Lists, Pop Culture

Movies You Should Never Watch With Your Parents

Sorry dad, I didn't mean to scare the Black off of you. I didn't know there was butt sex in this movie either. It's called Coffee In My Cream. I thought it was a coffee documentary. Honest mistake.

Last summer, my mother came to visit me for a week. One of our favorite things to do as a mother-son dynamic duo is to see as many movies as possible. Apparently I’m the movie guy in my family (no bootlegs) so we end up seeing all kinds of random films and popular movies. It’s big fun. Until it isn’t.

See, I’m grownahel shawty, but there are still movies that no grown person should watch or see (ten bucks to the person who can differentiate between the two without making me sound redundant) with his or her parents. I’ve had a few of those moments in my lifetime but most of the happened when I was in high school and had no real business knowing about the sexual jokes that were being bandied about like two strippers for hire at a rib shack in Toledo.

And with that said I will kill ni**as dead here is a list of movies that you should neva eva, eva eva (?) watch with your creators.

1. Bruno

Possibly the quintessential DO NOT WATCH WITH YOUR PARENTS movie of all time. My mother had to leave the room several time as she was just mad uncomfortable while watching the movie with her son. Honestly, I don’t even remember what the movie is about I just remember creating random conversations during the movie about the Kyoto Protocol and the merits of the G8 Summit given that Kool-aid prices haven’t risen in eons. And why? One of my boys – who so happens to be gay – called me after he saw it and was like dude, this might be the gayest movie of all time. I’m gonna have to concede that he’s right.

2. Jason’s Lyric

Yeah, it’s all because of the scene that inspired a dookie-braided and ridiculously voluptuous Lisa Nicole-Carson to say, “what y’all did at the bayou?” a a question that is not uttered nearly enough. There’s just no way to pretend like that scene ISN’T awkward to watch with your donors considering that both you and your mama are thinking of ways to get that kind of lovin’ in your life.

3. Sex Aliens From Outer Space

Contrary to what you might believe, there really isn’t a plot here. Or good acting.

4. Love And A Bullet

Also known as the movie where Treach goes full frontal nude in the name of cinema. You shouldn’t watch this movie because its just about as bad a legit movie as possible. My mother picked this one up for us one day. Because she saw Black people on the corner. I’m not making this up. What ensued was my mother looking at me and wondering why on Earth anybody would spearhead such a movie then gasping as she saw a totally unexpected naked rapper.

5. Closer

Not only do I think this just isn’t a good movie, but there’s also only so many times the word c*nt can be said in a movie before one of the parents blows a gasket and wonders why movies nowadays have to have such filthflarnfilth. But mostly you shouldn’t watch this with your parents because it sucks donkey nuts.

6. Thuggin’ It And Lovin’ It 1 or 2

I’ve mentioned this series before, but if there was ever a case study to be made for the practice of restrictive procreation, then these two DVDs are it. I imagine that if I watched this with my mother, she would look at me, look back at the screen, then look back and me and say, “is this how Black folks act in the ‘hood’ as you call it?” And truly, I’d not only have no response, I might say that I agree and then go get an NRA membership and join the NRA.

7. Eyes Wide Shut

A veritable coup de grace in terms of movies one should NEVER ever watch with the ‘rents. In fact, it nearly ranks up there with Bruno in terms of sheer inappropriate and ridiculousness. Then again, Tom Cruise was involved so the truth is that anything can happen. Say what, say what….anything thing can happen. Will the Knicks win the championship this year…NO NO, NO NO that would never happen.

Treat Thursday like its your Friday and enjoy the love. What other movies should you never ever watch with your parents? I know some of you all have fun stories here. Share…

Btw, my birthday, is tomorrow. June 3. #geminiseason #ftw #we’re better than you

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

****DMV RESIDENTIALISTS: Come celebrate Panama’s B-day on Thursday, June 2, a VSB Happy Hour and Game Night at Tap& Parlour at Bohemian Caverns located at 2001 11th Street, NW (corner of 11th and U) from 530-until. Game 2 will be on the TVs, games will be available, and happy hour prices. It’s a win-win-win.****

Check out The Champ’s new advice column at Madame Noire “Ask A Very Smart Brotha”

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • LadyC

    Zack and Miri Make a Porno…big mistake to watch with your mom and grandma in the room.

