Men Just Don’t Trust Women. And This Is A Problem » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

Men Just Don’t Trust Women. And This Is A Problem

It took five months of marriage, eight months of being engaged, and another year of whatever the hell we were doing before we got engaged for me to learn something about my wife. Actually, that’s misleading. I’ve learned many things about my wife in that time period. I learned that she owns both a snuggie and a onesie. And I learned that she’s prone to wearing both of them at the same time. But, there’s one thing in particular that didn’t quite dawn on me until last week.

Panama and I were talking about the Rolling Stone story controversy. It eventually segued to Cosby, which then segued into a realization that there’s a common thread in each of these types of stories and the tenor of the conversations surrounding them.

Trust. Well, the lack thereof. Generally speaking, we (men) do not believe things when they’re told to us by women. Well, women other than our mothers or teachers or any other woman who happens to be an established authority figure. Do we think women are pathological liars? No. But, does it generally take longer for us to believe something if a woman tells it to us than it would if a man told us the exact same thing? Definitely!

This conversation is how, after five months of marriage, eight months of being engaged, and another year of whatever the hell we were doing before we got engaged, I realized I don’t trust my wife. 

When the concept of trust is brought up, it’s usually framed in the context of actions; of what we think a person is capable of doing. If you trust someone, it means you trust them not to cheat. Or steal. Or lie. Or smother you in your sleep. By this measure, I definitely trust my wife. I trust the shit out of her. I also trust her opinions about important things. I trusted that she’d make a great wife, and a trust that she’ll be a great mother. And I trust that her manicotti won’t kill me.

But you know what I don’t really trust? What I’ve never actually trusted with any women I’ve been with? Her feelings.

If she approaches me pissed about something, my first reaction is “What’s wrong?

My typical second reaction? Before she even gets the opportunity to tell me what’s wrong? “She’s probably overreacting.” 

My typical third reaction? After she expresses what’s wrong? “Ok. I hear what you’re saying, and I’ll help. But whatever you’re upset about probably really isn’t that serious.”

I’m both smart and sane, so I don’t actually say any of this aloud. But I am often thinking it. Until she convinces me otherwise, I assume that her emotional reaction to a situation is disproportionate to my opinion of what level of emotional reaction the situation calls for. Basically, if she’s on eight, I assume the situation is really a six.

I’m speaking of my own relationship, but I know I’m not alone. The theme that women’s feelings aren’t really to be trusted by men drives (an estimated) 72.81% of the sitcoms we watch, 31.2% of the books we read, and 98.9% of the conversations men have with other men about the women in their lives. Basically, women are crazy, and we are not. Although many women seem to be very annoyed by it, it’s generally depicted as one of those cute and innocuous differences between the sexes.

And perhaps it would be, if it were limited to feelings about the dishes or taking out the garbage. But, this distrust can be pervasive, spreading to a general skepticism about the truthfulness of their own accounts of their own experiences. If women’s feelings aren’t really to be trusted, then naturally their recollections of certain things that have happened to them aren’t really to be trusted either.

This is part of the reason why it took an entire high school football team full of women for some of us to finally just consider that Bill Cosby might not be Cliff Huxtable. It’s how, despite hearing complaints about it from girlfriends, homegirls, cousins, wives, and classmates, so many of us refused to believe how serious street harassment can be until we saw it with our own eyes. It’s why we needed to see actual video evidence before believing the things women had been saying for years about R. Kelly.

There’s an obvious parallel here with the way (many) men typically regard women’s feelings and the way (many) Whites typically regard the feelings of non-Whites. It seems like every other day I’m reading about a new poll or study showing that (many) Whites don’t believe anything Black people say about anything race/racism-related until they see it with their own eyes. Personal accounts and expressions of feelings are rationalized away; only “facts” that have been carefully vetted and verified by other Whites and certain “acceptable” Blacks are to be believed.

So how do we remedy this? And can it even be remedied? I don’t know. This distrust of women’s feelings is so ingrained, so commonplace that I’m not even sure we (men) realize it exists. I can do one thing, though. The next time my wife tells me how upset she is about something I’m not sure she should be that upset about, trust her. After five months of marriage, eight months of being engaged, and another year of whatever the hell we were doing before we got engaged, it’s the least I can do.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Ghettoprincess

    I don’t trust my husband when it comes to the level of how sick he really is. I feel bad about it but if he calls acting like he has the flu I’m thinking it’s probably a cold.

