Mommas and The Poppas

Posted on 18 June, 2008 by Panama Jackson

You know, I used to say that I refused to date a(nother) woman with “daddy issues.” Though difficult to define, “daddy issues” are as easy to spot as Shaquille O’Neal in a swarm of midget Spanish ninjas. Or porn. With absentee fatherism and all around Blackness at an all time high, the complaints of neglect or the constant testing to prove one’s love linger as remnants of a past failed parental relationship surface.

Something I’ve learned, however, is that even women with fathers who are present and accounted for in their lives still manage to have these “daddy issues”. This has always confused me as I’d assumed that women with present fathers just had to be more balanced and more emotionally stable than those without. Right? Right?

Wrong. Who knew? And here I thought relationships in the Black community were going the way of the condor because of rap music. Who knew that parenting had as much to do with one’s development as hip-hop. Damn you LL.

But I digress.

Apparently fathers have been wreaking havoc on relationships for eons. And unless Obama wins the Presidency, will probably continue to do so.

And let’s be clear here, I’m well aware that many men out there are screwed up when it comes to relationships. And a large part of it is the lack of a positive male-female example. Many men don’t know how to treat women and its because there was nobody to actually show them (us) what to do. Men have both mommy and daddy issues. Hell, the whole concept of being a mama’s boy is a “mommy issue”. If your mother becomes your wife, and you’re not in West Virginia or Montana, you likely have a problem.

Or our lack of emotional communication. I don’t ever actually remember my mother ever telling me to be more open and communicative. Then again, my dad isn’t exactly a big talker. No wonder I can clam up when it comes to having to express emotions and feelings. Sorry baby.

Obviously, children’s faults in life are largely the sum total of all of our parents mistakes. There’s no way in hell that our future relationships don’t suffer when all we have to witness of relationships are the failings of some of our parents. Most of us meander through life trying to figure out why we think the way we do or why all of our relationships have the same issues. We usually are able to figure out at some point that the very problems we bring to our relationships are the same things we witness our parents going through.

It sure as hell is hard to figure out how to go right when all you’ve seen in life is wrong. Now I know that it’s wholly possible to enter into and maintain a substantial and positive relationship even if you’re the product of a home that’s more broken than the prosecution in the R. Kelly trial.

But I have to wonder, people of VSB.com, how hard do you think it is to overcome your own family while creating a new one? Do you believe in the concept of “daddy issues?” I’ve had women tell me that they don’t exist, while exhibiting every possible issue I’d associate with the term. More importantly…

…who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?

-VSB P

P.S. Every now and then we do get serious around here at VSB.com

P.P.S. Also, I’m in cahoots with a clique of people reppin’ that Exchange Blocc of the Muxtape Set Gang. Check out our muxtape online at http://exchange.muxtape.com. This week’s topic was Teenage Love Affair so all the songs reflect all the participants favorite songs from our lovestruck teens years…ya know, before cynicism set in. Check it out…

http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

I personally agree with avoiding women with daddy issues. One girl I dated comes to mind quickly, and the had the worst issues when it came to trusting men. Literally I would say X, and I would instantly be covering up for something else of somehow I was just full of sh*t (and I actually wasn’t lying either … go figure).

Her’s were bad, but its just a recurring theme. I don’t want to fault them for something that isn’t their fault, but almost feel like I have to.
- http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse
  
  Many women with daddy issues have been hurt and/or neglected by the 1st man who is supposed to show them love and respect. As I stated before, fathers play a crucial role in the lives of their daughters and will determine how that female will conduct herself in adulthood. If a woman didn’t get the love she needed from her father, then she will seek out other men to fill that void. Unsuspecting boyfriends my unknowingly end up playing the missing daddy which is not healthy or the way to have a long lasting relationship.
  - aja
    
    “Many women with daddy issues have been hurt and/or neglected by the 1st man who is supposed to show them love and respect”
    
    *dapz muse*
    
    That is the main culprit of the rise of teenage pregnancies and teenage STD’s. We must teach these girls to love and respect yourself first.
    
    *i know that’s my recurring theme..but i tell you it works!! *
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “I don’t want to fault them for something that isn’t their fault, but almost feel like I have to.”
  
