You know, I used to say that I refused to date a(nother) woman with “daddy issues.” Though difficult to define, “daddy issues” are as easy to spot as Shaquille O’Neal in a swarm of midget Spanish ninjas. Or porn. With absentee fatherism and all around Blackness at an all time high, the complaints of neglect or the constant testing to prove one’s love linger as remnants of a past failed parental relationship surface.
Something I’ve learned, however, is that even women with fathers who are present and accounted for in their lives still manage to have these “daddy issues”. This has always confused me as I’d assumed that women with present fathers just had to be more balanced and more emotionally stable than those without. Right? Right?
Wrong. Who knew? And here I thought relationships in the Black community were going the way of the condor because of rap music. Who knew that parenting had as much to do with one’s development as hip-hop. Damn you LL.
But I digress.
Apparently fathers have been wreaking havoc on relationships for eons. And unless Obama wins the Presidency, will probably continue to do so.
And let’s be clear here, I’m well aware that many men out there are screwed up when it comes to relationships. And a large part of it is the lack of a positive male-female example. Many men don’t know how to treat women and its because there was nobody to actually show them (us) what to do. Men have both mommy and daddy issues. Hell, the whole concept of being a mama’s boy is a “mommy issue”. If your mother becomes your wife, and you’re not in West Virginia or Montana, you likely have a problem.
Or our lack of emotional communication. I don’t ever actually remember my mother ever telling me to be more open and communicative. Then again, my dad isn’t exactly a big talker. No wonder I can clam up when it comes to having to express emotions and feelings. Sorry baby.
Obviously, children’s faults in life are largely the sum total of all of our parents mistakes. There’s no way in hell that our future relationships don’t suffer when all we have to witness of relationships are the failings of some of our parents. Most of us meander through life trying to figure out why we think the way we do or why all of our relationships have the same issues. We usually are able to figure out at some point that the very problems we bring to our relationships are the same things we witness our parents going through.
It sure as hell is hard to figure out how to go right when all you’ve seen in life is wrong. Now I know that it’s wholly possible to enter into and maintain a substantial and positive relationship even if you’re the product of a home that’s more broken than the prosecution in the R. Kelly trial.
But I have to wonder, people of VSB.com, how hard do you think it is to overcome your own family while creating a new one? Do you believe in the concept of “daddy issues?” I’ve had women tell me that they don’t exist, while exhibiting every possible issue I’d associate with the term. More importantly…
…who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?
-VSB P
P.S. Every now and then we do get serious around here at VSB.com
P.P.S. Also, I’m in cahoots with a clique of people reppin’ that Exchange Blocc of the Muxtape Set Gang. Check out our muxtape online at http://exchange.muxtape.com. This week’s topic was Teenage Love Affair so all the songs reflect all the participants favorite songs from our lovestruck teens years…ya know, before cynicism set in. Check it out…
I personally agree with avoiding women with daddy issues. One girl I dated comes to mind quickly, and the had the worst issues when it came to trusting men. Literally I would say X, and I would instantly be covering up for something else of somehow I was just full of sh*t (and I actually wasn’t lying either … go figure).
Her’s were bad, but its just a recurring theme. I don’t want to fault them for something that isn’t their fault, but almost feel like I have to.
Many women with daddy issues have been hurt and/or neglected by the 1st man who is supposed to show them love and respect. As I stated before, fathers play a crucial role in the lives of their daughters and will determine how that female will conduct herself in adulthood. If a woman didn’t get the love she needed from her father, then she will seek out other men to fill that void. Unsuspecting boyfriends my unknowingly end up playing the missing daddy which is not healthy or the way to have a long lasting relationship.
“Many women with daddy issues have been hurt and/or neglected by the 1st man who is supposed to show them love and respect”
*dapz muse*
That is the main culprit of the rise of teenage pregnancies and teenage STD’s. We must teach these girls to love and respect yourself first.
*i know that’s my recurring theme..but i tell you it works!! *
“I don’t want to fault them for something that isn’t their fault, but almost feel like I have to.”
*bible study*
Great post! I have to say from my observation, women who had a positive male role modeling growing up whether it was daddy, uncle, brother, God father etc., tend to make better choices when it comes to mates and have higher self esteem. There is something about having a good man around growing up that makes the woman stronger and okay with kicking men who can’t meet their standards to the curve. I notice this with my girlfriends. Those of us who were raised with our fathers tend to have a low tolerance for bullshit; those who didn’t tend to be more clingy when it comes to relationship. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but general fathers really do have a powerful impact on the lives of their daughters. I also believe that men treat you differently when they know you have a father who is active in your life. I’m not sure what it is but when a guy meets my parents, especially my father, they don’t screw with me as much as they would if I was all alone in this world.
A male role model is very important and doesn’t necessarily have to be a father. Uncles and grandfathers play very important roles too. A mentor can be really important too. As long as there is a male role model present, it makes a big impact on children. A mother is a great role model too, but she can’t replace the role of a father. There are certain characteristics that a father has that a mother doesn’t (and vice-versa).
I agree with the respect part too. When I introduce guys to my father, they show a lot more respect towards me. They get intimidated by my father because he’s very tough at first.
“I also believe that men treat you differently when they know you have a father who is active in your life. I’m not sure what it is but when a guy meets my parents, especially my father, they don’t screw with me as much as they would if I was all alone in this world.”
this is a good point. i never really considered this before, but it’s definitely true
It’s true though. Think about it champ would you be more careful with a chick you were dating if you knew her pops was there to break your neck if you did her wrong or was disrespectful? I think not.
@Muse. Role models are over rated. Parents instilling good values, practices, and beliefs in their children trump role models all day long.
Apparently fathers have been wreaking havoc on relationships for eons. And unless Obama wins the Presidency, will probably continue to do so.
Do you you really think that when Obama becomes President all of our problems will be magically fixed?? When reading the above quote it sort of seems that way, no beef.
I believe that the sex of a person weighs heavily on the relationships between parents. Just like men avoid women with ‘daddy issues’, I personally avoid guys with an Oedipus complex.
In new relationships, I try so very hard to not to be like my parents that I find myself saying this like, ‘I am truly my mother’s child.’ after a nasty argument with someone…lol. I had my Dad around, we really close before he passed away. So maybe i’m lost, but what exactly are signs of daddy issues?
“Do you you really think that when Obama becomes President all of our problems will be magically fixed??”
i think p was being a bit facetious, but at the same time, i dont think you can underestimate the effect of having a complete black family in the white house can have on our community, subconsciously at least.
Yeah, I’m gonna go with facetious for $1,000 please Alex.
It was partially a nod to Obama’s fathers day speech to Black men.
But signs of daddy issues…good question. I’ll give some examples from women I’ve dated. Mind you, at the time, I didn’t realize it. It took some thought:
1) one ex couldn’t trust me for shit. come to find out her father was constantly flaking on her for her entire life. not being where he said he’d be or doing what he said he’d do. man did that one manifest itself.
2) making me constantly prove my love and/or constantly looking for validation. i think this is a big one. i think fathers and parents in general are our first source of real validation of our opinions and esteem. when you’re lacking there you tend to go through life searching for validation from other people, specifically the people you date. as opposed to feeling comfortable and knowing that what you bring to the table is substantial, there is a constant need for reassurance that what you bring to the table is substantial. or even in conversation, a constant longing for an opinion to be acknowledged as a good one, etc.
3) neglect issues that turn into control issues. i think chicks with daddy issues have more control issues than chicks without them. understandably so. if you’re without a central father figure who is dependable and emotionally reliable, you may go out of your way to make sure that you’re in control of every situation so that you can control your emotions at all times. its a defense mechanism.
that’s just a few…i’m sure others can chirp in.
P, i’m giving you the slow clap on that one buddy. #1-3 were definitely on point.
Thanks Miss P…that makes my heart warm. Ain’t nothing like the slow clap…
“Slow Clap”
Hmm, that’s either a terrible STD or a great name for a misogynistic reggae song.
you made it a hot disease, ima make it a hot song. LOL!
““Slow Clap”
Hmm, that’s either a terrible STD or a great name for a misogynistic reggae song.”
this made me choke on my sausage links and tea
for real, for real…#1 – 3…exist indpendently of the lack/existence of a Father figure…although it’s prevelant…basically, if you aren’t reinforced to have self esteem/respect/love/awareness…there are holes left in your being…then we (speakin in general) look OUTSIDE for those holes to be filled, instead of INSIDE…and fail er’time!
you try to put band-aids on bullet wounds and end up bleeding to death…
@Panama Jackson. I don’t think any of your examples are ONLY for “daddy issue” people. You can use those same examples on just about ANY victim. This subject is fictitious in my eyes.
