Must Be Jelly.

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With all of that talk yesterday about getting in trouble for not thinking (i.e. telling your significant other that you told your best friend something first), I got to pondering. And when Panama gets to pondering, pwatch out.

As a full service edutainment center, we can’t just run around and provide you reasons to debate all willy nilly without sometimes providing answers. Solutions, if you will.

McCain: Do you know who provides solutions?

That one.

(pointing to Panama)

Oh yeah.

So say you find yourself on the outs with your significant other. Let’s say that they caught you in a lie and have pictures of you, another person, two bananas, and a sock puppet that bears a ridiculous resemblance to Tickle Me Elmo. So of course they’re ready to let you go. But they need closure. Who doesn’t?

(Actually me. I get my closure when I peace you out.)

They want to have one final talk. You know what this means don’t you? They’re just WAITING for you to convince them that you really do love them. Any person who is going to give you an opportunity to explain your f*ckedupedness really doesn’t want to leave you. However, they realize that if they take you back without at least putting up a fight of some sort, it makes them look weak. They need a show.

So give it to ‘em.

Panama Presents…Get Out of Jam, Oh Jam, Teddy Jam 4 Me

1) Go to God.

A surefire way to always buy yourself some time is to tell your significant other that you prayed about your problems and God told you to change – as in, you’ve seen the error of your ways. I promise it always works. I tried it 4 times just this morning. For one, who can argue with God? If they do, they look like a heathen (which means you can probably hit on the spot. Score!) Plus, if they really want you back, they’ll ACTUALLY believe that you mean it. I suggest getting more animated as you explain. Hell, give a sermon and really sell it.

It also might help if you hold the Bible in your hand the whole time you’re talking. But put it down before you get some of that biblical lovin’.

2) Blame them.

I don’t know why more people don’t try this. You see, if you’re dealing with somebody who wants you back anyway, it’s TOTALLY possible that you can convince them that you messed up because of their own actions or lack thereof. For effect, throw in a bunch of non-sequiturs.  That way they really have no clue what’s going on. Peep game:

Panama: Girl, if you had just considered how much stress I had then perhaps you’d understand why I make Kool-Aid for my family. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but nothing’s as wrong as the night I kept you guessing. I mean, I-I-I have never been in love. Before. What a difference a true love made in my life. Big wheels keep on turning. Do you understand how much I love you girl?

Chick: No. But you’re right. I should have been more considerate. How about some steamed broccoli.

Panama: No baby. Make me some lasagna if you love me.

End scene.

And probably THE most effective:

3) Get defensive and don’t let her talk.

As long as you’re talking they can’t complain. Tell her that you thought she was a woman and could handle dating a real man with real responsibilities. Or tell him that a real man who handles his business would know that no one on the corner has swagger like us. Pretty soon she’ll be unzipping your trousers in a broom closet right before you go on stage to perform with your bandmates.

Or wait, was that The Five Heartbeats.

Me no know.

So I provided a short template for you. What are some surefire tactics to get out of a jam? And it doesn’t even have to be a relationship fixer. What about a date who’s thinking foul thoughts and you don’t want to ruin that free dinner? Or the late night goodies?

Commence.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

406 thoughts on “Must Be Jelly.”

  1. If you have a good friend that is close with your significant other, you can let them do the talking for you. Many times this has gotten me out of a jam. I guess it always matters when you hear ish from someone else rather than the person your talking to. Case in point:

    Me: I was out handling business.
    Her: But there are facebook pictures of you at the club with that girl.
    Me: Exactly. And I didn’t wanna go. It was just to show support. I’d rather have just been with you. I didn’t tell you because I know you’d get mad.
    Her: Whatever.

    (Scoreless.)

    vs.

    Frat brother: He was out handling business.
    Her: But there are facebook pictures of him at the club with that girl.
    Frat brother: Exactly. And he didn’t wanna go. It was just to show support. He complained to me about having to go, because he couldn’t spend his free time with you. He didn’t tell you because he knew you’d get mad.
    Her: Really?
    Frat brother: Really.

    (Score.)

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    • *making a note* Never listen to what your S.O.’s friends have to say. They’re just as much of a heathen as he is.

      Back in the day, my ex had one of his football teammates call me to explain about how my SO was like a father figure to the whole team, their confidante, mentor, spiritual advisor, blah blah blah…so he couldn’t possibly have been scrumpin’ the campus skank every Tuesday after practice. He led the prayer for the team before every game for Christ’s sake. How could such a holy man be such a ho?

      I guess he was a holy ho, because dude stuck his peen in anybody who would let him…right after he prayed for the team. *smh*

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    • “If you have a good friend that is close with your significant other, you can let them do the talking for you.”

      this is tricky though. you need to make sure you employ a friend who won’t mess things up for you worse.