  *bible study*
http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse

Great post! I have to say from my observation, women who had a positive male role modeling growing up whether it was daddy, uncle, brother, God father etc., tend to make better choices when it comes to mates and have higher self esteem. There is something about having a good man around growing up that makes the woman stronger and okay with kicking men who can’t meet their standards to the curve. I notice this with my girlfriends. Those of us who were raised with our fathers tend to have a low tolerance for bullshit; those who didn’t tend to be more clingy when it comes to relationship. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but general fathers really do have a powerful impact on the lives of their daughters. I also believe that men treat you differently when they know you have a father who is active in your life. I’m not sure what it is but when a guy meets my parents, especially my father, they don’t screw with me as much as they would if I was all alone in this world.
- Leila
  
  A male role model is very important and doesn’t necessarily have to be a father. Uncles and grandfathers play very important roles too. A mentor can be really important too. As long as there is a male role model present, it makes a big impact on children. A mother is a great role model too, but she can’t replace the role of a father. There are certain characteristics that a father has that a mother doesn’t (and vice-versa).
  
  I agree with the respect part too. When I introduce guys to my father, they show a lot more respect towards me. They get intimidated by my father because he’s very tough at first.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “I also believe that men treat you differently when they know you have a father who is active in your life. I’m not sure what it is but when a guy meets my parents, especially my father, they don’t screw with me as much as they would if I was all alone in this world.”
  
  this is a good point. i never really considered this before, but it’s definitely true
  - http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse
    
    It’s true though. Think about it champ would you be more careful with a chick you were dating if you knew her pops was there to break your neck if you did her wrong or was disrespectful? I think not.
- http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda
  
  @Muse. Role models are over rated. Parents instilling good values, practices, and beliefs in their children trump role models all day long.
http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

Apparently fathers have been wreaking havoc on relationships for eons. And unless Obama wins the Presidency, will probably continue to do so.

Do you you really think that when Obama becomes President all of our problems will be magically fixed?? When reading the above quote it sort of seems that way, no beef.

I believe that the sex of a person weighs heavily on the relationships between parents. Just like men avoid women with ‘daddy issues’, I personally avoid guys with an Oedipus complex.

In new relationships, I try so very hard to not to be like my parents that I find myself saying this like, ‘I am truly my mother’s child.’ after a nasty argument with someone…lol. I had my Dad around, we really close before he passed away. So maybe i’m lost, but what exactly are signs of daddy issues?
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “Do you you really think that when Obama becomes President all of our problems will be magically fixed??”
  
  i think p was being a bit facetious, but at the same time, i dont think you can underestimate the effect of having a complete black family in the white house can have on our community, subconsciously at least.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
  
  Yeah, I’m gonna go with facetious for $1,000 please Alex.
  
  It was partially a nod to Obama’s fathers day speech to Black men.
  
  But signs of daddy issues…good question. I’ll give some examples from women I’ve dated. Mind you, at the time, I didn’t realize it. It took some thought:
  
  1) one ex couldn’t trust me for shit. come to find out her father was constantly flaking on her for her entire life. not being where he said he’d be or doing what he said he’d do. man did that one manifest itself.
  
  2) making me constantly prove my love and/or constantly looking for validation. i think this is a big one. i think fathers and parents in general are our first source of real validation of our opinions and esteem. when you’re lacking there you tend to go through life searching for validation from other people, specifically the people you date. as opposed to feeling comfortable and knowing that what you bring to the table is substantial, there is a constant need for reassurance that what you bring to the table is substantial. or even in conversation, a constant longing for an opinion to be acknowledged as a good one, etc.
  
  3) neglect issues that turn into control issues. i think chicks with daddy issues have more control issues than chicks without them. understandably so. if you’re without a central father figure who is dependable and emotionally reliable, you may go out of your way to make sure that you’re in control of every situation so that you can control your emotions at all times. its a defense mechanism.
  
  that’s just a few…i’m sure others can chirp in.
  - http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson
    
    P, i’m giving you the slow clap on that one buddy. #1-3 were definitely on point.
    - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
      
      Thanks Miss P…that makes my heart warm. Ain’t nothing like the slow clap…
      
      “Slow Clap”
      
      Hmm, that’s either a terrible STD or a great name for a misogynistic reggae song.
      - genius khan
        
        you made it a hot disease, ima make it a hot song. LOL!
      - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
        
        ““Slow Clap”
        
        Hmm, that’s either a terrible STD or a great name for a misogynistic reggae song.”
        
        this made me choke on my sausage links and tea
  - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
    
    for real, for real…#1 – 3…exist indpendently of the lack/existence of a Father figure…although it’s prevelant…basically, if you aren’t reinforced to have self esteem/respect/love/awareness…there are holes left in your being…then we (speakin in general) look OUTSIDE for those holes to be filled, instead of INSIDE…and fail er’time!
    
    you try to put band-aids on bullet wounds and end up bleeding to death…
  - http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda
    
    @Panama Jackson. I don’t think any of your examples are ONLY for “daddy issue” people. You can use those same examples on just about ANY victim. This subject is fictitious in my eyes.
  - em.
    
