it usually doesn’t start this way.
it probably began with the same passion, enthusiastic spontaneity, unbridled optimism, and unprompted sunday bj’s synonymous with most happy couples. you liked each other, alot, and still actually do on wednesdays, but somewhere along the line your joyful coupling turned into a joyless abyss of unrelentingly sh*tty sh*ttyness.
thing is, like most of us, you probably didn’t realize exactly how terrible your relationship was until you got out of it. sure, everyone else could see it, but you were too blinded by your investment and occasional gotdamn to actually notice.
to make sure this lack of recognition of your sh*tty circumstances never happens to any of you again, here’s 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship
1. you want them dead
ok, you might not actually want to kill them or even want them to die, but lets just say that if a completely random, completely painless, and undoubtedly fatal accident were to befall your mate, it probably wouldn’t upset you that much
***pausing to allow everyone reading this who’s ever been in a sh*tty relationship to nod their head in shameful understanding***
2. they don’t make you happy
its probably not a good thing if the only time you can remember your man making you laugh is when you saw him get tazed by a traffic cop last month.
3. you think everyone you encounter is attractive in someway…except your significant other
seriously, i think this is how they pick the contestants for “the flavor of love”. they just target women in relationships so sh*tty that they’d find a bowl of cream of wheat more sexually attractive then their current bf’s.
4. its based on a lie
while white lies here or there about their awful spaghetti, your extensive p*rn collection, or the looks of their enthusiastically unattractive siblings are sometimes needed to keep the relationship peace, there’s no surer sign that you’re in a sh*tty relationship than if lies are needed to keep it going.
usually, theses type of lies fall in one of two categories
a) willful deception (ie: willingly (and selfishly) being the other woman or man)
b) willful self-deception (ie: having to convince yourself that things will get better, even though you know that the wait for that improbability would be longer than khloe kardashians chin)
5. you’ve stopped having spontaneous sex
6. nobody ever invites you anywhere as a group
which actually doesn’t matter because even if you were invited, you wouldn’t attend because…
7. you dont want to spend time around genuinely happy people
…and have their mere presence reminds you of the sh*tstorm of unhappiness that is your life
8. you always have more fun if they’re not included
lets just say that you qualify if your first mental response to “i invited your girl, too“, “your girl is on the way“, or (from your girl) “i want to spend some time with you this weekend” is always “f*ck!!!”
9. you’ve had to pull repeated “usher’s” (ending good relationships with other people to make it work)
10. you’re always the last person to find sh*t out about each other
from your promotion at work to the results of your std screen, a hallmark of a sh*tty relationship is everyone else always learning important stuff about your significant other before you do. seriously, i have a friend who broke up with his aggressively unintelligent chick in august and still hasn’t told her yet (they’re also still having sex. his explanation: “you expect me to deprive myself of some regular ass just because she doesn’t check her voicemails?”)
people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? are there any more signs that your relationship sucks that i’m leaving out?
also, has any of this happened to you? have any of you been in a relationship and not realized how truly sh*tty it was until after you’ve broken up?
the carpet is yours
—the champ
number 8 shoulda been number 1 to me……that aint nothin but the truth…..
@Blacklaw,
Cosign…
@Blacklaw,
they’re all created equal and sh*t
You hit the nail on this one. I’m about to forward this to my friends lol.
Other signs I’ve seen:
- you feel happy when they leave town and are in no rush to see them.
- anytime your friends bring up a future with your significant other, you cringe
- your family/friends avoid bringing up your significant other in conversations and try to set you up with other people
@Leila,
cosigning on ur #2.
@Leila,
i’m in total agreement with your number 1…and number 2 actually…i’m sorry but i loved when the other went out of town. Bye!!!!!!!!!!
@Leila,
- anytime your friends bring up a future with your significant other, you cringe
lol, i had a friend who would literally spit whenever someone asked him this.
he’s now married to that chick
@The Champ,
ohhhh noooo…
@Leila,
Have to co-sign those add-ons. Especially,
- you feel happy when they leave town and are in no rush to see them.
I knew I had to end it when I was ecstatic he was going out of the country for the holidays. That is a no bueno situation.
Also if you out with them and they have food on their face and you dont even think about telling ‘em….u dont like that ni99a no mo’ ………certainly dont love ‘em
you flirtin with someone larger than him in the hopes that he myt step up and get seriously embarrassed/harmed
you start lying to her about stuff u didnt even have to lie about…..saying you got too much work to do to avoid hangin out with her and her friends……faking family tragedies so u aint gotta be her date in a wedding…..
@Blacklaw,
you start lying to her about stuff u didnt even have to lie about
yeah, lying for no reason other than you just dont want them to know sh*t about you is definitely a sign
how about not being able to maintain a conversation with your SO because their voice simply irritates you? even when they’re being complementary (which doesn’t happen often cuz he’s such an asssssshoooooooooool)?
and i concur with 8. yes lawd i concur with 8.
@cam1ll3, yo I know how u feel…i be puttin this chick on speaker…..walking away doin dishes….still aint stopped talking…about what I dont know……she just loves to hear herself talk
@Blacklaw,
lol@walkin away doing the dishes. i mean, someone should be being productive while she’s yammering on…lol
@cam1ll3,
yes! and then you feel bad when (if) they’re being complimentary because in your head you’re just thinking about all the ignorance and degredation they sound like.
