**I think today’s the last day to vote for the Black Weblog 2009 awards. Since I’m Black, I actually forgot to vote my d*mn self. Ain’t that a shame. Spend all that time telling other people to vote and forgetting to do it myself. Anyway, get thee to the voting booth and vote for Very Smart Brothas in the categories up there to the right. If not for us, do it for the children. And Whitney. And yes, this should be the last you hear of this. Thank goodness. **
One of the best things a man can do to impress a woman early on is to surprise her. The only thing women love more than an LOL 
) text is a surprise. Of course, men love surprises too unless the surprise starts with “i’m late” and ends with “…gonna be a daddy.”
Something about that particular surprise just doesn’t take you to your happy place.
Anyway, one of the best surprises you can pull is to take a woman on a first date that she doesn’t expect. Picnics, parasailing, a hot-air balloon, Compton, you know, something out of the ordinary. If you take a woman out and keep her guessing, and she ends up at a place she hasn’t been before or sees something she’s never seen before, then she might turn around and do things she’s “never done” before. It’s a total win-win for everybody.
However, this can also go very, very badly. How bad? Real bad, Micheal Jackson. As in Conrad Murray bad. Especially when dealing with Black women. You see, Black women have special needs and circumstances that must be accounted for when planning a surprise date. Blame it on slavery. Blame it on the rain. Hell, blame it on the al-al-al-al-co-hol. Fact is, there are just certain roads you do not want to go down with Black women, first date or last date. So, given our crime-fighting credo-here at VSB, and our staunch pro-survivial-of-the-species stance, here are 7 surprise first dates that you should NEVER take a Black woman on.
(BTW, I’m well aware that some of these can go for a woman of any hue. Zip-a-dee-do-da. Kthxbi.)
1. Water Park (with a close runner up being an amusement park)
You know how Black women are about their hair and water. Add some wind into the mix and it’s all downhil from there, buddy. For one, unless you tell her where you’re going she’s definitely not going to be dressed for an amusement park. And that showing up with a bikini and thinking she’s going to be glad you bought her one? Yeah, not a good look. Putting your date in a bikini AND putting her hair in danger of going all Macy Gray = no nudity.
2. Yomamahouse
Though your mother’s house is a great place to eat 7 days a week, it’s a horrible place to eat with a woman who doesn’t quite know your last name (that’s a lie, she’s probably googled your a** 12 ways from Sunday). ESPECIALLY without notice. Plus, what if your mama can’t cook? Now she hates you AND she’s going to talk about your mama.
3. Your child’s practice
Let’s see. Kids? Outdoor events? Soccer moms? Man, so you’ve put your first date in the line of fire with bugs, single parentism, and women who knit for sport. Overall, this is a bad idea for anybody. Ever.
4. Wayne Newton concert
I’m saying, I like all kinds of music and I’d be mad as all hell if somebody took me to see Wayne Newton on a date. AND I LIKE WAYNE NEWTON. (That’s a lie actually.) I’d take Neil Diamond over Wayne Newton and I’d prefer to eat rusty sawblades than listening to Neil Diamond. So I can only imagine what a chick who loves Sade would feel like. No nookie.
5. Buffet (or any restaurant that you have a coupon for)
They don’t want no scrubs. You’re Black dude, I know you heard the song and loved TLC.
6. Babies ‘R Us
It’s bad enough that you’re taking her shopping and it’s not for her, but taking her shopping for your baby’s stuff? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. Ain’t no Black woman taking care of no babies that ain’t hers. Until you marry her and then she’ll pretty much take care of all your kids fo’ free.
7. Habitat For Humanity House
As altruistic as Black women are, you kind of can’t let her show up for a date and force her to do physical labor. I mean, she might not want to do it but its for charity, she kind of has to. Plus, you drove so she will just have to the lone a**hole sitting around while everybody else is working. Basically, it’s just wrong to do this. Though, she’ll probably get some well needed community service points. You see what that did for Michael Vick.
So, what are some other first dates that you should never take a Black woman on? Remember, we’re trying to save lives here.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
I think these are all cool except yomamahouse and babies r us. I wouldn’t let anybody meet my mom before it’s real serious and I ain’t go not kids (It’s late and I’m feeling real southern right now).
But everything else seems like something you would do if you all talked before hand and she expressed interest in all the other things.
And I know a place where I can get half price gift cards for 4 star restaurants so you might see me pull out the coupon. I’m not broke, I’m practical. If she don’t like that well she can get on down (Again I’m feeling real southern).
@Trillionaire Wood,
Even with the half-off discount, going to a four-star restaurant for a FIRST date (read: just trying to feel you out a bit in person) seems a lil’ much to me. Unless I really just had a taste for one of their entrees myself and wanted some company, I wouldn’t do this unless it’s just for a drink or two.
We’re here on that one, Monk.
@Monk,
“going to a four-star restaurant for a FIRST date (read: just trying to feel you out a bit in person) seems a lil’ much to me.”
