Lists, Theory & Essay

Necessary Evils.

sugeknightOne of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in life is Vampire in Brooklyn.  It’s one of Eddie Murphy’s dark hours, up there with The Golden Child (which I actually like but is truly terrible) and Pluto Nash on the Asstastic-o-meter.  But it was OnDemand and I was bored on Tuesday night so I watched it anyway.  It didn’t take long to remember why it sucked, but then my favorite scene came on.

It’s the scene where Maximilian the Caribbean vampire takes over the form of the Reverend Pauly and goes on a rant about evil being good – and more specifically, necessary evil.  See he contends that without evil, there is no good, therefore, evil is necessary. To wit:

“Deacon was out on Bushwick last night with a $2 ho.  But he had a good time with that $2 ho.

Evil is good.  And azz is good.  And if you get you a piece of evil azz, WOOO.”

Beautiful music when champagne flutes clink.

*clink*

Anyway, that scene got me to thinking about necessary evils. And not just $2 hoez either.  While those are definitely necessary (and evil) – face it, everybody can’t afford to pay $500 a pop, no pun intended, in these times of economic depression – I just can’t rightfully make a legitimate case for a $2 ho to be something worthy of writing about.  You know, aside from the words I’ve already written.  Video  hoez on the other hand.

I seem to have lost my point.

Ah yes, necessary evils.  What makes a necessary evil?  To me, it’s one of those things that you wish you didn’t have to deal with, but in reality, you really do need it.  I see you looking and asking yourself, what is Panama talking about?

Glad you asked.

1)  Tyler Perry

As much as we hate him (though he also has as many people that love him, no real middle ground here), he’s made all of his own movies on his own without the help from any major studios or anything.  Which is blatantly obvious by the lack of acting talent most actors display in his movies.  I mean, hell, he’s managed to turn decent actors, like Derek Luke, into terrible actors in movies where the plot diverges and reconnects in more retarded ways than a school full of monkeys playing Scrabble with $2 hoez named Sylvia.  But alas, if he wasn’t making movies, the only Black movies we’d get per year would be documentaries called Black in America with an ambiguous chick named Soledad who got excited by some sh*t she found on ancestry.com.  Yes, Black America, we need Tyler Perry.

By the way, has there ever been a more polarizing individual than Tyler Perry?

2)  Condoms

They evil because they take away the feeling.  But they’re necessary because I mean really with all of the STDs and genetically questionable children running around, a little prevention can go a long way.  Just put it in the bag.  No Drake.

3) 50 Cent

King of the Evil Empire, he’s actually the only interesting thing going in hip-hop this side of Lil Wayne and his new game show, “Guess My Next Baby Mama”.  And by hip-hop, I mean the culture, not his music.  But I’ll listen to a 50 Cent interview all day long pal.  It’s bound to be entertaining, informational, and he just might be the funniest rapper ever.  Without him, we’re stuck listening to people like Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, and T.I. all day.  While Lil Wayne is fun, I’m not completely sure HE knows what he’s saying.  And Jay is just boring to me now.  He’s like A-Rod.  All feels rehearsed and sh*t.

4)  Apple, Inc.

I’m convinced that Steve Jobs is the king of the Evil Empire but you know what?  I just can’t live without my radio iPod.  And even if you have some random ass Zune or some other offbrand mp3 player to make a point, it’s because of iPods and Apple.  You are carrying around a bootleg mp3 player because iPod exists and you’re ironic.

5) Very Smart Brothas

Sure Panama has pissed off more people than BET, and sure The Champ has told more people to handle his nuts than two squirrels at a Planter’s factory, but have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire what would you do if you could get with the Dogg Pound if we suddenly disappeared? Hate it or love it, it’s not that we can’t stop it’s just that we won’t stop.  Plus, where would other motherf*ckers get their inspiration posts from?

6)  Suge Knight

No Suge, No Dr. Dre The Chronic.  No Chronic.  No Snoop and Doggystyle.  No Snoop no resurgent Bishop Don Magic Juan.  Okay…maybe that’s not all necesary.

