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Must Be Jelly.

With all of that talk yesterday about getting in trouble for not thinking (i.e. telling your significant other that you told your best friend something first), I got to pondering. And when Panama gets to pondering, pwatch out.

As a full service edutainment center, we can’t just run around and provide you reasons to debate all willy nilly without sometimes providing answers. Solutions, if you will.

McCain: Do you know who provides solutions?

That one.

(pointing to Panama)

Oh yeah.

So say you find yourself on the outs with your significant other. Let’s say that they caught you in a lie and have pictures of you, another person, two bananas, and a sock puppet that bears a ridiculous resemblance to Tickle Me Elmo. So of course they’re ready to let you go. But they need closure. Who doesn’t?

(Actually me. I get my closure when I peace you out.)

They want to have one final talk. You know what this means don’t you? They’re just WAITING for you to convince them that you really do love them. Any person who is going to give you an opportunity to explain your f*ckedupedness really doesn’t want to leave you. However, they realize that if they take you back without at least putting up a fight of some sort, it makes them look weak. They need a show.

So give it to ‘em.

Panama Presents…Get Out of Jam, Oh Jam, Teddy Jam 4 Me

1) Go to God.

A surefire way to always buy yourself some time is to tell your significant other that you prayed about your problems and God told you to change – as in, you’ve seen the error of your ways. I promise it always works. I tried it 4 times just this morning. For one, who can argue with God? If they do, they look like a heathen (which means you can probably hit on the spot. Score!) Plus, if they really want you back, they’ll ACTUALLY believe that you mean it. I suggest getting more animated as you explain. Hell, give a sermon and really sell it.

It also might help if you hold the Bible in your hand the whole time you’re talking. But put it down before you get some of that biblical lovin’.

2) Blame them.

I don’t know why more people don’t try this. You see, if you’re dealing with somebody who wants you back anyway, it’s TOTALLY possible that you can convince them that you messed up because of their own actions or lack thereof. For effect, throw in a bunch of non-sequiturs.  That way they really have no clue what’s going on. Peep game:

Panama: Girl, if you had just considered how much stress I had then perhaps you’d understand why I make Kool-Aid for my family. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but nothing’s as wrong as the night I kept you guessing. I mean, I-I-I have never been in love. Before. What a difference a true love made in my life. Big wheels keep on turning. Do you understand how much I love you girl?

Chick: No. But you’re right. I should have been more considerate. How about some steamed broccoli.

Panama: No baby. Make me some lasagna if you love me.

End scene.

And probably THE most effective:

3) Get defensive and don’t let her talk.

As long as you’re talking they can’t complain. Tell her that you thought she was a woman and could handle dating a real man with real responsibilities. Or tell him that a real man who handles his business would know that no one on the corner has swagger like us. Pretty soon she’ll be unzipping your trousers in a broom closet right before you go on stage to perform with your bandmates.

Or wait, was that The Five Heartbeats.

Me no know.

So I provided a short template for you. What are some surefire tactics to get out of a jam? And it doesn’t even have to be a relationship fixer. What about a date who’s thinking foul thoughts and you don’t want to ruin that free dinner? Or the late night goodies?

Commence.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is a co-founder of VSB and co-author of Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://yousmelllikenj.blogspot.com J.R. Bernard

    If you have a good friend that is close with your significant other, you can let them do the talking for you. Many times this has gotten me out of a jam. I guess it always matters when you hear ish from someone else rather than the person your talking to. Case in point:

    Me: I was out handling business.
    Her: But there are facebook pictures of you at the club with that girl.
    Me: Exactly. And I didn’t wanna go. It was just to show support. I’d rather have just been with you. I didn’t tell you because I know you’d get mad.
    Her: Whatever.

    (Scoreless.)

    vs.

    Frat brother: He was out handling business.
    Her: But there are facebook pictures of him at the club with that girl.
    Frat brother: Exactly. And he didn’t wanna go. It was just to show support. He complained to me about having to go, because he couldn’t spend his free time with you. He didn’t tell you because he knew you’d get mad.
    Her: Really?
    Frat brother: Really.

    (Score.)

    • http://sugahoney.blogspot.com suga

      *making a note* Never listen to what your S.O.’s friends have to say. They’re just as much of a heathen as he is.

