Maybe You’re Single Because You’re Wack » VSB

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Maybe You’re Single Because You’re Wack

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Not long ago, my dudes and I were musing over the marital status of certain women with whom we attended college – specifically, those with successful careers who are also fine as hell. We wondered why, as far as we knew, they’d never been married or in a significant long-term relationship. Not that they should or need to be, but it’s generally a safe assumption that most of them would like to be.

A couple days later, a Facebook friend posted a Huffington Post article titled, “Men May Like the Idea of a Smart Woman, But They Don’t Want To Date One.” The article employed more non-sequiturs than a whole season of Family Guy to reach the conclusion that “Men who blow off intelligent women might just be protecting their fragile masculine egos.”

Right. Because single women everywhere are cradling a bottle of cheap Moscato in one hand and a Hitachi wand in the other, staring at their cat at the foot of the bed, thinking, “Curse my expansive intellect.”

You can expend loads of energy wondering why you’re single when you don’t want to be. But the answer might be dumb simple: Maybe you’re single because you’re wack.

 Something I’ve never seen: a 30-something, smart, successful and attractive (say, 7.5 and up) black woman who’s cool as hell, unburdened by crumbsnatchers and just can’t find a good man. Her options are vast – everyone from her black male equivalent on down to every other rooty-poo-ass nigga is interested in her. If she lives in a black professional enclave and can’t seem to make things click after years of dating, maybe it’s an issue of unbridled wackness.

So, what is wackness? It’s not any number of physical characteristics that can justifiably serve as deal-breakers. For examples, dudes who only crack 5-foot-5 wearing a pair of Timberlands and ladies who look like they’re mainlining King Dons will always exist in that “struggle” spectrum.

You can dress like a bag of shit and not be a wack person. You can have a lace front that looks like a colony of spiders playing euchre on top of Chewbacca’s head and not be a wack person. You can struggle with myriad addictions and have a bloodstream as toxic as a construction site outhouse, but it doesn’t necessarily make you a wack human being.

I believe wackness often lies at the intersection of one’s personality and requirements for a partner. When we’re young, we write out a list of things we want from our “ideal” partners – dumb shit like body part requirements and ungodly salary demands.

As we get older, most of us realize how risible that checklist really is. Not wack folks, though…they’re firmly convinced that they can’t “settle” for less than the very best, but the “s” word sandbags people who don’t realize that every single person in any marriage or long-term relationship settles to some degree.

In my experience, it’s the preternaturally gorgeous sistas who’ve been treated by everyone since puberty like Krugerrands fall from their taint that are on the hunt for that unicorn they believe Jesus sent to whisk them away in a white Bentley Mulsanne chariot. But even he likely has a secret porn habit or an incurable ball odor that she won’t find out about until it’s too late.

I heard a friend of a friend mention to a table of mixed company that a man should spend no less than $150 on her at dinner on a first date, because she’s worth it. A bangin’ young lady I once had designs on told me that she wouldn’t even consider dating a brother who’d ever been with a white woman. I’ll bet neither of them are even in spitting distance of a ring.

 Regarding personality: I once dated a sista who looked like new money on paper –  pretty, Ivy-league graduate, fellow writer aspiring to get a book published (and has since). But, despite being a couple years older, she had difficulty reconciling her inner freakiness with her preacher’s-daughter bona fides (we’re talking mid-coital tears of guilt, fam). Even worse, she tried to take a heavy hand in my career after just a couple weeks of dating, castigating me for my decisions despite not knowing my middle name.

She was looking for a potential husband nearly a decade ago. Unsurprisingly, she’s still single as fuck.

The brothas are most certainly not absolved of wackness. Lord knows I did some wack shit in my dating life that I’m not proud of – things I wouldn’t tell my wife about to this day because my manhood couldn’t support an “I actually married a fuckboy” glare. But the dating deck is stacked in favor of black men of my ilk to a degree that it ain’t even fair: I have a solid career, an advanced degree and good credit; I’m not completely hideous to look at and I was able to learn from my mistakes. I wasn’t gonna stay single forever.

I put an SOS out on the NiggaNet to find one educated, employed, halfway decent-looking black man who wants to be single but can’t find a nice, compatible woman and is staining his pillow with tears every night. I couldn’t find him in a car, I couldn’t find him in a bar; I couldn’t find him in a house, I couldn’t find him with a mouse; I couldn’t find this dude because he doesn’t exist, Sam I Am.

That’s why some of the wackest dudes on terra firma are married to some of the most spouse-worthy black women. In cities like Atlanta – home of the gorgeous black woman and the gay black man – the deck is so stacked in a straight, employed dude’s favor that he can look like Sam Cassell after a week in the SHU and still have to fight off hordes of ladies like the Bride did the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill Vol. I. It’s easy to put off looking for your wife when you can sire children well into your 50s and command barrelfuls of ass across a broad age range until then.

 Wack dudes are also expert at enlisting patriarchy – often under the guise of the church or whatever hotep bullshit Dr. Umar Johnson is spouting – to justify their need to “lead” their wives. Grow up, niggas: independent sistas with a high-five- or six-figure salary who are accustomed to bi-yearly vacations and those pricey-ass beauty products from Ulta aren’t likely to fall back and “submit” to your Steak ‘n Shake manager salary.

 The whole conversation of black American unions is pointless without examining the socio-political state of black Americans. Thanks to white supremacy, institutional racism and (somehow) Bishop Eddie Long, black women are consistently surpassing black men academically and career-wise. It runs deeper when you consider that black women might be the ethnic groups in America most likely to insist on marrying their ethnic male counterpart.

Sure, brothas have a tendency to be locked in arms with some of the most aiiiight-looking white chicks ever, but that’s still no excuse for the death glare from a sista when she sees it. The “they’re taking all of our men” attitude is a relic of the 1990s – I do believe that black men of all stripes (except professional sports players) are still, on average, mostly married to black women. Watching the daily news would indicate that miscegenation seems pretty far down on the list of things threatening the black family.