    • LadyC

      To be fair, they came in after the movie started and right at the gross part but still made for a pretty awkward conversation.

    • Jhane Sez

      “Zack and Miri Make a Porno…big mistake to watch with your mom and grandma in the room.”

      As a rule of thumb if Kevin Smith, Seth Rogan, or Judd Apatow are involved your not talking family viewing.

      I wouldn’t take my daughter to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall so when it came out on cable she watched it over her dads because he is anti pop culture guy so he had no idea how adult the humor was.

      My daughter couldn’t get in the door good before she asked me if I had ever experienced the full monty break up… and then she just laughed and laughed until she peed her pants, which only made her laugh harder.

      I hate teenagers ~JS

    • WIP

      Another movie I meant to see and forgot about…

    • http://twitter.com/Phidelity15 Phidelity15

      Sadly I took my 16 year old sister to the theater to see this. I forever ruined her life. again.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

    Nothing of my own to add; just taking my usual seat to wait for the hilarity to roll in.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      The more I think about it, I can’t remember ever watching any movie with my mother…

      • nillalatte

        Right? I’ve been thinking too and the only thing I can come up with is a movie with Lynda Carter way back in the day. We were at a drive-in (yup, I said drive-in) and she ended up skinny dipping topless. It was a shocker to all of us! LOL

        Quick search… apparently that movie was called Bobby Jo And The Outlaw. Wow. Metacafe has it full on nude. I was so not 18 for that moment. :-S

      • NinaFontaine

        Really? I guess because holiday tradition (all of them that we come together for) in our family is to watch movies after dinner. Whomever’s left we get at least 2 movies in

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          We weren’t that close and I have no idea if we even had the same taste in movies to begin with.

          Hope I’m not dragging this thread down…

          • NinaFontaine

            gotcha!

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        You are missing out. My mom and girlfriends are movie fanatics. We try to go at least once every two weeks. We carry food in our bags and have good laughs during the movie. People hate us. We love us. It’s bonding.

  • IET

    Pulp fiction nuff said

    • http://www.twitter.com/makinghisstory Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

      favorite movie ever: i’ve seen pulp fiction a few hundred times…i’m sure at least one of ‘em was wit’ my mom. lol

    • Andi

      My family loves this movie! It makes my mom squeamish, but my Dad and I always wonder if Marcellus Wallace looks like a b!tch.

      • Deeds

        LMAO

    • hehe

      I love Pulp Fiction and actually wouldn’t mind seeing it with mom and dad.

    • http://GenevaGirl.net Geneva Girl

      My brother and I saw Pulp Fiction together on Thanksgiving. We were laughing so hard that I thought we were going to get thrown out of the theater. When Marcellus said, “I’m going to get medieval on his ass,” we screamed so loudly that all the 2520s turned around to look at us. In hindsight, we were quite embarrassing.

      I’d watch it with my parents though.

    • kingpinenut

      yeah….that’s the movie

  • http://www.twitter.com/makinghisstory Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

    trois.
    trois 2.
    trois 3.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      What happened to them glossy lips? I miss them already.

      • http://www.twitter.com/makinghisstory Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

        they’re right here…couldn’t get rid of ‘em if i tried. those gloss/vaseline comments were pure hilarity…but i guess some people are gon’ be sorely disappointed when they see ‘em at the party tomorrow.

        • Andi

          Now the Busty Becky picture. smh… can’t take this man nowhere.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

            I saw that but felt it was best to let you handle it.

            • Yoles

              i had questions too but yall know i don’t start ruckus 0__o

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                I was about to yell out to Andi to come and get her man…he’s doing weird sh*t again.

