Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

nevermind: five surefire ways to scare her away

lock-vagina

30 seconds.

apparently this is all the time it takes for a woman to decide whether a guy is eventual jungle monkey gotdamn material or not. thing is, between that first interaction and the first bottled water third frozen cosmo 37 minutes after you met for the first time on the fourth date, there remains a vast number of ways to salt your own game and eventually eliminate yourself quicker than george sodini.

today, as an extension of vsb.com’s crime-fighting ideals, the champ has decided to share five of them. take notes and sh*t

1. be too nice

while genuine interest from a woman doesn’t give you carte blanche to be an asshole unless you’re the champ, nothing makes a luscious love pocket go from brazilian rainforesty to straight sahara quicker than excessively ridiculous unconditional niceness. seriously, sacrificing your spine before you get the panties is such a surefire anti-damp that you might as well change your name to bounty.

it took me a while to learn this, as a young champ took sexual interest as a cue to instantly turn into stuart smalley, not realizing that always bending over backwards is a great way to make sure you wont be breaking any backs.

2. assume you’re already in there

unless you’re john mayer or whoever vivica fox happens to be dating, its usually not the best idea to assume that sex is a sure thing. even if they know you know they want to sleep with you, women still like to be wooed as if you’re completely oblivious to the soggy circus jumping out of her jean suit.

3. show your inner metro

pretty-ricky

as the popularity of the frohawk and strange things named “spectacular” have proven, the inane down-low hysteria has quelled somewhat in the past year or so. with that being said, women, black women especially, are still extra vigilant for any signs of pre or immediate post-coital effeminatity

unless you plan on dozens of consecutive nights of lonely solo exfoliation, archive the skinny jeans and timely celeb gossip until the at least the third time you’ve slept together, farnsworth.

4. slow your roll…except the exact opposite

while mysteriousness can be sexy if you’re hot, we all still like to have some inkling of reciprocation, women especially.

shifting sh*t on your busy schedule to spend time with her? good reciprocation

offering to pay her phone bill, updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”, and taking her to the grave of your beloved great-grandmother to pray for her blessing….after your first date? bad, bad, bad reciprocation. down boy. down dammit!!!

5. let her see you “sleeping”

Philly Mac 7

if you’re a grower (a man whose flaccid penis is less than half of its erect size) you should remember the fact that there are many women who’ve made it to adulthood without ever seeing adult shrinkage. in fact, i bet at least 15-25 percent of the women reading this entry are unaware it even exists.

basically, while you may be packing a fully-loaded philly cheese steak sub when erect, its probably not the best idea to whip out your sleeping wang if it resembles a steak-umm while soft.

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

people of vsb.com, any additions?

—the champ

Filed Under: , , ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

    This put me on life support:

    “offering to pay her phone bill, updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”, and taking her to the grave of your beloved great-grandmother to pray for her blessing”

    This pulled the plug.

    “basically, while you may be packing a fully-loaded philly cheese steak sub when erect, its probably not the best idea to whip out your wang if it resembles a steak-um while soft.”

    • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

      @V.E.G.,

      LIVE!!! V.E.G. LIVE!!!

      You got a birthday to celebrate.

      Happy Birthday !)

      • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

        @WuDaMan,

        LMAO.

        Thank you!

        • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

          @V.E.G.,

          You welcome. Eat some of this I-cake. I made it w/ agave nectar and apple sauce it’s good for you. lol N there’s nuts n fruit babies glitter. It’s got all the ingredients of the bestess beer ever. (so what I’m trying too hard, it’s yo birfday) We got the crazy man from the simsons to sing Happy birthday V.E.G. n all that.

        • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

          @V.E.G.,

          Happiest of happies, V.E.G.etable.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @V.E.G.,

          happy birthday and sh*t, and may your birthday be a very masculine one

          • mari

            @The Champ, this quote of yours never fails to make me chuckle, lol

            yay for The Godfather!

        • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

          @V.E.G.,
          leo bdays yea dont party as hard as i did tho unless u take a day off to recover lol

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @V.E.G., yeah, happy b-day ninja.

          booyaka.

    • SouthernGirl

      @V.E.G.,

      yay!!!!! happy birthday!

      *shooting gold birthday stars*

    • http://www.kindredsmile.blogspot.com Kindred Smile

      @V.E.G., Happy Birthday honey!

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Thuggie Luvvie

      @V.E.G.,

      HAPPY BIRFDAY, V-NESS!!! Excuse me as I sing you a song.