I was raised by a bunch of women (mom, grandmas, greatgrannies, aunts etc…errbody) and my father was not at all a part of my life. In fact, I met him until 4 years ago (I’m 32 now) but I’ve found that I have a great deal of intolerance when it comes to dealing with men. I am not distrustful nor am I clingy. Aloof and indifferent have been used to describe me. What happens in my relationships that seem to be working out? I end them. Upon reflection, I think the core is that I would rather not be abandoned, so I control the outcome of the relationship. So, I would agree with the “controlling” assessment but perhaps you meant it differently.
I believe both parents have a GREAT impact on future relationships, whether or not they are both present. Sometimes your parents presence can be damaging.
My parents are married, and I suppose they love each other but their relationship is strange…I feel like its missing warmth and communication. From my perspective, they don’t communicate well…yes they talk, and have intelligent conversations from time to time, but I feel like the only time they are really open with each other about how something makes them feel is when they are angry, which usually means my mom is yelling and my is dad grunting angrily but not saying much…this usually continues until he can no longer take it and he shouts shut up!
Lol…that’s how their relationship is…and while my sisters and I find it somewhat comical, we all agree that the relationship they have with each other and the way they communicate with us has had a negative affect on the way we function in relationships whether social or intimate. When it comes to me and my sisters my father doesn’t really communicate much, and he’s not affectionate except for the occasional hug. My mother on the other hand is somewhat manipulative, overbearing and oppressive…never have I had a real conversation with her about how something made me feel. Don’t get me wrong my parents were good parents overall, they love me and I had everything I needed…but I inherited issues!
I have issues with getting too close to people, and I find it hard to speak up for myself and communicate my feelings when it really matters. When I am in a relationship, I usually have a very hard time communicating my feelings or needs until there is a problem or until a small problem gets worse. I guess you can say I have daddy AND mommy issues…but I’m working on it!
**dang this is long!
“dang this is long!”
vsb.com: where longwindedness happens
i get what you’re saying though. its amazing how many traits we pick up from what occured in our homes growing up.
you know, actually, to be honest, its not amazing. it makes perfect sense
it is written in jade:
a family can be just as dysfunctional where the father and mother are present as where one or both are absent.
“a family can be just as dysfunctional where the father and mother are present as where one or both are absent.”
Truth.
The interesting thing about issues (mommy, daddy, no mommy, no daddy, all of the above, none of the above) is that everyone has them.
Some are different from others. Some are dare I say worse than others, but everyone has issues and most of the stem from childhood.
That’s why I’m a firm believer in dating a wide variety of people with different backgrounds. It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself from others.
girl i so feel you. My parents are married and together and they really shouldn’t be. I knew this when i was 8 and wished they’d get a divorce (not to mention my mother told me she wanted to divorce my father but wouldn’t because of us kids). My mom is like yours too and its not that i couldn’t have a conversation with her but if i said anything about my real emotions it would come back to bite me. In fact a lot of things came back to bite me so i stopped telling her anything important to me. And I couldn’t tell my brothers or my father b.c. she would eventually get it out of them. So I have trust issues a little bit but my daddy loves me and made sure I knew this. So I don’t have daddy issues but i kinda have a problem communicating my feelings. And Cuz I’m scared its going to come back on me in an argument. And I’m scared I’ll get into a relationship with a weak man and turn into a superb*tch accidentally. So I used to only date guys who had a known expiration date (i.e. only around for the summer, lived out of state/across town) so i could toss them if shit got ugly, and never had to see them again. So yea, cosign on how both parents around can fuck you up too.
“I believe both parents have a GREAT impact on future relationships, whether or not they are both present. Sometimes your parents presence can be damaging. ”
how about my folks…got married before I was born…divorced each other when I was in college…married each other again before I finished school…and are now working on divorce number 2, from each other! This tupe of ish..could really ruin a woman made of less dense material…I mean damn! dysfunction much!
@Miss KBS. I think this is common male/female behavior in most households. I just think men don’t know how to communicate… period.
i told myself i wasn’t going to comment for awhile, but this is an important topic, so here goes: i believe that daddy issues DO exist & that it is most certainly not a bunch of psycho babble as some folks out there would have you believe. there are no consistent signs of daddy issues but some include: choosing emotionally unavailable men, accepting abuse (in all forms) and seeking men for the sake of having A Man in your life. Bottom line, when you’re young it’s easy to fall into these behaviors and become a product of the daddy neglect…but ultimately i think it is your responsibility as an adult to seek out therapy when you see the pathology in your own behavior. Therapy helps to illustrate how you can set new criteria for more positive, reciprocal love in your relationships with men. Therapy is the only way to break the cycle of abuse.
“but ultimately i think it is your responsibility as an adult to seek out therapy when you see the pathology in your own behavior. ”
Sunday Bible School!!! (to quote and cite Champ)
I’d only add that you don’t always need traditional therapy unless the issues and the fallout are severe and mental and physical abuse are in the folds. I think just being aware that no one escapes life without learning lessons I think is a start. And to me the lessons you were sent to learn have a greater value and reward at the end. Finding people who model great or better relationship behavior to is also helpful…like neighbors, grandparents, aunts and uncles…
I’m all about the personal resp after about 17 you can’t really continue blaming people and a parent for what they did to you.
“I’m all about the personal resp after about 17 you can’t really continue blaming people and a parent for what they did to you.”
Thank you…that’s what’s up. For years, I had MAJOR issues surrounding the whole thing with my donor…got Moms preggers, ran off to the Army, married another woman, etc. and so on. One day (probably right around the time I went to college), I realized that what happened between them was just that…between them. She made a bad choice…but since I was the result, was it all really that bad?
I agree or should I say “Mormon Tabernacle”!!!!
Our parents have flaws. They make and made mistakes and I’m sure some of our future and present crumb crushers will be talkin bad about us on their watches (with blogs).
I don’t believe in mistakes its all divine. It all has meaning and purpose in it.
“but since I was the result, was it all really that bad?” This is an excellent point CBG and one that I too remind myself of frequently. It’s easy to overlook the fact that you/we were the obvious blessing that came out of an unfortunate love affair.
way to take some responsibility in righting and helping yourself.
“but ultimately i think it is your responsibility as an adult to seek out therapy when you see the pathology in your own behavior. ”
Sunday Bible School!!! (to quote and cite Champ)”
** mt. zion christian academy**
@Comback girl. I totally agree. At some point, one has to take actions for their own development. If you realize that you didn’t learn how to act in a health relationship, seek thearpy or read a book. Get yourself right and stop blaming others like you daddy, mama, sister, bro, etc.
Oh yeah…daddy issues are very real. Its like white people not acknowledging racism still being alive.
As for overcoming your own family while beginning your new one? It seems to me that first you need to identify the problem/issue(s), accept them for what they are, and then work your way thru them.
I guess it sound easier said than done, but it’s possible.
It’s definitely easier said than done. Ya know, sometimes I think my dealing with my own familial issues is because I’m so easily able to give up control of situations that I can’t do anything about.
For instance, I feel absolutely at ease and safe in airplanes. You know why? Cuz if its going down…it’s going down and there ain’t shit I can do about it, so I’m at total peace.
My sister on the other hand who grew up with me has some serious issues (acknowledged) with stuff like that. She’s of the “don’t put yourself in a situation to fuck yourself” school of thought. Same household, different experience.
Both of us were shaped and molded by our parents broken marriage and subsequent remarriages (not to mention the mixed race thing…oy vey) but I can see where my parents made mistakes and didn’t allow my sister to achieve the esteem she needed that she’s only now coming into. Which is tragic…sometimes I imagine what she could have done had she just been more believing of herself, but my father was hands off with all of my sisters and felt my mother should handle that.
Me? I’m raising a queen jack! Lesson learned.
the man has the most responsibility in guiding the entire family. …wife, how the kids are raised (male or female) etc.
just one black man’s opinion.
“the man has the most responsibility in guiding the entire family. …wife, how the kids are raised (male or female) etc.
just one black man’s opinion.”
**saturday night service**
@GK. I agree hands down. Since ya’ll stay in Sunday School let me quote a preacher. “The father is supposed to be the one to lead the family in EVERYTHING. Rather it is getting the family up and going to church or deciding where the family vacation should be. If the man is not leading.. where does that leave his family?”
This is tooooooooooo true. A man can’t take a handsoff approach with the daughters of the household. A father needs to be a man/leader at all times.
You make a valid point about parents treating their sons and daughters differently.
I used to argue with my parents about this all the time.
I was a jr. feminist talking about this is the 1980′s not the 1950′s………LOL.
I believe as you rightfully pointed out. EVERYBODY HAS/HAD flawed Parents. thats even when the parents are together, seperated, divorced. etc.
Some of the MOST flawed MEN I’ve seen are products of parents who “tried to make it work”…to the point that the mother is silenced and the father get’s a carte blanche “asshole” card…UNCHECKED.
No one escapes this life without lessons to learn and how to deal be it in a romantic or platonic relationship.