That said, it’s an incredibly wack, sell-out-ass move for black folks of either gender to write off dating their own. I take umbrage at the idea that black women are inherently recalcitrant or that black men are naturally shiftless and disloyal; the only valid reason I can come up with for a black person unwilling to date their own is that they hate what they see when they look in the mirror.

So, if you have a loved one you know is wack and might be forever destined to singlehood because of it, the onus is on you to deliver to them a “come to Jesus.” Because if anyone lacks the gift of introspection, it’s wack motherfuckers. Unfortunately, a lot of female friends spend too much time emotionally diddling each other’s clitorises to be real with each other about their wackiness, which doesn’t help matters.

Thankfully, I have the gift of a close circle of friends who, like me, are absolute assholes who have always informed me all the candor in the world where, when and how I fucked up. I wish for you a similar group of assholes for friends.

Dustin Seibert

Dustin J. Seibert lifts heavy weights and plays all his video games on hard mode to find peace. He has a better ear for hip-hop than anyone else you know. He writes like the English language is going outta style because the steaks in his freezer are dependent on it.

  • Oluseyi

    Preach.

    • YeaSoh

      wtf

      • Oluseyi

        I was with it early, until Sister Ruby removed the scales from mine eyes, and I saw it for the slander against Black Goddesses that it was.

        And lo, I was spent, and I fell to mine knees and cried out, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani!

  • CAsweetface

    A painful read on every level. This was a hard piece to get through on so many levels. I forgot what the article was even about half way through and still couldn’t find the point.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      It was pretty straight forward. What part did you have an issue with?

      • CAsweetface

        The shallowness. The style. The not living up to the title…

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Ok. It is a perspective. So since it isn’t to your liking, would you be able to talk about this topic in a better manner? I’d like to know how you’d approach it.

          This is VSB. Everything is up for criticism, but in the same breathe, it’s only fair those who criticize somehow provide an idea of how to make it better.

          • NO! His words were perfectly penned! God himself couldn’t have written this better.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              lmao you are so evil

        • Asiyah

          Yes it was pretty shallow.

          • Nick Peters

            We’re all shallow

            • No, only the lowly black woman is shallow. There is NOTHING redeeming about her.

            • Asiyah

              not me. I’m very deep.

              JUST KIDDING ME TOO! lol

    • panamajackson

      I’m also curious what was difficult about it. Painful I could understand, but hard to get through? Enlighten moi, s’il vous plait

      • CAsweetface

        If you’re going to have a title like this go hard with it. Not enough details and I wasn’t a huge fan of the writing style. I was waiting for a climax but left, unsatisfied. I can name plenty of wack characteristics in the DC area alone that single women exhibit. Just my two cents.

    • Gujungu

      This was totally clear to me…its possible he was writing more from a man’s perspective

      • Guest

        Don’t say that, there’s plenty smart, insightful men out there.

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Bruh…..this s h i t is worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Wackness is the one trait everyone is guilty of and yet no one knows about it. I been wack for most of my life. Had to learn it the hard way too, which is why I’m forever laughing at women who can’t handle that simple truth. You’re alone because you’re wack. Everybody else can see it but you. But they won’t tell you, because nobody pays us enough for that conversation.

    When men are wack, women label that as POTENTIAL and hope to make improvements on that in the future. That process cannot be repeated vice versa. Hence is the problem.

    • Dustin John Seibert

      Thanks for the feedback, fam.

      • Dear Black King,

        How do I rid myself of wackness? I am so unhappy without my own relationship, my own marriage, I wake up wanting to throw myself from the highest cliff to my death. How do I fix this?

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          lmao you are sooooo foul for this.

          • Foul? I want my life to have meaning! How can it have meaning if I am SINGLE?!

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Looooord help me with this one

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        No problem man. Only thing I can say in hindsight is when you make a post like this, you know it’s basically shots fired. So next time, cover all of your bases.Make sure whatever you want people to not question, you already answered for them. I learned the hard way that’s the easiest way to avoid people pushing their beliefs on what you said, rather than talk about what you actually said.

    • Oluseyi

      When men are wack, women label that as POTENTIAL and hope to make improvements on that in the future. That process cannot be repeated vice versa. Hence is the problem.

      S h i t. That’s some science there…

      • Caree

        Bible

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        It is. And I’m speaking as the person who was the science project. I fully get know criticism for the soul is not a two-way street, and us men have to learn to take responsibility for that. We can’t just let s h i t be one sided because we think women will argue with us, We need to weather the storm until the point has been taken seriously.

      • Wild Cougar

        Uh……..captain save a hoe? Men who like crazy women? Men who want someone to teach and lead……? The process is repeated vice versa every dang day. I have to fight off men searching for improvements to make with me so they can feel needed. Stop deluding yourselves.

        • Oluseyi

          The beauty of the scientific method is that it has methods for excising accepted “knowledge.” Much as we learned that all matter was not composed of Earth, Wind and Fire, and they play cousin Water, the directional bias of misperception of wackness as potential has been disproved. Brava!

          • Wild Cougar

            You’re giving me a headache and I think I might be a little turned on.

            • Oluseyi

              I do like me a woman confident enough to self-describe as a cougar…

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              https://images.rapgenius.com/7giljideea66cm3n34j61zzyf.640x360x28.gif

              And that ladies and gentleman, is how you shoot your shot.

              • Wild Cougar

                I wasn’t trying to. I’m such an insufferable flirt. I have a boyfriend. Gonna go sit in the corner now.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  This is why I crush on you.

        • LEE007

          Most of these types can find someone willing to play that role. It is seldom that they are forced to remain single.

