proceed with caution
here at vsb.com, we pride ourselves on providing services for the common folk. advice, humor, insight, pipe, wisdom, criticism…like your friendly neighborhood pusha, we have everything you need.
in the past couple months, the champ has gone out quite a few times for, ummmm, “research“, to examine common clubbing behaviors. what he found surprised, shocked, aroused, and amazed him, especially the vast number of faux pas he witnessed every night
so, as another service, the champ has decided to provide a few tips on how to act when youre out, your bar-hopping behavior, your nightclub decorum, your parking lot protocol.
he’s not saying that you hafta follow these to a t, but it would be wise to listen if you want to get into heaven.
1. yes, women. regardless of how aggressively uncute or swaggerless the guy might be, if he buys you a drink you owe him at least 90 seconds of conversation…unless, of course, he begins the convo by saying “this martini is dry, isn’t it? you know what i bet is the exact opposite? your pu**y”
2. fellas, remember, female bartenders are like strippers. she’s nice to you because she wants a bigger tip…just not the tip you have in mind
3. it is perfectly okay to just go behind a woman and start grinding if any of the following music is playing:
any dancehall reggae or soca
any bass music
any rap produced by any of the following people: lil john, mannie fresh, luke, swiss beats, scott storch, dr. dre, or just blaze
any song that could very easily be found on one of your college boning mixtapes
ladies, if any of these songs come on and you just want to dance with your girls, sit your prissy asses at the bar and grind on the stools
4. fellas, if you ask a woman to dance and she declines, dont ask again, and definitely don’t just stand behind her and wait for the song change to hopefully change her mind. find someone else, you f*cking lame
5. everyone gets one “i’ve had waaaaaaaaaay too much to drink, and, if my crew doesn’t step in i’m probably going to end the night either in jail or with an std” mulligan per every 9 months. just one. after this, your crew doesn’t have any more babysitting obligations
6. fellas, its probably not a good idea to be noticeably hard before you even dance with the chick. getting noticeably hard during your personal grind session? well, like sexual harassment charges, this basically depends on how attractive you are
7. if approaching a group (three or more) of women to offer drinks, you must either only buy a drink for the one youre specifically interested in, or the entire crew. no inbetweens
this…
“bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?
…isn’t cool. funny, but uncool.
i know i’m missing a ton. good people of vsb.com, would you mind helping a smart brotha out? what else should be on the list?
—the champ
“bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?”
LOL! Please tell me that guys don’t do this. This is a good list. I would just add that if we dance to one song, it doesn’t mean that we are dancing the whole night. I don’t like it when guys get possessive.
“I would just add that if we dance to one song, it doesn’t mean that we are dancing the whole night. I don’t like it when guys get possessive.”
maybe he just thinks you have a soft booty
haha!
Guys do this. Its is funny. It also shows how weak some female friendships are cause it doesn’t bother some girls when this happens.
I fux with sneakers in the club! (The appropriate sneakers, with the appropriate outfit, in the appropriate clubs…) Much better for dancing than stilletoes…
“I fux with sneakers in the club! (The appropriate sneakers, with the appropriate outfit, in the appropriate clubs…) Much better for dancing than stilletoes…”
just so people don’t think you’re the non sequitur queen, i wanted to let everybody know that i originally had something in there about chicks with sneakers, but i edited it out
women with sneakers in the club!? really?! What club would this be? Clearly one where you come out dirtier than when you entered.
I only wear flats on the metro and sneakers at the gym or picnic..
Other than that I will be in heels, wedges, espadrilles….something to give my 5’1 self some height..
Plus dont men prefer women in some nice heels? I went to a bar once after work (with flats) and a guy said, “your cute.. but I didnt notice your legs til you sat on the barstool..never wear flats again”
note taken …
Happy FRIDAY VSB!
“Plus dont men prefer women in some nice heels?”
i do
I could give a sh!t as long as they dont look ugly
I DO!
4″ Heels are a plus.
Wedges, Espadrilles, Platforms are aight.
Flats and Sneakers – if she wears that to a club, she’s telling the world she’s low maintenance. And most cats prefer that. A laid back/down 4 mines kinda chick. (well that’s what the party line is anyway)
Give me the chick that take 2 hours* to get ready, damn near miss the whole event, but when she gets there, she’s so feeling her shit cause she’s the best looking girl @ the party.
*if she look too good, she might get jumped before we step out the door, word to the wise. Many a girlfriend has had to reapply the lipgloss
I’m with you Jolie Fatale, I honestly can’t think of a ‘club’ where a chick could get away with sneakers. Not even a lounge really.
Man honestly, as long as a chick fine and carries herself well…she could d@mn near wear some Bozo the Clown shoes and get away with it.
cosign. shoes are not that important. no one is fucking shoes
“no one is fucking shoes”
i’m sure somebody is, somewhere.
that weird mofo shouldnt be catered to
I always wear heels to the club even if my feet are hurting. It looks cuter with the outfits and gives me some height (I’m 5’4″). I didn’t know clubs let women in with sneakers.
clubs let women in if they look fuckable. I only see girls get turned away if they are already wasted or they look too fugly
You know, I always wondered why women care about their height as it pertains to the 4 + inch heels. Don’t get me wrong, I love a woman in heels…THOROUGHLY, but I’ve yet to hear a dude trip on a chick being too short.
As much as I hate this saying…that’s bitchassness if a dude says you’re too short for him to get at.
Disclaimer: If the dude is abnormally tall or the female abnormally short…maybe.
AkShone, I have had women express this (wanting to be taller) to me also. I understand women’s preference for a tall guy, but why do they wish to be taller also?? Can someone explain this?