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      • Didn’t this type of situation happen in the movie “The Best Man”, where the good buddy ended up effing his boy’s woman?

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        • yeah…taye diggs (who’s constantly messing up in movies) schlumped morris chesnutt’s fiancee back when they were in college (before they were engaged). his dumb ass wrote about it and got caught…so its not the same situation since taye diggs basically outed himself like ole dumb lookin’ boy.

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    • in high school, my best friend and i had this system too. we’d always run damage control for one another.

      though usually it was him running damage control on one my girlfriends and me running damage control to his mother.

      but everybody plays their role, right?

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  3. Okay to answer the question posed:

    In a relationship situation: you can try getting mad at them and telling them you’ve wanted to break up for a while anyway. This would prolly have them beggin’ you to give them another chance. Flip the script~

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  4. How about don’t get in a jam in the first place??

    But, when I do get in a jam…I ignore the HELLZ out of it. Subtle denial. Smile sweetly and carry on, refusing to talk about it. Who is he going to argue with, himself? LOL…

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  5. I half a$$ apologize and then get mad at him for not being an adult and accepting my apology and expecting me to be perfect all the time….if that dosent work.. I give him some head….since its not that regular an occurrence and I am very rarely wrong it works like a charm..LMAO

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  6. ok, first of all, this is the only time I can comment cuz after a zillion of u muhfuggas get to clicking, my smart phone goes dumb and doesn’t have enough free storage to support even opening this joint…

    (randomness: I wish I was really in the corner right now…butt nekit, making breakfast burritos…did somebody just growl? damn!…end randomness)

    Jam…for real, I don’t get into those…cuz they don’t make ‘em like me no-more…but for the sake of participation, if I were getting sticky…ummmmm…I mean in a “jam” with a loved one, I would fip it…I would figure out how whateer I did was just a re-action to their (in)action and rationalize that sh1t until I was knee deep in “slow singing and flower bringing”…when I get done pretending to be a victim of circumstance, he will be feeling like david ruffin singing “aint to proud to beg” to otis nim…scratch that old eddie cane! “nights like this…i-i wish…that raindrops would fa-aa-aaa-l!” looking boy, feeling like he eff’d up asking me for a second chance, when I know GOOD and d@mn h3ll well I was probably wrong-er a monique in spandex just cuz u aint never said nothing slick to a can of oil! ni99a!

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  8. i got moderated cuz of d@mn? d@amn….
    @shady good one on the half @ss apology and the attack on adulthood…when ni99as challenge ur grown-ness u feel a need to prove them wrong…even if u r right…lol…classic! (slow clap) and…ummmm…gmail me about ur pickle…

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  9. With my ex, one way to always get out of a jam was to just be quiet. He couldn’t stand the silent treatment. Not saying anything was worse than talking because he couldn’t figure out what I was thinking. It was killing him. Particularly because I’m normally very talkative. His mind would race and he’d eventually capitulate just so I could break my silence.

    Another thing I do is defer to my career/schooling. Something like, “this is what I need(ed) to do for ME. I need to focus on my career and making something for myself. I’ve worked so hard, blah blah blah.” nobody wants to be the dream killer. No matter what, they’ll come out as the bad guy for trying to hold you back, no matter how many times the story is retold. They’ll have to reconcile or risk looking like an impossible tyrant.

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    • With my ex, one way to always get out of a jam was to just be quiet. He couldn’t stand the silent treatment. Not saying anything was worse than talking because he couldn’t figure out what I was thinking. It was killing him. Particularly because I’m normally very talkative. His mind would race and he’d eventually capitulate just so I could break my silence.

      Oh yeah, ive used this one too and it works like a charm. Once you get quiet..they dont know what your thinking or “plotting”. After awhile they just give up and drop it.

      *grins*

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    • LMAO! I second that!

      Also, when your quiet make the sad face or the angry face. Crying a little helps too. A lot of dudes hate to see a woman crying.

      *Note: The crying thing does not always work. My ex had sisters who used this tactic all the time so he was immune.

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      • “Also, when your quiet make the sad face or the angry face. Crying a little helps too. A lot of dudes hate to see a woman crying.”

        a sad woman can guilt trip me much easier than an angry one can. its not even close.

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      • you know, the only woman that bothers me crying is my momma. the rest of y’all can just save the crocodile tears b/c they really don’t work on me. i have three sisters. three. i’ve seen enough tears to start my own aquifer.

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  10. look if y’all don’t start correcting your typos i’m gonna beat both your a$$es. i might be short and all, but i have bionic powers. don’t y’all want to be on ellen’s couch one day? don’t you want to put this in your portfolio? uh huh, then get yo shite together!

    with regards to the post… crying always works. but i can’t fake cry, i’m just saying that when the tears flow, most men come to their senses about their jerkdom. if they don’t, then do like panama and peace out, and never ever talk to them again.