@charli skipper,
plus, you’re thinking about somebody else. several somebodies elses.
@charli skipper,
chuch!! halleloo!! almost got me doin the church lady dance over here.
@charli skipper, or you are thinking about ANYbody else. No one in particular. Just not them.
And you want them to stop breathing. Not die. Just stop breathing.
@SouthernSole,
a good choke aint never hurt nobody.i’m runnin round the church on this whole list. i’ma do two laps.
@SouthernSole,
lol@stop breathing. not die…
just quiet. no sound. nuffin. lol
@cam1ll3, this is when its time to break up. I’ve been there like “mufu@ka don’t even talk to me!” *cringe*
@Reecie,
*dap*
been there. still there every other week. it’s an improvement believe it or not.
@cam1ll3,
how about not being able to maintain a conversation with your SO because their voice simply irritates you? even when they’re being complementary (which doesn’t happen often cuz he’s such an asssssshoooooooooool)?
LOL
You’re currently unemployed and though you are living together and they are picking up all of the bills, you really begin to think that living at your parent’s isn’t that bad.
You are willing to let go of the house, the car and the vintage records you spent your entire life collecting just to be free.
You begin to hate their friends, too. After all, if they like your SO, they must be stupid.
@V.E.G.,
#2…#2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@V.E.G.,
#1 and #3 =gospel truth!!!
@V.E.G.,
You are willing to let go of the house, the car and the vintage records you spent your entire life collecting just to be free.
i’d include “your last set of personalized basketball sweats from college”
i love this post. especially 7 & 8.
what about when you just start randomly plotting your disappearance. you don’t mean to; you’re just on your way home and all of a sudden you realize that for the last 40 minutes, you’ve been blocking out the sound from the radio and trying to work out the particulars of how many necessities you can throw into a bag while still getting the h*ll out of dodge and changing your cell phone number by 8pm. and you think, “i can make it on the streets of a strange city until i earn enough for 1st and last month’s rent on a modest studio….if h**kers can do it, why can’t i?”
@charli skipper,
get out of my head this instant!
@charli skipper,
what about when you just start randomly plotting your disappearance. you don’t mean to; you’re just on your way home and all of a sudden you realize that for the last 40 minutes, you’ve been blocking out the sound from the radio and trying to work out the particulars of how many necessities you can throw into a bag while still getting the h*ll out of dodge and changing your cell phone number by 8pm
no
These are on point. So let’s see, other signs I’ve seen…
-Going through the same daily routine with that person and feeling happy and relieved when they finally go home.
-Intentionally picking fights in hopes they won’t talk to you for awhile.
-You look in the mirror one day and don’t recognize who you are, nor do your friends or family.
-You can’t remember when you did something that you enjoyed.
-Choosing to work late at a job you hate just to avoid going home.
@MzKang, ‘Choosing to work late at a job you hate just to avoid going home.’
Yep I’ve done it
@MzKang,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ,
thank you and ish
@MzKang,
ur #3. that is the worst. like, wtf am i doing here? how did this happen?
yeah. that’s a problem.
Damn my last relationship was 10 out of 10 on these. I’m suprised I didn’t jump out the window.
I like how you got the pic of Usher and Tameka up there, he has to be the poster boy of having a sh*tty relationship. Mama is always right!
@Da Iceman,
Damn my last relationship was 10 out of 10 on these
lol, there should be a sh*tty relationship dsm iv.
“if you officially match 5 or more characteristics, you’re officially in a sh*tty relationship. if its 8 or more, you should probably kill yourself before you actually kill your spouse”
@The Champ,
lol, there should be a sh*tty relationship dsm iv.
*snickering*
When you’re alone with said significant other you guys don’t speak cuz any kind of conversation leads to an argument ie, weather, tv shows, dinner. Speaking to this person is an argument waiting to happen, without the great make up sex.
@Jessica,
welcome and sh*t
When your teenager says “Mom & Dad, I’m good if you all separate because match dot com could help you both find someone that loves you back”
@FiveFivewithbrowneyes,
even worse: your teenager tells you that you need to start having sex again
How about these:
*Not only does the sex cease, but you don’t even want to sleep in the same room as them.
*No desire to spend the holidays with them whatsoever.
*Never wanting to come home from work, hanging out, or a vacation without them.
*When the cute, quirky little things they do that used to make you smile makes you want to stab them..repeatedly.
@Monk,
“*When the cute, quirky little things they do that used to make you smile makes you want to stab them..repeatedly.”
Lol! So you don’t want ‘em dead, just close to death?
@Voiceovereason,
Sometimes death can be too easy for some people.
@Monk,
YES YES YES!!!!
you don’t want to kill them, maybe just maim them so that every time they look at the wound they remember that they are a douchebaggy manhoing azzhhhooooolllleeee…
First of all that picture has my DYING!!!!
Second…you just described one of my girlfriend’s marriage to a “T”, lol.
