One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in life is Vampire in Brooklyn. It’s one of Eddie Murphy’s dark hours, up there with The Golden Child (which I actually like but is truly terrible) and Pluto Nash on the Asstastic-o-meter. But it was OnDemand and I was bored on Tuesday night so I watched it anyway. It didn’t take long to remember why it sucked, but then my favorite scene came on.
It’s the scene where Maximilian the Caribbean vampire takes over the form of the Reverend Pauly and goes on a rant about evil being good – and more specifically, necessary evil. See he contends that without evil, there is no good, therefore, evil is necessary. To wit:
“Deacon was out on Bushwick last night with a $2 ho. But he had a good time with that $2 ho.
Evil is good. And azz is good. And if you get you a piece of evil azz, WOOO.”
Beautiful music when champagne flutes clink.
Anyway, that scene got me to thinking about necessary evils. And not just $2 hoez either. While those are definitely necessary (and evil) – face it, everybody can’t afford to pay $500 a pop, no pun intended, in these times of economic depression – I just can’t rightfully make a legitimate case for a $2 ho to be something worthy of writing about. You know, aside from the words I’ve already written. Video hoez on the other hand.
I seem to have lost my point.
Ah yes, necessary evils. What makes a necessary evil? To me, it’s one of those things that you wish you didn’t have to deal with, but in reality, you really do need it. I see you looking and asking yourself, what is Panama talking about?
Glad you asked.
1) Tyler Perry
As much as we hate him (though he also has as many people that love him, no real middle ground here), he’s made all of his own movies on his own without the help from any major studios or anything. Which is blatantly obvious by the lack of acting talent most actors display in his movies. I mean, hell, he’s managed to turn decent actors, like Derek Luke, into terrible actors in movies where the plot diverges and reconnects in more retarded ways than a school full of monkeys playing Scrabble with $2 hoez named Sylvia. But alas, if he wasn’t making movies, the only Black movies we’d get per year would be documentaries called Black in America with an ambiguous chick named Soledad who got excited by some sh*t she found on ancestry.com. Yes, Black America, we need Tyler Perry.
By the way, has there ever been a more polarizing individual than Tyler Perry?
They evil because they take away the feeling. But they’re necessary because I mean really with all of the STDs and genetically questionable children running around, a little prevention can go a long way. Just put it in the bag. No Drake.
3) 50 Cent
King of the Evil Empire, he’s actually the only interesting thing going in hip-hop this side of Lil Wayne and his new game show, “Guess My Next Baby Mama”. And by hip-hop, I mean the culture, not his music. But I’ll listen to a 50 Cent interview all day long pal. It’s bound to be entertaining, informational, and he just might be the funniest rapper ever. Without him, we’re stuck listening to people like Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, and T.I. all day. While Lil Wayne is fun, I’m not completely sure HE knows what he’s saying. And Jay is just boring to me now. He’s like A-Rod. All feels rehearsed and sh*t.
4) Apple, Inc.
I’m convinced that Steve Jobs is the king of the Evil Empire but you know what? I just can’t live without my radio iPod. And even if you have some random ass Zune or some other offbrand mp3 player to make a point, it’s because of iPods and Apple. You are carrying around a bootleg mp3 player because iPod exists and you’re ironic.
5) Very Smart Brothas
Sure Panama has pissed off more people than BET, and sure The Champ has told more people to handle his nuts than two squirrels at a Planter’s factory, but have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire what would you do if you could get with the Dogg Pound if we suddenly disappeared? Hate it or love it, it’s not that we can’t stop it’s just that we won’t stop. Plus, where would other motherf*ckers get their inspiration posts from?
6) Suge Knight
No Suge, No Dr. Dre The Chronic. No Chronic. No Snoop and Doggystyle. No Snoop no resurgent Bishop Don Magic Juan. Okay…maybe that’s not all necesary.
Any other necessary evils you can think of? Gimme what you got.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3