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  11. i really dont have any methods…if im wrong i say so, if im right im def sayin so, and if it drags on longer than need be…its late i cant think, i’ll be back tomorrow!

    good ppl of vsb, if i ever run into yall in DC, im calling you out on some of the nonsense you encourage on here lol. like the quote below:

    “It also might help if you hold the Bible in your hand the whole time you’re talking. But put it down before you get some of that biblican lovin’.”

    but this is also why i come back, again and again.

    carry on!

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  13. How do I get out of a jam?

    How about, I dont get in them. I’m like a cat…I cover my sh@t up, so you wont be able to find it. I really cant think of any time I got caught up in somethin. But if I ever have, I usually act like the guy has to be crazy. “Are you kidding me? You’re mad over that? Wow…stop being so sensitive”. That usually works.

    Or, like shay-d said up above, a lil head will help. And a lot of head will change a life lol

    If any man comes to me talking about they talked to God about their issues and He said that a change is a-comin, he will get kicked in the testicles. And I’ll tell him Jesus told me to do it. Dont play wit Jesus!!

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    • “a lil head will help”

      “a lot of head will change a life”

      “Dont play wit Jesus!!”

      wow. this might be a record. three t-shirt quotes in one comment. this is like witnessing a blue moon or a tactful new yorker. i’m amazed

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    • 3 tshirt quotes is miraculous. Sorta like:

      *Seeing a crackhead with teeth, an ass, and dreams

      *Finding out that Ne-Yo is straight

      *Seeing Al Sharpton skip a perm appointment

      *Finding out that Michael Jackson’s voice is a deep bass

      *Seeing a big girl in leather leggings (how DID she do it??)

      *Finding out that Paris Hilton ACTUALLY has vajayjay walls.

      *Seeing an albino midget clown that is riding a unicorn while sprinkling Diva Dust to the Masses (Shoutouts to VEG, NatAlise, Blackberry Molasses)

      People, we are witnessing something special.

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  14. “2) Blame them.” Panama you are so wrong for that one. hahahaha!

    “Or, like shay-d said up above, a lil head will help. And a lot of head will change a life lol”
    STILL! hahaha, that is my motto, what dude is going to complain after he gets the goochygoochy yaya?

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  15. Definately used all of those ‘get-out-of-jail’ cards, so I guess these aren’t gender-specific. :)
    Think you should do a how-to deflect their bloody bollocks back onto them.
    Like 1) ask them to point which verse really touched them.
    2) Don’t say anything. Don’t try to think it through. Don’t absorb. Tell them to write it down, and deal with it later. Easier to see shyte from a distance.
    3) Smile sweetly and glaze over. When there is an eerie silence, walk out, or counter-attack.

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    • “Don’t say anything. Don’t try to think it through. Don’t absorb. Tell them to write it down, and deal with it later. Easier to see shyte from a distance”

      this is snarky and stealth at the same time. i love it

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    • 1) ask them to point which verse really touched them.

      you just trynna start Bible Jeopardy. i’ll be quick to throw a verse out there, let them read it out loud, AND THEN spin it to make sense.

      and if that doesnt work…start spittin’ that real about how God’s plans aren’t always laid out in black and white. sometimes you have to look beyond and within so that you can upclose and without.

      and if that doesnt work, just tell them that God said to peace them out…so they really need to go quickly.

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      • lol… if you really wanted them to them to be out, why bother going through all that hassle?? truth is you want them to forgive you and/or apply a lil moisture to your salted nuts. and if it’s just a bit of moisture, then is it really worth the effort? or you just that eager?

        in any case, 2 and/or 3 are still applicable in the flippping bible tactic. silence, as several ladies have said, works like a charm. silence with a knowing half-smile (preferably with evil undertones), and then offering to cook a meal, will have a guy sweating.

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        • “silence with a knowing half-smile (preferably with evil undertones), and then offering to cook a meal, will have a guy sweating.”

          I feel so validated.

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  17. First, its far too early for all this commenting.
    Second this is totally off-topic but I thought people who love music and/or are very smart would enjoy these people. My brother put me on to them and I’m loving the albulm Pyramids in Moscow.
    RPM (restoring poetry to music)
    http://rpmband.com/music.html

    thirdly, and attempt to tie this back to the conversation. If I received this albulm I would consider staying an extra day or two. But I’m in the mood right now to kick my SO to the curb (i’m rather cranky) so thanks for what to avoid if I do want to do this. *taking notes* 1) call them R. Kelly and keep walking 2)Tell them I can’t be with people with illegitmate grammar/speech (note not reading!) comprehension problems and keep walking. 3) put on headphones as you play with your phone/PSP/DS like you are completely oblivious. When they stop looking like a fool (or when you get tired) smile, say I’m happy you got that off your chest, now please get off mine. And walk away.