You know you’re in a sh*tty relationship:
-When you’ve got pictures posted of you and everybody BUT your S.O..he ain’t in…not…nan…one photo!
-if you’ve been in a relationship for four years and people have forgotten that you are or they never knew.
-if you bring your sister/friend/co-worker…to couples only get togethers
@Smiley Face,
-if you’ve been in a relationship for four years and people have forgotten that you are or they never knew.
lol, yeah. it would suck always hearing “damn, i thought you two broke up a while ago. who knew?”
You no longer find people who look like her/him attractive.
You start looking on Facebook/Google to see what your ex’s are up to now.
You move that picture in your office/workplace so that you see that stupid smile/grin less.
“Funny” or “cute” things have now become undeniable confirmation of how dumb or irresponsible she is.
You cringe/flinch when they touch you unexpectedly.
@An Island,
Cosign on #5… in blood.
@An Island,
You start looking on Facebook/Google to see what your ex’s are up to now.
its funny how ‘net following” has become a socially acceptable form of stalking
@The Champ,
It’s probably because you don’t have to hide behind no bushes.
@The Champ,
I see it as the equivalent of asking someone who knows them how they’re doing now. Except this person is a computer, and has a shytload of pictures and other information to answer my question. And when you think about it that way, looking them up every hour on the hour doesn’t seem so wrong.
@An Island,
although i’m pretty close to filing that under “things stalkers say”, i have to say that you make a good point
@An Island,
) and the other went to a halloween party last weekend as a guy from the 70′s with a huge afro….yeah, they both look happy.
yes. to the this whole list. the other day, my bf asked, “why you so jumpy?” um….you tried to touch me….he and a group of his friends got into a huge fight outside a campus club a few months ago. yeah, he’s 30….one of my ex’s is getting married in january (rented a billboard to propose to the girl and everything
@charli skipper,
Awwwww. Looks can be deceiving, skipper. After all, you know this about those same ex’s first hand. And that’s my point, if you look back fondly on shyt that blew up then what you got now is thoroughly fckd.
@An Island,
#2 and #5…cuz i’m doing that now.
*sigh*
@cam1ll3,
Sorry to hear. There aren’t beginnings without endings . . . in this game anyway.
2. they don’t make you happy
I’m not sure what you mean by this one. I don’t think it’s someone else responsibility to make you happy. I thought happiness came from within?
A few more to add to
- You always complain to your boys about her
- You appreciate the women you were with before her even more.
-You are asking yourself what you get out of being with her.
-When she tries to play you like a herb and use sex as a carrot and stick.
@Humble_One,
2. they don’t make you happy
I’m not sure what you mean by this one. I don’t think it’s someone else responsibility to make you happy. I thought happiness came from within?
you’re right. your happiness should be your sole responsibility, but we’re humans and sh*t, and the impetus behind our feelings is a bit more nuanced than that. while you shouldn’t rely on a person to always make you happy, there’s a problem if the person you’re in a relationship with rarely brightens your day.
EVERYTHING they do and say pisses you the f*ck off.
My ex became the poster child of “why the f*ck am I with this lame”. Everything became a litmus test for how embarrassing they were. I got whiplash from smh and then hanging it in shame so damn much. Just being around them was painful.
@Deviant,
I got whiplash from smh and then hanging it in shame so damn much
LOL, damn
Your SO starts talking about a future together and you change the topic or act like you can’t hear because you’re so engrossed in that book, map, tv show, essay, song, hell…..anything to distract you from him/her!
@Ivyette,
so i should be worried the next time my gf starts cutting her toenails while i’m talking about my family?
@The Champ,
Yep. Be extra worried if she sticks her fingers in her ears and starts singing “la la la la la la.”
@Ivyette,
co-sign x100
You start referring to him exclusively as that “punk bytch MF”, and everyone knows exactly who you’re talking about.
@miss t-lee,
smgdh….lol
@kingpinenut,
I know…lol
That was on year 2 of the off again, on again. You live, you learn.
@miss t-lee,
maybe it just me…..lol
when i’m done w/ ya ass…..i.am.done….
let the door hit ya ass on the way out!
@kingpinenut,
I’m getting better…lol I don’t have the same patience I had 5 years ago (when Punk bytch MF and I were dating).
@miss t-lee,
Yeah those on again/off again rel’ships will always get ya. People DO change…too bad it’s usually for the worse! hahahaha
@Me fail english?,
Exactly.
I forgot, you had a “Big” too…so you feel me…lol
@miss t-lee,
lmao!!
I have to concur on all of these. I knew my marriage was over when the following happened:
- He moved to another room of the house.
- We didn’t have sex for two years and I couldn’t have cared less (yea, I know he was gettin his). And what…..
- a woman called the house and said ” hello, this is so and so’s girlfriend, may I speak to him?”
- At family functions, we never interacted unless it was for the kids.
- His uncle came up to me and said “want me to talk to him” and I said,,”no”…I mean what the hell for…..
*Its not ten but it was enough*
If anybody is currently experiencing any of this, get out of denial, its over….cut your losses and go.
(FYI- The ex is married to his sidepiece now and miserable. I on the other hand have never been happier.)