    • BreezyX2

      GURL!!! Don’t they just be outchea overreacting?!?! Dude, go sit somewhere and hush acting like he just gave birth. Uggghh!

      • My husband is the opposite. If he broke his big toe, he’d probably call me and tell me he got a scratch but it’s not a big deal. I have to pry pain out of him so that he doesn’t keel over if he needs actual medical attention.

        So I guess, in essence, I don’t trust him, either lol

        • Aly

          This is my reality, too lol

          • zblair13

            After lifelong experience with serious illness in my family, when I married my husband I asked him to go to the doctor once a year for a physical and if he was bleeding out of control or had broken bones. We’ve been together 14+ years and he still does it. That’s committment <3

            • RippityRip

              Sounds like common sense.

        • I’m with your husband. I’d take my a** to the doctor and that’s that. No need to make it into a Greek drama.

          • I have to “bully” him into going to his yearly checkups.

            • gush

              So, you don’t trust his feelings.
              Feelings aren’t evidence of even his well being. (and this is actually true for most guys and quite a lot of girls too. Most people are like that in the end.)
              The lesson? He doesn’t trust you either. And that’s a good thing.
              If you trusted his expression of feelings about his wellness (which doesn’t conflate with actual feelings) he’d die much earlier, if he trusted you on your bullshits, similar bad circumstances would ensue.
              We only trust information (and that’s all there is) when it’s coherent with facts.
              And this is why this article is bullshit.

              • AA

                What is the fact that makes the article bullshit?

                • gush

                  Exactly that. Men shouldn’t trust women by default, or women shouldn’t trust men by default. (the last one the article doesn’t argue for, how interesting)
                  Trust is not a very good default stance. Distrust isn’t either. Caution is a good default stance.

              • HotFoil

                You’ve confused blind trust with the trust that should be in a relationship. If we were talking blind trust, then yes, you’re argument makes sense.

                • gush

                  I’m not confusing blind trust, I’m talking about the measure of trust she wants.

        • RippityRip

          a broken big toe aint no thang

          • in which you totally missed my point lol. BUT. A scratch it is not!

        • See, trust his “I’m fine” Dara

        • splashy79

          My husband used to be that way, to the point where he ended up dying from a heart attack when we just thought he had wrenched his right shoulder. Sometimes I wish I had pushed him more, but, after all, it was his life on the line.

      • Tx10inch

        Really? Really? We all know women are FAR worse in the big baby department. Not even close.

        • My boy is a RN in a cardiac ward and he has a pain scale of certain demographics of who can endure illness and pain without whining or being problem patients.

          1.Old black ladies
          2. Old white ladies
          3. Old black men
          4. Old white men
          5. Young people.

          • camilleblu

            my friend is a nurse practitioner and she says the same thing.

          • Tx10inch

            Well of course you can’t count old people. I’m sure they figure “why complain? any day now….”

          • mikster

            everyone outside this list just wants to ensure that health insurance is hard at work… I mean If im paying I want to act a fool just because lol.

            • GemmieBoo

              LOLOL!! i have great health care but ive never really put it to the test (and this actually makes me feel kinda guilty for those that really need good medical coverage and dont have it).

              i once effed up my foot really bad, had a hard time walking, or putting my foot flat on the floor. i waited months until my annual physical to say something to my doctor. i mean, i wasnt tryna pay more than 1 copay if it was something that could heal on its own lol. i went to physical therapy until i had to start paying a copay… then i decided, eh, it wont fall off, so im good lol.

              • mikster

                cracking up at that co-pay, that money adds up quick dont it! Is your foot still ok? lol. one of my friends burned his ENTIRE arm from an iron… he lifted up his arm and I almost pee’d my pants from the horrific sight … he like “im good, i put Vaseline on it” LOL LOL

          • Toots

            All hail the BLACK WOMAN.

          • DNA(splicer)

            I don’t belive that for a second. I’ve seen women around me start crying and taking so loud like the earth is about to implode for a broken nail or a burn or something small. My dad cut his hand in half and not one tear or cry came out of him I had my skill bashed in and I wasn’t acting like the world was going to die.

        • BreezyX2
        • macweirdo42

          Frick, I developed a disorder with my nervous system that left me virtually unable to walk, and it was about a week before I finally went to the hospital (and even then, only because my mom had threatened to call an ambulance – I was living on my own on the other side of the country at the time).

