & happy comments.

              • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

                I see where you’re coming from because I’ve seen the dynamic live and in HD. That said, why would I (or anyone else) want someone whose whole persona is defensive? Why would I want to be vulnerable to someone who has their personality locked up like Fort Knox? It doesn’t make much sense to me as a dude.

            • http://blackmedici.wordpress.com Black Medici

              It stems from a fear of rejection.

              As a man, if you have the attitude that you neither want or need a woman, you don’t get anywhere with them. Your fear of rejection will always come to bite you in the ass sooner or later, until you accept that the problem is you. You have to need or want them, to get them, and that’s the same with most things of any value in life. However, just because you want and need women doesn’t mean that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot set limits, that you cannot say no etc. And the more you learn to control that need and want, the better you get with women.

              In Modern America, many women don’t know how to admit to the fact that they want or need a man anymore, and they rely on “his” need and want of them in order to have men in their lives, it’s the source of their so called power nowadays. In fact, you’re more likely to get ostracized by women for admitting that you need a man, than saying that you don’t need a man today. The lack of humility and introspection that prevents them from listening to their nature, prevents them from gaining control of their fears that a man might reject their love and dedication. It leaves them in limbo, to a point where they’re never fully comfortable in any relationship that they’re in and they always manage to let love slide right through their fingertips.

              • Ms. Bridget
              • Namia

                Rejection sucks, but i love being with a man….i will admit freely when am feeling a dude and when they do not feel the same way…it stings but its all good..atleast some body know i care about them..love should be shared

                • Rewind

                  I understand that but in relation, how often will a woman feel rejection on an average compared to a man? Men chase womn, so rejection happens on a daily basis for men. Rejection is an investment for women, things have to be built up first, and then the rejection comes. I get why that hurts m ore, but I guess that’s why it bneeds to be stressed that people need to work on that part of themeslves that feels vulnerable and scared. You can’t ever deal with a problem when it varies so often.

                  • nillalatte

                    “how often will a woman feel rejection on an average compared to a man? Men chase womn, so rejection happens on a daily basis for men. Rejection is an investment for women, things have to be built up first, and then the rejection comes.”

                    See, I don’t think how often actually counts because I, and most women I presume, look for quality in a relationship rather than quantity. So, while men are keeping stats on numbers, women are usually growing that connection over time. The sting of rejection (i.e. ending a relationship (no matter who walks away first)), I think, is a much deeper emotion than just hollering a chick and dumping her after a fling.

                    • Rewind

                      Honestly you’d think that but I’ve seen some egos brutalized by people they never had interest in, so to me rejection is all the same…but as I said, I get for women, it’s a lot more investing in emotionas and then being torn apart that makes rejection that much more harmful.

                  • http://blackmedici.wordpress.com Black Medici

                    Actually, it’s the one thing that actually gives us an advantage over women, it’s just sad that most men don’t put it to good use. If you go thru the hell of rejection, and you finally figure it out, you become immune to it. This helps you think more clearly when you’re in a relationship, women don’t get that taste until you dump them.

                    That’s why I usually blame men for problems in relationship, because the things we go through before a relationship starts makes us more qualified to guide a woman through all the doubts that she hasn’t addressed because she doesn’t have the experience. Unfortunately, for men, we don’t mentally prepare ourselves to be in relationships, especially nowadays since we don’t really like our options in women today. So when we end up in them, we’re in the same boat as the woman and more times than not the relationships end in a complete mess.

                    • Rewind

                      Never really looked at it that way before.

              • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

                “In fact, you’re more likely to get ostracized by women for admitting that you need a man, than saying that you don’t need a man today.”

                Never seen it or experienced this when I was single, ever! I experienced pity & ostraciziation(if that’s a word) of other women BECAUSE I was single. Now that I’m involved with a man, SUDDENLY, I exist to this women. It’s insane. I’m glad I erased those types of folks from my life.

                • http://blackmedici.wordpress.com Black Medici

                  Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’ve admitted that you want or need a man.

                  • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

                    I never said I needed/wanted a man or not. I said I never experienced or saw what you were talking about when I was single. I said when I was single then I was pitied by of women for not having a man in my life. But as soon as I began a relationship, I was seen as a well rounded person by some women.

            • Ms. Bridget

              Women are judged by their ability to “keep a man”. I think the lady who uses the “happily single” title is saying that she is happy *despite* the fact that she’s single because people act like you don’t have any reason to be happy otherwise. It’s not so much to say i’m happy *that* i’m single (unless she just got out of a bad relationship). It would do everyone good to separate happiness from the relationship status.

              • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

                EGG-XACT-LEE

              • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

                Thank you Ms. Bridget. Exactly!!

              • Rewind

                I guess it’s just part of the coined terms society creates. But it’s still up to a person to define themselves and quit worrying about what other people will say.

                • Ms. Bridget

                  this is true.

              • http://blackmedici.wordpress.com Black Medici

                And unless she’s the kind of woman who chases and pursues men, for whatever needs, she’s trying to escape reality as well.

                Women are “justly” judged by their ability to keep men, because it’s a challenge for them. Men are judged by their ability to get women, because it’s a challenge for us. It isn’t a challenge for a man to be in a relationship, because most women actually want that. It’s not a challenge for a woman to have sex with a man, because most men want to have sex with any woman that’s willing.

                I don’t think most women are into charitable sex. I don’t think any woman is interested in having sex with a man who can’t get any other woman to sleep with him. I don’t think any man wants to be in a relationship with a woman who can’t persuade a man to want to commit to her, men don’t want to do charitable relationships.

