Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

Oh, And About Assholes And The Women Who Love Them…

It happens at least once a season. Someone on a few high profile blogs or websites will state their particular take about the whole “women are attracted to assholes” thing, and, as was seen last week at Jezebel, The National Review, Male Fide, and Chateau Heartiste, each of the (combined) thousands of responses these articles will generate will fit into one of eight categories.

1. Women using anecdotal evidence to deny that women are attracted to assholes. 

2. Women saying that it is true…for young women and stupid women. Mature women don’t  fall for the same tricks

3. Women saying “It’s not that we like assholes, it’s just that “nice” guys are usually assholes in disguise. So, why not just deal with the real thing?”

4. Women reluctantly agreeing with the theory that asshole men are generally more attractive to women, and cursing God for giving them such predictable vaginas

5. Women happily agreeing that it’s true that women are into jerks. 

6. Men using anecdotal evidence to state that assholes don’t win. (i.e. “I’m a nice guy, and I stay swimming in ass, yo.“)

7. Men stating that assholes do win, and also saying that any woman (or man) who doesn’t agree is being dishonest.

8. Men stating that assholes win, and using this info as proof that women are generally f*cked up people, and also using it as an excuse for why their lame ass hasn’t gotten any p*ssy since Big P*ssy was still alive on “The Sopranos”

Where do I stand in all of this? While I don’t think that women are inherently attracted to assholes per se, I do believe that many of the characteristics that turn women’s panties into Niagara Falls happen to be possessed in abundance by men who happen to be assholes.

I do not think this is a coincidence, though. Men (and women) who happen to be at the top of the food chain are given more asshole-leeway. A 10 can get away with more sh*t than a 7 can. Also, since they’re used to people treating them like they’re the sh*t, they possess less incentive not to be assholes.

It’s funny, though. A part of me wants to believe that not being as asshole is the way to go, but both anecdotal and observational evidence doesn’t agree with that. Even from my own personal experience, I’ve found that being me, but an aloof, distant, apathetic, and (somewhat) mysterious me does actually work better than being an open and, dare I say it, “nice” me.

Anyway, that’s enough from me today. People of VSB.com, how exactly do you feel about the theory that women are generally attracted to assholes? Also, which one of the eight are you?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    #AssHolesBeWinning is the new #HoesBeWinning

    I think women like men who are masculine and dominant, but don’t realize who doesn’t have to be a complete d*ck.

    Ramdom otherness:
    I’m confused by women like Fantasia on so many levels, i.e, successful on their own but being corrupted by lesser men. She was running the streets of Atlanta with Young Dro while she was supposed to be on stage on NYC for The Color Purple. And now she had a baby by a married man…who sold cell phones? At least Alicia Keys went after a man who had money (I think? Swizzy owes a few milli to the IRS, but anyway)

    Then there are men who love ain’t sh*t women: http://missjia.com/2012/03/07/attention-whores-scandals-superhead-tired-sht/

    • Latonya

      Maybe Tasia thing these men are 10!

      • Latonya

        I mean think these mean are a 10!

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          Fanny can’t count past 5 sooo…Yeah.

          • LuckBALady

            iDied

          • Latonya

            lol

    • Latonya

      Fantasia is not the alone woman with men problems! Look at Evenly from Basketball wives! I mean the woman told Chad that it’s ok for him to cheat as long as he were a condom? And I would like to add that Chad Ochocinco is the biggest Asshole of them all !

      • Iceprincess

        Dare i say, i feel evelyn on that. Men (yes ALL ). Will. Cheat. Theyre hardwired to. Its natural. Chris rock said ” its no p*ssy like NEW pussy”! It doesnt mean he dont love you and/or the kids, it jus means he needed some strange. Lol. I lost my train of thought. Signing off……

        • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

          See, I can’t cosign with that logic because cosigning it means that I believe I’m not worthy of respect. If a man loves me, he’ll respect me. If he respects me, on a human level not just as a woman, as his woman rather, he wouldn’t do anything to me that he wouldn’t want done to himself. So if he has a problem with me cheating, but can’t respect me enough to not cheat on me though…? No, I can’t cosign that logic at all…

          • LuckBALady

            +1

          • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

            I’d have to disagree with both of you. Yeah men get urges to have something new (and women). But that doesn’t make it ok. And a man with integrity can control himself.