        • pj

          You’re the problem.

        • ZombieStomp

          Maybe just the ones you date? I kid, but that comment comes from somewhere. :
          I think character can be spotted pretty early on during something stressful, but have been fooled too.

      • BusJustice

        the fuck did you just say?

      • Whatever. Y’all love babying us.

        • BreezyX2

          LOL, the debil is a lie and so are you Mic!! :)

          • DNA(splicer)

            Devil*

      • Yourlogicisdumb

        Like giving birth is so hard.

        Some women WANT to do it more than once.

        I have never turned to my wife and said, “I think I want to sit on my balls again.” Now, THAT is pain. Try to imagine the sudden stabbing feeling followed by a numb sick feeling that rolls in your stomach and makes you want to either passout or throw up or both. And if you get them good, it doesn’t just go away. It sticks with you for a couple days. Sit on your balls without being sick for half a day and get then talk to me about over reacting.

        • Anon

          That’s basically what menstrual cramps feel like, except like… way easier to deal with. I’d trade the occasional nutting for several days of cramps every single month for the next 40 years of my life.

    • My wife doesn’t understand that when I’m truly sick that I want to be left the ***k alone. I get #hounddogmean when I’m ill.

      • SororSalsa

        I’m with you. When I’m sick, I don’t need anything except for everyone to get out of my face and leave me be.

        • Nikki

          I’m a woman who feels this way all the time, sick or not

      • ns

        have you actually *told* her this or have you just been a total arse about it and expected her to read your mind while being #hounddogmean?

      • UppityBlackWoman

        If my man was sick, I’d be very hurt if he wouldn’t let me take care of him. That’s what I do.

        • Michael Gauthier

          It’s not about you.

          • UppityBlackWoman

            Ok Mr. Grumpy Gills.

            • ZombieStomp

              He does have a point. Maybe backing off a wee bit while being helpful will make him want to get out of bed and back to the fray sooner. Too much fuss and he might take advantage sometime. Absolutely keep an eye on his symptoms, though, like a momma hawk.

        • Apollo

          I wouldn’t mind unless maybe I had something contagious like the flu. I wouldn’t want her to catch it.

        • DNA(splicer)

          lol i rather go through it alone, after watching how evil women are i rather just go through pain a fever or broken bones alone.

      • DNA(splicer)

        i feel the same way i hate being babied, go and cuddle ur gay friend or ur girlfriend let me sweat my fever away or let me sit down in peace as my broken bones heal

    • pls

      i’m guilty of this. men don’t handle discomfort or pain well.

      • Raymond Martin

        Men actually handle pain better than women, scientific fact. And the difference is pretty obvious when a man or woman gets hurt. The man can pick himself back up faster than a woman on average.

        • pls

          I’m pretty sure it’s a scientific fact to the contrary. Even if it’s not, I don’t know a single man alive that could bear the brunt of pregnancy and child birth with the bounce back that a woman does. Menstrual cramps?? lol stop playing

          • Michael Gauthier

            Yup. Granted. But, that’s why we have the idea that women handle pain so much better. There’s evidence now that says that what we believe about women handling pain vs. men simply isn’t true.

            And, how would we know how well men would handle childbirth or menstruation, since they don’t happen to men?

            • pls

              yea i googled some stuff after i responded. what i saw suggested women may “feel” pain more intensely than a man because society primes us to be damsels and trains men to be emotionless. In a sense, both genders are following a script. there’s studies that support both stances though.

              the most comparable pain to childbirth for a man would be passing a kidney stone. so yea, something most women will experience is likened to a painful chronic disease.

              All I’m sayin is that when the men around me get a cold, they are completely helpless. Meanwhile, actually painful things we as women have to go through we are told to grin and bear it.

              • gush

                A very small kidney stone (a speckle) if she’s not on pain medication.

          • DNA(splicer)

            durng child birth the body releases a heck of a lot of pain numbing chemicals that reduce pain. SOme women even feel euphoria when having kids due to this http://www.livescience.com/37039-orgasmic-birth-real.html

      • DNA(splicer)

        who told u this ur feminist friends, come talk to me when ur hand gets cut halfway by a saw and u dont let out one tear.

    • Rachmo

      + 1,000,000. Men are babies when they get sick.