    All night in a rat-infested school with no food trying to make my brain work makes me cranky

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      • I like Gorillaz but they remind more of early 90s jazzy hip rap. Like tribe and deLa stuff. With a bit of Lupe in there (sleepwalking and sliders [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0IYErTslJM ] are my favorites and I keep thinking Matt Santos is on the hook but then I realized I’m getting mixed up with the Lupe album. yay spelled it right this time, first go.) Also check out Less is More ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9Th31iNa1g ) and Life is Change.

        PS how do you make links in this thing?

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        • I’m gonna have to listen to it a little more. I love music… can talk about it for hours. Lupe is the business… I can’t stop listening to “Paris, Tokyo.”

          I think you suceeded in linking. I could click on your stuff.

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      • bold ass rats of various sizes. Having class, they don’t care. Sitting in the hall talking on your phone, they trying to check out my sneaks. I’m glad I don’t work here. They were up in the drawers of some peoples offices. The AAs were pissed (they were eatin they candy and replacing it with rat raisins)

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        • “bold ass rats of various sizes”

          Sounds like an evening stroll in DC. Rats around here will run up on you and say “Get up w/us or get the eff off our block, n!99@!!”

          Needless to say, I take the h3ll off running. Down w/rodentry!!!

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          • ok really I thought my line sister was lying to me about the rats in DC, until one night we were out on our way to some club and a rat literally came out the sewer and was walking with us like that mofo had driven us to the spot and was going to escort us to the door. I was like WTF?? Sheet I shouldve gotten his name

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          • Yea, actually I think the one eyen my sneaks was just a baby. Or a mouse. But being jersey, more likely a baby rat. I wonder if I could get points for that in my favorite subway game.

            Surprisingly enough I thought the rats would be bigger in jersey than DC. but those fucking big ass swamp/sewer/boat rats there are mutant. And I don’t see too many stray dogs or cats in DC (I think the rats ate them). But there’s a stray pack of dogs here and I used to live next to a house soley occupied by at least 100 cats. This was not the only cat-only occupied house within a 1 block radius. maybe 1 of 4. And these cats are not skinny. The bastards take the lid of our metal garbage cans take the top bags out and scratch holes into all the bags. My roommate tried to blame it on the 2 scared squirrels left in Newark. Those scaredy squirrels run from pigeons. Too much undesireably wildlife around here.

            That baby rat looked like he wanted to jack me for my kicks. The fucker stared me down. I had to pump fake him to get him to back up. How I’mma be jacked on the cell phone in my school by a FlavaFlav reject.

            On a separate note: I’m still schilling for my favorite DC bands/groups RPM/Panacea
            Check, check, check it out
            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utmjd-NJ81k

            they are the only reason Im still awake and somewhat coherent. Enough to realize the fake PBG is ghosting me up here.

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  19. You might go to hell with gasoline drawers for number one.

    Hmmmm…. let me think…this is a hard one. How about good old honesty folks?! That’s works. LOL.

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  20. Use “I” Statements.

    1. “I feel taken for granted when you don’t make lasagna.”

    2. “I was hurt when you said you ate already…that’s why I…”

    Its a better execution of blaming it on them.

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    • This is the advice my girl just told me not 10 hours ago about how to deal with my CI’s sensitive man feelings. She has a man with sensitive man feelings but his are different than my puppy. Gotta stop falling for puppies. Puppies are always farr more sensitive than I. D@mnation

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    • This is how I was instructed to talk to the tiny kids when I took a conflict resolution seminar for ECE training. I do it for EVERYBODY now. It is so effective.

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      • I was trained on this talk sometime for something but I stopped. I have a low bullshit quotient. And I started hanging out with a group of boys and found I was less girly than at least 2 in the group. And one was in the army. I gotta learn my sensitive talk again.

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  21. Um yea…isn’t that how women end up feeling emotionally scarred and slighted?

    By the way, the last guy to try this with me got the boot.

    For your own safety, do not try this on a smart black woman…thats how people end up castrated/knocked-the-fuck out/ afraid (think A Thin Line…don’t answer your door, she has a knife).

    …a smart black woman who’s bitter about life and relationships. The un-bitter ones just don’t give a fuck and will just leave.

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  22. My mom taught me a little about this one day after she almost broke 3 of my fingers with a broom handle (Neva,eva, eehhhva, evah, evah ask yo momma what the HEL! is wrong with her!) Dinner that night was excellent, and I had pretty much forgiven her by the time it was over, even though I had to eat it with my non-dominant hand. So I will add a good meal to the list.

    Also, head. And plenty of it. Just call me “Supa-apologetic Head”.

