30 seconds.
apparently this is all the time it takes for a woman to decide whether a guy is eventual jungle monkey gotdamn material or not. thing is, between that first interaction and the first bottled water third frozen cosmo 37 minutes after you met for the first time on the fourth date, there remains a vast number of ways to salt your own game and eventually eliminate yourself quicker than george sodini.
today, as an extension of vsb.com’s crime-fighting ideals, the champ has decided to share five of them. take notes and sh*t
1. be too nice
while genuine interest from a woman doesn’t give you carte blanche to be an asshole unless you’re the champ, nothing makes a luscious love pocket go from brazilian rainforesty to straight sahara quicker than excessively ridiculous unconditional niceness. seriously, sacrificing your spine before you get the panties is such a surefire anti-damp that you might as well change your name to bounty.
it took me a while to learn this, as a young champ took sexual interest as a cue to instantly turn into stuart smalley, not realizing that always bending over backwards is a great way to make sure you wont be breaking any backs.
2. assume you’re already in there
unless you’re john mayer or whoever vivica fox happens to be dating, its usually not the best idea to assume that sex is a sure thing. even if they know you know they want to sleep with you, women still like to be wooed as if you’re completely oblivious to the soggy circus jumping out of her jean suit.
3. show your inner metro
as the popularity of the frohawk and strange things named “spectacular” have proven, the inane down-low hysteria has quelled somewhat in the past year or so. with that being said, women, black women especially, are still extra vigilant for any signs of pre or immediate post-coital effeminatity
unless you plan on dozens of consecutive nights of lonely solo exfoliation, archive the skinny jeans and timely celeb gossip until the at least the third time you’ve slept together, farnsworth.
4. slow your roll…except the exact opposite
while mysteriousness can be sexy if you’re hot, we all still like to have some inkling of reciprocation, women especially.
shifting sh*t on your busy schedule to spend time with her? good reciprocation
offering to pay her phone bill, updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”, and taking her to the grave of your beloved great-grandmother to pray for her blessing….after your first date? bad, bad, bad reciprocation. down boy. down dammit!!!
5. let her see you “sleeping”
if you’re a grower (a man whose flaccid penis is less than half of its erect size) you should remember the fact that there are many women who’ve made it to adulthood without ever seeing adult shrinkage. in fact, i bet at least 15-25 percent of the women reading this entry are unaware it even exists.
basically, while you may be packing a fully-loaded philly cheese steak sub when erect, its probably not the best idea to whip out your sleeping wang if it resembles a steak-umm while soft.
i’m sure i’m missing a few.
people of vsb.com, any additions?
—the champ
This put me on life support:
“offering to pay her phone bill, updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”, and taking her to the grave of your beloved great-grandmother to pray for her blessing”
This pulled the plug.
“basically, while you may be packing a fully-loaded philly cheese steak sub when erect, its probably not the best idea to whip out your wang if it resembles a steak-um while soft.”
@V.E.G.,
LIVE!!! V.E.G. LIVE!!!
You got a birthday to celebrate.
Happy Birthday !)
@WuDaMan,
LMAO.
Thank you!
@V.E.G.,
You welcome. Eat some of this I-cake. I made it w/ agave nectar and apple sauce it’s good for you. lol N there’s nuts n fruit babies glitter. It’s got all the ingredients of the bestess beer ever. (so what I’m trying too hard, it’s yo birfday) We got the crazy man from the simsons to sing Happy birthday V.E.G. n all that.
@V.E.G.,
Happiest of happies, V.E.G.etable.
@V.E.G.,
happy birthday and sh*t, and may your birthday be a very masculine one
@The Champ, this quote of yours never fails to make me chuckle, lol
yay for The Godfather!
@V.E.G.,
leo bdays yea dont party as hard as i did tho unless u take a day off to recover lol
@V.E.G., yeah, happy b-day ninja.
booyaka.
@V.E.G.,
yay!!!!! happy birthday!
*shooting gold birthday stars*
@V.E.G., Happy Birthday honey!
@V.E.G.,
HAPPY BIRFDAY, V-NESS!!! Excuse me as I sing you a song.
VEG its your birfday
HappyBirthday VEG
I wish u love and goodwill
I wish you peace and joy
I wish you better than your heart desires
And ur first kiss from a boy *snickers*
We shall celebrate tonight! Maybe I’ll go get more cupcakes!
@Thuggie Luvvie,
Mmmm, cupcakes.
I mean, Happy Birthday Veggie Tales!!
@Thuggie Luvvie, cupcakes!! Great, now I’m craving one.
VEG!!!!!!! Happy Bday!!! I’m glad you’re alive and sh**.
@V.E.G.,
Feliz cumple!!!! =)
@V.E.G.,
Happy Born Day VEGgie Tales!
May your day be filled with heels, dresses, crepes and herbal refreshments with fine arse rastas.
@BlackBerry Molasses,
It’s like you read my diary.
@V.E.G.,
HADDY BIRFDAY!!!
@V.E.G.,
Happy B-day, darlin’!! *does Leo jig*
@Cheekie,
Does Leo two step/booty toot combo.
@V.E.G.,
Go ‘head! I see you! lol
@Cheekie,
OOOOh my dreams are a coming true.
Shake it fast
watch yo self
shake it like a salt shaker
show me what you workin with
shake it like a polaroid picture
Roll like a 18 wheeler
@Cheekie,
I knowed there is a God!
@Wu,
SAD-alltheway-DOWN.
@V.E.G., happy birthday slim!
@Mr. Mister,
Thank you everyone.
@V.E.G.,
Happy Birthday VEG!
@V.E.G.,
Happy, happy, happy birthday!
@V.E.G., Happy Birthday V.E.G.!!!
Immediately off…don’t be weird. Keep the porn and hentai anime enthusiasm to yourself
until she moves in. Don’t get fetishy until she reveals hers mid-smash.And don’t go places you’re expected to spend some cash unless you really want to trick off a 50 spot or two.
BTW, it’s a general rule that your messy *ss room in your parents’ rest is not an option.
Sup with these “men on the hot seat” topics?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Sup with these “men on the hot seat” topics?
turn about is fair play.
@blackberry molasses,
“turn about is fair play.”
d*mn straight!
@blackberry molasses, I’ve been around long enough to notice that women aren’t on the hot seat in these topics.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
obviously not paying attention **pats head** its okay. its early.
@blackberry molasses,
Co-signage.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
‘Sup with these “men on the hot seat” topics?”
lets play a little numbers game and sh*t
339: as of today, this represents how many entries we’ve had on vsb.com
(at least) 100: this represents how many of those are directly targeted at women, with topics spanning from “why you’re an evil b*tch”, “signs you’re a pretentious piece of sh*t”, and “mistakes every educated woman makes” to “how to charm a man”, “why professional women basically suck”, and “the mirror” (which was an entry basically telling unattractive women to kill themselves, lol)
12: the number of minutes it took me to look back and count exactly how many topics were directly targeted at women. it would have been a little longer, but i stopped counting after 100.
in summary: what the
f*ckhell are you talking about?@The Champ…..ouch! Sue me, I haven’t been here that long. Be easy, fam…
Those topics do sound quite entertaining though…definitely gotta go back and read those.
@The Champ,
dam lol roasted
@The Champ,
*clapping*
@The Champ,
as my Chi-Town friends would say….
TREATED.
@Stuff Ghetto People Lik
“definitely gotta go back and read those.”
thats all i’m saying. vsb ebbs and flows and sh*t
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
hella true bout tha porn ya neva kno even tha most innocent lookin chicks be watchin it on tha low
As we learned from my Dr. Seuss story last week, sometimes a brother just needs to be quiet, ssshhh. If the girl is signaling with the smoldering eye-sexy, the hair flip and the giggle, you’re in there. Don’t ruin it by saying something really, really stupid.
BTW fellas, you can be in the middle of getting the cupcakes, say something stupid and still get ejected mid-stroke… with the swiftness. Not every girl wants to answer your questions about whose p* it is or if you’re the best she’s ever had.
Oh and if you’re screaming out names, make sure you say the right one, playa. I’ve got a friend right now who got called Indigo (Indigo?!) one time too many.
@OneChele,
“Not every girl wants to answer your questions about whose p* it is or if you’re the best she’s ever had.”
Now…if he’s working it right, these questions are acceptable and encouraged. I kid. *shifty eye*
And Indigo??? Wtf?????
@V.E.G., re: “Indigo”: ninja been watchin’ too much Mo’ Better Blues.
@V.E.G.,
I think a like a man to be near silent. No asking silly questions like “Whose is it?” It’s mine, ninja! It’s part of my body. No name calling. No yelling, roaring, growling, or any otherworldly sounds. Heavy breathing is only acceptable and manliest thing he can do. As for me I may moan a little, but thats about the limit of noise making for me.
