“yeah, i walked in the shower. i’m not a homosexual or nothing like that, but kobe had no clothes on.”

—ron artest

as camfra¹ continues to prove, many straight men frequently and happily partake in behavior more suspect than conrad murray. while we don’t actually acknowledge these acts as being gay, rest assured, there’s some sh*t we do that’s gayer than christmas morning.

thing is, all straight acts of gayness aren’t created equal. there’s a distinct difference between bruno (very gay) and a bare-chested barroom brawl (slightly less gay, but still very gay).

today, as a service from verysmartbrothas.com, the champ has created a straight men’s gayness gauge, a useful ledger to let you know exactly what percentage of gayness each act entails. enjoy and sh*t.

98.7%

being violently homophobic

***is there anything more ironic than the fact that the people responsible for making the most homophobic music ever created on the planet were probably dressed like this…

…when they produced it?***

84.9%

being so afraid of the possible misperception of your heterosexuality that you unironically preface every suspect statement with “no homo”.

77.4%

intentionally sagging your pants.

the bared boxer brief is basically the male equivalent of the tramp stamp. you might as well save us all some time and tattoo a bullseye on your anus.

(at least) 72%

running a train.

***there’s actually an very user-friendly equation to figure the amount of inherent gayness with a guy’s position in a train

(p (number of guys involved) * q (your position on the train)) * 5.8

basically, if you’re running a train with five other guys and you’re third up to bat, you’ve officially committed an act that was 104.4% gay***

69%

prison sex.

***unless your cellmate happens to be prince. if so, the percentage of gayness goes down to 35.9 percent. ***

60.2%

being a seven year old boy

if you don’t believe me, go to a local park this weekend and count how many extremely gay acts seven to nine year old boys commit per square minute. for whatever reason, most boys have a gene in them that turns them into nathan lane for two years right before they hit puberty. 

58.2%

shopping at american apparel, which amazingly holds the distinction of being the gayest retail chain in america for both genders

50%

any and all lip-syncing, regardless of genre and or circumstance, unless it directly leads to a threesome with the two youngest sisters in a set of quadruplets.

44%

referring to another man as “the champ”, despite the fact that you’ve never actually met him

31%

the chest bump, an act which has officially replaced the “soft ass smack” and the use of a giant bong as the most widely accepted blatantly homoerotic phenomenon in male culture.

26%

sports fandom

***even the most die-hard sports fan has to admit that spending over 30 hours a week watching, discussing, reading, and writing about the trails and tribulations of ultra-athletic, scantily clad giant men in their mid to late twenties possesses the exact amount of slight gayness that tyler perry is trying to convince us that he has. ***

17%

eating pancakes, eggs, grits, and link sausage.

while nothing says “straight” (and belligerent stools) like a hearty lumberjack’s breakfast, the fact that you’ve chosen link sausage instead of a manlier canadian bacon or lamb brisket adds a sprinkle of gayness to your feast. to combat this gayness, instead of drinking juice from a glass, just crush an orange in your hands over your open mouth

13.4%

mixed martial arts

***would actually be much, much higher on the list if i wasn’t deathly afraid of rampage jackson and rampage jacksons interminable rows of metal teeth***

6%

getting married

while marriage itself is undoubtedly gay, partaking in the process leading up to the marriage (dealing with insane family demands, potentially footing a ridiculously ridiculous bill, and having to stomp out bridezilla’s fires every fifteen minutes) is straighter than jules winnifield.

1.1%

taking care of your kids

although nothing is straighter than being a great father, you still have to exhibit a smidgen of gayness to properly babytalk and willingly relinquish the boobage to someone who’s 1/100th of your size.

still, be comforted by the fact that you’ve been strong-armed and extorted by the only presumably straight thing on the planet without a modicum of gayness….a baby.

people of vsb.com. i know i’m missing a few acts. what else would you put on the list, and where would you place it?

¹crazy ass muthaf*ckin ron artest

—the champ