I love heels, but women wanting longer legs is kinda crazy to me.
For females heels set the difference between women and girls. Wearing a nice set of stems is a turn on to most men, and for women it gives us confidence, shapes the legs and the booty (always a plus), and generally adds to our swag.
I could never hit a club in some sneakers. To me thats blasphemy, like women who go to the club with a head-wrap or no make-up. Ew.
Dom, I agree. I NEVER wear sneakers out. When I met my boyfriends father (who is quite the character) one of the first things he checked was whether I had on heels. He told me that real women wear heels……..
i’m 23 and just started wearing makeup this year. heels i started maybe year before last. before that i just didnt go to parties. i dont feel a certain way about other people who dont wear this or that, i just know i look better when i do…
as for the whole real women wear heels bit, i was raised by wolves but dont consider myself the least bit imaginary so the fact that i only wore sneakers and jeans til college doesnt make me a “not real woman.” it just took me longer, lol.
I’m 5 foot 4 and dated a man that was 6 foot 10. We worked that 18 inch difference out nicely.
My current boocakes is 6 foot 4 … something about tall …. nevermind I won’t continue.
Women with sneakers in the club are not my cup of tea. If I’m purposely trying to catch a hoodrat by visiting a ‘hood rat-ish’ spot, then ok. Otherwise, not ok.
Heels are always a plus. But know how to walk in heels before you go putting them on. It’s such a turn off to see a woman trying to walk in heals and loolking like she is walking on a tight rope trying to balance and ish. Glide with it be gracefull like a real woman should or get some flats.
yea, another reason why i wouldnt be caught dead in a pair of stillettos… i walk like bambi. i will however trot like a hussy in some wedges, lol.
@Jolie. My girl and I actually did an experiment on “do guys notice your shoes in the club” and the answer turned out to be no. Therefore, we started wearing comfortable flats/boots with holes and scuffs and we could dance all night comfortably. As long as we had on pants showing off the bubble or low cut shirts… dudes never noticed the shoes.
I credit this study to not having corns or bonions
you know, we dont notice…but we do, lol
i guess what i’m saying is that we (guys) notice noticeable chicks. if she’s killin them in her heels we notice, and we also notice if her ass game is on point, regardless of her shoe game.
this made alot more sense in my head
I get what you saying. I guess some folsk differ but to me the shoes can only subtract they dont add any points. I’m not gonna pick one girl over the other cause you think you got on better shoes unless her shoes are talking..
I always get noticed for my heels… it helps that I inherited my father’s athletic legs. I have killer legs! Several of my male in laws and male cousins, along with my sister in law and her female friends also agree, my dad even told me once (one night I was headed out to the club and had a pit stop to make at the parents, I was wearing my favorite pair of stilletos and my dad said to me “damn you going to kill them with those legs tonight” its was a strange moment but I got over it with the help of my pychiatrist). I don’t own any shoes to wear out to a club that have less than a 3 inch heel.
I’m glad you can wear flats—they do nothing for me.
Plus I like to wear my 3 inch heels so I can really tower over the competition…lol
Sneaks in a club? I agree with Jolie. The only club this is acceptable in is one that is so filthy, you have to wipe your shoes off before you exit. To expound on the footwear discussion, I don’t care how bad your feet hurt ladies…your shoes could be making your feet bleed! Doesn’t make a difference. It is NEVER acceptable to take your shoes off in a club. EVER! Try sitting down, or shifting your weight from one foot to the other in 30-60 second intervals. Invest in some shoe inserts. Or better yet, stop buying cheap ass shoes. Fellas, if you see a barefoot woman in a club RUN. She’s nasty and probably has a filthy house…and other things.
I would only wear sneaks to the hole in the wall, beacuse I probably wouldn’t dress up anyway.
What if you bring your flip-flops in your purse? No? *goes to sit in the corner*
…and don’t heels give you more leverage when you are dancing less than holy? *looks around* Well maybe thats just me! lol
I got the swagger (yes, I’m a chick and I got swag) to rock sneakers in a club. I haven’t since college but I have no prob rocking flats on them nights when I’m forced to go.
Deal with it.
Em…I gotta call bullshit on this one…I can’t “drop down low and sweep the floor with it” in flats/sneakers…the incline of the heel gives better leverage for the rebound…I may be biased because I only own two actual pairs of tennis shoes…but the physics of heels vs flats speaks for itself…
I tried clubbing with flats……….once! That was the end of that story because somehow I didn’t feel my usual fabulosity. Just something they add to the outfit and dancing……… just know it make the dipping it low alot more seductive and I’m sure it’s well appreciated by the guys………;-)
Guys:
Make note of which girls are together, it is not the hotness/all the rage/biz to ask two girls in the same crew/car/circle for their number and you will more than likely get clowned or cussed out or a highly entertaining combination of the two……
Women:
Don’t get mad if you are treated like a hooker/slut/skank if you are wearing a whore’s uniform, just charge the comments and gawking/hawking to the game and keep it moving…..
well i dont think they have nothing to say if they wear a outfit that gets them called out because when the outfit was hanging up in the store if said WHORE all over it. They just want the “right cutie” to come and try to holla at them. I hate when women get mad and want to scream rape.
“Make note of which girls are together, it is not the hotness/all the rage/biz to ask two girls in the same crew/car/circle for their number and you will more than likely get clowned or cussed out or a highly entertaining combination of the two……”
so if one of the crew is feeling you, and you just happened to be unlucky enough to approach the wrong one, the entire crew is off-limits for the rest of the night?
Life isn’t fair, that’s the crap shoot you take, we don’t like to feel like we are the second or third choice, it’s a bit of a pride thing… and pride usually is irrational at best….
you gotta suck that up let that pride thing go.