        • Asiyah

          Ain’t nothing a man loves more than a project. See: “Pygmalion” and “My Fair Lady”

          @Oluseyi:disqus

  • menajeanmaehightower

    I thought we were done with these articles.

    I will say this, in DC, I am starting to see a lot more black women with non black men. It’s really about location.

    Women, in this day and age, regardless of age and race, are going to find it harder to find men who are educated and higher earning because women, in every category, are outpacing men. Women, will need to decide, how they truly see the role of a man in their lives since the role is changing and act accordingly. Men will need to decide on this too.

    I hate articles like these because the nuance is never there.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Depends on perspective.

      I don’t think this post is simply men vs. women all over again. I’m looking at it more as commentary on a particular problem that could use another suggestion, rather than the same old conversation.

      Wackness seems almost stupid, but somehow it is something we are all particularly aware of. It’s a vibe you get from people, a feeling you can’t shake sometimes. Usually hard to put into words but definitely something both genders have experience with.

      Could there be a better way to phrase all of this? Of course. Even with my post, I’m joking but I’m sharing my opinion about the author’s vision because this is a VERY TRICKY SUBJECT that most people will be offended by, and yet there is something truly valid to speak on about it.

      • menajeanmaehightower

        I guess what I am saying is that saying someone is wack is a reason they aren’t married is very subjective. What do the facts say? The facts tell us what is really happening. People are getting married later in life and it is harder and harder for women to find their equal when it comes to education and finances. Both genders will need to figure out what roles they see in each others lives and go from there.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          True indeed. But being self-aware doesn’t hurt anyone. The truth sucks a lot of the time, but it is necessary. We can’t always achieve the goal we want because we are our own obstacles without realizing it.

      • -h.h.h.-

        I don’t think this post is simply men vs. women all over again.

        oh, but it will be my fellow Sith…

        because someone is going to point out, rightfully so, that for males, the same is true. it might be because *you’re* short (well, yeah, it probably be is that, but nevermind) or broke, but because your attitude, as a male, is wack. he didn’t really flesh that out, so it’s going to come off as an attack, and folks will do leaps that one would only see in the icecapades.

        • menajeanmaehightower

          To me, it’s like pointing out why black people aren’t as wealthy as whites without going deeper. Bad comparison but there is so much more there. Single black women who want to be married aren’t getting married because they may be wack? Ok. That could be true or could it be that across the board, people are marrying later, gender roles are changing, and men who are of a certain class will have more power because there are so few of them and so many more women who are socially higher than men. Like he touched on the latter but led off with “your personality may be wack.”

          • -h.h.h.-

            That could be true or could it be that across the board, people are marrying later, gender roles are changing, and men who are of a certain class will have more power because there are so few of them and so many more women who are socially higher than men.

            i’d like to point out something.

            anytime that males complain discuss their single situation, about how they wish they could date, but they’re short, they’re broke, they’re pretty much told (at least from my viewpoint) that it’s not really that…it’s because their personality is wack (because women date short dudes, broke dudes allllllllll the time).

            maybe this is a reversal of that advice? what’s good for the goose being good for the gander?

            i’m broke so i have no say in the matter, lol.

            • menajeanmaehightower

              I get it. :-) But i feel like I’ve been someone who has always pointed out the other possibilities. What Malik said up top is the plain truth. People who want to date will date.

              • -h.h.h.-

                people who want to date, will date….

                but if you’ve been out there in the dating world, and your goal is marriage…how long before it’s a “You” issue?

                how long before, you know, it actually IS your personality…because your intelligence, your wealth, your beauty, doesn’t override that attitude?

                • fxd8424

                  “but if you’ve been out there in the dating world, and your goal is marriage…how long before it’s a “You” issue?”
                  Sometimes, it’s a matter of timing.

                  • -h.h.h.-

                    sometimes, its a matter of timing…of location…of people…of finances…

                    is there any a time when it’s….the person themselves?

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    Timing is always a factor. Hence why people have to repeat problems in order to solve them when they keep passing up the opportunity to correct them the first go around, the second, the third..etc

                  • tgtaggie

                    I’m one of those ppl. I figured it out pretty quickly. Im the safe dude and I’m cool with it. I’m not built for finding a wife in this current dating climate. Honestly, it’s really not worth it. A lot of women say they want a good dude but they rather deal with “entertainment dudes”

                    • “A lot of women say they want a good dude but they rather deal with “entertainment dudes””

                      :/

                    • Guest

                      ^^^^ Entitled, blame ridden, childish, jerk.

                    • you looking for the wrong ones!

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                I see your point, and you’re right, this should have been expounded on better. But I can tell from how the author wrote this, he didn’t mean for any of his article to come off as a half-a$$ attack, that there is merit to it.

            • Guest

              Men who come to the conclusion that the reason they don’t get women is because of height and money (when black women obviously don’t care how much money you have, if we did we wouldn’t have so many black ashy babies with the brokest of broke men)…..its usually neither that is the problem. He is probably just a mean, entitled, childish jerk who is a bad person in general that turns people of with his behavior.

              • -h.h.h.-

                right, sure, ok.

          • -h.h.h.-

            oh, and welcome back.

      • -h.h.h.-

        Toldya dude

        our Goddesses are Unerring Queens, males are just foolish simpletons being condescending again and again – Book of VSS, Chapter 12, Verses 7-8, Message Version

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          lmaooooooooooooo i hate you for this

      • Oh Rewind, please teach me how to be a black woman who isn’t wack. You’re black. You have a paynus. God it’s so hard being a black woman without a thought for myself :-(

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Yo I am crying over here right now

    • Oluseyi

      Why do the men have to be higher earning?