            But accepting that your man might cheat and handing him some condoms doesn’t mean you think you deserve less respect. It could mean that emotional fidelity is more important than physical. Cheating isn’t a deal breaker for every woman.

            • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

              Sounds like you agree with me to me… o.O Or am I missing something?

              I won’t be the naive one and say men don’t get urges, because hell, women do too. But if a mutual respect is in tact, and if there is genuine love there, I don’t think those little lusts matter much.

              Then again I’m a VSBaby -_- and an idealistic one at that so…

              • Justmetheguy

                ” Then again I’m a VSBaby -_- and an idealistic one at that so…”

                Exactly. At least you realize there’s a reason I decided not to address the rest of your comment lol

                • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

                  Can I pose a question then? Idealistically or not, if a man cheats on me and then X amount of months or years down the road I cheat back (because I believe in equality n’sh*t)…what’s the point of being monogamous? Or is that the point, that no man can truly be monogamous?

                  You see…women put an emotional tack onto anything sexual. Not saying it’s right or wrong but it just is. So if he’s cheating physically and I put an emotional cloak around sex because in my naivete I think that it’s something special between lovers, does that mean physical and emotional fidelity at that point have been broken? And if that is the case, I reiterate, what is the point of being with someone exclusively?

                  *gets out notepad*

                  • Around the Way Girl

                    Well, do all relationships have to follow the same rules? Yes, women tend to naturally desire both emotional and physical exclusivity while men would be just as happy spreading their seed around everywhere if they could. At the end of the day, someone has to compromise. Shouldn’t it be up to the people involved in the relationship to define the terms? I mean, I’m not gonna tell my man he can sleep around (not at this point anyway…who ever knows where or who they’ll be in 10-20 years?) and he DEFINITELY wouldn’t be cool with me doing it, so our relationship is totally exclusive and that works for us. The next couple might enjoy switching things up from time to time, or having threesomes, or having an open relationship, or whatever else people do. Are they wrong for that? Who’s to say?

                    • Justmetheguy

                      @ Tes- I was gonna respond, but AroundtheWayGirl summed it all up…different strokes for different folks. I also addressed the “do all men cheat?” curiosity somewhere else on this thread

            • Justmetheguy

              +1 to IcePrincess and Wild Cougar. It’s women that understand and accept that who actually make me believe in unconditional love. One thing I’ve noticed about women and ppl in general is that they always make the actions of others mean something specific to their interpretations. Why is it disrespect? Because you say it is? I’m not gonna have that argument though. We’ll agree to disagree. I didn’t know Evelyn felt that way (don’t watch the show, but I know who she is from the blogoshphere and I know that she’s a good looking woman) I like her even more now…

              • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                “Why is it disrespect? Because you say it is? ”

                I think society as a whole as deemed in disrespectful. This belief is often supported by our religion and our laws. We value s.e.x.ual fidelity for a variety of reasons and it’s logical to do so. Even polygamists are expected to only be sleeping with their spouses.

                • Justmetheguy

                  I hear you, but I’m not one to accept EVERYTHING society has determined. Society will be society, I’ll be me.

                  ” I think society as a whole as deemed in disrespectful. This belief is often supported by our religion and our laws. We value s.e.x.ual fidelity for a variety of reasons and it’s logical to do so. ”

                  I agree, but I’m not religious. I don’t ALWAYS follow laws either. Most importantly though, love, sex, and attraction are rarely logical. Understanding is logical though (usually) and Evelyn seems very understanding. Plus she’s logical for requiring that he wear a condom. Safety first :)

                  • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                    This argument really applies to anything. “just society says it’s wrong…” Marriage is about total commitment to your spouse. I’m not sure why that’s up for debate.

                    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                      “just *because* society says it wrong…” My comments are getting too skinny so I’ll leave it there.

                    • Justmetheguy

                      ” Marriage is about total commitment to your spouse. I’m not sure why that’s up for debate.”

                      Because marriage is changing before our very eyes. If it doesn’t it will either die out and become obsolete or continue producing rampant cheating and divorce. Whatever works for ppl…I’m leaning towards staying unmarried (not necessarily single though) for life, but yall are free to be as monogamous, truthful, or delusional as you would like. I sincerely wish you all the best in ALL your romantic endeavors

              • Chanelle

                So are you agreeing that all men will cheat?