      VEG its your birfday
      HappyBirthday VEG
      I wish u love and goodwill
      I wish you peace and joy
      I wish you better than your heart desires
      And ur first kiss from a boy *snickers*

      We shall celebrate tonight! Maybe I’ll go get more cupcakes!

      • 8th Wonder

        @Thuggie Luvvie,

        Mmmm, cupcakes.

        I mean, Happy Birthday Veggie Tales!!

      • overit?

        @Thuggie Luvvie, cupcakes!! Great, now I’m craving one.

        VEG!!!!!!! Happy Bday!!! I’m glad you’re alive and sh**.

    • Anonymiss

      @V.E.G.,

      Feliz cumple!!!! =)

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

      @V.E.G.,

      Happy Born Day VEGgie Tales!

      May your day be filled with heels, dresses, crepes and herbal refreshments with fine arse rastas.

      • http://stickwityocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

        @BlackBerry Molasses,

        It’s like you read my diary. :)

    • Smiley Face

      @V.E.G.,

      HADDY BIRFDAY!!!

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @V.E.G.,

      Happy B-day, darlin’!! *does Leo jig*

      • http://stickwityocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

        @Cheekie,

        Does Leo two step/booty toot combo.

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @V.E.G.,

          Go ‘head! I see you! lol

          • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

            @Cheekie,

            OOOOh my dreams are a coming true.

            Shake it fast
            watch yo self
            shake it like a salt shaker
            show me what you workin with
            shake it like a polaroid picture
            Roll like a 18 wheeler

          • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

            @Cheekie,

            I knowed there is a God!

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Wu,

            SAD-alltheway-DOWN.

    • http://jameskphoto.blogspot.com Mr. Mister

      @V.E.G., happy birthday slim!

      • http://stickwityocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

        @Mr. Mister,

        Thank you everyone.

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @V.E.G.,

      Happy Birthday VEG!

    • luvtheshoes

      @V.E.G.,

      Happy, happy, happy birthday!

    • Miss Patterson

      @V.E.G., Happy Birthday V.E.G.!!!

  • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

    Immediately off…don’t be weird. Keep the porn and hentai anime enthusiasm to yourself until she moves in. Don’t get fetishy until she reveals hers mid-smash.

    And don’t go places you’re expected to spend some cash unless you really want to trick off a 50 spot or two.

    BTW, it’s a general rule that your messy *ss room in your parents’ rest is not an option.

    Sup with these “men on the hot seat” topics?

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

      Sup with these “men on the hot seat” topics?

      turn about is fair play.

      • Smiley Face

        @blackberry molasses,
        “turn about is fair play.”

        d*mn straight!

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        @blackberry molasses, I’ve been around long enough to notice that women aren’t on the hot seat in these topics.

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

          obviously not paying attention **pats head** its okay. its early.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @blackberry molasses,

        Co-signage.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

      ‘Sup with these “men on the hot seat” topics?”

      lets play a little numbers game and sh*t

      339: as of today, this represents how many entries we’ve had on vsb.com

      (at least) 100: this represents how many of those are directly targeted at women, with topics spanning from “why you’re an evil b*tch”, “signs you’re a pretentious piece of sh*t”, and “mistakes every educated woman makes” to “how to charm a man”, “why professional women basically suck”, and “the mirror” (which was an entry basically telling unattractive women to kill themselves, lol)

      12: the number of minutes it took me to look back and count exactly how many topics were directly targeted at women. it would have been a little longer, but i stopped counting after 100.

      in summary: what the f*ck hell are you talking about?

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        @The Champ…..ouch! Sue me, I haven’t been here that long. Be easy, fam…

        Those topics do sound quite entertaining though…definitely gotta go back and read those.

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @The Champ,
        dam lol roasted

      • Smiley Face

        @The Champ,

        *clapping*

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

        @The Champ,

        as my Chi-Town friends would say….

        TREATED.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Stuff Ghetto People Lik

        “definitely gotta go back and read those.”

        thats all i’m saying. vsb ebbs and flows and sh*t

    • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,
      hella true bout tha porn ya neva kno even tha most innocent lookin chicks be watchin it on tha low

  • http://www.blacknbougie.com OneChele

    As we learned from my Dr. Seuss story last week, sometimes a brother just needs to be quiet, ssshhh. If the girl is signaling with the smoldering eye-sexy, the hair flip and the giggle, you’re in there. Don’t ruin it by saying something really, really stupid.

