Maybe You’re Single Because You’re Wack » VSB

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Maybe You’re Single Because You’re Wack

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Not long ago, my dudes and I were musing over the marital status of certain women with whom we attended college – specifically, those with successful careers who are also fine as hell. We wondered why, as far as we knew, they’d never been married or in a significant long-term relationship. Not that they should or need to be, but it’s generally a safe assumption that most of them would like to be.

A couple days later, a Facebook friend posted a Huffington Post article titled, “Men May Like the Idea of a Smart Woman, But They Don’t Want To Date One.” The article employed more non-sequiturs than a whole season of Family Guy to reach the conclusion that “Men who blow off intelligent women might just be protecting their fragile masculine egos.”

Right. Because single women everywhere are cradling a bottle of cheap Moscato in one hand and a Hitachi wand in the other, staring at their cat at the foot of the bed, thinking, “Curse my expansive intellect.”

You can expend loads of energy wondering why you’re single when you don’t want to be. But the answer might be dumb simple: Maybe you’re single because you’re wack.

 Something I’ve never seen: a 30-something, smart, successful and attractive (say, 7.5 and up) black woman who’s cool as hell, unburdened by crumbsnatchers and just can’t find a good man. Her options are vast – everyone from her black male equivalent on down to every other rooty-poo-ass nigga is interested in her. If she lives in a black professional enclave and can’t seem to make things click after years of dating, maybe it’s an issue of unbridled wackness.

So, what is wackness? It’s not any number of physical characteristics that can justifiably serve as deal-breakers. For examples, dudes who only crack 5-foot-5 wearing a pair of Timberlands and ladies who look like they’re mainlining King Dons will always exist in that “struggle” spectrum.

You can dress like a bag of shit and not be a wack person. You can have a lace front that looks like a colony of spiders playing euchre on top of Chewbacca’s head and not be a wack person. You can struggle with myriad addictions and have a bloodstream as toxic as a construction site outhouse, but it doesn’t necessarily make you a wack human being.

I believe wackness often lies at the intersection of one’s personality and requirements for a partner. When we’re young, we write out a list of things we want from our “ideal” partners – dumb shit like body part requirements and ungodly salary demands.

As we get older, most of us realize how risible that checklist really is. Not wack folks, though…they’re firmly convinced that they can’t “settle” for less than the very best, but the “s” word sandbags people who don’t realize that every single person in any marriage or long-term relationship settles to some degree.

In my experience, it’s the preternaturally gorgeous sistas who’ve been treated by everyone since puberty like Krugerrands fall from their taint that are on the hunt for that unicorn they believe Jesus sent to whisk them away in a white Bentley Mulsanne chariot. But even he likely has a secret porn habit or an incurable ball odor that she won’t find out about until it’s too late.

I heard a friend of a friend mention to a table of mixed company that a man should spend no less than $150 on her at dinner on a first date, because she’s worth it. A bangin’ young lady I once had designs on told me that she wouldn’t even consider dating a brother who’d ever been with a white woman. I’ll bet neither of them are even in spitting distance of a ring.

 Regarding personality: I once dated a sista who looked like new money on paper –  pretty, Ivy-league graduate, fellow writer aspiring to get a book published (and has since). But, despite being a couple years older, she had difficulty reconciling her inner freakiness with her preacher’s-daughter bona fides (we’re talking mid-coital tears of guilt, fam). Even worse, she tried to take a heavy hand in my career after just a couple weeks of dating, castigating me for my decisions despite not knowing my middle name.

She was looking for a potential husband nearly a decade ago. Unsurprisingly, she’s still single as fuck.

The brothas are most certainly not absolved of wackness. Lord knows I did some wack shit in my dating life that I’m not proud of – things I wouldn’t tell my wife about to this day because my manhood couldn’t support an “I actually married a fuckboy” glare. But the dating deck is stacked in favor of black men of my ilk to a degree that it ain’t even fair: I have a solid career, an advanced degree and good credit; I’m not completely hideous to look at and I was able to learn from my mistakes. I wasn’t gonna stay single forever.

I put an SOS out on the NiggaNet to find one educated, employed, halfway decent-looking black man who wants to be single but can’t find a nice, compatible woman and is staining his pillow with tears every night. I couldn’t find him in a car, I couldn’t find him in a bar; I couldn’t find him in a house, I couldn’t find him with a mouse; I couldn’t find this dude because he doesn’t exist, Sam I Am.

That’s why some of the wackest dudes on terra firma are married to some of the most spouse-worthy black women. In cities like Atlanta – home of the gorgeous black woman and the gay black man – the deck is so stacked in a straight, employed dude’s favor that he can look like Sam Cassell after a week in the SHU and still have to fight off hordes of ladies like the Bride did the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill Vol. I. It’s easy to put off looking for your wife when you can sire children well into your 50s and command barrelfuls of ass across a broad age range until then.

 Wack dudes are also expert at enlisting patriarchy – often under the guise of the church or whatever hotep bullshit Dr. Umar Johnson is spouting – to justify their need to “lead” their wives. Grow up, niggas: independent sistas with a high-five- or six-figure salary who are accustomed to bi-yearly vacations and those pricey-ass beauty products from Ulta aren’t likely to fall back and “submit” to your Steak ‘n Shake manager salary.

 The whole conversation of black American unions is pointless without examining the socio-political state of black Americans. Thanks to white supremacy, institutional racism and (somehow) Bishop Eddie Long, black women are consistently surpassing black men academically and career-wise. It runs deeper when you consider that black women might be the ethnic groups in America most likely to insist on marrying their ethnic male counterpart.