                • Justmetheguy

                  @ Chanelle- I dont like to make blanket statements or be so black and white about it. At certain stages in a man’s life (whether or not he’s in denial about being at that stage or not) it is VERY unrealistic to expect a man to be completely monogamous. At other stages the chances that he won’t stray go up (usually with age and maturity) but don’t vanish completely. However unless a man has EVERYTHING he actually needs and MOST of what he wants in his spouse (and more importantly in himself), then the chances that even a mature and otherwise morally upright man will stray when the opportunity presents itself are still pretty great. The likelihood of him cheating also gets diminished the more self-actualized and truly fulfilled with his life and his sexuality he is. So if he has real confidence (not this outwardly perceived confidence that attracts women to *ssholes) and wholeness/serenity in his soul then it’s actually UNLIKELY that he’ll cheat. So I guess what I’m saying is that no every man won’t cheat, and some men are unlikely to cheat, but most men will cheat even when they don’t really want to, because they aren’t right within (usually because they thought they had reached that stage, or tried to force it when they really weren’t there yet). Dudes often try and end up forcing this stage because they meet a woman that would be perfect to live this stage with, but they met her at the wrong time. How many assertive and self-respecting men would let the woman of their dreams walk away simply because they aren’t/weren’t ALL THE WAY right yet themselves? “Aight, Imma act right this time”….womp lol

              • Iceprincess

                Rite. For evelyn, it makes sense. Look we’re not talkin about the average d*ck & jane here. This is a groupie-turnt-wifey & a professional athelete!! Ev knows what time it is. This aint her 1st rodeo.

                • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                  i wonder if she would want the same type of relationship for her daughter.

            • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

              Speak, Wild Cougar.

          • http://www.twitter.com/imperviousheart Imperviousheart

            +1
            Say that ish

      • Chanelle

        Evelyn is an asshole too though so they deserve each other! At lease chad is funny…..which is a highly desirable trait to women.

        • Chanelle

          correction- *At least*

        • itsgoodtrustme

          Man Chad is a super A hole….Evelyn tweeted him like are you picking me up from the airport dude told her however you got there is how you need to get back then he spent the whole day tweetin picts of him stopping by random people homes in her car and still did not get this chic from the airport lol

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            That’s funny as hell…

          • ADMVesq

            While she may have momentarily felt disrespected, I bet she’ll keep on coming back.

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        I saw that conversation and I was shocked. I know they are adults and it’s nunna, but, that some BS. How you as a woman don’t feel you’re worthy of loyalty from your husband- at the least- is beyond me. If he’ll cheat with a c0nd0m, he’ll cheat without one- IMHO

        • Around the Way Girl

          If she says it’s cool, is it still cheating?

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            In my opinion, yes. Her agreeing to it doesn’t change what it is.

          • Justmetheguy

            ” If she says it’s cool, is it still cheating?”

            Nope, not at all. Cheating implies deception and a breach of trust. If she said it was ok, it’s not cheating, it’s being poly-amorous. Where’s Yoles when we need her?! lol

            • Around the Way Girl

              Right? I’m with you.

            • Latonya

              I’m more shock that the fact that she is say, yeah you can cheat as long as you are having safe sex! But what if he is not having safe sex then what?I mean wow what this woman would do just be to married!

    • sincereluv4life

      I don’t like it when people are hard on Fantasia.

      She’s just like soooooo many black women & women in general who date according to:
      -how they see themselves as opposed to…..
      -knowing their worth + waiting for somebody who is “actually” worth their time.

      I think most women/men have fallen into that trap at least one time in their life.

      • Kema

        I agree… Her self esteem hasnt caught up with her fame.

  • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    As a woman I don’t really know what I like until I get it. That being the case, the most recent trend I’ve noted is that I like nice guys…with @sshole-y qualities. Sarcasm, quick wit and an edge of smart-@ssy-ness to me are a sign of intelligence. And intelligence sincerely sweetens my tea.

    • Crystal

      Girl we like the same type of men. Hope we don’t live in the same city, lol.

      • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        No worries, I’m not on the prowl :) lol

    • That Ugly Kid

      Would an a-hole with Nice Guy qualities be the same thing then? Because that would fit me. I’m a d*ck. But to whomever I’m dating I’m the sweetest most care person ever. Isn’t that what young females dream about though? Badboys who’s only gentle towards her?