@QueenT,
(FYI- The ex is married to his sidepiece now and miserable. I on the other hand have never been happier.)
lol shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyt….he ain’t learn a dayum thang..lmbaoooo
i’ll post your list on my fridge….
somedays…marriage is a biiiiatch
@QueenT,
“(FYI- The ex is married to his sidepiece now and miserable. I on the other hand have never been happier.)”
Love it mayne!!
@QueenT,
(FYI- The ex is married to his sidepiece now and miserable. I on the other hand have never been happier.)
lol, this sounds like the last line on the last page of every tyler perry screenplay
@QueenT,
daaaaaaamn. that hussy called the house?!
i don thee saint QueenT.
When everything he does irritates the hell out of you! I remember this guy’s snoring started off cute and I used to find it comforting. In the mornings I used to make jokes about how he reminded me of a cutesy cuddly bear when he slept. Once I realized I hated him I would avoid staying over. If I did there were nights that I’d stand over him plotting how to shut him up. I swear I wanted to stuff a sock down his throat and papertowels up his nose!! He also used to do this dance when he came out of the shower. It was this shimmy thing that made EVERYTHING sway. Cute at first…a complete turn off towards the end.
@yaa,
“Once I realized I hated him…”
Just curious, how long did you stay with him after realizing you hated him? My girl has despised her man for the past 3 years and they’re still together.
@yaa,
He also used to do this dance when he came out of the shower. It was this shimmy thing that made EVERYTHING sway
thanks for ruining my crabcakes and milk
@The Champ, LOL! Exactly the same way I felt about the dance.
- You call to “check in” out of obligation and do victory dance when it goes to voicemail.
- You start leaving them stranded at places yall went to together (mall, friends house, remote apple picking farm and vineyard).
-You start locking them out the house with the deadbolt but pretend not to be home. lol@ me tryna explain how someone else could have possibly dead-bolted the door if no one was home
-You stop being friendly or polite to his friends and family, even the ones you used to get along with.
-You call the cops on him.
@Me fail english?,
‘remote apple picking farm and vineyard).”
I’m SO MAD AT YOU!! LMAO!!
@Me fail english?,
- You call to “check in” out of obligation and do victory dance when it goes to voicemail.
OMG! So used to do this.
@Me fail english?,
“You call to “check in” out of obligation and do victory dance when it goes to voicemail.”
FANTASTIC addition! Too, too true.
@Me fail english?,
lol @ the calling out of obligation and doing the victory dance when it goes to voicemail. it’s like a bonus. you get the points for calling but don’t have to actually be talked to. but sometimes there’s the agony of their *ss callin right back. repeatedly.
@Me fail english?,
You call to “check in” out of obligation and do victory dance when it goes to voicemail.
CHURCH! The tangled webs we weave sometimes… *smh*
“vyou flirtin with someone larger than him in the hopes that he myt step up and get seriously embarrassed/harmed”
100% cosign
I’ve never flirted with another girl (well at least not in front of my ex face), but there were times where I’d wish someone one would knock her the eff out … I’d never put my hands on a female, so I could never do it, I just wish a big broad named Belinda would have though
@eff yo couch,
why does her name have to be belinda? i think a big boned bernice would suffice
@The Champ,
“a big broad named Belinda” is a reference to a by Mad Skillz song called “Nod Factor”
@eff yo couch,
Lmao!!
You used to watch her sleeping with love and gratitude that you found her. You would kiss her while she was sleeping, or even wake her up just to put it on her cos she deserved it. Now the only thing you wanna do is jack off and knutt into her nostril or all over her face just to piss her off…or better yet…put that pillow over her face…
@HabitualLineCrossa,
You gotta work cite my reference…lmao!!!
@miss t-lee, shout out for the term…I just had something to get off my chest LOL
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Yeah…the seething venom is coming right through…lmao
@HabitualLineCrossa,
LMAO!!!!!! All I can say is D@MN.
and you avoid the stairs or walking near traffic at all costs!!
in her nostril? really? damn.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Now the only thing you wanna do is jack off and knutt into her nostril or all over her face just to piss her off…or better yet…put that pillow over her face…
***slowly backing away from comment***
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Now the only thing you wanna do is jack off and knutt into her nostril or all over her face just to piss her off…
In other words, you want to “superman that h0!”….
@HabitualLineCrossa,
dayumm!
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Now the only thing you wanna do is jack off and knutt into her nostril or all over her face just to piss her off
you just made me spit out kool-aid. funny as ish!!
Other signs your relationship is crap…
…when you are actively seeking a replacement and don’t care if she knows.
…or when you look at the cellphone when she calls and immediately start thinking of an excuse for why you didn’t answer.
…when you find yourself wanting more and more “me” time
…when you stay in the relationship simply because she’s a freak only to later decide it still ain’t worth it.
…you actually get excited when she says those dreaded words “we need to talk” because you hope she’s going to end it…only to be disappointed and have to continue plotting your exit strategy in a way that won’t get the cops involved or allow her to break your sh..stuff.
Cosigning on #8: I knew it was time to end it when I told her the birthday party was a fellas game night. Her plus alcohol = me embarrassed.