Sure, brothas have a tendency to be locked in arms with some of the most aiiiight-looking white chicks ever, but that’s still no excuse for the death glare from a sista when she sees it. The “they’re taking all of our men” attitude is a relic of the 1990s – I do believe that black men of all stripes (except professional sports players) are still, on average, mostly married to black women. Watching the daily news would indicate that miscegenation seems pretty far down on the list of things threatening the black family.

That said, it’s an incredibly wack, sell-out-ass move for black folks of either gender to write off dating their own. I take umbrage at the idea that black women are inherently recalcitrant or that black men are naturally shiftless and disloyal; the only valid reason I can come up with for a black person unwilling to date their own is that they hate what they see when they look in the mirror.

So, if you have a loved one you know is wack and might be forever destined to singlehood because of it, the onus is on you to deliver to them a “come to Jesus.” Because if anyone lacks the gift of introspection, it’s wack motherfuckers. Unfortunately, a lot of female friends spend too much time emotionally diddling each other’s clitorises to be real with each other about their wackiness, which doesn’t help matters.

Thankfully, I have the gift of a close circle of friends who, like me, are absolute assholes who have always informed me all the candor in the world where, when and how I fucked up. I wish for you a similar group of assholes for friends.

Dustin Seibert

Dustin J. Seibert lifts heavy weights and plays all his video games on hard mode to find peace. He has a better ear for hip-hop than anyone else you know. He writes like the English language is going outta style because the steaks in his freezer are dependent on it.

  • People who really want to date . . . date. That’s pretty much the beginning, middle, and end of it to me. Anyone who puts enough of a concerted effort to actually go out, talk to people, and exchange numbers will be able to date. Anything else is just some rational (valid or not) otherwise. I say this as someone who is shy and anxiety ridden, but I’m aware I could be out there in the dating world if I put forth the proper amount of effort for me.

    • menajeanmaehightower

      Agreed.

    • QuirlyGirly

      And this is the long and the short of it.

    • #Accurate

    • Asiyah

      Not really. Some of us are absolutely terrible at socializing.

      • I know. I’m one of those people.

      • Marcie

        Me too!

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Agreed. The middle ground is filled with personal issues but the moral of the story is always the same.

      Put forth what you want and you will receive in due time.

    • JamesInstagram

      This is the correct answer. As social scientist’s say, the elegant answer is usually the correct one.

    • Mochasister

      Just thinking about dating and putting up with all the nonsense makes me tired and anxious.

  • Ehh….*drags dead horse to the middle of the room and raises sledge hammer*

    @ Black women, we ain’t got no loyal d i c k to save us from the deepest, darkest, dungeons of singleness because:

    1. We don’t have the kind of s e x that every man we encounter wants to have.
    2. We want to get married when we want to, not when men want to
    3. We lack introspection and we spend far too much time coddling each others inherent wackness

    We’re failures at life. We should all just move to a remote combine in Guyana and drink the proverbial kool-aid to rid the world of our meaningless existence. I mean, what’s life for a black woman if she doesn’t have a man? Is she really even a black woman without one?

    Black With A Vagina And No Man by Ruby Woo Who will be on your shelves just in time for Christmas for the low price of $19.99! In it, you’ll discover how to make this world a better place since you’re too wack to pull a man.

    • Aly

      <3 You're the best.

      • Am I? I’m single though. I can’t be the best without a black d i c k shoved up my p u s s y or a s s every hour on the hour.

        No.

        i’m wack in the highest order of wack.

        • Jennifer

          You can’t trust Aly’s kind words, Ruby. She’s probably over there emotionally diddling your hotbox while blowing smoke up your butt.

          • Aly

            Ok y’all are for real cracking me up lol!

          • God. I just wake up every single day praying that God will remove my wackness and bless me with the man he’s crafted, especially for me. Aly is trying to keep me from eternally happiness and I, for one, don’t appreciate it.

    • Oluseyi

      You drove something home I hadn’t considered: in reading the piece, I didn’t perceive it as specifically aimed at black women, but now… yeah, no. That’s not cool.

      As an all-races, all-ethnicities bromide? I’m here for that. As a specific salvo at black women? Back to the drawing board, homie.

      • Anonymous

        Hence my post…even if some or all of his points are true, no self respecting black woman is going to be berated for being single by somebody who didn’t even marry a Black woman.

        He should have chosen another topic or broadened his subject because I know many non-black women who would benefit from some of these words.

        • Oluseyi

          Amen, sister. This is a thesis that works for society in aggregate, but as you delve into specific populations distortions appear that make it an increasingly bad fit.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I think you’re just looking at the word Black and jumping in like double dutch. Any woman of any race should take issue. It should not matter if he married Black or not because all women have universal issues.

          • I agree. I know plenty of black women who are married to black men who don’t deserve to be in relationships with a woman of any race.

          • Anonymous

            But the subject of this article was not all women.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              Stop playing games with semantics. The VSB community is mixed and if you replaced Black with White, Asian, Dominican, Puerto Rican, or Haitian women, you would find someone within this community would be offended. The mere fact he said Black shouldn’t be the catalyst to be pissed.

              • Oluseyi

                It’s not quite a play on semantics, though. Yes, the VSB community is mixed, but the very name indicates a specific racial/ethnic perspective (and, I know, we’re not all even male). Combine that perspective with the frequency of “black” as a qualifier in the article—which I missed the first time because, “s h i t, he ain’t talmbout me!”—and it is absolutely a valid criticism.