      Perhaps that will be the real lever that pushes gender equality forward (hopefully not sliding into matriarchy): increased economic power. With the financial leverage to make leading decisions for a household and family, women will be able to compel better behavior of men en masse, and punish misbehavior more effectively. But it requires that they, too, discard the expectation of “security” or whatever else is tied with a man who is similarly or more educated and/or makes more money.

      • menajeanmaehightower

        That’s what i am getting at. They don’t have to be but that will be up to both single parties on the market.

      • Jennifer

        Except there are men who still have issues with women being higher earners. In my experience (because that’s the only real evidence any of us have here), a lot of 30-something black women are willing to make the shifts you are talking about.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          That’s the gender role problem indoctrinated in all of us. If it isn’t a problem for you, then you’re looking for like-minded individuals who have shed that belief and take life more seriously. For those that don’t, clearly we can’t be bothered with them, no matter how good they may look on paper.

          • I am still waiting for your lesson great Teacher. How can I be a black woman? A worthy black dog?

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Stop it.

              You already are a Black woman. You already are your own person, filled with pluses and minuses. No man alive has been gifted the right to TELL YOU who to be. Only thing I can ever ask out of you or any other woman is, for all the things you want in a man, can you give him back the exact same? If your answer is yes, then you’re in the clear.

              • I am nothing without a Black King and this is evident. Don’t patronize me!

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  lmaoooooo i hate you for this.

              • Wild Cougar

                You don’t have to give back the same. Many relationships are based on a perceived imbalance. The symbiosis happens with factors that are not immediately visible.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  I rock with you on this. But I feel like it’s only right we prove we can dish out what we expect to receive.

                  • Wild Cougar

                    Have you ever seen really long marriages where one person was always the unselfish giving good one and one was always the selfish taking bad one? Or where one was the stable one and the other was crazy unstable, but it worked? I see this all the time. I think it works because the person wants to receive a role that affirms their desired identity.

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Yea I have, and you’re right. But for me, it was always older people, and I knew it was like that because they didn’t believe in moving on, no matter how miserable they were. And when it was younger, people, I usually saw low-self esteem at work. I can never call it.

        • cancergirl08

          Same. Both me and my a girlfriend of mine have experienced this in the DC area. A few men aren’t as “progressive” as had us believe.

        • Oluseyi

          In fact, a substantial amount of present and historical evidence suggests that black women have long been willing to make that “shift” (is it a shift if you’ve always been there?), given the number of black women who are the sole breadwinners in their households.

          Perhaps it is a reaction against that which motivates black women of achievement to not want to “settle” for lower-earning men, because they have strong experiential reasons to associate it with all sorts of fcukboy-ery.

          America gets them going and coming. Dam n.

      • Epsilonicus

        “Why do the men have to be higher earning?”

        What I am seeing in my part of the world is that women really want it this way. Even among the most educated.

        • Oluseyi

          But is that a primary motivator or a response to extant realities? In the absence of a fragile, vicious patriarchy, would they still want the same?

        • Interesting, I always felt like men wanted this more. But I have met women who said this.

      • Part of it is just economics, especially if you want to have kids. It costs an average of $250k to get a child from birth to age 18. The gender pay gap is real, especially so for mothers (and most women want to have kids). And let’s be real, in America money is the ONLY security you’ll get because our government services are just barely adequate compared to other first world countries. As far as I’m concerned, it’s as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one. #notagolddigger #justpractical

        • Oluseyi

          I agree with your points regarding the expense of child care, and economics in general, but can’t those goals be met so long as the collected resources of partners are sufficient? It doesn’t explain the specific requirement that the man be a majority contributor.

          Especially now that men are finally starting to respect the assets and agency of women, I suspect we will see this expectation/requirement, which is largely a legacy of millenia of patriarchy, fall by the wayside.

          • Guest

            That’s all well and good until a human being that can barely lift it’s head up exits your body. Then you are mom, and things change.

            • Oluseyi

              So once you’re a mom, his income must specifically exceed what you were making? Or just exceed a level of worry, even if you make/made more?

              I think you’re misreading the original question. I’m not asking why women want a man with a substantial income, I’m asking why it is a criterion that his income be greater than hers and if that doesn’t unnecessarily constrain options.

              If he makes low six figures (say, $150k) and she makes middle (say, $325k), is he non-viable?

              • Guest

                Yes because the combination of a new burden AND a sharp deficit in lifestyle it a devastating blow to a relationship. People always act like coming together, being financially strapped and having a child involved is this awesome character building exercise that should only bring them together and make them stronger, but it’s irrational to put your family through that if you don’t have to.

                • Oluseyi

                  You’re not answering my hypothetical, but your own. Which is a totally valid hypothetical, but not the one I’m investigating.

          • Sure you can. But people are emotional about money and most women want the security blanket of a man who earns more. Even if they plan on working after having kids, it’s nice to know you have the option of being a housewife. Deep down, women like being taken care of and in our society, that means a man with money. Thousands of years of patriarchy don’t disappear overnight just because we know better. It’s ingrained and the way we think about work has to change in order for women and men to equally be breadwinners.

            • Oluseyi

              Fair… but also way fcuked up.

      • Guest

        Because your child may be born sick, or blind, or deaf, or with a heart condition. Or might have a problem latching on to get milk, or have low birth weight. Or might need an elective surgery…..or after mama brings him or her into the world, might decide she just cannot go back to work. Or….she may go into heart failure while delivering the child, and she cannot go back to work. That’s why you need a man who is a high earner. You never know what might happen to your children and I don’t know many women comfortable with staying away when they have a ill newborn baby.You never know what kinds of problems your children might have. You have to be able to pay for it and be present at the same time.

        • Oluseyi

          Not “high earning.” Higher earning, as in “he makes more money than she does.” Nothing you’ve outlined—all valid, real concerns—requires that his income exceeds hers, merely that it exceed a threshold of worry.