      • Kidsister

        Yep *swoon*

      • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

        Only half true. Women unconsciously put men through tests. Nice guys fail these tests often.
        Think about it this way: Ask a girl what she wants to eat. She’ll likely say something to the effect of not knowing. Then she’ll ask you what you think sounds good. Now, you have ideas and you offer them one by one. She declines them one by one. That very same, emotional reasoning, is how women respond to luke warm men. Like these men are offering something that she doesn’t prefer at that moment.
        Some women have a strong desire for something until it doesn’t work for her…suddenly…she no longer wants that. Again…I’m saying too much. Game to be sold not told.

      • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        It’s all about the mixture for most women. Until she finds the perfect mix of what tastes good to her? She may be sippin a lot of drinks…

        Personally, I like a person who’s all around kind because a kind heart is something you can’t fake for too long a time, it’s something genuine. @sshole or not, if he’s got a kindness to him, I’ll give him a shot

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      +me

    • SororSalsa

      Agreed.

      Of course…that means he’s the male version of me, so I can definitely get with those qualities. Intelligence is the ultimate afrodisiac.

  • Cleanupman

    Damn, my response to the post is already in the post. Grand opening, grand closing :-/

  • That Ugly Kid

    I agree for the most part. I don’t fit into any particular category. But if I had to choose, it’d be #7. Women are, for whatever reason, attracted to jerks. Even worse, after finding out the guy their with is a jerk, they still stay with him. The fact that I see so many women on FB quoting Mary J Blige’s “Mr. Wrong” makes it no better.

    I don’t have a big problem with women dating jerks. It’s the complaining they do afterwards that annoys me to no end. You know how it is. Chester McCheaterson is unfaithful (surprise, surprise!) to his girl and for the next few days we get a bunch of “Men ain’t sh*t” statuses on her FB. This is when I get extremely annoyed.

    (To be continued…gotta handle something…)

    • That Ugly Kid

      (Alright false alarm, Your Royal Sexiness has returned. Rejoice)

      I get annoyed because you are knowingly dating jerks, but yet have the audacity to complain about it. Now, by no means am I taking away the blame of the jerk. He’s wrong for whatever he’s done. But you, the woman, made the decision to date the guy.

      It’s like when you stick your hand in a flame for the first time. It burns. Ok, you now know not to do it again. The next time you stick your hand in there though, it’s your fault. No one feels sorry for you. You KNEW fire burns but you put your hand in there anyway. It’s the same with women who date jerks. But women love us (yea, “us”) so what can you do. I always say, “Nice guys finish last, because Life’s a bitch.”

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      “Women are, for whatever reason, attracted to jerks. Even worse, after finding out the guy their with is a jerk, they still stay with him.”

      I, too believe that women love to be gluttons for punishment…but that’s just me…
      “The fact that I see so many women on FB quoting Mary J Blige’s “Mr. Wrong” makes it no better.”

      What’s worse is that I see women my age or older singing that song as if it’s gospel- but then again, they do that to EVERY Mary J. Blige song, LMAO!!!

      “I don’t have a big problem with women dating jerks. It’s the complaining they do afterwards that annoys me to no end. You know how it is.”
      Man do, they!!!!

      “Chester McCheaterson is unfaithful (surprise, surprise!) to his girl and for the next few days we get a bunch of “Men ain’t sh*t” statuses on her FB. This is when I get extremely annoyed”

      Or they go on their unnecessarily long winded “men ain’t sh*t” (Or “Black men ain’t sh*t” depending on where you go) rant on places like Clutch, Madame Noire, Beyond Black & White, YouTube, Twitter. Once again, proving that a broken hearted woman and social media don’t mix, LMAO!!!

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think the post is completely truthful. It only reaches the surface. It’s not that women are attracted to “jerks;” it’s more like women don’t want to be alone, so the first guy that shows them interest is entertained. Some stay in these relationships for a while because their afraid that they won’t find anyone else to love them. Deep down, I think men feel the same way too. Thankfully, most of us snap out of it and try to move on.

      • Around the Way Girl

        “women don’t want to be alone, so the first guy that shows them interest is entertained.”

