Lists, Pop Culture, Race & Politics

Non-Conventional Gifts That Make Me Happy During This Holiday Season

Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow.

Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow.

Or any season really…

With Christmas right around the corner, I’ve been a bit reflective lately. It’s important to sit back and take the time to realize the little things in life and the tiny blessings that have been bestowed upon from out yonder and up above. If you take a second to truly look at life in all of its glory, you will realize that there is evidence that whoever you pray to was busy leaving little easter eggs all over the place. You know the kind of places where compromise has come full circle.

Yes, that higher power, what a great person. So it is in this season that I thank 8 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus who don’t even know a word yet (though I happen to prefer mine with a mullet) for the bevy of good tidings he brings for me and my kin. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

With that being said, here a bunch of little blessings to be thankful for during this holiday season.

- unattractive men with big bank accounts

- unattractive women with great bodies

- multi-colorway Jordan’s

- Honey Jack Daniels Whiskey

- short men with great personalities

- overt racism

- Duck Dynasty (even despite the recent comments which to me is just like the Chik-Fil-A kerfluffle a few years ago)

- White Hennessey

- Black Twitter

- White Wegman’s

- Hybrid SUVs

- Cuffin’ season for the cold months

- Summer dresses for the hot months

- Strobe lights for drunken nights at the club

- Sweet & Sour Gummie Bears

- Boxer briefs

- women in wife beaters

- Black Santa

- White Jesus

- White Santa

- Black Jesus

- Beyonce albums when you least expect them

- Beyonce albums when you do expect them

- HBCU pride

- PWI ambivalence about HBCU pride

- Allen wrench drill bits for IKEA furniture

- Kanye West rants

- Answers to questions that Kanye thinks there are no answers to

- All Black everything

- Racks on racks

- The intro to Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “Foe Tha Love Of Money”

- The intro to Mint Condition’s “Breakin’ My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)”

- non-Black women with big ole booties

- big ole booties

- brown paper packages tied up with string

- 2 Chainz

- The reaction of people when you yell 2 Chainz in a crowded room

- Finding dreams that were deferred

- Asinine opinions on music

- Pet rocks to throw at people with asinine opinions on music

- naked cartwheels on hardwood floors

- The Willie Warmer

And with that…I’ll stop. So what are some non-conventional gifts that you are thankful for this holiday season?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WARM WILLIE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • Andrea

    Mink eyelashes

    • Yoles

      this is just me but why would someone want eyelashes so thick, its like having a set of angel wings on your eyelids… like every time you blink your eyes catch a breeze… i have never worn falsies but seeing them look like thick weights on my cashiers eye lids seems like a bit much…

      • Andrea

        The mink ones are super light and super natural and super expensive. I’m a makeup junkie! And I love full on looks. Its definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I worked as an assistant to a makeup artist when I was very young, and I fell in love. Now it’s mostly my art therapy.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          ~ Now it’s mostly my art therapy.

          i feel you. i’ve always taken my hair, face, and body as the canvas for my art ~*~

          but .. how many minks gotta die for lashes ?

      • Andrea

        Also they are great for folks going through chemo to have a more realistic look. I like to help out folks going through cancer treatments with hair and makeup ideas!

        • Yoles

          ok maybe I’m thinking the wrong kind.. super light and natural looking… so what are the ones that are so thick and rich and look like layers upon layers of lashes… let me find a pic

          please excuse the color…

          • Andrea

            Yeahhhh that’s something else. Is that synthetic? I wouldn’t put those on folks going through chemo.

            • Yoles

              i thought that was what you were talking about when you said mink lashes… i have no idea what those are and i am NOT here for them for anyone anytime…

              i don’t wear makeup nor lashes… i don’t have opinion on those that do but when things just looking crazy i say something…

              i saw the aira mink lashes that cost $250 and for something so small and attached to my eye to be so expensive… black and white jesus has to attach them for me…lol

          • Andrea

            I think Beyonce looks not to over the top here.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          cheers ~*~

          my boys ife was going through cancer, and having a hard time, and i told him to get his wife a wig and at first he was upset, but then they got into it and oo la la ~*~

  • Andrea

    And Breast implants!

    • Andrea

      Black Santa is not gonna like whoever gave me the thumbs down.

      • Andrea

        Black Baby Jesus! 2 thumbs down?? Black Baby Jesus I know you will be with me when I go pick ‘em out tomorrow. I wish Mom and Dev could be there. Wait I know you guys are always with me.

      • panamajackson

        I feel like somebody was having ALL the fun at your expense with the downvotes.

    • Tia_Sunny

      I for sure need those! Lol

    • Sahel

      Yes,Sahel does not pay for reductions

      • panamajackson

        Right you’ll just pay to make ‘em bigger!

    • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

      Godspeed, ma’am. May your new biddies be perky and light! :)

      • Andrea

        Thank you!

    • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Just make sure to holla at Dr. J Curves for the matching booty once you heal up in the spring. :) Balance is key!

  • Cheekie Mae

    This… (saw this a few min ago… chrimmuh came early) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aceuaYKC8lI

    Oh, and prolly the best non-conventional gift you can give to me is joining me in an impromptu sing-off of my favorite Disney songs.

    • http://naturallyalise.com/blog naturallyalise

      thanks to me… I was the gifter! I am the besssss!

    • JayIzUrGod

      lawwwwwwwd jesus that was funny and necessary…the 80s was so tricky

      • nillalatte

        I ain’t get it. :( But, dude was a bit ADHD I think.

        • JayIzUrGod

          Homie clearly had that crack rock in his life at some point or another

    • panamajackson

      Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

  • PaddyfotePrincess

    Yesssss to Mint’s Pretty Brown Eyes.

