“Morning, Church. I’ve Been Fucking Everyone. Oh, And I Have AIDS.” = Worst. Sermon. Ever. » VSB

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“Morning, Church. I’ve Been Fucking Everyone. Oh, And I Have AIDS.” = Worst. Sermon. Ever.

juan-demetrius-mcfarland

We’ve been thinking all morning (actually for just like the last 10 minutes) of a sermon that could possibly be worse than the one Pastor Juan Demetrius McFarland recently gave Shiloh Missionary Baptist Church in Montgomery, where he admitted that he…

A) Was stealing from the church

B) Getting high

C) Sleeping with everyone

D) Sleeping with everyone while having AIDS

…and this is what we’ve come up with so far.

1. “I’m not really a pastor. I’m an alien sent to Earth to kill church members and chew bubble gum. Today, I just ran out of bubble gum.”

2. “Instead of reading the Gospel today, I’d like everyone to listen to this Young Thug mixtape.”

…and that’s it.

VSB
  • miss t-lee

    Like…what the hell mayne?

  • Tonja (aka Cheeks)
    • Pam

      In spite of this story, this tickles me!!

  • “To get a jump on the holidays, today’s sermon is titled “The Gift That Keeps On Giving…”

  • Pam

    “Transmitting a Sexually Transmitted Disease is a Class C misdemeanor?” Nahhhh, I would be calling for a stoning, beheading, or something. I left the “chuch” years ago. I grew up COGIC (and a PK) and saw the shenanigans that went on. There is some mess going on in Memphis right now. I can’t even type anymore…. FOOLERY…

    • Neptunes presents The Clones

      Memphis Tenkeeeeee

    • Asiyah

      I’m sorry Pam, but what is COGIC? Thanks.

      • h.h.h.

        Church Of God In Christ

        • Asiyah

          Thanks, hon!

          • Neptunes presents The Clones

            No problem babe

      • Pam

        No problem Asiyah! COGIC = Church of God In Christ.

        • Wild Cougar

          Oh, you can’t joooooooooin in, you got ta be booooooorn in…….

    • I’m surprised it’s so low. I know in New York State, knowingly transmitting HIV is grounds for attempted murder. If you do it on the level the pastor has done (and sadly, that has happened multiple times), you can face 25 to life. He’s going to talk with a misdemeanor? Someone fix that law!

    • Rachmo

      My ninja…PK over here. You get a peek behind that curtain and you are like whhhhhaaaattt in the he11 is going on here? I mean I know preachers are people too but sometimes I couldn’t wrap my mind around the craziness that was happening.

      • Pam

        You know it!!! This right here is no surprise. Being a PK affords (for lack of a better word) you the knowledge that yes they are human, but should NOT be leading anyone. What I learned is that the cliché “Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely” is very true.

    • AlwaysCC

      what’s going on in memphis right now? keep me in the loop! *gives you memphis dap*

      • ALM247

        There is ALWAYS something going on in churches in Memphis….pastors wives fighting alleged mistresses….it’s out there online….a Google search will give you your fill.

        • AlwaysCC

          she seemed to be referencing something specific…so i was wondering what she was talking about. is it gossip if it’s the truth? lol

    • Dmaclee

      My husband’s home church pastor is the former legal council for the COGIC. Straight mess.

  • Pastors get all the cheeks and have been doing so for decades. That part didn’t surprise me at all and neither did the stealing. How you wake up every Sunday and slide into church knowing you were riding the Pastor the night prior?? Wild.

    • Heavens2Murgatroid

      Church for some is a real life social app

      • I just don’t see why women don’t aim higher, if you’re going to be messy at least get with a man who’s got money. Have an affair with your city’s DA or the Mayor.

        • Heavens2Murgatroid

          In the Gump (and other parts of the South) pastors are on the same level as politicians

        • Epsilonicus

          Those men are a bit harder to reach in big cities. #NoKwameKilpatrick

        • kidvideo

          Every chick cain’t pull a DA/Mayor.

          • Real talk, my ex gave me some real talk on the pastor movement. For a lot of working class and poor Black folks, becoming a pastor is much more accessible than becoming a doctor or lawyer or successful businessman. As a result, a lot of brothers aim for the power of the pulpit, and a lot of sisters aim to hump the pastor, because the other options are the neighborhood clocker or a bunch of fast food workers, retail workers and janitors. If people can’t access real power, they’ll create their own power sources.