Mud ducks have no reason to be proud. If you were picked second it was for a reason. If you don’t like being picked second or third you should get uglier friends.
hahahahah ..true ..
hence my free romp rule from the other day. Cuts both ways.
“hence my free romp rule from the other day”
please expound
oh yeah nobody likes to not feel wanted @ the first meeting. Therefore @ the first opportunity you got to give an obligatory romp.
“oh yeah nobody likes to not feel wanted @ the first meeting. Therefore @ the first opportunity you got to give an obligatory romp.”
thanks. i learn something new everyday
btw not really a rule I just wish it was.
Alise, I totally agree with you’re ‘uniform’.
Oh and can we add that if the guy has a “wingman” at least have him be a bit attractive, lol!
“Oh and can we add that if the guy has a “wingman” at least have him be a bit attractive, lol!”
i touched on this a bit last week, that people should probably only go clubbing with friends who are somewhat close to their “score”. by “people” i meant “women”, but i guess i see your point.
the whore uniform, IMO, is subjective. there are certain things a thin girl can wear that make her look “classy” and expensive, that if a thicker girl wears, makes her look slutty. that essentially goes for everything, now that i think about it. if i put my f-cups in a low cut polo i got “my titties hanging out”, while IBTC with her pushup bra is showin mad sternum.
also, if i wear a pair of skinny jeans and some heels, i get chased in the club liek i got a steak attached to my behind. slim girls, im pretty sure dont have that problem.
my point is you dont necessarily have to be wearing clear heels and coochie cutters to be approached as if you are available for sex.
Gah. I don’t do these kinds of clubs. I do lounges, if I do anything. If you find me in the club, I am there for a specific purpose (like visiting P at his club, or because my boo asked me to go, sumthin!)
I knew I wasn’t the only one…haven’t done this kind of club in years lol. Though Champ’s post definitely has some um, good advice and sh*t.
these rules are applicable for any scene, whether its a club, lounge, party, bar etc, etc.
I never understood why a dude would ask his girl to go to a club. I just don’t see the point.
“hey baby let’s go to the club so I can’t talk to you over the loud music. Micelaneous ninjas will try to holla at you when you go to the bathroom or something , I can buy you over priced drinks, and I aint allowed to look at Keisha that just walked in even though her booty is bangin in that cat suit”
I call Shenanigans!
that is b.s.
dudes go to the club to meet girls to bang.
“I never understood why a dude would ask his girl to go to a club. I just don’t see the point.
“hey baby let’s go to the club so I can’t talk to you over the loud music. Micelaneous ninjas will try to holla at you when you go to the bathroom or something , I can buy you over priced drinks, and I aint allowed to look at Keisha that just walked in even though her booty is bangin in that cat suit”
I call Shenanigans!”
i bet you theres a little baby in some hood right now whose mother named her “shenanigans”, and for the rest of her life, whenever people say that, she’ll be expecting phone calls
“bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?
Please tell me u didn’t actually hear someone say that.
Please.
““bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?
Please tell me u didn’t actually hear someone say that.
Please.”
i will if you don’t mind me lying, lol
Wow.
I’m floored.
Guys still buy drinks for strangers with hopes of getting a little bit of time with her?? WTF!!
“Guys still buy drinks for strangers with hopes of getting a little bit of time with her?? WTF!!”
lol, i forgot you were the drink nazi
lol. I’m not opposed to buying a drink for someone. I just feel that women shoudn’t feel entitiled to a ‘drink’ in exchange for conversation or a dance. If I’ve talked to you and built a rapport, then there’s nothing wrong with it.
A lot of chicks expect that off the jump though, yet they exclaim their ‘independence’.
GTFOH!!
I was at a little party about 2 weeks ago and this broad came up to me and had the nerve to say
“I hope I am not being too forward but will you buy me a drink”
with a light chuckle I said
“I’ll see what I can do about that”
Got up and left.
you should have said “I hope I am not being to forward but would you suck my balls”
THAT woulda been classic…she shoulda drank fo’ she left the house…or car…lol…I hate thirsty hoes!
“I’ll see what I can do about that”
Got up and left.
LMAO!!!!
@ conscience: hi you don’t know me yet but you are my new E-crush
I am with Monk on this. I have never purchased a girl a drink in the club. Unless she was one of my homegirls or something or my girl.
Right!! If it’s your home girl or someone you KNOW, then cool. A guy going around buying drinks for every chick (or multiple chicks) they find attractive is lame.
As GK would say, it is tricking EVEN if you got it.
you know what, i hear horror stories about this all the time, but ive honestly never been played by a chick i bought a drink for. my “drink purchase” to “eventually bagging” rate is actually 100 percent, so i guess my perspective on this is a little different.
@ CHAMP…perspective…schmerspective…that just means you have “dick-dar” and discernment to be able to make a sound investment in said beverage purchase with an impressively flawless ROI!
don’t bring your side hustle to the club….
i had some random ass ghanian from jersey come up to me in a club once, asking me if i model and handing me a card for his magazine/agency/laundromat/western union transfer… wtf? i came here to dance and drink, not give you $500 that i’ll “make a huge profit on”… *smh at my fellow west africans*
i have a separate container in my crib for all the business cards i get in the club. i’ve named this container “the trash can”
@CHAMP…the cards I pull don’t even make it to the crib…lol…but that shit was FUNNY as hell…
My cousin sells shoes where ever he goes and gets paid. He puts everyone in his radius in new J’s or Air Force ones. He sold a preggo chick some Air Force/Jordan hybrids at the maternity ward. I was so proud.
dying @ the Air Jordan Force Hybrids.
you never heard of em? I got a green and white pair.