    BTW fellas, you can be in the middle of getting the cupcakes, say something stupid and still get ejected mid-stroke… with the swiftness. Not every girl wants to answer your questions about whose p* it is or if you’re the best she’s ever had. :-) Oh and if you’re screaming out names, make sure you say the right one, playa. I’ve got a friend right now who got called Indigo (Indigo?!) one time too many.

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @OneChele,

      “Not every girl wants to answer your questions about whose p* it is or if you’re the best she’s ever had.”

      Now…if he’s working it right, these questions are acceptable and encouraged. I kid. *shifty eye*

      And Indigo??? Wtf?????

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        @V.E.G., re: “Indigo”: ninja been watchin’ too much Mo’ Better Blues.

      • Blue Skyez

        @V.E.G.,

        I think a like a man to be near silent. No asking silly questions like “Whose is it?” It’s mine, ninja! It’s part of my body. No name calling. No yelling, roaring, growling, or any otherworldly sounds. Heavy breathing is only acceptable and manliest thing he can do. As for me I may moan a little, but thats about the limit of noise making for me.

        • http://stickwityocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

          @Blue Skyez,

          That’s some quiet chex, girl. lol.

          • SouthernGirl

            @V.E.G., lol. i’m sayin’ to each his/her own and all but o_O

          • Blue Skyez

            @V.E.G.,

            I just think quiet chex is romantic and intense. Extra Noise will be a distraction for me.

        • miss t-lee

          @Blue Skyez,
          Like complete silence?
          Um…IDK…lol

          • Blue Skyez

            @miss t-lee,

            No. Not complete silence. We might as well be dead. Heavy Breathing and Light moaning. There’s no need to be waking neighbors! lol

          • miss t-lee

            @ Blue Skyez,
            Okay now I understand. :)
            There’s always a need to wake the neighbors…lol

          • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

            @miss t-lee,
            yea tha proof is in the puddin all that scream dont mean nuthin. BUT if you gettin wetter than the pacific wit ya nails diggin in my back eye rollin in tha back of ya head uaint gotta say nuthin “its writin all ova ya face” lol

        • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

          @Blue Skyez,

          I could see this so long as I’m not getting dead panned in a bad way. Like you thinking you want to find your wrap it up box.

        • Anonymiss

          @Blue Skyez,
          “No asking silly questions like “Whose is it?” It’s mine, ninja! It’s part of my body.”

          LMAO!!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Blue Skyez,

          I think a like a man to be near silent. No asking silly questions like “Whose is it?” It’s mine, ninja! It’s part of my body. No name calling. No yelling, roaring, growling, or any otherworldly sounds. Heavy breathing is only acceptable and manliest thing he can do. As for me I may moan a little, but thats about the limit of noise making for me.

          lol, damn. it sounds like your sex is lamer than joe buddens. i pity your punany.

          • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

            @The Champ,

            I too pity her puddin. Might as well beat off if I’ma be quiet. What the hell? The faces have got to be off the chain. She is over there having mime cecks. smh

          • Blue Skyez

            @The Champ,
            “lol, damn. it sounds like your sex is lamer than joe buddens. i pity your punany.”

            That’s not fair. Why does it have to pitiful? Maybe its just too good for words or noise. LOL

          • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

            @Blue Skyes,

            I’m sorry. but it sounds like the stuff reserved for a non english art gallery indie film. No worries, I’ll be there to help you out & be your more people. I’m clearing my schedule as I type. LOL

          • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

            @The Champ,
            yall crazy prolly chexin with no music in the background huh too huh? ole exabitionalist or howeva u spell it

          • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

            Hey yall wait wait wait.

            Blue Skyez have you ever made the cecksie time w/ someone who went to prison?

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

            the only time when quiet s3x is necessary is when you are doing it in a wildly inappropriate setting… like a church confessional.

        • Anger Management

          @Blue Skyez, I’m not sure about “near silent”, but don’t be tryna have a FULL ON conversation with me, LMAO. I had one guy who would ask me questions throughout the ENTIRE time. Talm bout “Do you miss me?”, “Do you love me?”. Ninja, STFU, SMDH. I’m sorry, I’m a little angry today, he got on my dayum nerves.

          • 8th Wonder

            @Anger Management,

            How you gon’ miss someone when they’re inside you?

            FAIL.

        • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

          @Blue Skyez,
          yea das me tha silent assasin but the chicks get loud lolol my neighbors always be grinnin when they see me.