                • But how do we know that his wife isn’t black? It just simply states that she’s Puerto Rican.

                  • Anonymous

                    This is discussed below.

                  • Oluseyi

                    My point is not contingent on the racial identity or visual coding of his wife, but solely on the addressed target of his remarks. He could be bathing with talcum powder on ski slopes, for all I care; the problem is that his remarks overly single out my sisters and cousins for “analysis,” and I’m saying he ain’t got the data.

                    • Val

                      “…he ain’t got the data.”

                      That’s key because usually with these kind of attacks all they have are embellished anecdotal stories to tell but no actual numbers or, you know, facts.

                    • Oluseyi

                      Spread the gospel of data, sister!

                    • I get it but I’m all for engaging ish like this when it only involves us though.. Black folks (I include all of us) are hurting and this dialogue NEEDS to be had…. Statistically black folks stay with one another but there is a LOUD minority who think this way and we need to find out the disconnect. I don’t care about the accountability of other folks.. They are who they are and they do what they do… WE need to be accountable to each other…and without these types making comments like this.. it won’t ever be fully addressed. You get me?

                      For me, once you go outside of us… your opinion no longer matters. However, if you’re still rocking with your own and you feel this way… we gotta address that mess.

                    • Oluseyi

                      I hear you. I don’t even invalidate opinions just because you found love in a hopeless, lighter place; I just require that your hypothesis and prescriptions toward us be fair. That’s all.

                    • It’s not that the opinions are invalid to me.. I don’t care about them.. Might be wrong but it is what is.

                    • Oluseyi

                      You can only do what you can do. Like you said, it is what it is.

                    • Guest

                      The idea that black woman are just looking in corners and in ditches and under beds for men…..it’s such a disgusting stereotype. Men are everywhere. We will date and marry depending on our mood. Sometimes we just don’t feel like it just like any other race or gender and that’s okay.

                    • Oluseyi

                      Amen.

              • Anonymous

                I’m not p-ssed. I’m staying the obvious. I came pretty close to marrying a white dude. And if I had, my days of berating Black men for the poor choices some of them make that impact Black love and families would have ended. Because social sense.

                • Guest

                  Girl they were intentionally missing your point.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  What does who someone marries have to do with having an opinion on being Black, and what Black people do?

                  Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s a poor cop out every time, and I’m sick of people using that as some delegation to define when people lose their Black card.

                  Yes, this is a Black site. Yes the author was talking about brothers and sisters. But quit being salty for a minute, re-read the words and recognize NONE OF THE CRITICISM was solely for Black people. In all honesty, the whole post is about dating in general. But he’s black, on a black site, so guess who his frame reference is? BLACK PEOPLE. HOLY S H I T, I can’t believe it!!!!!!!

                  That does not change for a second, that this whole topic can be relateable for all races. So sincerely, I’m gonna need you to stop the shenanigans. I don’t even know you, but I know you’re better than this weak a$$ argument.

                  • Anonymous

                    Boy, bye.

                  • Asiyah

                    I would have agreed if he hadn’t gone into this tangent:

                    “Sure, brothas have a tendency to be locked in arms with some of the most
                    aiiiight-looking white chicks ever, but that’s still no excuse for the
                    death glare from a sista when she sees it. The “they’re taking all of
                    our men” attitude is a relic of the 1990s – I do believe that black men
                    of all stripes (except professional sports players) are still, on
                    average, mostly married to black women. Watching the daily news would
                    indicate that miscegenation seems pretty far down on the list of things
                    threatening the black family.”

                    This had the potential to be a great essay if there weren’t so many things wrong with it LOL

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      I see your point, but real talk, other women of other races are not a threat to Black women. They aren’t. The kind of men that Black women need in their lives…these men so easily swayed by non-Black women either because of self-hate or stupid logic…it isn’t these men. Not at all.

                      They need men who know how to value women, not body parts or skin color. They need men who value having a teammate, not a cheerleader. They need men who can see a person, and not a tool.

                    • Asiyah

                      We’re on the same page in this respect.

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Trust me love, we see eye to eye on many things, we just tend to talk in a different language at times without realizing it.

                    • Suppressive Tomato

                      Did this dude really just call her “love”? Where’s Ruby Woo Who?

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      What’s wrong with saying that?

                    • True

                      You can always tell “those types”. Just like the writer, Rewindington ALSO tried to tell black women who/what/when/how/why in regards to the type of black men they (as a monolith?) should be looking for. He also called another commentor “salty” which is another way of calling her a bitter, angry black woman. So it comes to no surprise that he would patronizingly refer to a woman as “love” and not see an issue.

                    • This had the potential to be a great essay if there weren’t so many things wrong with it

                      Yo!!!!! This.

                    • Asiyah

                      I was expecting something like what NC-17/BGAE would write. I don’t like to compare people at all but that’s what I was expecting. Something with a controversial title that ends up being something insightful. I was expecting this essay to be about how some people overestimate their good qualities and expect their bad qualities to be automatically forgiven; how some people put down others for not living to their unrealistic expectations that they themselves don’t live up to; that with these arrogant types, they’re failing to see that maybe they’re single and it has nothing to do with worth rather they’re in their own way because they lack self-awareness and don’t take any time to engage in some real, honest self-reflection and introspection. And finally, as NC-17 said in one of his posts, sometimes, you’re just single because that’s life. Nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with other people, it’s just how it is. And you can come to that conclusion by, you guessed it, REAL, HONEST SELF-REFLECTION AND INTROSPECTION, which I was hoping was going to be the author’s point.

