Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Season 2: Episode 5 Recap » VSB

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Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Season 2: Episode 5 Recap

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This episode starts off where Nia’s life always starts off – running behind a man who actively goes by Soulja Boy who has been sleeping with and texting (as recently as the day before) his jumpoff, Nas, that he wants to be with her and in the words of Boyz II Men, “pleaaaaaaaaaaaase don’t go awaaaaaaaaaaay from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….”.

Because in this world, a meetup with jumpoffs and girlfriends is the norm, Soulja asks her to meet and she agrees and in he walks with his boo/bae/shenanigan supporter, Nia. You.All.Know.How.The.Story.Goes.: they argue back and forth, a drink gets thrown as both of them realize that the dude is the one playing the hell out of them but instead of truly being mad at him, they’re mad at each other for effectively causing the other to not be the apple of his eye. Nas pulled out recent text messages and Nia read them and realized that “hmm, I hate this ho, but she ain’t lying.” Which causes Soulja Boy to go into the standard fucknigga philosophical mode of: “it’s a thousand yous, its only one of me”. Shouts to Kanye. Here’s a haiku of what happened next:

A drink flew

Nia moved real fast

We all lose

Nas gets exited and Nia and Soulja sit at the bar where Soulja espouses more fucknigga philosophy by saying that he appreciates her for being down through it all and other fucknigga quotables. He pulls off the most expensive chain he has on, the $5,000 one with the ruby on it, and puts it around her neck as his sign of their new start and how real she is and shit. He kisses her and she refuses to pucker back, as the winds shifted towards her realization that despite what she knows, she isn’t going anywhere.

Let’s see, who else made appearances? Oh, Milan (who is a boy) and Miles. They move in together but Miles still hasn’t told Amber that he’s gay and that’s why he can’t get their thing together. Milan doesn’t understand why he can’t tell her. Which, ya know what, I think is a bit unfair. Clearly Miles is going through some shit but he is actually coming around slowly. He’s trying. But that doesn’t seem to be enough for Milan (who is a boy). Then again, it would seem that Milan doesn’t have the whole story either. Point is, I hate both of these niggas. Miles decides he needs to tell Amber about his new life and goes to to do so but can’t get his balls together to do so. But apparently Milan followed him to Amber’s house (and didn’t follow him to his auntie’s house) and got pissed because Miles wasn’t honest about that. Which is fair.

But, scrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….Milan, boo, when you need to follow your bae, you prolly need to go on ahead and leave that shrimp on the barbie. Y’all don’t trust each other, and both for good reasons. And miss me with that, Milan only followed him because Miles isn’t being honest bull malarkey. Once your relationship has pushed you into private investigator mode you should probably let it go. Because it looks like another TKO. Which is what was going to happen at the end of the episode when I waited (actually hoped) for them to start fighting.

Real talk though, and ladies I’m mostly talking to you here since in matters of the heart its usually you claiming the man is pushing you to those limits: your man isn’t making you crazy. You are doing crazy shit because you are already crazy. However, if your man (or woman) is causing you to want to do things that you don’t normally consider yourself to be capable of (which is also a lie, but let’s just keep lying to ourselves) there’s a really good chance this ain’t the person for you. If you feel a need to follow your man somewhere, mayhaps you need not be with that person.

The more you know.

Ding.

Dong.

Drip drop. Drip-drippety-drop.

Princess finds out that Teairra ain’t shit. Ho hum. And water is wet. Ray pretends that filming a music video is a real job and requires him to be 100 percent focused. I’m slightly amazed at these artists on this show who swear that…you know what? I don’t even give a fuck anymore. Princess calls him a bitch nigga while walking off. Yay.

Let’s talk about the good shit and start with my bae Moniece. Rich Dollaz has decided that he’s in love with the coco enough to move in with her in LA.

Read that again.

Rich Dollaz has decided to move IN with one of the most insane women we’ve encountered on VH1, which is saying something. But since Rich never saw a bad decision he didn’t like, he makes the movie and Moniece informs him that he’s going to meet her mother so they can all sit down and talk because MamaMo aka Marla has some issues with Richie D. Which, let’s be real, is fair. I don’t even know him and I’ve got issues with him.

They meet at a restaurant, and Marla (who could get it), immediately goes in on Rich and his child support jailing situation. Considering that Moniece has a similar issue I can see why MamaMo would take issue with this. Rich immediately gets offended (as any regular person would when you’re questioning them taking care of their children) and starts to clap back. Do you remember the song by Deborah Cox called “We Can’t Be Friends?” Good song. That has nothing to do with this, but they ain’t gon’ be friends.

Let’s talk about Marla for a minute. She, much like Moniece, presents well. She seems like she has her shit together. But if she did, she wouldn’t be here because NOBODY’S ‘SPOSED TO BE HERE! I’VE TRIED THIS LOVE THING FOR THE LAST TIME!

Deborah Cox is WINNING on VSB today.