@Blue Skyez,
That’s some quiet chex, girl. lol.
@V.E.G., lol. i’m sayin’ to each his/her own and all but o_O
@V.E.G.,
I just think quiet chex is romantic and intense. Extra Noise will be a distraction for me.
@Blue Skyez,
Like complete silence?
Um…IDK…lol
@miss t-lee,
No. Not complete silence. We might as well be dead. Heavy Breathing and Light moaning. There’s no need to be waking neighbors! lol
@ Blue Skyez,
Okay now I understand.
There’s always a need to wake the neighbors…lol
@miss t-lee,
yea tha proof is in the puddin all that scream dont mean nuthin. BUT if you gettin wetter than the pacific wit ya nails diggin in my back eye rollin in tha back of ya head uaint gotta say nuthin “its writin all ova ya face” lol
@Blue Skyez,
I could see this so long as I’m not getting dead panned in a bad way. Like you thinking you want to find your wrap it up box.
@Blue Skyez,
“No asking silly questions like “Whose is it?” It’s mine, ninja! It’s part of my body.”
LMAO!!
@Blue Skyez,
I think a like a man to be near silent. No asking silly questions like “Whose is it?” It’s mine, ninja! It’s part of my body. No name calling. No yelling, roaring, growling, or any otherworldly sounds. Heavy breathing is only acceptable and manliest thing he can do. As for me I may moan a little, but thats about the limit of noise making for me.
lol, damn. it sounds like your sex is lamer than joe buddens. i pity your punany.
@The Champ,
I too pity her puddin. Might as well beat off if I’ma be quiet. What the hell? The faces have got to be off the chain. She is over there having mime cecks. smh
@The Champ,
“lol, damn. it sounds like your sex is lamer than joe buddens. i pity your punany.”
That’s not fair. Why does it have to pitiful? Maybe its just too good for words or noise. LOL
@Blue Skyes,
I’m sorry. but it sounds like the stuff reserved for a non english art gallery indie film. No worries, I’ll be there to help you out & be your more people. I’m clearing my schedule as I type. LOL
@The Champ,
yall crazy prolly chexin with no music in the background huh too huh? ole exabitionalist or howeva u spell it
Hey yall wait wait wait.
Blue Skyez have you ever made the cecksie time w/ someone who went to prison?
the only time when quiet s3x is necessary is when you are doing it in a wildly inappropriate setting… like a church confessional.
@Blue Skyez, I’m not sure about “near silent”, but don’t be tryna have a FULL ON conversation with me, LMAO. I had one guy who would ask me questions throughout the ENTIRE time. Talm bout “Do you miss me?”, “Do you love me?”. Ninja, STFU, SMDH. I’m sorry, I’m a little angry today, he got on my dayum nerves.
@Anger Management,
How you gon’ miss someone when they’re inside you?
FAIL.
@Blue Skyez,
yea das me tha silent assasin but the chicks get loud lolol my neighbors always be grinnin when they see me.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
@WUDAMAN,
worst shi is when the neighbors be grinnin at the chick when they do the walk of shame all quiet and dainty knowin they was screamin they head off a hour ago.
@Blue Skyez, near silent? are you making out or on the Bataan/Obama Death March? You mackin’ Elmer Fudd?
Why you controlling how HE is having chex with chew? Why is he even there? Oh, I’m asking way too many questions, huh? LOL…oops, another question. Sorry. Oops, can’t be too apologetic.
Man, I am glad that I don’t date anymore.
@T. Troy Stewart,
“Bataan Death March”?
hahahhahahha
@Blue Skyez,
Quiet chex unnerves me. Makes me think one of us is not getting it like we like it. You better at least moan and throw in some commentary here and there…I can’t be the only one showing my appreciation. (And if I’m not making any noise, you getting it for the last time)
*keeps the words of Blue Skyez in mind in light of the virgin post last week*
@Blue Skyez,
I don’t think I could handle that. Like, what are we supposed to listen to? The crickets?
**coming from the chick whose neighbors officially HATE her for ‘noise violations**
@OneChele,
these questions are especially out of order when they are gramatically incorrect. and not in a sarcastic and intentionally slangy way. “it’s minezzz, isn’t it?” whispered all earnest and psuedo-seductively will make me call time out and turn the lights on
so i can post about that mess on VSB and reevaluate my life.@OneChele, “As we learned from my Dr. Seuss story last week, sometimes a brother just needs to be quiet, ssshhh.”
YES!
@OneChele,
“As we learned from my Dr. Seuss story last week, sometimes a brother just needs to be quiet, ssshhh.”
YES. Silence is golden. Hell, in most cases, it’s platinum.
@OneChele,
“Not every girl wants to answer your questions about whose p* it is or if you’re the best she’s ever had”
a good technique is to ask forceful riddles. while “who’s your daddy” is cool, nothing will get her juices flowing like “yeah, girl, whats my dog’s name? whats my dog’s name?????”
now she’s more aroused by the fact that you’re slightly crazy, but you love animals. a win-win for all involved
@The Champ,
*take that, take that* lol
@The Champ,
*snickering*
no.
@OneChele, BTW fellas, you can be in the middle of getting the cupcakes, say something stupid and still get ejected mid-stroke… with the swiftness.
this is a totally unrelated related note. but there is lore from those who went to school with me in college that this cat from DC basically dumped his chick midstroke. LOL. dude was hitting and before he finished was like, “yo, i’m done with this relatioship. i’m out.”
you just don’t come back from that one.
@Panama Jackson, That might be Top Ten in the worst Break Up Scenarios EVER!
“When did you break up?”
“July 28th, 2002 @ 2:12 am between stroke 171 and 172″
@Panama Jackson,
Do you know my husband? This is the exact type of 0.0056% story he tells. Details please!!! What on earth could she have said/ done/moaned out/oozed/shook/broke/smelled/ ??? to make that happen? Was that before or after she shanked him.. aw, never mind…. this is probably all we’re getting anyway….
I was in a zen like calm, anticipating all that the REM cycle has to offer, when this ruined it: “updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”. THIS of all the things you mentioned annoys me the worst. I’m more likely to not share than on FB, even when I feel like I found him. Por ejemplo, I took a FB quiz on which black actor I’d end up with, I end up with Idris Elba (surprise), but did I put “i told yall haters” on my status? No. On a serious tip though, those statuses annoy me to no end, thirsting for e-validation is not cahyoote.
Re: the steak-um bit, I’m going to to look into the Corner policy and see if I could send you there.
@overitlovesmondays,
” i just want to call and have her internet disconnected so i can save her from herself.
um…people are starting to facebook statuses way too seriously. where is the shame? i have this one “friend” that is consistently updating about her 2 baby’s daddies and the sad state of her life. talkin about, “i wish these men would be fathers to these babies!”……”i’m glad my friends have found their way in life—hopefully one day i will find a use for myself.” then cut to: “today is going to be a beautiful day!!!!
@charli skipper,
The status game has become a full on beetch session, for women and men alike.
I see so many statii that say something to the effect of “FB isn’t E-Harmony!”, but that same person is sitting complaining about love on FB 24-7. And I don’t see a lil phone icon next to the updates. So her fat arse is sitting at home putting this sheet up every 5 minutes. Cry for help? Maybe. Annoying as sheet? Very.
Stop ordering pizza off papajohns.com and actually GO to the store, tubb-o. You may like the cashier waiting on you. That’s all you deserve you unambitious lazy betch.
@Dante_Alexander,
Why she gotta be fat? lmao.
@V.E.G.,
Cuz, in this case, I actually know the woman, and she is, all things considered, fat as fook.
Personally, I think she needs to decide to acknowledge that she likes chicks, cuz she’ll only get a dude if she becomes a mail order bride. Bad everything, with the worst feature being the attitude. She came to our high school reunion acting even MORE stank than I remember her in High School, and we were NICE to her in High School…
@Dante_Alexander,
next time, tell us how you REALLY feel. HA!
@BlackBerry Molasses,
I’ve only met like two abrasive portly chicks in my life, and they were bad as hell, THEN got beefy, and therefore never learned to have personality.
however THIS chick has always thought her sheet don’t stank. So one status says “I am SO great blah blah blah” then 5 minutes later its “Uggggggggh! I HATE men cuz they always lose my number! They are SOOOO irresponsible! it’s like my head game makes them forgetful!” Stupid.
Thus ends my free publicity for that one. On to better things…
How bout this weather we’re having!
