Featured, Theory & Essay

Meet Diane Stretton: Thug Nanny

Diane-StrettonYou see that jovial and inviting grandmotherly grin? Doesn’t she look pleasant, like someone who smells of Icy/Hot and ginger snaps? Doesn’t she look like a sweet person you would perhaps smile warmly at as she grandmotheringly cuts you a big chunk of Wal-Mart lemon pound cake and serves you hot chocolate down pon de fireplace?

Remember that face. That there is Diane Stretton. And if you haven’t heard, she is a professional scoundrel and shiftless nigga extraordinaire.

She is the Chris Brown of White women.

The Bracamonte family of Upland, California hired Diane the Super Thug (from Craigslist) as a live-in nanny for their three children and to help with light housework. According to Marcella Bracamonte, everything was all sunshine and mayonnaise for the first month. After a month, she stopped working and decided to stay in her room, citing health concerns, yet demanded that the family bring her meals and provide her with air conditioning.

She had colonized the Bracamonte household.

This went on for a month. Then, she was fired. And that is how you know the employers are not Black. As hard as we have to work for a nice-sized piece of the motherfuckin’ pie, ain’t no way a Negro family would allow a vagabondly White woman to attempt to squat in their home without swiftly catching a Crown Royal bag of Sacagawea dollar coins to the face in the middle of the night. Hell the fuck no.

“She quit working about a month before I ever fired her. She would just stay in her room,” said Marcella Bracamonte, non-African-Americanly.

And just like an extraordinarily shiftless shiftless nigga who initially wins you over with good dick and promises, Diane quickly mastered the art of telling you what she ain’t gonna do, while laying out her demands.

After the Bracamontes fired her and cut off her Internet, cable, and air conditioning, they discovered that they could not legally force her out without a proper eviction notice. She would then have 30 days to vacate.

Diane threatened to sue them if they tried to push her out. She called Marcella Bracamonte a drama queen in an interview. She demanded that the family leave the house daily between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., whether Diane is home or not, and that they provide her with a fully stocked bathroom and money for food.

Then, she informed her former employers that she may move out over 4th of July weekend, if it’s not too hot, and if the media leaves her alone.

“The media needs to be completely gone. If the media stays away, I will be out by the 4th of July. But that depends on the circus not continuing,” said Diane Stretton, super thuggingly.

As of Monday, July 8, Diane is still White privileging in the Bracamonte’s home, miraculously not yet set on fire, alive, with all of her teeth intact, to tell the tale of how she got over.

The Bracamontes tell the media that they have not spoken to her in weeks. But. She. Still. Lives. There.

Diane is ‘bout it, ‘bout it.

As herpes deserving as she may be, I hope to one day wake up with the same level of nerve possessed by both Diane and the young man who turned it out in that one-man New Way hand performance vogue battle at Nelson Mandela’s memorial. These two have Mariah-level nerve. And that’s a whole lot of nerve. Mucho.

People like Post-Menopausal Conquistadora Barbie are my worst nightmare. They are more upsetting than encountering a baggy magnum condom. More treacherous than green bean casserole at a Negroidian Thanksgiving dinner. She is a scandalous White woman who sues any and every person that poots in her direction and has made a living off of Ann Coulter-level trolling and Olympic-caliber victimization. Her history of judicial fuckshit has landed her a spot on California’s Vexatious Litigant List, which contains people known for bringing repetitive and frivolous lawsuits.

Reportedly, the Bracamontes incorrectly filed a three-day notice to get the fuck out, and it’s unsure when, or if, Diane has to leave. Diane Stretton must be decommissioned and disassembled at once. The show is over, say goodbye.

Alex Hardy

Alexander Hardy is the dance captain for Saint Damita Jo Jackson's Royal Army. He is a writer who escaped Hampton, Virginia and is now based in Panama City, Panama. There, he runs The Colored Boy, and consumes copious amounts of chicken. He has written for EBONY.com, CNN, Gawker, and Huffington Post among other outlets. Alexander can likely be found daydreaming about his next meal or Blacking It Up on someone's dance floor. He also doesn't believe in snow or Delaware. Read more from Alex at www.thecoloredboy.com

  • Nubia Ma’Belle

    #Thuglife

  • laddibugg

    One thing that’s omitted from this essay is that the family did not pay her a salary, which is actually illegal in many states, including California , even if you are providing room and board. You’re still supposed to pay at least minimum wage. She claims she’s is trying to recoup that.
    Also, she’s not actually suing them because she CAN’T sue anyone–she’s been flagged by the court as a ‘vexatious litigant’, and the court will not entertain any suits from her.
    Now, I think she’s batshit crazy and should leave. But she’s not 100% wrong, and the family that ’employed’ her isn’t right either.

    • Sylqué

      Interesting! In the back of my mind I figured there had to be more to the story. Something had to be up that when she left they didn’t just change the locks and wave at the window.