      • Raymond Martin

        Women are bitches all the time. +1000000000000000000000000000000000000

      • DNA(splicer)

        no when im sick i go through it alone, lol i got bitten by a stray dog and i was like fuck it if i die i die, luckily im still alive, my dad got his hand cut by a saw down to the center my step mother got mad at me for not caring what happened to him, we didnt care i give him a head bob he did the same, he wasnt dead so why cry about that, he is a man im a man we dont try to pry emotions out.

        Ur probably around gay guys or sissies

    • Tezzybaby

      Yes! Every time my SO gets sick, it’s like that “I’m not your superwoman” Martin episode. You would swear this ninja got Ebola the way he acts.

    • Science

      There’s been a study that the flu affects men way more harshly than it does women.

      • Derek Williams II

        I can verify this. The last time I got the flu it also caused me to get Strep Throat and I couldn’t move for 2 days. But I don’t complain about illnesses (I’ve sprained both of my ankles 4 times each and only went to the doctor twice, and only because my parents made me when I was still in middle school) like that, especially since I don’t get sick. Men like to be babied and catered to though, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the majority of men act childish when sick

        • Michael Gauthier

          Do you really think women don’t like to be babied and catered to?

    • Cesar Julian Aguirre

      It’s good that you can admit that. The issue of men not trusting women is not a free pass for women to distrust men, but more an opportunity to air out the distrust that can create division in a relationship.

      • jules

        I feel this not only in lersonal but also very much in every conversation I want to contribute to. Lile at work. Its disheartening. I don’t know what to do about it. You have a great idea, and few weeka later someome else, a man, says what you said, but even less, and the idea gets granted. You feel sort of happy that it now is going to happen but… it can’t be good to your health.

    • Raymond Martin

      Get a grip. Men can take significantly more pain than women, scientific fact.

      • Michael Gauthier

        Documentation, please?

      • ZombieStomp

        I haven’t witnessed that. It depends on the person.

      • gush

        Not exactly, there’s no conclusive study on this.
        What we have conclusively is that men take less than half of sick days than women do.

        • DNA(splicer)

          men can take more pain and their bodies can last longer under stress and physical damage.

          • gush

            No conclusive study on this. What we have, again, is that men take less sick days on average.

    • HotFoil

      You know that flu and cold symptoms are very similar, right? Most flu lasts longer and could turn into worse issues, but the initial problems are the same…

  • Asiyah

    “Trust. Well, the lack thereof. Generally speaking, we (men) do not believe things when they’re told to us by women.”

    YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

    FINALLY! THIS WAS EXPLICITLY SAID! NO BS! NO SUGARCOATING! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GUYS YOU ARE MAKING SO MUCH PROGRESS!

    you get cookies, today. just for today, though, since I’m feeling happy and you don’t trust my feelings. but I’ll be benevolent anyway.

    • BreezyX2

      Asiyah, why you giving Champ cookie when you know hims married and whatnot?!?!

      • Asiyah

        Because I got a case of the feels and that makes me shady and untrustworthy

      • Frankie D.

        Because he’s trying?

    • Sigma_Since 93

      you get cookies

      *mulls the offer over. What are you putting in these “cookies”?????*

      • Asiyah

        would you trust that I’m actually going to tell you the truth about what I’m putting in said cookies?

        • Sigma_Since 93

          And you wonder why I’d be slow to accept said cookies. I need references from three people who are not your gurls and who are not family.

          • Asiyah

            I feel you doubting me, Sigma. What are your thoughts? Am I correct?

            • Sigma_Since 93

              I don’t doubt that you would bake the e cookies, I doubt the goodness of said cookies as I have not sampled your wares. Have me eating some gluten free, sugar free, sweetener substitute cookies.

              • camilleblu

                smh…

              • Asiyah

                I love sugar and glutten! I’m offended that you would think a Caribbean Queen like myself would ever use artificial sweetener!

    • Andy W

      hahaha but youre not making any progress with that patronizing bullshit lmaoo

  • Aly

    Very insightful, Damon! Looking forward to the comments.

  • Skegeeaces

    Well, a woman can overreact to a situation, but that didn’t mean the situation didn’t happen. If a dude steps on another dude’s Jordans and he shot him, that was an overreaction. However, it doesn’t change the fact that someone DID in fact stomp on his overpriced, ego-and-rent-money idols.

  • Freebird

    Hmmmmm. This might be one to stay away from.

    So, do we feel women, in general, trust men more? Seriously.

