Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

Maybe Ridiculous, But Accurate, Advice That’s Totally True

Don't stop, pop that, don't stop, pop that pop that pop that.

Don’t stop, pop that, don’t stop, pop that pop that pop that.

So you know how on the road to riches and diamond rings, real nwords do real things? Well that’s the same way I feel about some of the relationship advice I’ve been given while I was holding back the years.

Wait. What?

Exactly. Since everybody knows I’m a motherf*cking monster, people like to drop off nuggets of wisdom. A lot of it is bad. I’m no stranger to bad advice, or good advice and doing the exact opposite. With that in mind, I’d like to share with you some ridiculous, but true, relationship advice. We kick nothing but actual factuals around these parts. Attention, some of this will be insensitive. So let me preface the whole post by saying, “no offense…” because if I say “no offense…” that means you can’t be offended. Capiche? Capiche.

1. If you don’t want to date ugly people, don’t talk to ugly people.

Most people, men and women, are average. I’m an average Joe. Perhaps even a wee bit below average since I’m of 3-status. I could have been a pilot, could have been a doctor. I could have been a pimp, could have been a mobster. But no, I’m a 3. Either way, I have had the fortune of making the acquaintance of women with whom I made macaroni due to the fact that they spoke to me. They gave me 3 seconds and I gave them 3 minutes. Maybe even 4. Point is, the reason you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover is because you don’t know what lies beneath. The problem is that man and womankind are largely superficial even if folks don’t want to admit this in public space. It’s okay. I’m only human, flesh and blood, a man. It’s so simple its stupid. But its true. Let Panama Jackson be your cuationary tale. It can happen to you.

2. Don’t take financial advice from a homeless person, but listen anyway.

So one of THE stupidest plots in movie history is in Tyler Perry’s (shocker!) The Family That Preys where the homeless guy that Alfre Woodard is always helping is actually a financial genius who just hit a rough patch, but somehow through a brilliant story arch and excellent writing is a former Wall Street wunderkind who is advising Alfre on her portfolio. Look…we just talked about judging a book by its cover and all and, well, yeah. But seriously, if a homeless guy is giving you financial advice just wait til somebody who isn’t holding a cardboard sign that says “will rap for food” gives you the same nugget. Same goes with NOI members telling how to season your porkchops. That should not come from memory. What am I getting at here? When taking relationship “advice” just listen to the spirit, not the letter. I realize I’m preaching the choir, but most time advice isn’t wrong, we just get wrapped up in the messenger. Which is fair. But its not…point is…everybody can do wisdom. Everybody just isn’t good at specifics.

3. If you have any relationship ambiguity with a person, do not drive for longer than 2 hours anywhere, especially after dark.

According to Duncan Pinderhughes/Blade Brown, learning about cars is a form of examining human reproductive behavior via one if its many procreatory environs. Or something. Well, not only is it a good place bone when you’re 17  its also one of the most intimate settings you can have with somebody. For one, its you, them and the open road. People do a lot of thinking in the car and if you somebody is sitting there that you have feelings for or vice versa, well at some point during a long car ride, its going to be awkward if those things aren’t discussed. Plus you’re stuck. Somebody has something to say, you’re gonna hear it. And there’s nothing you can do about it. If you ain’t ready to discuss something with somebody, don’t do the car ride. Actually, 2 hours is a long time in a car with a person who has something they want to get off their chest. So basically, put them on public transit.

4. If you think you go together, you probably do until somebody says that you don’t.

Some of the funniest conversations that I seem to have nowadays center around the general confusion about what is really happening with new boos. Like. I’d give you examples, but then I might incriminate at least 47 people I know. That’s no bueno. Incrimination is not whats hot in these streets. Point is, if you  have to have a conversation about what’s really going on, there’s a good chance that you got together. If you can be a hashtag, you probably are a hashtag. Remember that and you’ll go far in life.

5. Read VSB. You will live long and prosper.

Bong bong.

What you got? What totally sound but semi-ridiculous advice to you have to share with the people. And P-I-M-P but why?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. BONG BONG aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • kekepalm

    1st

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

    Never date (or sleep with, for that matter) anyone who’s ever been in a bad relationship. That’s where the crazy comes out.

    If you’ve never experienced this, then chances are you may be the crazy person.

    Signed,
    Perverted Alchemist
    Human Behavior Specialist, Ph.D., UMG, EMI, WMG, SME, BBC, FX

    • nillalatte

      You could have just stopped at “never date” because almost everyone I know has at one time described one of their relationships as ‘bad.’ :P

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

        The only problem is when they decide to bring the remnants of their past bad relationship into the current one. At my age, I see this happen too many times to count. The people I see doing that makes me look at them and wonder. It’s like why even bother to try something new if that person wants to bring in baggage from their past? I can’t respect that, and I lose respect for the people doing it.

        I just met someone recently and she informed me about what happened to her in the past. I’m contemplating to whether or not to ditch her because of that.

        • msdebbs

          “I’m quite content with limited options at this point…it’s just some bull shiggity I rather not deal with.”

