**I think today’s the last day to vote for the Black Weblog 2009 awards. Since I’m Black, I actually forgot to vote my d*mn self. Ain’t that a shame. Spend all that time telling other people to vote and forgetting to do it myself. Anyway, get thee to the voting booth and vote for Very Smart Brothas in the categories up there to the right. If not for us, do it for the children. And Whitney. And yes, this should be the last you hear of this. Thank goodness. **
One of the best things a man can do to impress a woman early on is to surprise her. The only thing women love more than an LOL ) text is a surprise. Of course, men love surprises too unless the surprise starts with “i’m late” and ends with “…gonna be a daddy.”
Something about that particular surprise just doesn’t take you to your happy place.
Anyway, one of the best surprises you can pull is to take a woman on a first date that she doesn’t expect. Picnics, parasailing, a hot-air balloon, Compton, you know, something out of the ordinary. If you take a woman out and keep her guessing, and she ends up at a place she hasn’t been before or sees something she’s never seen before, then she might turn around and do things she’s “never done” before. It’s a total win-win for everybody.
However, this can also go very, very badly. How bad? Real bad, Micheal Jackson. As in Conrad Murray bad. Especially when dealing with Black women. You see, Black women have special needs and circumstances that must be accounted for when planning a surprise date. Blame it on slavery. Blame it on the rain. Hell, blame it on the al-al-al-al-co-hol. Fact is, there are just certain roads you do not want to go down with Black women, first date or last date. So, given our crime-fighting credo-here at VSB, and our staunch pro-survivial-of-the-species stance, here are 7 surprise first dates that you should NEVER take a Black woman on.
(BTW, I’m well aware that some of these can go for a woman of any hue. Zip-a-dee-do-da. Kthxbi.)
1. Water Park (with a close runner up being an amusement park)
You know how Black women are about their hair and water. Add some wind into the mix and it’s all downhil from there, buddy. For one, unless you tell her where you’re going she’s definitely not going to be dressed for an amusement park. And that showing up with a bikini and thinking she’s going to be glad you bought her one? Yeah, not a good look. Putting your date in a bikini AND putting her hair in danger of going all Macy Gray = no nudity.
Though your mother’s house is a great place to eat 7 days a week, it’s a horrible place to eat with a woman who doesn’t quite know your last name (that’s a lie, she’s probably googled your a** 12 ways from Sunday). ESPECIALLY without notice. Plus, what if your mama can’t cook? Now she hates you AND she’s going to talk about your mama.
3. Your child’s practice
Let’s see. Kids? Outdoor events? Soccer moms? Man, so you’ve put your first date in the line of fire with bugs, single parentism, and women who knit for sport. Overall, this is a bad idea for anybody. Ever.
4. Wayne Newton concert
I’m saying, I like all kinds of music and I’d be mad as all hell if somebody took me to see Wayne Newton on a date. AND I LIKE WAYNE NEWTON. (That’s a lie actually.) I’d take Neil Diamond over Wayne Newton and I’d prefer to eat rusty sawblades than listening to Neil Diamond. So I can only imagine what a chick who loves Sade would feel like. No nookie.
5. Buffet (or any restaurant that you have a coupon for)
They don’t want no scrubs. You’re Black dude, I know you heard the song and loved TLC.
6. Babies ‘R Us
It’s bad enough that you’re taking her shopping and it’s not for her, but taking her shopping for your baby’s stuff? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. Ain’t no Black woman taking care of no babies that ain’t hers. Until you marry her and then she’ll pretty much take care of all your kids fo’ free.
7. Habitat For Humanity House
As altruistic as Black women are, you kind of can’t let her show up for a date and force her to do physical labor. I mean, she might not want to do it but its for charity, she kind of has to. Plus, you drove so she will just have to the lone a**hole sitting around while everybody else is working. Basically, it’s just wrong to do this. Though, she’ll probably get some well needed community service points. You see what that did for Michael Vick.
So, what are some other first dates that you should never take a Black woman on? Remember, we’re trying to save lives here.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3