I recently moved still finding my circle and hook ups ya dig
gotcha I recently went thru the same thing
Hey wait a minute? @ the maternity ward? *turn head sideways making confused grunt* Your girl expecting?
o no. no kids for me. I was with my cousin cause he had to visit his girls sister at the maernity ward and he didnt wanna roll solo. He didnt wanna be stuck chatting it up with her family.
i forgot what i was gonna say
This almost made me spray my screen with tea…
LOL-I like this! This definitely put a smile on my face this morning. How about…
Fellas-don’t grab a female’s arm when they’re passing you in an attempt to drag them back your way.
Breath mints/gum/Tic Tacs/Breath strips-whatever floats your boat, have some on you! In the club, you have to be extremely close to someone when trying to converse. When the breath is hot and extra tart, it’s time to roll! Roll AWAY from you!
Umm…I know I have a few more, but I wanted to put those up before I forgot! I shall return (if I can)!
Fellas-don’t grab a female’s arm when they’re passing you in an attempt to drag them back your way.”
i saw one of the most amazing things ive ever seen before with this. at some club a few years ago, a crew of chicks walked by me and my boys. one of my boys tried the arm grab with one of the chicks, who then in one motion spun around on some ninja shit and smacked my man in his cheek with her purse, and did this all without breaking stride, saying a word, or changing her facial expression.
LOL! That is hot to death! Grabbing, especially now that i’m grown, is the worst.I’d be scared to do like homegirl though…wrong dude will beat your ass.
“LOL! That is hot to death! Grabbing, especially now that i’m grown, is the worst.I’d be scared to do like homegirl though…wrong dude will beat your ass.”
you know, we still havent let him forget that shit. for at least 2 years after that incident, he was known as “purseface”
This almost made me get kicked out the movie theatre during the stupid commercials they show now! ROTFL!!!!
Wow!
Ha, I love it! Can she post a video on youtube showing that move?
“Ha, I love it! Can she post a video on youtube showing that move?”
if youtube existed back then, i’m sure it would have been up there
ROTF!!
NO SUNGLASSES IN THE CLUB. PERIOD.
i agree with this as well, but seemingly we’re a dying breed. that seems to be the in thing these days. oh well…i guess you gotta choose your battles
Sunglasses in the club=lameness or blindness.
Unless it’s your birthday. It seems as though you can do anything you want if it’s your birthday.
My birthday is next week…I might do it.
“Unless it’s your birthday. It seems as though you can do anything you want if it’s your birthday. ”
birthdays are automatic mulligans
I concur.
@Jarrod. CO-SIGN. That needs to be a t-shirt real talk. I hate seeing men/women with sunglasses in the club. REALLY? The disco ball is THAT bright????
THANK YOU!!!! I hate this ish.
it’s my personal opinion that only 5 people in the world are allowed to wear sunglasses at night: p. diddy, mariah, kanye, j.lo, and a birthday guy/girl. can’t stand it!
also, ladies: please don’t wear daytime dresses at night! if you can wear it at sunday brunch or easter, it doesn’t belong in the club. period.
P. Diddy is in a PERPETUAL blind state. That fool’s sunglasses are like hair to Samson. i wonder what would happen if someone took them off.
Mariah Carey – She is a FOOL all around so her wearing sunglasses at night is the LEAST of her issue.
tips to follow when u clubbing, bar hopping, lounging out:
1.) ladies bring enough money so u can buy me drinks all night and urself too if you’re thirsty.
2.) bring a good attitude. nobody wants to look at your smarmy ass all night.
3.) dress appropriate for your bodystyle. (i.e NOT in clothes too big or too small that won’t actually flatter your body)
4.) bathe.
5.) in fact, shit shower, shave and half bathe. ladies this includes u too.
6.) don’ stay glued to one spot all night like ur scared to move.
7.) if you didn’t come to party take ur ________ ass home. (just look like ur having a good time at least. see #2.)
8.) we can’t have an in depth conversation over the music so keep it short, to the point and witty (e.g. come dance wth me, ur sexy, hug yes?, say ur name, this shit is ass, let’s bounce.)
9.) bring condoms just in case. (awkward and time consuming stopping to get them.)
10.) if you want to start a fight call Roy Jones Jr or LailaAli.
11.) u need a tic tac don’t ya dam!
12.) 4 worsds, Breath Assure.
13.) ladies if you got crusty feet coverem up.
14.) leave the club before the lights come on even if ur just outside.
15.) if u shop the lot, post up outside on hoof. don’t drive around the block 15 times ass clown.
remember nobody owes you shit, respect is earned. one go round in life this aint no dress rehearsal so if you see something you like make it plain but don’t crowd and follow like a lost puppy. dam, can i breathe?
“5.) in fact, shit shower, shave and half bathe. ladies this includes u too.”
is there supposed to be a comma after “shit”?
comma only if ur civilized. LOL! don’t use my tub if ur an ape.
“is there supposed to be a comma after “shit”?”
“Shit shower”…I just laughed so loud, I fear my job is in jeopardy.
“8.) we can’t have an in depth conversation over the music so keep it short, to the point and witty (e.g. come dance wth me, ur sexy, hug yes?, say ur name, this shit is ass, let’s bounce.)” – Gangas Nigga u killin me!!!! LMMFAO
Genius Khan says: “1.) ladies bring enough money so u can buy me drinks all night and urself too if you’re thirsty.”
I don’t have a problem with this
I do have a problem with thirsty bytches coming to the club with no money to buy their own drink.