          • http://twitter.com/WuDaMan WuDaMan

            @BLUNTBLAZER,
            :D

          • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

            @WUDAMAN,
            worst shi is when the neighbors be grinnin at the chick when they do the walk of shame all quiet and dainty knowin they was screamin they head off a hour ago.

        • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

          @Blue Skyez, near silent? are you making out or on the Bataan/Obama Death March? You mackin’ Elmer Fudd?
          Why you controlling how HE is having chex with chew? Why is he even there? Oh, I’m asking way too many questions, huh? LOL…oops, another question. Sorry. Oops, can’t be too apologetic.

          Man, I am glad that I don’t date anymore.

          • miss t-lee

            @T. Troy Stewart,
            “Bataan Death March”?

            hahahhahahha

        • luvtheshoes

          @Blue Skyez,

          Quiet chex unnerves me. Makes me think one of us is not getting it like we like it. You better at least moan and throw in some commentary here and there…I can’t be the only one showing my appreciation. (And if I’m not making any noise, you getting it for the last time)

        • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

          *keeps the words of Blue Skyez in mind in light of the virgin post last week*

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @Blue Skyez,

          I don’t think I could handle that. Like, what are we supposed to listen to? The crickets?

          **coming from the chick whose neighbors officially HATE her for ‘noise violations**

    • charli skipper

      @OneChele,
      these questions are especially out of order when they are gramatically incorrect. and not in a sarcastic and intentionally slangy way. “it’s minezzz, isn’t it?” whispered all earnest and psuedo-seductively will make me call time out and turn the lights on so i can post about that mess on VSB and reevaluate my life.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @OneChele, “As we learned from my Dr. Seuss story last week, sometimes a brother just needs to be quiet, ssshhh.”

      YES!

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @OneChele,

      “As we learned from my Dr. Seuss story last week, sometimes a brother just needs to be quiet, ssshhh.”

      YES. Silence is golden. Hell, in most cases, it’s platinum.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @OneChele,

      “Not every girl wants to answer your questions about whose p* it is or if you’re the best she’s ever had”

      a good technique is to ask forceful riddles. while “who’s your daddy” is cool, nothing will get her juices flowing like “yeah, girl, whats my dog’s name? whats my dog’s name?????”

      now she’s more aroused by the fact that you’re slightly crazy, but you love animals. a win-win for all involved

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @The Champ,
        *take that, take that* lol

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

        @The Champ,

        *snickering*

        no.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @OneChele, BTW fellas, you can be in the middle of getting the cupcakes, say something stupid and still get ejected mid-stroke… with the swiftness.

      this is a totally unrelated related note. but there is lore from those who went to school with me in college that this cat from DC basically dumped his chick midstroke. LOL. dude was hitting and before he finished was like, “yo, i’m done with this relatioship. i’m out.”

      you just don’t come back from that one.

      • http://www.blacknbougie.com OneChele

        @Panama Jackson, That might be Top Ten in the worst Break Up Scenarios EVER!
        “When did you break up?”
        “July 28th, 2002 @ 2:12 am between stroke 171 and 172″

      • Wanjiru

        @Panama Jackson,
        Do you know my husband? This is the exact type of 0.0056% story he tells. Details please!!! What on earth could she have said/ done/moaned out/oozed/shook/broke/smelled/ ??? to make that happen? Was that before or after she shanked him.. aw, never mind…. this is probably all we’re getting anyway….

  • overitlovesmondays

    I was in a zen like calm, anticipating all that the REM cycle has to offer, when this ruined it: “updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”. THIS of all the things you mentioned annoys me the worst. I’m more likely to not share than on FB, even when I feel like I found him. Por ejemplo, I took a FB quiz on which black actor I’d end up with, I end up with Idris Elba (surprise), but did I put “i told yall haters” on my status? No. On a serious tip though, those statuses annoy me to no end, thirsting for e-validation is not cahyoote.

    Re: the steak-um bit, I’m going to to look into the Corner policy and see if I could send you there.

    • charli skipper

      @overitlovesmondays,
      um…people are starting to facebook statuses way too seriously. where is the shame? i have this one “friend” that is consistently updating about her 2 baby’s daddies and the sad state of her life. talkin about, “i wish these men would be fathers to these babies!”……”i’m glad my friends have found their way in life—hopefully one day i will find a use for myself.” then cut to: “today is going to be a beautiful day!!!! :)” i just want to call and have her internet disconnected so i can save her from herself.

      • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

        @charli skipper,

        The status game has become a full on beetch session, for women and men alike.

        I see so many statii that say something to the effect of “FB isn’t E-Harmony!”, but that same person is sitting complaining about love on FB 24-7. And I don’t see a lil phone icon next to the updates. So her fat arse is sitting at home putting this sheet up every 5 minutes. Cry for help? Maybe. Annoying as sheet? Very.

        Stop ordering pizza off papajohns.com and actually GO to the store, tubb-o. You may like the cashier waiting on you. That’s all you deserve you unambitious lazy betch.

        • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

          @Dante_Alexander,

          Why she gotta be fat? lmao.

          • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

            @V.E.G.,

            Cuz, in this case, I actually know the woman, and she is, all things considered, fat as fook.

            Personally, I think she needs to decide to acknowledge that she likes chicks, cuz she’ll only get a dude if she becomes a mail order bride. Bad everything, with the worst feature being the attitude. She came to our high school reunion acting even MORE stank than I remember her in High School, and we were NICE to her in High School…

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @Dante_Alexander,

          next time, tell us how you REALLY feel. HA!

          • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

            @BlackBerry Molasses,

            I’ve only met like two abrasive portly chicks in my life, and they were bad as hell, THEN got beefy, and therefore never learned to have personality.

            however THIS chick has always thought her sheet don’t stank. So one status says “I am SO great blah blah blah” then 5 minutes later its “Uggggggggh! I HATE men cuz they always lose my number! They are SOOOO irresponsible! it’s like my head game makes them forgetful!” Stupid.

            Thus ends my free publicity for that one. On to better things…

            How bout this weather we’re having!

        • miss t-lee

          @Dante_Alexander,
          Glad to know this was someone you know personally…lol

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Dante_Alexander,

          Stop ordering pizza off papajohns.com and actually GO to the store, tubb-o. You may like the cashier waiting on you. That’s all you deserve you unambitious lazy betch.

          this is the funniest thing ive read all month. well, maybe not all month, but its the funniest thing ive read since breakfast

      • Anonymiss

        @charli skipper,

        I couldn’t agree with you more about the FB status thang. Some people just have no shame. There’s this one acquaintance of mine and I know her entire sex life just from her FB statuses alone. I guess she doesn’t care because everyone already knows she’s a jumpoff but still… so unnecessary.

    • SouthernGirl

      @overitlovesmondays, change yo’ vsb status gurl! it’s tuesday!!! :-) you know i lurve you.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @SouthernGirl,

        I wonder if she still loves Mondays, even though it’s Tuesday. It’s possible. Maybe she’s reminiscing. lol

    • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

      I’m so happy I haven’t given in and joined the Facebook cult (no page of any kind at this time). Facebook, supposedly so grown and sexy and exclusive and upper crust…yet there’s probably more f*ckery than Blackplanet on there from what I’ve heard.

      • miss t-lee

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,
        Trust me, I’m glad I haven’t either…lol

        • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

          @miss t-lee, I regret that I ever got involved with FB. My kind of posting doesn’t go well over there. Twitter’s getting the same way…

          • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

            @T. Troy Stewart, Twitter, where some third rate celebrity can amass 10,000 + followers and only acknowledge the other third rate celebrities. Idiots.

          • miss t-lee

            @T. Troy Stewart,
            Yeah…you don’t wanna get banned again…lol

          • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

            @T. Troy Stewart,

            I rant and rave on the Twit-box about random sheet that I can’t post on my FB page because people I work with can see it. I’ve blocked any and all people I work with from seeing my Twitter page.

            Yesterday, I went on a rant about #thingsIHate. Sadly, it did not become a trnding topic, but I DID post some gems like: “#thingsIHate: graduating college & still acting like ur 16. Unless ur a fox, in which case I’ll take that 23 year old body and 16 year old mind”

            However, I see the disdain some of you have for it, and completely understand. I still hate POGs and Pokemon.

        • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

          @miss t-lee, good point LOL

      • SouthernGirl

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

        laaaaaaawd! the entranceway to foolishness and f^ckery once black folk got the internet

        black planet is.

        • SouthernGirl

          @SouthernGirl,

          obviously me and the edit button had it out. and i lost. lol.

    • Blue Skyez

      @overitlovesmondays,
      “I was in a zen like calm, anticipating all that the REM cycle has to offer”

      The REM cycle is my favorite part of sleep. :-)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @overitlovesmondays,

      Re: the steak-um bit, I’m going to to look into the Corner policy and see if I could send you there.

      corner deez

      • 8th Wonder

        @The Champ,

        She’ll pass.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @overitlovesmondays, my status message (when i was updating it) usually consisted of BBQ, two monkeys, and a few fiber optic cables.

      not always in that order…but it always brought the girls to the yard.