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    • Neva,eva, eehhhva, evah, evah ask yo momma what the HEL! is wrong with her!)

      I’m surprised she only tried to break your fingers cause my mama truly would have buried me.

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    • Girl, you said what to yo’ mama???

      I’m 35 and I can’t even imagine…and I’m just waiting for Ike and/or Tina to lose it and go there w/me. There will be some smoke in the city! (R.I.P Bernie Mac)

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  23. I was in a sales job for a bit, which helps out in arguments. I don’t necessarily mean at the brink of the relationship dissipating like McCain’s chances at the white house. But example,

    SO: I’m so tired of all your ish. You’ve done X, Y, and Z, and blah blah hoopy blah blah. My girls said I should blah blah.

    You: Is there anything other than X, Y, Z that you’re mad about?

    SO: Nah.

    At this point, you use a series of I statements and blame deflection. When the SO decides to bring up other issues, you then say “But you said there was nothing else you were mad at other than X, Y, and Z. Why are you bringing up other stuff when you just said nothing else was an issue. Now you’re reaching.”

    Hope the SO says “Yeah, you’re right. Forget it.” and then yall make out, have a few explosions, then go to sleep.

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      • lol…see i love arguing with lawyers. i’ve had a few tell me that i outlawyered them. i’m just too lazy to be a lawyer. me, lil wayne, and kanye, we dont like to read unless its necessary.

        true story (and slight horn tootage) – at a christmas party one year i got into an argument with some chick. i cant remember about what. anyway, i totally won and she was amazed. turns out she was an associate dean at the law school, and a practicing attorney, and offered to write me a recommendation on the spot if i’d apply to her law school.

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  24. Edutainment huh? P-Money getting all KRS-ONE on us and ish…

    You’re going to Hell on the express bus with number 1. Don’t be throwing God around all willy-nilly…lol

    My tactic? Good old avoidance. Yep, works every time. (Shouts out to Billy D.)
    Don’t call, don’t text, don’t email…nothing….nada, zilch.
    Respond to text messages with blank messages, the same with emails. Don’t return calls.
    When you’re ready, make contact. It works, they will come right back.
    *disclaimer: This is professional evil girl behavior, use only if you just don’t care. If you’re an amateur, don’t try this at home…lol

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    • Edutainment huh? P-Money getting all KRS-ONE on us and ish…

      ya know, if KRS wasn’t 87 years older than me, i’d swear he stole that from me. by the way, he’s fallen off harder than Ice Cube.

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      • Yeah KRS was doing big thangs there for a sec. His whole crew was nice…Miss Melody, D-Nice…mayne hol’ up.
        *cues up Jack of Spades*

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      • Through the computer?! Say it ain’t no Joe!(Shouts out to Sarah Palin)…lmao.
        Sorry kid, these are the breaks.
        ::snicker::

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        • If you coulda worked in a shoutout to a group of 8 year olds I woulda applauded you.

          I rolled on the floor when she did that. I thought she was going to say happy birthday to her mama and tell Junebug to keep his head up, then name all her kids and say Look Mommy’s on the magic picture box!

          BTW if I were a Palin child I woulda been called either
          Creation Schwarzkopf Palin
          Muzzle Mammoth Palin or
          Beretta Hockey Palin

          http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

          Beretta Swarzkopf would be a nice compromise. I’d also be married to a beer swilling (not drinking, I’m sure he would miss his mouth 3 times out of 5-causing the swill), gun toting, no-thinking, chunky, patriarchal, wife choking, pit stained, lazy mouthbreather with 5-7 babies by now. Maybe a stint in the crazy farm. Right after the fat farm. And the drunkard farm. Don’t worry I’ll be saved and evangelical within a 6 months of public scrutiny. R. Kelly songs and all.

          Am I the only one who can tell the difference between country boys and yokels?

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          • I am so offended by her….

            I can not effing believe she shouted out her peeps. I am still in disbelief, I was telling one of my girls about it and she was like you are making this up. I said to her, no honey I wish I was. It would be funny if it wasnt true.

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            • Sounds like an unsuccessful sexual maneuver. On a farm. Or a euphemism for a unique type of relations. On a farm. Or the name of the injury you have after an acrobatic and indeed immensely auspicious sexual encounter. On a ranch (hah!)

              Either way you sound like a lusty country youth aka bestial hayseed aka aggressively intimately inappropriate yokel, foreignexperienceduetotheviewofRussia from your outhouse/privy window mudwrestler.

              *how many points do i get for alliteration, innuendo, vowel-starting words and using 3 syllables or more words- Hey I don’t know no foreign languages, I gotta just use English creatively. and I’m bored.*

              That’s unfair. So I’ll admit I once received junk mail addressed to Giant Patrica B. The conclusion was drawn that that was obviously my 90s rapper moniker. Call me DJ Giant Patrica (pronounced Pah-TREEK-uh) B. Everybody wave your hands in the air! Wave them like you just don’t care. If you ever been on a fifth-hand mailing list and made a book of baby names from them and published them in Alaska say YEA!