“I do have a problem with thirsty bytches coming to the club with no money to buy their own drink.”
this is another rule. never go out with less than 20 dollars on your person. if thats too steep to ask, then either pregame at the crib, or stay your broke ass at home
ammendment to said rule…
bring a minimum of $20 american CA$H…
don’t tell me you don’t want to put it on your card cause its only 10 or 12. Bring cash beeatch!!!
Is it ok to lick cleavage in the club? I’m not saying I’ve done this…I know a guy…the girl was cool with it. She let him do it again.
“like sexual harassment charges, this basically depends on how attractive you are”
Deviant says, “I’m not saying I’ve done this”. I call Bullshyt!! lol.
@Deviant. It’s barely okay to touch people in the club so a dude better NOT think about licking me. RUFKM? That dude might lose a tooth trying to put his mouth on me **gagging**
barely ok to be touched…..shenanigans!? Back in my youger days I can’t count the amount of t & a I’ve had in my hands in a club and I have never been assaulted in any way. I’d like to add that I am not an ugly man but I am not beautiful either. How do you come to a place full of drunk horny people and get mad when someone grabs you? I would think if no one grabs you that would be cause for concern. Then again I’m a guy and I dont have to worry about such things. Hooray manhood!
“Hooray manhood!”
this sounds like a good t-shirt in theory, but i think that slogan would cater more to gay men (not that theres anything wrong with that)
I woudln’t wear that shirt. I was thinking about red stripe when I typed that
This guy licked my cheek once. So I guess the cleavage move is okay.
This was during Mardi Gras though…so try at your own risk.
mwhahaaha was his name Rick James? Enjoy yourself
so lickin cheeks and lickin tiddies is equivalent?
this is why i dont go out… i dont like people touching me.
10 Concepts
1) Get the balls to step up and approach. You can’t hit a homerun if you don’t step up to the plate.
2) TALK LOUD – this is so under-rated. Whatever clever shit you have to say is competing with Shawty Lo and Lil Wayne.
3) Know the lay out of the club – bar, dance floor, bathrooms, couches, out door smoking area, exits.
I kinda like clubs were something could pop off – cats dance extra hard cause this might be they last night, but in such a situation know what’s up.
Also, get your parking game up.
And your after party game as well. The breakfast spot/late nite diner/taco truck/Boudin Man. And then slide on over to your crib – which can look like a pig sty, but the kitchen and bathroom are surgical sterile.
4) Don’t depend on liquid courage.
Get a drink or 2 to get in the mood, but you should be able to spit stone cold sober.
5) Stop buying these heiffers alcohol if you don’t know em! Get at least a good 10 minutes of convo out of em, before you simp out and by her an apple-tini. When you buy your friends a round, they get the 2nd one. Treat these fees like your friends.
And if you pimpin….she’ll buy you a drink first. (not that I endorse “pimpin”, but i’m just saying)
6) “Oh, I was @ the Heathrow Airport last night and….” ,<- stop with the “under the cover bragging”. If you’re trying to “sneak it in”, even dumb chicks are gonna see it for what it is.
If you’re rich, don’t tell people about it.
If you push a nice car, let them see you when you roll up or roll out, but don’t dangle them Kia Rio keys whilst holding your Patron.
If you get a lot of chicks, don’t like on your d*ck.
If you’ve been working out for 6 months, don’t wear them neon mockneck synthetic fabric t-shirts so you can show off your pecs.
By and large, women like subtlety. They like to discover things.
So if you’re a doctor, when you do the follow up call/e-mail, send it from your work email address with your sig.
If you’ve got a baller spot, invite her to a get together.
If you’ve got a 6 pack, let her discover that when you 2 connect.
Especially in this day and age when women (black women especially) have their own jobs, careers, houses, and nice cars.
You pushing a late model Lexus, and she just took delivery of an 09 Benz.
7) When you approach a group,
- mentally pick 1 chick you really want to talk to
- then talk to everyone in the group first.
If you don’t convince the whole crew that you’re a cool, one of them will hate, and pull off your shorty to “go dance” or “hit the ladies room”. She might even be feeling you, but her friends want to “keep her out of trouble”. – You don’t want to be trouble.
Usually the pit bull of the group will hate as soon as you step up. So you should prolly deal with her first, then other chicks second, and your chick last. (unless of course, the one you want is the pitbull. hehe, I likes me an alpha female with a smart mouth)
9) Chicks love to flirt and bask in attention…from A COOL CAT. They will tease, they will try to call you out on your shit, “that shirt is ugly”, “is that all you got”, “can you introduce me to your tall, rich, muscular friend” – you’ve got to roll with that shit and throw it back at them in a playful way. If you get all aggravated, or you keep looking @ them to see if they’re bored…. – game over.
Really, if some 5’5″ 120 lb chick can get you (@ 6’1″ and 200 lbs) all flustered by saying she really hates cats that buy shoes @ Aldo/Steve Madden – what does that say about you?
10) The first 9 were guidelines, ideas, concepts, things that work sometimes, and don’t work sometimes. A general philosophy if you will.
#10 is a rule.
Stop grabbing these chicks by the arm and yanking them over to you. Gorilla pimpin is not the move. Cats be waiting on the sidelines like Crocodiles on the Nile, waiting to snatch up a Gazelle.
Now if you young, and she young, and in that environment that’s just what chicks is used to – when in Rome (or Southside of Houston)….
But if you grown, (24+), you’ve got to hit her with the words before you can touch the flesh.
When you really got it poppin, eye contact is all you need. She’ll give you the go ahead – that eye contact lasts 2 nano-seconds longer than it should.
damn. good list, especially this…
“Really, if some 5?5? 120 lb chick can get you (@ 6?1? and 200 lbs) all flustered by saying she really hates cats that buy shoes @ Aldo/Steve Madden – what does that say about you?”