@Caballeroso,
Damn, this is like my strategic worksheet from one of my last relationships in law school. How did you get this? LOL!!!
Bond.
@Caballeroso,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
@The Champ, Thank you and sh..stuff!
@Caballeroso,
cosign on 1…i had a friend who invited his gf over to his house…left the door open and everything. she walked in and saw him screwing another girl…AND DIDN’T STOP
@nikki87,
OMG! That’s a pretty effective way to make sure you end things.
@nikki87,
Well dayum.
@miss t-lee,
my reaction exactly. thing is, she didn’t leave! she just stood there and watched…so when he was finally done, he got up, asked her if she wanted anything to eat and gave her money to go buy fast food somewhere…i have some very cruel friends
@nikki87,
More examples of premium hate…lol
@nikki87,
Wow! He sounds like a guy I used to deal with. Not long enough for things to get to that point, but he used to tell me stories of how cruel he could be. I’m glad I know how to take hints.
@nikki87,
gangsta. damn.
Lmao at all the lists. I honestly don’t think people need signs they’re in a sh*tty relationship. Isn’t it the kind of thing you just have a feeling about? That is of course you’re completely happy and you’re SO is hiding the fact that he/she is miserable and you don’t find out until the wedding is called off. SMH at all the weddings I was supposed to go to or be in that never happened.
@Voiceovereason,
And that picture of Usher is classic! Excellent side eye!
@Voiceovereason,
Ain’t it? lol
@Voiceovereason,
I honestly don’t think people need signs they’re in a sh*tty relationship. Isn’t it the kind of thing you just have a feeling about?
i think sometimes people don’t realize how bad (or good) their situations are until they actually leave them, because it becomes so commonplace
@The Champ,
Very true.
thats a pretty good assessment……..I’d like to add bringing out the worst in one another as opposed to the best more times than naught…
@OrangeStar616,
This is a major one. If the way he/she “completes” you is “bringing out your inner hulk”, then maybe you’re better off incomplete.
@Cheekie, yeah for true..some folk mistake that as passion, instead of the major malfunction that it is…….
@Cheekie,
CAM1LL3 ANGRY! CAM1LL3 SMASH! GRRRRR!
If, in your spare time, you drive around and have found several ideal places to hide a body, er, um, chances are you should probably be looking for the exit door to THAT relationship.
Or a good criminal attorney. Cochran is no longer available.
@SexyCool,
Or a good criminal attorney. Cochran is no longer available.
he is. in spirit and sh*t
I have bared witness in mine own relationship to 2, 4, 9, & 10.
@WuDaMan,
no food analogies to help us better understand the situation?
LMAO this list is actual factuals. I will say this, sometimes you generate a lot of these circumstances in your mind, and what you think is a shi**y relationship is really just you not being able to get your stuff together. Like I said, actual factuals.
@Dorian G.,
I will say this, sometimes you generate a lot of these circumstances in your mind, and what you think is a shi**y relationship is really just you not being able to get your stuff together.
expound and sh*t
“his explanation: “you expect me to deprive myself of some regular ass just because she doesn’t check her voicemails?”)”
*dying* @ dude breaking up with the chick over voicemail. He left a message alright!
In honor of the title picture, I bring you number 11:
11. The relationship leads you to release a bootleg song about serving papers under the slim chance that it’ll be as successful as a prior song you released about a failed relationship.
@Cheekie,
Yeah, Usher’s ol dry-snitchin’ ass is TOO t’ahd. He stay gossipping about ex girlfriends. Ol girly mouth summamabish.
@Me fail english?,
I know! Pretty much his entire career is “The Ex Revue”.
@Cheekie & Me Fail English?…HATAS!! LOL
Ain’t the man possed to find a way to profit from the stress he was caused by them chicks?
@HabitualLineCrossa,
No. (c) T-Lee
@HabitualLineCrossa,
This is totally unrelated but had to say this because it’s so stupid. Thinking about his career had me reminiscing about the “You Make Me Wanna” video. When that joint first came out, I thought that Usher was a group. You know those multiple Ushers? I never really heard of him prior, so I thought them mofos were brothers. FML
@ Cheekie
“When that joint first came out, I thought that Usher was a group. ”
Young arse….lmao He had an album before that one. “Can You Get Wit It?” is still my junk.
@ me fail english?
_______
@miss t-lee,
Exactly! I later learned he BEEN out (Star Search and errthang), which warrants the “FML”. I blame it on not having cable as a child. lmao
“When that joint first came out, I thought that Usher was a group. You know those multiple Ushers? I never really heard of him prior, so I thought them mofos were brothers”
LOL
@Cheekie,
“When that joint first came out, I thought that Usher was a group. You know those multiple Ushers? I never really heard of him prior, so I thought them mofos were brothers. FML”
lmao
@Cheekie,
Stop with the Usher disses. His music is his therapy.
@V.E.G.,
LOL, thing is, I actually like him. But come on now, that “Papers” mess? He coulda kept that and gave me a raincheck.
@V.E.G.,
I’m a fan too. Since “Just Call Me a Mack”!
good list.
*shamefully* i will say that number one has come across my mind in the past. (don’t judge me!)