And yes, my father leaves alot to be desired. But you reap what you sew. And he is “enjoying” his harvest as I type this. And I’m not saying that in a “ha, negro that’s what you get”. Because for a long time, I don’t think he ever thought about being a father. Its only now, where it appears just from what I heard that he has tons of regrets. And I never thought I’d see the day that he would need my help.
To me there is a spiritual lesson too (there ALWAYS are). I think your parents are indicators of everything you must learn and vice versa. The present and the absent one.
Last time I checked no one leaves this life without doing the spiritual work willingly or otherwise. And if a man has perfect parents (people who never inspired him to grow even in their human flaws) …I’d run the other way.
At this point those are the men whom I deeply attracted …men who are reflective and can see on the other side.
Parents teach children what they want and don’t want to be. My father is a great man but as I get older I realize that he is flawed. HOWEVER did his job as a father and was there emotionally as well as financially. BTW my parents are divorced but my father was the primary parent. I believe that has had a major impact on my decisions as an adult. BTW I’m pretty much a square who hasn’t gotten into any trouble with the law, did well in school, went to a top college, has a great career, no abortions, baby daddies, or any serious dramatic experiences that would caused me to be spiritually damaged. I give credit to my dad for making sure I was equipped to make good life decisions. My mom also gets credit but there is something about seeing my dad disappointed that stopped me from making bad decisions or getting involved with suspect people.
@Muse. Hats off to your dad for doing his thing. My mom did the same for me but I did have one run in what the law but seriously that wasn’t my fault
And why is Daddy issues more prevasive and detrimental to a relationship than Mommy issues (to the black man)…
I think they are equally bad. Let us not forget the Black women (mothers) in the Black man’s life, who wants/ed to coddle her son so much, that he’s no good to ANY woman much less in a committed relationship or marriage.
I don’t call them Mama’s boys…I call them Mama’s little husbands. And there are plenty. There are women today who are raising black men ALONE and she’s not teaching him the importance of being responsible, working…or being a good man to another woman. and how could we really fault her in the end particularly because her frame’s of reference leave a lot to be desired.
Exactly! I had an ex of mine who’s mom was so destructive to our relationship. My ex’s sister said that the mom was jealous of our relationship. I didn’t get it! If her son was at my home, she would constantly call and always interfere. Her son was in his 20s but she couldn’t accept that he was a grown man. Mothers need to raise their boys to be men.
“Mothers need to raise their boys to be men.”
I agree but this is difficult when the cycle perpetuates and all she wanted was a man to love and commit to her…and in a weird way some women find that in their sons. Its sad. But to me there’s not much you can do with these type of men…but send them on home to mama.
“all she wanted was a man to love and commit to her”
So true and yet so sad… but is the reason why she can’t let go. She finally has a man that loves her and now he is pulling away after everything she’s done for him.
I have heard women say the last part before (he gonna leave and treat his mama that way after everything I done did for him?)
Mama needs to go to counseling and get her a man…
I’m not saying that a mother shouldn’t want her children to love them, but that she should raise them to be good, productive people with morals and values instead of making them dependent on her.
If her mind set was right, she could see that her family has the potential to grow and have even more people love on her.
Honestly, who doesn’t love grandma?
mothers lack the full capability to raise a boy to be a man. i’m not saying a single mother can’t raise a boy that eventually becomes a good man but it’s the male examples around him (male friends, grandfathers, uncles, other folks dads, tv, etc.) that end up influencing and imparting more on him of what a man is and does. i’m not trying to take anything away from women, just saying what i believe. a woman can’t teach a man how to be a man. see my post below that answers P-Jacks question:
“…who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?”
omg…i agree with GK. (smile) I had a friend in college whose dad used to preach on this very topic. i’m paraphrasing but he said “that a woman can raise a boy, but not a man”. it’s not a dis’ on a woman’s ability AT ALL, but rather a statement about the profoundness of influence that male presence has on a boy’s development into manhood. why else do you think Ms. Reva dropped Tre off at his daddy’s house in Boys n the Hood? huh? (i just lost all credibility in that statement, didn’t i?)
“why else do you think Ms. Reva dropped Tre off at his daddy’s house in Boys n the Hood? huh? (i just lost all credibility in that statement, didn’t i?)”
shit, you actually gained some credibility. thats the best cinematic example of “father knowing whats best for a son” that i can think of
I agree GK you can’t. My heart goes out to a woman who thinks she can. But trust there’s “equal blame” to go all the way around. At least “most” women don’t instinctually bounce. She tries to make it do what it do.
What does that say about a “man”??
I can ponder and do back seat child rearing and quarter backing, cause I don’t have kids, but I would pray that I would let the father in (if he wants to be there or make peace with the converse), show my son better examples of being a man (by introducing him to other great examples), and do my own inner work to not look for something in my son that CAN NOT BE THERE.
I JUST finished a book called “Can Black Mothers raise our sons?” by Lawson Bush V, AWESOME book…POWERFUL read…I am recommending it for the clubbus bookus…
@GK, Miss Patterson & Champ. I agree with you all. A radio personality here stated that after a son is off the breast he should go live with his father so he can learn how to be a man. He talked about how women are stubborn and refuse to give the boys to their father until they fail miserably then want to send the child to his father at age 12-15 (when he really starts turning into a man).
As he talked, he made a lot of sense. A father should set the foundation and raise his son to be a man the entire time. Boy N the Hood was a good example with the exception of the mom dropping Tre’ off after she did a piss poor job in the beginning and got fed up.
I feel that…if/when my son wants to go live with his father…I will not fight it…I will just suck it up and play my part…I think in my case…the co-parent isn’t as active as I would like and may not co-sign on the change in residence…ya dig? the other side of the coin, real talk!
EXCELLENT POINT!!
“I don’t call them Mama’s boys…I call them Mama’s little husbands. And there are plenty.” Preach! Good point, it does seem to be a vicious cycle, doesn’t it? single mom raises incomplete man, incomplete man raises incomplete woman, woman seeks incomplete man to marry. Again, even with the men I think this is where therapy comes in to play. Men who were raised in unhealthy single mother homes need to learn healthier boundaries so that they can have a successful relationship with their gf/wife/lover etc…by ‘cutting the apron strings’ from their momma.
Women need to stop this cycle. It’s not healthy and sets up a vicious cycle that keeps continuing. It must be tough to be a single mother, but you have to put your child’s needs first. It’s unhealthy to expect your son to replace the void in your life.
I actually don’t think daddy issues are worse, per se. I do think that they are more pervasive only because so many households are held hostage to absentee fatherism and unwanted fatherism. However, it’s also more difficult to identify mommy issues b/c they raise us despite shitty circumstances. It’s hard to blame mothers when at least they were there at times.
But once again, its true that they do exist its just harder to blame a person who at least tried their damndest to give you a decent life.
but yes…mothers can suck too.
Both mommy and daddy issues exist, but in different ways. I also think that the fathers who have raised their children should get some recognition too. It seems like we focus so much on the absentee fathers, but forget to credit the fathers that did a great job. I have a few guy friends that were deserted by their moms at a young age and raised by fathers. They’re very strong and responsible men, but the abandonment by their mothers brought upon many issues. They all seem to fear abandonment in their current relationships with their girlfriends/wives, so they try to be the “perfect” man so that their relationships stay in tact….
I’m guessing that these men didn’t have fathers in their lives. I noticed that men who grew up with their fathers don’t have mothers who who treat them like little husbands which goes back to my point of how important having a father around is.
” I noticed that men who grew up with their fathers don’t have mothers who who treat them like little husbands”
the worst “little husband” i ever met had BOTH parents. But as you would probably guess the mother was a “single parent” in action. The daddy was absent figurately..not literally.
I think the idea is that NO one escapes this life without “SOMETHING” to get over, atone for and work on.
Yea I was about to say the same thing. Men of divorced or parents who are together but there’s no love can have mommy issues too. Where the mother focuses the love she wants from a man onto the son and coddles him to her. Then the son has a lack of personal responsibility b.c. he’s treated special and at the same time guilt about ‘leaving’ their mother b.c. kids can see the desperation for love in her and fear of emotional abandonment even though they may not understand it.
I see that in my half-sister and I know it comes from when my dad divorced her mother etc etc. and now I have a grown nephew with mommy issues, looking for a woman to take care of him, lack of responsibility stuff like that. And a mother who is too involved in his life as as grown man. But there’s other stuff there too.
The most important thing for a child is to have have loving relationship as a model. Whether parents are together, mentors, family friends, uncles/aunts or grandparents. To see how men and women are supposed to interact with each other and treat one another. Then you have expectations of how you should be treated and how you should behave.