            • Amazonian Midget

              Which is exactly why I will exercise my second amendment rights as First Lady when my husband gets his church. I don’t play that.

              • Dmaclee

                I’m with you. I’ve already said that I will shoot people. Please don’t play with me.

              • Talk about gunning for that number one spot!

      • As Ice Cube said, church ain’t nothing but a fashion show! :)

    • Neptunes presents The Clones

      YOLO

    • This is why I like the North. The sinners up here tend to have the sense to find other venues to spend their Sundays. :) Hence, relatively fewer scandals.

      But this whole situation reminds me of the intro to this song…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9seJOFe-m0

  • Wild Cougar

    He has his VIP front row seat in hades waiting for him.

    • miss t-lee

      No line, no wait.

      • AlwaysCC

        no collection of $200 as he passes go.

  • Not to make light of a tragic situation but….

    3. “..And now I would like to ask our guest speaker Tommy Sotomayor to please come to the pulpit.”

    • Malcolm X

      Tommy*

    • Nah…Tommy Sotomayor might be a sexist, but he isn’t as bad as this dude. The worse dude got is some domestic violence cases. He wasn’t running wild burning chicks.

      • I agree, nothing can ever be as bad as Juan McFarland’s sermon and actions. But, can you imagine sitting in a pew in the second row, unable to get up and leave without an usher giving you the stink-eye and forced to listen to Sotomayor berate black women for at least an hour? For me that would be pure torture.

        • Beatween being horribly insulted and Combivir, the insults win. No Truvada for me, thanks!

          • MysteryMeat

            ^^^this made me giggle for a bunch of reasons

  • Neptunes presents The Clones

    Man,i should have been a pastor or politician. Those two lines of work are easily the most effective to hit the levels of Wilt in terms of hits. Women cant resist power and the good word lol

    • PunchDrunkLove

      That ain’t the “good word”, those are lies and trickery

      • Neptunes presents The Clones

        Well,fact remains it works no matter how many times these stories show up. I have never understood how they do it though,is it because pastors give an ear and the women feel the need to return the favor

        • PunchDrunkLove

          Cause they aren’t ministers of God. They’re ministers of the devil

          • Neptunes presents The Clones

            The explain the female pastor in Nigeria who strips while preaching lmao

            • PunchDrunkLove

              Calling yourself one don’t make you one.

              • Neptunes presents The Clones

                Then what makes you one. Because this is not an Evangelical churches issue. It cuts across all cruxes of the different christian factions

                • LadyIbaka

                  When you lead in truth and in Spirit, with no intent to profit or take advantage of the congregants (yes it’s a word, I think.)

                • Wild Cougar

                  People do bad things in the name of love, country, religion. But only religion is blamed for bad actors. How about lets blame the United Kingdom for all of the heinous, horrendous, vicious, brutal and downright evil things done in its name. The United Kingdom should be banned. On principle.

                  • PunchDrunkLove

                    “But only religion is blamed for bad actors.”

                    Yep, that’s because as much as the devil can discredit (which he can’t) the church and believers, he’s gon try.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      People talk about politics the same way

            • LadyIbaka

              LOL! Lieeees! Which church is this?!?!?

              • Neptunes presents The Clones

                Look it up

          • LadyIbaka

            Giiiiirl, PREACH! It is very important to ask God to grant you the spirit to discern the real from the sheep’s clothing. Many are called but few are chosen. And it is very important to keep in mind that, a church is not the building, or the pastor! It is where two or three are gathered in His name.

            • PunchDrunkLove

              On the real. People are quick to take jabs at mishaps and what not happening in church, that ain’t church! In God’s church (you’re right not the building), the one written in heaven, these kinds of shenanigans ain’t happening. In places where this is happening, that ain’t the Church, it’s the devil!! It ain’t God’s fault!

        • camilleblu

          simple. it’s because THESE particular kind of *pastors* that are being discussed are predators and they do what predators do.

    • Men of the cloth have the weakest of strokes, I don’t see why women get caught up.

      • Neptunes presents The Clones

        I highly doubt it’s all about the shag. These guys cavort with entire congregations. Politicians i get,women want power. But pastors…

        • camilleblu

          pastors are powerful people – especially those that head large congregations.

          • Neptunes presents The Clones

            At the same levels as politicians,come on Camille.