              And I want to give a shout out to my boy Tangle Jig P. , the mystery midget and DJ Tiny S. Tootle and DJ Mikamik. WPGC, the people’s station is my favorite station!

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          • I clicked it and if “that Palin woman” was my Mama, my name would be Engine Nighthawk Palin.

            I don’t even know what to think about that.

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  25. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but nothing’s as wrong as the night I kept you guessing. I mean, I-I-I-I have never been in love. ”

    lol!!! I can’t stop giggling at that. Every jam I get into, has to do with communication; “Why didn’t you call me? Why haven’t you called back? Did you get my messages? Are you ignoring me?” I just blame everything on Sprint. Works every time.

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      • This totally reminds me of how I make static noises w/my voice into the phone and hang up on my parents when they start getting all preachy on me. They don’t understand technology so it always works and is GREAT for a laugh.

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    • yeah, that’s so true. especially with sprint. their service STAYS messing up.

      T-Mobile is just as bad. i just to a text message today that was clearly sent to me 4 years ago telling me that my cousin’ Ray-Ray was going to jail for 4 years.

      he got out yesterday.

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      • I have to co-sign on the T-mobile pain. Now when I drop calls I just call them back and sing the little jingle. My cousin (who can afford Verizon) straight clowns me. But I avoid her calls cuz we don’t have mobile to mobile anyway. Bougie azz fam….

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    • Can’t remember how many times I tried to get my ex to switch from Nextel. she only ever got service on the third Sunday of every month when the moon was at least seven-eighths full.

      Reply ↓

  26. This has worked on me:

    Post break up, show up the next day like nothing ever happened. Yep, real simple. Show up offering something I need (i.e. brunch, rent, likkah, chex).

    Show up on a Friday and attach yourself to her hip from Friday to Monday morning. Don’t let her speak to your more logical friends and family.

    Reply ↓

    • “Post break up, show up the next day like nothing ever happened. Yep, real simple. Show up offering something I need (i.e. brunch, rent, likkah, chex).”

      this is the worst, because it makes you feel like you’re in the twilight zone

      Reply ↓

  27. If I get caught in some shyt, it’s because I wanted to get caught to make breaking up easier. Even when caught I flip it around, make them the reason that it happened, get their forgiveness and then throw the deuces a short time later.

    Oh and another thing, sometimes admitting or telling on yourself goes a long way. Yeah I hooked up with ol dude, but it’s because you don’t love me the way I needed to be loved. I was wrong, but understand where Im coming from. Throw out a scenario and have them ask themselves what they would do. While they’re still pi$$ed, at the same time they examine their actions to see where they may have f’ed up.

    * disclaimer – this is from back in my younger years, Im too old to be caught doing anything. The only thing I can get caught doing, is doing me.

    Reply ↓

    • “Yeah I hooked up with ol dude, but it’s because you don’t love me the way I needed to be loved”

      v renee, the “soul” store called, and was wondering why you still haven’t ordered one

      Reply ↓

      • Sh*t everytime I try to call the mofos, the phone is busy. Apparently everyone else (& by everyone I mean VSB & associates, McCain, OJ, Jim Jones…well you get the drift) is trying to order souls. They need to hire more people in their call center or at least outsource it to overseas.

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  29. Yeah, I know nothing of this getting caught up thing that you all speak of.

    No really, I don’t.

    But P, thank you for the Jeffrey Osborne…that is one of my FAVORITE songs.

    *Walks out singing, “Looooooving youuuu, gave me something newww-ahhhh”*

    Reply ↓

    • “Yeah, I know nothing of this getting caught up thing that you all speak of.

      No really, I don’t.”

      Have to say I agree. I’ve been trying to think of something…maybe something will hit me later. But usually it’s some ninja trying to use some of these lame @ss excuses on me and getting shut down. And since my mental rolodex reboots every 3 minutes you have more chances of getting caught up than I do.

      Reply ↓

      • “And since my mental rolodex reboots every 3 minutes you have more chances of getting caught up than I do.”

        And that’s all I’m saying.

        Reply ↓

      • “I got your river.”

        *chuckle*

        don’t hate champ. it’s not cute. lol.

        i have never been caught in any type of lie that was hurtful to the relationship. because beyond the occassional white lie, i just don’t do it. the one time i could have possibly gotten in a jam, we broke up before it could even have become an issue.

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        • Exactly. I’m a straight shooter in relationships, I don’t cheat under any circumstances, I don’t do things that would get me in any kind of jam, period.