  • Wise Diva

    I need an apology from whomever chose the pictures for this post. *waiting*

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @Wise Diva,

      You and me both.

    • Leila

      @Wise Diva, lol. Same here….

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Wise Diva,

      Especially the first one. That was slightly not safe for work and luckily it was early in the morning when everyone is either doing the morning chit-chat or brain-dead. I had to scroll down with the quickness. lol

    • superwoman

      @Wise Diva, i support that motion…. particularly of that imbecile bent over in the blue shorts… nx!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Wise Diva,

      wait deez

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Wise Diva, we’re sorry you’re not cool like we are. and that you don’t have swagger like us. and that your milkshake doesn’t bring the boys to the yard. and that high days are better than sober ones. and that basically, we’re too sexxy for our shirts. so sexxy it hurts.

  • Leila

    “offering to pay her phone bill, updating your facebook status message to say “i’ve found her”, and taking her to the grave of your beloved great-grandmother to pray for her blessing….after your first date”

    This and the picture had me cracking up.

    • Leila

      Other ones that I would add:

      Getting too excited – I’ve seen guys just get too excited and want me to meet their whole family and making a lot of future plans and it’s just the first date.

      Talking too much – Good conversation is a plus, but if it’s a one-way conversation and the other person is barely staying awake isn’t.

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @Leila,
        goes both ways i kno some motor mouth chicks that jus talk for decades makes me wish i hada stunt double

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @BLUNTBLAZER, that cracked me up.

          • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

            @Panama Jackson,
            shii thinkin bout it stunt doubles would come in handy like a muggg

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @BLUNTBLAZER,

          *dying*

    • MilkandCookies

      @Leila,

      I have a friend that did this… her and her new man have been together from 30 days!… 30 DAYS! I know this b/c they posted it, just yesterday. And from all the status messages talking about love and marriage and such you’d think they’ve been together for at least a year.

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

        @MilkandCookies,

        WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE FRIENDS WITH?!?!
        these cannot be normal people. just no. iRefuse to believe humanity is that full of stupid.

        • Leila

          @BlackBerry Molasses, It exists lol. I see it all of the time.

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @BlackBerry Molasses,

          “iRefuse to believe humanity is that full of stupid.”

          George Dubya Bush’s second term is enough proof of that.

          Too soon?

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

            @Cheekie,

            That’s a moot point, Cheekster. Errybody knows Georgie boy didn’t run shyt. Cheney did.

            They just knew no one was going to vote for Emperor Palpatine’s real life doppleganger.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Cheekie,

            “That’s a moot point, Cheekster. Errybody knows Georgie boy didn’t run shyt. Cheney did. ”

            They were a packaged deal, though. You didn’t get Dubya without Cheney. Yeah, no one pays attention to the VP, but um, they should…lmfao.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @BlackBerry Molasses, hell, Mos Def married his stripper girlfriend 4 days after meeting her…

          …and he’s the “conscious” rapper cat who’s supposedly so intelligent and a thinker.

          bet his status message said, “i’m in love with a stripper. no really, i am. brooklyn.”

  • blackpearl287

    I will add apologizing too much.

    Once I went on a date with a brotha who apologized for everything- the service at the restaurant, the traffic while we were driving, the dog that was barking too much in the park, the damn air I inhaled. (I exaggerate a tad, but he said sorry one too many times).

    At first it was sweet, but then it was downright annoying. SMH, poor fella.

    • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

      @blackpearl287,

      As I read more and more of what dudes have done to you all in the past, the more I’m realizing I’m almost the biggest a-sholey in the continental U.S., without being Billy Idol. Who the hell takes responsibility for the restaurant?

      And be truthful, Pearl… you did that chick thing where you just HAD to get some sheet that wasn’t on the menu, didn’t you? DIDN’T you?!?

      • blackpearl287

        @Dante_Alexander,

        Not even! lol. He told me they had the best “whatever it was I ordered” there. So I thought to myself (in song: what a wonderful world…nah) I am up for trying new things. Well lo and behold it wasn’t on the menu. I took it in stride, kept it moving, and ordered something new. He damn near cried; I suppose he thought the date was ruined because we couldn’t have “whatever it was he wanted me to order”. All I kept thinkin was “Ninja it’s just some special chicken…is wha de rass.” Hahaha, I chuckle, poor fella!