Your post is on point! I completely agree with “daddy issues” even with people who grow up with a father present. I was very lucky to grow up with both parents present in the home. Both of my parents were very loving and actively involved in my upbringing. Many of my friends either didn’t grow up with a father or had a father that wasn’t a good father (i.e. alcoholic, abusive towards their mother, etc…). This affected them in big ways, even the ones who deny it. I also agree with “mommy issues.” I didn’t even know that this existed until I was with an ex of mine who was a complete momma’s boy. It was ridiculous how much of a momma’s boy he was. He expected me to cook for him too and in a way take on some of his mother’s roles. The relationship ended, but made me think how important the roles of both parents are to children. I’m glad that Barack Obama addressed this on Father’s Day and hopefully the discussion will continue and improve because society is really failing our children…..
IMO….
I believe that the actions or lack there of our parents have great impact on how we deal in our relationships. Our childhood family lives build the foundation for what we look for in a mate and for what we will accept and endure as a mate. If a man grows up in a family where the mother is a ball buster, he will 1) be resentful of women or B) be hen pecked. If a woman is raised having an absent or abusive father she will A) accept and expect the man in her life to abandon the relationship. And many times subconsciously act in a way to invoke such an outcome. Or 2) she will have daddy issues. Seeking out that love from an unsuspecting victim.
Growing up in a healthy household makes for a better chance of being a better mate. Usually men that are taught to care for their mothers in turn will care for their wives, girlfriends and daughters. The same for women that are taught to respect the father/husband as the head of the house.
When raising our kids we are constructing them to be somebody’s prince(ss) or somebody’s problem.
Amen.
When raising our kids we are constructing them to be somebody’s prince(ss) or somebody’s problem.
*Mormon tabernacle*
I don’t know about daddy issues. I was raised in a 2 parent househould until my Mother passed when I was 9. So I know I have a whole nother set of issues regarding that.
I have many friends who have daddy issues. I keep trying to tell my BFF about her not being able to find a stable relationship with men, because she always picks guys who are unavailable. Just like her Dad had been and still is to this day. (Putting my community college psychology degree to work ya’ll.)
I’ve ran into to dudes who have the mother/daddy issues too. That is definitely not a good thing, but you learn to roll with it.
Your childhood does shape you rather you want to admit it or not.
Well I grew up with both parents in the household, and I have hella “mommy issues” and “daddy issues”. My father got away with murder growing up, and my mother pushed through it. I still can’t understand the depth of her love for a man who was just so dismissive and disrespectful at times. I guess this is where my dismissive personality comes from. My mother eventually got fed up and forced him out of her life, BUT after that she was bitter. I had to grow up hearing how men will eventually let you down, and to not put any trust in them…all the while poppa’s stone was still rolling hard.
Mind you my mother has since changed her stance on how she discusses relationship topics with her children, but that only came after a painful discussion with both parents on how their fucked up situation was detrimental to their children’s health and mentality. Oh well, 31 years and 4 adult children later their love is making a comeback. It’s a little weird actually, they never got divorced but haven’t lived together for the last 13 years either…weird indeed…talk about space.
You know they say we spend our entire adult lives trying to overcome our childhood. So far this has proven to be true.
“You know they say we spend our entire adult lives trying to overcome our childhood. So far this has proven to be true.”
Word.Life.
You know I love that saying… Word.Life.
lol…good stuff Panny.
And one mo’ ‘gain Panny rears its head.
But word.life. is a great saying. I try to say it to immigrants at least twice a day.
LOL..oh PannyDrawls Jackson you crack me up.
“But word.life. is a great saying. I try to say it to immigrants at least twice a day.”
Um, P…+5 hell points for that statement
it is written on scrolls:
a family can be just as dysfunctional where the father and mother are present as where one or both are absent.
…and so it is written.
Hell, I totally believe the daddy issues exist. And I will also admit that although I am still in love with my daddy like I am 5 years old and he always spoiled me and told me how amazing and wonderful I am, I have my own Daddy Issue. Because our relationship was so intermitted due of some of his poor life choices I have a fear of abandonment. So for the longest I used to do either one of two things 1-Let me in my life physically but kept them at bay emotionally. I did this so well that when they would eventually tell me they loved me I would have to tell them ‘no you dont’ because I didnt feel I had let them see all of me. 2. Once I let really let them in I would unconciously try to do everything by the book. Trying my hand at perfection so I wouldnt give them a reason to want to leave.
Daddy and mommy issue’s are a part of life. Regardless of gender. I think most people have one or the other (some poor folks have both) but that isnt the real problem the real problem is not knowing you have said issue. Failure to acknowledge the issue is what makes it dangerous and potential detrimental.
oh and on the Mommy issues, the first candid conversation I had with my ex boyfriend’s mother she told me point blank. ‘Any issues you have with my son are likely just unresolved between he and I. And I want to apologize for that now.’ A woman had never been more right in her life. I should have run then.
Yeah my daughter’s father has some serious unresolved issues with his mother…warranted in most cases but definitely unresolved. He has been unable to fully love a women yet…he goes from chic to chic and I fear that this behavior will eventually show my daughter that it’s natural for men to run when the going gets tough.
I have always kept the guys I am dating away from my daughter at all costs, however her dad is not as discrete. I can only hope that the love and consistency he provides as her father will counter what she sees in his dealing with other women.
…here’s to hoping.
I think daddy issues exist. But so do spicey food issues, mommy issues, and other issues. You see daddy issues because 1) the woman didn’t have a daddy or 2) the one she had was piss poor. Make no mistake about it, just because a daddy is there doesn’t mean he’s 100% worthy of being an example.
One of the signs of maturity (or dare I say self-actualization) is seeing your issues, looking for where they stem from, and doing something about them. Because birds of a feather often flock together, people surround themselves with people who share their issues. As a result, the whole crew seriously believes that the way they operate is normal and correct. Ever hear anyone start commentary on the state of Blackness by saying, “The average Black person in America…” They define average by what they look to the right, then to the left, and see.
Having said that, did you ever consider that there’s something about YOU (and possibly your circle) that attracts these women with daddy issues??
Wait, what was the question again…Oh mommy v. daddy. I think they are BOTH extremely important. Father’s have been devalued because 1) they don’t show up 2) mother’s have convinced themselves they aren’t needed since they are not there anyway. As a result, we have a few generations of women who do not value men, don’t trust men, and don’t respect men. But we also have a few generations of men who don’t value women, don’t trust women, and don’t respect women…or themselves.
“Having said that, did you ever consider that there’s something about YOU (and possibly your circle) that attracts these women with daddy issues??”
I got to marinate over this one…TRUTH all up in here. I got to take this to Starbucks over my morning breve steamed 108 degrees no foam.
we are the company we keep, but you just put a WHOLE nother spin on this shyt.
I think we goin to church up in here today.
Another thing I forgot was that you have to be able to take the good things from your parents and leave the bad. Every parent has something good to offer. But they are human so they also have things that we shouldn’t follow.
“Having said that, did you ever consider that there’s something about YOU (and possibly your circle) that attracts these women with daddy issues??”
Not at all…I mean really, how is it possible that it’s ME and not them?!?!?!?
Self-reflection is for ducks.
“Not at all…I mean really, how is it possible that it’s ME and not them?!?!?!?” Panama, it is actually possible for men to develop a pattern of choosing the wrong women…it’s called ‘captain save-a-ho-ism’. Seriously, sometimes guys are attracted to ‘broken’ women, and they think they can love them right back to health. (and women do this too…)
““Not at all…I mean really, how is it possible that it’s ME and not them?!?!?!?” Panama, it is actually possible for men to develop a pattern of choosing the wrong women…it’s called ‘captain save-a-ho-ism’. Seriously, sometimes guys are attracted to ‘broken’ women, and they think they can love them right back to health. (and women do this too…)”
Miss Patterson, I was HOPING he was kidding…but I guess jokes have truth too.
Yeah, I was joking. I’m a total believer in self-reflection. I can that I generally didn’t realize that these chicks had daddy issues b/c I didn’t ask the right questions. It wasn’t until I started really paying attention and connecting dots that I realized it.
I don’t like savings ho’z to tell the truth. It’s just tedious work. Plus, you save one, you kind of have to save them all don’t you?
“I don’t like savings ho’z to tell the truth. It’s just tedious work. Plus, you save one, you kind of have to save them all don’t you?”
I’ll defer that question to Miss P…but I would suppose that there is some type of equal opportunity clause in the “save a ho” referendum. But believe that once you saved one good ho…she would pass her salvation on and live by example.
like each ho teach a ho.
no…actually after all the effort placed into attempting to save one broken person, you are hereby excused from any further acts of salvation. p’s right it’s just tedious man.
“Seriously, sometimes guys are attracted to ‘broken’ women, and they think they can love them right back to health.”
this is true, but the guys who like women like this usually want them to stay broken so they can control em. more “captain keep em broke” than “captain save a ho”
You know whats funny. I swear every man I saw with a woman usually deemed undatable (full time stripper, former ho etc etc) was a good man who had experienced their mother being seriously abused. And they turn around and live their lives as a literal capn’ save a ho. They are also seriously over protective fathers of daughters. But its good to have some men out there who live their lives like superheros.