          You have every right to….it’s a deal breaker

        • nillalatte

          Straight up, that’s kind of shallow, dude, like you ain’t got a past at.all. Come on, get real. Everybody, particularly in our age bracket, has a past. Some cope better than others, that’s all. And, for her to trust… oh, heck… did I say TRUST you enough to open up and tell you… that’s something. Shyt, if that was the standard everyone had nobody would be getting together after age 25!

          I love this poem and believe it is not only powerful, but true. :)

          Reason, Season, or Lifetime

          People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
          When you figure out which one it is,
          you will know what to do for each person.

          When someone is in your life for a REASON,
          it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
          They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
          to provide you with guidance and support;
          to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
          They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
          They are there for the reason you need them to be.

          Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
          this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
          Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
          Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
          What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
          The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

          Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
          because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
          They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
          They may teach you something you have never done.
          They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
          Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

          LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
          things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
          Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
          and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
          It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

          — Unknown

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

            “Straight up, that’s kind of shallow, dude, like you ain’t got a past at.all. Come on, get real.”

            It’s not being shallow, it’s being honest- I’m not into being sucked into another person’s problems. I’ve stated that on numerous occasions.

            “Everybody, particularly in our age bracket, has a past. Some cope better than others, that’s all.”

            …And that’s where therapy comes in.

            “And, for her to trust… oh, heck… did I say TRUST you enough to open up and tell you… that’s something.”

            That’s something…to them….

            “Shyt, if that was the standard everyone had nobody would be getting together after age 25!”

            Considering how most people after 25 make questionable and irrational decisions when it concerns matters of the heart, it would probably be in their best interest to not date.

            • msdebbs

              “It’s not being shallow, it’s being honest- I’m not into being sucked into another person’s problems.”
              +1

            • AYFKM

              I agree with you 100%. That’s really why I don’t date. There was a period when I wasn’t aware of my baggage. That was a period when I probably shouldn’t have been dating.

              Now that I’ve at least learned to master my crazy, lol! I’m in a place that I’m ready to date but I’m very selective as to whom I entertain. There are many people who have not even acknowledged their crazy let alone learned how to master it.

              I’m ok with being single if the alternative is drama. And no, drama is NOT a part of all relationships. At least not mine.

              • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

                There’s one thing that people need to keep in mind. In order to love someone else, you have to love yourself first. Don’t go from relationship to relationship to relationship without giving yourself time to heal. Work on yourself, and you will end up a much better person. I have a family member around my age that still hasn’t understood that concept.

                • Sweet GA Brown

                  True. This is what I have done and I wish my friends would do the same.

                  • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

                    The question is will they do it?

                    • Sweet GA Brown

                      Sadly, no. they will think something is wrong with me for mentioning it. But I think self reflection will do everyone a bit of good for many different reasons. Oh well.

              • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

                love this ~*~

                • Kema

                  *nods head* This is the only thing that keeps me sane when I go through with guys. lol! Try to find the lesson.

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

              ~ Considering how most people after 25 make questionable and irrational decisions when it concerns matters of the heart, it would probably be in their best interest to not date.

              fortunately i started making questionable and irrational decisions at a much earlier age (smile).

              but even a lot of these things hurt real bad, i am glad i made these choices in my life cause for every loss there is an equal and opposite gain ~*~

              • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

                It’s good that you learned lessons early on. There are people right now in their 30′s and 40′s who still made bad decisions and even worse, refuse to acknowledge their bad decisions.

                • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

                  (giggle) but i didnt learn anything when i was young ! i just started earlier which means, i rode that ish til the wheels fell off.

                  took a daaamn long time, but the curatin has finally come down and here in intermission i am getting ready for Act Two ~*~

              • Rewind

                That’s the remarkable thing about learning from your mistakes early. You get to see those around you who are older, who you were told were supposed to be wiser, failing so hard, and giving you reason to hope to never fall in that trap at that age.

                • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

                  mm but, with all due respect, this is not my experience at all.

                  i’ve always been attracted to older folk, and i keep quiet and listen to their wisdom, and do not judge their successes or their failures.

                  i simply respect the fact that so many of them are pioneers in a culture that has defined my life and i am honored they share of themselves with me, and that i can learn from and with them ~*~

            • SweetSass

              The more you type, the more I’m thinking you’re the one with massive emotional baggage and relationship issues. Go figure.

              If you’re so quick to jump ship because of your past experiences with people who also had past experiences… clue: that is also a form of baggage.

              • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

                Every assumption that you’ve had about me has been wrong, and you’re wrong on this as well. Unless you know me personally, you look pretty strange trying to tell someone how they are based on what they type.

            • nillalatte

              PA, respectfully,

              “It’s not being shallow, it’s being honest- I’m not into being sucked into another person’s problems.”

              Sharing is NOT sucking a person into your problems. That’s a very cynical view. As for the rest of your comments, I’m gonna ask you as others have asked me… who hurt you?!

              • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

                No one hurt me. I’m just the kind of person that likes to deal with things on a logical and rational basis, as opposed to an emotional one. If people can’t understand that about me no matter how many times I say it, then I don’t know what to tell them. Their problem, not mine.