            • camilleblu

              you need to do a little research and get back to me. pastors are leaders, which makes them powerful by proxy. women AND men are drawn to power. how do you think jim jones got all those folks to drink the kool aid?

              • Neptunes presents The Clones

                Fashion sense perhaps.

              • LadyIbaka

                Better tell it!!!!

            • LadyIbaka

              Ummmmmm, yes on the same level as politicians!

            • Rachmo

              Ooooh yes. Especially in the Black church.

        • Actually, the power of God is more of a turn-on than the power of man. Same game, same coach, been starting…same triangle offense!

      • #shotsfired DAMN!

    • Rachmo

      My dad used to use me as a force field bc he’s a good looking dude. After he preached he would make me come stand in front of him while he shook all of the women’s hands.

      • ALM247

        Oh Lord, I am getting a visual of a young person being overwhelmed with perfume and brown face powder at 12:45 pm every Sunday. LOL

        • Rachmo

          Ma’am, I didn’t need that in my life. I was irritated like “you’re not on my mom’s level so why are you attempting?”

  • Keisha Rhines

    not Young Thug??? LMAO

    • It could have been Gucci Mane. )

      • IcePrincess

        Welp, he does have a series of mixtapes called Trap God….

  • PunchDrunkLove

    Dern shame. Bout like that pastor that was killed by a parishioner’s hubs. He was getting it in with the women there, and one husband didn’t take to kind to that. Walked up to him while in service and killed him. He got EXACTLY what he deserved. One thing I know, you can’t and better not play with God. If you’re misleading folks, he’ll allow the box to get kicked wide open….look at Eddie Long. Just as sure as heaven is happy, he’ll (being God) will set back and let you get everything that’s coming. That’s whethere you’re fooled or whether you’re fooling.
    If you gon be saved, get saved for real. Having the witness within yourself, you know for yourself. Many folks say they are and believe folks that talk a good game, God has to claim you back, put his seal on you. Lemme tell you, the devil loooooves to hang out at church. He can mimick and do NEARLY everything he sees the true believer doing. He can shout, holler, get happy, pay tithes, etc etc etc), but he can’t live right, and if he’s not called, he can’t preach. Therein lies the difference. Folks get fooled cause they ain’t reading for themselves and having that relationship with the Holy Spirit. Taking folks at their word and getting hands laid on you will cause you to end up getting killed, imprisoned, in affairs, etc.
    I had a young cousin playing this game, going through the women at church. I told him that was a dangerous game he was playing. Where is he today? Six feet under. Shot at 21. I was a few years older than him at the time. Either do your thing or be saved. God can deal with that. But in the church with shenanigans will bring about swift judgement. Folks are ousted cause they need to be.

    • Neptunes presents The Clones

      Clearly there is alot going on beneath those sunday hats

    • WHOAitsJasmine

      Eh…don’t you think murder is a bit of an excessive punishment for extramarital sex? Punishment doesn’t really fit the crime, does it?

      • Epsilonicus

        Oh it is definitely excessive. Extremist Muslims believe that too and we call those folks evil so…

        • Wild Cougar

          You can call it excessive if you want to. But check what happens to preachers that do this. Apparently it isn’t excessive to Him, so your definition of evil and God’s definition might not be in agreement.

          • Epsilonicus

            I am just noting the hypocrisy. Christians complain when Muslims do this, calling them extreme and evil when they call for killing because of adultery but are perfectly fine with other Christians stating this as appropriate.

            • Wild Cougar

              What Christians are you speaking of? All of them? A few? Are you mixing in the non Christians that complain? Can people in general complain about it? I am so weary of the flawed logic in the argument that all Christians are hypocrites because of what you perceive them to believe and espouse, at large, all of them, without exception and what you think they do, all of them, as a group. So if you call yourself a Christian, you are going to be called a hypocrite, no matter what you believe, espouse or do because somebody is butthurt about what somebody in a church did to them one time so they are on a hate campaign. It’s a dumb azz argument and it really needs to be retired.

              • PunchDrunkLove

                So goes the way of the world.

            • ALM247

              I think the key that PunchDrunkLove was pointing out is that in the Christian church a lot of the adulterers are MINISTERS who are supposed to be leading the church by example.

              In some (not all) other cases, the people being killed are specifically women (who are not necessarily spiritual leaders), and the men who cheat do not get the same punishment.

              • Epsilonicus

                I want people to be leery of using the same language and ideas we criticize others for having.