                    • SiennaS

                      Exactly my thoughts too, you put them better than I could.

                    • Janelle Doe

                      You summarized a great article. Hope you consider writing it in greater detail. I’d rather read that.

                    • Asiyah

                      Oh my thank you! I do write but I don’t know if I’m interesting enough to get clicks :/

                      maybe I’ll build up the courage one day.

        • Asiyah

          shoot, I’m not Black and I see your point even with my poor eyesight.

        • Wild Cougar

          Wait……. *deletes positive comment*

        • I’m here for this commentary under the pretext that the author’s wife isn’t black…. We don’t if she is or not.

        • Anon

          Hispanic is not a race, though. It simply means that you have a historical link to Spain through colonization. More slaves were imported to Latin and South America than the U.S.(only imported about 4%).

          “I am not Spanish. Spanish is just another language I speak. I am not a Hispanic. My ancestors are not descendants of Spain, but descendants of Africa. I define my existence by race and land. (Borinken is the indigenous name of the island of Puerto Rico.)”

          http://rosaclemente.net/who-is-black/

          • Anonymous

            Um…I never said that his wife wasn’t black BECAUSE she is Puerto Rican. She just isn’t a black Puerto Rican. His wife isn’t recognizable as black.

        • Question

          Deleted.

    • QuirlyGirly

      Do I detect * sniff *sniff- sarcasm!

      Are you taking advanced orders?

      • It’s always a good day for a drag and a read.

        • QuirlyGirly

          And I see you are armed and ready.

          • I’m ready for him to reply to my comment so he can teach me how to rid myself of wackness. Why did I even go to college? That was my first mistake. I had no business being there. None.

            If I could only touch the hem of his pants so that I may but receive an ounce of wisdom in how to no longer be a single black woman. I fear it is too late for me.

            • Furious Styles

              So if I hear you correctly, that whole “cottage industry of blogging to black women who want to be choze era” ship has sailed…and ain’t coming back.

            • Coqui Negra

              I need to buy you a drink!

    • Pinks

      This idea that single = actively looking and longing bothers me.

      • Black women are always looking for black paynus. We don’t serve any other purpose in life! How dare you even imply that our lives are remotely complete without a man! A BLACK MAN!

        Nay, we are always actively looking for a black man to pay our bills, raise our illegitimate children, feed us, fuck us like no other man can, father us, brother us, teach us how to be black women.

        • cakes_and_pies

          But you’re a Queen raised to bathe in greatness of your future King. Tuh

          • Sadly, I cannot be a Kween without a King. I am trash. I am nothing.

            *lays prostrate on the ground and covers myself in ashes*

            • Pinks

              *does Hotep Kappa shimmy over Ruby on the way to the promised land*

              • TRAITOR!!

              • DCbornGAbred

                isn’t a Hotep Kappa an Iota?

          • Carlisias

            Every damn time I hear a Black person say anything about a King or a Queen my eyes roll to the back of my head. That mess is the oldest entry in the book “Tired Sh*t Black People Say to Sound Profound and Woke”. Don’t even get me started on the Black women declaring they need to be submissive to their men. Submissive doesn’t mean be a doormat and accept bullsh*t! I’m sorry for the rant. Lol

            • cakes_and_pies

              Gurlll….I stay away from men professing all that “Kings and Queens” bs. They don’t like condoms and have terrible attitudes toward women.

              • Carlisias

                Lmao! You’re right.

            • Desmond Eftienne

              Dear Author: Please let me know when the first edition of “Tired Sh*t Black People Say to Sound Profound and Woke” is available on Amazon. I need to buy fifty copies to hand out at the next family reunion (lol).

              • Carlisias

                Will do. Lol

        • Girllll, you are on a roll!

        • Andre Faulkner

          I’m here for Ruby……….

      • QuirlyGirly

        You bring up a good point.

        I am single but I vacillate between wanting to date and not giving a d a m n. But when I am looking it is a lazy look ie he is nice but I don’t have the energy to approach.

        • Lea Thrace

          Yeah. This is me. Most of the time I am doing me and dont give a thought to dating. Then once every quarter or so I have a thought that I should be actively looking for a relationship. Then about three days later I forget all about it and go back to doing me. #shruglife

          • QuirlyGirly

            Stop detailing my life. I don’t know if it is because I am settled in being alone or if it is because I don’t understand these new fangled dating rules and I opt out.

            • Lea Thrace

              Either way, I aim to be mostly happy and that’s what matters to me. I can be happy alone and be happy in a relationship…

              • Can you really be happy without a black man Lea? How? How will you know how to be happy without someone telling you how to do so?

                • Lea Thrace

                  Hahahaha.

              • Bruce Wayne

                Precisely!

            • tgtaggie

              I think it’s probably an combination of the two for me. At this point I’m pretty content with being single. But the way this market is now, it’s not even worth it for a dude like me (who wouldn’t mind being married in the next 1-2yrs) to even look. In my experience, all it caused was a bunch of stress, bs and unnecessary aggravation. I rather just wait for the girl to fall out of the sky. Lol

              • cancergirl08

                “I rather just wait for the girl to fall out of the sky.”

                Pulls up chair and waits for my guy to fall out the sky.

                • Mika

                  *sits down next to everybody*.