          • Guest

            Aren’t you the math guy? Listen so Sally makes 4.00. Todd makes 2 dollars. Then Sally has baby, born with respiratory distress. Sally chooses not to go back to work. Now Sally, Todd, and Todd Jr. Have strife from sickness, and strife from a sharp extreme financial blow. Because Todd cannot make the money Sally makes, Sally stresses as both mom and primary bread winner that used to live good but now lives awful. If Todd made 10 dollars….Sally 4 dollars would be missed, but not mission critical during an already hard time for the family.

            • Oluseyi

              Fail.

              Say the necessary amount is 5 baby bucks. Todd makes 6, Sally makes 9. Even without Sally’s 9, they aren’t plunged into poverty. Is Todd a bad match?

              That is the question.

              • Guest

                Yes. You have to raise a child to understand. I can’t fast forward you into how it feels to have two people on 14 then to have three on five. Or twins…..when you have twins they are sometimes born early with abnormalities or in an incubator…..I cannot teach you a stress you have never experienced.

                • Oluseyi

                  You’re assuming I’m not a parent. Fascinating.

                  The root problem with your math is that it begs the question, why should the high-earning male even have a professional partner, if he needs to stand at the ready to bear the entire family’s financial burden? It’s simpler—on multiple levels—for him to marry someone for the express purpose of being a housewife from jump, with the benefit to him of the complete submission that comes from total dependency. You are effectively invalidating the possibility of genuine partnership, or at least arguing that equality and partnership go out the window once the pair begin reproducing. You’re saying the “men’s rights advocates” types and my African peers who spit out the word “feminism” like it’s blasphemous are onto something.

                  That disturbs me.

                  • Guest

                    You’re bothered that I would rather tend to my sick or ill or delayed newborn then to be working and making money to take care of a man instead? Weird.

                    • Oluseyi

                      Honestly, I really have no idea how you parse what I write to invent the positions you respond to.

                      To reiterate: the root question is why “must” a woman’s mate earn more money than she does. The root question you wish to investigate, of why a woman desires a mate who earns good money, potentially money that can care for the entire family without her immediate fiscal contribution, is not interesting, nor is it the question I asked. In fact, it’s so obvious as to border on asinine.

                      The argument I am attempting to refute is that the pickings for educated, qualified, upwardly mobile, whatever-other-euphemism-you-wish-to-employ are so slim; I am arguing that accepting a mate who is compatible in essential regards, even if he makes less money (but still enough to care for the family in a pinch), expands the selection pool.

                      You have now invented a second order assertion that I expect the woman to be financially contributing to the bottom line regardless of her health, or that of a newborn. Now, this may be an attitude you have encountered or even a tragedy you have personally faced, but it ain’t got s h i t to do with me, so stop trying to put it on me. My statement is that, assuming reproductive realities falling within the tolerances of “common experience,” it is not unrealistic for a woman to select and rely on a partner who makes less money than she does but still more money than they need to be at least minimally comfortable.

                      Given the number of extremes you feel compelled to layer on top of a simple question, I have to assume that you have no valid answer to the original question. In other words, there is no reason for a woman not to pick a mate who makes less money than she does, as long as he makes enough money to sustain the family they intend to have, even if she were to completely stop working.

                      I hope this clears up any lingering misperception or misunderstanding of my line of inquiry.

                  • Guest

                    You don’t speak like a father. Not like the father of a child older than a month or so….or a man who has had a pregnant mate…you’ve experienced your own newborn child and the fragility of the situation? I doubt it lol.

                    • Oluseyi

                      My son will be four next month. Thanks for playing.

              • Guest

                Not to mention, there’s 5 typical baby bucks…and there’s special needs/ill baby bucks. Two different financial situations.

                • Oluseyi

                  Sure. And he could die. Oops, different financial situation.

                  We can’t meaningfully extrapolate to any special needs situation, because it isn’t representative of the norm/mean/median. This analysis is only useful as long as we assume spaced out, individual births of modest number (national average is still ~2.5, yes?). I’ve got nothing for the dude who insists on having 6 kids on his middle manager’s salary.

                  • Guest

                    One out if six children born in the US have a developmental delay or disability. http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/developmentaldisabilities/index.html

                    • Oluseyi

                      You appear to have no idea what a normal distribution looks like. A theorem that covers the mean/median experience is not expected to cover 17% occurrence.

                      Look, I get it. This issue is near and dear to your heart, and it’s an important one. But it is not a sound rationale for an insistence on a specific income differential in mate selection. Separate the personal from policy. fin.

                    • Guest

                      You don’t have a baby, nor have you ever had one, or a wife or girlfriend who is pregnant and has given birth. I don’t even think you’re around children, my guess is you are the youngest or an only child. So bye.

                    • Oluseyi

                      “Guest,” you don’t know me. So hush your face and keep hating yourself. Bye.

                    • Guest

                      Wanting to stay away from a sick baby is hating yourself, but who knows how you Africans work…..maybe that’s normal out there.

                    • Oluseyi

                      Yawn. The African-/Africa-hating rears its head again. At this point I’m going to assume you’re not black, and actively dislike black people, with a specific bias against continental Africans, because nobody should carry that much self-hate—you know, much like you assume I don’t have a child, have never been around children, have no siblings, and hate my mother. Or something.

                      Still can’t form a coherent answer about why a man’s income must exceed a woman’s, either. Ultimately you’re just an agent of patriarchy.

      • They want a man that can hold his own and isn’t dependent on her finances. I think that makes sense…as more women are no longer depending on a man’s income, they expect him to also have his own money. A man and woman both earning their own is an important part of equality in a relationship (believe it or not).

        • Oluseyi

          You’re not answering my question, which asks why he must specifically earn more than she does, not why he needs to earn a good income. Tom Brady makes less than Giselle; no bueno? You think without her bank they’re going to be plunged into poverty?