Point is, Richie D and MamaMo no likey one another and they both need Jesus. Obviously this will not go well. So let’s go to the funnest storyline.

In more proof that you should NEVER EVER sign to Bad Boy Records, Willie Taylor from now-defunct Day 26 and his wife Shanda have made the move to Los Angeles from Chicago. Shanda is a former stripper that Willie clearly pulled off the pole (after a time since he makes it clear he had some issues dealing with it back in Chicago), and they’ve moved to LA to get his music career back off the ground. They have six-months of savings at their disposal.

I like Willie. He seems like a good dude who is trying to take care of his family, but he’s also got one hell of an uphill battle. Nobody was checking for Day 26; I can’t imagine anybody checking for Willie solo. And you got six months to do this? Survey says…no. But I do wish the best for him. Willie and his wife have a talk about her getting a job, except her getting a job is her stripping again, which…

…she REALLY seems adamant about doing. She even cries about supporting her family. Look, I understand not having a serviceable skill. Plus she’s got piercings in her face. Even a temp agency would bat an eye, but you’ve got two kids and you WANT to go back to stripping? Was she that good???? And she wants to do it so badly she’s telling other people she would do it, like anybody asked her to.

Poor Willie. That’s a pun. Because strip clubs. Anyway, poor Willie. I can’t imagine having a conversation with my wife as she tells me, “I’M GETTING BACK ON THAT POLE!” How must that make you feel as a provider? Your wife has to shake her ass for dollars? But more importantly, what does it say about who you married that she WANTS to? Willie, I do not envy you. It is apparently Day 27, and that day is not so bright.

This was all the long way of saying: sign with Bad Boy and you might have to put your wife on the pole.

Thanks Obama.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Kymberly Hooker

    I cannot bring myself to watching any of this silliness. But look forward to your recaps absolutely hilarious.

    • Keisha

      I can’t watch either, but always make time for the recaps…LOL.

      • panamajackson

        I’m not truly sure my recaps do this show justice.

        • QuirlyGirly

          Oh but they do.. I watch the show because well you know, I’m a glutton for stupidity. But you recaps help me to clarify what I have seen and heard and they let me know there are sane people in the world

    • panamajackson

      I’m just here so I won’t get fined. And I’m glad that you are too.

  • There’s no way this show is as good as the re-caps. It takes me back to the Clarence Update on Young and the Restless (was that a KC thing or national?)

    Anyway, Panama, you should be the political reporter for VSB. Your eye for fuc kery would be well used.

    • panamajackson

      I may make that my next career.

    • MrsT

      OMG,THE CLARENCE UPDATE!! I haven’t thought about that ish in years! It was so good. And yes I think that was just a KC thing.

    • GirlMelanie86

      Yooooooooo the Clarence Update was my s**t and I didn’t even watch soaps (I was too young)! I forgot all about that. Definitely a KC thing.

    • Coco

      Yeeesss! That Clarence update was the highlight of all my morning car trips!

  • Adia Betts

    I’ve been lurking on VSB for longer than I’ve had decent insurance, but that damn haiku brought me out of the shadows. I shan’t, can’t and won’t.

    “Nia moved real fast.”

    Death becomes me.

    • panamajackson

      *takes a bow*

      You’re welcome.

  • “This was all the long way of saying: sign with Bad Boy and you might have to put your wife on the pole.

    Thanks Obama.”

    LOL this is too much nonsense. First off…Day twenty-what? Making the Band was ALWAYS a mistake. Why do people date/marry strippers and then be like “I don’t want you stripping” like…THAT is what she does man…you knew it when you met her.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    Soulja Boy might be getting into the “Young Berg” stratosphere as “the worst person on earth” Nia had a look on her face like “Wow…this is my life…” Technical school boo..you can do it.

    …all i know is if Rich Dollaz talked to my mom that way? A guaranteed one/two combination to the dome.

    ..and yes Princess..Ray-J is pretty lame.

    • panamajackson

      I don’t know. I don’t feel like Dollaz was super disrespectful. She came out guns blazing and them ninjas are peers. lol. You can’t flick off and expect somebody to just take it cuz mama.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        True. These are all valid points, but I just feel like if you have a shady past and someone calls you out on it with legitimate concerns, one must be ready to explain themselves in a respectful manner. But yeah Moniece’s mom did come off super strong.

        Also this is a reality show..Logic and respect don’t make for good television

        • panamajackson

          They don’t. He also had a point, she doesn’t really know the deal. All she knows is what she read. but she couched her aggression in that. If I’m him, I’m on the defensive and I’m going to act how he did. You can’t come for me when I ain’t send for you, boo.

          • but thats why she asked a question. she wasnt telling him about himself. he just got defensive for no reason

            • Coco

              Exactly. She didn’t come for his throat, she asked him to give his side of the story. Moniece was probably pumping him full of hate for her mother, when Moniece is the one with the problem. Looks to me like she’s trying to get her daughter on the straight & narrow and of course Moniece ain’t here fa that.