I agree. I don’t like ninjas who try too hard. I think the first 2 dates, at least, should be kind of casual.
@Trillionaire Wood,
I’m not broke, I’m practical. If she don’t like that well she can get on down (Again I’m feeling real southern).
I am a woman, and I approve this message. I need a practical man, not a show off. kthxbi (thanks Panama!
)
@Trillionaire Wood,
I like this reply. I don’t let ANYONE meet my family before a year of serious dating…
This dude just had me show up at, what turned out to be, his Grandma’s house AND his Mom stopped by…they were arguing like siblings…TRES UNCOMFORTABLE!
And I’m a foodie so I get the coupons too and do my restaurant thing so practical is good. Act like I don’t already have several reservations for Philly’s Central City Restaurant Week in September. (3 course meal for $35)
i don’t think any of these bad surprise dates are exclusive to just black woman (with the exception of number one). another place you should never take
mosta black woman on a first date: your crib. i think the jig is up. movie, liquor and your couch just doesn’t cut it.@Tunde,
iConcur with “their house” … no, men. Couches, beds, movies and liquor does not equal a date. I don’t care how your latest dvd bootleg is studio quality. Just no. lol
There have been exactly 4 men ever who didn’t try to use their house as the first date. Then, they wonder why I’m not interested after that.
Seriously, what’s with the picture?
@SaneN85,
So every man that meets you offers to chill on his couch for the first date, and you are confused on what that means?
@Dorian G.,
I’m confused by your question. I know exactly what they are getting at with that generous “offer”. Unfortunately, it’s the norm around here. They get away with it 99% of the time, so they stick with that tactic. They just don’t realize that I’m not the one.
@Dorian G.,
I see you live in DC. Thats not really the norm. Besides stop blaming your environment. Look inward, and it you will see the results outward.
@Dorian G.,
Actually, I live in Washington state and it is the norm here. I’d respond to the comment about looking inside myself, but really since I’m willing to bet you’ve never passed through my area, there’s really no way to convey my frustration. It would be quite difficult to not stop and think you might be the problem when this is all you run into. Not surprisingly, a large number of the women I know are constantly twisting and turning their personalities and settling for bit**a**ness in men because they feel they are the problem and that’s all they can get.
Didn’t mean for that to post twice or in two different spots.
@Dorian G.,
Although, that’s not to say that there aren’t women who are throwing out their own astronomical levels of bit**a**ness around here.
@SaneN85,
I realize it came off as snark. I didn’t mean it like that, but seriously I’m tired of hearing women continuously complain about how the men around them are f**king up and its all their fault. And then blame the city lol. Anyway do what u do
@Dorian G.,
I wasn’t really trying to complain, just commenting on the topic at hand. It just is what it is. I can see why it came across as complaining though. I wasn’t trying to blame the city so much as the both the men and women who compound the situation by letting it ride like it’s normal behavior. Why should the men make the effort of a real date when they get away with the “chill at home” date? Why would women expect a real date, when it appears to be normal behavior to not get asked out on any? They’re adapting to the situation. It always amuses me to come on here and realize that it’s entirely different how people are approached in most other places.
Trust, I’m more than capable of self-reflection (see, I managed not to be too sarcastic responding to your post, I’m already on top of it). It’s just hard to figure out what you’re doing wrong when the “come chill” line comes within the first 5 minutes conversing with a man. LOL.
@Tunde,
BWAHAHAHAHA
The zoo…with your four kids from four different baby mamas. Kmt that ish right there dnt even roll
@Dope Fiend,
The zoo is only cute if she likes animals, and the trip is sans kids.
@chaoticdiva,
it’s also only cute if she doesn’t have allergies. (Dang hay fever lol)
@Selah,
i dunno, zoos always stank! lets just go to sea world! lol
@shatani,
Oh yeaaaa I forgot about that zoo smell! What about Disneyland. I have the year pass. lol
Ya know, if you take a chick on a surprise date and
a)it’s not what she expected
b) her hair was ruined
c) she was forced to do manual labor
d) she had to eat at a cheap restaurant
as long as you keep the conversation going and the jokes coming, she will be ok and will take your call the next day. If she doesn’t, she’s lame/high maintenance and you are better off.
That said, taking anyone to meet your kids and/or momma too early in the relationship makes YOU lame and she should file you away as such.
@V.E.G.,
actually, if he surprises me by taking me to a construction site, and i don’t like it, or i’m not dressed for it, that doesn’t make me lame. It makes him lame for thinking he should surprise a woman with construction work on the first date. No women dresses for a construction site on the first date. So, he’s the azz for taking her to a construction site, and he’s even more of a lame azz for not immediately changing the plans once he see’s she is not dressed for the occasion. If he wants to build houses on the first date, then it should not be a surprise.
@califorN.I.A. love,
I hear ya. And I get where you are coming from. I do.
But the point of dating is getting to know someone/seeing how they react when life tosses them lemons. How people react in less than ideal situations provides a glimpse into who they are at the core.