…and this…
“Usually the pit bull of the group will hate as soon as you step up. So you should prolly deal with her first, then other chicks second, and your chick last. (unless of course, the one you want is the pitbull. hehe, I likes me an alpha female with a smart mouth)”
Good List. This post already has me choking on my coffee. Can’t wait to see more contributions.
“Kia Rio”
“Gorilla pimpin is not the move. Cats be waiting on the sidelines like Crocodiles on the Nile, waiting to snatch up a Gazelle. ”
Hilarious!
LOL…good stuff.
Applaud this Man
This is a great list.
You, WestIndian Archie, are one VERY smooth brotha…(Sends e-panties)…
“3) Know the lay out of the club – bar, dance floor, bathrooms, couches, out door smoking area, exits.”
i overlooked this one. this is actually applicable for anywhere outside of your own home. always have an exit strategy
Yeah…I always look for the exits when I get there.
Unless it’s a hole in the wall.
One way in–one way out. That also makes it a bit more dangerous.
Don’t come to the club looking to continue an argument with your baby daddy/mama/SO.
I’ve seen a chick run up to her “baby daddy” mace him and run away. While it was highly amusing, I did not like having watery eyes the rest of the night. Leave that sh*t at home, or at least save it for the parking so I can enjoy it from the comforts of my own car.
This is SO TRUE!!
So mad at the mace! Two chicks were up at the DJ booth shouting out their kids one night and then yelled into the mic “F*ck BOTH our baby daddies!”
Please leave that ish at home!
“Two chicks were up at the DJ booth shouting out their kids one night and then yelled into the mic “F*ck BOTH our baby daddies!””
obviously two more women who have never (and will never) celebrate fathers day.
I don’t wanna be seeing yo ass in the club every weekend if you over 35 with kids, cause i might just get drunk enough for you to be an option, then I’m really F**kd (pun intended).
I don’t wanna see dudes dancing together in a group the whole night, that shit aint cool, it’s not getting you anywhere neither. I’m tired of seing these b**h-ass nigga mothereffers doing “the Homie” (or whatever finger snapping, South choreographed “gangsta” step is hot at the time), only to have them try to hit on my girl. I just wanna tell them they look stupid period!
@ The champ, nigga you live up to our name!!! i enjoy the blogg like a maf***r
“the homie”. that sh!t is funny
yeah, that’s freakin hilarious Sistanda! I *heart* Boondocks
I’m tired of seing these b**h-ass nigga mothereffers doing “the Homie” (or whatever finger snapping, South choreographed “gangsta” step is hot at the time), only to have them try to hit on my girl.
Not the “Homie” *laughs wildly at the imagery*
“I’m tired of seing these b**h-ass nigga mothereffers doing “the Homie” (or whatever finger snapping, South choreographed “gangsta” step is hot at the time), only to have them try to hit on my girl”
you know whats funny…i’ve never actually seen this in action (a group of guys in a circle snap dancing)
i’m thinking its urban legend, or maybe they just dont do that at the clubs in my cave
it happens down south
Regretfully agreeing…
*D@mn you, D4L*
Yes, come to Atlanta and that’s all you will see. I promise. And don’t go the “hood” clubs and let “Knuck if you buck” come on, cause then it will be time to clear the area–things can get a little rowdy.
That is my SHI!!!!!!
Oh man, good times good times. Im only like 120lbs but I can throw bows with the biggest boys when that song is on!
you know what though, i cant even front, that shit used to go on up here as well. i went to school in new york, back during the harlem shake phase, so i’ve definitely seen this shit in action.
also, “knuck if you buck” doesnt have shit on “ante up” or “superthug” on cats getting rowdy in the club. i once saw a n*gga pull down a chandelier at this ballroom cause the dj made the unfortunate decision to play “superthug”
Dayum…a chandelier? LMAO!!!
Nore had him crunk…for real.
Aight “Hey” by crucial conflict and “tear da club up” watch out “no need for the fight rip”
champ, don’t forget “wild out” by the Lox and “down 4 my ni**as” by C-murder. The party was officially over in jersey when those two records came on.
there’s way too many dances.
MyDougie
The Rack Daddy
The Johnny Bravo
The K-Wang
Cupid Shuffle
It’s a mess down here…lol
I forgot about the K-Wang. That one is just hilarious to watch grown men do.
There are WAYYY too many ghetto line dances
“@ The champ, nigga you live up to our name!!! i enjoy the blogg like a maf***r”
thanks and shit
Along the lines of no grabbing the arm, it goes without saying, no grabbing the ass or ‘accidentally’ brushing against it with your open palm and reflexively squeezing. Saying you ‘just couldn’t help it’ makes you sound 10.
What if I trip and I need to regain my balance by palming some booty? Is that not allowed? What if I see a bug? Can I slap it away?
LOL..nope! if you trip, then you just fall. If you see a bug, tap me on my *shoulder* and let me know.