    • Blue Skyez

      @blackpearl287,

      LMAOOOO!!! I have a co-worker like this. Every third word out of his mouth is “sorry”. He is ALWAYS apologizing for nothing. One day I think he ‘ll apologize because he apologizes so much and acutally say something like “Im sorry that I’m sorry” LOL.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @blackpearl287,

      Once I went on a date with a brotha who apologized for everything- the service at the restaurant, the traffic while we were driving, the dog that was barking too much in the park, the damn air I inhaled. (I exaggerate a tad, but he said sorry one too many times).

      this is one of those things that screams “i work and/or live around ultra liberal white people, and its rubbing off”. i’m saying that because the white people in my neighborhood probably say “im sorry” at least once every five minutes. its like an orgy of apology

      • 8th Wonder

        @The Champ,

        “its like an orgy of apology”

        You are an amazing writer. Not only does this phrase to describe the 2520′s in your neighborhood, but also your sex life! Was that intentional?

        • WordSmith

          @8th Wonder,

          zing!

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @8th Wonder,

          WOWIE!

          Snark overload courtesy of my eTriplet (Twin when T-lee ain’t around)

          Champ, there is NO COMING BACK from this one.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @8th Wonder,

          You are an amazing writer. Not only does this phrase to describe the 2520’s in your neighborhood, but also your sex life! Was that intentional?

          two words: spell check

          • 8th Wonder

            @The Champ,

            Do you need new glasses?

  • charli skipper

    first of all, that picture of the p-popping guy makes my soul die.

    and last but not least, i have to cosign the “sleeper” issue. um….i’ve seen it firsthand. and almost freaked the hell out. it was like i saw bigfoot with my own eyes. i had to go to the bathroom and text all my friends for advice. i actually got mad at the guy. how the hell (!?) do you invite me over here and let me catch a da*n glipmse of THAT!? and–on that note–what the hell is that!? ugh. this was a year ago and i’m still disgusted. and to top it off, this dude turned out to be a jerk later on down the line. my friends still call him….nevermind. we won’t talk about we call him.

    and let me just add that i’m not one of those women who is all concerned with size. it’s not about that. it’s just that…sleepers put women in a very awkward position…

    • miss t-lee

      @charli skipper,
      “first of all, that picture of the p-popping guy makes my soul die.”

      Mine too.
      I’m just glad he didn’t use that other one.

    • Blue Skyez

      @charli skipper,

      “first of all, that picture of the p-popping guy makes my soul die.”

      Can you actually believe that guy is part of recently defunct hypersexual R-n-B boy group called ummm….damn what was their name again? It’s right on the tip of my tongue…anyway his name was Spectacular and he was a “rapper” in the group.

      Oh Yeah They were called Pretty Ricky.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      it’s just that…sleepers put women in a very awkward position…

      how so? i mean, if you’re aware of the metamorphosis and sh*t, where does the awkwardness come from?

      • charli skipper

        @The Champ,
        I wasn’t really aware of the metamorphosis…..maybe i’m part of that 15%. lol….but it’s awkward because if the guy just leaves it sitting there, it’s like a test. you get freaked out but you can’t just suddenly scream out, “oh dear lawd!” like you want to because that would hurt his feelings.

    • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

      @charli skipper,
      wuz wrong with the sleeper lol dont wake him up or its time ta handle bizz.

  • charli skipper

    oh, and as for the topic at hand… um….this is related to the being too nice and the moving too soon points, but it is a major turnoff when a guy is insincere and tries to make himself seem like your super-sensitive everything. like writing love notes and using nicknames like, “my black queen” and other noncute stuff like that. one new guy introduced me to his boss as “the future mrs. __________.” i’m not sure if i hated it because it was not genuine or because it was crazy as h*ll but either way, the padlock came out immediately.

    • Blue Skyez

      @charli skipper,

      LOL this reminds me of a I guy I used to go out with. He actually called me one day to tell me “Tell your daddy thankyou” Me: “For what? why?” He: “Tell him I said thank you for making you.” Overly Cheesy Insincerity = Sahara Desert and Number Lost.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @charli skipper, i call every woman “my black queen”

      just yesterday i said to my white middle aged boss, “my black queen, i’ll have those TPS reports for you later on today”

      she was confused.

      its a sickness. i listened to too much india.arie in my former life. and had a pair of crocheted pants and proposed to deaf women in windows while writing songs about buddies and friends all the time.

      i’m deep. sue me.