“But its good to have some men out there who live their lives like superheros”
LOL. Yeah there are guys like that. I’m sure it was painful to watch their mom getting abused and it must have had a big impact on them growing up. In a way, they must feel like they’re saving women like their mothers.
@Miss Patterson. I so agree. My lil cousin grew up with just his mom and brother. He watched her go in and out of bad relationships and I swear he has turned into a serious captain save a ho. He is 20 dating a 24 year old with 3 kids. The girl is mexican and none of the kids are his. He only dates chicks with kids. It’s almost like he trying to help women that resemble his mom. Sad (Smh)
PREACH!
You touched on another point that I clearly missed. I do believe that damaged people attract damage people. I told one of my girlfriends one time that the reason she keeps attracting dogs because her pussy smells like garbage ( not literally but sometimes you gotta be harsh for folks to get the message). She wanted to know the truth and I told her about herself. She knew I was looking out for her best interest and got the help professional help she needed. The same goes for men. If you keep attracking these needy broads/whores/psychopaths then there is a strong possiblity that you have suspect issues going on as well. I can honestly say that although I’ve had my share of break ups, almost all the guys with the exception of one were decent dudes, they just weren’t right for me.
Even still Muse I think that these people are sometimes saught out by design. I mean an oportunistic person may seek someone who isn’t so hard to distract.
I know I had my own “daddy” issues when I was younger. He was around intermittently when I was small…more of a booty call relationship between him and Moms. Once she finally decided enough was enough (after he’d married 3 other women by the time I was five)…that was it. She didn’t bad mouth him, but chose to let me make my own decision regarding the man. I remember not trusting him again after the age of five…he was supposed to come pick me up one day…never showed up, no phone call. Later, I had issues because I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t marry her…but married all the other women he had kids with.
I finally came to the conclusion after I went to college that what happened between him and her were just that…him and her. And anything he did to me…was because he was young and clueless and had no idea on how to connect to a child (his dad was very cold and unemotional…unless he was mad). I knew that for my own sanity, I needed to work past all of it. That first meant figuring out why I was attracting “needy” men or men damaged via their relationship with their parents. I put myself on a “moratorium” from relationships after the last ex (whom I almost married) who had issues with his parents.
Now, one of the first things I ask a man I encounter is “how is your relationship with your mother?” I listen to his words, but watch his body language as well. If he tenses up, he’s not telling the truth, and I run. I’m waiting for a man who acknowledges, “Yeah, I know I didn’t have the best upbringing, but I’m committed to doing things differently for my kids”
“Now, one of the first things I ask a man I encounter is “how is your relationship with your mother?””
this isn’t exactly a soup question.
what about lobster bisque?
LOL…no, not soup…but I don’t wait six months either to ask it…and it’s usually phrased very carefully, like “tell me a little about your family?” I’m too old at this point to beat around the bush…that was fine when I was in my 20s…that’s how I learned my lesson. I’ve dated enough mommy issue having mofos to last me a lifetime…I refuse to spend THIS decade doing the same. It’s so sad how so many men (and women) who are old enough to be grandparents (theoretically) haven’t gotten past their childhoods…
““how is your relationship with your mother?” I listen to his words, but watch his body language as well. If he tenses up, he’s not telling the truth, and I run. I’m waiting for a man who acknowledges, “Yeah, I know I didn’t have the best upbringing, but I’m committed to doing things differently for my kids””
great question. I’m mad that it took me to 32 to ask the RIGHT ones. I’m further mad that it took me almost a year and half IN A RELATIONSHIP to finally start asking BETTER ONES..and when I was getting bad answers… well …then you wanna kick yo own azz.
but you get it when you get it.
Great post.
Mommy and Daddy issues are real and by no means am I making excuses for it, but I think a lot of it has to do with how American slavery destroyed our families. We’ve never recovered from its impact and we probably never will.
I tend to stay away from women with daddy issues also primarily because I don’t have the time nor patience to play “daddy” while I’m just trying to be boyfriend or husband.
Ironically I often see characteristics most associated w/ single mother upbringing in people whose parents have been married for 30+ years.
There’s no such thing as perfect parents. Whether your parents were there or not, together or divorced, they fugged up somewhere – and you will too.
At some point as an adult one becomes self-aware (hopefully) and puts their upbringing in perspective. At some point you KNOW what your issues are and need to choose to move in a different direction.
When I hear someone say “my momma was a crackhead so that’s why I got angry and stabbed Tyrone” or “I grew up watching my dad parade multiple women all up and through so that’s why I’m a male ho” – it tells me that the person CLEARLY sees where their parents went wrong and they KNOW they need act right.
At some point the excuses need to stop and you need to be your own person. And this is coming from someone who just met their dad in Feb.
Been lurking for a while, but have to speak up on this one. Love the blog and this is a great topic.
I think the primary relationship we saw growing up (whether that’s a mother and father, mother and boyfriend(s), father and every woman in the neighborhood) has a larger influence on our future relationships that just our mother or father alone.
People can get things twisted thinking it is always better to be from a home where the father was present, but if the father was present and drunk and beating on the mom, both the daughter and son that grew up in that house will have ‘daddy issues’.
I agree that adulthood is spent getting over your childhood, and I believe it can be done for everyone if they are open to see what they need to get over. Everyone has issues, the depth of them just depends on 1. how (dys)functional your parents/early family life was 2. the POV of your peers. Because as Hostess said, if we pick peers that have the same issues we do, or where craziness is acceptable and accepted, you’ll likely not get over your issues cause you may not realize you have any.
Basically, no one gets over/changes anything until they are unhappy enough to realize that the drama has got to stop and change.
“Been lurking for a while, but have to speak up on this one. Love the blog and this is a great topic.”
welcome and shit.
Thanks
I be readin folks getting welcomed and ish…and (scrolling back to make sure before I start e-tripping) I ain’t get no welcome…I got a permanent spot in the corner and a super express ticket on the HELL YEAH express! (I am just a liitle “J” about this newfouns hospitality) lol…
Hi. I lurk. [usually]
This question intrigues me: “who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?” I believe we identify more with our same-sex parent, so for women Mom has a greater impact. I was raised by both parents, and most of my “issues” stem from mom. I believe we teach others how to treat us, so if I’m watching Mom – who is my prime example of femininity/womanhood/wifedom – treat my dad and herself a certain way, I’ll repeat her actions. Depending on how one processes emotional information, I say Mom impacts girls more.
You know I make a concious effort not to repeat the actions of my mother, aunties and her girlfriends. Dont get me wrong they are some phenomenal women, who I greatly respect. But not a single one of them has had a successful relationship with a a man. And when they get together it is all about the negative in a man. I cant recall one time when I heard one of them simply say ‘He is a good man.’
I respect them but sometimes I feel sorry for them because it seems like they never really lived loved they just endured them. And 25 yrs from now I dont want to be one of them. So my BFF and I (of 20 years) we make an effort to check each other when we are headed toward that kind of nonsense.
Hello…it was ONLY about a year or so ago that my mom (age 51) finally met her “good man”. So ALL of my formative years were spent watching straight BS. How does this manifest now? By making sure that I am VERY careful about who I let into my life. Personally, I’d rather be happy and single than unhappy and partnered up…
“Personally, I’d rather be happy and single than unhappy and partnered up…”
WORD…(muhfuggin) LIFE…
I agree with you. We do identify more with our same sex parent. I definitely identify more with my Mom whose had a greater impact on my life. This does not however negate the impact my father had on my life.
Hmm I have to reflect on this. My gut instinct is to disagree, because I am a daddy’s little girl. And my brothers are kinda mommas boys. Not in a serious way but, the way we lean. And Most of my friends are also daddy’s little girls. But like someone said earlier, you tend to surround yourself with people from like backgrounds. The way I act is hugely impacted by the way my father treated me and what his expectations of me were. Also the way my older brother treated me and expectations he had (he didn’t treat me like being a girl was a handicap which most little boys do, always made me play sports with his friends/proud of me being big etc etc.). I didn’t want to behave like my mother and kind of modeled myself against her behaviors. But that is an impact as well. interesting postulation….
Some people do the exact opposite of the same sexed parent too. They go to the other extreme.
Ex. I’m never gonna let a man treat me like she let him.
At least that’s what I did.
So what about the reverse issue. My daddy issue is that he is great! and he raised me with love and care and discipline. he is interested in my life and wants for me to marry somone who loves me as unconditionally as he does. and i am well aware of this.
so… any man that comes my way has huge shoes to fill because i am not going to fall for his games and his half ass love. which can sometimes backfire because i am creating standards for him that may be unreachable… but then i know what i am deserving of as well.
case of reverse daddy issues
I think that’s ultimately most women’s “issue”…many women who may have had unfortunate father’s and other GREAT frames of reference.