            • http://www.twitter.com/makinghisstory Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

              apparently, i can do no right…the pic is actually rather funny when it’s not a thumbnail tho’. the chick was part of tommy lee’s traveling band of strippers at a party in vegas (he was the DJ)…my friends set it up ’cause i hate takin’ pics. but she still had the red bruises from her freshly manufactured boob-job…and my t-shirt said, “i can tell your boobs are fake.” it was one of those rare gotcha moments…the photo still hangs in my boy’s cigar shop.

          • http://www.twitter.com/makinghisstory Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

            ps

            you can take me wheresoever you damn-well please lamb chop.

    • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

      ah man, u stole my answers lol

    • http://theatypicallibrarian.wordpress.com/ AtypicalLibrarian

      My dad rented Trois because he saw Black folks on the cover. My mother was horrified and it made for an awkward viewing experience. This didn’t stop him from renting Trois 2, I think that one was subtitled Pandora’s Box, why didn’t he learn? I didn’t see the last one with them but my dad did ask if I’d seen/liked it.

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    I hate Closer. AND I saw it with Mama Cheeks. As open-minded as she be, I cringed the whole time. The only good things about that movie is Damien Rice and how
    Clive Owen kinda lowkey turns me on when he says c*nt.

    Recent Addition: I Love You Phillip Morris. EASILY one of the most whimsically hilarious movies I’ve seen in a good while. The scene where Jim Carrey is having butt chex had me in tears from laughing so hard AND had me O_O at the same time. I mean, picture it. Carrey’s over-the-top self giving a man’s rear the bidness. Or, ya know… Don’t.

    By the way, to watch is to actually digest the movie and remember it. To see a movie is to actually walk past and glance at it onscreen. This makes sense.

    • http://www.twitter.com/damesmith Dame

      What do y’all have against “Closer”??? I’m hella curious. It’s one of my fave films ever….

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “What do y’all have against “Closer”??? I’m hella curious. It’s one of my fave films ever…”

        who is “y’all?”.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          LOL, nevermind. Just saw that Panama said Closer sucked donkey d*ck. Personally, I loved the movie, but, admittedly, that could just be because of the thousands of new ways to cuss that i learned from it

      • hehe

        I like to know to cause I liked “Closer”

      • bumilla

        agreed. i need more information.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        It wasn’t even the vulgarity… I actually enjoyed that. And I did like the concept of the weaved stories. It just didn’t hold my attention the way I’d think it would. And don’t get it twisted… I’m not a person who only enjoys conventional, linear films, this one just didn’t grab me. One thing that kinda irked me about it was that everyone seemed to be talking AT each other instead of to each other. Though the movie was called Closer, I didn’t feel an actual connection to the movie, so to speak. Not sure if that makes sense… lol

        Like most other films I don’t have a good reaction to, I’ve only seen it once but I am willing to give it another chance should enough people convince me. lol

        • Jhane Sez

          “It wasn’t even the vulgarity… I actually enjoyed that. And I did like the concept of the weaved stories. It just didn’t hold my attention the way I’d think it would. And don’t get it twisted… I’m not a person who only enjoys conventional, linear films, this one just didn’t grab me. One thing that kinda irked me about it was that everyone seemed to be talking AT each other instead of to each other. Though the movie was called Closer, I didn’t feel an actual connection to the movie, so to speak. Not sure if that makes sense… lol”

          This actually does make sense because I had a similar reaction when I first saw the film… I orignially thought it was the Julia Roberts effect, but when it came to cable still nothing

          A friend recommended that I read the play and that helped me put the film into perspective because a lot of the scenes are monologues that lost impact on the screen ~JS

        • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/ Naturally Alise

          “It wasn’t even the vulgarity… I actually enjoyed that. ”

          ummmmmm, o_0

      • http://twitter.com/Phidelity15 Phidelity15

        Yeah I’m really not sure why the hate for Closer. I thought it was pretty damn good.

      • Jessica

        Mine as well. I cant believe everyone is going in on it!

      • Purp

        It’s one of my fave movies too. I just saw it 3 weeks ago for the first time and I can relate to it all. Especially Clive and Julia. I love it because it’s so brutally honest and shows you how emotional humans really are. Whatever I liked it. lol

    • hehe

      Clive Owen was so sexy in the movie. OMG!