Any other necessary evils you can think of?  Gimme what  you got.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://www.blacknbougie.com OneChele

    Microsoft – they run the world (poorly) but they run it. You can try to live without a single Microsoft product or deriative, it’s pretty impossible to do

    Winter- Hate the cold, hate the short days but with winter comes Football, Christmas, my birthday and you can’t get to Springtime without it.

    Diddy – he’s an overaged caricature of his former self but without his hustle (okay scramble over fallen soldiers to get to the top) would we appreciate the rap magnates?

    Insects – I hate those things but I’m assured they serve some greater purpose in the world than annoying me

    That’s all I’ve got for now…

    • cam1ll3

      @OneChele,
      i co sign on diddy 50%. he is a necessary evil. minus the necessary.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @OneChele, Diddy is an odd one. Like at this point, what does he even do anymore aside from make terrible music – Dirty Money…for real??? – and have a reality show empire and take publishing from artists? Why is he so important?

      Btw, did you all know that Puffy owns part of Erykah Badu’s publishing? Look at the songwriting credits in her albums and you will see Janice Combs Publishing. LOL. He’s everywhere.

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @OneChele,

      “Insects”

      Yup! Especially spiders. I hate them mofos, but I really hate to imagine a world where potentially grosser insects rule the world because there are no webs to catch them little hoodlums.

  • http://www.je-music.com Joe E

    lol, as a zune owner i resent the offbrand branding…though i did choose zune in response to seeing bad reviews for the ipod. so point made…

    i wonder, though…would the world really be bad w/o all those things you mentioned (especially mr perry, who i’ll admit is a gift and a curse)? it’s like when people say societies need enemies if only to justify their existence.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Joe E, lol, as a zune owner i resent the offbrand branding…though i did choose zune in response to seeing bad reviews for the ipod. so point made…

      who gave the iPod bad reviews? Zune owners??/ LMAO.

      • Me fail english?

        @Panama Jackson,

        lol. I think even Bill Gates owns an iPod

        *joking…but I wouldnt be surprised*

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @Me fail english?,

          I remember reading some article a while back about him refusing to have Apple products in his house. That included his kids owning iPods.

          LMFAO. #saltyBillGates

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Me fail english?, you know he has one. he probably just built a Zune case around it.

          or he just considers it “research”

  • http://ThinkPrettySmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

    Viacom! They’re responsible for so much foolishness on TV but without them, we’d be stuck…without them. And without them, we wouldn’t have Flavor Flav on TV in this millennium. Without Flav, we wouldn’t have Ray. J., Frankie and Neffie, or any other other shows I refuse to watch but have heard of just so I know what not to turn to. See, I have standards!

    Oh and without Viacom, Bravo wouldn’t have taken the leap into the ‘reality’ unscripted programming genre. Without that, we wouldn’t have the Real Housewives franchise. And without them, we would have no…wait for it…She by Sheree or Closet Freak. We wouldn’t know we can ‘Fly Above’ all the haters. And most we certainly wouldn’t know that it’s bordering on a sin to be ‘Tardy For The Party’. And really, isn’t the world better for having all those things?!

    • cam1ll3

      @Ms. Smart,

      where you bring up a valid point…i’m really wishing kim had been a little more tardy for the party. bleh.

    • Soula Powa

      @Ms. Smart,

      I thought Viacom was a necessary evil as well. But after reading that impassioned post, I’m sure they ARE just evil. Thanks.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @Soula Powa, welcome and sh*t

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Ms. Smart, But none of that is evil. LOL. I mean, isn’t youre life better knowing that Flavor Flav and Ray J have leagues of ridiculous women fighting over them?