    I was raised by a bunch of women (mom, grandmas, greatgrannies, aunts etc…errbody) and my father was not at all a part of my life. In fact, I met him until 4 years ago (I’m 32 now) but I’ve found that I have a great deal of intolerance when it comes to dealing with men. I am not distrustful nor am I clingy. Aloof and indifferent have been used to describe me. What happens in my relationships that seem to be working out? I end them. Upon reflection, I think the core is that I would rather not be abandoned, so I control the outcome of the relationship. So, I would agree with the “controlling” assessment but perhaps you meant it differently.
http://www.myspace.com/miss_kade Misskbs

I believe both parents have a GREAT impact on future relationships, whether or not they are both present. Sometimes your parents presence can be damaging.

My parents are married, and I suppose they love each other but their relationship is strange…I feel like its missing warmth and communication. From my perspective, they don’t communicate well…yes they talk, and have intelligent conversations from time to time, but I feel like the only time they are really open with each other about how something makes them feel is when they are angry, which usually means my mom is yelling and my is dad grunting angrily but not saying much…this usually continues until he can no longer take it and he shouts shut up!

Lol…that’s how their relationship is…and while my sisters and I find it somewhat comical, we all agree that the relationship they have with each other and the way they communicate with us has had a negative affect on the way we function in relationships whether social or intimate. When it comes to me and my sisters my father doesn’t really communicate much, and he’s not affectionate except for the occasional hug. My mother on the other hand is somewhat manipulative, overbearing and oppressive…never have I had a real conversation with her about how something made me feel. Don’t get me wrong my parents were good parents overall, they love me and I had everything I needed…but I inherited issues!

I have issues with getting too close to people, and I find it hard to speak up for myself and communicate my feelings when it really matters. When I am in a relationship, I usually have a very hard time communicating my feelings or needs until there is a problem or until a small problem gets worse. I guess you can say I have daddy AND mommy issues…but I’m working on it!
**dang this is long!
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “dang this is long!”
  
  vsb.com: where longwindedness happens
  
  i get what you’re saying though. its amazing how many traits we pick up from what occured in our homes growing up.
  
  you know, actually, to be honest, its not amazing. it makes perfect sense
- genius khan
  
  it is written in jade:
  
  a family can be just as dysfunctional where the father and mother are present as where one or both are absent.
  - http://Blog-AroundHarlem.com AroundHarlem.com
    
    “a family can be just as dysfunctional where the father and mother are present as where one or both are absent.”
    
    Truth.
    
    The interesting thing about issues (mommy, daddy, no mommy, no daddy, all of the above, none of the above) is that everyone has them.
    
    Some are different from others. Some are dare I say worse than others, but everyone has issues and most of the stem from childhood.
    
    That’s why I’m a firm believer in dating a wide variety of people with different backgrounds. It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself from others.
- http://afrodemia.blogspot.com willnotbetelevised
  
  girl i so feel you. My parents are married and together and they really shouldn’t be. I knew this when i was 8 and wished they’d get a divorce (not to mention my mother told me she wanted to divorce my father but wouldn’t because of us kids). My mom is like yours too and its not that i couldn’t have a conversation with her but if i said anything about my real emotions it would come back to bite me. In fact a lot of things came back to bite me so i stopped telling her anything important to me. And I couldn’t tell my brothers or my father b.c. she would eventually get it out of them. So I have trust issues a little bit but my daddy loves me and made sure I knew this. So I don’t have daddy issues but i kinda have a problem communicating my feelings. And Cuz I’m scared its going to come back on me in an argument. And I’m scared I’ll get into a relationship with a weak man and turn into a superb*tch accidentally. So I used to only date guys who had a known expiration date (i.e. only around for the summer, lived out of state/across town) so i could toss them if shit got ugly, and never had to see them again. So yea, cosign on how both parents around can fuck you up too.
- http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
  