          • Rewind

            While the poem is lovely Nilla, aint nothing shallow about what PA is asking for. He spent his life getting his sh*t together, all he is asking out of a woman is that she at least be on the same grounds if she wants him to take her seriously.

            We’ve all had bad episodes and we’ve all got war scars to share stories about…but honestly most of us out here aint trying to be Captain Save-A-Ho…I got enough problems in my life, so does PA…last thing we need is to spend our time trying to reform someone else because she doesn’t have what it takes to stand alone and face her fears. Nah…aint happening.

        • Wild Cougar

          sounds like a perfectly good reason to never date.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          You gonna karate chop her (no lil wayne) b/c of what happened to her? You think it’s going to ruin any potential you two have?

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

            Nah, I’ve been down this road a few times and I’ve seen how this played out. I hope the story doesn’t end the exact same way as the others, but from what she’s told me, I’m looking at her very suspiciously…

        • mena

          What happened in her past though? Was it in her control? I ask this b/c i have seen written on this very blog and posted in the comment sections how dudes won’t date girls who don’t know their fathers. That to me, though that person’s choice, doesn’t make any sense. You are casting someone aside based on something they had absolutely no control over.

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

            “What happened in her past though? Was it in her control?”

            Long story short- married and divorced within a few years, was physically abused and left the relationship not knowing she was pregnant. That child is now four months old. So, she’s not as far removed from that as much as she’s willing to admit.

            “I ask this b/c i have seen written on this very blog and posted in the comment sections how dudes won’t date girls who don’t know their fathers. That to me, though that person’s choice, doesn’t make any sense.”

            It does if you’ve ever grown up in a two parent household and know how people happen to act and carry themselves. The differences between a person who grew up with a father and one who didn’t is very telling.

            “You are casting someone aside based on something they had absolutely no control over.”

            However, in certain instances, the casting aside is justifiable at times. Is it fair? No, but somewhat justifiable- depending on the situation of course.

            • mena

              “So, she’s not as far removed from that as much as she’s willing to admit.”
              She has an abusive ex and a baby by that guy. So her abusive ex will always be a part of her life. That’s a huge issue and that relationship was in her control. I personally don’t think i can date someone that has a new born with someone else.

              “The differences between a person who grew up with a father and one who didn’t is very telling.” I agree with this. The most spoiled self centered women I have ever met daddy’s girls. Having good parent/parents is very telling vs. having bad parent/parents. People place too much value on how many folks were raising the kid vs how the kid was raised.

              • Camilleblu

                gotta say I agree with you mena….while an absent parent can certainly cause a lot of damage, two fukced up parents can cause just as much, if not more. quality > quantity. period.

                • mena

                  Yes. I am baffled that people care about who was in the home vs. what was going on inside of the home. 2 parents does not equal a well adjusted kid and 1 parent doesn’t mean the kid is going to be doomed.

                  And for black people to feel this way, knowing the statistics around kids being raised in single parent households, is beyond me.

              • Camilleblu

                Moderation ..

    • Rewind

      Beyond crazy people, never date someone who can’t take criticism or admit to wrong doing. All it means is that they are blind to their actions, assume they are always right, and clearly bring their baggage from the past by the truckload with reckless abondonment, expecting other people to fix their problems. I think that’s what you keep finding PA, and I am very used to that life.

      So no dating for me.

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

        That’s the primary reason why I say accountability is very needed in relationship talks. I see so many people willing to point the finger at someone else and automatically assume they happen to be right based on one bad experience. That’s when I resort to pulling the proverbial “hoe hard*.

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

          Sorry, that should have been “hoe card”- damn autocorrect feature…

        • Wild Cougar

          If you keep attracting something, its about you.

          • Rewind

            I agree. That’s why I invested time to figure out why I kept attracting women like that, and through my current relationship, I figured out why. So if I become single again, I want to make sure I don’t make that mistake again.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              that’s a pretty responsible way to approach dating there hombre

              • Rewind

                The older I’m getting, the more I realize how much BS people deal with because they think they are supposed to…when the truth is..they don’t actually know they don’t have to deal with bad things. You don’t have to be with someone who causes you problems. You don’t have to care about someone who brings you down. I figure especially as a man, things are changing for us, and it would be good to get that fact clear in our heads, so we can start a wave of better relationships with women, maybe even break this bad bond we have.

                • Sweet ga broen

                  I’m so glad you said this. The most important thing I learned is that you only go through what you allow yourself to go through. If Pol were honest with themselves and admitted that they like drama and struggling in relationships, they would find more peace and maybe shut up.

        • Rewind

          Indeed. Sometimes you got to stop people in their tracks before they derail themselves and you at the same damn time.

      • Kema

        “never date someone who can’t take criticism or admit to wrong doing.”