      I know mine is. Though I will say Frankie and Neffie’s rise to fame is a bit troubling for me. It’s just more proof that Black folks cannot escape crack.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Panama Jackson,

        i’m at the point where i can officially admit that i’m a fan of for the love of ray j. other than the office, curb your enthusiasm, and inside the nba with gary payton and chris webber, no other show makes me laugh as much

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @The Champ, i been tried to told ya. that show is more unintentional comedy than you can throw three midgets at. between Ray J’s oft changing voice inflections and the ridiculousness he forces them women to participate in (and the fact that they do it), its like watching the American Dream in its purest form.

        • nia

          I just liked watching Ray J’s bewildered expression when he realized his beloved angel Danger SMASHED THE HOMIES.

        • CleverScreenName

          @The Champ,

          “Other than the office, curb your enthusiasm and inside the nba with gary payton and chris webber…”

          Damn, two of my three favorite shows (Sportscenter is the other). I laugh my @$$ off watching Gary and Chris. They are 43.6% of the reason I have NBA TV. The day they were on TNT with Chuck and Kenny and Chris Webber beatboxed while Gary and Kenny had a dance off… their random musing about games… EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT!!! They are the most hilarious duo of commentators in the history of sports. And you can tell they’re just having a good time. I really hope that the rest of the world doesn’t catch on, because they’ll get moved to another station and forced to change because they’re too “Edgy” or “insult the players too much”, or “aren’t talking about basketball, at all.”

          You know what? That’s my response to Panama’s post. Improvisation and complete lack of decorum is a necessary evil. Not necessary to society, but certainly to good sports broadcasting. And really, aren’t sports necessary to society? how else would we justify the existence of people like Shaq (7′ 1.5″, 350 lbs… acts like a kid). Without basketball wouldn’t he be locked up somewhere Hannibal Lecter style, far far away from any children he might be so inclined to snack on?

          So sports are necessary to justify the presence of freaks of nature. But they’re evil because Shaq earns somewhere around 2% of the GDP while not actually contributing anything of real substance to society. More to the point, he earns about 1200 times what I make in a year and I’m sure that my job is more necessary to society than his. Yeah, I’m hatin. Shaq is still evil, though.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @Panama Jackson,

        The Flavoverse and all the other subsequent “Of Love” (sans Rock of Love…didn’t get into that for some reason) shows have definitely made my life better. Those shows are so quotable. I still to this day use New York’s “blist” instead of “bliss”.

        • http://ThinkPrettySmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

          @Cheekie, You want some ‘lip chap’?

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Ms. Smart,

            *high five*

            There’s another I use. I can’t even say ChapStick no’ mo’. lol

            Or “You mad, huh?”

  • 8th Wonder

    Kids- sure, they cry, they are constantly hungry, and you have to wipe their asses for them for a while, but one day you’ll get too old to wipe your own ass, and then I’m sure they’ll come in handy.

    Flavor Flav- I can think of no better person’s life to reference as a cautionary tale for one on the brink of a level of coondom you just cannot come back from.

    Jobs- Nobody likes pissing 40+ hrs of their lives away on a weekly basis for over 50% of their lives with people they can barely stand, but when payday comes, it allll makes sense.

    • cam1ll3

      @8th Wonder,

      codamnsign on jobs.

      cogatdamnsign.

    • NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox..

      @8th Wonder, Man you took jobs right on away from me…but u made a valid ass point!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @8th Wonder, Flavor Flav will have college courses based around him at some point. Mark my words.

      He’s been apart of one of the most important rap groups ever and been a spearhead of one of the most ridiculous trends ever at the same time.

      Plus he wore a clock. Anybody who rocks a clock is worth talking about.

  • http://fromselahwithlove@blogspot.com Selah

    “Plus, where would other motherf*ckers get their inspiration posts from?”

    shots fired? lol. oh How I love this place.

    • http://keepittrill.blogspot.com/ Kit (Keep It Trill)

      @Selah, I co-sign.

      Every now and then I run across a blog with your writing styles, and think, “Champ? Panama? Is that you in disguise?”

