Lists, Pop Culture

Movies You Should Never Watch With Your Parents

Sorry dad, I didn't mean to scare the Black off of you. I didn't know there was butt sex in this movie either. It's called Coffee In My Cream. I thought it was a coffee documentary. Honest mistake.

Last summer, my mother came to visit me for a week. One of our favorite things to do as a mother-son dynamic duo is to see as many movies as possible. Apparently I’m the movie guy in my family (no bootlegs) so we end up seeing all kinds of random films and popular movies. It’s big fun. Until it isn’t.

See, I’m grownahel shawty, but there are still movies that no grown person should watch or see (ten bucks to the person who can differentiate between the two without making me sound redundant) with his or her parents. I’ve had a few of those moments in my lifetime but most of the happened when I was in high school and had no real business knowing about the sexual jokes that were being bandied about like two strippers for hire at a rib shack in Toledo.

And with that said I will kill ni**as dead here is a list of movies that you should neva eva, eva eva (?) watch with your creators.

1. Bruno

Possibly the quintessential DO NOT WATCH WITH YOUR PARENTS movie of all time. My mother had to leave the room several time as she was just mad uncomfortable while watching the movie with her son. Honestly, I don’t even remember what the movie is about I just remember creating random conversations during the movie about the Kyoto Protocol and the merits of the G8 Summit given that Kool-aid prices haven’t risen in eons. And why? One of my boys – who so happens to be gay – called me after he saw it and was like dude, this might be the gayest movie of all time. I’m gonna have to concede that he’s right.

2. Jason’s Lyric

Yeah, it’s all because of the scene that inspired a dookie-braided and ridiculously voluptuous Lisa Nicole-Carson to say, “what y’all did at the bayou?” a a question that is not uttered nearly enough. There’s just no way to pretend like that scene ISN’T awkward to watch with your donors considering that both you and your mama are thinking of ways to get that kind of lovin’ in your life.

3. Sex Aliens From Outer Space

Contrary to what you might believe, there really isn’t a plot here. Or good acting.

4. Love And A Bullet

Also known as the movie where Treach goes full frontal nude in the name of cinema. You shouldn’t watch this movie because its just about as bad a legit movie as possible. My mother picked this one up for us one day. Because she saw Black people on the corner. I’m not making this up. What ensued was my mother looking at me and wondering why on Earth anybody would spearhead such a movie then gasping as she saw a totally unexpected naked rapper.

5. Closer

Not only do I think this just isn’t a good movie, but there’s also only so many times the word c*nt can be said in a movie before one of the parents blows a gasket and wonders why movies nowadays have to have such filthflarnfilth. But mostly you shouldn’t watch this with your parents because it sucks donkey nuts.

6. Thuggin’ It And Lovin’ It 1 or 2

I’ve mentioned this series before, but if there was ever a case study to be made for the practice of restrictive procreation, then these two DVDs are it. I imagine that if I watched this with my mother, she would look at me, look back at the screen, then look back and me and say, “is this how Black folks act in the ‘hood’ as you call it?” And truly, I’d not only have no response, I might say that I agree and then go get an NRA membership and join the NRA.

7. Eyes Wide Shut

A veritable coup de grace in terms of movies one should NEVER ever watch with the ‘rents. In fact, it nearly ranks up there with Bruno in terms of sheer inappropriate and ridiculousness. Then again, Tom Cruise was involved so the truth is that anything can happen. Say what, say what….anything thing can happen. Will the Knicks win the championship this year…NO NO, NO NO that would never happen.

Treat Thursday like its your Friday and enjoy the love. What other movies should you never ever watch with your parents? I know some of you all have fun stories here. Share…

Btw, my birthday, is tomorrow. June 3. #geminiseason #ftw #we’re better than you


****DMV RESIDENTIALISTS: Come celebrate Panama’s B-day on Thursday, June 2, a VSB Happy Hour and Game Night at Tap& Parlour at Bohemian Caverns located at 2001 11th Street, NW (corner of 11th and U) from 530-until. Game 2 will be on the TVs, games will be available, and happy hour prices. It’s a win-win-win.****

Check out The Champ’s new advice column at Madame Noire “Ask A Very Smart Brotha”

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • LadyC

    Zack and Miri Make a Porno…big mistake to watch with your mom and grandma in the room.

  • TheAnti-Cool

    Nothing of my own to add; just taking my usual seat to wait for the hilarity to roll in.

  • IET

    Pulp fiction nuff said

  • Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

    trois 2.
    trois 3.

  • Cheekie

    I hate Closer. AND I saw it with Mama Cheeks. As open-minded as she be, I cringed the whole time. The only good things about that movie is Damien Rice and how
    Clive Owen kinda lowkey turns me on when he says c*nt.

    Recent Addition: I Love You Phillip Morris. EASILY one of the most whimsically hilarious movies I’ve seen in a good while. The scene where Jim Carrey is having butt chex had me in tears from laughing so hard AND had me O_O at the same time. I mean, picture it. Carrey’s over-the-top self giving a man’s rear the bidness. Or, ya know… Don’t.

    By the way, to watch is to actually digest the movie and remember it. To see a movie is to actually walk past and glance at it onscreen. This makes sense.

  • NinaFontaine

    1. Takers – Its just EMBARRASSING to get all tingly in front of your mom when they show Idris Elba in his boxer briefs and to hear your mom grunt. #LOSING

    2. American Psycho – Christian Bale was KOKDEEEZLE in this joint. That naked seen OMG yes my mommy said “WOW” very loud……… now I know why I say wow at moments like these its inherent.

    I’m sure others will bring more memories to mind.

  • Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

    and sliver…no good can come from that.

  • naturalista88

    “Btw, my birthday, is tomorrow. June 3. #geminiseason #ftw #we’re better than you”
    Better than moi, an Aries?? Balderdash!!

  • minxb

    The Hangover 2.

    Thai. Strip. Club.

    That’s all I’m saying without spoiling it for everyone else who will risk it.

  • NowSayItWithMe

    Anything with a sex scene & noise. Pulp Fiction ^^^ definitely! LOL Anything with nudity period. My parents are weird like that…

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