    • BreezyX2

      I thought you was staying away? Why you asking questions? Go sit in the corner.

      • Freebird

        Lol. Not yet. I’m putting my toe in the water first. Trying to understand. Feels almost like Champ is ready to throw on the Captain Save-em uniform and there is no Lois Lane.

    • camilleblu

      lol…noap. bc we think that you’re discounting us as being *overly emotional*, and therefore not giving us sincere help, answers, etc.

    • Asiyah

      I can’t speak for all women, but I can speak for myself–NO. No way do I trust a man. Not his actions, his thoughts, his words, his feelings, NOTHING. I’m just happy the feeling is mutual! Only mutual feelings between me and a man.

      • Freebird

        Your honesty is attractive.

        • Asiyah

          I don’t know if I can trust that compliment, but I’ll take it!

          • Freebird

            well hey, i might be masking something. beware.

          • Trust the compliment for once. LOL

    • Rachmo

      I’m working on it.

    • I trust men to mask their feelings.

      • Freebird

        Ha!

      • Agatha Guilluame

        Speak on it, Dara. My biggest problem with black men is that they’re not introspective enough. They don’t sit in a feeling, examine it, learn from it and eventually grow from it. They instead run from it. Mask it. Snuff it out with [insert vice here].

        • Rachmo

          With whiskey? Okay now I’m feeling attacked. I AM WHO I AM!

          • Agatha Guilluame

            I really think you’re the vanguard of a new tribe of chick…I’ve talked about the “it’s cool girls” but you and some others on here (AP, Sham, WC, etc. (maybe not Sham) are part of an off-shoot of that…let’s call you guys the “eww feelings” chicks. Whereas, the “it’s cool girls” seems embarrassed and ashamed of being soft and pink and cover hurt feelings with “it’s cool” even though being sensitive is a biological and cultural right….your group, the “eww feelings” chicks for all intents and purposes really don’t seem to be as bothered and it’s not for show. Does the well just not run as deep? Is this a case of real cultural evolution? I mean what’s going on here…is rap music to blame?

            This whole thing baffles me.

            • Rachmo

              I’m 99% sure it comes from growing up with my family. They are the absolute best but two of my nuclear family members have a “flair” for the over dramatic. Add in a ton of family drama from my non-nuclear family and it led to me really tempering my own emotions/issues. My rationale is we can’t all be upset and freaking out bc the problem has to be fixed. Someone had to bring things down a notch and that was usually me. It’s not an awesome thing as I know I’m pretty cold sometimes but it is what it is.

              • Agatha Guilluame

                Okay that makes sense to a point…except you’re equating sensitivity with histrionics.

                The people around you were overly dramatic and to counteract that you responded by being very measured, very cool. Except now if you feel “safe” or if you feel like you don’t have to be the “rational” one all the time then you should be able to express your feelings even if you do it quietly. But there has to be “feelings” to express.

                So are you having all of these “feelings” and not expressing them?

                Or are you only expressing “feelings” you feel comfortable or its acceptable expressing like “joy” or “rage” about [insert latest doodad here] rather than “angst” or “insecurity” about [insert feminine qualm here]? Kind of like how dudes are…

                • Rachmo

                  It’s both.

                  1) I only express my full feelings with certain people At this point only bae really knows everything that is happening.
                  2) On the regular I’m really only comfortable expressing a range. Bae pries the rest out of me through my cold dead heart haha. Although for the record I don’t think angst or insecurity are really feminine qualms as plenty of dudes have these issues as well.

                  • Agatha Guilluame

                    You see that’s the thing…only bae knows. Which, traditionally, is typical of most men, instead of utilizing all the available support around them, they instead only confide in their #bae and when that relationship ends…they’re unmoored. (They still mask it though)

                    Whereas women traditionally utilize all of the listening ears around them. They’re not afraid of being candid and vulnerable because it’s been their cultural and biological right to be soft and pink. They’re not afraid of being judged for having certain fears and insecurities…except this new generation of women…the “it’s cool” girls and the “eww feelings” chicks.

                    And nothing I’m saying is groundbreaking.

                    SN: When I said “feminine qualm” I didn’t mean to imply it was “innately” feminine just culturally feminine.

                    • Rachmo

                      I think that’s totally normal for other people to be vulnerable and share with a lot of folks but it’s just not the way I’m built. That’s probably why I’m dating someone that is more in tune with their emotions than myself.