    • Pinks

      I felt like that at first, but then it seemed like he was just clapping back within limits because Mom came at him with the fire of a thousand splendid sons. Whether or not it’s a smart decision, Moniece chose him and her mom could’ve done a better job at seeming supportive.

      • Khaled Hosseini :). I see you.

        • Pinks

          i love anything he writes. i just recommended “And the Mountains Echoed” to someone. Great read.

          • me too. kite runner is my fav book. didnt really care for “and the mountains echoed” tho

  • Pinks

    1. Moneice mom fine as frog hair.
    2. Soulja Boy look like he brushes his teeth with unclarified butter, and Nia is the epitome of the “But he come home and sleep wit me, doe” delusional girlfriend who pretends to be mad about his indiscretions but doesn’t go anywhere.
    3. I’m strangely attracted to Princess. She annoyed me so much last season, but she seems more human now. And if I had a peen I might want to give it to her.
    4. Is it just me, or does Amber look like she was Miles in a past life? They look alike too much for my taste. And Milan has to chill. You just got his initial tatted on you and you kicked him out because he’s not moving at the pace you’d like? Not nice, thick jaw.
    5. Rich Dollas reminds me of uncooked crescent rolls. Except those taste good.

    • panamajackson

      Moniece’s mama is fine as hell. But also, I agree about Princess. She looks a lot prettier and normal to me now. I might actually like her.

      • Pinks

        Yea I dunno what is it about her, but I’m rooting for her. I’d like to see her slap the sweat off Teirra Marie top lip at some point.

      • Shawn Michelle Dennis

        Princess looks better (I think she lost weight) but she still looks like her breath stinks…certain folks have that look like JHud

    • Mika

      #4, real tears

    • Lea Thrace

      unclarified butter & crescent rolls?

      Take to the King. Cause I am ready!

      Also, how is that baby doing?

  • Samantha

    Rich made me laugh

    Marla: (Talking about their ages) So, let’s just round up here. She’s thirty, and you’re forty.

    Rich: Ok, so that would make you fifty right?

    Marla’s facial expression after was priceless!

    • panamajackson

      Yo, that was pure wizadry on his part. Proved in one fell swoop how she tried to fix the rules that ended up biting her in the derriere, just to make a point.

  • Mika

    This Milan shade really made my day lmao.

    • panamajackson

      I just need him to have a better name.

  • Mika

    I just went on apple music to see if i can find a Day 26 song cause I dont remember their hits. I probably am a bad person for this. Wayment……Panama, why dont you do any recaps of black ink? that is some comment worthy ratchet tv.

    • panamajackson

      Do you know how much it takes out of me to do these recaps? I’m doing this for the culture. Anything else might actually kill me.

      Though I do have a post I intend to write inspired by Black Ink.

      • QuirlyGirly

        I appreciate the work you put in in doing the recaps and I look forward to the post on Black Ink I know you will have some interesting commentary on the fuckery that is Black Ink

    • Melissa

      I’d just like to Share My Shame and let everyone know that this exists in my iTunes.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLZLsgTieoc

      • dmcmillian72

        Loved this song! And this album was actually good… #iShareYourShame

        • Melissa

          Can we come together and find out what happened to Q?! ;) #ShareYourShame

          • dmcmillian72

            Lol! I’ve never heard another dang thing about Q! I have no idea what happened to him, or any of the rest of them besides Willie. Which is a shame, because they could actually sing.

            • Fooletta Devine

              He tried to change the group’s sound, went off on everyone and tried to go solo…then lost Dawn to plastic surgery. :( Does anyone remember Costar? #ShareYourShame

    • mahoganylawlady

      Black Ink is indeed comment worthy ratchet. I’m amazed that they haven’t managed to burn that building down with their shenanigans

  • Laura Charles

    Ummmm… If you have 2 children and you may need to make some money to help support your family while your husband gets his career on track (I guess… Shrugs), why is the only option STRIPPING? You have no other skills? NONE? She actually seems so thirsty to get back to the pole. Almost excited. I give up. Lol

    • QuirlyGirly

      I thought that too. She was trying to hop on that pole quick. Trying to act like it was all for her kids..Girl Bye! You want that quick cash and the admiration of the men.

      • Laura Charles

        Maybe “kids” is a code word for Louis Vuitton Bag and Louboutins?

    • Pinks

      I guess it’s the easiest way she knows how to make some cash fast. On the pole, you don’t have to pass an Excel skills test and prove you don’t smoke weed by having your girlfriend give you her clean piss to get a job.

      • Laura Charles

        LMAO @ Excel skills test and clean piss. Point taken.

      • Melissa

        I had to go dig this up…HAD TO, I TELL YOU.

    • stripping pays really well. It doesn’t make her a bad person anymore than the men who frequent the establishments.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Yep, that’s the old double standard. I don’t agree with stripping, but it ain’t like the patrons are some sort of saints. Folks have this thing twisted.

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