But in my opinion, there’s more. A missing/present daddy is only a COMPONENT. He is the prototype. But I go back to Hostess, sometimes WE (me) are also the problem.
I’m still marinating on that post.
meant
“many women who may have had unfortunate father’s had other GREAT frames of references.” (incl. grandfathers, uncles etc)
You have the Best Case Scenario!
Come on down! (“Price Is Right” music playing)
Seriously, I know some women, actually I know one woman like this. And she seems to be very well balanced and emotionally stable. She smiles a lot.
yeah i smile a lot. in fact the parents are coming this weekend and i have no handsome, balanced, and educated young man for them to meet. this i am not too happy with.
it seems that the men i meet WANT chix with daddy issues. needless to say, when they find out i dont… they dont stay around too long. womp womp
I’ve experienced that before. I had one guy who labeled women without issues as “boring” and constantly went after women who needed to be fixed.
Hmm, a case of reverse daddy issues…sounds like this is a lot easier to fix than actual daddy issues. There is nothing wrong with high standards as long as they are realistic.
Up until recently when I recently realized I have this whole Fear of Abandoment daddy issue, I was always told to stop comparing folks to my daddy cause no man will love me/treat me like him. I would always tell them what he told me at a young age ‘If he cant at least do and be to you what I am, what do you need him for?’
Yeah, I didn’t explicitly mention it, but I think Fear of Abandonment is like Daddy Issue #1.
yeah and that results in one of two things
1. a wall put up so you cant come close
2. being extra clingy and staying in relationships that arent worth it.
ive dont both
Yeah mine comes from the days when he was getting high and would say ‘I’ll be right back’ and I would sit in that living room window for hours watching people and cars go by waiting for him to come back. We have since worked through it. It started when I told him at 11 I didnt want to see him again until he got himself together. He says that was his reality check, felt like he lost his biggest fan.
Kids are a good reality check for parents. Just recently, my goddaughter who’s in 1st grade told her mom (my good friend) that her father is abusive towards her and doesn’t love her anymore. Mind you, me and my girls have been telling her for years that her husband has been treating her badly, but when her daughter said it, it really hit home.
There are all types of daddy issues.
The ones that you/we have cause relationship stress too. We’re just lucky that our issues are not the worst.
P-Jack’s question:
“…who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?
A: Daddy, The Man
The Secret To Understanding Male Female Relationship
the subconscious mind is the seat of emotion and the storehouse of memory. your subconscious mind is also known as the subjective mind because it is in subjection to the conscious mind. the conscious mind is the seat of the will and the faculty of awareness. your subconscious mind submits to the impressions and decisions of your conscious mind without arguing or choosing but with total compliance.
the relationship between the conscious and subconscious mind follows the principle of mental gender. understanding the relationship between the conscious and subconscious mind is the whole secret to understanding the relationship between male and female. the reverse is also true.
the conscious mind is the male, the leader and the subconscious mind is the female, the follower. the subconscious mind is a helper of the conscious mind. the more the workings of the conscious and subconscious minds are integrated, sync and in harmony, the more perfect the entire mind functions as a whole. the more creative and productive it becomes. the less harmony there is between the two, the more destructive it becomes and the more it collapses and cease to function properly.
it is not really your conscious thoughts that create your reality, but it is your subconscious beliefs. it is the subconscious mind, the feminine aspect of mind that is the creative faculty. have you seen a man give birth? No. it’s only the woman that bears children. the conscious mind, the masculine aspect of mind conditions a thought into the subconscious mind in order to create a belief that manifests into reality. like a seed that is impregnated into the womb, it is nurtured within and born as a child.
the conscious mind (the male) is the gatekeeper of the subconscious mind. (the female) the respnsibility of decision making is on the conscious mind. (the male) it has the faculty of discrimination, carrying with it the responsibility of choice. It has the power of reasoning – whether inductive, deductive, analytical or syllogistic – and this power may be developed to a high degree. It is the seat of the will with all the energies that flow therefrom.
not only can it impress other minds, but it can direct the
subconscious mind. in this way the conscious mind becomes the
responsible ruler and guardian of the subconscious mind.
i used to believe it was Eve’s mistake that we were kicked out of paradise but on the contrary it was really Adams’ responsibility to correct, guide and direct her away from the poisonous seed that had been suggested by the serpent.
“your subconscious mind submits to the impressions and decisions of your conscious mind without arguing or choosing but with total compliance.”
DAMN…this wasn’t supposed to be arousing huh? I really need to FOCUS! but deftly expressed points of view make my heart smile…AMEN and AMEN…
now look goody, i have done a deasant job of exercising the philosophical side of khan but if you keep this up you know who’s gonna show up; pimp-a-saurus rex. the last of a dying species.
I didn’t mean sexually…I meant sensually…it stimulated my sense…I enjoy relevent, well written points of view…(shruggin) mind sex!
I like this answer. I think that symbolism is used by the creator often.
genius, genius!!!
My name is Queen and I have Daddy issues (and the people say, welcome Queen.) Although they haven’t taken over my entire life, I have spent the last 10 years of my life dealing with them and trying to move forward. 90% of me wants to get past these issues so my children and husband don’t have to bare the brunt of them. 10% of me wants to ignore them completely. When someone is not present or does a crappy job when they are present, a part of you wants them to give them zero time and thought whatsoever. It’s a constant struggle.
I do think that it takes time to get past certain issues because a lot of times, you don’t even realize you have a new “issue” until it rears its ugly head in a situation. Part of being mature is facing your issues head on and working through them, regardless of how painful they may be.
Everyone has some sort of issues but so many people are in denial…that’s the biggest problem. People are so hell-bent on not changing who they are that sometimes they don’t realize that change can make you better.
(It feels like my comment is not as long if I just write two comments instead. Maybe this is a manifestation of one of my daddy issues)
I’m having my first child in January. This has made me oh so pressed about getting past my DI (daddy issues.) Due to this wonderful blessing inside my tummy, I am forced to look at how my DI impact those around me, A huge part of me wants to make sure my baby has the best chance to be successful, with as few parental-imparted hang-ups as possible.
Moral…Having a child definitely takes away the hesitation on wading through your own ish…everyone go have babies. lol
Sidebar…I have to say that I was assigned to the remedial section of Male Role Models 101 in life. The few good ones I had died before I could reap the benefits. BUT…there is hope for all the women with DI. My BF is one of the best male role models I know. There is something so comforting about knowing that the father of your child is going to be amazing at it. Lucky me, huh?
“(It feels like my comment is not as long if I just write two comments instead. Maybe this is a manifestation of one of my daddy issues)”
who know daddy issues were this ubiquitous? i wonder how else daddy issues affect people? do some women only read the first three pages of the newspaper, because they dont wanna get their hopes up and be disappointed if the rest of the paper isn’t there? do their trust isssues cause them to check the fridge 16 times a night to see if the kool-aid they made is still there?
this is intriguing
“do their trust isssues cause them to check the fridge 16 times a night to see if the kool-aid they made is still there?”
The key is to drink as much of the kool-aid in one sitting. Then if it’s gone when you return, you’ve already had your fill. lol
(disclaimer – Im on the train, typing from my phone so please bare with me)
I havent read the comments…but…Im a Daddys girl now… I wasnt t always that way…but nowadays my dad is my ni99@…
I am what happens when 2 black sheep of the family reproduce… my daddy is/was a buddhist biker and shea (my mom) is a mess all by herself… my parents dynamic was a volatile, verbally abusive cluster f*ck of infidelity, absent communication, manipulation and dishonesty and addiction that was only sustained by the amazing sex they had together…(they were VERY amorous, thats where I got it from) in my teens years I thought thats how it was supposed to be…but the tragic beauty of it was revealed when I realized I didnt have to be them…my syblings haven’t been so “awake”, though…
my personal testimony is this, I was groomed to womanhood by ANTITHESIS…I have living, breathing examples of what NOT to do and at age 20 I embraced the self love/respect/awareness that allowed me to learn from their mistakes (and mine), not repeat them…
“playing the cards I was dealt, Im winning, but the deck is stacked, dont have a King but still a Queen, raised to reign by a pair of Jacks” OMG2008
and now I have a prince…and a co-parent… I cant raise him to MANhood, but I can give him the tools to be a good person…
the reality is, our parents’ BULLSHIT is just fertilizer to grow! at a certain point (regardless of childhood circumstance) we have to assume responsibility for our own lives and what they will be!
word…love…life…
“I am what happens when 2 black sheep of the family reproduce”
another t-shirt. i think we should make whoever’s in the corner wear this shirt
as the charter member of the VeeEssBee Corner Foundation, Inc. I agree…lol
“I embraced the self love/respect/awareness that allowed me to learn from their mistakes (and mine), not repeat them…” – That’s wonderful!