      • Girl Kanyeshrug

        I really liked the movie and I was all for Clive…

        Clive really was very hot.

    • http://uphereoncloud9.com/ Wu Young, Agent of M.E.

      I watched Closer with Moneypenny. We just drove home in silence. Outside of “The Blower’s Daughter (Awesome stalker song btw), Portman’s so-called heavenly flavored tw*t, and the line “Because I’m a f**king caveman!” I have no use for this film. It was just four pretentious a**holes who just happened to be sleeping with each other.

  • NinaFontaine

    1. Takers – Its just EMBARRASSING to get all tingly in front of your mom when they show Idris Elba in his boxer briefs and to hear your mom grunt. #LOSING

    2. American Psycho – Christian Bale was KOKDEEEZLE in this joint. That naked seen OMG yes my mommy said “WOW” very loud……… now I know why I say wow at moments like these its inherent.

    I’m sure others will bring more memories to mind.

    • NinaFontaine

      *scene I was way too excited about this

    • miss t-lee

      I love American Psycho. That movie was wild…lol

      • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

        When goes under those sheets with that woman….It’s just horrifying. Horrifying. *cringing*

        • miss t-lee

          @legitimate soul everytime I hear Phil Collins “Susuido” I think about that movie…lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      1. Takers – Its just EMBARRASSING to get all tingly in front of your mom when they show Idris Elba in his boxer briefs and to hear your mom grunt. #LOSING

      2. American Psycho – Christian Bale was KOKDEEEZLE in this joint. That naked seen OMG yes my mommy said “WOW” very loud……… now I know why I say wow at moments like these its inherent.

      sounds like you and your mom need to go on a cruise. (i mean that in the least disrespectful way possible)

      • NinaFontaine

        Ewwwwwwww! Eff you Champ LMAO and I mean that in the least disrespectful way!

    • bumilla

      american psycho was so necessary on so many, many levels.

    • Jhane Sez

      “2. American Psycho – Christian Bale was KOKDEEEZLE in this joint. That naked seen OMG yes my mommy said “WOW” very loud……… now I know why I say wow at moments like these its inherent.”

      Bret Easton Ellis is hit or miss when it comes to his work translating on screen but this was so on point.

      And Christian Bale must work out like lucifer is after him cause that body is sick ~JS

      • Vanity in Peril

        Christian Bale could do no wrong with that body. Hell he coulda had a tantrum on set and punched MY mom in the face and all I woulda said was “well what did you say to him?”

        Helps that he is an amazing actor with an imdb resume that puts people to shame.

    • WIP

      “1. Takers – Its just EMBARRASSING to get all tingly in front of your mom when they show Idris Elba in his boxer briefs and to hear your mom grunt. #LOSING”

      Pure hilarity.

    • http://www.divinetranquility.wordpress.com Miss Patterson

      “American Psycho – Christian Bale was KOKDEEEZLE in this joint. That naked seen OMG yes my mommy said “WOW” very loud……… now I know why I say wow at moments like these its inherent.”

      Amen.

    • NikiPowell

      been following the site for a while and finally adding to the convo. I totally agree with Nina on this one…Can’t watch either of these with my mom. feel you on the embarrassment of mom grunting.

  • http://www.twitter.com/makinghisstory Evan McAuthur Kane (Shruggie Low-down)

    and sliver…no good can come from that.

    • Righteous

      Definitely not, I remember that always coming on right after I was secretly watching “Red Shoe DIaries”.

  • naturalista88

    “Btw, my birthday, is tomorrow. June 3. #geminiseason #ftw #we’re better than you”
    Better than moi, an Aries?? Balderdash!!

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      He’s a 3. Let him have this. ;)

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        It’s some divine order shat that he was born on the 3rd day of the month…

        • LMNOP

          Probably at 3:33, and when his parents asked the doctor what the baby was, the doctor was like “oh… it’s a 3.”

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

            And his parents just sighed and took him home anyway.