                • mzpw2015

                  Scoot over, please. I’m still waiting for my Mr to fall as well and I don’t want him to be all scraped up from the fall.

              • this is how i feel

        • Pinks

          I have a friend who is very happy being single but just wants someone to cuddle with at night. She’s fine with dating and not getting into anything serious, but she admits she just needs body heat. Ninjas can’t deal with that because she’s got her own spot, car, banging job, and they don’t want to feel like the piece of D. She’s wack for being single?

          • Lea Thrace

            Stop talking about me!

          • QuirlyGirly

            In my book – Not at all. She doing the d a m n thing but I am a wack woman so what do I know

            • Pinks

              I wouldn’t mind having some of her characteristics. Others, not so much, but I can’t say that’s why she’s not married and I am. I happened to find the dude willing to put up with me and I with him.

              • MSNY

                Exactly, u got issues, i got issues, can our issues be friends….that’s it

          • Dis me!

          • Oluseyi

            The way my money and life set up right now… I would have no problem with this. For about 2, 3 years.

            • Pinks

              I think your last point – the 2 to 3 years part – is where a lot of men perceive this wackness to be. like y’all not reaaaaaaalllyyyy OK with being single. Y’all will do it for a while because you have to, but deep down they think we all have an ultimate goal of hitching up.

              • Oluseyi

                No, I’m saying I think that, ultimately, I want to be someone’s husband. It’s fine if it isn’t hers.

                • Pinks

                  I got what you were saying. My point is that some men think women can’t feel like that – they think we want to be every man’s wife, not just the right man’s wife.

                  • Oluseyi

                    Ah, gotcha. Yeah, I’d concur, then.

                  • ksmall

                    Yes yes yes girl! So many women see a ring on their finger as validation that they are better than the next woman who doesn’t. And will do anything to get there even if it means marrying a dude who is clearly not good for them. I know a girl who, when she got engaged, posted her status as “I’m officially moving from ms. to mrs.” Huh? Cuz that’s all that’s important right. Lol. And now she’s miserable with said husband cuz like you said, too focused on being a man’s wife instead of the right man’s wife.

                    • Pinks

                      To some, marriage is a status symbol, a reason to say you’re “worthy.” To others, it’s as simple as “Hey, I like you. I love you. You make me happy. I make you happy. Let’s make each other happy all the time.”

                    • ksmall

                      and it really should be the latter not the former given that you’re talking about committing your life to someone. because in reality, as several have said earlier, some of the whackest of the whack are married to somebody lol. it shouldn’t validate you any more than learning to ride a bike. i have several friends dying to get married and they see it as this mystical thing that will greatly improve their lives somehow. just because. those of us who have been married know that to be untrue, especially when incompatibility is in play. and a good portion of those single friends dying to get married fall right into what the article is talking about but they can’t see it. i’m one of the azzhole friends that will tell you about yourself and not even sugarcoat lol. they’re not hearing me tho, and thus are still staining the pillow at night with their own tears. sad….

                    • Pinks

                      I’m one of 2 married women in my group of 6 female friends. While the rest of us have expressed that they’d like to be married someday, none of them are actively out here #trynagetchose because they’ve got stuff going on that’s keeping them hecka occupied.

                      My husband is only the second man I’ve been in an actual relationship with, which to some people thought I was settling – couldn’t be farther from the truth. Not everyone has to go through hellfire and brimstone to find “the one.” Sometimes you’re fortunate enough that all the pieces fit together sooner than later.

                    • EXACTLY, SIS!!!!

                      I love to see black folks happy and in love!!! <3

                    • tgtaggie

                      The latter are the ones that usually stay married.

                    • Furious Styles

                      “And will do anything to get there even if it means marrying a dude who is clearly not good for them. I know a girl who, when she got engaged, posted her status as “I’m officially moving from ms. to mrs.” Huh? Cuz that’s all that’s important right. Lol. And now she’s miserable with said husband cuz like you said, too focused on being a man’s wife instead of the right man’s wife.”

                      Yeah. That ish is wack….AND normal behavior in this culture.

                    • ksmall

                      the fact that it’s normal and common in today’s world is the super sad part. and even more sad that the next step in her need for validation as a woman is to have a baby. she’s workin on it and doesn’t realize that when it’s just a bad marriage you can get a divorce. u can’t unmix DNA lol. it’s not like she doesn’t know what kind of father he is either because he has a kid from a previous relationship that she constantly complains about his handling. but she’s gonna have a kid by him anyway because the prospect of getting old before she can have children is scarier than having a child by someone who is an idiot and a bad father to the child he already has. the most backwards thinking ever, and this is a woman in her 40’s. smh.

                    • Mochasister

                      Wow, just wow. Why bring an innocent child into this mess?!

                    • ksmall

                      girl folks be so pressed to have what they think is “the life” and don’t realize it’s still gon be a mess baby or not. some women have it in their heads that a husband and some kids with a nice house in the burbs makes life better. truth be told if it’s not the right guy then it’s exactly what you said – bringing an innocent child into a mess. we been tryin to tell her but she has tunnel vision and wants what she wants and isn’t hearing anything on it that’s not in line with what she thinks she wants. she thinks it’s now or never cuz she’s 42 and getting too old to have kids. smh.

          • I mean it is cold at night so I can understand that…

          • Sigma_Since 93

            This can’t be real….sounds like she’s Mary Jane.

            • Pinks

              LOL very real, indeed. This isn’t to say she’s perfect by any means, but for all of the “wifey qualities” that appear on the fcukboy list of requirements, she hits all points, which to some folks means she should’ve been at the altar a long time ago.