@Dante_Alexander,
Glad to know this was someone you know personally…lol
@Dante_Alexander,
Stop ordering pizza off papajohns.com and actually GO to the store, tubb-o. You may like the cashier waiting on you. That’s all you deserve you unambitious lazy betch.
this is the funniest thing ive read all month. well, maybe not all month, but its the funniest thing ive read since breakfast
@charli skipper,
I couldn’t agree with you more about the FB status thang. Some people just have no shame. There’s this one acquaintance of mine and I know her entire sex life just from her FB statuses alone. I guess she doesn’t care because everyone already knows she’s a jumpoff but still… so unnecessary.
@overitlovesmondays, change yo’ vsb status gurl! it’s tuesday!!!
you know i lurve you.
@SouthernGirl,
I wonder if she still loves Mondays, even though it’s Tuesday. It’s possible. Maybe she’s reminiscing. lol
I’m so happy I haven’t given in and joined the Facebook cult (no page of any kind at this time). Facebook, supposedly so grown and sexy and exclusive and upper crust…yet there’s probably more f*ckery than Blackplanet on there from what I’ve heard.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Trust me, I’m glad I haven’t either…lol
@miss t-lee, I regret that I ever got involved with FB. My kind of posting doesn’t go well over there. Twitter’s getting the same way…
@T. Troy Stewart, Twitter, where some third rate celebrity can amass 10,000 + followers and only acknowledge the other third rate celebrities. Idiots.
@T. Troy Stewart,
Yeah…you don’t wanna get banned again…lol
@T. Troy Stewart,
I rant and rave on the Twit-box about random sheet that I can’t post on my FB page because people I work with can see it. I’ve blocked any and all people I work with from seeing my Twitter page.
Yesterday, I went on a rant about #thingsIHate. Sadly, it did not become a trnding topic, but I DID post some gems like: “#thingsIHate: graduating college & still acting like ur 16. Unless ur a fox, in which case I’ll take that 23 year old body and 16 year old mind”
However, I see the disdain some of you have for it, and completely understand. I still hate POGs and Pokemon.
@miss t-lee, good point LOL
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
laaaaaaawd!
the entranceway to foolishness and f^ckery once black folk got the internetblack planet is.
@SouthernGirl,
obviously me and the edit button had it out. and i lost. lol.
@overitlovesmondays,
“I was in a zen like calm, anticipating all that the REM cycle has to offer”
The REM cycle is my favorite part of sleep.
@overitlovesmondays,
Re: the steak-um bit, I’m going to to look into the Corner policy and see if I could send you there.
corner deez
@The Champ,
She’ll pass.
@overitlovesmondays, my status message (when i was updating it) usually consisted of BBQ, two monkeys, and a few fiber optic cables.
not always in that order…but it always brought the girls to the yard.
I need an apology from whomever chose the pictures for this post. *waiting*
@Wise Diva,
You and me both.
@Wise Diva, lol. Same here….
@Wise Diva,
Especially the first one. That was slightly not safe for work and luckily it was early in the morning when everyone is either doing the morning chit-chat or brain-dead. I had to scroll down with the quickness. lol
@Wise Diva, i support that motion…. particularly of that imbecile bent over in the blue shorts… nx!
@Wise Diva,
wait deez
@Wise Diva, we’re sorry you’re not cool like we are. and that you don’t have swagger like us. and that your milkshake doesn’t bring the boys to the yard. and that high days are better than sober ones. and that basically, we’re too sexxy for our shirts. so sexxy it hurts.
“offering to pay her phone bill, updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”, and taking her to the grave of your beloved great-grandmother to pray for her blessing….after your first date”
This and the picture had me cracking up.
Other ones that I would add:
Getting too excited – I’ve seen guys just get too excited and want me to meet their whole family and making a lot of future plans and it’s just the first date.
Talking too much – Good conversation is a plus, but if it’s a one-way conversation and the other person is barely staying awake isn’t.
@Leila,
goes both ways i kno some motor mouth chicks that jus talk for decades makes me wish i hada stunt double
@BLUNTBLAZER, that cracked me up.
@Panama Jackson,
shii thinkin bout it stunt doubles would come in handy like a muggg
@BLUNTBLAZER,
*dying*
@Leila,
I have a friend that did this… her and her new man have been together from 30 days!… 30 DAYS! I know this b/c they posted it, just yesterday. And from all the status messages talking about love and marriage and such you’d think they’ve been together for at least a year.
@MilkandCookies,
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE FRIENDS WITH?!?!
these cannot be normal people. just no. iRefuse to believe humanity is that full of stupid.
@BlackBerry Molasses, It exists lol. I see it all of the time.
@BlackBerry Molasses,
“iRefuse to believe humanity is that full of stupid.”
George Dubya Bush’s second term is enough proof of that.
…
Too soon?
@Cheekie,
That’s a moot point, Cheekster. Errybody knows Georgie boy didn’t run shyt. Cheney did.
They just knew no one was going to vote for Emperor Palpatine’s real life doppleganger.
@Cheekie,
“That’s a moot point, Cheekster. Errybody knows Georgie boy didn’t run shyt. Cheney did. ”
They were a packaged deal, though. You didn’t get Dubya without Cheney. Yeah, no one pays attention to the VP, but um, they should…lmfao.
@BlackBerry Molasses, hell, Mos Def married his stripper girlfriend 4 days after meeting her…
…and he’s the “conscious” rapper cat who’s supposedly so intelligent and a thinker.
bet his status message said, “i’m in love with a stripper. no really, i am. brooklyn.”
I will add apologizing too much.
Once I went on a date with a brotha who apologized for everything- the service at the restaurant, the traffic while we were driving, the dog that was barking too much in the park, the damn air I inhaled. (I exaggerate a tad, but he said sorry one too many times).
At first it was sweet, but then it was downright annoying. SMH, poor fella.
@blackpearl287,
As I read more and more of what dudes have done to you all in the past, the more I’m realizing I’m almost the biggest a-sholey in the continental U.S., without being Billy Idol. Who the hell takes responsibility for the restaurant?
And be truthful, Pearl… you did that chick thing where you just HAD to get some sheet that wasn’t on the menu, didn’t you? DIDN’T you?!?
@Dante_Alexander,
Not even! lol. He told me they had the best “whatever it was I ordered” there. So I thought to myself (in song: what a wonderful world…nah) I am up for trying new things. Well lo and behold it wasn’t on the menu. I took it in stride, kept it moving, and ordered something new. He damn near cried; I suppose he thought the date was ruined because we couldn’t have “whatever it was he wanted me to order”. All I kept thinkin was “Ninja it’s just some special chicken…is wha de rass.” Hahaha, I chuckle, poor fella!
@blackpearl287,
LMAOOOO!!! I have a co-worker like this. Every third word out of his mouth is “sorry”. He is ALWAYS apologizing for nothing. One day I think he ‘ll apologize because he apologizes so much and acutally say something like “Im sorry that I’m sorry” LOL.
@blackpearl287,
Once I went on a date with a brotha who apologized for everything- the service at the restaurant, the traffic while we were driving, the dog that was barking too much in the park, the damn air I inhaled. (I exaggerate a tad, but he said sorry one too many times).
this is one of those things that screams “i work and/or live around ultra liberal white people, and its rubbing off”. i’m saying that because the white people in my neighborhood probably say “im sorry” at least once every five minutes. its like an orgy of apology
@The Champ,
“its like an orgy of apology”
You are an amazing writer. Not only does this phrase to describe the 2520′s in your neighborhood, but also your sex life! Was that intentional?
@8th Wonder,
zing!
@8th Wonder,
WOWIE!
Snark overload courtesy of my eTriplet (Twin when T-lee ain’t around)
Champ, there is NO COMING BACK from this one.
@8th Wonder,
You are an amazing writer. Not only does this phrase to describe the 2520’s in your neighborhood, but also your sex life! Was that intentional?
two words: spell check
@The Champ,
Do you need new glasses?
first of all, that picture of the p-popping guy makes my soul die.
and last but not least, i have to cosign the “sleeper” issue. um….i’ve seen it firsthand. and almost freaked the hell out. it was like i saw bigfoot with my own eyes. i had to go to the bathroom and text all my friends for advice. i actually got mad at the guy. how the hell (!?) do you invite me over here and let me catch a da*n glipmse of THAT!? and–on that note–what the hell is that!? ugh. this was a year ago and i’m still disgusted. and to top it off, this dude turned out to be a jerk later on down the line. my friends still call him….nevermind. we won’t talk about we call him.
and let me just add that i’m not one of those women who is all concerned with size. it’s not about that. it’s just that…sleepers put women in a very awkward position…
@charli skipper,
“first of all, that picture of the p-popping guy makes my soul die.”
Mine too.
I’m just glad he didn’t use that other one.
@charli skipper,
“first of all, that picture of the p-popping guy makes my soul die.”