  “I believe both parents have a GREAT impact on future relationships, whether or not they are both present. Sometimes your parents presence can be damaging. ”
  
  how about my folks…got married before I was born…divorced each other when I was in college…married each other again before I finished school…and are now working on divorce number 2, from each other! This tupe of ish..could really ruin a woman made of less dense material…I mean damn! dysfunction much!
- http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda
  
  @Miss KBS. I think this is common male/female behavior in most households. I just think men don’t know how to communicate… period.
Miss Patterson

i told myself i wasn’t going to comment for awhile, but this is an important topic, so here goes: i believe that daddy issues DO exist & that it is most certainly not a bunch of psycho babble as some folks out there would have you believe. there are no consistent signs of daddy issues but some include: choosing emotionally unavailable men, accepting abuse (in all forms) and seeking men for the sake of having A Man in your life. Bottom line, when you’re young it’s easy to fall into these behaviors and become a product of the daddy neglect…but ultimately i think it is your responsibility as an adult to seek out therapy when you see the pathology in your own behavior. Therapy helps to illustrate how you can set new criteria for more positive, reciprocal love in your relationships with men. Therapy is the only way to break the cycle of abuse.
- http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl
  
  “but ultimately i think it is your responsibility as an adult to seek out therapy when you see the pathology in your own behavior. ”
  
  Sunday Bible School!!! (to quote and cite Champ)
  
  I’d only add that you don’t always need traditional therapy unless the issues and the fallout are severe and mental and physical abuse are in the folds. I think just being aware that no one escapes life without learning lessons I think is a start. And to me the lessons you were sent to learn have a greater value and reward at the end. Finding people who model great or better relationship behavior to is also helpful…like neighbors, grandparents, aunts and uncles…
  
  I’m all about the personal resp after about 17 you can’t really continue blaming people and a parent for what they did to you.
  - JBoogie
    
    “I’m all about the personal resp after about 17 you can’t really continue blaming people and a parent for what they did to you.”
    
    Thank you…that’s what’s up. For years, I had MAJOR issues surrounding the whole thing with my donor…got Moms preggers, ran off to the Army, married another woman, etc. and so on. One day (probably right around the time I went to college), I realized that what happened between them was just that…between them. She made a bad choice…but since I was the result, was it all really that bad?
    - http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl
      
      I agree or should I say “Mormon Tabernacle”!!!!
      
      Our parents have flaws. They make and made mistakes and I’m sure some of our future and present crumb crushers will be talkin bad about us on their watches (with blogs).
      
      I don’t believe in mistakes its all divine. It all has meaning and purpose in it.
    - Miss Patterson
      
      “but since I was the result, was it all really that bad?” This is an excellent point CBG and one that I too remind myself of frequently. It’s easy to overlook the fact that you/we were the obvious blessing that came out of an unfortunate love affair.
    - genius khan
      
      way to take some responsibility in righting and helping yourself.
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
    
    “but ultimately i think it is your responsibility as an adult to seek out therapy when you see the pathology in your own behavior. ”
    
    Sunday Bible School!!! (to quote and cite Champ)”
    
    ** mt. zion christian academy**
  - http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda
    
    @Comback girl. I totally agree. At some point, one has to take actions for their own development. If you realize that you didn’t learn how to act in a health relationship, seek thearpy or read a book. Get yourself right and stop blaming others like you daddy, mama, sister, bro, etc.
http://www.teejsays.blogspot.com Teej

Oh yeah…daddy issues are very real. Its like white people not acknowledging racism still being alive.

As for overcoming your own family while beginning your new one? It seems to me that first you need to identify the problem/issue(s), accept them for what they are, and then work your way thru them.

I guess it sound easier said than done, but it’s possible.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
  
  It’s definitely easier said than done. Ya know, sometimes I think my dealing with my own familial issues is because I’m so easily able to give up control of situations that I can’t do anything about.
  
  For instance, I feel absolutely at ease and safe in airplanes. You know why? Cuz if its going down…it’s going down and there ain’t shit I can do about it, so I’m at total peace.
  
  My sister on the other hand who grew up with me has some serious issues (acknowledged) with stuff like that. She’s of the “don’t put yourself in a situation to fuck yourself” school of thought. Same household, different experience.
  