2, 3, 5, and 8 also have held true in the same relationship. ironically we broke up around the same time when confessions dropped. i actually told her to “let it burn”. corny but at the time i just couldn’t think of anything else to say. i just wanted her to be gone.
to further go in on number 3. you see your ex years after you broke up and you still don’t find them attractive. matter of fact you wonder to yourself what you ever saw in them in the first place.
@Tunde,
“you see your ex years after you broke up and you still don’t find them attractive. matter of fact you wonder to yourself what you ever saw in them in the first place”
Ooooh!! That is a good one! I ran into the kat I referenced above last summer on campus. I was like “WTF was I thinking? Ugh. ” That’s a good thing though, cause you truly know you’re over that person, at that exact moment.
@miss t-lee,
“That’s a good thing though, cause you truly know you’re over that person, at that exact moment.”
i remember i ran into this chick i used to date at the dmv. she looked horrible and it didn’t help that she had a bad cold. her “current” was this short, hood dude with really fuzzy braids. i was laughing so hard on the inside. definite downgrade. lol
@Tunde,
Oh the downgrade is ALWAYS hilarious.
@Tunde,
i actually told her to “let it burn”.
my ex husband told me that when i was leaving him. he was actually trying to get me to stay. we were divorced a year later.
I’d add that you’re glad when he calls to tell you he’s gotta work late, having a boys night, etc. cuz that means his trifling as$ aint coming home for a while.
As for wishing your SO was dead, I’ve totally been there with my ex husband. When we were going though our divorce, he used to play the “Imma kill myself” game to try to get sympathy or something (grown men should not ever play punk b!tch games like that) but he learned his lesson when I finally told him to please do it before the divorce was final because I still wanted to be able to get his social security death benefits.
Yeah, I was a cold b!tch to him but I already knew by then it was a sh!tty relationship.
@luvtheshoes,
“I finally told him to please do it before the divorce was final because I still wanted to be able to get his social security death benefits.”
LMAO! *loves you for this* Cold-blooded and knowledgable. My sister didnt get a divorce for ten years cuz in NY state regardless of whether you’re married or not, once you’ve been married to someone for 10 years you’re entitle to a portion of the SSI.
@luvtheshoes,
Woooooow. That’s some cold ish. Damn, lol….in a way, I kinda like this though, LMAO…!!
Bond.
@luvtheshoes,
““I finally told him to please do it before the divorce was final because I still wanted to be able to get his social security death benefits.””
lol. My mom’s friend, who’s ex husband was a cop, said she’d pray he’d get killed in the line of duty so she could get his pension andbe free of him. Cold blooded…but very funny as she said it after she had a couple of drinks in her. lol.
@V.E.G.,
This is some premium hate right chere.
@V.E.G.,
My mom’s friend, who’s ex husband was a cop, said she’d pray he’d get killed in the line of duty so she could get his pension andbe free of him
@The Champ,
Oh no! I got a sad face from the Champ. That makes me
In her defense, she’s middle aged and was drinking some Johnny Walker blue label when she made the comment. As awful as it was, we all laughed. *hangs head in shame*
@V.E.G.,
A hot (I hope) MILF drinking Johnny Walker? Blue label at that? Where is she? Wait…her ex husband is a cop…nevermind.
*news flash* if NO ONE likes your SO, not even that cheerful girl who can find the silver lining in the cloud of a monsoon, there’s a problem.
@Dee, what if EVERYONE likes her cos she always on her best behavior when she around company…then you can’t even vent to yo peoples cos they think YOU crazy…
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Your real peoples will believe you.
Amen on #10. My last BF started doing this right before he broke up with me. I should’ve seen the writing on the wall but best believe next time around I will be much more aware. I am not above a pre-emptive dumping.
Also, from someone in the comments: “Intentionally picking fights hoping they won’t talk to you for a while.” Yeah, he did that shit too. But was so nice (read: naive and pathetic), that I was always willing to “talk about it and work it out.” Ugh! I’m so disgusted with myself.
@Yonnie3k,
Ugh! I’m so disgusted with myself.
thats exactly i how felt after my night with cheekie
@The Champ,
O____O
Champers, go stick your upper lip in a beehive.
@Cheekie,
“O____O
Champers, go stick your upper lip in a beehive.”
OH my! this almost made me choke on a raisin I ate yesterday….LMBO!
@Cheekie,
lmao!
numbers 5, 8, and 9 standout specifically.
Other signs:
1. No joking. God forbid you joke about the way she pronounces words or about how she breathes during sex. (Jeezy Voice) So EMOtional….
2. You begin to think about the things you hate about them instead of what you like about her.
3. You are exhausted just from being around them. Keeping company becomes a duty filled chore.
That’s all I got for now.
Bond. BlkBond.
PS. BRRRR!!! AYE! AYE! OK! (what up T-Lee & overit) LOL…Gucci!
@BlkBond,
“PS. BRRRR!!! AYE! AYE! OK! (what up T-Lee & overit) LOL…Gucci!”
LOL…my niece and I were just being silly and talmbout how hilarious it would be to see Gucci freezing his arse off in Chi-town winter all, “Brrr!!”
