30 seconds.

apparently this is all the time it takes for a woman to decide whether a guy is eventual jungle monkey gotdamn material or not. thing is, between that first interaction and the first bottled water third frozen cosmo 37 minutes after you met for the first time on the fourth date, there remains a vast number of ways to salt your own game and eventually eliminate yourself quicker than george sodini.

today, as an extension of vsb.com’s crime-fighting ideals, the champ has decided to share five of them. take notes and sh*t

1. be too nice

while genuine interest from a woman doesn’t give you carte blanche to be an asshole unless you’re the champ, nothing makes a luscious love pocket go from brazilian rainforesty to straight sahara quicker than excessively ridiculous unconditional niceness. seriously, sacrificing your spine before you get the panties is such a surefire anti-damp that you might as well change your name to bounty.

it took me a while to learn this, as a young champ took sexual interest as a cue to instantly turn into stuart smalley, not realizing that always bending over backwards is a great way to make sure you wont be breaking any backs.

2. assume you’re already in there

unless you’re john mayer or whoever vivica fox happens to be dating, its usually not the best idea to assume that sex is a sure thing. even if they know you know they want to sleep with you, women still like to be wooed as if you’re completely oblivious to the soggy circus jumping out of her jean suit.

3. show your inner metro

as the popularity of the frohawk and strange things named “spectacular” have proven, the inane down-low hysteria has quelled somewhat in the past year or so. with that being said, women, black women especially, are still extra vigilant for any signs of pre or immediate post-coital effeminatity

unless you plan on dozens of consecutive nights of lonely solo exfoliation, archive the skinny jeans and timely celeb gossip until the at least the third time you’ve slept together, farnsworth.

4. slow your roll…except the exact opposite

while mysteriousness can be sexy if you’re hot, we all still like to have some inkling of reciprocation, women especially.

shifting sh*t on your busy schedule to spend time with her? good reciprocation

offering to pay her phone bill, updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”, and taking her to the grave of your beloved great-grandmother to pray for her blessing….after your first date? bad, bad, bad reciprocation. down boy. down dammit!!!

5. let her see you “sleeping”

if you’re a grower (a man whose flaccid penis is less than half of its erect size) you should remember the fact that there are many women who’ve made it to adulthood without ever seeing adult shrinkage. in fact, i bet at least 15-25 percent of the women reading this entry are unaware it even exists.

basically, while you may be packing a fully-loaded philly cheese steak sub when erect, its probably not the best idea to whip out your sleeping wang if it resembles a steak-umm while soft.

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

people of vsb.com, any additions?

—the champ