        See this is me and I’m working on it. Its not that I’m blind to my actions though. I’m just uncomfy admitting I’m wrong.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

          ~ I’m just uncomfy admitting I’m wrong.

          i’ve come to love this, if only for the freedom it affords. to have the courage to turn around in a dead end lane is to liberate oneself and become open to all kindsa personal growth.

          also, i admire people who prove me wrong. i really do. if they can show me a better possibility than the one i’ve created (and in a positive and healthy way) then i consider that our connection has a lot more going for it than people who co-sign my irrational and misguided thoughts ..

          • Rewind

            So do I. I honestly look forward to being proven wrong, because then I can learn something new and improve myself. It is the best part of growing. It is scary to let go of the defense mechanisms that have protected you for so long, but even in reality, a security system needs repair.

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

              ~ It is scary to let go of the defense mechanisms that have protected you for so long

              what is even scarier is how those so called defense systems have caused us great harm. survival mechanisms learned as a child do not translate so well as an adult.

              the thing i am getting to now that i am going outside my comfort zone is a return to my essence, to the being who has always lived in me but just got lost in all the filth and soot.

              it feels so much better to be free of the things i thought i was doing to protect myself. a safe is airtight, no way in, no way out, you die inside that ish, convincing yourself it’s better to be “protected” like this ..

              • Rewind

                Exactly. Nothing lasts forever, and tryibng to force something to keep working for you long after it has expired can only hurt you. If you’re 32, you clearly don’t wear the diapers you wore when you were 16 months, yet that was for protection. If that makes sense, then so does not using the same defense mechanisms that worked as a teenager when you’re an adult. It is only harmful at that point and shows no growth. Change is scary, but being left behind because we refuse to grow up is even scarier.

        • Rewind

          Well it is a hit to the ego, that’s always a hard thing to deal with. But the more you deny it, the uglier of a person you become, and it begins to show after a while. At least you can even admit there is a problem, so you are far above the curve then many other people. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      Isn’t it nearly impossible to never sleep with somebody who (or date) somebody who has been in a bad relationship? I’d wager most folks would say that theyve been in bad relationships which is why the end.

      end of times.

      • AYFKM

        Not all relationships have to end in soul crushing drama. Many times the drama comes from ignoring the signs that the relationship isn’t viable. The last serious relationship I was in ended because I couldn’t see myself spending forever with him after we had been together for a year. There was no fighting or anger. Tears on my part because he was a really good guy and I would miss him.

        Also, in hindsight some of my worst break ups weren’t all that bad once I saw the part I played in their demise. Hence in my 20s I may have had dating horror stories, now in my 30s those same horror stories barely warrant mentioning. It’s all a matter of perspective I guess.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          sounds like a grown up way to look at things.

  • AmosBanks

    Women are a dime a dozen when a man has his sh1t together and women are a dime a half dozen even when a man doesn’t have his sh1t together.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      *shots, missiles and cannons fired*

    • nillalatte

      Quality v. Quantity.

      I always choose quality over quantity and ain’t too many men possess quality AND shyt togetherness in the same package. They a rare breed fa sho. *shots, missiles and cannons fired back at cha*

    • Wild Cougar

      Do you have a dozen women? Pics or it didn’t happen.

      • Jay

        WC says that you need more people to show that you have more people… with boobs.

        • SweetSass

          2 dozen t*ts or GTFO. LOL.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        If he does have the pics will you take that to the bank? Cuz i dont think he’s wrong.

        • Jay

          +1

        • Wild Cougar

          I will see him and raise him with my dozen men. Because if its true for women, its true for men.

          • Jay

            I disagree. Men are usually a dime a dozen for women even when you don’t have your sh*t together.

            • Wild Cougar

              lol!

              • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

                @Ms. Wild Cougar:
                How about you start with an actual picture first?

                O.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              right!

          • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

            @Ms. Wild Cougar:
            How about you start with an actual picture first?

            O.

  • mena

    Someone please explain #4: “Point is, if you have to have a conversation about what’s really going on, there’s a good chance that you go(t) together.” Thanks!

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      You really don’t want to know the answer to this one, do you? That’s what I would like to call a “Pandora’s Box”, if you will…

    • nillalatte

      May I? Simple. From a man’s point of view he’s milking the cow without buying it. If one finds himself in a conversation about buying the cow and he’s already tasted the milk, he ain’t interested in buying what he can get for free. Ain’t that right, PA?! ;)

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

        Uh…not quite…*snickers*

      • mena

        That still doesn’t make since with the quote. The quite is saying you go together until someone asks. Is that a part of the bad advice that is true?

      • Sweet GA Brown

        “No one wants to buy the ice cream truck if you’re handing out popsicles for free”-Superstar

    • Wild Cougar

      It means if you think you go together, you do.

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

        yea. i tried this approach #epicfailnumberseven

        but ! he is sending me his new novel. i am on pins and needles and slightly queasy at the thought ~*~

        • Kema

          I’ve done this before myself. No good!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        Right…or more complicatedly, if you are out here having those thoughts that you might have somebody there’s a good chance that if you do things you’d normally do as a single person, there’s a good chance you will find yourself in an argument that leads to the convo where y’all say that you don’t go together….you know, until you do say that you do go together.