      Back in the day, my ex had one of his football teammates call me to explain about how my SO was like a father figure to the whole team, their confidante, mentor, spiritual advisor, blah blah blah…so he couldn’t possibly have been scrumpin’ the campus skank every Tuesday after practice. He led the prayer for the team before every game for Christ’s sake. How could such a holy man be such a ho?

      I guess he was a holy ho, because dude stuck his peen in anybody who would let him…right after he prayed for the team. *smh*

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “holy ho”

        definitely going into the vsb.com glossary

        • miss t-lee

          I know a few of these. Men and women…lmao

        • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

          “holy ho”

          definitely going into the vsb.com glossary

          Is it right next to “conference call ho”?

      • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

        “Holy Hoes” oughta have a roped off pew section in church. Hmm… then again, 3/4 of any given church may have to be roped off.

        Yeah I said it. Why? B/c Im bored

      • http://yousmelllikenj.blogspot.com J.R. Bernard

        I’m not saying I’m a holy ho, just sayin that havin someone else say ish for you automatically legitimizes what you’re saying, whether it be for good or bad. Dunno why it works, but it does. Kinda like a dog whisperer that sings a dog to sleep.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “If you have a good friend that is close with your significant other, you can let them do the talking for you.”

      this is tricky though. you need to make sure you employ a friend who won’t mess things up for you worse.

      • eff yo couch

        Didn’t this type of situation happen in the movie “The Best Man”, where the good buddy ended up effing his boy’s woman?

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          yeah…taye diggs (who’s constantly messing up in movies) schlumped morris chesnutt’s fiancee back when they were in college (before they were engaged). his dumb ass wrote about it and got caught…so its not the same situation since taye diggs basically outed himself like ole dumb lookin’ boy.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      in high school, my best friend and i had this system too. we’d always run damage control for one another.

      though usually it was him running damage control on one my girlfriends and me running damage control to his mother.

      but everybody plays their role, right?

      • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

        smitching on himself “ol’ snitches provoking their own stitches lookin’ boy”

        …missed y’all today by the way

  • http://www.igville.blogspot.com V.E.G.

    This post was just plain ignant. Omg. I cackled at so many different points.

    Kudos.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      well thank you kindly, ma’am. i believe that ignance is the future.

      people don’t say “cackle” enough.

      • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

        “i believe that ignance is the future”

        I’ve been saying this for years. Glad you have joined the IG movement.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          i started this ignant sh*t, and this the motherf*cking thanks i get?

          lol. you should read some of my old posts from back in ’04 to really understand the depths of my ignance.

          • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

            LMAO PLEASE! Me and my friends been calling ourselves the IGs since 2002. We even got a group blog now called “House of IG” (http://igville.blogspot.com). THAT is how official we is.

            VEG and KindredSmile also write on that blog.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              yeah i seen your blog…i done run thru it, ya dig.

              only in Black america do folks have a debate about who was ignorant first. which is completely moot considering how OJ Simpson started this whole ignorant sh*t years ago.

              free OJ.

              • miss t-lee

                Okay this is “Free OJ” 2 days in a row…
                I pray you aren’t serious…lol

              • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

                Ignance is different from IGNORANCE. I need folks to recognize that. IGnance is foolishness, but e smart so we not ignorant. OJ is just a hot tomfoolery. His level of stupidity is truly off the charts.

                And I wonder if someone named “Bubba” made OJ his bottom b*tch yet.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                “yeah i seen your blog…i done run thru it, ya dig.”

                yeah. everybody’s run thru it a few times, even my mans and dem

              • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

                Can we please not free OJ?? Please?? I swear that negro has been giving me nightmares for the last 14 years.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                what’s wrong with freeing OJ? and why has he been giving YOU nightmares. he killed the Ron and Nicole. what’d he ever do to you?!?!?!

              • miss t-lee

                “yeah i seen your blog…i done run thru it, ya dig.”

                “yeah. everybody’s run thru it a few times, even my mans and dem”

                This truly made me chuckle.

              • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

                Don’t know who was first, but I know Panama has REALLY been ignant for years. And I like Luvvie’s blog too. I’ve ran through that joint a few times…even left my mark…lol.

          • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

            Champ, are you calling my blog the online equivalence of Lil Kim???

            I may have to put an embargo on Champ’s daily toast. See how you function!

        • Intellectual Hedonist

          and here I believed that “children were the future”

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            who told you that poppycock?

            • Intellectual Hedonist

              George Benson and he was backed up by Whitney Houston (before crack)

          • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

            EXACTLY!! Thats rubbish and jabbatantis. Dont tell people feed you “hope and dreams”. Whats that for??

  • http://www.igville.blogspot.com V.E.G.

    Okay to answer the question posed:

    In a relationship situation: you can try getting mad at them and telling them you’ve wanted to break up for a while anyway. This would prolly have them beggin’ you to give them another chance. Flip the script~

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      lol…this is dirty

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      but its dirty so good. gar.

  • http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

    How about don’t get in a jam in the first place??

    But, when I do get in a jam…I ignore the HELLZ out of it. Subtle denial. Smile sweetly and carry on, refusing to talk about it. Who is he going to argue with, himself? LOL…

    • willnotbetelevised

      ooh yea, thats good too. I used to use that on my mom when I was a teenager. Why you screaming? I need to start my homework. I know its midnight but I brought you a cheesecake so I don’t know what your problem is. You dont want the cheesecake? I’m sorry I thought you liked that flavor. Oh well I’ll eat mine and write my paper. Goodnight.

      Fux people up

      I still hate you for having my initials and making me wonder if I had split personalities on the internet.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

        Oh yes. This is you talking to you.

        Now, go take your pills.

        • willnotbetelevised

          I mixed them up today. No wonder I can’t remember writing shit. Damn, and now i’m saying I should take some more. Oh well I’m having fun.

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

      You have the top 3 already on the list. I also like PBG’s choice–ignore. Fake the funk and pretend like every thing is status quo.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I ignore the HELLZ out of it. Subtle denial. Smile sweetly and carry on, refusing to talk about it. Who is he going to argue with, himself? LOL…”

      i dont throat punch, but this might get you butt punched

      • miss t-lee

        ::snicker::

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

        i dont throat punch, but this might get you butt punched.

        And I might like it.

        You gotta know what I value in order to know in which currency to deal w/me, Mister Champs. ;)

        • Intellectual Hedonist

          PBG you beat me to the punch… speak it

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      How about don’t get in a jam in the first place??

      that’s like telling a monkey not to swing in a tree. somethings just aren’t feasible.

      remember, we’re only human. flesh and blood, a man…

      or better yet, that’s like telling Bristol Palin to use a rubber…sure it sounds good in theory but you know it won’t work.

      • Intellectual Hedonist

        SMH

      • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

        “remember, we’re only human. flesh and blood, a man… ” Thanks for the Human League/Jeffrey Osborne reference

        • PBG

          I don’t even think “Human League” anymore when I see this reference. It’s totally a Zo and Tigallo thing for me now. LOL!

          • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

            I love you my fellow LB Stan….

      • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

        “that’s like telling Bristol Palin to use a rubber…sure it sounds good in theory but you know it won’t work.”

        ROFLMAO

  • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

    I half a$$ apologize and then get mad at him for not being an adult and accepting my apology and expecting me to be perfect all the time….if that dosent work.. I give him some head….since its not that regular an occurrence and I am very rarely wrong it works like a charm..LMAO

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “i give him some head….since its not that regular an occurrence and I am very rarely wrong it works like a charm..LMAO”

      :(

    • SouthernCharm

      oooooh that’s hateful!

    • eff yo couch

      “….if that dosent work.. I give him some head….since its not that regular an occurrence and I am very rarely wrong it works like a charm..LMAO”

      I used to go with this one girl that would give me head everytime she effed up. Let’s just say the last time she effed up she ended up with something in her eye and me still walking out on her. Now that what I call a happy ending

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        “…then i bust in her e-y-e…”

        yo, eff…you dead wrong.

        but funny.

        • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

          Hahahahahahahahaha!!

        • http://yousmelllikenj.blogspot.com J.R. Bernard

          lmao. i was thinkin’ the same thing.

