between the economy, the cleveland cavaliers, and the blueprint 3¹, 2009 has largely been an anti-climatic year full of disappointments and epic fails.
despite this, there remains a number of things we can always rely on to come through in the clutch, a bevy of perpetually dependable people, places, and things that never, ever disappoint, and that always perform exactly how we expect them to.
ron artest breaking news
between its hair, its haymakers, and its halftime hennessy, “ron artest breaking news” is the literal embodiment of the gift that keeps on giving. i’ve never been disappointed or unentertained after clicking on a headline with its name in it, and “ron artest breaking news” seems intent on keeping it that way forever
the support of sistas
seriously, if you’re a black man with even an inkling of, sh*t, anything, the list of things you can do to make sistas stop supporting you is shorter than kiefer sutherland.
soup with crackers
go ahead and laugh, but name another food more reliable than a bowl of soup with crackers. in my travels i’ve tasted f*cked up versions of pretty much every previously assumed unf*ckupable foods imaginable. i even once had someone bake me some sugar cookies that somehow ended up tasting like smoked salmon. soup with crackers, on the other hand, always comes through, always makes you smile, and, strangely, always makes you think about professional wrestling²
regardless of where, when, why, how, who, and what, you can always count on hoes to find unique ways to partake in some form of productive hotivity. you may call them many things (“hobby-horse” is my favorite), but “a disappointment” is never one of them³
*just a few of the things i received during last thursday’s weekly visit to east liberty kutz*
a fresh shape-up. a conversation with a crackhead about paul pierce. a slice from ventos pizzeria. two business cards, including one from a female barber i strongly suspect to be a lesbian pimp. stock tips. a convincing theory about the real reason bill cowher left the steelers in 2006 (apparently he got a sista knocked up. she got an abortion, but his wife still told him “we’re leaving pittsburgh or i’m leaving you”). a flyer for a party at a bar that burned down two days later. change for a 20.
the three-five minute early morning quickie
f*ck folgers, this has been and will always be the best part of waking up
anyway, we always have a ton to say about what’s making us itch or grinding our gears, but i’m curious: what else can we name that never, ever disappoints?
¹to be honest, once you realize that the blueprint 3 is just jay-z doing his best impression of a kanye album, its actually not that bad ²maybe this is just me ³unless, of course, she’s your daughter