  Both of us were shaped and molded by our parents broken marriage and subsequent remarriages (not to mention the mixed race thing…oy vey) but I can see where my parents made mistakes and didn’t allow my sister to achieve the esteem she needed that she’s only now coming into. Which is tragic…sometimes I imagine what she could have done had she just been more believing of herself, but my father was hands off with all of my sisters and felt my mother should handle that.
  
  Me? I’m raising a queen jack! Lesson learned.
  - genius khan
    
    the man has the most responsibility in guiding the entire family. …wife, how the kids are raised (male or female) etc.
    
    just one black man’s opinion.
    - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
      
      “the man has the most responsibility in guiding the entire family. …wife, how the kids are raised (male or female) etc.
      
      just one black man’s opinion.”
      
      **saturday night service**
    - http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda
      
      @GK. I agree hands down. Since ya’ll stay in Sunday School let me quote a preacher. “The father is supposed to be the one to lead the family in EVERYTHING. Rather it is getting the family up and going to church or deciding where the family vacation should be. If the man is not leading.. where does that leave his family?”
      
      This is tooooooooooo true. A man can’t take a handsoff approach with the daughters of the household. A father needs to be a man/leader at all times.
  - http://Blog-AroundHarlem.com AroundHarlem.com
    
    You make a valid point about parents treating their sons and daughters differently.
    
    I used to argue with my parents about this all the time.
    
    I was a jr. feminist talking about this is the 1980′s not the 1950′s………LOL.
http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl

I believe as you rightfully pointed out. EVERYBODY HAS/HAD flawed Parents. thats even when the parents are together, seperated, divorced. etc.

Some of the MOST flawed MEN I’ve seen are products of parents who “tried to make it work”…to the point that the mother is silenced and the father get’s a carte blanche “asshole” card…UNCHECKED.

No one escapes this life without lessons to learn and how to deal be it in a romantic or platonic relationship.

And yes, my father leaves alot to be desired. But you reap what you sew. And he is “enjoying” his harvest as I type this. And I’m not saying that in a “ha, negro that’s what you get”. Because for a long time, I don’t think he ever thought about being a father. Its only now, where it appears just from what I heard that he has tons of regrets. And I never thought I’d see the day that he would need my help.

To me there is a spiritual lesson too (there ALWAYS are). I think your parents are indicators of everything you must learn and vice versa. The present and the absent one.

Last time I checked no one leaves this life without doing the spiritual work willingly or otherwise. And if a man has perfect parents (people who never inspired him to grow even in their human flaws) …I’d run the other way.

At this point those are the men whom I deeply attracted …men who are reflective and can see on the other side.
- http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse
  
  Parents teach children what they want and don’t want to be. My father is a great man but as I get older I realize that he is flawed. HOWEVER did his job as a father and was there emotionally as well as financially. BTW my parents are divorced but my father was the primary parent. I believe that has had a major impact on my decisions as an adult. BTW I’m pretty much a square who hasn’t gotten into any trouble with the law, did well in school, went to a top college, has a great career, no abortions, baby daddies, or any serious dramatic experiences that would caused me to be spiritually damaged. I give credit to my dad for making sure I was equipped to make good life decisions. My mom also gets credit but there is something about seeing my dad disappointed that stopped me from making bad decisions or getting involved with suspect people.
  - http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda
    
    @Muse. Hats off to your dad for doing his thing. My mom did the same for me but I did have one run in what the law but seriously that wasn’t my fault
http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl

And why is Daddy issues more prevasive and detrimental to a relationship than Mommy issues (to the black man)…

I think they are equally bad. Let us not forget the Black women (mothers) in the Black man’s life, who wants/ed to coddle her son so much, that he’s no good to ANY woman much less in a committed relationship or marriage.

I don’t call them Mama’s boys…I call them Mama’s little husbands. And there are plenty. There are women today who are raising black men ALONE and she’s not teaching him the importance of being responsible, working…or being a good man to another woman. and how could we really fault her in the end particularly because her frame’s of reference leave a lot to be desired.
- Leila
  
  Exactly! I had an ex of mine who’s mom was so destructive to our relationship. My ex’s sister said that the mom was jealous of our relationship. I didn’t get it! If her son was at my home, she would constantly call and always interfere. Her son was in his 20s but she couldn’t accept that he was a grown man. Mothers need to raise their boys to be men.
  - http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl
    
    “Mothers need to raise their boys to be men.”
    
