Ok, I’ll Admit It: I Kinda Sorta Want A Romper Now » VSB

Featured, Parenting, Theory & Essay

Ok, I’ll Admit It: I Kinda Sorta Want A Romper Now

After 18 months of fatherhood, I can pretty much say that it’s been what I expected it to be so far. The Feminist Octobus has been fun, funny, needy, autonomous, precocious, stinky, brilliant, and prone to frequent bouts of baby-ass shit, and the experience of watching her grow has been equal parts thrilling and fulfilling and draining and terrifying. Also, there’s no better ego boost than the one that occurs when doing literally anything with her — walking her, talking to her, feeding her wasabi, losing her at the zoo, etc — and receiving an always generous amount of Black Man Being A Parent And Shit points from people who happen to witness it. I’m half convinced we (Black men) have multiple kids just for the low expectation praise bukkake (ht Huny) that comes with it.

This isn’t to say that I’ve predicted everything and been surprised by nothing, but I anticipated fatherhood being surprising and relatively unpredictable, so the surprises that have occurred have fit within my scale of expectation.

That said, I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit to one thing that actually does exist outside of that scale. Envy. As I watch the Octopus experiencing the world for the first time — free of many of the anxieties and fears and cynicisms and fatigues that permeate my outlook — I envy her unbridled excitement and enthusiasm. Like, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be as happy as she was yesterday, when she was blowing bubbles and one burst on her cheek and she laughed about it for the next eight minutes. That ship has sailed, unfortunately.

Also, I envy her clothes. And by envy I don’t mean that I wish I could wear diapers, size one Uggs, and OshKosh B’Gosh jean dresses. I just envy how damn comfortable and practical her clothes are. Pajamas, for instance, are comfortable as fuck. No adult has ever had some pajamas on and thought “I hate these goddamn uncomfortable pajamas! Fuck pajamas, B. Word is bond.” This is probably why no one commits crimes while wearing pajamas. But aside from couples on network TV shows and Kappas at 90’s parties, adults don’t really fuck with pajamas all like that. Even now, when I put pajamas on the Octopus and marvel at how cool and snug and comfortable she looks, I never think to go and get some adult pajamas from the adult pajama store for myself.

She also owns maybe a dozen rompers. All colorful and comfortable looking as fuck. They’re also versatile. She runs in them. Watches Elmo’s World in them. Drinks milk in them. Does baby yoga in them. Plays peekaboo in them. And after having a 18-month-long first-person study on the utility and adaptability and chic of the romper, I have to say that when the romphim became a thing this week, I wasn’t opposed to the idea. In fact, I think I’d rock the fuck out of a romper.

Of course, I’d need to get my body romper ready. Which I’m assuming is a variant of the beach body. (Which I also don’t currently possess. But I can’t swim, so fuck sand. And water.) And I’d have to get in the proper romper state of mind. If I’m gonna be romping around the city in my romper, I’ll need some romp-appropriate emotions and facial expressions instead of the two (bemused and hungry) I currently possess. Perhaps I’ll even use my first ever emoji. Also, I’ll need a romper crew; a gang of romp-ready niggas down for flash mobbing performance art installations and frequenting feminist strip clubs. And of course I’ll need romper accessories. Maybe one of those rose lapel things that millennials rock on t-shirts. And more tattoos. And some Vans. And a dogeared copy of We Are Never Meeting in Real Life in my romper pocket. (Do rompers have pockets???) Or perhaps even a shih tzu named Ralph. (I think I already have romper-ready hair and glasses though, so that’s a start!)

Also, I have questions! I was serious about the pocket thing. Do rompers have pockets? Would I buy my romper off the rack, or should I see a tailor? Are there tailors who specialize in romper wear? When wearing a romper, does every activity done in them count as “romping?” (If so, awesome! I need more romping in my life.) When storing the romper, would I place it on a hanger, or fold it and place it in a dresser? Are there public bathrooms specifically devoted to romper-wearers? Can I hoop in a romper? How about a ribfest? Can I attend a ribfest in a romper? Can there only be one romper-wearer per household? Is there a set of unspoken romper rules out there? Also, would I have to remove the romper to piss, or could I just cut in a pisshole? (And why did I just call a zipper a pisshole?)

I have other questions, but asking too many might stand in the way of my romper destiny. Rick Ross wants his niggas rich by summer seventeen. I just want to romp the fuck out of it.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • MissRosé

    No.

    *goes back to read article*

    • kingpinenut

      fuck no

      them shidddds went outta style in 1973

      • *1873

        • Ruthmharris


          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !sk75c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. Follow this link for more information
          !sk75c:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs365DirectEducationGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!sk75c:….,….