      Then I look again and think – with the music of The Real Slim Shady in the background – nah, it ain’t them.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @Kit (Keep It Trill), Every now and then I run across a blog with your writing styles, and think, “Champ? Panama? Is that you in disguise?”

        sheeeeeeeeeit, me too.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Kit (Keep It Trill),

        Every now and then I run across a blog with your writing styles, and think, “Champ? Panama? Is that you in disguise?”

        sh*t, there have been times when i’ve thought i was getting Alzheimers because i read some sh*t that i could have swore i actually wrote, but couldn’t remember actually writing it.

        then, i remembered that shark n*ggaz do exist.

        • HUPirate in NY

          @The Champ,

          Thats a damn shame bruh! I really do enjoy reading this blog daily at work while i eat my lunch. its very humorous, but yet you both always seem to make relevant points that might not be thought about. Good work and keep the good writing alive. its great you all are writers and not biters

      • Selah

        @Kit (Keep It Trill),

        exaaaactly. sadly I have one such site on my blogroll cuz it’s funny…. but funny in a “you sound like champ and pj which is why i think you’re funny” kind of way.

    • miss t-lee

      @Selah,
      Shots fired alright….like a hand cannon…lmao

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Selah, what are these fired shots of which you speak?

      shots fired is a way of inciting a response.

      i just speak the truth.

      you don’t…wanna f*ck with PJ (cuz why?)…cuz PJ….will f*ckin’ flame you…

      • Selah

        @Panama Jackson,

        See cheekie’s response. plz and thank you. lol

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Selah,

      I definitely saw those shots. Those shots were going in slow-mo, like in the Matrix.

      • Selah

        @Cheekie,

        LOL!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @Cheekie, except the intended targets of the shots will be hit.

        “…and for the right price, i can even make your sh*t tighter…”

        • miss t-lee

          @Panama Jackson,
          Holy ish!!! I’m listening to vol 2 right now…
          crazy…lol

  • Hot Buttered Rum

    BEYONCE
    She’s evil…you see her everywhere you go & it’s inevitable…I can’t go a day without seeing something about her, the blogs stay on her nuts…EVIL

    But she’s necessary because without her we’d be stuck listening to Umbrella & some random J.Lo songs. & in real life, she’s an “okay” role model for the little ones.

    Ooh btw, I LOVE this blog, I a new commentor though :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Hot Buttered Rum, welcome and sh*t

      Beyonce is so necessary. If she didn’t exist, who else would so many people hate on???

      and this blog loves you.

      you should get with Hot Buttered Soul and make an album called Rum & Soul.

      btw, i have no idea who Hot Buttered Soul is or even if that person exist, but it was a damn good album title.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Hot Buttered Rum,

      hot buttered deez

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @The Champ,

        lmao

        That sounds like some updated more-painful Al Green type ish.

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    Ikea. I love that place. I hate the crazy foreigners who are always there when I’m there (because those mofos don’t ever watch what they’re doing and end up bumping in to me at least 5 times while there, causing me to get ninja-like and sh*t…).

    Its a necessary evil though. After all, when I moved into my apartment, and my buns needed new pots/glassware/curtains/shelves/(insert other random household item)…they had the ish cheaper than everywhere else.

    The extra evil comes from my apparent obsession with the store. I cannot drive by without going in there. I cannot go in there without buying something, even if it is a delicious openface egg salad sandwich (my arteries hate me about now)… And that’s what makes it super evil.

    Honorable mentions: public restrooms. Evilly dirty; but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

    • cam1ll3

      @chaoticdiva,

      but i heart ikea… <3 …see?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @chaoticdiva, you view IKEA like I used to view the CD Depot in College Park, MD. I have their phone number programmed into my phone so i can call to check up on certain titles.

      I’d go in and drop 100 bucks off the okeydoke. Every time. I probably spend thousands in there on albums and CDs. Glad I stopped driving up Baltimore Avenue.

      then i discovered illegal downloading and its been on like donkey kong ever since.

    • Me fail english?