        • Wild Cougar

          uh….ok. I think it time we dispense with the labels and titles altogether. Because having that argument means you apply certain rules to the label and the other person doesn’t want to follow those rules. But if you simply ask for what you want based on mutual affection and respect, then you might get it. Might not. But you can put a ring on it and still not get somebody who is gonna follow the rules. So the only thing the label does for you is give you the right to be right.

  • mena

    If you want a relationship and the person says they just want to chill, they don’t want a relationship with you.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      AKA The Friend (With Benefits) Zone.

      • SororSalsa

        AKA, “it’s not you…it’s me.”

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      People who don’t want relationships with you aren’t evil people.

      • Kinghenry

        the’re just being honest….move on

      • mena

        I didn’t say they were.

      • Negro Libre

        No, they’re just the majority of men lol.

        Just like men want sex with as little struggle as problem, women want commitment aka a monogamous relationship with as little struggle as possible.

        • Eps

          And that’s ballgame.

        • Rewind

          There’s no such thing as commitment or sex with as little struggle as possible. Both are high risk and have the potential to f*ck your life in enormous ways, yet everyone treats both like a game of hop-scotch.

          • Kema

            “There’s no such thing as commitment or sex with as little struggle as possible.”

            Why not?

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

              some people believe that struggling is the only way to live.

              i got hit by a brick last week of this kind last week and for the first time in my life, i decided to walk away from a losing proposition, rather than impose my ego/will upon it.

              the win/fail dichotomy in and of itself is the ultimate divide and conquer technique in effect.

            • Rewind

              Sex when done right: Awesome.

              Sex when done wrong: STDs, unwanted pregnancies,misinterpreted emotional statuses that cause friction between people

              Relationships when done right: awesome, life-altering love, creations of families

              Relationships when done wrong: paranoia, anger, frustration, confusion, gender bias, manipulation, negative impact on family life, mental scarring of children, etc.

              Need I say more?

          • Negro Libre

            Of course, there isn’t.

            The fact is that many people want to get out of the struggle rather than try to understand the nature of it, which is what “game” is all about. The problem is a lot more women drop out of the struggle, because the consequences aren’t immediate.

            If a man drops out of the struggle, the consequence is no pu$$y; either he turns gay or his laptop keyboards get sticky. On the other hand, women who drop out of the struggle still get d*ck offers; shoot many of them will get relationships, proposals, weddings etc; the problem is they don’t know how to find and keep love from a man and they always feel like it’s slipping out of their fingertips. So in relationships, they are always going back and forth between moments of passion and boredom, nirvana and melancholy, submission and dominance etc…aka they go crazy, because they haven’t mastered the nature of what they’re dealing with and all they have are contradictions and paradoxes that they don’t know how to get rid off.

            • Wild Cougar

              There is another option. A woman can drop out of the struggle and just learn to appreciate what she has in whatever stage it is.

              • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

                Once a Woman hits The Wall the decision has already been made for her…

                O.

              • Negro Libre

                Yeh monks do the same thing to. However, mankind has gotten great because we’ve overcome struggle, not because we’ve submitted to it like plants and animals do.

          • SweetSass

            Truer words have never been spoken.

            This ish should be carved in a plaque.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            I disagree with this. Sometimes when you know, you just know. I’ve def been in relationships where we just slid into those roles and were both content and happy as hell about it. It felt right.

  • Secret Sauce

    Man, one of those points is going to end up on a FB status and get likes because the gullible will think that person has a wealth of wisdom.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      One can only hope…

  • SororSalsa

    One from my mom….”Don’t b*tch if you’re not going to do anything about it.”

    Which….on the surface is good advice, but even if you’re doing something to change your situation, folks most likely don’t want to hear you b*tch about it. Just tell them when you have something good to report.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      That’s one that quite a few people need to take to heart. I see so many people (mostly women in my circles) who complain ad nauseam about their “situation” (Their words, not mine).

      It’s almost become routine for them to do so, and that’s when I have to cut them off while their speaking and issue a dose of plain truth. The downside to doing this is that you’ll probably alienate people.

      I told this one female friend of mine who made it a point to talk about her husband and how he was neglecting her. I said to her “You have two options. One of them is to cheat”. She replied “I can’t do that. What’s the second one?”

      I told her in response “Probably shut the f*ck up about it already”. She gave me this evil look and told me not to talk to her again, LOL!

      • Wild Cougar

        I am beginning to like you. Can you issue this advice to the men who dominate this comment board? Pretty please?

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

          I could, but I don’t know if it would work. You see, I’m the kind of person to say something to someone- no matter how crass and/or offensive it may be. Knowing me, If I have something to say, believe me I am going to say it- kindness, courtesy and tact be damned.

          Then when I talk, I point out where people messed up in relationships. No one likes to be told they are wrong and need to improve. To them- men or women- it’s always a case of the blame game. It’s an easy game to play when it concerns the topic of love, but what people fail to realize is that eventually, you’re going to have to look in the mirror at some point. That’s a sad reality not many are willing to face. That’s why I strayed from commenting on anything about relationships. People want the advice, but they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions.