        • Erikashidalgo


          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !sc26c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. Follow this link for more information
          !sc26c:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs316DigitalWikiGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!sc26c:….,……..

    • Damon Young

      i’m actually laughing aloud

    • Brother Mouzone

      I would wear bell bottoms before a romphim.

    • ladyfresh

      I don’t agree but I truly lol’d

  • MissRosé

    On the real, I’m convinced blowing bubbles (at any age) releases endorphins. Someone research that, I need to explain how/why bubbles excite me so.

  • Giantstepp

    Ah, gonna be a NO for me on the Romper. At 6’7, 250 not sure if it’ll be a good look. But thanks.

    • cakes_and_pies

      *Squints at pic* How about you let us be judge. You’d more or less would look like a lumberjack enjoying the heat.

      • MissRosé

        I.JUST.SAID.THAT!!! Like hold up now, I didn’t mean No like NO, I meant No, like it depends…are you 6’7″, 250lbs stacked?

        • cakes_and_pies

          I just saw your comment too. ???. All I see is a carefully moistured beard and thigh and calf muscles. You can’t go wrong.

          • MissRosé

            Listen…all I saw was 6’7, and my 5’3 self got giddy. You promise me 250 AND easy access to thigh meat?..*purrs*

            • Giantstepp

              All this time I thought VSB for for respectable folk.

              • kingpinenut

                The ladies here is nasty….. 2 live crew nasty do not be fooled

                • NonyaB?

                  Hush yo mouf, KP! I won’t stand for you slandering VSS.

                  • kingpinenut

                    Slander my ayus

                    Y’alls nasty as ya wanna be

                    • NonyaB?

                      Simmer down and post your romper shot; I know you got the frame for it. Let the VSS review and help you get right for the summer.

                    • kingpinenut

                      NonyaB ….years of heavy weight lifting, cycling and swimming add up to some … rompers would be tough to get past my calves…

                      #DreamsDeffered

                    • NonyaB?

                      Lookatchu humblebragging on that physique. Romps come in all sizes, tho. So, post a shot anyway so we can clarify which style you should get.

                • Zil Nabu
                  • kingpinenut

                    I just got back. Where my bacon at?

                    • Zil Nabu

                      I’m killing the turkey now.

                    • kingpinenut

                      baconator….got keep my strength

              • Dee Squared
              • MissRosé

                Well you have yourself to blame, Sir.

              • she
              • miss t-lee

                Oh, we respectable alright.

              • Shay

                You knew what was up when u threw them stats out there and then provided receipts. Now go try on a romper and let us see.

              • Zil Nabu

                I’ve got a gold one with a v-neck you can borrow.

              • NikOJ

                ^^ This is the hardest I’ve laughed ALL DAY. And trust me, it’s been a long day.

              • Spicy Kas

                Where did you get that idea?

              • Zil Nabu

                I would respect the shyt out of you every day and thrice on Sundays.

        • Giantstepp

          I’m feeling objectified here ladies. Please stop.

          • MissRosé

            Do you mean stop like STOP, or stop like stooopppp?

            • cakes_and_pies

              I’m like “Can’t stop, won’t stop”

            • miss t-lee

              That was my question…lol

          • she
            • TheUnsungStoryteller

              Why? You got a girl? They don’t let you have friends?

              • miss t-lee

                LMFAO

            • Giantstepp

              Hahahaha…

          • Zil Nabu

            So you’re just saying no no no no no when it’s really yeah yeah yeah yeah…
            Got it.

            • NonyaB?

              Get ‘im! You know he’s just playing hard to get, he wants the thrill of the chase.

              • Zil Nabu

                He’s playing hard to get, he just won’t admit that he likes us…. he likes us.

    • MissRosé

      6’7, 250 huh? Post a picture, lemme judge.

    • NonyaB?

      Receipt collector from The People’s Bureau. Please register your details by posting a pic, then the VSS will let you know whether you’re romper ready an what style suits your frame best.

      • MissRosé

        Listen to our RC, @Giantstepp:disqus

      • Giantstepp
        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Dis you??? ?

          • Giantstepp

            Last I checked.

        • NonyaB?

          Alright, alright, alright! You’re working with something, tallie. May I suggest the edgy edition? Maybe without the giant buckle tho.

          https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_98pSLVoAApt-I.jpg

          • Giantstepp

            Thanks, but I remain firm in passing on this particular trend. Can’t do it.

            • NonyaB?

              *Sigh* I don’t understand you VSBs. Y’all say we VSS could be more supportive towards you freeing yourself, feeling trapped by societally imposed notions of masculinty, etc, yet you shoot down our efforts like this.

          • MissRosé

            I think the belt is photo shopped..Them Gucci belt buckles are annoying as hayle.