                    • Agatha Guilluame

                      You say people but you should say women. I mean do you know a lot of men that are emotive…beyond expressing the two extremes…men that aren’t gay…

                      And by men I mean black men.

                    • Rachmo

                      I don’t know tons and tons but some of the guys I’ve spent a lot of time with ranging from my last three boyfriends, mi padre, a few of the guys I’ve worked with, and some of my guy friends and dudes I dated were emotive. The guys I’m thinking of off the top of my head ranged from “more emotional than I” to “whoa aaaallllllllll the feels.” It wasn’t always a right off the bat kind of situation but when something came up and they needed to “let it out” I heard them out with their “stuff.”

                      In truth, when I think about it a lot of folks in DC don’t reveal their “true selves” I do not know a ton of people in general that are emoting all over the place. People here tend to keep a together “face” on at all times and don’t reveal a lot of vulnerability bc everyone is super competitive, especially the women.

                      Other than drunken crying moments a lot of chicks here are not letting you know the full story of what’s happening with them. That was why I was so taken aback the first time I hung out a bunch of New Mexicans bc they all kept saying what they were thinking and what was actually happening in their lives.. It threw me off.

                    • Agatha Guilluame

                      Okay so I’m confused. Are you surrounded by emotive men that you haven’t slept with. Or aren’t you (because the D.C. culture doesn’t allow that).

                      Also, not to go off on a tangent but my one “hanging out” in D.C. experience was so disheartening. The cute guy I met besides being married, kept trying to talk about his job…at 3 in the morning…like feh whet? And the D.C. convert that was with me kept allowing him to…I finally had to take the convo in hand so we could have the kinds of conversations I like to have…I think I may have saved his marriage.

                    • camilleblu

                      “I think I may have saved his marriage.”

                      lol…smh

                    • Agatha Guilluame

                      [redacted]

                    • Agatha Guilluame

                      Went into moderation…fuh whet…

                      Listen he wasn’t drunk (he’d come out in the wee hours after a booty call just to eat a burger not to party) and I wasn’t drunk because I’d only had the requisite 1 1/2 drinks I have out to not make the people with me uncomfortable. And we had a conversation about why it takes his wife 45 minutes to come, why she may not want kids, why it was so hard for her to trust him, why she hadn’t embraced his family, why he’d been living in a hotel for the last six months…I mean at the end of it, he gave me the longest hug and said thank you. I think our convo was more interesting than it would’ve been talking about his job and his car he’d build from scratch.

                    • Rachmo

                      Whaaaaaaaat. #iyanlashyt

                    • Rachmo

                      I didn’t say I was surrounded by emotive men. I said up above, “I don’t know tons and tons” and spoke of “some.” Also most of these dudes I was speaking about don’t live in DC. It’s unfortunately a really conservative city and sucks a lot of the feelings out of you.

                    • Agatha Guilluame

                      You see I asked you if you knew a lot. The short answer to that is no. The answer you gave me instead was well I know some. Which made it seem to me like you were just unwilling to agree with my overall point. Like you’d decided to be contrary for contrary sake. Which is why I responded shadily.

                      Either way, back to my point, I still think that when you say I think that’s totally normal for other people to be vulnerable and share with a lot of folks but it’s just not the way I’m built. you should say women not people. Also based on what you said earlier, D.C. (which is an anomaly) had nothing to do with why you’re not emotive…it seems more like you found a home of like-minded individuals more so than you were shaped by the city.

                    • Rachmo

                      Wait what? I’m missing the shade and contrary stuff here I thought we were having a convo.

                    • Aly

                      I really enjoyed this thread. You and Rachmo have given me a lot to think about.

                    • menajeanmaehightower

                      Emotive people tend to find more reserved people. At least this is what happens with me. My friends say i am closed off until you really get to know me. People have always shared their emotions with me and it can become too much sometimes.

                    • Rachmo

                      That could be it. I do tend to have folks unload on me.

                    • Somewhere in Rohan

                      Good to know

                    • LeeLee

                      “In truth, when I think about it a lot of folks in DC don’t reveal their “true selves” I do not know a ton of people in general that are emoting all over the place. People here tend to keep a together “face” on at all times and don’t reveal a lot of vulnerability bc everyone is super competitive, especially the women.”

                      Preach! Finding and sustaining genuine friendships and relationships is hard in this area, especially if you are an introvert who values meaningful conversation over small talk.