      • miss t-lee

        Dayum…

        • http://www.myspace.com/bbgirl180 Thema

          lol

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I used to go with this one girl that would give me head everytime she effed up. Let’s just say the last time she effed up she ended up with something in her eye and me still walking out on her. Now that what I call a happy ending”

        this is the best thing i’ve heard all day

      • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

        brilliant

    • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

      horrible

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      I wish more of my brothas was like Eff. Don’t let head (or sex) confuse the issue. Hold your head (no pun).

  • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

    ok, first of all, this is the only time I can comment cuz after a zillion of u muhfuggas get to clicking, my smart phone goes dumb and doesn’t have enough free storage to support even opening this joint…

    (randomness: I wish I was really in the corner right now…butt nekit, making breakfast burritos…did somebody just growl? damn!…end randomness)

    Jam…for real, I don’t get into those…cuz they don’t make ‘em like me no-more…but for the sake of participation, if I were getting sticky…ummmmm…I mean in a “jam” with a loved one, I would fip it…I would figure out how whateer I did was just a re-action to their (in)action and rationalize that sh1t until I was knee deep in “slow singing and flower bringing”…when I get done pretending to be a victim of circumstance, he will be feeling like david ruffin singing “aint to proud to beg” to otis nim…scratch that old eddie cane! “nights like this…i-i wish…that raindrops would fa-aa-aaa-l!” looking boy, feeling like he eff’d up asking me for a second chance, when I know GOOD and d@mn h3ll well I was probably wrong-er a monique in spandex just cuz u aint never said nothing slick to a can of oil! ni99a!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      you had me at butt-naked breakfast burrito.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      did you consult your Blackness before writing this? i feel 10 percent Blacker after reading your comment.

    • http://lifeofaworkingmom.blogspot.com/ bballmom

      ok, I could barely follow this for laughing at your crazy behind.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      And this is why you’re crazy…lol

  • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

    A+ for how a dam#n Jeffrey Osborne/LTD song ended up in this post. WOW and WOW. lol

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      Hey that joint is a classic though..and shout out to guy for teddy jam…dom dom diddy!!!

      • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

        im over here cue’in these songs on youtube like a retard who needs to go to bed.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “im over here cue’in these songs on youtube like a retard who needs to go to bed.”

          how exactly does a sleepy retard listen to music? like, do they have special dances or something?

          • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

            “do they have special dances or something?”

            no they just do chair swivels and pirouets

            • Peyso

              the mental image was very amusing

      • SouthernGirl

        dom dom diddy!!!

        you are a fool. lol.

    • V Renee

      I fcuking LOVE JO and LTD. I may have to pull out my CD (that I stole years ago from my daddy)……….

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        yeah, you can’t go wrong with LTD.

        • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

          sho can’t.. you had me listening to little nia’s interpretive love ballet song and dance.

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjHpenOe1Hc

          her gestures are PRICELESS

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

            I absolutely love Little Nia. She is a doll baby!

          • SouthernGirl

            OMG!!!!!!!! Cute.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      lol. thanks. i love getting A+’s. they make life worth living.

      the funny part about that is it was just random as hell. i just started writing song lyrics…LOL.

  • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

    i got moderated cuz of d@mn? d@amn….
    @shady good one on the half @ss apology and the attack on adulthood…when ni99as challenge ur grown-ness u feel a need to prove them wrong…even if u r right…lol…classic! (slow clap) and…ummmm…gmail me about ur pickle…

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      WHASSSUP GOODE!!!!!

    • http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

      Hey Goodie!

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      i got moderated too, and i don’t like it…dangit. (lol) i didn’t even cuss.

  • http://bourgieadventures.wordpress.com LisaAngelaPamelaRenee

    With my ex, one way to always get out of a jam was to just be quiet. He couldn’t stand the silent treatment. Not saying anything was worse than talking because he couldn’t figure out what I was thinking. It was killing him. Particularly because I’m normally very talkative. His mind would race and he’d eventually capitulate just so I could break my silence.

    Another thing I do is defer to my career/schooling. Something like, “this is what I need(ed) to do for ME. I need to focus on my career and making something for myself. I’ve worked so hard, blah blah blah.” nobody wants to be the dream killer. No matter what, they’ll come out as the bad guy for trying to hold you back, no matter how many times the story is retold. They’ll have to reconcile or risk looking like an impossible tyrant.