Sorry I’m not risking my well being just because you are uncomfortable with random strangers grabbing your ass. If you don’t want your ass grabbed dont go to the club. Grabbing strange ass is what the club is for
Ironically, this has happened to me, but it wasn’t her @ss. I was at a packed lounge and was trying to get to the men’s room and had to cross the kitchen area where waiters had been crossing all night (while spilling various liquids). Anyway, I’m making my way through the crowd and I slip on the wet surface and in an effort to catch myself (and attempt to keep the remaining cool points I had before this physical mishap) I extended my arms out to catch the walls (or where I figured the walls would be). One hand catches the wall and the other catches the breast of an attractive (f*ck that…hella fine) innocent bystander who just so happen to be next to her boyfriend who was at least 6’14″ that resembled ol’ boy from the movie Life asking to about “yo, cownbread”. In my flustered attempt to apologize to her while looking at them (also simultaneously mentally preparing to duck if this cat swings on me) they both laugh at my wordplay to get myself out of this situation and assure me that it was ok and they understood. I was really embarrassed, but as I walked away, I couldn’t help but think how nice of a rack ol’ girl had. I’m not even a “t!tty man”, but umm hers were umm…nice.
see tiddies save lives
“tiddies save lives”
first t-shirt of the day
can I get a tally of my tshirt quotes?
u should a link to the t shirt quotes to date with a tally of the person wiuth the most quotes and then have visitors rank them (when you are ready to go to print) to print the most popular ones first. just a thought
“tiddies save lives”
That’s a GREAT t-shirt!!
@Deviant. I love that! I want that shirt too!
Deviant, SAT DOWN! lol
“no grabbing the ass or ‘accidentally’ brushing against it with your open palm and reflexively squeezing.”
this takes away like 42 percent of my approach technique. sh*t, next you’ll probably say that i shouldnt open my zipper when women walk past
LOL!
@ Deviant or if there’s lint on your dress right there or it’s starting to wrinkle up.
@ Champ made me choke on my gtrits cottage cheese and ice water.
“@ Champ made me choke on my gtrits cottage cheese and ice water.”
you know whats really good with that combo? gravy
you know my dietitian is gonna find you and send you hate mail. But I like the way you crave. *salavating on my engineering paper*
What ever! If I’m walking through the croud holding drinks in the air. Make sure yo ssa says hi to Dangle.
Nope, no desire to meet random Dangles
what you in the club for if you don’t want to meet Officer Dangle?
ForReal you crack me up. lol;)
ha! DANGLE…I’m gonna have to use this…
Yeah…throat punches, all around.
the way I do it you wouldn’t get mad
a real ssa throat punch!? Come on let it off w/ a charlie horse or a lil Indian burn? *giving up the puss n boots eye*
By the way, those hairstyles in the picture look a mess!! SMH
what their hair looks like matters not. they arent wifey material
ok…DEV…baby…hunny…luvmuffin…I really want to know how you know these chicks aint wife-able just from this pic of the hoodus rattus in it’s natural habitat…humor me please?
dammit. we had a pool to see when the first snarky remark about the hairdos of the chicks in the picture.
i had 11:15. oh well, theres 20 bucks down the drain
LOL @ Deviant.
Champ- My fault I should’ve waited about 30 more minutes, huh? I can’t help it…when you look a hot mess, you look a hot mess. On the flip side, I definitely don’t mind telling a chick her hair is cute, or her shoes etc….b/c it doesn’t take anything away from me
yup…you owe me 20 bucks. i’ll be expecting my cash in the mail
No prob Bob…Name and address please
LOL…I left it alone…no use stating the obvious.
What about …
*If I am politely telling you to step, just take the clue and not try to convince me I am wrong.
*Staring at me will not make me want to dance with you, it scares me, stalking isn’t sexy.
*Don’t play with my hair or put your hands in my hair while we are dancing, I don’t know you like that and yes it is mine.
*Thank you for acknowledging my looks, but making comments about my body the entire night is not helping you.
*A couple of dances does not mean I am leaving with you or that I am with you, so please don’t linger around me the entire night.
*Don’t start an indepth convo, because I cannot hear you and my smiling doesn’t mean I agree.
If you are telling me to step you are wrong because you have failed to realize my awesome. In my kindness I try to correct the error by trying to remind people who I am and my greatness.
“*Don’t play with my hair or put your hands in my hair while we are dancing, I don’t know you like that and yes it is mine.”
UGH!! I hate that! This guy did that to me this past weekend. And he kept trying to play in my hair. He was so fascinated because it was real. Maybe most chicks wear weaves exclusively these days, IDK
@Mimi. In the “A” if you don’t wear a weave you get EXTRA props for rocking your real hair because everybody down in this mug is rocking some kind of weave. Hell, when the song comes on asking the women with the real hair and real nails to make some noise, the club goes silent.
***crickets chirping at the club***
I dun heard it all
omg this is the truth!
The stock of weaves is THRU the roofs. So yes, dude musta been like “It surely cant be real!”
So can ladies grab dudes on the ass and arm then without recourse? I was at a club on wednesday (it started as a happy hour but somehow turned into a full blown club, shout outs to NYC) and I’m chillin with my dudes in the lounge area when i feel someone grab my butt. My initial reaction is confusion, then rage (because I thought a dude was trying to violate me), I spin around and see shorty laughing and winking at me, then she does it again! I’m like wow if I did that I’ll be in jail. In anycase I went over to her and danced.
“So can ladies grab dudes on the ass and arm then without recourse?”
yup, lol
because of this…
“In anycase I went over to her and danced.”
Its not fair and I personally don’t do it. But yeah women can grab guys, from the reaction, most of the time you like it unless the chick is ugly.
to quote the great Humpty Hump
“see a guy you like just grab em in the biscuits”
I do what I like.
Don’t attempt to talk to a chick who is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot. I don’t care how fine you are or how fine you think she is. You will scare the living crap out of her and she will immediately start reaching for maze or the nearest brick to throw at your a$$. So keep it moving and try to talk to her in a better enviornment/atmosphere.
I’ll be reaching my purse for my knife…I know that. You might accidentally get stabbed, and that’s never a good look.
a throat stab??
Anything is possible.
do you have green hair and lick your lips like the Joker too?
hell nah…taze much?