“But I have to wonder, people of VSB.com, how hard do you think it is to overcome your own family while creating a new one? Do you believe in the concept of “daddy issues?” I’ve had women tell me that they don’t exist, while exhibiting every possible issue I’d associate with the term. More importantly…
…who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?”
It is easy to overcome your own family while creating a new one. Just like with anything else in life, one can learn from someone elses’ mistakes or shortcomings.
I do not think “Daddy issues” exist. My parents got a divorce when I was 3 and I saw my father maybe one weekend out of the month and 2 weeks out of the summer and I am fine. Both of my parents still showed me how to love and relate with a mate though their relationship did not work.
Either parent can have a direct impact on realtionships in the future. It solely depends on which parent you think does it (relationships) right or which parent you are the closest to.
But wouldn’t that just mean that your parents made sure to positively impact your life? Like what if your parents, say your father, had allowed his own personal demons to invade your development?
All parents don’t seem to be mature enough…hell or even experienced enough…or maybe haven’t gotten far enough over their own issues to be able to impart the proper wisdom and objectivity into their kids. Some parents probably aren’t able to show their kids how to relate properly b/c they themselves don’t know.
Most people cant get over themselves to parent a child through perfect imperfection. We will never be the best anything to them, but the key is trying, failing and trying again. I think with my son’s father and I that was originally the issue but since both of us have/had our own parenting issues we didnt want to impart that on him. So as we got older (having had him at 21), we learned how to communicate, how not to let what was going on between us affect him. We have an open door policy, there is no evenings or weekends or days when him or I have him. Things have changed alot and I pray to God that they stay that way. Its a free for all. Parenting, life and people are perfectly imperfect, it will never be perfect but you have to keep on trying.
@Panama. I think my parents were just mature and knew how to instill solid relationship values in all of us (3 girls). Maybe it had something to do with my Dad being a Sociology major and my mom being a RN with a speciality in Mental Health. Who knows? I just know my sisters and I are fine.
Yeah, I think if my dad would have just bounced early on it wouldn’t have affectedly us as negatively as it did. It was his lingering and straddling the fence that has made it difficult, albeit not impossible, for ANY of his 4 children to make a concrete decision regarding relationships and stick with it.
My mother on the other hand is/was a very loyal person, so when we finally do make the decision it’s ride or die all the way. Duuuuuuuvaaaaaaaal!!
“It is easy to overcome your own family while creating a new one. Just like with anything else in life, one can learn from someone elses’ mistakes or shortcomings.”
This statement is partially true. I say partially because as you interact with other people their own issues come into play and then you have to figure out if the problem is you or them.
I think the main key to overcoming issues is self reflection PLUS communication with your partner and even friends. You can’t overcome your issues in a vacuum by yourself.
I think that men and women take parts from both the mother and father equally. Their future relationships are not based on one parent or the other but both. You know what….I can’t even commit to talking about serious stuff today. It’s my birthday……love me!
Happy Birthday Buck! Have a shot of Patron, on me…just don’t forget to pay for it.
Happy birthday homie!
(bowing at your feet Coming To America style)
Peace and Strength on this your most sacred, honored and celebrated B-EARTH-DAY, your royal BigBuck-ness!
LOL! Now bark like a dog! Thanks for the love!
Congrats on another year Big Buck!!!
Thanks……wit your sexy self! LOL! I’m still stuck in yesterday!
@Happy B’Day Buckey
Happy Birthday Big Buck…and remember no ‘birthday goggles’!!! lol!
Happy Born Day to you… Call me I’ll sing in your ear.
Oooooh girl you better stop it! What yo numba is? LOL!
Buck baby don’t give a f*&k!
Sounds like a Chuck Brown reference to me. Is that your theme song?
Happy birthday…
It was a little nod to Chuck Brown, even though I am not really a Go-Go person. Thanks!
Happy Holiday Big Buck! a.k.a. Big John Henry.
let’s see, i’m guessing you weighed 8lbs. 9 oz’s when u were born?
Close! 8lbs 11 oz’s, 21 inches long!
I have daddy issues, mommy issues, people issues……
A mess.
And I acknowledge that their issues had nothing to do with ‘me’, but I definitely felt the effects of the demons on their back.
Anyway, people heal in their own time. I acknowledge that I have attachment issues, and try my best not to take it out on other people. Henceforth, I got in the habit on alienating myself. That’s not healthy, either….
(laughing to break the tension)
Main point….when all you’ve known is hurt, it’s hard to move past that, and be ‘happy’ and ‘whole’. It’s a process, and look at it like this…if someone is let’s say, 30, and for more than half their lives (til age 17) they dealt with a fucked up family life….being granted a legal adult is not going to fix it like *snap*. Time does not heal all wounds. You have to be willing to grow. Bottom line, in relationships and dating people, you have to determine what you want to put up with. And I don’t fault anyone for what they choose.
I’m starting to think that every girl has some sort of daddy issue. Even the most put together, independent woman will deep down be wary bc her father was never home and working or cheating on her mother. And you know what, coming to think of it… Ive met — and dated — an assload of men who had huge daddy issues too.
Didnt read all comments so I may be repeating somethings…
Me as a daughter……my parents had a so so marriage, my dad loved alcohol way more than us, but he wasnt abusive to us, just to himself. He was human. But without a shadow of a doubt I knew he loved me and my mom. He died when I was 2 months from graduating high school, and I lost one of my best friends and mentors. He taught me alot about love, men and family. So there are good and bad qualities I look for in a man that I saw in my dad. My mom and dad argued alot and I felt that that meant they loved each other. So in my relationships, if I couldnt get my boyfriend to argue with me, I felt that he didnt love me. I GREW THE FREAK UP and realized that was some crazy shit. Someone in the post said something like you have to grow up and look at yourself and stop blaming your parents for the mistakes you are now making. That is so true. I learned lessons at a young age, that are helping me to be the great women that I am today.
Everyone regardless of how great you life was growing up should see a therapist. Many of us are in high stress jobs and sometimes issues don’t come to light until it is too late. It’s good to talk to neutral person about life and discuss any issues you might have.
I hate that I show up late everyday. Everything that I would have wanted to say has already been said. Only with more superior writing skills.
don’t talk yourself out of writing even at the expense of being redundant. it will get your mind cranking and you will begin to think of and offer the subtle differences and experiences that only you posess.
Intelligence is the ability to make finer distinctions, to know the subtle differences between things.
from a writing standpoint:
how can you know what you think, if you don’t read what you write.
Thanks Kahn.
I definitely believe that “daddy issues” exist. I believe that the relationships one has with their parents (or the lack thereof) has a lifelong effect on the person that one becomes, or is.
I knew that I was pretty before some mannish little boy told me I was, because I grew up hearing my dad tell me that. I know that I’m pushing buttons and crossing lines when I see a that muscle in a man’s jawbone start flexing, because I’d made my dad angry before. I expect to have doors opened for me and bags carried for me, because that’s what my dad did/does. I appreciate the fact that my dad was there to teach me most of the things I need to know about men, because he loves me. I can’t say the same about the rest of the guys that have come in and out of my life. My dad has always had my best interest at heart.
I’ve never heard a woman that grew up with her dad around say “I don’t need a man.” Not that women that grew up with fathers are needy, or seeking something, but I feel that women that grew up with their dads can understand the balance that a man can bring to a woman’s life. I know a lot of women love to have the “independant woman” mentality and love basking in the knowledge that they can do everything all by themselves, but the truth is that they don’t have to. True, they may have grown up seeing their mom do it all, cook, clean, cut the grass, discipline the children, work, be the mommy and the daddy, and they appreciate their mom as a strong woman, but the truth of the matter is that that’s the hard way of doing things. In my opinion, codependence trumps independence any day because someone is there to share the work load, share the joys, share period.
In my personal experience, as far as dating goes, usually when the dude’s father chose not to be apart of his life, he chose not to be a permanent part of mine. Meaning he came and went whenever he wanted to, never committing to me no matter what. Guys who grew up with their dad married to their mom weren’t afraid of commitment. They actively sought it out. I dated 2 guys whose fathers died when they were young. They also weren’t afraid of commitment. They were kind of clingy.
@Fly. I am glad you decided to comment. That was so very true. I love the fact that I know how to share and I still don’t understand why people think being independent should be the only way.
Elenda, thanks. And I agree with you about some people acting like independent being the only way. I feel like it only exists as a coping mechanism. Not out a real desire to be that way.
@Fly. You should do like I do. Read the blog and comment THEN read everybody elses’ comments and if more comments are needed piggy back
i didnt read all the comments but i just wanted to chime in: i grew up without my dad or any kind of father figure around and i struggled with self esteem for a long time. i got validation from friends and at thsi point in my life i have finally reached teh point where i just dotn deal with certain things i used to put up with in the past (and im only 23). unfortunately, some women never learn and end up having daughters and raising them with that same mentality and so even if we do get there to be fathers showing up more and whatever it isnt going to change much when ther will always be fatherless daughters who do nothing but perpetrate the neediness and selfdestructiveness that comes with low self esteem.
at the same token i know women who grew up with dads (that were very loving and not at all abusive) and still have issues becuase they are just crazy.