Can you actually believe that guy is part of recently defunct hypersexual R-n-B boy group called ummm….damn what was their name again? It’s right on the tip of my tongue…anyway his name was Spectacular and he was a “rapper” in the group.
Oh Yeah They were called Pretty Ricky.
@charli skipper,
it’s just that…sleepers put women in a very awkward position…
how so? i mean, if you’re aware of the metamorphosis and sh*t, where does the awkwardness come from?
@The Champ,
I wasn’t really aware of the metamorphosis…..maybe i’m part of that 15%. lol….but it’s awkward because if the guy just leaves it sitting there, it’s like a test. you get freaked out but you can’t just suddenly scream out, “oh dear lawd!” like you want to because that would hurt his feelings.
@charli skipper,
wuz wrong with the sleeper lol dont wake him up or its time ta handle bizz.
oh, and as for the topic at hand… um….this is related to the being too nice and the moving too soon points, but it is a major turnoff when a guy is insincere and tries to make himself seem like your super-sensitive everything. like writing love notes and using nicknames like, “my black queen” and other noncute stuff like that. one new guy introduced me to his boss as “the future mrs. __________.” i’m not sure if i hated it because it was not genuine or because it was crazy as h*ll but either way, the padlock came out immediately.
@charli skipper,
LOL this reminds me of a I guy I used to go out with. He actually called me one day to tell me “Tell your daddy thankyou” Me: “For what? why?” He: “Tell him I said thank you for making you.” Overly Cheesy Insincerity = Sahara Desert and Number Lost.
@charli skipper, i call every woman “my black queen”
just yesterday i said to my white middle aged boss, “my black queen, i’ll have those TPS reports for you later on today”
she was confused.
its a sickness. i listened to too much india.arie in my former life. and had a pair of crocheted pants and proposed to deaf women in windows while writing songs about buddies and friends all the time.
i’m deep. sue me.
@Panama Jackson,
Ah yes!
Come Close reference
It has pleased me.
Proceed.
Texting all the time instead of calling. Women like the intimacy of a call, the on-your-toes tempo.
Not knowing how to smack that ass properly.
Knowing how long to gaze, that awkward staring can spoil the mood or make your potential prey uncomfortable.
@The Hallway,
“prey” lol planning on going wild kingdom? Just go into monkey *beep* like Katt Williams. Me myself prefer the Lion strategy.
@Double J,
“Me myself prefer the Lion strategy.”
Ya know…the Lioness is one bad bish. Yet quite foolish. I’ll be darned if I spend all day hunting, in the heat, and that mo fo gets to eat before me and the kids. lol.
@V.E.G.,
Leo’s
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Virgos.
@pgh muse,
You spelled “Leos” wrong!
@The Hallway,
I approve of this message. Nothing says, “I don’t give a sh*t about u” like a text. A pansy smack on the azz WILL cause me to show you how it’s really done (on yo face), and staring = crazy.
@Lil’T,
I’ve missed you.
@8th Wonder,
me too. Where ya been T?
@The Hallway,
“Texting all the time instead of calling. Women like the intimacy of a call, the on-your-toes tempo.”
This needs to be said thrice. I get it, ninjas don’t like yapping on the phone, but when it gets to the point where we’re writing novels via text, it’s ridiculous. Everything can’t be discussed with text.
@The Hallway,
Not knowing how to smack that ass properly.
this is true. it takes many years to perfect the timing and intensity of an ass smack.
this is why little boys run around the playground ass smacking indiscriminately. they’re not playing…they’re practicing.
@The Champ,
“this is why little boys run around the playground ass smacking indiscriminately. they’re not playing…they’re practicing.”
So that’s what my son was doing???? Sheeeeiiiiiitttt…I better check him on that nonsense.
@luvtheshoes,
What will you check him on?
Because with the ass smack you must follow through.
You cannot punk out in mid swing. You must have courage, there is nothing that says “I’m Here” and no one else past or present matters like a well-cultured azz smack. This is why we need fathers in the black community.
I will be conducting an Ass Smacking Workshop on the Southside of Chicago, in the upcoming weeks. Email me for more info.
@The Hallway, hahahaha…
This is funny. There are many lil’ boys in 3rd grade getting their a$$es handed to them by little girls for pulling this ish. Ya’ll know that in the 3rd grade like 1/3 of the girls in the class are bigger than the boys.
@The Hallway,
I’ll be checking him on the fact that school is not the place to be practicing azz smacking. Matter of fact, ain’t nowhere his 13 year old self needs to be practicing azz smacking.
@The Champ,
dam it all makes sense now thas why we used ta back in tha days we was jus perfectin the art
@The Champ,
Yes, this is true like some sort of technique concerned-game. I prefer the unexpected hard azz smack+a firm grab+to be concluded with a resonance of a slight jiggle(which is determined by the density of the azz, thus providing an diminishing oscillation).
This smack varies with all sizes, adjust appropriately.
I believe that’s some S.U.N.K. Sh!t U Need to Know.
@The Hallway, but wait…if you don’t text, you can’t send an LOL…Smiley Face.
and we all know what they say about the smiley face…
@Panama Jackson,
Please educate me, what do they say about the smiley face?
@The Hallway,
*ahem*
“B*tches LOVE the Smiley Face* -Ed Wuncler the III
@BlackBerry Molasses,
Well Blackberry Molasses my function(fn) key has not worked in months.
What can I do to make up for my lack of symbols?
ummm… ASL smiley face?
@The Hallway,
Bit*ches love smiley faces.
@Panama Jackson,
‘what do they say about the smiley face?’
yeah…what DO they say? o_O
@Smiley Face,
LOL!
“Spectacular” needs to come on out of the closet… that picture is my validation.
1. Faulty Hygiene: Yuckmouth breath/teeth…. unremoved eye crust, filthy socks, etc.
2. Extreme geekiness or corniness: Now I enjoy a geek/cornball to a certain degree, but the extremity will get you axed. If the vibe is not there, even if we are standing beneath the sunset, do not utter the phrase, “Kiss Me.” It’s so unmasculine…
3. No rhythm: If you can’t dance, tell me you can’t and leave it at that. Don’t even try. lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
Does that include a mean arse two-step?
What about if I can Errol Flynn, and nothing else?
These are things one MUST know.
@Dante_Alexander, Naw the two step is cool..
I’m talmbout a man who full on cannot dance and tries to anyway… like the guy on ‘THE BEST MAN’ lol
@Dante_Alexander,
ninjas dont dance no more all they do is this *throws hands in tha air*
@BLUNTBLAZER,
They throw out their crotch, too.
@Nicki Sunshine,
Co-sign alllll of this.
And number 3 makes me visualize a brotha doing the white-man’s overbite. lol
@Cheekie,
fine then ima bust out the runnin man, cabbage patch and the whop on you ash say i cant dance shiii i learn how to dance watchin soul train growin up
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Ok, you done brought out another visual. Now, I see BluntBlazer taking what he has learned from Soul Train and showing up to the club wearing a bellbottom onesie and pointing like he’s ah-ah-ah-ah staying alive, staying alive.
@Cheekie,
i.can’t.breathe
LMAO
@Cheekie,
like dude from the 5 heart beats “look i been practicin” lol
@Cheekie, “And number 3 makes me visualize a brotha doing the white-man’s overbite. lol”
LMAO!!!!! The visual here???? Girl, I am to through with you. But is the truth.
Not the steak-umms!!!! LOL
I’m aware of shrinkage, as I’m an avid Seinfeld fan.
#4 is true. I once dismissed this kat because on the first date he took me over to his brother’s house to meet the family. Now it wasn’t the entire family just his brother and his wife, and their kids. I will still perplexed though.
Dayum…we had only went to happy hour.
@miss t-lee,
Hold on…need clarification. You met your date’s wife and kids…or your dates’s brother’s wife and kids? Either way…it’s el terrible’.
@K to the…,
I met his brother, his brother’s wife +kids.
Madd awkward and tres terrible.
Nothing I hated more than name dropping or what I call the “I gots”…annoyed the hell out of me:
Dude..I don’t care that you drive a bmw or live in Old Town…all that tells me is that you have more bills and owe more folk than I do.
Don’t care what school you went to…especially since you don’t know the difference between to, too and two!
I am not impressed…do something different.
Oh and please, please, please, if you’re not sure that 12 squirts of cologne is enough stop at 2…I would like to breathe at some point on this date.
…and smile… please…I’m not interested in ‘your gangsta” at the moment.
@Smiley Face,
Definitely: the “I gots” dries up the panties rather quickly.
@Smiley Face,
I have to say, I agree, but you KNOW the groupie betches love this sheet…
Remember the “Things to do to make yourself sound more important” joint… This goes there. The “I Gots” gets lame dudes draws. Really. And I hate it, because I drive a Buick. I love my car, but it gets not the draws. So I actually have to converse and slowly remove said draws with intellectual wit that does not alienate my target audience.