                I think it’s perfectly fair; the judgement part and I think the women who choose to be happily single are just delaying the inevitable. Reality, will tell if that works out for them or not. But hey, if you’re a guy who can simply wait and have women offering sex like dudes making it rain Washingtons in the Strip Club; it’s only fair that a woman can avoid relationships and commitment for a long time, and then when she finally decides to have one, she’s able to make it last forever.

            • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

              It means a woman is happiest when she is focusing on her dreams, wants, needs. Men take up a lot of space, crowd out the woman’s thoughts, demand attention. Many of them feel diminished by a woman’s greatness and want her to have a seat so he can be on top. Many of them want to be coddled and pampered like a child. Most men are a lot of upkeep and its a drain.

              Happily single means you get to be you and put all your nurturing and excitement towards yourself. There’s nothing to prove, its just about being madly in love with yourself.

              • Kema

                So true!

              • nillalatte

                Preach it WC!!! Exactly. Nothing wrong with putting yourself first AND making space for a man if he can let you be great too. :)

            • Angel Baby

              It comes from a heart-felt place and people miscontrued the simplicty in the fact: that people aren’t meant to be alone! We are supposed to be eachother’s help meet.

              People just get a little impatient when they themself get restless or others are expecting you to just “settle” for anyone that comes along. Just becuase they are a good person doesn’t mean they are good for you! You’ve gotta be able to be okay with yourself so when the right one for you comes along all the other BS won’t matter.

              • Angel Baby

                :) Oh and my post is in reply to my nodding my head in TRUTH to Todd and bhillboy’s comments:

                “Todd:
                I see where you’re coming from because I’ve seen the dynamic live and in HD. That said, why would I (or anyone else) want someone whose whole persona is defensive? Why would I want to be vulnerable to someone who has their personality locked up like Fort Knox? It doesn’t make much sense to me as a dude.

                bhillboy:
                That’s what I don’t get. What does trying to be single have to do with happiness? Why does either having a man or not having a man affect a woman’s happiness. It’s like men are the “cure all” or the “problem”. It’s not your mates responsibility to make you happy. That’s your responsibility.”

    • Rewind

      Indeed it is. People refuse to leave well enough alone.

      Alas, I have come to realize that is because these people are not on our level. They are built to heed society’s standards and are too scared to stray away. How can we possibly find happiness when you choose to go against the wind and the other person is blowing air along side the wind?

      • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

        Very true!! Happiness isn’t a one size fits all type of thing. Different folks need differeelnt things to be happy…and sane.

        • Rewind

          Indeed, and it’s our job, because we don’t fit the mold, to look harder for people who understand who we are and what we are, rather than just shacking up with people because we’re sexually attracted to them.

          • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

            Rewind, put that on a billboard so folks are see it everyday!!! Think free, be free, Sir!!!

            • Rewind

              Too bad that billboard won’t be free.

              I’d post that all over NYC if I could.

      • Angel Baby

        See Rewind! We’re <<<<>>>>> here ;) LOL

        • Rewind

          Haha indeed, my 4 eyes to your 2 eyes, but we got it.

        • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

          would you technically be >>><<< though?

          • BeautifullyHuman

            LMAO!

          • Rewind

            lmao damnit Keisha

  • Anastasia!!!

    Thank you for this! Ugh, I’ve been struggling with the” be myself, fancy and free,” or” tie it down, be regular” parts of self. This was so beautifully written! And I love that you found someone who offers balance :-)

    Triple YAAY.

  • naturalista88

    Really awesome post.

  • nillalatte

    “Then, it happened. One day I looked up and found myself, despite the enormous hurdles of doubt and opposition he’d faced, once again holding the girlfriend flag. He had slipped in quietly, beneath the radar.”

    Great post and I can fully relate not to just this part, but also other parts, I just didn’t want to copy the entire post again! :) It’s hard to be in a relationship with some people because they can’t for some reason give you unconditional love.

    I told my friend the other day that I am very blessed to have him in my life (yes, he’s back) and that I realized he was the best friend/man I knew I never had. Now before someone accuses me of mimicking Beyonce, I was being totally sincere. See, it isn’t every man that will love you enough to let you go, but it is a wonderful gift.

    • AfroPetite

      Off topic….but GUHL the back of yo head is RIDICULOUS!!!

      Your hair is serving and I love it

      • Keisha

        I agree! It’s really cute… :-)

      • Breezy

        Nilla gat her Cinderella going on.

      • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

        LOL. what she said.

      • nillalatte

        Awww…. thanks AfroPetite, but it ain’t my head. It’s a hair style I saw and LOVED, so I kept a pic of it. You know how I like not showing my face. But, my hair is about the same color and length, when I straighten it. I’d love to have a ball/cotillion/quinceanera to go to just to have my hair done like this!

    • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

      ~ (yes, he’s back)

      (smile) third time’s tha charm ~*~

      • nillalatte

        I see you esa. :) Unfortunately, ours will end up being a long distance relationship before long. Sigh.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          i have come to discover that love is (somehow) completely unrelated to (seeming) realities like time and space. relationships, yes, these are grounded in “realities” but love, not at all.

          regardless of who this man is to be to you outside of yourself, he will always be someone inside your heart. that, to me, is what matters most. that, to me, is what makes love greater than any energy in the universe.

          which, is not to diminish the reality of you being apart but, as you said yesterday of your period of being celibate (and i do paraphrase), what does time and space matter when compared to the truth in your heart ..

          let go with grace and it comes back ten thousand fold ~*~

          • nillalatte

            Girl, your comment is making me all teary eyed.
            “he will always be someone inside your heart.” Truth. He’s my best friend right now and I hope he remains so in the future.