Unlike Kanye, I’m not a d-bag.
However, I have done some things that would definitely put me in d-bag territory. But despite my inclination towards d-bagerry on occasion, one thing that I cannot do is just breakup with a chick under duress.
I have a heart afterall.
Have you ever been in a relationship that you realized was tanking but you still didn’t want to let it go? Well what you need is a way to stop that inevitable breakup dead in it’s tracks. Luck for you, we here at VSB specialize in relationship longevity. Mind you. This all assumes that you are dealing with a person with a heart:
7 Ways to Stall A Breakup
1). Get pregnant
Now clearly this will only work for women since a man getting knocked up is just weird and guarantees nothing. Now gettin pregnant might stall you out for a little while, but it’s really a dumb idea. They might bounce and then you have 18 years (really probably 30 given this economy) to pick up the pieces (hustle Marsalis kazoo-taped-to-saxophone solo).
2). Get sick
Only a truly heartless bastard would dump a sick companion no matter how much they want to. Of course, once you get well they’re definitely out anyway so who wants their last days together to be full of Campbell’s and Vicks? Feel like crap AND get broke up with? Blower.
3). Death of a relative
Now I’m not saying you should kill anybody on your family. I’m just saying that should somebody die at the right time you may be able to squeeze a few more weeks in. Plus you get the chance to get sympathy points and you may be able to change their mind. Probably not–but what’s life without optimism?
4). Car accident
Folks really won’t break up with you after a car accident. That just makes them look bad. It doesn’t even have to be a major accident. A minor fender bender should do it. And you can do that on your own at home. There’s really no downside here aside from the car damage (hello insurance) and minor bruising. Of course you only get a one car accident reprieve.
5). Just say no
Seems dumb but y’all remember that Seinfeld episode, right? Of course after one party has ended the relationship, the one who won’t let go is more like a stalker and that could involve the police. But, you can’t make an omelete without breaking a few eggs, right?
6). Get them fired from their job
If they lose their job, my guess is that they probably wouldn’t want any more mental anguish. You could probably get a solid 2 to 3 more months out of that relationship. Of course they might also lean on you for money, liquor, and Lindt chocolates so it might not really be worth it after all.
7). Do something extremely nice
Take them to Tahiti, drive them to the moon, get them a lapdance from Beyonce, go to the Bronx and get him some Cambodian breast milk, etc. Nobody can break up with somebody after they’ve gone out of their way to be nice. Not right away, anyway. You’re still gonna get broke up with though so try not to blow all your dough.
Anyway, those are a few of the ways you can stall a breakup (without directly breaking any crimes), good people of VSB, what else you got?
-VSB P aka The Arsonist aka Tangle Jig P aka Giiiiiiiiiiirl, He a 3