“i grew up without my dad or any kind of father figure around and i struggled with self esteem for a long time. i got validation from friends..”
I grew up under similar circumstances as you except that I have an older brother who is awesome and tried many times to fill the father void. I was just talking with a friend about the topic of validation and we agreed that ultimately it needs to come from ‘you’. My friends can provide only such much emotional validation, but in the end it’s me that provides (self) love, worth, and esteem. In any event, I applaud you for working on your issues at 23, this is such an invaluable journey!
I’m so late…lol, but here’s a topic I have experience on. Daddy issues are very real. This coming from a person who completely rejects placing blame for my actions on others. For years, actually up until I was about 23, I refused to believe that my father had anything to do with the way I behaved with men. But having a good understanding of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and what happens to people when those needs aren’t met, I have to concede that perhaps daddy did have something to do with it.
I do, however, believe that once you’ve recognized the source of your issues, it’s time to focus on the solution. I think Elenda mentioned earlier get therapy or whatever. I was fortunate enough to find solace in solitude…I learned to love myself despite my father’s seeming lack of love for me…and that’s key- self-love.
Your parents definitely have a lot of influence on your self-esteem and ultimately how you interact with others in this world, mothers AND fathers (hence why it takes two parents to make a child).
For the men on here, if you are now fathers or will one day be fathers of little girls, my advice to you is to be the type of man you would give your daughter’s hand to in marriage. By that I don’t mean anything vulgar…I mean, think about the type of man that’s good enough for your little girl and be like him…it will help a great deal…I promise.
“I was fortunate enough to find solace in solitude…I learned to love myself despite my father’s seeming lack of love for me…and that’s key- self-love.”
This is so true. While everyone else was being “free” in undergrad, I was busy dealing with my issues of betrayal and misunderstanding of my parents. Through prayer, meditation, and self reflection, I found that most of my problems stemmed from parent and self-esteem problems.
It took some time but eventually I learned to love and appreciate myself. I also had to realize that my parents were human because as their children, tend to think that they are infallible. They had/have problems just like I did only they did not work them out in time so it wouldn’t affect their children.
Once you learn to forgive your parents, the other steps will be easy .
@Breeliscious. Awesome advice. If men would act like the men they want their daughters to date, this world would be a much better place.
Avoiding women with “daddy issues” first off seems very judgmental and condescending. EVERYONE has issues.
Perhaps you can be the “good man” you’re trying to be, to the woman that has never been shown a good example of a man. Make her a believer
@Jewels. I think when selecting a mate, you shouldn’t be judgemental, but it is natural. You never know how much you can change ones life until you try. Most people shy away from challenges but if you step up to the challenge you will learn it doesn’t matter if a man loves his mom or a girl who grew up in a dual family home as long as the person can satisfy you, you’re good. People with issues need love too
I have to agree that the relationships that we have today are very much influenced by the relationships that we have seen in our formidable years, whether they were between our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, etc. We then shape, through these second hand experiences, what we want in our potential mates. I never thought that my father, who wasn’t in the household with me throughout my childhood, would have such an influence on my actions as an adult male trying to establish relationships with others, but he does!! I have avoided having monogamous, exclusive, serious adult relationships with women because I never wanted to be the one who steps out on the relationship seeking outside pleasures and hurt the woman I am with in the way that my father did my mother. But he isn’t the only influence because my mother has her ways as well and when I see those ways in the women I meet, I tend to turn away! But our relationships have so many outside influences, from our parents, our friends, the media, our society, that its hard to really establish the so-called “mamma’s boys/daddy’s girls” from those who just have serious issues such as abandonment fears, commitment phobias, trust issues, and all the other things that come up!! Does this excuse us from our actions?? I don’t think so!! We know the difference between right and wrong, we know we have the ability to rise above moral turpitude, we can do and act better, yet we choose not to!! Why is that?? Is it because we allow people to walk all over us, or are allowed to walk over others, just for the sake of having someone to call our boyfriend/girlfriend,husband/wife??
@ Monnie “I also had to realize that my parents were human because as their children, tend to think that they are infallible. They had/have problems just like I did only they did not work them out in time so it wouldn’t affect their children.”
I’m so glad you pointed that out. I had this same discussion with my mom a few years ago. For my father’s part, I’m sure if he could do it again, he would’ve been there to watch me grow up and make sure I knew he loved me, but unfortunately he allowed drug abuse to run his life. Additionally, I’m willing to bet the longer he was absent the harder it was for him to show up…I’m pretty sure at some point he was afraid I’d reject him…who knows? Either way, one can’t spend the remainder of their lives allowing another’s mistakes to govern their actions. And you are absolutely right, when you grow up, you have to realize your parents are real people who don’t always know what’s right and who don’t always do the right thing.
I think I have ME issues…we all do- yes- granted we have some residue from our parents…but we are a combination of our own life choices and exp… you grown as you are watered…
As an adult…we have to be responsilbe for OUR choices– as easy as it is to say..shes like that bc her daddy wasnt there- or hes like that bc his mom was there to much….To me — its an easy out…evaluate what you need to start…stop…and continue doing in your life to make it better..I thank God my folks stayed together…from that I learned that no one is perefect…and in that…you can still stay together…I guess that’s just how we do in the souf…. In the end..loving/liking someone past their issues is what I got from my parents…which I think is a good thing…
i’ve been a frequent visitor of this here site, but never contributed, but this post hit home. i do believe that there is such a thing as having the so called “daddy issues.” For some it may be from abuse(physical or emotional), not having a father around, or in my case, having one that simply didn’t know what he was ‘posed to do. I choose not to use this as a crutch in life or r-ships and I think many women can work on doing this.
BTW….i love this site….keep it coming smart brothas!
Wow so many comments I guess everyone is relating to this one! I know for a fact that daddies are very important in a family structure being that I have all sisters with both parents in the home growing up and my father seem to grow more and more distant with each child coming of age. I was the first he was in the service and was away a lot but we did spent time together and I got my ass whooped when I deserved it my father was there but of course my mother did most of the nurturing and child rearing my middle sister got less and my baby sister well, he hardly even noticed her (she was suppose to be a boy by the way). She never got spankings from him he never raised his voice at her. He basically let my mom raise her and her being my mom’s last child didn’t let the other sisters discipline her either (we’re all 8 years apart) I was away in college with the baby sister was growing up and came home to a spoiled little girl who grew up in the suburbs (I was raised when they were young and poor in the hood) who so desperately wanted to be “sooo hood” well she has succeeded, only dating thugs (that like to give her spankings) only speaking with a ghetto accent (you know what I mean) 3 kids at 21 and my mom blames my dad for everything. I don’t know what my daddy issues are, he was in the home he came to a few recitals, he sometimes commented on my grades, he was at the bus station to see me off to school. What effected me most was not my relationship with my father but his relationship with my mother.
I am trying to figure out if it is a DAddy issue or a Mommy issue.
Well my father wasnt there but I wouldnt say I blame some on my insecurities on my father. We are responsible for the things that happen in our lives. I Was raised in the church and there were men before me that took care of their families and did X Y and Z.
Then the flip side is if my dad had stayed in my home and unhappy or whatever have u would I still have these insecurities, would it be better, or would it be worse.
I think my insecurities are my problem. and these are things that I should work on. TRUST and COMMUNICATION.
Well, I know that I am quite late on this post…but I personally felt conflicted when comparing some of the situations to that of my own experience. I grew up with both mother and father married in the home, but I will say that once I was no longer in that cute cudly baby form, my father was not all that great. This is where I presently am with the situation; after hearing praises of my father from other people since his death in a car accident 7 years ago, just felt like all these people speak of him like he’s a saint. I know he is my father, but God knows within our home, he was distant, and in my opinon treated those strangers better than he treated us (mom sisters and myself). I think it affects you when you are able to see your father laughing and joking with other people, yet as soon as they come home, he is watching the news, and barely even says a word. I don’t have a lot of experience in real relationships because I have never been in one, and I am still trying to find my way with what seems like analyzing my mistakes and really not trying to make them again. But with a dad in the home that rarely communicated with you about anything at all (boys, self-esteem, hopes, dreams, compliments, encouragement) I guess I felt like I was lacking…Don’t know if I should go to therapy for this, but I was suprised as ever when both exes turned out to be so much alike in the end…had me thinking there is something that I am giving off that is not attracting what I want. Too damn long, I know, but families are very complicated. With a father that passed away, I guess you really are more vulnerable to things like bad relationships, and masked disrespectful boys who seem like the perfect bf in the beginning. Mom is and was always there, but her control issues, and lack of being completely open to topics that I raised on here, take their toll as well.