          Case in point: This one dude I worked with was all worked up about his wife allegedly heating on him. He told me his backstory about how they got together. He stated that in the beginning, he initially cheated on her, but then tried to be a good man. I looked at him and said “Well, that’s your problem right there. You started cheating on her and now decide to to the right thing? No wonder she cheated on you!”

          His response? “So, you’re taking her side, huh?”

          I looked at him with a blank stare and said “I do find it funny that the basis of your whole relationship was based on indiscretions. But you’re butthurt about her doing it. Kill yourself!” LMAO!!!

          • AYFKM

            You and I would get along just fine. I can’t stand people who speak in a string of pleasantries. Beating around the bush. Pussyfooting. People are only offended when you strike a nerve. People who are honest with themselves will laugh when you call them out. “Yeah. I’m a brat. Your point being?” The only thing that really offends me is when someone tries to bullish me. That really grinds my gears.

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              You know the old saying, people would rather hear a pretty lie instead of the ugly truth. That’s very true in this day and age.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              Same here. I hate a pussyfooter.

          • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

            ~ Knowing me, If I have something to say, believe me I am going to say it- kindness, courtesy and tact be damned.

            i bet this is why people tell you their business. they want you to tear the bandaid off, even if they can’t fully admit it ..

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              However, the trouble lies in them asking me for advice and then getting mad because I didn’t tell them what they wanted to hear. What the hell?

              • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

                (smile)

                they know full well and good you gonna call them out; that’s why they are compelled come to you.

                but then when they hear your words, their ego freaks out because they are not ready for the truth, but they cannot resist playing themselves.

                of course they blame you. they blame everyone for their poor choices, and they stay lying to themselves. rationalizing is a nitemarish existence.

                i’m with you on removing #problemfolk from all aspects of my life. not just romance, but friendship and work. misery infects and sickness is highly contagious.

                • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

                  “i’m with you on removing #problemfolk from all aspects of my life. not just romance, but friendship and work. misery infects and sickness is highly contagious.”

                  There are just some things a relationship can’t fix- misery is one of them. I’ve seen people who were miserable without a relationship and when they got into one, they were still miserable. Can’t win for losing, I say…

          • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

            “To them- men or women- it’s always a case of the blame game. It’s an easy game to play when it concerns the topic of love, but what people fail to realize is that eventually, you’re going to have to look in the mirror at some point. That’s a sad reality not many are willing to face. That’s why I strayed from commenting on anything about relationships. People want the advice, but they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions.”

            Written again for emphasis!!!! And this absolutely applies to both genders.

            • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

              @Ms. Shamira:
              It applies to both genders, *but NOT equally*. This is hugely, hugely important.

              In Black relationship circles – of which VSB is most definitely a part – such concerns are evidenced far and away MORE, by Black Women, than are Black Men – and Panama and Champ are living proof of this fact. Both have regular writing posts at other venues and websites, where they routinely discuss issues of important and interest to Black Women, often prompted by them specifically, and requested of them to discuss thus and so.

              Not the case for/with Black Men, even when this venue, among others, are no stranger to Black male commenters, participation and input.

              In sum: this is mainly, in de facto terms, a (Black) female concern…

              O.

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              That’s why I stated it to men and women. The refusal to be held accountable is very gender neutral, not gender specific. I’ve seen just about as many men posess poor decision making as much as women.

              Whenever I see a person- regardless of gender- attempt the blame game, I ask them a question the refuse to answer. I ask them this:

              “Okay, you’ve been hurt and you’ve pointed the finger. Now what? What’s next for you? Will you move on? Will you make better choices in a mate? What’s next on the game plan?”

              THe silence is deafening…

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      I don’t like to b tch about things, or even keep talking about the moves I’m making, you’ll know I was looking for a new job when I start, you’ll know i was dieting when I look noticeably slimmer, you’ll know I’m done with ol girl when I bring a new chick to the cookout

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Understandable. I’m pretty much the same way.

    • h.h.h.

      word. i’m learning to just stfu and keep quiet unless asked.

  • K. Marie

    Love the “Class Act” reference. It’s my second favorite Kid N Play movie. IJS….when you gonna play with my froggy?!?! Lol

    My ridiculous advice? Most people who are fans of a particular West Coast NBA team are horrible in relationships. You’ve been warned.

    • Malik

      This is most likely completely sound advice. I can’t see many upsides dating them.

      • IcePrincess

        How bout them Knicks? Looool

    • prissychrissy23

      So true those types of people are horrible in general lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I do think that its okay to think that people who like certain athletes or sports teams are the devil spawn. That sounds like pure reason and logic.

      For instance, I hate the Ohio State Buckeyes b/c I’m a Michigan fan. I cannot for the life of me see how any self-respecting person would go to OSU. And I didn’t even go to Michigan. lol

  • DG

    I think Damon had a good one in an older post…I believe it was in reference to the oft-discussed lists that some women (and men too) create to describe what they want in a mate…

    ‘If you limit your options, your options will be limited’

    Sh*t is simple enough, but poignant as hell.