@BlkBond,
BRRR!!!!! Funny…I’m listening to that mixtape now…lol
Funny…I have no other reason to say Brrr!, as it’s 60 degrees today.
oh, and what about when you have the “wendy williams show” playin on your tv as background noise in the room, but you’re not really paying attention to it. until she starts talkin to one of the audience members during the “ask wendy” part and the only thing you hear of the entire show was when she says, “you need to end the relationship. you’ve been wasting the last 2 years of your life!”
and you just get sad, turn the tv off, and go to bed. it’s only 2pm. but it’s like that waynch just peered straight through the tv screen and into your soul.
@charli skipper,
this might be the saddest comment ever recorded on vsb.
@The Champ,
It is. Definitely.
@The Champ,
well damn.
@The Champ,
It really is. I rarely want Wendy Williams on my TV, let alone my soul.
@The Champ,
I need a beer after reading that.
@charli skipper,
awwwww *hug*
…when you find yourself regretting not letting ole girl from the FZ step up from the practice squad to be in your starting lineup as your SO instead of who you actually chose. Damn it!
@Caballeroso,
when you find yourself regretting not letting ole girl from the FZ step up from the practice squad to be in your starting lineup as your SO
i dont think this ever actually happens (a man allowing a fz-ed woman t0 “step up” into a committed relationship) except in sandra bullock movies
@The Champ, but if you’re considering it, your relationship is probably sh*t.
i just remembered where i heard the title of this post from. its anchorman.
“it’s so hot, milk was a bad choice” ~ron burgundy lolol
@Tunde,
bingo
when you tell dude not to move to your city, in fear that you might see this mofo ridin’ around tryin’ to find you *shudder*
SO: well i could be getting a job @ (insert company) and i could get a house in (insert city)…
me: uhhhh, no (insert city) ain’t sh*t…i would stay my a$# right here…
@lovin’ me,
when you tell dude not to move to your city, in fear that you might see this mofo ridin’ around tryin’ to find you *shudder*
lol, so you were dating anton chigurh?
Damn Champ… Just, damn… Why you gotta make a brotha think in the morning?
*CSN turns off computer and begins to contemplate the likelihood of his “Gotdamn” outweighing numbers 2,3,4,5,6,8, 9 and 10 (and a little bit of 1) on this list
@Clever Screen Name,
Damn Champ… Just, damn… Why you gotta make a brotha think in the morning?
lol, where are you at where 3:50pm est is morning?
This one is a classic, I did a similar post today on how you know your relationship is really, truly over and a few people have talked about how cold, dead silence hovers over a relationship when it’s on it’s last gasp. Like neither party even wants to waste the oxygen.
@OneChele,
that was a very thorough list on your site and sh*t.
this entire post made me laugh. it’s nice to know i’m not the only one who resorted to some cold hearted ish to get outta a failed relationship
i have to add:
- when u’re mom asks u “child, whachu really doing witcha life?” and u know she ain’t referring to your career
- u do sh*t just to piss them off
- u realise the only difference between ur relationship and prison life…is that there is no difference
@nikki87,
- u realise the only difference between ur relationship and prison life…is that there is no difference
yeah, i can imagine regular rape making a sh*tty relationship even sh*ttier
@The Champ,
lol! that made me think waay too much, plus i-woman hungry…
1. You make up activities to get yourself out the house (running low on Charmin, Milk, taking up Yoga, something).
2. You start calling up your “dangerous” girlfriends and tell him your going out with the “safe” ones. Ya know the ones you put on hold once you got married?
3. Your girlfriends remark that you only look alive when you get away from your man, rather than feeling right when your with him.
4. You realize how bad the sex game was, and how passion and chemistry should have overridden, “well he looks good on paper, and he is really nice and sweet.”
5. You have noticed that the ex that threw the phone at you during one silly argument in your 20s, is still 6’3, 240, and kept himself in damn good shape. Thanks Facebook.
6. You have resolved the self guilt and accepted the trauma that will be suffered by your children, because you selected the wrong man to marry. And your okay with all that, along with loosing the house. No, really okay, I swear. *sigh*
7. You start hearing R. Kelly songs and think of anyone but your husband.
8. You play the what “if game” constantly.
9. You horny as all hell, and size up complete strangers, but don’t want to be in the same airspace of your SO.
10. You are planning an escape (there is food, water, cash, and a floating device hidden in the crib)!
@LAlaw,
“5. You have noticed that the ex that threw the phone at you during one silly argument in your 20s, is still 6?3, 240, and kept himself in damn good shape. Thanks Facebook.”
Just wrong on so many levels…but here’s another further…you’re that ex that stayed in shape and you see ol girl at an event with her husband and she totally ignores the dude and damn near gropes every appendage on you.
“6. You have resolved the self guilt and accepted the trauma that will be suffered by your children, because you selected the wrong man to marry. And your okay with all that, along with loosing the house. No, really okay, I swear. *sigh*”
Gat damn!!!! This is why I am afraid of marriage. And you never see it comin from what I’ve heard…
@LAlaw,
U got it bad, and I ain’t talkin’ bout how Usher meant it.
@LAlaw,
D@mn.