    What is this Honey Jack you speak of? I don’t dabble in the dark liquor, but the HJ consistently gets rave reviews.

    • JayIzUrGod

      Wait, you haven’t had Honey Jack yet? Homie, we need to talk, get on that ASAP. Its great

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        I’ll try it this weekend.

        • JayIzUrGod

          You’ll thank me, trust that.

    • Msdebbs

      I put simply lemonade my honey jack or maple hennessey makes it taste like candy

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        I hear it’s good with lemonade, so I’ll try it.

    • Michelle

      My motto always been “If it’s brown, then it doesn’t go down”.

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        Lol. That’s what they say.

        • Michelle

          For some strange reason, my alcohol tolerance level becomes low, when I drink any of the “brown” liquors. I’ll end up being the chick who has the split personalities, when I drunk. One minute, I am happy. The next minute, I am weeping while sitting in a corner. The next minute, I am singing karaoke to Sarah MacLachlan and Gap Band songs. The following minutes, I am h*rny and then the next minute, I am punching the dude in the face.
          Yeah, I stay away from the brown babies.

          • PaddyfotePrincess

            I will proceed with caution.

          • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

            That is a real thing. Not everyone can handle the tannins in brown liquor (aka the stuff that makes it brown) well. If you have a similar issue with red wine, that might not be the booze but your body not handling tannins well.

      • panamajackson

        I’m more of a “if its brown, then SHAKE YOU DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN…”

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      Ya breaking my heeeeeeaaaart

      • Guest

        Pretty Brown Eyes (Brown Eyed Edit) for the win!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Pretty Brown Eyed (Brown Eyed Edit) for the win!!

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        I see your Mint Condition, and raise you En Vogue’s Give It Up Turn It Lookse (Kevin’s Jazz Remix)
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjKSjWXmp3s

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I see you En Vouge and raise you The Gyrlz It’s Over

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vFWc_IZXuE

          • PaddyfotePrincess

            If I could up vote this twice I would.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              When Al B. Sure and Kyle West ruled the world.

          • panamajackson

            You really went it for it with this one I see.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      Honey Jack + butterscotch schnapps shot, with an orange juice chaser = breakfast. Tastes just like pancakes and OJ.

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        That sounds tasty. I’ll try them all during the holidays.

    • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

      Paddy you have homework this holiday season…try honey jack AND their seasonal bottle, Tennessee Cider jack….the cider tastes like adult apple cider!!

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        Thanks Bunni! I’ll add this to the list.

    • panamajackson

      It’s a little slice of heaven sprinkled with crack dust and heroin sprinkles all over it.

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        It must be, lol. I have a friend who keeps HJ in a flask at all times.

  • mscharming88

    Backshots & hair pulling (^_^)

    • JayIzUrGod

      Should be a new Christmas song by Mariah Carey & 2 Chainz

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

        Or Kelly Rowland and Juicy j

        • JayIzUrGod

          Nice one, Kelly is getting that point where she can’t make a song without it being overtly sexual anyway

    • panamajackson

      I see where your mind is.

      WHO DOWNVOTES SH*T LIKE THIS?

      • Val

        Questioning dwnvotes is a sure way to get dwnvotes apparently. Lol

        • panamajackson

          The downside to this is that I just start assuming and then I get the trigger finger ready for sh*ts and giggles.

        • panamajackson

          I clearly asked for this. lol

      • Rachmo

        See now I have to downvote you again. #breakthecycle

      • mscharming88

        People who don’t want happiness.

      • SuperStrings

        George W. Bush would say it’s because “They hate freedom.”

  • http://naturallyalise.com/blog naturallyalise

    - egg nog shakes from Cookout
    - Recovering Addict Jesus
    - Lalah Hathaway’s boobs

    - Lalah Hathaway’s boobs
    - Lalah Hathaway’s boobs

  • Andrea

    And Ovaries!

    • Royale W. Cheese

      Ovaries. I dunno. They give you cramps and make you get preggers.

      • Rachmo

        *daps*

      • Sahel

        Has this been proven

      • panamajackson

        Ovaries don’t make you get preggers. People who don’t use them responsibly make you get preggers.

        Is it ever okay for a man to say preggers?

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Like Peter Gunz

        • Amethyst

          No. Never.

  • Soula Powa

    I’m thankful for Tony Romo interceptions, the gift that keeps on giving. And steak.

    • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

      lamb > steak

      • Sigma_Since 93

        lamb cooked properly

    • panamajackson

      Yaymen.

  • Msdebbs

    wedge shoes cause I suck at walking in stilettos
    Florida weather because snow is the devil
    and hair weaves because I cut all my hair off and I look like Florida Evans under this wig.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      Damn damn daaaaaamn

    • Sigma_Since 93

      I’ll trade snow for Hurricanes and Southerns that can’t drive in winter conditions any day of the week.

      • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

        I’m going home for Christmas! I’ma wear shorts EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. whoop.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I’ll be down that way too but I won’t be wearing shorts.

          • Sahel

            Skirts?

            • Sigma_Since 93

              I’ll be wearing jeans; it’s pneumonia weather.

  • nillalatte

    Phew lawd… I’m thankful for all you crazy people that participate in ratchetness on VSB! If it weren’t for all you nut cases in the house, the house wouldn’t be as fun to visit. But, that Willy Warmer?! ROTFLMAO!!! Even more funny is the comment on that page from a woman… “Does this come in the average white guy edition??” LMFAO… OMG… my sides are hurting from the laughter!

    • panamajackson

      Yeah that kilt me too!!!