However, Romello tosses his keys on the table ala Affleck in “Boiler Room”, and all the suppliers of Groupiesexposed.com’s photo material are swooning like Chickens at a Rock-A-Doodle concert.
Trickin dudes have messed things up for the normal dude, and groupie betches have salted the game of the normal lady.
@Dante_Alexander,
“They say money can’t buy you happiness? Check out the grin on my face. Ear to ear, baby!” Just added doing that to my bucket list.
@Dante_Alexander,
I loved Boiler Room.
I worked in a call center at the time and we all used to quote that movie…lol
@miss t-lee,
As did I… “I need some kizzy fo mah nizzy… pass the table, bee-otch!”
@Dante_Alexander,
I just laughed at them having Vin Diesel playing an Italian kat.
@miss t-lee,
“I just laughed at them having Vin Diesel playing an Italian kat.”
I just laughed at them having Vin Diesel…act.
@miss t-lee, h3ll on boiler room (which love btw), i mad at the rock a doodle reference. lol
@SouthernGirl,
If there ever was a cartoon movie that was both a microcosm AND a 90-minute euphemism, it was THAT one.
@SouthernGirl,
Aw, snap..Rock-a-Doodle?
No, you did NOT Dante. You didn’t!
*dying*
@Dante_Alexander,
‘I have to say, I agree, but you KNOW the groupie betches love this sheet…’
guess that’s why I’m not a groupie, lol
‘So I actually have to converse and slowly remove said draws with intellectual wit that does not alienate my target audience.’
…you say that like it’s a bad thing, lol. If you can use antidisestablishmentarianism correctly in the scope of conversation with that confident swagger in your voice, I will gladly package the panties, wrap them up all nice and tidy in a big red bow and hand deliver them to you with a home cooked meal and a massage on the side.
@Smiley Face,
Most women aren’t. but the few that are… ruin it for the rest of em. Same goes with trickin dudes.
It’s not a bad thing. At all. I enjoy being clever and saying things that are both letcherous and disarmingly charming at the same time.
Massages actually make me cringe, unless it’s on the actual back. There’s something thee fook wrong with my trapezius.
@Dante_Alexander,
one bad apple…*sigh* we’re *here*
*side eye*…and where have YOU been getting massages?
@Smiley Face,
From skeletor fingered psycho hose-beasts, apparently.
@Dante_Alexander,
*dead*
@Dante_Alexander,
tsk tsk tsk…poor thing
@Dante_Alexander,
beware of the suckubus beware
@Smiley Face, …you say that like it’s a bad thing, lol. If you can use antidisestablishmentarianism correctly in the scope of conversation with that confident swagger in your voice, I will gladly package the panties,
i don’t even like my chicks to know that’s a word. i want them to say, “what??? that’s a big word, what does that meanzes?”
me: it means love in swahili, girl. now order me some BBQ and let’s get bizzy.
it works 27 percent of the time.
@Dante_Alexander,
ninjas whautalmbout my buick has amazing pull wha kinda buick u got?
@BLUNTBLAZER,
I was influenced to buy a Buick Lucerne by watching Lil Scrappy on “Cribs”. Seriously. Like I said, it was a good look for me (the car is awesome), but a bad look for him… Lil Scrappy drives the same car as the dude making considerably less than the rented bling. That’s what he gets for wearing Filas.
@Dante_Alexander, eh. Buicks are nice cars. Roomy.
@pgh muse,
mines has bench seats for easy road head ya digg
@Dante_Alexander,
those are nice if you got the v8 version dayum those is clean like a mugg wha color black?
@Smiley Face,
“Nothing I hated more than name dropping or what I call the “I gots”…annoyed the hell out of me:”
*nods enthusiastically*
You are trying too hard, hombre. Which eliminates any possibility that you are actually that cool and important. Being braggadocious is not cute. I’ll judge for myself anyway.
@Smiley Face,
…and smile… please…I’m not interested in ‘your gangsta” at the moment.
Maybe he has bad teeth.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
reason number 2 for him to smile! lol
I used to find this absolutely maddening. I’m supposed to nice but not too nice. Be a gentleman but respect her independence. Be caring but not a simp. Show interest but not be thirsty. This is all very very subjective to the giver and the recipient.
@Stank-0,
I don’t see what’s so complex about any of that.
@Stank-0, I’m sayin’, that’s why I call these “Men on the hot seat” topics. We have all these rules and fine lines to be mindful of, but what about the ladies? Do they basically get to simply show up and do and say whatever the f*ck they want?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
key word..’lady’. once you decipher a lady from a jumpoff these guidelines get easier, lol
@Smiley Face, the question remains (c) Gang Starr, is there anything a female has to concern herself with in order to not turn off or kill it with the guy on a date? Or can she really just do whatever she wants as the pressure is supposedly all on the dude?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
As a lurker on here and someone who was unemployed for a month, I went back into the archives of vsb a while ago and came across a few posts that put women on the chopping block for their batsh*t tendencies. If I wasn’t at work, I’d try to find em again. Maybe lata. I think the Brothas do a pretty good balancing act.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
But of course shugah, there are guidelines, but this post is directed to men….and I do believe Peej did a post just last month, to start, about 6 ways to impress a man….
Why you so angry boo? lol
@Smiley Face, not angry, just curious…
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“is there anything a female has to concern herself with in order to not turn off or kill it with the guy on a date?”
Not really. Not usually, no.*
” Or can she really just do whatever she wants as the pressure is supposedly all on the dude?”
As long as she doesn’t break out the EXTREME crazy, yes.
*On multiple occasions, I have taken a stab at covert date sabotage operations.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, Do they basically get to simply show up and do and say whatever the f*ck they want?
hell naw. if they don’t show up with kneepads and a triple A card so we get a discount on the hotel room, they walking home
word.life.
@Panama Jackson,
you are in RARE form today.
@Panama Jackson,
Oddly enough
this makes me eheart you even more Panama Jackson.
You had me at hello.:-P
@AngelicNastyness, lol i do what i can.
@Stank-0, I believe this falls in the category of “thinking too much” which will also, possibly, dry up the birth canal if this leads to a rant of some sort.
Or am I just thinking or talking too much?
*bites nails*
I almost fumbled away some strange once. she asked me what I was into and I think she interpreted me saying I liked to lightly restrain a chick with me being about to tie her up and whip her a$$ Joe-Jackson style.
“Get the switch, Michael!”
Fortunately, she stayed. So I tied her up and whipped her a$$ and she loved it.
@Brandon St. Randy,
I must agree that women should be more specific when asking what a man is into. Lest I get the velvet rope…
Bond.
@BlkBond, yeah, they want you to get the velvet rope and hang yourself so they have an excuse. Hence the vagueness when they ask you things.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Jokes are not your forte. Stick to sugar water = SGPL.
Bond.
@BlkBond, yeah, doesn’t look like it’s my day today here…I’m kinda in a different mode and getting taken all kinds of wrong as a result.
@Brandon St. Randy,
Shibari?
@Smiley Face, Hakunah Matata? Huh?
@Brandon St. Randy,
japanese rope bondage of the erotic variety *smile*
@Brandon St. Randy,
best thang is findin a chick that loves ta give dome. double edged sword but once she tungkisses ya fun stick you forget all about it
@BLUNTBLAZER,
and yet you don’t reciprocate. you are officially no longer allowed to talk about the merits of women who will happily slob your knob.
@BlackBerry Molasses,
Exactly. *side-eye*
I hate to do this do you BluntBlazer, especially since I haven’t hit anyone in a while, but a hearty *throat punch* to you my friend.
@miss t-lee,
*dying* @ a “hearty” throat punch.
And co-signing as well. SMH…
@BlackBerry Molasses,
naw its “tung kiss tha fun stick” and yea i invented that an its copywrited so dont bite it
@BLUNTBLAZER,
i need to know where u find these foolish broads that are allowing you to dickem down without playing you lickinemdown. They need to be slapped.
YEAH, I SAID IT.
1.I think being nice in general may dry the carnal canal or place you (gasp) in the friendzone, or ‘husband’ material. So thus you will be subject to various guys who get it before you (torture) until she believes she has broken your spirit enough that you will lose you Alpha male status…thus ready for marriage (laughs).
3. The inner metro thing is killing me. you can’t even use the word ‘gentleman’ without someone bringing up Ne-Yo (WTF?!??!!!).
Bond.