                    • LeeLee

                      “Whereas women traditionally utilize all of the listening ears around them. They’re not afraid of being candid and vulnerable because it’s been their cultural and biological right to be soft and pink.”

                      This sums me right on up!

                  • T.Q. Fuego

                    Whether dudes have the qualities or not doesn’t determine whether they’re feminine or masculine qualities though. There are plenty of feminine men and masculine women. Surely you know that. All people have both masculine and feminine qualities to varying extents.

            • MsSula

              I think there are always been these types of girls at any stage in history. They are certainly not the majority but they are there. Thing is nowadays it seems like “more” of them are around because it has become more culturally acceptable to be one of these chicks.

              There is an arena where you will not be told “Shut up, women are supposed to feel x, y or z”… so you hear us more often.

            • Rawtid

              im def one of these “eww feelings” chicks.

        • h.h.h.

          maybe you (in general) aren’t part of that introspection/examination phase?

          just a thought, ma’am.

          • Agatha Guilluame

            What are you saying exactly…what’s the point behind your question?

            • h.h.h.

              i’m just suggesting, that while one of your complaints is that black men are…”not introspective enough. They don’t sit in a feeling, examine it, learn from it and eventually grow from it.“, perhaps this is actually being done, a) just not in view or in a sphere where you can observe and analyse or b) since men and women communicate differently, the process of emotion introspection may be done in a different style than black women can pick up on.

              that’s all.

              • Knowledge god.

                • Agatha Guilluame

                  hush

                • Meridian

                  Actually, word. I think they were both perfect points.

              • Meridian

                Gonna need you guys to be introspective where I can see it. Kthanx.

                • h.h.h.

                  *We’ll* communicate in a way *you* like, when *you* communicate in a way *we* like.

                  deal?

                  • Meridian

                    Okay, how bout this. *You* guys be more forthcoming and *we* will have enough to interpret so that we can communicate in the way you like.

                    • See. I don’t know about this. I’ve been plenty forthcoming emotionally for like the last 4 years of my life with women and very seldom have any of those conversations not led my thoughts, feelings, and expressions to get twisted and contorted into what she wanted to believe rather than what I was actually saying and expressing.

                    • Meridian

                      It sounds like your purpose for communicating is different than the actual reason the woman needs you to communicate. To communicate your personal state is good and I don’t know why a woman wouldn’t embrace such a healthy thing in a man. To have a mutual experience where she desires your communication of such things to connect with her own internal state is probably what the desire is.

              • Agatha Guilluame

                1. I don’t like this avi of yours.

                • h.h.h.

                  1. your displeasure is…noted.

                  2. if how i am and the guys i talk with, aren’t statistically representative, then at the same time, the men that you’ve spoken to, aren’t representative either, because your pov is limited by the ratio of men you’ve met compared to the amount of black men (and i bet you know this too, i hope you’re not searching for confirmation bias)

      • Agreed, but I do think there’s a reason for that. Every dude has either been close to a woman or known a guy similarly situated who has used their feelings for I’ll.

        • i don’t know if i follow. Another person using feelings as a weapon causes men NOT to display their own true feelings?

          • Yep! If I know being emotionally open with a woman can have dire consequences, I’m going to think twice. I know i have been guilty of this. I’m not going to lay it all out if I feel it’s going to get thrown in my face or, worse, used against me with some third party.

      • h.h.h.

        i got my master’s in masking #WhoGonStopMeHaaaaan

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Part of the job requirement

    • ED

      In the context of this post, no.

    • h.h.h.

      women don’t trust men.

      to take it a step further, most women fear men to a level that men cannot fathom…so to project -men not trusting women- as being some sort of grand solution to the miscommunication betwixt the sexes sounds…superfluous

      but Ich schlafe though.

  • mikster

    This article hits home as I just recently ended a friendship
    with a male friend that I shared EVERYTHING with. I can recall all 100 million
    times I’ve reacted to a situation on level 10,000 and it really was a 2. Now
    that he’s gone and I’m technically by
    myself when it comes to my emotions and “Feelings” I have managed to bring a
    bunch of situation from 100 back down to 0. My feelings are still valid and
    honestly when I need to vent I call my girlfriends but having that go to person
    made it so easy to “over react” I realize I put waaaay to much energy into
    things that aren’t important and I can totally see my spouse not trusting me so
    when its serious I can’t get the true reaction im looking for because IM ALWAYS
    on level 10.