I haven’t read through all the comments, so I don’t know if anyone posted this yet, but can you PLEEEEEASE add that guys NOT put the deathgrip around the ladies’ waists! You can have a conversation with me without clinging to me, dang! This is definitely not a good look fellas, I’m just saying!
Oh and if Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” comes on DON’T try to be clever and ask me how I taste? WTF! And yes this happened to me, gotta love Atl! I mean did he actually think I would have a response, I’m sorry I don’t lick myself, that’s your job, which he of course WOULD NEVER had remotely had the opportunity to try!
Asking how you taste? Oh wow.
Yeah exactly, he shocked the sh*t out of me. I mean I thought I had heard it all. But honestly what kind of answer did he expect me to give?
“I haven’t read through all the comments, so I don’t know if anyone posted this yet, but can you PLEEEEEASE add that guys NOT put the deathgrip around the ladies’ waists”
so holding her by her belt loop is a no-no too?
Haha, no that won’t work either Champ.
why not?
Once again, depends on how hot the guy is
Also, don’t STAND on the dance floor and cop and attitude if the people dancing bump into you. Seriously? Go sit down or block the bathroom or steps!
^^^^
Really!!!
i really hate when im dancin with a girl and the “post up boys” are all in the way. find a spot in the back to post up. the dance floor is for people dancing!
fellas, do not engage a woman in conversation about her girl and how want to get with her girl. that’s v.v. lame.
and only cop a feel if you have strong indication that > 50% of the general population finds you good looking.
Ok I have a question…
Do the rules also apply to House Parties? Let’s say a very crowded club-like house party?
I woudl think its less rigid at a house party but some folks probly think otehrwise. House parties I have been to pretty much anything goes. When people started actin stiff they got ejected. I think its like that cause for the most part you are more familiar with the house party crowd and the club is a bunch of strangers. Thats probly why I like house parties better.
I’d hope anyone over the age of 25.5 no longer goes to house parties. Juking in the basement of ur friend with 200 other sweaty people is NOT whats grown.
No I take that back. IF you are no longer in college, getcho ass to someone’s lounge or actual licensed CLUB.
FYI – when we say we just want to dance with our girls… that means we are not interested in dancing with you… because if I fine brother comes and asks right after you… we will dance with him… so dont be telling us (yes I am saying us… because I have told a many I just want to dance with my girls…lol) to go stand on the bar or whatever the heck you said…lol
LOL you are so right.
Poor guys. I know they get their egos hurt ALL the time.
Fellas, don’t hit on married women.
(married) Ladies, stop taking drinks from fellas that hit on married women.
*all of the above assumes a visible wedding band
Married women, stop flirting heavily with guys at a club.
Fa real ladies…. If you not a feelina brotha or you got a boyfriend at home. Let him know nicely, there is no reason to act like you are God’s gift to men. because your not, theres always someone hotter than you. It could save some nice guy’s pride and it could save you an ass whoppin from dat ignant brotha.
Man I love this website. I (heart) the champ. To add some West Indian flavour to the rules:
When the soca, reggae and dancehall come on, a lady is free to walk away from any man who attempts to give an “outta time wine”. That is to say, if wining is not in your blood, you might want to sit this one out.
This AfricanGyal LOVES West Indians and how they dance. Shoot, I want to leave the floor just to watch them dance to socca and reggae.
@WIA…thank you for that…we were at a club Thursday and on of my favorite DJs did a reggae set just the way I like…needless to say I was dancing alone…but it was in one of those “everybody is watching you dance” kind of moments…this dude with locs came to dance with me and was apparently dancing to the music from the other room cause he eff’d my flow up…luckily the DJ had my back and told him he couldn’t keep up so fall back…LOL
Hmm, I’ve got a couple to throw out:
1) Best time for action is 1130P – 100A if you’re planning on pulling someone away. Any chick still there afterwards is either going home alone/with her friends or is trying to decide whether she’s leaving with the guy she’s been dancing with.
2) You are the prize. Don’t put the pu**y on a pedestal. Do a little bit of cat and string with her. [If you hold out a string in front of a cat, the cat will try to grab at it. If you keep pulling the string out of reach, that cat will never give up trying. If you let the cat grab a hold, it gets bored and walks away]. Same deal. Dance with her for a bit, then walk away. Tell her you don’t like her lipstick color. . .but you’d love to kiss her lips. Keep them off balance.
3) For you cats that like the smaller joints (Tiki Lounge anyone?), do your thing on the dance floor for a bit by yourself. Get comfortable. And keep an eye out for the girls checking you out. The bold ones will eye-f*ck you if not anything more obvious like walking up to you and grinding away. The others will just shyly glance at you from time to time.
4) Sometimes these chicks are not smart enough to realize they should step a bit away from their friends. Or maybe they know that if you get them alone, then all bets are off. Either way, when you start dancing with them, you gotta move them away.
5) If you have a wingman, decide ahead of time which ones you’re going to approach. When dancing, don’t give friends a direct line of sight to each other. Last thing you want is the girl with your wing signaling your girl that she wants to get away. If you can’t see someone else, you assume that they must be having a good time, so you might as well have a good time.
6) Smile. Nobody wants to be around some mean mugging dude.
7) Be assertive. Don’t ask people for permission. Say what you’re going to do, then start doing it. If they’re not interested, they’ll stop you there. Examples:
“I want to kiss you” *lean in to kiss her* if you get cheek, you know what’s up.
“I’m a bit tired from dancing, let’s go talk over here” *start walking away and lightly take her hand in yours* If she doesn’t follow, then you know what’s up.
“I really had a great time tonight. We should keep in touch” *write down your number, then hand her the pen an a slip of paper, BUT not your number yet* If she doesn’t write hers down, you know what’s up.