              • Love this sooooooo MUCH!!!

          • Yep…. It messes with a man’s ego to say.. you’re just a peeenis. Get gone! According to men anyway.. she HAS to need him for something…

            • Pinks

              That’s what’s wrong with us wimmenz these days – we don’t know our place!!

              • We need to be delivert!!!

                • sasha

                  This whole comment thread has me in tears. THANKS guys

              • Coqui Negra

                Thank Gawd for these comments because I *was* feeling stabby.
                Now I’m just laughing

                • Pinks

                  You just had to make it to the other side, beloved.

            • SororSalsa

              No man wants to feel like Eddie Murphy in Boomerang when Robin Givens left the money on the nightstand. Leaves them whimpering in their vulnerability…..”Call me???”

              • haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! You right!

              • Mochasister

                Lol! That scene was too funny! He fooled and caught feelings for her and oleda girl wasn’t having it.

          • Diva

            Nah, she ain’t wack. But the author of this piece might be. Lol. I have many of the attributes he mentions in the article, but what it’s all boiled down to in the past are men who aren’t mature enough, emotionally available, or who want to play games. Men don’t like it when women want to use them as they traditionally feel entitled to use US. At any rate, I doubt most women are single because they’re wack. I’m in a relationship (that requires proactive attention and work) now–but because I WANT to be, not because I feel I need to live up to any of society’s fucktastic standards.

            • Shaniqua Lynn Farrior

              And for the record he married a Puerto Rican woman because I guess black women are TOO Wack for him and his asshole friends.

          • DNA

            That sounds dope to me.

        • ChellZ

          Me too

        • Charles Johnson

          THIS.

    • Lea Thrace

      Now see I didnt read it as a missive aimed at black women but at young 30 something black people in general. Viewed from that perspective, I can see some of his points being valid (in some scenarios). However, if intended as a generalization of black women, I going to have to hop of his bandwagon and sharpen my dragging fingers.

      • Aly

        I don’t know. He dedicated a few sentences to men. But mostly it seemed to be about women.

      • I know a post aimed to tell black women that they’re not s h i t when I see it. Don’t let the faux verbosity of the piece have you thinking otherwise. Anyone can hope onto Thesaurus.Com and find synonyms to pontificate on.

        Child bye.

        I don’t have time for these kind of men spreading poison under the guise of “Let me help black women figure out how to help themselves”. It’s condescending and insulting at best.

        • LMNOP

          Case in point: O

          He sure used a lot of big words.

      • Dustin John Seibert

        Definitely not a missive aimed at all black women. Your first mind is the right one.

        • Aly

          Sir… stop. You’re writing for a black blog and the majority of the article was aimed at women. At least own what you wrote.

          • It did feel like the stuff about men were tacked on so as to *appear* not being solely about women (black or otherwise).

            • Aly

              Yes. Exactly this. He wanted to have the appearance of being unbiased.

            • Wild Cougar

              Yup Yup.

            • Asiyah

              and when he spoke about wack men he pretty much spoke about the non-wack women who settled for them.

            • MsSula

              *nods head*

        • Lea Thrace

          If that’s the case, then maybe some clarification on your part is called for. Cause this is clearly about to spiral as your message is not hitting as intended…

      • Wild Cougar

        see, now I can’t make up my mind.

        • Lea Thrace

          I know what you mean. So I am stepping out of it. I am going to hang back and lookout for funny gifs and shoot your shot comments. It’s friday before I go on a much needed extended vacation. I’m not trying to get worked up.

    • kryss

      lol thanks for this

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      lmaooooooooooooooo

      Yo I will hump your leg for this nonsense today

      • Oh Black King! What an honor! To have your paynus on my disgusting female appendages!!!

        PRAISE BE TO GOD THAT A BLACK MAN WANTS TO TOUCH ME! ME!!!!

        • Reemo

          Bruh how many times have you typed paynus today!? LOL

          • Not nearly enough for the Black Kings of VSB. I am a disgrace.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          lmaooooooooooooooooooo oh my god

    • ggg

      I hear you RubyWooWho! This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.

    • Gibbous

      I don’t generally watch Shondaland or Oprah, but both just admitted that they want everything but a man around the house! I have felt that way for a while and just a couple of years ago admitted that I didn’t want to look because I wasn’t interested in finding. I love being an auntie and being single.

      http://www.people.com/article/shonda-rhimes-gets-real-with-oprah-about-marriage

    • Angela ANgel

      I’m going to need 2 copies of that book and the digital download please. Maybe you could call it the Black Hole…

    • Starr

      On one hand, I recognize this dead horse, as you rightfully refer to it, as nothing more than click bait. On the other hand, this sends damaging messages to anyone who takes it to heart. It says to the woman that something is perpetually wrong with her if she’s single (not true), that being wack keeps her out of relationships (it doesn’t), that being perfect will keep her in a relationship (it doesn’t), among other lies being perpetuated, which is “Why I Stopped Reading Nearly Everything Written For Singles” and just started writing my own d@mn singles articles! LOL!

      http://www.thetendedgarden.com/read-blog/2015/3/1/why-i-stopped-reading-nearly-everything-written-for-singles

      Sometimes you’re single because it’s not your time in life to be anything else. And that’s not coddling. That’s truth.

  • kryss

    I mean I feel you on some of these points I guess… but it was a bit diva dudeish no?