      @chaoticdiva,

      “Ikea. I love that place. I hate the crazy foreigners who are always there”

      lol @ Ikea’s clientele. I feel like 99% of all the Scandanavian (Nordic?) people I’ve met in my life have been while I was in Ikea. I feel like they never really leave past the parking lot. Which explains the on-site cafeteria…

    • http://ThinkPrettySmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

      @chaoticdiva, OMG! Ikea is EVIL. But where the hell else can I buy picture frames on the cheap? Also, what’s up with the elderly?? I typically go there during the day and dammit, if the AARP isn’t ALWAYS hosting some type of effing rally in the self-serve section! Ugh!!!

  • Shaymarie

    Walmart. Honestly cannot stand that place and the way they treat their employees is a damn shame…but where would the world be without rollbacks?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Shaymarie, At Target.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Shaymarie,

      welcome and sh*t

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      @Shaymarie, I feel you. but I actually had a work stint at wally world in undergrad and thats how I justify it. they treated me and my peers just fine. plus there are no super targets where I live so walmart supercenter has it on lock! you can get groceries, and all the extras that cost too much at regular grocery stores all in one trip! viva la convenience.

      I effs with Target too though because they have starbucks inside them.

  • cam1ll3

    fb, myspace, twitter and all other online communication communities that we seem to be attached to by way of umbilical cord…or am i alone there? anyway, evil but ohhh sooooo necesssary.

    ps. ben and jerry’s ny superfudge chunk ice cream. satan’s finest dairy product, yet necessary for my self comforting process.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @cam1ll3, naw, you’re right. Social networking is like cell phones in the late 90s. if you’re not on, then you’re the liability.

      • BKSweetheart

        @Panama Jackson, @cam1ll3 – Yeah well Facebook is apparently more necessary than ever since its helpin ninjas with alibis and sh*t

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @BKSweetheart, or f*ckin’ alibis up.

          • BKSweetheart

            @Panama Jackson, yeah so next time I’m about to rob a KFC, I’ll just make sure I bring my laptop and update my status real quick to say some ish like “I hate fried chicken yo, i’m bout to go to Jamba Juice”

            Throw them the old okey doke, ya mean?? LOL.

    • Me fail english?

      @cam1ll3,

      I think I’m the one alone in that I dont see them as necessary at all. I was never on myspace. I have an fb page that I updated for like a week in February ’05 and never effed with again (unless I got tagged to a pic or friend requested). And I had like a 4 month love affair with Twitter that is pretty much done. I just dont like ppl having all that damn access. Bah-humbug (I am old).

      • cam1ll3

        @Me fail english?,

        you’re not old, you’re a rebel. jury’s still out on twitter for me. but fb? yeah i went w/o for a week and felt bad. it’s unnatural i know, but…

  • Shay-D-Lady

    first off I looooove the Golden Child! and how dare you put it in the same class as pluto nash! did pluto nash have a half dragon half asian( a bit redundant) psychic? …I didn’t think so!
    my list
    convenience stores-high as hell miniature versions of bullshyt but hey without them where else cand you get cigarillo’s a slushy and hot cheetos at 3 in the morning?
    texting…it promotes horrible speech and writing habits but it sure comes in handy
    George W Bush no G Dubb no Obama..nuff said
    I’m tired be back round noon with some more….

    • charli skipper

      @Shay-D-Lady,
      cosign on the convenience stores and text messaging.

    • cam1ll3

      @Shay-D-Lady,

      i second the convenience store chedda rape-age. 2 condoms for 5 dollas?! i could just get a store bag and save myself some damn money. it won’t fit as nice, but damn!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Shay-D-Lady, You might love Golden Child, but that dont make it good.

      • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

        @Panama Jackson, LOL. so true, I love that movie too. “my dear sweet brother numsie!”

    • http://sjeaspeaks.blogspot.com SexyCool

      @Shay-D-Lady,

      I-I-I-I-I-I want the kniiiiifee……pleeeeeaasssseeee!!!