@BlkBond,
1.I think being nice in general may dry the carnal canal or place you (gasp) in the friendzone, or ‘husband’ material. So thus you will be subject to various guys who get it before you (torture) until she believes she has broken your spirit enough that you will lose you Alpha male status…thus ready for marriage (laughs).
damn. the “husband material” throw away compliment is almost as bad as the “you’re really, really nice” terrible insult.
@The Champ and BlkBond
oh for real? it’s like that? lol
@Smiley Face,
Um…yes, it is like that (lol).
Bond
@The Champ, you know, i actually witnessed this summer a dude who a gang of chicks felt was total husband material…and all the chicks were swooning over this cat. not in the, “oh you’ll be great in 10 years after i have monkey-mang0-balls-to-the-wall-with-rubber-gloves-and-pbj-chex with two former NFLers on a webcam being held by a midget with no legs.”
@Panama Jackson,
But did he use said moniker to his advantage, in only the most joey Tribbiani of ways?
It’s funny how “Doesn’t live with parents” and “Works… steadily” have become the deadly “Husband material”…
It’s ok to be nice but not TOO nice. Too nice is when you buy her a bazillion [expensive] gifts, pay for her to go out with her friends (you not included), act as her personal chaffeur…etc without her asking and without getting anything in return. There is a such thing as being not nice enough too.
Oh && I’m glad you brought up the skinny jeans. I think they are fly but not on my guy (lol). That being said I can’t stand sagging pants either but do leave some room to breathe.
@Anonymiss,
‘I’m glad you brought up the skinny jeans’
I just want to shake these dudes!!! Can’t wait til they get to age 50 or something and look back and these pictures LMAO!!
@Smiley Face,
4real growin up you would get clowned so bad for nuthuggers
I co-sign all Champs joints and a few others, like talking too much, excessive braggadocio,(“don’t brag about the sh*t that you ain’t got” Salt~n~Pepa, MY Mic Sound Nice) and if even if you do got it, theres no need to talk about it = overscompensaion, which indicates some sort of inadequecy somewhere.
I’d like to add shallowness, excessive arrogance, stupidity, too aggressive off the rip, overly excited and pressed for a$$..basically the whole Salt~n~Pepa’s TRAMP…….don’t be one!!!
@OrangeStar616,
Let’s add excessive knowledge of Salt-N-Pepa lyrics.
I joke, I kid. But I’m serious.
@Dante_Alexander, Who doesn’t know those simple but catchy lyrics???maybe youngins and elderly people LOL
@OrangeStar616,
its rare to see someone quote S&P
@BLUNTBLAZER, CLassic material, I swear I always say the youngins need to “get a lesson in hip hop detection” (Del the funky homosapien), not saying that to anyone here specifically but really just to have a true knowledge of the genre, one must start at the beginning. One of the benefits of growing up with the genre LOL
@V.E.G.,
Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy many more.
@Ms PI,
welcome and sh*t
@Ms PI,
Thank you!
@Ms PI, now is this PI as Magnum P.I. or Pi as in 3.14159265etc. or PI like pimpin international.
i’m curious.
and welcome.
There’s so many ways for men to go wrong, apparently.
@Scipio Africanus,
yup. this is why you should just stay in the house.
@The Champ,
Cole…you stupid…o_O *sniggles*
ROFL @ Steak-umms being the food equivalent of flaccid-ness.
And WORD to the booty popping and anything in that range not being the business at all. A man booty popping is the scientific causation of the drought. *shudder*
Other ways to ruin it:
1. Chewing with your mouth open. It leaves a bad taste in MY mouth.
2. Having the ever-present Bluetooth headpiece when you know dayum well that’s just a prop. You ain’t important.
- 2a. Playing on your iPhone/Blackberry/iBrainwasher when you ‘sposed to be paying attention to moi.
3. Being too touchy feely when I didn’t get ya the “in” to be.
4. Not doing gentlemanly things like you ain’t go no home-training.
Sigh…I’m tired and it’s all Twitter’s (and #uknowufromchicago) fault. Ah well, I’m going to Berry Chill with the
2520sco-workers today! Something to look forward to!@Cheekie,
4. Not doing gentlemanly things like you ain’t go no home-training.
expound and sh*t
@The Champ,
Just the standard common sense stuff like opening the door (I know, I know, some fems don’t like this…I respect that, but at least offer!), etc. Letting the door slam in my face is a NO-NO.
I’m not saying put your coat in the puddle or nothing for me to walk across. Although, that would surprise and impress me. It’ll be kinda like a cartoon…because cartoons are the only ones that do that. It’s not real life. lol
@Cheekie,
Because his too small jacket doesn’t fit across the 1′ x 1′ puddle/gutter.
Stop dating smedium wearing arseholes with their collars popped.
Or just cross at the crosswalk. Sue the City if you fall. Duh.
@Dante_Alexander,
“Stop dating smedium wearing arseholes with their collars popped.”
*snort*
I hope this is a general demand and not to me because…*bursts into laughter*.
Mofos like the above mentioned don’t get n’an FIRST glance from me, sweetie.
@Cheekie,
2a) my biggest pet peeve if you ona date wit me stay off tha phone i will exit stage right so quick all you will see in my tires smokin up the parkin lot
@Cheekie, “Having the ever-present Bluetooth headpiece when you know dayum well that’s just a prop. You ain’t important”
Me and one of my girls have nicknamed that the “important people’s headset.” Its’ so geeky.
@Nicki Sunshine,
LOL. Nice.
@Nicki Sunshine,
That takes too long, and we here in America like to abbreviate things.
The proper name for it is “Douchebag”.
2520s have a great, shortened name for EVERYTHING.
@Dante_Alexander,
“The proper name for it is “Douchebag”.
2520s have a great, shortened name for EVERYTHING.”
Except they pronounce it different than us.
2520 way: Doosh-bag.
Black folk way: Dush-bag
@Cheekie,
That’s what 3 40′s of Colt 45 will do to you.
@Dante_Alexander,
lol
hmm….i don’t think i’ve ever had a guy ruin it pre-chex. i usually get hit with the post gotd@mn nonsense. or ninjas who weren’t not never gonna get it in the first place acting like we’re about to go for round two.
@SouthernGirl,
lucky you and sh*t
@SouthernGirl,
yea afterwards ninjas do say some funny/stupid shi lolol
These pics are hilarious.
I have to disagree with number one. Be nice to me. Unconditionally nice. Too nice, if that’s what it’s considered. What exactly is too nice, anyway? Showing any a$$hole tendencies make these panties dry up faster than the Sahara – not being nice. WTF?!? I think people get #1 and #4 confused. You can be nice without being craaazy – sheeeit. You can show me that you like me without acting like we’re about to walk down the isle after the first date. It’s rough out there in the dating pool. Nothing wrong with showing someone that you like them – that might get u a second date. #4 is just doing waay too much. IMO.
- oh… Dudes that need to stunt… CORNY. Be yourself.
@pgh muse,
What exactly is too nice, anyway?
being a yes-man, an apologist, and a push-over all qualify. basically, when you’re more focused on her not disliking you than actually giving her a reason to like you
@The Champ, ahhhh…
I understand. and agree.
i dont even clear up my schedule for women, but I tell them I did just to make them feel good.
@undressingHER,
0_O
@V.E.G.,
co-signing the o_O
@undressingHER,
LMAO…I know I dont either for men…
hello hello, i’m back did you miss me? spent a fortnight in NY, D.C. and Philly, it was lovely – thank you america!
*now back to our original programming*
my pet peeve is a specialty of Southern African sugar daddies… if they want your number, they silently slide the phone across the table over to you (or just hand it over to you) for you to input your number.
they don’t say a damn thing!! just give you their phone – and you’re supposed to eagerly enter your details!!! nx! hate this!!! i have to restrain myself from flinging it out the nearest window…generally, i slide/hand it right back with a sneer of disgust.
and WHERE did you get that photograph of that ridiculous man?!?!?! he’s not serious.
@superwoman,
hello hello, i’m back did you miss me?
you were gone?
@The Champ, ha ha ha ha, you’re awful!! i just KNOW you missed me, i can FEEL it!
@superwoman,
“they want your number, they silently slide the phone across the table over to you (or just hand it over to you) for you to input your number.”
This could be, like, totally hot if the right guy did it.
Otherwise, I’d just figure he was giving me a free phone.
@V.E.G.,
I’ve actually had this done to me before. He gave me his phone while flashing me a sexy smile and I just blinked at him. Then he started laughing talking bout, “That’s right, make me WORK for the number!”
I guess I passed the thirsty broad test, lmao!
@V.E.G., lol.
Well lately, it seems the main thing men are doing to make me keep the wonder woman boyshorts on is LYING. The way I see it, when you first meet someone, you have nothing to lose, so why are you lying? It always baffles me.
Other things include:
- Spontaneously rapping while we’re on a first date. Wtf are you doing?