      • AngelicNastyness

        @Panama Jackson,
        Ah yes!
        Come Close reference
        It has pleased me.
        Proceed.

  • The Hallway

    Texting all the time instead of calling. Women like the intimacy of a call, the on-your-toes tempo.

    Not knowing how to smack that ass properly.

    Knowing how long to gaze, that awkward staring can spoil the mood or make your potential prey uncomfortable.

    • Double J

      @The Hallway,

      “prey” lol planning on going wild kingdom? Just go into monkey *beep* like Katt Williams. Me myself prefer the Lion strategy.

      • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

        @Double J,

        “Me myself prefer the Lion strategy.”

        Ya know…the Lioness is one bad bish. Yet quite foolish. I’ll be darned if I spend all day hunting, in the heat, and that mo fo gets to eat before me and the kids. lol.

        • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

          @V.E.G.,
          Leo’s

          • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

            @BLUNTBLAZER,

            Virgos.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @pgh muse,

            You spelled “Leos” wrong!

    • Lil’T

      @The Hallway,

      I approve of this message. Nothing says, “I don’t give a sh*t about u” like a text. A pansy smack on the azz WILL cause me to show you how it’s really done (on yo face), and staring = crazy.

      • 8th Wonder

        @Lil’T,

        I’ve missed you.

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @8th Wonder,
          me too. Where ya been T?

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @The Hallway,

      “Texting all the time instead of calling. Women like the intimacy of a call, the on-your-toes tempo.”

      This needs to be said thrice. I get it, ninjas don’t like yapping on the phone, but when it gets to the point where we’re writing novels via text, it’s ridiculous. Everything can’t be discussed with text.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @The Hallway,

      Not knowing how to smack that ass properly.

      this is true. it takes many years to perfect the timing and intensity of an ass smack.

      this is why little boys run around the playground ass smacking indiscriminately. they’re not playing…they’re practicing.

      • luvtheshoes

        @The Champ,

        “this is why little boys run around the playground ass smacking indiscriminately. they’re not playing…they’re practicing.”

        So that’s what my son was doing???? Sheeeeiiiiiitttt…I better check him on that nonsense.

        • The Hallway

          @luvtheshoes,

          What will you check him on?

          Because with the ass smack you must follow through.

          You cannot punk out in mid swing. You must have courage, there is nothing that says “I’m Here” and no one else past or present matters like a well-cultured azz smack. This is why we need fathers in the black community.

          I will be conducting an Ass Smacking Workshop on the Southside of Chicago, in the upcoming weeks. Email me for more info.

          • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

            @The Hallway, hahahaha…

            This is funny. There are many lil’ boys in 3rd grade getting their a$$es handed to them by little girls for pulling this ish. Ya’ll know that in the 3rd grade like 1/3 of the girls in the class are bigger than the boys.

          • luvtheshoes

            @The Hallway,

            I’ll be checking him on the fact that school is not the place to be practicing azz smacking. Matter of fact, ain’t nowhere his 13 year old self needs to be practicing azz smacking.

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @The Champ,
        dam it all makes sense now thas why we used ta back in tha days we was jus perfectin the art

      • The Hallway

        @The Champ,

        Yes, this is true like some sort of technique concerned-game. I prefer the unexpected hard azz smack+a firm grab+to be concluded with a resonance of a slight jiggle(which is determined by the density of the azz, thus providing an diminishing oscillation).

        This smack varies with all sizes, adjust appropriately.

        I believe that’s some S.U.N.K. Sh!t U Need to Know.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @The Hallway, but wait…if you don’t text, you can’t send an LOL…Smiley Face.

      and we all know what they say about the smiley face…

      • The Hallway

        @Panama Jackson,

        Please educate me, what do they say about the smiley face?

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @The Hallway,

          *ahem*

          “B*tches LOVE the Smiley Face* -Ed Wuncler the III

          • The Hallway

            @BlackBerry Molasses,

            Well Blackberry Molasses my function(fn) key has not worked in months.

            What can I do to make up for my lack of symbols?

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

            ummm… ASL smiley face?

        • http://hunnybeezhive.blogspot.com Beez

          @The Hallway,

          Bit*ches love smiley faces.

      • Smiley Face

        @Panama Jackson,

        ‘what do they say about the smiley face?’

        yeah…what DO they say? o_O

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @Smiley Face,

          LOL!