    I agree but this is difficult when the cycle perpetuates and all she wanted was a man to love and commit to her…and in a weird way some women find that in their sons. Its sad. But to me there’s not much you can do with these type of men…but send them on home to mama.
    - Monnie
      
      “all she wanted was a man to love and commit to her”
      
      So true and yet so sad… but is the reason why she can’t let go. She finally has a man that loves her and now he is pulling away after everything she’s done for him.
      
      I have heard women say the last part before (he gonna leave and treat his mama that way after everything I done did for him?)
      
      Mama needs to go to counseling and get her a man…
      - Monnie
        
        I’m not saying that a mother shouldn’t want her children to love them, but that she should raise them to be good, productive people with morals and values instead of making them dependent on her.
        
        If her mind set was right, she could see that her family has the potential to grow and have even more people love on her.
        
        Honestly, who doesn’t love grandma?
  - genius khan
    
    mothers lack the full capability to raise a boy to be a man. i’m not saying a single mother can’t raise a boy that eventually becomes a good man but it’s the male examples around him (male friends, grandfathers, uncles, other folks dads, tv, etc.) that end up influencing and imparting more on him of what a man is and does. i’m not trying to take anything away from women, just saying what i believe. a woman can’t teach a man how to be a man. see my post below that answers P-Jacks question:
    
    “…who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?”
    - http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson
      
      omg…i agree with GK. (smile) I had a friend in college whose dad used to preach on this very topic. i’m paraphrasing but he said “that a woman can raise a boy, but not a man”. it’s not a dis’ on a woman’s ability AT ALL, but rather a statement about the profoundness of influence that male presence has on a boy’s development into manhood. why else do you think Ms. Reva dropped Tre off at his daddy’s house in Boys n the Hood? huh? (i just lost all credibility in that statement, didn’t i?)
      - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
        
        “why else do you think Ms. Reva dropped Tre off at his daddy’s house in Boys n the Hood? huh? (i just lost all credibility in that statement, didn’t i?)”
        
        shit, you actually gained some credibility. thats the best cinematic example of “father knowing whats best for a son” that i can think of
    - http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl
      
      I agree GK you can’t. My heart goes out to a woman who thinks she can. But trust there’s “equal blame” to go all the way around. At least “most” women don’t instinctually bounce. She tries to make it do what it do.
      
      What does that say about a “man”??
      
      I can ponder and do back seat child rearing and quarter backing, cause I don’t have kids, but I would pray that I would let the father in (if he wants to be there or make peace with the converse), show my son better examples of being a man (by introducing him to other great examples), and do my own inner work to not look for something in my son that CAN NOT BE THERE.
    - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
      
      I JUST finished a book called “Can Black Mothers raise our sons?” by Lawson Bush V, AWESOME book…POWERFUL read…I am recommending it for the clubbus bookus…
    - http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda
      
      @GK, Miss Patterson & Champ. I agree with you all. A radio personality here stated that after a son is off the breast he should go live with his father so he can learn how to be a man. He talked about how women are stubborn and refuse to give the boys to their father until they fail miserably then want to send the child to his father at age 12-15 (when he really starts turning into a man).
      
      As he talked, he made a lot of sense. A father should set the foundation and raise his son to be a man the entire time. Boy N the Hood was a good example with the exception of the mom dropping Tre’ off after she did a piss poor job in the beginning and got fed up.
      - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
        
        I feel that…if/when my son wants to go live with his father…I will not fight it…I will just suck it up and play my part…I think in my case…the co-parent isn’t as active as I would like and may not co-sign on the change in residence…ya dig? the other side of the coin, real talk!
- http://www.funkyblackchick.com Funkyblackchick
  
  EXCELLENT POINT!!
- Miss Patterson
  
  “I don’t call them Mama’s boys…I call them Mama’s little husbands. And there are plenty.” Preach! Good point, it does seem to be a vicious cycle, doesn’t it? single mom raises incomplete man, incomplete man raises incomplete woman, woman seeks incomplete man to marry. Again, even with the men I think this is where therapy comes in to play. Men who were raised in unhealthy single mother homes need to learn healthier boundaries so that they can have a successful relationship with their gf/wife/lover etc…by ‘cutting the apron strings’ from their momma.
  - Leila
    
    Women need to stop this cycle. It’s not healthy and sets up a vicious cycle that keeps continuing. It must be tough to be a single mother, but you have to put your child’s needs first. It’s unhealthy to expect your son to replace the void in your life.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
  
  I actually don’t think daddy issues are worse, per se. I do think that they are more pervasive only because so many households are held hostage to absentee fatherism and unwanted fatherism. However, it’s also more difficult to identify mommy issues b/c they raise us despite shitty circumstances. It’s hard to blame mothers when at least they were there at times.
  