        I see what you’re saying, but if it really was that simple then more nice guys would be winning, right? There is something to this whole “women like jerks” thing. I see it all the time, and it totally baffles me. But I do think there are more women who don’t like jerks than people realize.

        • Justmetheguy

          ” I see what you’re saying, but if it really was that simple then more nice guys would be winning, right? There is something to this whole “women like jerks” thing.”

          Yup. The assumption is that if he doesn’t follow the rules he must be above the law, ie he has more power and authority than the other guys, ie he’s winning and I want to be on the winning team…or somethin like that lol

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      “I don’t have a big problem with women dating jerks. It’s the complaining they do afterwards that annoys me to no end.”

      THANK YOU! And the whole blaming everybody else, blaming him, blaming God, blaming everybody for them liking jerks. Admit you like him, that’s what you are going for, and shut the eff up. I seriously don’t want to hear your complaints. You could let him go if you wanted to.

      • Justmetheguy

        @ Asiyah- Tell em again, cause they don’t hear u! lol

        • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

          I have to, since it’s hard to hear me over their loud sobbing of “life’s not fair!” “God must hate me!” and “why can’t God make him change for me?!” LOL

          • Namia

            ha ha ha just killed me..yeah chicks need to learn taking more responsibility for their choice s in spouses/bfs

  • Corey

    Hey, I’m an azz. Women complain…and yet they don’t leave. Call it what you will.

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      Er…pimpin’, perhaps? LMAO!!!

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      Azzes are usually funny. You know women love to laugh.

    • http://twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

      “Call it what you will.”

      P-I, M-P, ology, but logically…

    • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

      Corey is the bees knees.

  • Crystal

    Well, I guess I agree but experience has kept me from dating assholes seriously. My first boyfriend and first in everything was king of assholes. I knew he was an asshole, I was young and he screwed me over so bad I haven’t dated an asshole since. I actually think I might have kind of turned into an asshole. Working on that now, lol.

  • RunBabyRun

    I like assholes, but I don’t know if it is true for all women. Lol

  • Iamnotakata

    I’m kind of an asshole myself, therefore I require someone that at least has asshole tendencies. I can’t have no man getting all sensitive when I talk fly to him, he’s has to be able to roll with the punches…

    • SororSalsa

      +1

      I don’t think I’m an asshole per se, but I’m definitely a smartass and have a very sarcastic sense of humor (honed since childhood by my very sarcastic father). So I definitely can’t have some pansy-soft, Drake emo dude getting all in his feelings every time I say something smart. I’m smart enough to know that I can’t say everything I think….it just means I need someone who won’t crack the first time I don’t self censor.

  • Rick

    Nice guys may be on the shopping list entering the store……but they aren’t in the shopping cart upon departure.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      Although I disagree, I love the phrasing.

      • Justmetheguy

        ” Although I disagree, I love the phrasing.”

        lol, you disagree? Care to explain y?

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          Because I like to think I picked one up the last time I went to the store. :)

          • Justmetheguy

            hahahaha! Got u. Congrats and sh*t lol

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    I think the key word is SOME. Some women are attracted to jerks. And some aren’t. I’m sure there are a bunch of psychological reasons why one is or isn’t attracted to a jerk. But I think it basically boils down to it’s a mutually parasitic relationship. Each feeds off the other. There must be some kind of energy exchange between the two. Or maybe it’s the contrast between the two. Just theories here.

    • Rick

      This would fall under the “Not all women….” category that he should’ve added.

      • Justmetheguy

        lmao! +1 Rick. Val besides the “some women” part of your post I liked what you said. Those theories make sense and I’ve entertained them before. I think they have at least some truth to them. I think nice/intelligent/wifey type girls tend to be attracted to *ssholes for a multitude of reasons and those two theories are just a few of the many reasons. I think women that are b*tches tend to go more for high status and rich men, while regular women (of all attractiveness levels) go for *ssholes and charismatic scoundrels who are entertaining, jerks fall hard for women who are ape sh*t batty and borderline sociopaths who disrespect/cheat on them (probably because they see so much of themselves in them). So the human pathology almost always leads to a scenario involving a sub-group chasing another sub-group that is chasing someone else lol. It’s all a hilarious cycle to me! Chain chain chaaaaaaaaaain, chain chain chaaaaaaaaaaaain chain of fooooooools lmao!