    • DustyKnuckles

      “Women are outpacing men”
      But what about the wage gap! Actually the truth is, black men still come out on top when it comes to material success. It’s just a lot of are doing it without college degrees.

  • Pinks

    Well then.

    • IsitFridayyet?

      That was my issue while reading, It would seem like wackiness is in the eye of the beholder.

      • Pinks

        And if everyone has a bit of this damning wackness in them, then it would stand to reason that we would all be single, no?

        • IsitFridayyet?

          Exactly.

        • Oluseyi

          See here.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          No. That’s not how this is working at all.

          It’s basically speaking on the issue of people always hyping themselves up to be amazing but can’t understand why other people don’t see it. Which is simple, we don’t always see our own flaws as easily as other people can. So the mission becomes to find someone who can see the flaw and accept it or to discover the flaw on our own.

          This has nothing to do with being undateable, but everything to do with forcing our will onto the world without fully understanding what we are asking for.

          • Pinks

            But there are some people who might be drinking this person’s Kool Aid and actually agreeing with all the points they’ve hyped themselves up on. I don’t think it’s always a case of forcing your will onto the world as much as it is “Hey, this is me. I know I’m not your cup of tea, but I’m somebody’s Henny straight, and that’s all right with me.”

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Anyone can drink the Kool-Aid but uh…at some point that pitcher is gonna get empty, right? Then what? No more packets in the cupboard. Sugar is on E. Just the water left, and it’s looking kind of suspect, because I see no Brita filter. Now what is we gon do????

              All that to say, at some point, we all got to be seen as we really are. And we can somebody on a dream because of what we think of ourselves, but everybody wakes up at some point.

              • Pinks

                And some people are OK with that unfiltered Brita water too, is what I’m saying. We’re not in disagreement.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  Ok. I got you.

                  Now gimme a hug.

                  • Pinks

                    *goes in for hug and trips ReMax (that’s you now. Don’t debate me) before stealing his wallet and balling out at Chick Fil A*

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      N I G G A! This disrespect right there!

                    • Pinks

                      But I brought you back some nuggets and 3 sauces son.

          • Guest

            But that’s not what he wrote.

      • panamajackson

        I mean isn’t that always the case though. One man’s wack is another man’s Beyonce. I mean, the biggest issue with posts like this is just that folks to pinpoint something and its rarely something you can pinpoint.

        To me I read it to mean, in a simple form, “if you’re perpetually single, maybe its not them, maybe its you” since most of us, men and women, are always finding fault in others as to why we aren’t happy.

        • Asiyah

          I wanted to take it that way but when he glossed over the wack men part that’s when I was like “oh so this is about wack WOMEN. got it.”

          “But the dating deck is stacked in favor of black men of my ilk to a
          degree that it ain’t even fair: I have a solid career, an advanced
          degree and good credit; I’m not completely hideous to look at and I was able to learn from my mistakes. I wasn’t gonna stay single forever.”

          So basically, men can be as wack as possible because the deck is stacked in their favor. Only women have to worry about their wackness.

        • Guest

          Maybe it’s your *what*? Face? Hair? Skin? Education? The ever popular Attitude? Saying maybe it’s cause your wack is like saying *Maybe it’s cause you always be trippin*. It means nothing.

    • wackness = a lack of self awareness? (I think that’s what he was tryna say?)

      • Asiyah

        and if he would’ve said this I would be stanning for him but he didn’t. Nowhere did I see anything here about self-awareness.

        • girl– I was reachin’ lol

          • Asiyah

            let’s reach for the cookies and have ourselves a happy Friday! :)

  • cancergirl08

    I’m trying not to confuse wack-ness with flaws, but here me out:

    I think we all know a few wack people in relationships :) The key is that people in relationships just found someone to put up with their type of wack.

    Doesn’t make them any less wack than a single person. Now, more strategic? Absolutely. Manipulative? Perhaps.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Very true. But ultimately, the tale of the relationship is whether that wackness is going to change over time, or if it is a permanent fixture.

      • Jennifer

        …but two wack people: that’s forever!

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Maybe. I have seen some aint s h i t couples in my lifetime, and watched as they battled each other on who was the worse.

          • Wild Cougar

            Their wackness was their charm.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              It’s a beautiful thing while it lasts, I’ll say that much

      • Guest

        You all have it wrong. The whole article focused on physical attraction, financials and tangibles. Alot of Black people swear that’s the answer to ever single question in the cosmos…how does he look, what does she have? The thing is some people are bad people that are dysfunctional. Some people aren’t wack, they are just bad people that sabotage relationships.

    • Oluseyi

      This is a great insight, and a quality refinement to Dustin’s Wackness Thesis. It is not wackness, in absolute, but the wackness differential between two people that may make them essentially incompatible. Specifically, it is the median negative wackness differential (i.e., you are wacker than they are) between an individual and their typical romantic target that leads to perpetual singledom.

      But wackness isn’t linear. You know those people who have all the “right” qualifications, but their personality is just boring to you. Wackness is dimensional—multi-dimensional, even. Wackness is a tensor. So…

      The Dustin-cancergirl08 Refined Wackness Theorem states that excessive angular deflection and magnitude difference in wackness between two individuals results in persistent unchose-ness.

      (Math nerds: yes, both individuals have n-vector wackness with arbitrary direction, but two vectors in an n-space always define a plane, so our deflection and magnitude reduce to your conventional cartesian comparison. Maybe you can do something cool with their wackness cross product, describing just how wack their hypothetical kids would be?)

      • Dustin John Seibert

        My favorite reply so far :)

      • Lea Thrace

        “the wackness differential between two people that may make them essentially incompatible. Specifically, it is the median negative wackness differential (i.e., you are wacker than they are) between an individual and their typical romantic target that leads to perpetual singledom.”