    • Oluseyi

      Low key, it seems to be his MO. I mean, that piece about “this generation’s” R&B being a$s? Dude too young to be that old.

      • Wild Cougar

        Look like he gonna run out of material soon cuz this shtick is tired.

  • I’m happily married. I wonder if I was ever wack though. I hope not.

    • Pinks

      I know I was for dang sure wack, and that’s why I’m wondering how in the heck I lucked up. Must’ve been those Steve Harvey books I read.

      • I got over my wackness by visiting a root doctor in Yemassee, SC who hung out in an RV next to I-95. I’m a winner now though.

        • Dustin John Seibert

          Ha!

        • tgtaggie

          Yo, shoot me his contact info. I’ll hit him up. I’m sure it
          L get rid if my wackiness

      • Sigma_Since 93

        I’m Sigma_Since93 and I was considered whack before I got chose.

        • I’m chose and I’m still wack. I’m the 36th chamber of wack.

    • cakes_and_pies

      You can be wack and married because wack is subjective.
      I can be called wack because listen to Chopin.

  • ChiefbutnotA_Keef

    Whoa.. did i fall into some kind of vsb time warp? What year is it? I thought we stopped this about this…

    • 2010 was pretty decent year though. The Jets made it to the AFC Championship.

    • I suppose that we shouldn’t stop talking about this issue until we find a resolution.

      • Aly

        A resolution to what exactly?

      • The resolution is for black women to service you! What is it you desire @disqus_FKNwxHRHyG:disqus? How can I make you happy? I can only gain knowledge of self through you. Time is passing me by!!! HURRY PLEASEEEEEE

        • No, no, no. I do for self. It actually annoys my wife at times but that’s just how I roll. There is a cold war being waged between semi-affluent Black folks. Why?

          • How should I know my Black King? I am but a black woman. How would I know?

            • You’re pretty sharp. Throw some ideas out there. Also, I’m nobody’s king unless we’re playing Halo.

              • But my Black King, black women don’t have ideas! We’re empty vessels waiting to be filled with c u m and your infinite knowledge!

                • Trust me, those things never came at the same time. Like maybe not the same day.

                  • How wise you are Black King. Oh so wise! How lucky the world is to have you at the helm to guide us wayward black dog women!!! PRAISE!!!

                    • I mean you’re half right… Now stop trolling us, Ruby!

                    • But Black King, how could I be right? I am but a black woman!!!

                    • But you said I was awesome though :(

                    • I apologize Black King, how would you prefer I address you?

                    • I always wanted to be the Grand Puba of something. I don’t have the hat for it, though.

                    • Lea Thrace

                      Too late. Her trolling game is at master level. I dont think anything can stop her.

                      Plus I am thoroughly entertained cause I aint ish.

                    • Thanks….

                    • outlyer06

                      pretty please?!…that shish is getting annoying and counter productive….

                    • The only thing that is counter productive is the black woman. She is what is bringing the black man and, by proxy, the black family to ruin.

                    • That was pretty funny.

                    • I. Am. Stating. Facts!

                    • outlyer06

                      true…

          • Wild Cougar

            Simple. Career women don’t have to put up with bullshiz cuz we can pay the rent and the car note on our own.

            • That’s cool and all but I thank the lord that I have a wife that’s really to put something on it. Two heads (and incomes) are better than one. Sure, we can survive apart but together, we can actually afford that Xbox I bought.

              • Wild Cougar

                True, true. Two incomes is better than one. But if one income is being brought in by a fcukboy, you start to evaluate whether the extra paycheck is worth the headache, namean?

              • LOL this sounds like a direct quote from my husband!

      • Resolution for what though? This isn’t Japan where no one is getting married or having children and over have the population is like 65.

        • Something ain’t right. Everybody knows it.

          • Right in comparison to what?

            • Hoodrat dating, maybe? Project folks find company easier, it feels like. I don’t really have the data on that.

              • Wild Cougar

                There isn’t a problem. Most people get married at some point. Some people do it after they go to college and start careers. Others don’t.

      • -h.h.h.-

        nah, we should. starting 1/1/16. let folks figure it out for themselves.

        • The first step in fixing a problem is acknowledging it. Or so I’ve heard…

    • Asiyah

      we’re doing a retro thing today. #flashbackfriday

    • CAsweetface

      Rigggghhhttt…

    • MsSula

      WORD.LIFE!!! I was like, really?? Are we back there? And in such bad taste no less? C’mon son!

  • Agatha Guilluame

    I feel today is going to be a firestorm.

    *sits and reads*

    • Lea Thrace

      I feel like your diabolical hands had something to do with this…

      • Agatha Guilluame

        NOPE.

      • Agie’s here for the people. This post, though? Well, I’mma sit and read, too. Oh, and upvote, upvote, upvote.

    • You must be wack Agatha. Only a wack black woman wouldn’t agree with this Black King. His words were handed down from God himself on a tablet of the finest marble to lead us wayward black women who lack black paynus.

      We aren’t worthy!

      • Agatha Guilluame

        I must be girl. Wack as the day is long. Wack and unchosen and unwanted. Discarded and disgraced.

        • QuirlyGirly

          If you wack and you know it clap ya hands

          *clap clap

          • *clap clap*

          • Mochasister

            *Clap clap*

          • Coqui Negra

            CLAP CLAP CLAP

        • Hush.

        • Luckily for us, we have this author to remind us that as black women, we will never be anything without them. I’m so happy to know that one day, maybe I will be worth something to some black man if he’d have me.