          • Andi

            LOL

    • Imperfect

      Better than moi, an Aries?? Balderdash!!

      Hate much! Ugh!! Yes better than “yoi”! #Geminiseasonsnitches!!

      Don’t argue me, cause not only am I right, but it’s my birthday! And one just can’t be wrong on their birthday. And I’m right!

      One more time for your mind #Geminiseason

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        LOL, not “yoi.” That made me giggle. Twice. #SeeWhatIDidThereForYouGeminiGoons

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          I was so busy giggling, I didn’t wish you a happy birfday! Unless you believe that I said it in giggle-ese. Anyway.

          Happy Birfday! *flings PERFECT confetti since it’s your day*

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

        #AriesDoItBetter

      • Yoles

        ?HAPPY ??????????????BIRTHDAY?????????????? IMPERFEC?

      • Imperfect

        Thank you all so kindly!

        Yoles…I love the ankh. I’ve been trying to find a way to incorporate that symbol into my real life signature for years!

        TAC…We don’t need that hateration in this bloggery. Only thing Aries do better is suck. And not the good kind. Lol

        • Yoles

          that was the female symbol but here is an ankh for you ?

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          (sucks teeth)

          You get a pass cause it’s your birthday. Just for today though. HMPH.

      • naturalista88

        *Lmao* @ “yoi.” I can’t even be mad @ ya sista. Happy birthday & I hope you have many more.

      • Masiotso

        Happy Birthday Imperfect!!!!

    • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

      Happy Birthday! *throws Birthday cake shaped confetti*

    • Sula

      Better than moi, an Aries?? Balderdash!!

      I concur. #AriesPower.

  • minxb

    The Hangover 2.

    Thai. Strip. Club.

    That’s all I’m saying without spoiling it for everyone else who will risk it.

    • Taylormay

      lol i watched the first hangover with my dad… on easter sunday. it wasn’t really awkward until the credits… yikes i still cringe at the thought.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      I saw The Hangover 2 with the men of my family. We laughed. It was cool.

      • http://twitter.com/Phidelity15 Phidelity15

        That movie was such a disappointment. I was warned as I sat down all comfy in the theater seat by Mo and some others on twittah that it wasn’t funny and they were right.

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          It wasn’t as funny as the first, I agree but it doesn’t take much to make me laugh so I’m probably not the best to tell it.

          • minxb

            I found it funny until the end, but you have to consider that the premise of it was the same as the first movie so of course they had to take it to a farther extreme. I still found it funny.

            I just remember sitting in the theatre with my best friend, and thinking as they entered the strip club, “I wonder if anyone else in this theatre has figured out that some of these girls don’t have lady bits…”

            Lo and behold…

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              Yas! Me too. It was totally predictable

            • http://www.greenafrodiva.com Green Afro Diva

              I didn’t think they were gonna show them hanging and swinging. But I thought it was funny too

      • V Renee

        Ummm apparently The Hangover 2 watched me. Because I was dead sleep 25 minutes into it. In my defense the movie started at 11:30 and I warn people all of the time, if it’s after 7:30 am pm, I’m falling asleep.

        • miss t-lee

          LMAO!!!!! :)

  • http://www.twitter.com/RealTalkSuki2 NowSayItWithMe

    Anything with a sex scene & noise. Pulp Fiction ^^^ definitely! LOL Anything with nudity period. My parents are weird like that…

    • Simba.Africanna

      Monster’s Ball.

      yeah. Do. Not.

      • NinaFontaine

        Co-sign! him “making me feel” in front of the parents is NOT cool

      • Caballeroso

        Yeah, co-sign. I learned this one the hard way. Some Oscar winning performances in a movie can’t be enjoyed with mom there watching too. :(

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          “I learned this one the hard way”

          Pause? That’s what she said?

      • http://www.twitter.com/fiveisthenumber fiveisthenumber

        I couldn’t imagine watching Halle have skanky sex with Billy Bob and my peoples were watching…naw naw nawl.

        Of course mama 5 took me to see “Animal House” as a youngster…*life ruint*