  But once again, its true that they do exist its just harder to blame a person who at least tried their damndest to give you a decent life.
  
  but yes…mothers can suck too.
  - Leila
    
    Both mommy and daddy issues exist, but in different ways. I also think that the fathers who have raised their children should get some recognition too. It seems like we focus so much on the absentee fathers, but forget to credit the fathers that did a great job. I have a few guy friends that were deserted by their moms at a young age and raised by fathers. They’re very strong and responsible men, but the abandonment by their mothers brought upon many issues. They all seem to fear abandonment in their current relationships with their girlfriends/wives, so they try to be the “perfect” man so that their relationships stay in tact….
- http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse
  
  I’m guessing that these men didn’t have fathers in their lives. I noticed that men who grew up with their fathers don’t have mothers who who treat them like little husbands which goes back to my point of how important having a father around is.
  - http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl
    
    ” I noticed that men who grew up with their fathers don’t have mothers who who treat them like little husbands”
    
    the worst “little husband” i ever met had BOTH parents. But as you would probably guess the mother was a “single parent” in action. The daddy was absent figurately..not literally.
    
    I think the idea is that NO one escapes this life without “SOMETHING” to get over, atone for and work on.
    - http://afrodemia.blogspot.com willnotbetelevised
      
      Yea I was about to say the same thing. Men of divorced or parents who are together but there’s no love can have mommy issues too. Where the mother focuses the love she wants from a man onto the son and coddles him to her. Then the son has a lack of personal responsibility b.c. he’s treated special and at the same time guilt about ‘leaving’ their mother b.c. kids can see the desperation for love in her and fear of emotional abandonment even though they may not understand it.
      
      I see that in my half-sister and I know it comes from when my dad divorced her mother etc etc. and now I have a grown nephew with mommy issues, looking for a woman to take care of him, lack of responsibility stuff like that. And a mother who is too involved in his life as as grown man. But there’s other stuff there too.
      
      The most important thing for a child is to have have loving relationship as a model. Whether parents are together, mentors, family friends, uncles/aunts or grandparents. To see how men and women are supposed to interact with each other and treat one another. Then you have expectations of how you should be treated and how you should behave.
Leila

Your post is on point! I completely agree with “daddy issues” even with people who grow up with a father present. I was very lucky to grow up with both parents present in the home. Both of my parents were very loving and actively involved in my upbringing. Many of my friends either didn’t grow up with a father or had a father that wasn’t a good father (i.e. alcoholic, abusive towards their mother, etc…). This affected them in big ways, even the ones who deny it. I also agree with “mommy issues.” I didn’t even know that this existed until I was with an ex of mine who was a complete momma’s boy. It was ridiculous how much of a momma’s boy he was. He expected me to cook for him too and in a way take on some of his mother’s roles. The relationship ended, but made me think how important the roles of both parents are to children. I’m glad that Barack Obama addressed this on Father’s Day and hopefully the discussion will continue and improve because society is really failing our children…..
Raqi

IMO….

I believe that the actions or lack there of our parents have great impact on how we deal in our relationships. Our childhood family lives build the foundation for what we look for in a mate and for what we will accept and endure as a mate. If a man grows up in a family where the mother is a ball buster, he will 1) be resentful of women or B) be hen pecked. If a woman is raised having an absent or abusive father she will A) accept and expect the man in her life to abandon the relationship. And many times subconsciously act in a way to invoke such an outcome. Or 2) she will have daddy issues. Seeking out that love from an unsuspecting victim.

Growing up in a healthy household makes for a better chance of being a better mate. Usually men that are taught to care for their mothers in turn will care for their wives, girlfriends and daughters. The same for women that are taught to respect the father/husband as the head of the house.

When raising our kids we are constructing them to be somebody’s prince(ss) or somebody’s problem.
- Knatural
  
  Amen.
- http://afrodemia.blogspot.com willnotbetelevised
  
  When raising our kids we are constructing them to be somebody’s prince(ss) or somebody’s problem.
  
  *Mormon tabernacle*