          I’m not saying my SO and I (when I have one) don’t get into arguments or disagreements, but as far as having to get myself “out of” a situation…never had to do that.

          Reply ↓

          • I have to say, I can’t usually cry on cue and I haven’t purposely tried to in an arguement. If I start crying that’s usually the “oh st!t” signal to my SO because the tears only start at red alert anger/hurt.

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              • haha…It’s a good thing men don’t use this one, if they did, they could probably get away with murder. Woman are suckers for tears…so sad.

                I would have to be really pissed off as well to cry. But if crying is used to manipulte then it should be used sparingly. If used all the time, it will lose it’s effectiveness and he’s gonna be like, “this b*tch is crying AGAIN”.

                Reply ↓

              • Back up Killa, not all women are suckers for tears. Just ask the two grown a$$ men that were cryin in my office last year cause they failed my class and were about to be kicked out of school and then have to deal with their parents

                did I feel bad, not even a little

                They each sat there and cried like a newborn awaiting his moms teet. I actually had to leave the office at one point to get tissues.

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              • You are right that not all women are suckers, but I believe women who are not susceptible to tears are few and far between.

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              • “this b*tch is crying AGAIN”

                Damn now I feel bad that this is what I thought in at least 50% of the teary moments I’ve been a party to. Including my dad and my SO. I aint really that mean. I like to cook for people. I give massages… sometimes. I’ll pick you up from the airport. Doesn’t that make up for my stamping you with a small bitchassness mark? I only do it so I remember not to cuss at you. Its helps me help you.

                Reply ↓

      • it’s very fair…about as fair as ‘go to God’. You gotta do what ya gotta do. Men don’t know how to handle tears and it can be very effective when used properly

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  31. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation with someone where I seriously f’d up since like 12th grade. I was cruddy for that one. Still high school doesn’t really count. Hmm, I need to start acting up more. I’m clearly not acting up enough…darn this good girl situation. Or maybe I just never got caught. (jk)

    If I care about a dude and he brings an issue to me, usually, I just quietly listen and let them talk. I try not to think of a comeback and really see it from their side. If I agree and care, I say hmm, you’re right. I’ll try to do better. I feel like that about covers it, unless I feel he’s trying to manipulate me. That’s the quickest way to get me to cussin.

    Most of the time where someone has brought an issue to me, I didn’t care or wasn’t committed to the person. If I don’t care, I’m like hmm, seems like this is a huge problem for you. I don’t think we’re on the same page. Maybe this isn’t a good fit. And that’s that. Like if we aren’t serious, I don’t even like to be questioned (why didn’t you call, where were you, blah, blah. None of your business.) Might be mean, but I’m not doing all the back and forth…that’s what relationships are for. lol

    I am 100% against manipulating. I already have trust issues. I try to treat an SO the way I want to be treated. It’s so much more satisfying if someone genuinely wants to rectify the situation without the silent treatment. That being said, if I care about a dude and he does some shady ish, I will get silent on you. I will tell you my issue with you once, maybe twice. Three times if the D is great. After that, I won’t say ish…I’ll just quietly start to lose interest and decide when I’m bouncing. Hmm, I probably should work on this peace out approach.

    I think I could be off topic at this point…my bad. Lol I’m expressing my feelings.

    Reply ↓

  32. I have the best staredown in the business. I just stare at the man and say nothing. No one can take being stared at in the eyes for that long, no matter how angry or determined they are. He will eventually look away and continue his talk. Being the first person to break usually results in him being even more ticked off. At some point during his rant he’ll mention something about how I’m not listening or paying attention. I’ll act affronted, say that I have been sitting here listening to him bash me, trying to maintain eye contact with someone who won’t even look at me. Then I’ll claim to be completely done with being treated like the defendant and then walk away. Then I go lay down and go to sleep. On the down side, many men get so upset by my refusal to engage, they lash out. The trick is to not respond to it with anything other than another long stare before going to bed. These things usually work. Then again I am still single. But it does solve the immediate problem. LOL

    Reply ↓

    • “I have the best staredown in the business.”

      no you dont. one of my exes cats has you beat. seriously, i think she’d deploy that cat on me to stare at me for hours whenever we got into an argument. it was creepy, especially when you consider that this cat had tiny eyelids, so when it blinked, it was like it wasnt really blinking.

      Reply ↓

  33. There are instances where I like to just exercise my Miranda Rights. I have the right to remain silent and to representation which can be provided free of charge (this is reserved for the big eff ups).

    For the small sh!t, my other defenses include cooking a magnificent meal for him to come home to followed by s3x and a kung fu movie. By the time sll that is overwith he doesn’t really care what I did. His belly is full, he is satisfied and sleepy. To seal the deal, I make sure he ‘wakes up happy’ the next morning. It sounds like a lot of work, but since its stuff I like to do anyway…. *shrugs*

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  34. I’m just gonna put this out there… Chicks that cry on command and manipulate dudes with tears piss me off. You are messing it up for the rest of us that are being legit. Cut that ish out.