So, he picks a bad first date option. But if he’s good company and a good person, any chick worth her salt should be able to roast him for his choice, go with the flow and keep it moving.
@V.E.G.,
and there it is…
@V.E.G.,
I can roll with you on this if he just made a bad choice, but unless dude is the field director for the local Habitat office, power tools on the first date sounds like a test. Anyone pulling a stunt like that would get his feelings hurt.
@SDot,
lol. I get you.
But, hypothetically speaking, if a guy is gonna take you to help build a Habitat house, it’s 99% likely it’s going to be a Saturday, early in the day. There is no need to be in full drag at noon on Saturday. AND, even if you have on your cute heels, you can just hand him nails and whatnot. You ain’t got to do the hard labor.
To write off a dude who takes you on a date where he doing trying to some GOOD in this world, even if you were dreaming of eating pastries and sipping espresso, is just…lame. I can’t see it any other way.
@SDot,
Beginning of second graph should read
“To write off a dude who takes you on a date where he is trying to do some GOOD in this world”
@V.E.G.,
How people react in less than ideal situations provides a glimpse into who they are at the core.
Ding, ding, ding!
@V.E.G.,
I have a great deal of respect for this comment.
Cooking class, or even just a night in to cook for each other. A cooking class is cute, but not on a first date. Seems like you’re too eager to test out my cooking chops, and that is way too early for a first date. you need to be focusing on whether or not you will make it to a second date, not if I can cook for you when barefoot and pregnant.
@Liz,
lol
@Liz, Well what if you want to show your cooking chops as a man?? Would that be too much?? I know i can cook and i really like to cook so that would be a nice date idea…
@NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox..,
I actually this would be a nice date too. But Liz’s perspective cracked me up.
Being the freak of nature I am, I would love to go to a water/amusement park. As long as I didn’t freshly flat-iron my hair. Go for it if i’m rocking the water-friendly spirals.
As for other places:
1. Gamer Store. Unless your girl is a gamer, she’s not going to want to sit for 3 hours watching you play some random 12 year old at the local Funcoland in Halo or Rockband. Super lame. Save that for your spare time w/o her.
2. Paintballing. Unless your girl can run in heels. And if she can, you might want to check if she belongs to a man in a purple suit.
3. A Tattoo parlor. Especially if you’re offering to treat her to a tattoo of her choice, as long as it’s of your name.
4. Feeding the Geese. Ducks are ok, but geese are Satan’s spawn, and they tend to attack. I had the misfortune of going on a first date in the park with a guy where we got chased by a pack of evil Ann Arbor geese.
5. Ikea. This one is just all wrong. If you just moved, and you’re taking her for her advice, you look pathetic (since it is your first date…unless she’s an interior decorator). It could also be the insinuation of you wanting her to be “domesticated”. Expect evil stares from the time you pull into the parking lot.
6. A prison. I don’t care if you’re taking her to see your little brother, that ish is not kosher.
7. Target. Especially if you offer to buy her anything from the dollar bins.
@chaoticdiva, ok i spit on my computer screen re: prison. stop it!!! lmao. WHO IS TAKING FIRST DATES TO PRISON??!?!?!?!
@Liz,
I’m sure someone is. somewhere.
@Liz,
Sadly, I’m sure there are people that would do ish like that. I can name at least 3 relatives of mine that would…
@chaoticdiva, I will add to your #1 comment: A Gaming Convention….
@chaoticdiva,
“6. A prison. I don’t care if you’re taking her to see your little brother, that ish is not kosher.”
LMAO. Like, they’re goin’ to site-see or something. Mofo this ain’t no zoo! lol
P.S. this photo on the post is ridiculous. WTF?
@Liz,
Why you makeda fun of me? (just kidding).
@Liz,
that’s what I was thinking lol.. .Like
what</strike who IS that???@Selah,
d*mn that didn’t turn out right.
I meant who IS that?
Home Depot. Regardless of how sexy you look in a toolbelt with a power drill in your hand… no woman wants to help you lay pipe [I'm talking literal pvc pipe people
] on the first date.
I suspect taking her to your baby mom’s house to drop off your delinquent child support isn’t a good idea either.
@Torrey,
LMAO…you got that right! That’s a bona fide way to get dismissed.
I weep for my city.
http://www.wxyz.com/news/local/story/Police-Man-Stole-Womans-Car-on-1st-Date/GevzSuZ_zUiYY_tsNc-P6A.cspx
1.) The title of the story is in the link.
2.) You picked dude up on the first date?
3.) How do you continue dating ( both the guy & unfortunate miss)?
@Nola Darling,
It’s so grimy in Detroit now. I think these dudes are trying to make the 80s look like Shangri-la. Did you ever hear about the story of the dude that met the chic on the chat line, had sex with her, and then robbed her?
@Humble_One aka Field Ninja, now THAT’S f*ckin the game up!
@Humble_One aka Field Ninja,
Tell me about it. Why am I doing contract work for Detroit *entities that shall remain nameless* that STILL haven’t PAID a sista for services rendered? And the Ninjas out here all are grimy.