- Just lack of intelligence in general (Everyone remembers the story of how I told a dude I was eclectic and his response was, “oh, so you light sh*t up, huh?”)
- Having a sense of entitlement. Men don’t like when women walk around acting like you owe them ish and guess what…women don’t like when men do it either. There is a fine line between cocky and confident…figure it OUT.
@8th Wonder,
Say it!!!!! @ point #3.
@8th Wonder,
Just lack of intelligence in general (Everyone remembers the story of how I told a dude I was eclectic and his response was, “oh, so you light sh*t up, huh?”)
*sigh*
More evidence humanity is full of stupid. Lord… WHY??!?!?
@BlackBerry Molasses,
I’m starting to think that smart people are tantamount to pretty people. They are freaks of nature. few and far inbetween, the stuff of lore.
knoImean?
@WuDaMan,
I told a woman recently I was living in poverty, and she said “Where that’s at?”
It was both a turn on and a turn off all at once.
Off because she was too pretty to be true, her tragic flaw was being dumber than using that brown school issue paper towel when you’ve got montezuma’s revenge.
On because, being that dumb, I knew I could prolly convince her to take pics and sheet. She was like, “really really smoking hot” to quote my 2520 brethren.
@Dante_Alexander, I feel like I shouldn’t but this made me ctfu. damn.
@Dante_Alexander,
If you kill me ONE mo’ time today…
I think we should hook up Ms. Poverty and Mr. Eclectic and see what happens…
@8th Wonder,
You already know the result: A child who speaks only in quotes from “Meet The Browns”.
I met that lil fooker the other day, too. He was practicing football. I asked what position he played. He told me “KB”. I patted him on the head and said “Good Job, lil buddy!” and went on about my bidniss.
@Aif Wondra
They would produce the next GWB. Or the Anti-Christ.
Its best not to tempt fate.
@WuDaMan,
I’m inclined to agree with you, my friend.
@8th Wonder, – Spontaneously rapping while we’re on a first date. Wtf are you doing?
That’s just plain funny. Some people are nail biters…others recite the 1st verse and chorus to “Luchini”.
@Mr. Mister,
What’s crazy is that if we were dating, and you did that, I would find it hilarious and possibly join in.
But on a first date, I just think you’re a nut.
Don’t tell her no when she asks for it.
@WuDaMan,
sex or food?
@The Champ,
both
@Smiley Face,
Icksnay on the oodfay, Smiley.
Don’t reach for my sammich. Chandaliers magically fall on people who do such things, tragically. we’ve had this conversation before.
@Dante_Alexander,
not even if i pout and say pretty, pretty please…?
@Dante_Alexander,
On the food? That’s a pretty small maybe. I don’t think you understand the love affair I have with vittles,
On the chex? I’d be all over you, spider monkey style.
@Dante_Alexander,
‘I don’t think you understand the love affair I have with vittles’
diga me…?
@Smiley Face,
Are you kidding me or what?
My feelings for sammiches can only be described as “Quite unhealthy” and “I’d die for that sheet, Craig”. Food is 1a after the chex. 1a can only be thwarted by great chex. I’d go hungry and die if great chex was withheld for the last bite of my sammich.
However, if the chex was weaksauce, I’d gladly eat the whole damn sammich in your face after a two day marathon session and only offer you a glass of water.
Obviously I have a few issues related to not having a fully stocked fridge as a kid…
@Dante_Alexander,
oh.my.dayum I literally laughed out loud at the above. Like, people walked by and stuck their heads in my office to see what was so funny.
U tryna get me fired. Stop it.
@Dante_Alexander,
pobrecito…i’ve never had to worry about being fed…pun intended
@Smiley Face,
Without sounding incredibly inappropriate, I could offer you a sole-a-me sammich. But I can’t say it without meaning it. So I’ll refrain. I haven’t seent you at the VSB BBQ yet.
@Dante_Alexander,
The famous BBQ I’ve been hearing about? lol
I would have to deny you sweets..I only eat at home…
1. Being too honest.
Chicks be asking men to be honest, to share our thoughts and feelings. That is crap. What women really want when they ask a man’s opinion is a validation of their own worldview. And God forbid you actually challenge them on some idiotic crap they’ve built their lives around.
“Every guy I meet is evil. Men are just so wack, I can’t believe they can treat women the way they do. My ex was just the worst human ever!
Didn’t you cheat on your last boyfriend?
“Yes, but that’s because I wasn’t being fulfilled. It had to be done, it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
2. Looking for your momma
I’ve noticed that a lot of cats walking around today expect women to cater to them like they birthed them. I’m not trying to earn brownie points here, since I firmly believe that many women are looking for surrogate daddies, but if you’re a man and your constantly telling a woman about how your momma cleaned up, dressed and cooked, she’s not going to be looking to open them legs.
@Big Man, 2. Looking for your momma
Yes!! So so true.
@Big Man,
“Every guy I meet is evil. Men are just so wack, I can’t believe they can treat women the way they do. My ex was just the worst human ever!
Didn’t you cheat on your last boyfriend?
“Yes, but that’s because I wasn’t being fulfilled. It had to be done, it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
LOLOL
@Big Man,
“Looking for your momma”
In general, I think ninjas need to realize that their momma’s took care of them cuz they HAD to. Women they are dating do it cuz they WANT to.
@V.E.G.,
*shooting gold stars, koala bears, unicorns and rainbows* all up and through this.
@V.E.G.,
I agree, and make sure you CC all the sisters on that memo regarding their daddies.
‘Cause it’s an epidemic on both sides.
@Big Man,
True dat.
@V.E.G.,
Apparently, I just had a mean ass moms… “Stop being a poosay” was a very common phrase in the house, as well as “Quit actin like a lil betch”. Yet my mom was not beefy and thugged out like Naymond’s mother… She’s actually a pretty nice lady, allegedly.
@V.E.G.,
Exactly. I hate it when country a*s bamas wander up to me with that stupid question: “Can you cook?” At this stage in the proceedings, whether or not I can cook is none of your concern.
Men think they just deserve to be cooked for. No, boo! You gots to be husband material (lol) and have me sprung for that.
back from my Bday hiatus still not sober but i neva am anyways…………
1. have a messy apt- ninjas ninjas rule #1 even if ya apt looks like tha sewer the ninja turles live in make sure tha bathroom is spotless. (if a chick wont sit on ya toliet seat there is no chance in hell you will bang).
1a) make sure ya carpet/bed is clean( if a chick wont take off her shoes you aint bangin)
2. Smell good/hygiene: I kno a few ninjas that dont smell as good as me and wonder why i cant hook um up or wonder why im always offerin him gum b4 he tries ta mack ona chick. we tell him he stanks n he thinks we jokin
3. Not eatin tha pusss: lolololololol sorry i aint neva ate it and i prolly neva will some chicks hate it othas dont trip cause they kno i make up for it in otha areas
thas all i got
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“i aint neva”
Ninjas like you should be branded. lol. You are forever hereby banned.
@V.E.G.,
if i was married id eat wifey but shii i aint tryna get my grill all juiced on
@BLUNTBLAZER, 3. Not eatin tha pusss: lolololololol sorry i aint neva ate it and i prolly neva will some chicks hate it othas dont trip cause they kno i make up for it in otha areas
Wow! Really? Why not?
@pgh muse,
neva had 2 really they see the pole and thats what they want *shruggs shoulder* i dunno
@BLUNTBLAZER,
’3. Not eatin tha pusss: lolololololol sorry i aint neva ate it and i prolly neva will some chicks hate it othas dont trip cause they kno i make up for it in otha areas”
BOY…!! AIN’T no other area to make up in…da hell?!!…you just mad me mad! LOL
@Smiley Face,
see..i can’t even spell, lol!
@Smiley Face,
why u mad?
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“why u mad?”
flashback….
@BLUNTBLAZER,
but i’d bet you want a woman to be exercising her neck all over you, right? if not, i’d be surprised. it kills me when ninjas expect you to do something they won’t do. in ANY arena but especially in this case.
@SouthernGirl,
dam the roastin continues lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
yall aint seee tha rest of my list? lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
We didn’t need to after that comment.
*sniggling*
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Numero 3 erased the rest of the list, darlin’. lol
@miss t-lee, Cheekie
Amen!
@BLUNTBLAZER,
lol @ sniggling
i havent heard that one in soooo long
@BLUNTBLAZER, and you didn’t answer my question…. o_O don’t think i didn’t notice. lol.
@SouthernGirl,
i mean if they want to i aint gone stop um i aint palmin no chicks head i mean they like to do it sooooo im not gonna stop um
@BB,
let me clarify. i mean the kind of guy who would expect it/next a chick that didn’t. not falling upon someone that loved to do it and wasn’t concerned with you returning the favor. i know you wouldn’t stop her. lol. but what if she said she didn’t do that? would you make it known that you don’t?