        We need to do some social science studies based on this.

        Also, a Naija math nerd? Someone is trying to get chose around here! lol

        • Oluseyi

          I mean, my family’s on my case, and I ain’t opposed, so…

          Shoot ya shot, ladies.

          • Lea Thrace
            • Oluseyi

              Jeff Teague with the pull-up tray? Buckets.

          • YeaSoh

            I knew this day would… it just came too soon(that’s what she said) *sad face*… it’s cool, I’m not really pressed to learn downshifting no way.

            • Oluseyi

              We holding open tryouts and you taking yourself out the game? I mean, we on the cusp of a Real Good Thing here…

              *single tear*

              • YeaSoh

                MVPs don’t do tryouts boo… you know dat.

                • Oluseyi

                  True, true.

                  So you taking me off the market? You choosin’?

                  • YeaSoh

                    I dunno Olu. All of this is happening so fast… I mean, we only been e-dating for like 3 hours and in that time you done rented me a Ferrari (although I had to pay for the insurance – duh f*ck), started tryouts for a new boo and now you want me to sign my e-poosay life away… hmmmm… wait are these whack thoughts I’m having? Is that why I’ve been e-single all this time?? Help me Dustin!!! I don’t know which road to choooose!!

                    • Oluseyi

                      First of all, it’s been like three days. I know people done had e-kids and e-divorces in less. And ain’t y’all VSSes running around talking about how us African men pushy and eager to “commit”? LOL.

                      Besides, you only choosin’ for Disqus. As a Naija boy, as I neva see if your backa be like Toolz, I go say “after de reggae, play de blues!”

                    • YeaSoh

                      Ok bae, but if this doesn’t work out just know… Barda is coming with me. *kiss kiss*

                    • Oluseyi

                      Girl, don’t even play like that. I put months into Barda. Me and Barda are a package deal.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Good. Your full cooperation in all matters is appreciated *wink*

                    • Person

                      This made me chuckle out loud!

                    • Peaches

                      I’m bundled up on my couch crying real thug tears right now! Bol

          • sesi86

            hey! I ain’t never scared. I dig the sincerity and open invitation. I’m from Ghana. Grew up in Ohio and live in Md. I have papers–I promise.

            • Oluseyi

              *dead at “I have papers”!*

              I used to come down to Maryland a lot. These days I might make it once a year; life got busy in NYC. But if I do venture down, I’ll announce broadly.

              In the meanwhile, pleased to meet you. Have you met my Disqus e-boo, YeahSoh? ?

      • I wish I really understood the last two paragraphs so I could properly swoon. My focus was the humanities in undergrad and grad, however.

        • Oluseyi

          It’s ok, I have a BA in Cinema and Cultural Studies. We can watch a Black Girl/Xala double-feature while discussing the merits and demerits of Richard Ayoade over red wine.

          • Idk man. I definitely prefer Ousmane’s later work. Moolaade is definitely one of the best films I’ve seen.

            • Oluseyi

              I agree. I just threw those two up because they were recently on Netflix, and I was avoiding having to say “and chill,” feel me?

          • Sigma_Since 93

            Where did you do your BA at?

            • Oluseyi

              I graduated from Stony Brook, but my undergraduate academic odyssey was a long, hard 8-year slog through four schools (because Reasons) that will require something stronger than the red wine.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                Puts Stony Brook on list. My son is looking at Film / Media schools and I’m trying to create a list of schools to road trip to this summer.

                • NYU Tisch and Brooklyn College if he wants to make documentaries.

                • Jennifer

                  Are Howard and American University on your list? I can connect you with a friend who is studying at American if he has questions.

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    No but I’m writing them down now.

                • Oluseyi

                  Stony Brook’s CCS program is stellar, but keep in mind that it’s a theoretical discipline. If he wants to make films, not just analyze them, maybe it’s not the place for him.

              • Are you black? Are you a man? Can you teach me how to be a black woman? I will let you have your way with me because I, am but a lowly black woman who does not know how to function. You have a degree!!! You must know how to rid me of my wackness!!

                • Oluseyi

                  Come on, Ruby. You know I don’t subscribe to “The Inherent and Irredeemable Wackness of the Unchosen Black Woman (2015).” S h i t, it was a black woman (sadly now my ex) who washed much of the stink of wackness off me!

                  • How can a black woman better you?! A black MAN?! Do not speak such horrible things!!!!!

                    • Oluseyi

                      I’m just going to hush my mouth and let the dragging continue.

                      May I self-flagellate while we’re here? “Behold! A beggar and a vagrant! Others take warning!”

                    • You can do what you want Black King. The world is yours. Would you like 40 virgins and a buffet of your favorite dishes? It is my desire to fulfill your every need King.

                    • Oluseyi

                      I don’t have enough ego to pretend like I can thoroughly satisfy even one truly voracious woman, so I don’t know what id do with 40.

                      Also, virgins are gross.

                    • I apologize my Black King.

                      *sends virgins away*

                    • Oluseyi

                      Your sins are absolved. Come now, touch the tip of my scepter, Esther, that you may live…

                    • *faints*

                      I am not worthy of such an honor!!

          • I’ve not seen Xala, but I have watched Black Girl. I was heated afterward.

            • Oluseyi

              Fcukery been going on a loooooong time.

              • Right? I saw Black Girl for the first time maybe five years ago, and I was like, this s h i t.

      • Wild Cougar

        so…..basically, wackiness doesn’t exist because of relativity

        • Oluseyi

          No, wackness is like a charge field, where the relative position of two particles defines their perceived wacknesses. “Something something Gaussian flux.”

          • Wild Cougar

            But if wackness falls in a forest and nobody is around to perceive it, does it make a sound?