    • Tx10inch

      I applaud you ma’am. At least you’re honest.

      • mikster

        Nothing like seeing yourself for the first time. Try having a situation happen and then the person you wanna tell it to be nowhere in sight? You are like…… oh well whats for dinner lol. Seriously I really want to test my new found insight on a dude…. I want to talk about what happened to me today but express it in a way that doesn’t make him think im tripping…. allow him to process it based on the way I gave it to him. If im on level 2, he might actually listen and have something decent to say lol.

    • Rachmo

      #turndownforwhat

      • Angel Baby

        lol smh I hate you so much for that right now! LOL

  • Jiovan

    These waters are quite hard for us to navigate. Emotional responses difficult for us to decipher gauge as we are predominantly logical. How do we trust these emotions at face value when in arguments we’ve ALL seen women go rogue and dive in to emotional defenses?

    http://500.co/backup/snapchat-2013-12-31-13-14-49.gif

    • Fairly or not, most people will assume that, ceteris parabis, women are more emotionally manipulative. It isn’t fair, but perception can be reality.

    • Meridian

      I’ve always been of the mind that if women are predominantly emotional and men are predominantly logical, a man should have enough emotional intelligence so that there can be effective communication. It’s like when you go out of the country. You need to have a basic grasp of the language if you want to interact with the locals and find your way around the city you’re in.

  • The thing about emotions and being emotional is that one gender thinks they have the appropriate measurement for it. Who are you again to tell me that my response involves too much feeling? I don’t respond well to hubris.

    • Lea Thrace

      Say This!

      And I am coming from the perspective of one who has been told that I cant be a woman because I am not inherently emotional. I am apparently a robot.

      Fuq out of here with that bs. My emotions are mine. And I shall wield them how I dang well please. Just because YOU feel I should be crying does not mean I feel that way!

      • Kim

        AMEN!!

      • bigriver00

        Right, because as an adult human, you aren’t expected to have any control over your emotions……right?

        Oh wait, you are definitely expected to have control over your emotions and not stupidly and selfishly cause distress in other people’s lives with your irrational venting.

    • it’s just about doing our best in understanding our mates/the opposite sex. If bae is yelling and crying cuz she just saw a giant flying thing with 20 legs on our house, its actually not bad that we have varying levels of logic and emotion. This why i slay the giaint winged beasts, and she does the Christmas cards and other married couple stuff that terrifies me.

  • Pinks

    Welp, I think this largely has to do with a privileged sect (males) not believing in the validity of claims of those who are not as privileged (females), or in other cases, whites and blacks respectively. Because we communicate and express things differently, our side is usually seen as overreacting or “being too emotional” when that’s usually just a case of how we’re naturally wired to be.

  • I trust Moneypenny and I trust her feelings but my issue is often that people get upset with me when I’m not as upset or whatever emotion is in play about the things they are talking about. So it’s a weird empathizing without expressing thing I have going on. What you can do is listen. Listen and interject as needed because sometimes your solution isn’t wanted or needed but as their husband you are their sounding board.

    On the reverse slope if I come home pissed about something I’m just ranting just to rant because at the end of the day an adult is going figure out how to handle their ish one way or another.

    *Sidenote I fact check everybody.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      people get upset with me when I’m not as upset or whatever emotion is in play about the things they are talking about.

      You Sir are the real MVP!!!

      • tgtaggie

        Pretty much my disposition. Somebody got to stay calm when ish hit the fan

        • miss t-lee

          It’s a good quality to have though.

        • If everyone loses their sh*t life turns into better written Shonda Rhimes show.

          • Meridian

            You don’t have to lose your sh*t in order to relate to someone’s emotions though. Or rather, just because you relate to someone’s emotions doesn’t mean you’re losing it.

        • Thinking personally and theoretically, is there only one way to be emotional?

          I know I’m an emotional person; I feel everything a little intensely. But I’m also an introvert and very rarely demonstrative. I don’t yell, I don’t throw things, and I hate to cry. When I am being emotional, I’m actually at my quietest. So when things hit the fan, I’m likely calm outwardly BECAUSE it’s making me emotional and I’m withdrawing.

          Does that count?.

          • Deeds

            I feel like you described me to a T.

          • Lea Thrace

            You and I maam. Makidada!

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