in the past couple months, the champ has gone out a couple times to examine common clubbing behaviors and innocently grind on tipsy grad school asses. what he found surprised, shocked, aroused, and amazed him, especially the vast number of faux pas he witnessed every night
with this in mind, the champ has decided to provide you all with 13 tips on how to act when you’re out.
he’s not saying that you have to follow these to a t, but it would be wise to listen if you want to get into heaven.
1. yes, ladies. regardless of how aggressively uncute or swaggerless the guy might be, if he offers to buy a drink and you accept, you do owe him at least 90 seconds of conversation…unless, of course, he begins the convo by saying “this martini is dry, isn’t it? you know what i bet is the exact opposite? your pu**y”.
2. fellas, remember, female bartenders are like strippers. she’s nice to you because she wants a bigger tip…just not the tip you have in mind
3. if a woman is dancing while any of the following music is playing…
any dancehall reggae or soca
any bass music
any rap produced by any of the following people: lil john, mannie fresh, luke, swiss beats, scott storch, dr. dre, or just blaze
any song that could very easily be found on one of your college boning mixtapes
…the its perfectly ok to assume that she wants you to step behind her, and start grinding like you’re the pepper boy and her name is mashed potatoes to dance
ladies, if any of these songs come on and you just want to dance with your girls, sit your prissy asses at the bar and grind on the stools
4. fellas, if you ask a woman to dance/for a number/to buy her a drink and she declines, dont ask again, don’t ask why, and definitely don’t just stand behind her and wait for the song change to hopefully change her mind. find someone else, you f*cking lame.
5. fair or not, you will be judged on your attire, your demeanor, the mean, median, and mode attractiveness of your crew, how attractive you are in comparison to everyone else there, your drink of choice, and your walk…and each detail factors into your own personal baggability
if you can’t reconcile yourself with these facts then stay the f*ck home.
6. “hi” and its myriad forms (“hey”, “whats up?”, “hello”, etc) is still the most reliable pick-up line, and her first response to the initial “hi” is still the most reliable way of gauging sincere interest
7. ladies, if you’re in a relationship, make sure to reveal that little tidbit in the first 3.5 to 7 seconds of conversation. waiting longer than ten seconds to drop the bf bomb officially makes you an asshole.
8. everyone gets one “i’ve had waaaaaaaaaay too much to drink, and, if my crew doesn’t step in i’m probably going to end the night either in jail or with an std” mulligan per every 9 months. just one. after this, your crew doesn’t have any more babysitting obligations
9. unless a titty pops out, fighting isn’t sexy under any circumstances
10. fellas, its probably not a good idea to be noticeably hard before you even dance with the chick.
getting noticeably hard during your personal grind session? well, like sexual harassment, their reaction will basically depend on how attractive you are
11. ladies, if you want to get approached, separate and smile and they’ll eventually come unless you look like prop joe. its really that easy.
12. fellas, if you’re old enough to get into the club, you’re old enough to know by now that women are nucking futs lemmings. since you possess this knowledge, you should also be aware of the fact that if one member of a crew shoots you down, it decreases your chances of bagging someone else from that crew by 90%.
13. if approaching a group (three or more) of women to offer drinks, you must either only buy a drink for the one you’re specifically interested in, or the entire crew. no inbetweens
“bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?
…isn’t cool. funny, but uncool.
i know i’m missing a ton. good people of vsb.com, would you mind helping a smart brotha out? what else should be on the list?