@LAlaw,
good list. welcome and sh*t (btw)
@LAlaw,
“There is food, water, cash and a floating device hidden in the crib”
Damn, LAlaw. You went escape from alcatraz on him. This is why I’m never EVER getting married. Thank you for justifying my decision.
@Clever Screen Name,
Don’t see my failure as a condemnation on the institution of marriage. I just discovered that to have something that lasts a lifetime, hell, lasts over the Seven Year Itch, requires different elements than I imagined in my late 20s. Still debating how to exactly plan a graceful exit, with the writing on the wall, pre-nup I drafted in hand, and various other necessities at my disposal (including the floating device). Its a very unsettling position. As my girlfriends say “he is the perfect father for your children, but the least perfect man for you.” Gotta luv those girls.
@LAlaw,
wow…so…is it a good idea to tell kids to wait till their 30′s before thinking about marriage and procreating…kinda like getting to know self before having to be completely selfless?
@LAlaw,
#4 is what made my time in hell 18 months longer
#9 is why i finally broke up with the SO after 2 years of celibacy
@Deviant,
relationship and celibacy? wth?
I’ve been reading this blog for a few weeks (It’s genuis by the way, shoutout to my hometown hero @TheChamp!!) but this is my first time commenting:
Cosign #2-5 and #8!!
Especially #8 – When you start falling asleep purposely on the couch or feigning cramps or a headache to get out of “chex” (lol). Hell I wouldn’t even want him to kiss me because that’s where it all begins. I think I saw someone else above mention you know it’s bad when you cringe when they touch you unexpectedly or when they attempt some sweet gesture and you can’t even fix your lips to form the slightest semblance of a fake smile..
Also when you start making excuses why they can’t come to a party or your friends BBQ (usually cause you’re checking for someone else you know is going to be there) and say, “It’s not really a couples thing. No one else will have their bf or gf there” or “You might feel awkward because you won’t know anyone..”
Even worse when you’re ready to leave them and their sorry ass is all crying and begging you not to leave and you look them dead in their ugly ass snotty nosed face and you just don’t give a f*ck…
I’m done LOL..
@BKSweetheart,
“Even worse when you’re ready to leave them and their sorry ass is all crying and begging you not to leave and you look them dead in their ugly ass snotty nosed face and you just don’t give a f*ck… ”
omg. havin the worst day ever and this literally made me lol. and chortle. i need to man the hell up and drag myself to this place right here. lol
Gee whiz….2,4,5,6,7,9,10 all applied to my last relationship. Plus countless add-ons provided by other commenters…… Regarding 10 I didn’t tell them until 6 months later that I had gotten an award and a bonus at work because I felt like they would just suck the joy out of my happy situation…and even then I told them by accident……I still can’t figure out for the life of me why I stayed in that relationship for two whole years…I knew things were sh*tty after like 6 months. And now that I’m dating someone who’s the opposite of just about everything my ex stood for I’m kicking myself for wasting so much of my life energy on someone who made me so miserable.
I think the big question is:
Are sh*tty relationships redeemable, or should you just cut your losses and run for the hills?
Major Co-signage on this post and the add on’s.
umm, how about when yhur SO turns around yhu make frowning faces, i smell boo-boo faces, and/or violent gestures…such as choking, stabbing, banging them over their head. Not that yhu’d do it, but it’d be nice if someone else did so everyone would be distracted && yhu could make yhur getaway…..oh that’s just me? okay.
lmao@ “….to the results of your std screen.” that’s a problem.
When you give the Usher Side Eye to your cell phone when “their” ringtone comes up.
There’s one particular ringtone from a Nextel phone that isn’t made anymore (praise King Triton of the Sea) that I occasionally hear and is immediately followed by Kill Bill music in my head.
****When you pray that ur SO would “Pick” their weekly fight. So that you’d have an excuse to not call them for two weeks while you frolicked about with your side piece in another continent.
not that I did it…..
“***pausing to allow everyone reading this who’s ever been in a sh*tty relationship to nod their head in shameful understanding***”
Let the church say amen…Classic!
1 – when you can’t accept him for who he is
2 – when his actions don’t match his words
3 – when his name on your called ID makes you cringe
4 – when the thought of being intimate with him induces nausea
5 – when you hope he’ll cheat…so you have a “justified” reason to break up
6 – when you introduce him to girls you hope he’ll cheat with
7 – when he mentions being ready to put a ring on it and your immediate reaction is “you should save your money…you know, in these tough economic times”
8 – when you tell him it’s over and he says no (huh? it wasn’t a question)
9 – when you ask him if sleeping with someone else will finally help him understand it’s over….and he says no….
Maybe 8 and 9 are signs you’re dating a stalker….
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90% of everything I have read here is so true in my case..
I told my SO I would work 7 days a week..my off days I would go see a movie solo….finding and getting a side chick (I want her to me married too) was too much work.
Just being without her for a day was like a vacation to me although I was probabilityworking anyway. But then she would get mad and want me to come home early like I could just pull anything at work and still have a job next week….
Number 1 on this post is crazy but true for most of us…only the insane would REALLY do that LOL.
The title of this post alone had me dying laughing. Love this blog, and loved that movie!