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  35. Hate to rain on the parade but getting yourself out of a jam is nothing short of stalling. Telling the truth about what’s real will always prevail. Plus it keeps you from being perceived as a mother effing lying ass manipulative bastard with no heart to boot.

    You want out. Just say so. You’ll be able to sleep at night knowing you did the right thing.

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  36. Getting out of a Jam?

    You have to remember that any little issue your woman brings you, is 99% of the time inconsequential.

    - leaving the seat up
    - forgetting your important dates
    - sleeping with her super thick 16 your old niece @ the family bbq and bringing back the clap.

    There’s usually something deeper that’s bothering her.

    “Is this how he thinks about me when I’m not with him?”

    The truth is for most dudes, unless I see you, I’m not thinking about you. I don’t spend my days envisioning our future househould, or analyzing all of your words and actions with my siege of bitterns.

    (and this is also the case for women out of the “love” phase. She ain’t thinking bout your dirty drawls after the first few months. )

    So you have to address the real (and never ending) central question.

    Are you the right one?
    Can you pass every test?
    Handle every situation?

    And still be better than every other cat she’s met or will ever meet? (Applies while she’s hot and sexy and fertile, when she hits her mid 30′s you’re good with being a jerk, 27 if she ain’t black).

    Every fight/tiff/spat or “discussion” is a great opportunity to make the relationship stronger. But you don’t do that by actually addressing the logical aspect of her grievance.

    “don’t leave the seat up” – is women speak for, “don’t you realize that I am in your space too/part of your life, and you have to make accomodations for me, think about US”

    as opposed to, “i’m too stupid to actually look @ the toilet before I plop my very phat ass down”

    That’s if you’re not a total cad, or a Jamaican.

    But if you prefer Rice and Peas to Red Beans and Rice
    - pre-empt – My favorite is to start follow her, “we need to talk” with a “yeah we do…i’ been thinking this isn’t working out”. Drop a 20 dollar bill and walk out. The 20 dollar is especially nice if you aren’t at a restaurant.

    - blame the victim (especially if you can target her insecurities looks or her her identity outside of her looks)

    1) if you would have kept your natural/perm and not gone perm/natural. Or that Foghorn Leghorn cut from the 80′s.

    2) Now that you wear wedge heels, i’m just not attracted to your meta-tarsals any more

    3) I know that you want to get your masters in interior decoration…but I feel

    4) Everytime you press skip on the cd player in my car, I feel like you’re questioning my judgment.

    - be more volatile and inconsiderate, but back door that with random acts of kindness (her friends hate but she says, “you don’t know him like I do”). The less sane person is in control of the relationship.

    Like forget the anniversary of your first golden shower, but get her a puppy a few weeks later on a “trial” basis (which she’ll read as, i’m thinking we could have kids, and this is a good test….except for the fact i’m leaving this pitbull at your spot, cause my boy Mike Vick got caught up)

    - move her away from friends and family (them harpies will always ruin a good thing )

    5) Totally agree with her grievance and say nothing.
    6) Silent treament

    5-6 will definitely end a relationship with a good girl, but if you prefer them extra crazy/suicidal, it’s totally gold.

    Reply ↓

  37. I’m with Queen’s earlier comment.

    Cryin is for snizzles.

    Woman up and give that man a sammich and some noggin! Oh, and if you really, REALLY effed up, an apology.

    Reply ↓

    • I may be wrong (or a huge a-hole) but I think there are misconceptions about crying. I think there are only certain situations when crying is ok. Crying over every little thing just makes you look like a baby. For example I knew a girl that cried over her goldfish dying. I used goldfish to feed my oscar so they were pretty insignificant to me. Plus you can get 10 for a dollar. I told her to suck that sh!t up and I gave her a dime. That made her cry for some reason.

      Reply ↓

  39. i’ve never eff’d up to the point i need to refer to a “how to get out of a jam self help guide for dummies”. often times i don’t get in trouble for things i did do but for things i did NOT do, inevitably leading to discussions on a rocky road to nowhere.

    for these obnoxious arguments i take a page from my dad’s playbook–diversion and delusion. change the subject while making the other person crazy and forget what originally made them upset (it helps when the other person is irate and you’re calm). like in PJ’s #2, non-sequiturs are in order, not “for affect” but for effectiveness. irrational/unreasonable statements confuse and frustrate the targeted audience. and in the diversion-delusion tactic it’s important to NEVER apologize or admit fault becuz the point is to make them forget about the initial issue. at least for the time being.

    used on the right person (know your audience), it works like a charm.

    Reply ↓

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