      But seriously, she’d be out on her keister. Why wouldn’t they just pay her what is owed, though?!

      • laddibugg

        I wonder if they didn’t know they actually had to pay her initially. Otherwise, they would have probably recruited a non citizen or someone not likely to know their rights and/or won’t say anything for fear of being deported. I wholeheartedly believe this woman knew EXACTLY what her rights were and played this family like a fiddle. Regardless, the law is the law.

      • kchere

        The agreement was that she would work in exchange for her room and board – no money (which is illegal). Maybe if they offered some money she’d leave.

        Regardless, after 30 days, they’re a tenant (regardless of whether they pay) and some folks are real bold and will fight you to get out. Been there. People are ridiculous.

        • Sylqué

          Thing are making way more sense now.

          • kchere

            The issue is not whether she can sue the family (it’s not like she’d get that much for a month of minimum wage…ijs). the issue is that they have to sue HER in order to get her out. and that takes a very long time. While tenants’s rights laws exist for a reasons, this is the stuff that should make people think twice before they have friends or family come stay with them. After 30days in most jurisdictions, you have to formally evict someone, even if they didn’t pay rent. (again – if the person is bold, they can sue you and you may have to pay expenses)

        • PunchDrunkLove

          I agree she should have been paid a salary…this is what folks get for wanting something for nothing…and then by way of Craig’s list (just ewww), but still and even so, you getting up outta my house. They both seem like bums to me….if this is the case

        • She Who Reads

          Is it illegal if she accepted the arrangement? Wouldn’t free rent and food be income?

          • laddibugg

            Yes, it’s still illegal. If there is a law in place that prohibits something, you can’t sign your rights away. California expressly prohibits employers from using room and board as the only payment.

    • Epsilonicus

      Good research!

    • me likey folks that read beyond what’s on the page and find the root cause. kudos!

  • iamnotakata

    This is definite and legit WPS (white people sh*t) I wish to God some crack pipe toothed having, obese white woman would come into my house under false pretense of being a nanny, then quit and think she has the right to demand sh*t…

    That is when I brandish a weapon and kick her a*s out. No way this would actually happen to me in real life. I’m mad that heffa had the nerve to threaten to sue, and demand money…Those right there are fighting words that could possibly lead to death….

    Bye ashy to Diane and the Barcomediocre whatever their last name is are foolish…

    • Wild Cougar

      nuh uh, she called her Barcomediocre….lol

    • PunchDrunkLove

      THIS….was my initial reaction.
      So cosign.

    • WPS is such a real concept. When I read about people getting mauled by pet tigers, sick from mayonnaise overconsumption, and busted for selling drugs at Ivy League schools, I know there is a White person involved.

  • I will find a way to call someone a professional scoundrel this week. So it was written….so it shall be.

    • cryssi

      The fake homeless people, politicians, all colleges and universities…

    • She Who Reads

      Ray Nagin? Sarah Palin? Those GWF (good white folks) in Detroit who are turning off folks’ water?

  • cryssi

    I heard of this crazy lady lol….my sister had a similar situation with her sister in law, well actually she still has that situation going on. Like she secretly moved into their house without their knowing. When everyone was asleep she was sneaking in through the garage and sleep in the basement slowly bringing her things with her. My brother in law is used to her crazy, but my sister is like this bhich needs to go. But she refuses to leave. Every time they think they rid themselves of her she comes back in less than 24 hrs.

    • Animate

      Locks are easily changed.

      • cryssi

        Told them that….but these folks think because they moved from Detroit to the suburbs doors don’t need to be locked lol. I swear they’re the black version of a scary movie waiting to happen.

  • Wild Cougar

    How do I thumbs up this post and the author? It was written in a very yummy tone of voice and I want to see more.

    • BreezyX2

      Yeah man, I love me some Alex. Hims has a way with words.

    • CrayolaGirl

      I don’t quite know what the favorite button does but I pushed it.

      • Wild Cougar

        Ooh, me too.

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Second piece I’ve read from you. I like your style.

  • mochazina

    “I hope to one day wake up with the same level of nerve possessed by both Diane and the young man who turned it out in that one-man New Way hand performance vogue battle at Nelson Mandela’s memorial.”

    *nods in agreement*

  • Tish Harris

    “Non African-Americanly” & “Super thuggingly” both make me proud to know you. Cheers…

  • Jacqueline

    “She quit working about a month before I ever fired her. She would just stay in her room,” said Marcella Bracamonte, non-African-Americanly.”

    This.killed.me!!! Alexander you are one heck of a writer!

  • Amber

    My problem with this whole issue that the news stations don’t seem to address is why in the hell did this couple hire a live-in nanny off of craigslist?! Did they check references, background…?

    • I read that they did a background check and she got some friends to pose as former employers. #scumbag

      • She Who Reads

        How does this woman have friends? She must be running a fake nanny ring in Cali.

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