          • Jennifer

            Even a wack dude might share his infinite light with you one day. Cross your fingers and practice your kegals, girl!

            • :-D!!!

              I can only pray that God blesses me in such a way!!

            • Asiyah

              exactly! as I said above, a relationship is a synergy of wackness. I hope to find that special wack guy so we can have a wack life together (until I divorce him for somebody better).

        • Asiyah

          WACK WOMEN OF COLOR, UNITE!

      • Mochasister

        Tee hee! You wrote black paynus again!

      • Erica Nicole Griffin

        Ruby you’se a fool. And I am here for you (I must be because we will never have anyone else).

  • menajeanmaehightower

    You know how some people with degrees tend to think their special, I feel this way with some people who are married.

    • Anonymous

      Guuuuurrrrrllll.

    • Jennifer

      You aren’t the only one.

    • You’re right, Mena. I’ve realize the trick is making it work not just getting there.

      *goes back to the top of the hill to watch the carnage.*

      • menajeanmaehightower

        Like you don’t win a prize and it doesn’t make you an expert. Maybe, just maybe, you found someone who you don’t mind journeying through life with. And in all seriousness, it’s called luck. Finding someone who you really want to be with is simply luck of the draw. It takes time, effort, purpose, and all of that but none of those things would have happened without luck — being in the right place at the right time with the right reaction.

        • Just like anything else that’s worth having or doing.

          • menajeanmaehightower

            Yes. How are things in SC?

            • Not bad, They are still cleaning up after the floods but otherwise things seem to be rather normal or our approximation of normal for now. It’ been an all-around sh*tty year. I’m happy we’ll have good weather for Thanksgiving though.

        • It sure is…. many people settle and front.

        • LMNOP

          Honestly, I feel like being single is in a lot of ways harder than being married, so maybe single people are the real experts on life.

          • Guest

            No it’s not. Being at the mercy of someone else’s moods, situation, and schedule seems miserable. Focusing on just yourself is easy.

            • LMNOP

              Sure, there are some ways being married might be harder than being single, but what I said was in a lot of ways being single is harder. Those ways include:
              -Financial
              -The logistics of childcare
              -Moving
              -Chex
              -loneliness/ boredom

              I would agree that being single does decrease your risk of being a victim of domestic violence though, which is definitely a good thing.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Yup

        • jimmyjam2132

          I don’t feel like it’s all luck, though. I chose to marry the man I did, and he chose me. We choose to continue to promise each other the best we have of each other. Sometimes it’s a harder choice than others, but still a choice.

          • menajeanmaehightower

            It isn’t all but it plays a big role.

    • IsitFridayyet?

      All of this truth you speak.

    • Lies. Married black men are the epitome of greatness! They are well versed in all things! They hold unlimited knowledge for us to tap into! Black women are just lost dogs looking for a master to lead us towards greatness.

      • fxd8424

        Lol. Lead us to the promised land.

      • shotta

        I’ve been a VSB lurker for years, but I haaaad to dive in just to thank you for the commentary this lovely Friday afternoon. My soul was weary, and you strengthened me.

      • dallas

        Wow really. There is some self hate going on here or are you just being sarcastic! What gives chica?

    • Asiyah

      for real, like there aren’t total idiots with college degrees out there. same thing with married folks. lots of wack people are married.

      • jess-s

        and thank goodness they are off the market!

        • Asiyah

          hey now! I’ll drink some halal chardonnay (aka grape juice) to that!

      • GHETOSPYDR

        If they are making their mates happy….then where are they wack?

        • Asiyah

          happiness and wackness are not mutually exclusive. plenty of people are happy with mediocrity.

          • mediocrity to you but just what the doctor ordered for them, all they need and that’s what counts!

            • Asiyah

              that’s my point actually. you find a person who is just as wack as you and you make it work.

              • that’s right ain’t nothing wrong with that cause that’s the way it’s suppose to be!

      • Neka W.

        This is a perfect plug for VSBs book “Your degree won’t keep you warm at night”. You’re welcome.

    • TeeChantel

      Girl! This truth right here.

    • Cleojonz

      As Bridget Jones called them “Smug Marrieds”

      • Mochasister

        Some of them can be rather smug, can’t they?

      • LivingEuphemism

        One of my coworkers is a smug married-Uses “my husband” and/or “I’m married”every chance she gets. I’m convinced she spends her off-hours fitting the word into various sentences like Tetris. Yet, I’m happy for her. She probably thought she was wack and would never get chose. How wrong she was!

        • Cleojonz

          Hopefully she is not being judgy with it. The smug marrieds that talk ish about your life but what they have in terms of marriage nobody would want, those are the smug married that get on my nerves. Sure you have a husband but he cheats on you constantly so why should anybody take advice from you, you know?

  • Freebird

    Oh sh it.
    I feel like….
    Im not saying a damn thing on this one except know your audience….and happy Friday!

  • fxd8424

    “the only valid reason I can come up with for a black person unwilling to date their own is that they hate what they see when they look in the mirror.”
    There are some black people who grow up in a totally white environment, (neighborhood, schools) and are never exposed to other blacks. They date the whites they’re exposed and attracted to.

    • Guest

      So because I look like one of the New Power Generation I have to date Nicky Free’s and D’ebarges? That’s not fair.

  • DCbornGAbred

    Meh… I feel like if this were written on any other blog, Damon would come out with a post tomorrow about how this article is flaw but ok…

    • Miche

      Lol.. agreed 100%

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