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Yo Y they hating and giving you the scarlet letter. Just cuz a player ain’t working for they trifecta don’t mean he can’t tripple her double errday.
@WuDaMan, hmphf!
the word is reciprocity. that statement has a drought effect worse than global warming.
@pgh muse,
This is myth.
I’m from New Orleans. There was an entire period in this city’s history where men vehemently denied ever, EVER using their lips in that manner. Now, many of those cats were lying, but they still made that claim and we still had one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country.
Basically, some chicks might get that Sahara feeling in their nether regions if they got denied lollipop service, but many, MANY chicks are just fine.
@Big Man,
But they are not fulfilled. Don’t you realize all the sista in New Orleans are ANGRY????
This is why. lol.
@VEG,
lololololol
@VEG, I couldn’t say it better,
no oral, no bueno. I don’t get it.
@Big Man highest teen pregnancy
These are kids saying that. And maybe some of them actually weren’t doing it. I wonder if this attitude matriculated into their adult bedroom practices – it prolly did. And I’m not knocking New Orleans in the least – but there are somethings about the culture down there that are less than enlightened. This is just an observation – but ignorance shows up in many facets of life.
@Big Man,
dam yall act like im tha last ninja on earth that aint ate it
@Blunt Blazer,
You are lol.
@pgh muse,
“there are somethings about the culture down there that are less than enlightened”
chile…hush yo mouf. lol.
N.O. is very enlightened.
@pgh muse
“And I’m not knocking New Orleans in the least – but there are somethings about the culture down there that are less than enlightened.”
*covers ears from intense knocking sound* oh really? 0_O
@WuDaMan,
“Just cuz a player ain’t working for they trifecta don’t mean he can’t tripple her double errday.”
…bullsh*t!!
@WuDaMan,
yea i mite not average 10/10/10 but im a drop 30/15 ery night ima power forward not a point guard ya dig lol tell um bruh bruh
@BLUNTBLAZER,
say word. Rike if they didn’t get the right rightchous regurarry they wourdn’t forget about it. Especially if they go to O-ville off of wang treatment.
@WuDaMan,
yadaimean my bday chick go so wet she left her mark on my bed shii looked like a snowman
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Re: #3.
Are you Jamaican? lol. Otherwise, i don’t get it.
@V.E.G.,
he can’t even be that b/c i don’t know nan one that don’t, lol…
@Smiley Face,
dam 4 real last of tha mo-nig-ans i guess shii ill be that
@BLUNTBLAZER,
for shame…*SMH*
how you think I got my name?
@Smiley Face, Word.
Many a Jamaican pulls up to chow down. Shyt.
@BlackBerry Molasses,
But they lie and act like the don’t.
@VEGgie Tales,
They lie about a lot of things, but we’re not going to go there today.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“3. Not eatin tha pusss: lolololololol sorry i aint neva ate it and i prolly neva will some chicks hate it othas dont trip cause they kno i make up for it in otha areas ”
You are fired.
NEXT!!!
@BLUNTBLAZER,
#3. I understand this concept, as i can make up for it with unreleased positions, and a nack(ms) for being the eve of destruction for all weave or natural hairdos.
good sex-head= check on the list
bad sex+good head= call you once in awhile
GOOD Sex+ plus the sloppy, ooze to yo a$$ head=a.she and her friends will talk about you for an eternity.
b. you will live there.
c. She might start paying your bills.
d. you can drink out of the botttle at her house.
e. all the above and below
f. you can discipline her kids
g. drive her car to white castles at 2 in the morn
h. give you a key
i. you see her without makeout on.
j. permission pull her hair in public.
k. she will clean you house and fill your tank up
…………………..
@The Hallway,
CHUUCH!
@The Hallway,
GOOD Sex+ plus the “sloppy, ooze to yo a$$ head=”
I have to use this in a sentence…soon.
Maybe later.
@miss t-lee,
This sentence is just another reason for you to yell…AYE! AYE!! …..lol
Bond.
@The Hallway,
i dunno dawg from wha i hear chicks say alot dudes aint packin so they eat to take the chick’s mind off of they shortness
@BLUNTBLAZER,
nope…i’m just greedy like that. i want my appetizer (or two or three), entree AND dessert…one can’t take the place of another unless we tryin to be quick
@BLUNTBLAZER,
happy belated and sh*t
@BLUNTBLAZER, at least you honest about that…now how about
the majoritysome of the ladies who don’t go downtown on their dude?@T. Troy Stewart,
I REPEAT THE RED BUTTON HAS BEEN PUSHED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (word to tip drill)
@WuDaMan,
& by trifecta I meant head hands and Mr. E. Wang.
Yo like when was the last time some of these women got felt up right? Or the pipe was strong for like all they could stands? Just saying. Heaven forbid they get w/ a cat w/ no tongue.
@WuDaMan,
How many no tongue ninjas you know?
@WuDaMan,
“Heaven forbid they get w/ a cat w/ no tongue”
long as he has lips and strong suction..I’m good
@Sensei T-Lee, They don’t talk to me no more…
@Funny Face, why does your comment remind me of a horse trying to pick up cut up carrots or pepermints off a plate with his lips. lol
@WuDaMan,
he betta work it out is all i’m sayin! LOL!!…some tongue weave or something..I don’t care..work.it.out!
@WuDaMan,
why does your comment remind me of a horse trying to pick up cut up carrots or pepermints off a plate with his lips.
lol u are KILLING ME SOFTLY today.
@the ladies,
it’s okay to admit that the image of a horse mouthing a treat made you moist (barn yard phreaques)
bwuaaaahahahahaha
@T. Troy Stewart,
“now how about the majority some of the ladies who don’t go downtown on their dude?”
They need to step up to the mic and sing like they’re battling Ree-Ree for the title of “Queen of Soul”…yeah I said it!
@Smiley Face,
Really!!! I only know one chick who says she doesn’t step up to the mic. I would give her the side-eye but she’s my cuz so I actually believe her.
@Smiley Face, don’t cry for me Archin’ Tina; everything’s lovely round this way, but the journey was a struggle.
@T. Troy Stewart,
People don’t go down? They still make those?
@BlackBerry Molasses, do they still make them? Ask me that again.
@T. Troy Stewart,
ddaaayyyuuuummmmm….poor thing
@T. Troy Stewart,
Man…. FOR REAL??
**confuzzled**
@T. Troy Stewart,
My condolences.
@T. Troy Stewart,
I’d like to recomend a book called naked and unashamed. It could may possibly help.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
**looks at BLUNTBLAZER like he’s a Ford Model A cruising down the Interstate**
@BlackBerry Molasses,
naw those dont have no windows my whip gotta have windows so i can hot box it up
@BLUNTBLAZER,
**sees that her metaphor went COMPLETELY over BBlazer’s head… sadly**
@BLUNTBLAZER,
watch yalls chick come see me afta ya get um wet n ready to get piped down.
if a real chick want you she will be wet before u even go in.
Beg. Nobody wants a begging azz knee gro. Be extra soft or extra hard. That needs no explanation. Can’t think of any others right now.
@nola darling on her blackberry,
LOL…yeah, ninjas DO need to be too proud to beg.
i learn so much from you guys
@dani,
That’s right…
VSB.com: ” Corrupting America’s Youth since Eddie Winslow lost his mind”
@dani, we’d like to learn from you too….
@dani,
welcome and sh*t
@V.E.G., alas, typically it’s some pot-bellied, shiny faced, kn0ck-kneed idiot with pointy shoes on…
@superwoman,
yeah but you know if Boris /Idris/D’hani/*insert hot , well built guy here* sat down and slid his phone over without saying a word…you’d put yo number in. lmao.
See…y’all gon make me log in from home to keep reading and sh*t…lol!
@Smiley Face,
I’ve done that ish for plenty o’ topics here. lol
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome (again) but I am trying to be more creative with my screen name. BLUNTBLAZER suggested Poison Ivy (or Ms. PI) yesterday. What do you think? Too vague?
I am “ubber-late” with the commentary, but not being able to hold an intelligent conversation is the ultimate turn off. It more than sends me running. It lets me know that
1. You are uneducated
2. You were the dude that slept in English class (in every grade), and
3. Really believe that “skrimps” are a delicacy.
Brothers, please enlighten your not so smart counterparts that meaningful conversation (verbal and written) is essential. Which leads to…
4. Not being able to spell or use correct grammar. (And I don’t mean doing shorthand or “e-talk”)
I know a guy who writes and talks in the language of run-on. It’s frustrating to read his emails and hold conversations with him, in general.