    • aja

      With my ex, one way to always get out of a jam was to just be quiet. He couldn’t stand the silent treatment. Not saying anything was worse than talking because he couldn’t figure out what I was thinking. It was killing him. Particularly because I’m normally very talkative. His mind would race and he’d eventually capitulate just so I could break my silence.

      Oh yeah, ive used this one too and it works like a charm. Once you get quiet..they dont know what your thinking or “plotting”. After awhile they just give up and drop it.

      *grins*

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        yeah, folks know i’m pissed when i http://www.zipit.com. i’m always talking about something.

        when i shut down, its a problem.

        • Peyso

          Austin Powers was a very funny movie

    • Coco Chic

      LMAO! I second that!

      Also, when your quiet make the sad face or the angry face. Crying a little helps too. A lot of dudes hate to see a woman crying.

      *Note: The crying thing does not always work. My ex had sisters who used this tactic all the time so he was immune.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Also, when your quiet make the sad face or the angry face. Crying a little helps too. A lot of dudes hate to see a woman crying.”

        a sad woman can guilt trip me much easier than an angry one can. its not even close.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        you know, the only woman that bothers me crying is my momma. the rest of y’all can just save the crocodile tears b/c they really don’t work on me. i have three sisters. three. i’ve seen enough tears to start my own aquifer.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      um…am i safe in assuming that you’re a girl from around the way?

      • miss t-lee

        I caught that as well…lol

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      I love your screen name. Sweet!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

    look if y’all don’t start correcting your typos i’m gonna beat both your a$$es. i might be short and all, but i have bionic powers. don’t y’all want to be on ellen’s couch one day? don’t you want to put this in your portfolio? uh huh, then get yo shite together!

    with regards to the post… crying always works. but i can’t fake cry, i’m just saying that when the tears flow, most men come to their senses about their jerkdom. if they don’t, then do like panama and peace out, and never ever talk to them again.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “look if y’all don’t start correcting your typos i’m gonna beat both your a$$es. i might be short and all, but i have bionic powers. don’t y’all want to be on ellen’s couch one day? don’t you want to put this in your portfolio? uh huh, then get yo shite together!”

      thank you, general pattycakes

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      typo deez.

      • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

        LMAO!!!

      • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

        “typo deez” made me snort. lol

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

        LMAO!!

        Any mention of “deez” just makes me lose it!

    • eff yo couch

      “with regards to the post… crying always works. but i can’t fake cry, i’m just saying that when the tears flow, most men come to their senses about their jerkdom”

      I have a problem with this statement. Why are the male being accused of “jerkdom” when it was the woman’s fault to begin with (this time)? When the males eff up we will hear that shyt years after the fact. This is just another example of double standards rearing it’s ugly head. I blame the public school system and Jim Jones of course. If men have to own up to their effed up mishaps, so could the women.

      BTW, thanks you ladies for sharing your trade secrets. I plan on using these in the near future.
      muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha <- that’s my trademark Dr Evil laugh

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        speaking of Jim Jones, did you all read about how he’s claiming to the be the inspiration for today’s current stylings of “rock-n-roll” apparrel? which to me includes skinny jeans, something he clowned Kanye for a few years back.

        for the record, i do think that ANY DUDE wearing skinny jeans should be clowned to no end.

        • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

          I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago called Things Grown Men Should Not Wear and skinny jeans are definitely on that list.

        • eff yo couch

          skinny jeans = man-dex

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          reason number 63834 why he’s the worst person on earth

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=747670340&ref=name PBG

          Speaking of Kanye, did anyone besides me notice his gay-ass new haircut? I saw him on Ellen yesterday and couldn’t concentrate on the interview because of that bad decision sitting up on top of his head.

          • miss t-lee

            I want him to lockdown his voice and that hair.

            • willnotbetelevised

              I love love lockdown. I’m going to hide in the corner now…..

              Oh wait, in another corner. One minus Goodeness.

    • http://igville.blogspot.com Luvvie

      Yeah TypoCop has noticed a couple of these typos but I figured let it slide because, well I got too lazy to point them out.