              • PunchDrunkLove

                No, I’m not saying that. Everything that claims Christainty is not. I never said a lot of the adulterers are ministers. In the Christian Church, God’s church you won’t find misbehaving. I didn’t say perfection, I said misbehaving. That’s the only point I’m making. There are true men and women of God that are led by God.
                Everything else, no matter how big the congregation, if it’s ratchetness going on, they are NOT ministers of God, representing God nor the life of Salvation. Again, just cause someone claims to be or say they are don’t make it true.

                As the good book says:
                Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

                • ALM247

                  Ok. I apologize for misinterpreting your words.

            • PunchDrunkLove

              What Christians? Never heard a “christian” a day in my life complaining or hypocriting over muslims. “Christians” know adultery is adultery. Maybe you’re referring to radicals and advocates of some cause, but Christians they are not.

              • Epsilonicus

                There are lots of Christians who say that Muslims are barbaric for killing people who commit adultery. Every where.

                • PunchDrunkLove

                  Where? I haven’t heard that. You said “Christians”, right? Okay, haven’t heard that.

                  • Wild Cougar

                    The Christians in his head are always contradicting themselves.

                    • PunchDrunkLove

                      I’m starting to realize this.

                • Heavens2Murgatroid

                  I see what you’re getting at, I think. Those ppl claiming to be Christians are just that – wannabes. True Christians express love, if they don’t do that then you know their qualified to be called Christians. I get that ppl would have a natural instinct to get enraged in such situation, but to stay enraged is not the way of a Christian. But that’s my 2¢

      • PunchDrunkLove

        This is all Imma say and get on back to work. No, it was not extreme. It’s a dangerous thing to play with God. God didn’t intervene to prevent his death. Look, God should not be likened to man or mankind. He sits high, he watches low, he’s controls and runs this world. Almighty, all seeing, all powerful. He is love, omnipotent patient, kind, and every good there we can name, he is here for us when we call out to him, when we need him, when we desire to change and do better, but he’s not to be played with. When you’re willing to damn frolks to hell by misleading them, use and abuse them, the Word of God being the means, yeah you could very well get yourself cut off….as in cut off from the land of the living. We should NEVER assume one way or the other with God. And if you wanna just be a wh0re, you stand a better chance to do your thing. Leave God out of it. But using the pulpit and the good book as a means to deceive people? Naw that ain’t cool. It is a dangerous thing to handle the Word of God,ESPECIALLY if you haven’t been called. God is the same today, yesterday and he changeth not. You should read the old testament. If you thought this was harsh, you should read how swift judgement came back in those times. He’s still THAT God. Some folks can roll with that, some folks say they don’t like that, whatevs….I say do you. Me? I gots no problem with it. The only reason we have as much grace and mercy today is because we have Jesus as our mediator and the blood applied to our hearts for the remission of our sins and him always working on our behalf. When you trample over the grace of God, judgement is inevitable. This is a supernatural thing. Free your mind and read the good book. It will give you a better understanding when some things God will allow to be.
        I’ll add this last thing, for EVERY person doing something henious like this cat, there is more than one opportunity to change and refrain. But when you won’t and you think you got the patent on fuggery, then eventually what’s coming for you will come. Rarely are folks sentenced to prison on the first offence. It may be the first offense on record, but if you do anything enough, you will get caught. Doesn’t matter if no one saw you…God sees. THAT is what I mean by the mercy of God. You have the opportunity to change and go another way. If you don’t then, again, eventually you get caught.

        • PunchDrunkLove

          HEINOUS…I can’t modify my post, it will go back into moderation. Excuse my typos, please :)

          • ALM247

            Wow. PunchDrunkLove, both of your comments on this topic are amazing. I’m not sure if you are in the ministry, but you sound like the perfect type of person to witness to people and bring people to Christ. Have a good weekend.

            • PunchDrunkLove

              Have a nice long (holiday, yay)weekend!

        • Lex The Impaler

          Agreed. There is no sin worse than that of leading others to sin.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        I have a reply for you in moderation….NO IT IS NOT EXCESSIVE.

      • Wild Cougar

        There are a few things I was taught and I still believe. If you get in the pulpit to lead people and you start acting ugly, you will get the worst punishment of all the people. I’ve seen it again and again. Preachers who abuse don’t get grace. They get struck down in the most tragic and public fashion. Never fails.

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