    • nillalatte

      I can dig that! Yes, I said dig. LOL

    • AfroPetite

      I like that

    • msdebbs

      ‘If you limit your options, your options will be limited’

      I’m quite content with limited options at this point…it’s just some bull shiggity I rather not deal with.

      • DG

        Nothing wrong with that, as long as you recognize and accept it. I’m all for having standards, esp. if you know what you’re willing (or not willing) to put up with.

        The limited options statement is more applicable to people who have these long “wish lists” for their mate…(“he gotta be at least 6’3″, built/athletic, college-educated, pulling in at least $150K/yr” wish lists). If that’s your list, cool…more power to you. Just be ready to accept that your dating pool will likely be a lot smaller.

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

          Which reminds me- have you ever noticed the very same people with those laundry list of requirements don’t exactly meet the demands they put forth in the dating scene?

          • DG

            Yeah, man…most people like to date up, though, so it kinda makes sense.

          • Todd

            Church! Though in my experience, lists like that pop up after a chick has been burned. It’s like this defense shield that a woman puts up to protect herself. Ironically, they tend to make her more vulnerable, if only because any worthwhile man who meets those requirements has other, less defensive, options.

            • Negro Libre

              Women don’t know what they’re doing when they’re in love, which is why they rely on a man who knows what he’s doing to keep the ship-a-sailing. Love to women is like sex is to us: you only get good at it when you can maintain your composure and keep your eagerness in check. A lot of women are too eager for love, and thus suck at it, because they don’t know how to handle themselves when they get carried away…so when they get burned, they write lists, not for men but for themselves to artificially compose themselves…yet few women will ever tell you that they actually paid attention to their lists and got what they wanted. Like most things women do when it comes to love, it’s much more about feeling secure than taking action to be secure.

              • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

                Uh…shots fired?

                • Negro Libre

                  Mirrors don’t shoot, they only reflect.

              • Kema

                “A lot of women are too eager for love, and thus suck at it, because they don’t know how to handle themselves when they get carried away…”

                Ouch

              • Wild Cougar

                You’ve never know a woman who could handle herself? That’s unfortunate.

                • Negro Libre

                  I actually thought you were asking me a question.

              • SweetSass

                Maybe you just date airheads? I don’t see how you are qualified to speak on “Women.”

                • Negro Libre

                  You don’t need to be an expert to know what women or men are doing in America (it’s easier than it is in other countries, since more Americans spend time immersed in their media than in their communities, thus they are more influenced by their media than by their peers), simply read the magazines that cater to them, or the books they read in bulk, or the TV shows that cater to them, or the gossip sites they visit on the regular.

                  Unlike us, marketeers, advertisers, PR cater to things as they are, they care less of our rationalizations for why they are. When you go through all of that, it becomes quite simple to understand that most women simply don’t understand love, not to mention that for centuries other women writers have actually addressed the same exact thing, but hey, I have a peen so I’m not qualified to say anything critical about women …

                  • mena

                    Critics and condescension are not one in the same.

                  • Negro Libre

                    @Mena

                    Someone who buys into a myth, is always going to feel that they are being addressed in a condescending manner, when someone who doesn’t believe in the myth criticizes it.

                    America is a nation of myths, hell the whole economic and political system rotates around myths, and since most Americans have never lived outside their country, they tend to not see them and the ones who do tend to over-exagerate them and turn them into conspiracy theories.

                    No where is this more obvious than in American women, even SweetSass admitted this once when I said that it’s American women who drive commercial culture – her response was of course it wasn’t women’s fault, they were being manipulated. American women are under so many myths it’s ridiculous. Many of them are partially aware of this, but they marginalize it as oppression and dismiss it, and do nothing about it, or then they just come up with a new myth like fat acceptance, so they can feel better about the fact that most fat women are viewed as pumps and dumps by men in this country, (especially among white guys. )

                    I guess when you’ve been to places all over the world, and have seen the harsh realities people deal with on the regular, it becomes quite annoying to see how people view being a victim as strength or being oppressed as something worthy of a medal…when such mentalities lead to death and suicide in the real world. In the real world, you know that people want power over you, and they always will and it’s your responsibility to protect yourself.

                    American women are much more capable of what they currently are, and they’ve been given a lot of power to contribute and save this crumbling society, yet their desire to feel good and find salvation in victimhood, rather than address and attack their demons does nothing but contribute to the decline of communities all over the country, regardless of race…and I apologize if I attack this mentality ferociously, like I do other mythologies that I feel do more harm than good.

                    For the record, everything I say about women, especially the stuff you find condescending, are things that I find are basic, but can be changed through vigilance and self-discipline, which many women have and reap the benefits for; but any outside looking in, would easily tell you and see, that the vast majority of American women are lacking in those two aformentioned virtues and the costs continue to be drastic.

                    • mena

                      I never talked about buying or not buying into any myth. I never spoke about feeling powerful in victimhood.

