I’m fairly certain that over the course of civilization, men and women have been figuring out and perfecting ways to piss off their boothangs at an alarming clip. From locking a man out of cave by pushing the boulder in front of the entrance early to forgetting to turn the crank on the car for a woman…pisstivity is an art form. I’m even convinced that many of us do it on purpose. I don’t even have a boothang right now but I just pissed off my boy’s boothang to keep my skills in tact. She had it coming though…how you gonna come up in my motherlovin’ establishment, eat my food, drink my wine, and then tell me Baby Boy is the worst thing to happen to the Black community since the Civil Rights Movement?
Just rude. Especially since the obvious truth is that Black people are the worst thing to happen to the Black community since the Civil Rights Movement.
Nowadays, with so many means of interacting with people we probably shouldn’t interact with, we end up with lots of boothangs and love interests that we normally wouldn’t have had when IM was a carrier pigeon. Between Al Gore’s offspring, smartphones, and iPads, we communicate differently now. We BBM, we Facebook, we chat and text. Hell we spend more time talking without speaking to one another you’d think we were all extras in a Charlie Chaplin movie. And with this new fangled technology swoon comes new and improved ways to get your point across and piss off your boothang. This is actually a talent and a skill. I’ve been impressed with some people’s ability to really get under the skin of their boopieces. Now for those needing some help in this department, fret not, VSB is here to show you how we do this son.
(By the way, I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not I have or will ever do any of these things. I will. Thank you and good night.)
1. Sending somebody to voicemail
Nothing illicits a ”no this motherf*cker did not” faster than hearing the voicemail greeting after the first ring. It’s just disrespectful. This works especially well if you rush your boothang off the phone and they call back. Ring. Voicemail. Death threats. Indictments. 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot PUNCH!
2. Changing your Gchat status from green to red or going invisible and pretending you’re not there
I don’t even adhere to people’s status lights anymore. Red is merely an indicator that you just want to talk to me and not everybody else. But if you want to piss somebody off, be mid convo and just go to busy…and don’t respond back. Or just log off altogether if you’re really gully. This especially works at pissing off women. Women do not like to be ignored, but being both ignored AND “hung up” on? She’s gonna attempt to lay hands on you later, fellas. Bob and weave, nicca. Bob and weave.
3. Take forever to respond to a text…then when they ask, tell them that you got it…via text…or blame it on your service provider
Some of you all are just impatient f*cks in general so too long could be 10 minutes, never mind that I’m enjoying a lovely stroll under a shade tree filled grove of love. Again, being ignored pisses folks off. I’ve found that women tend to be less inclined to ignore because it doesn’t really jive with their natural tendency towards creation of immediate chaos, whereas men’s defense mechanism is to supaman dat ho, then ignore her if that doesn’t work. Either way, I’ve been told that I have a tendency to do this. Tend deez. It’s AT&T’s fault.
4. Respond to a long ass email with a one word response
This is a personal favorite of mine. I’m king of taking your 2,000 word emotional spillage intended to tell me about myself, and responding back with “cool.”
Actually even that’s too much, I rarely give them the satisfaction of the extra “.”
5. Turning your phone off
Mostly because it’s just a blatant disregard for my innate desire at that moment to get some sh*t off my chest. You did it on purpose, you chanticleer!
6. Not responding to a BBM when it’s obvious that you already read it
Kind of self-explanatory here but, that has to BURN the person on the other end. I had a BB for two weeks and I specifically did that once just to see how long it would take to get a phone call…which I sent to voicemail. They emailed me and I said, “cool”. Yeah, that ended unamicably.
7. Facebook status change to: it’s complicated
Only for the truly gully, but some of you really spend too much time on Facebook. Stop it. But if you want to piss off your boothang on some Mexico versus France let’s prepare for Cinco De Mayo sh*t, just change your relationship status and watch what happens.
Those are but a few of the potential possibilities. Good people of VSB, laissez les bontemps rouler.
Educate the uneducated. Piss on you. R. Kelly.
What’s another new age way to piss off your boothang??
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. I PEED YOUR HONOR, BUT NOT ON NOBODY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, andFighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously.)
We’d like to thank all of you for coming through and nominating us for FIVE(fif’) Black Weblog Awards. We’re on the final ballot for Best Humor Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, Best Sex & Relationships Blog, Best Group Blog, and Blog of the Year. Please go vote for us here.