            • Oluseyi

              Yes and no. Yes, it makes a sound, but it is absorbed and drowned out by all the surrounding wackness trees, so no, there wasn’t any noise in the forest today, Ranger Rick, and all of our pic-a-nic baskets are still here…

      • Kema

        *swoons* The math nerd in me says Yessss!

      • The Dustin-cancergirl08 Refined Wackness Theorem

        VSB + pain meds = Happiness

      • Naima Oceanlust

        I feel like you don’t need two vectors to define a plane. I could be wrong.

        • Oluseyi

          You don’t need two vectors to define a plane, but two vectors define a plane. They in essence over-specify a plane, savvy?

    • menajeanmaehightower

      And THIS!!

    • Asiyah

      yes. sometimes a relationship is a synergy of wackness, two wack people creating a wack situation. oh but I guess it’s ok since the situation exists.

      • cancergirl08

        What people think is ‘ok’ for their relationships is subjective. Wack-ness is largely subjective.

  • Brandon Allen

    Sam Cassell after a week in the SHU….
    That is comedy.

  • Brandon Allen

    All in all, I think wackness lies in a lack of self awareness.

  • Anonymous

    Sweetheart…the messenger is as important as the message. Nobody who needs to consider a single one of these points is going to be willing to take advice from someone who didn’t even marry a Black woman.

    Sorry, bro.

    Sorry.

    • Pinks

      Puerto Ricans can’t be black?

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Folks don’t know / don’t care that colorism exists in PR too.

        • Pinks

          As in many diasporic places.

          • Oluseyi

            As in the Continent. I was on the receiving end of some of it, due to my luxurious ebony hue. I wanna thank my Momma and Pop-Pop that I didn’t turn out to be Taye Diggs.

      • Anonymous

        Of course they can be. But his wife would not be perceived as Black, even in the U.S.

        • Pinks

          So, you know his wife? I’m just trying to get a handle on how she/her appearance negates what he’s stated.

          • Anonymous

            I think you missed the point of my comment.

            • Pinks

              I did. What was it?

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Your point is full of s h i t though, so it aint easy to miss at all.

        • Dustin John Seibert

          Are you aware that there are plenty of black Puerto Ricans as well? Need that schoolin’?

          • Anonymous

            Please do not try me when I learned about Arturo Schomburg in primary school. Your wife is not perceived as Black. You don’t have to lie to kick it. We still got love for you, bro.

            You just weren’t the messenger.

            • uNk

              “Your wife is not perceived as Black”
              I just want to ask….really a dumb question I guess. So by whose standards are these perceived notions coming from?

              • Anonymous

                America.

                • LEE007

                  The same America that is the home of the one drop rule?

                  • Anonymous

                    Not even in that America. Most Caribbean Latinos are mixed raced, but only some are perceived as Black–even here. The looks white/check-other but is still black rule only seems to apply to Black Americans in this country…

                    Even by the liberal standards I have developed being raised in a family chock full of light bright one drop Louisiana knee grows, this lovely lady ain’t Black.

        • -h.h.h.-
      • Asiyah

        now this is a good point. I still feel he went a little hard on Black women, but we don’t know if he married an Afro-Puerto Rican

        • Anonymous

          Yes we do. I just told you.

        • Pinks

          I’m just trying to see how Anon deducted that his wife isn’t black because she’s puerto rican. Like there aren’t sistas in San Juan with lips and hair thicker than Kunta’s

          • Anonymous

            Hon-aaaayyy…his wife isn’t one of them.

            • Pinks

              So you got the inside scoop. This is what I was looking for. Gotcha.

    • Brandon Allen

      Yo PR is definitely in the diaspora, you don’t know that.

      • Anonymous

        I am aware. But thanks for the obvious.

    • -h.h.h.-
  • -h.h.h.-
    • QuirlyGirly

      A gif for all reasons and all seasons

      • Lea Thrace

        it has never not been appropriate when triple h has deployed it.

    • YeaSoh

      Hmmm so you put out the effort that you know is required??

      • -h.h.h.-

        I’m sorry, Your Highness, i know not how to answer this line of questioning. Please blame my feeble male mind for not understanding the higher consciousness of the Woman Goddess vernacular. can i ask that you restate the question?

        • Black King!! We are not goddesses!!! We are the scum of the Earth!!

          • -h.h.h.-

            Nay Your Majesty, You all are perfection, thou has never made mistakes, all of your wisdom and judgement is good and fair. Do not be decieved by the followers of Tariq Yaccuub and Devil-O Johnson, they have strayed us male peons to our demise like lemmings to the sea

            • Black women will NEVER be right! Everything about us is flawed in design and execution. We are nothing and we will never be more than nothing. We are less than nothing! Black Men are all powerful!!!

              • Mochasister

                TPTB do seem to have a lot invested in making sure Black women know they ain’t s***.

        • YeaSoh

          No, you may not…

          Ok ok so Your Highness, in Her perfectness, may have made a mistake and thought your (redundant smh) Trump gif was in response to Malik. I should thrash you for confusing me like that but I’m too busy dusting off my degrees and picking up the Krugerrands that have fallen from my taint to do such thangs. I will say I do love you remembered my name tho!! That’s sessy.

          • -h.h.h.-

            Your Highness never makes mistakes, because thou art Woman.

            therefore the blame must be with me. i shall do pennace by fasting for a week, and meditating on how not to try to deceive Your Highness.

            i hope that my actions shall satisfy you *bows*

            • YeaSoh

              Ummm, I ain’t heard anything about a back rub in all this pennacing you got going on… what’s up with that?

              • -h.h.h.-

                Mere mortals cannot think to touch Goddesses, Your Highness…i would be singed like a butterfly near the sun

                • YeaSoh

                  Use gloves

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            This kind of turned me on. Dunno why.

    • miss t-lee

      Just know that every time you post this gif I get a hearty laugh.

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