                      What I do find in your writings is that you view women in such a narrow minded way. You write well so people sing your praises but all i see are broad generalizations and equating women to children. I wouldn’t be surprised if you do this to men as well. Usually people who are all knowing and “worldly” are usually arrogant with their ignorance.

                      Again, I see this every time a discussihappens on relationships and I already know the way you will approach the topic when it comes to women: we are childish, live in imaginary worlds, have temper tantrums, have no control over ourselves, emotions, or mind, need the guidance of strong men to lead us and we are to be pitied b/c we are mentally and emotionally weak.

                    • Negro Libre

                      My style of writing is very basic and it’s wrapped up in a quote, I made a long time ago: “The message is more important than your feelings.”

                      A lot of times O makes comments on here, and the criticism he gets on his comments, isn’t that people disagree with him, but rather they have problems with his tone and delivery, and that if he only changed how the message was delivered, that he would get more people to his side. People who say things like that are basically saying: “I know what you’re saying is true, but because you said it in a way I don’t like, I’m going to dismiss it.”

                      When a person is trying to win people to their side, when a person wants to lead other people or wants followers, he appeals to their emotions, their feelings, their empathy etc. I’m not interested in being a leader. I’m interested in exposing people to the myths they buy into on a daily basis, that prevents them from taking full control of their lives and being autonomous individuals…that doesn’t happen when one seeks to appeal to the ego and feelings primarily.

                      Children always look for someone to tell them what to do, they feel weak, like they’re victims and that the world is unfair to them and they are powerless to do anything about it, unless they join a peer group or a clique of like minded people. If people are acting that way, it is silly and deceptive to address them like they are not. If people are doing something childish, and one addresses them like adults they are giving tolerance to such actions.

                      I used to say here a lot that I was interested in truth; I might be arrogant about my opinions, but I will change them in a second, if someone reveals the truth and when I’m wrong, because that’s what I care about and is really the only reason to comment here for me, after all one expects that they are communicating with smart people on here, not people looking for a leader.

                      When I posted my one blog post here, I told Champ that I respected him, because I knew how much editing he had to do, to have this blog and I honestly don’t think I could because it would bore me, and I would actually become condescending, I write the way I do because I believe people are better than their emotions and their ego, if all I did was to appeal to that I feel like I would be wasting my time, just to be liked.

                    • mena

                      It’s sad and telling that you view women as mere children. It says more about you if these are the type of women you interact with and attract on a daily basis.

                      I remember your post. The one where you opened with all women are wh0res. Ignorance is bliss.

                    • Negro Libre

                      @Mena

                      Smh, indeed it is. Especially, when one insists on being intellectually dishonest, like your last statement just revealed.

                    • mena

                      Sorry. You’re right. You said women were either h0s or mothers. I apologize. You also mentioned how we were mentally weak. *shrug*

              • mena

                I am always amazed at the sheer arrogance you display when you speak about women.

                Always.

                • Negro Libre

                  You should hear the arrogance I use when I talk about men, or American public schools, or mental health institutions…the list goes on.

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              That’s what I thought about when I was told to watch a few episodes of “What Chilli Wants”. When Chilli had that long ass lists of requirements, I just knew someone had to hurt her. When she went to the therapist and told everything, I was astonished at the level of her “daddy issues” and clingy behavior, LMAO!!

              • Todd

                Don’t I know it. I’ve learned about the list thing through hard-earned painful experience. LOL

          • Eps

            You are 2-2 today

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            If folks were real about who they were and what they SHOULD be expecting, then life would be easy. And life can’t be easy. B/c easy wouldn’t be life.

            #deep

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              Just so you know, I’m stealing that…

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                godspeed.

        • msdebbs

          my dating requirements don’t include anything you listed. I want simple things like man that doesn’t have a mouth full of gold teeth and would actually like to get married someday. I’m not that superficial.

          • IcePrincess

            Smile for me daddy/ wutchu lookin at/I wanna see ya grill/you wanna see my what?/ya, ya grill,ya ya, ya grill :)

          • Sahel

            But how would you know am a baller if i aint rockin gold teeth

            • Kema

              Duh…. By you standing next to your souped up car.

              • Sahel

                Nah,the teeth are more personal,when we smack lips you taste my wealth

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              good question.

  • Malik

    I wasn’t actually have a conversation on #1 a couple days ago.

    • Malik

      was*

      • Malik

        and having. I am bad with words.

    • AfroPetite

      Do fucking better Malik.

      • Jay

        Gasp! She said the F word!! What’s happening right now??

      • Breezy

        Potty mouth…go to time out! *points to corner*

        Mena: Why aren’t you paying attention to these babies?!?!?

        • mena

          :-(

        • Afropetite

          *hangs head* :-( ok

      • Sahel

        I demand the right to swear like AP and not get locked up in moderation city. Equality

      • SweetSass

        You can type that and I end up in moderation for what? SMH.

        • Afropetite

          The moderation gods smiled upon me last night ;-) I sacrificed much for this right.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        It is amazing how some sh*t slides thru. Perhaps I just hit the approve button and didnt read the comment.

      • Malik

        I have words for you.

        • SweetSass

          Oh snap!