            • NonyaB?

              I heard so yesterday. Lemme find the original.

        • MissRosé

          So you like holding short women?
          *writes it down*

          • Giantstepp

            Ha!. This pic is for the “are you really 6’7” questioners. It shows my height next to her.

            • Mr. Mooggyy

              You always have to have one of those in the stash!

              • Giantstepp

                Indeed, sir!

        • StillSuga

          How tall is Cam Newton though? I think you can do it…Maybe the D Wade version then…

          • miss t-lee

            Cam is 6’5

            • StillSuga

              See! Giantstepp is good to go. Let them thigh meats breathe

              • miss t-lee

                He might get it poppn’

              • Giantstepp

                My fashion level hasn’t evolved to this point. I can suit it up when needed, but a crisp pair of jeans, some slick flats, and a grown mans shirt is where I remain. And I be found often in basketball shorts, a plain Tee, and crocs! Yeah I said it. Crocs! About Comfort man.

                • Tiebaby

                  So no to the romper, but how do you feel about gray sweatpants????? Asking for…everyone lmao

          • she
        • Zil Nabu
          • siante

            I’m crying!!!!

          • MsSula

            You kilt me dead!! LMAO.

            But he is indeed a tall glass of very fresh water!

          • DiamondIsMyRealName

            Appropriate tho… *kanye shrug*

        • Shay

          Heeeeeeeey!

        • NotToday

          You wouldn’t happen to live in the tri-state area? Asking for a friend. Yeah…a friend

        • Glo

          Jesus.

          Um. Hi.

        • AzucarNegra

          Hi, up there

        • Spicy Kas

          You are about to get some friendly attention. Good luck.

        • heeeeeeeeeyyyyy

    • Ess Tee

      6’7″?
      250?

      Hi.

    • theaythmonth

      Let us be the judge ;)

  • she

    Words of advice to my curvy big booty fellas….all rompers aren’t equal!

  • Kat

    I think they are sexy on the right guy…same as they are on the right woman. They is not for everyone and sho not for every “body”. Do you. Just be loose with it. N*t huggers is not needed.

    • MissRosé

      Just wear shorts. I’m a girl and I hate the discomfort of having to take off ALL my damn clothes just to pee. I can’t imagine it for guys…like, for why?

      • cakes_and_pies

        The men rompers I’ve seen have flies. They don’t even have to get dang near butt naked like us.

      • kingpinenut

        This is kid wear for grown ayus adults…. naw…fuck that shiiiiiiiiDDDDDD

        The ONLY plus I see is buttons.

        Zippers would have ni99a cryin in a split second…

        • Spicy Kas

          Zippers are dangerous, especially if drunk.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        Exactly. What’s the point of wearing one?

      • Zil Nabu

        It is always the right occasion to take off all your damn clothes. Be free!

        • MissRosé

          Not in public…well there was that one time….but still, if not for the right reasons, it can be quite annoying.

          • Tiebaby

            Especially if you are drunk AND wearing heels. Learned that lesson the hard way.

      • Kat

        But why does it matter to you? I mean that in a real way? Why does an another adults comfort level matter?

        On the flip side women have been wearing uncomfortable deep forever. Let them have a 70’s go at it.

  • chrislterry

    I feel like rompers are a wedgie waiting to happen. Unless you have a diaper on. Maybe get some diapers, too.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Emphasis on thin diapers. You don’t want folks knowing your business.

      • chrislterry

        Depends how much wagon you’re draggin’.

    • Zil Nabu

      You try it and report back to us.

    • NonyaB?

      Lets deal in data, not assumptions. You try on a romper and post the receipts for deliberations on fit.

      • she

        What happened to your post with the pics from the 70s? Trying to show my coworker the blue romper

      • Spicy Kas

        Fucking judo in this bish

        • NonyaB?

          I aim to declutter the conversation so we can get down to the nitty gritty. Looking forward to seeing your romp selfie.

  • Mr. Mooggyy

    “low expectation praise buk k ake”

    Time of death: 3:45 PM on 5/18/2017
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f679301d1ff93474e732cc0bdac216e463f87b83d20ebd15baca0c9afb871321.gif

  • Hugh Akston

    How many times are we going to have this conversation?

    No.

  • she

    I’m also mad at the fact that y’all still can use the bathroom comfortably in a romper (assuming it buttons down in the front).

  • Mizwest

    Feminist strip club?! Too many questions that don’t need answers.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      I think that’s like Magic Mike, right?

      • Mizwest

        Sounds legit…

      • Jennifer

        Magic Mike 2 — like Jada’s spot in Savannah!

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Portland/Seattle. – all them chicks quote 4th wave feminism while they burlesque

More Like This