So you know how on the road to riches and diamond rings, real nwords do real things? Well that’s the same way I feel about some of the relationship advice I’ve been given while I was holding back the years.
Exactly. Since everybody knows I’m a
motherf*cking monster, people like to drop off nuggets of wisdom. A lot of it is bad. I’m no stranger to bad advice, or good advice and doing the exact opposite. With that in mind, I’d like to share with you some ridiculous, but true, relationship advice. We kick nothing but actual factuals around these parts. Attention, some of this will be insensitive. So let me preface the whole post by saying, “no offense…” because if I say “no offense…” that means you can’t be offended. Capiche? Capiche.
1. If you don’t want to date ugly people, don’t talk to ugly people.
Most people, men and women, are average. I’m an average Joe. Perhaps even a wee bit below average since I’m of 3-status. I could have been a pilot, could have been a doctor. I could have been a pimp, could have been a mobster. But no, I’m a 3. Either way, I have had the fortune of making the acquaintance of women with whom I made macaroni due to the fact that they spoke to me. They gave me 3 seconds and I gave them 3 minutes. Maybe even 4. Point is, the reason you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover is because you don’t know what lies beneath. The problem is that man and womankind are largely superficial even if folks don’t want to admit this in public space. It’s okay. I’m only human, flesh and blood, a man. It’s so simple its stupid. But its true. Let Panama Jackson be your cuationary tale. It can happen to you.
2. Don’t take financial advice from a homeless person, but listen anyway.
So one of THE stupidest plots in movie history is in Tyler Perry’s (shocker!) The Family That Preys where the homeless guy that Alfre Woodard is always helping is actually a financial genius who just hit a rough patch, but somehow through a brilliant story arch and excellent writing is a former Wall Street wunderkind who is advising Alfre on her portfolio. Look…we just talked about judging a book by its cover and all and, well, yeah. But seriously, if a homeless guy is giving you financial advice just wait til somebody who isn’t holding a cardboard sign that says “will rap for food” gives you the same nugget. Same goes with NOI members telling how to season your porkchops. That should not come from memory. What am I getting at here? When taking relationship “advice” just listen to the spirit, not the letter. I realize I’m preaching the choir, but most time advice isn’t wrong, we just get wrapped up in the messenger. Which is fair. But its not…point is…everybody can do wisdom. Everybody just isn’t good at specifics.
3. If you have any relationship ambiguity with a person, do not drive for longer than 2 hours anywhere, especially after dark.
According to Duncan Pinderhughes/Blade Brown, learning about cars is a form of examining human reproductive behavior via one if its many procreatory environs. Or something. Well, not only is it a good place bone
when you’re 17 its also one of the most intimate settings you can have with somebody. For one, its you, them and the open road. People do a lot of thinking in the car and if you somebody is sitting there that you have feelings for or vice versa, well at some point during a long car ride, its going to be awkward if those things aren’t discussed. Plus you’re stuck. Somebody has something to say, you’re gonna hear it. And there’s nothing you can do about it. If you ain’t ready to discuss something with somebody, don’t do the car ride. Actually, 2 hours is a long time in a car with a person who has something they want to get off their chest. So basically, put them on public transit.
4. If you think you go together, you probably do until somebody says that you don’t.
Some of the funniest conversations that I seem to have nowadays center around the general confusion about what is really happening with new boos. Like. I’d give you examples, but then I might incriminate at least 47 people I know. That’s no bueno. Incrimination is not whats hot in these streets. Point is, if you have to have a conversation about what’s really going on, there’s a good chance that you got together. If you can be a hashtag, you probably are a hashtag. Remember that and you’ll go far in life.
5. Read VSB. You will live long and prosper.
What you got? What totally sound but semi-ridiculous advice to you have to share with the people. And P-I-M-P but why?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. BONG BONG aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3