Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Ep. 8 Recap: The Return of #bae Moniece » VSB

Featured, Music, Pop Culture

Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Ep. 8 Recap: The Return of #bae Moniece

Jesse Grant/Getty Images

 

In case the title didn’t inform you, I’m here for Moniece. Granted, its 99 percent all fun and games. If I ran into her in real life, I PRAY that I’d have the sense to turn around and run like Usain Bolt. But, I know me. Which means, I’d probably end up on a date with her where I’d used words like delusional, crazy, and happy family and she’d fly across the table, police would be called, and I’d get a call from Mona Scott-Young about starring on the next iteration of Love & Hip Hop.

But last night was another edition of shenanigans and tomfoolery brought to you by a group of also rans, never weres, and ain’t gon’ bes.

This episode opens up with Berg laying out the red carpet, champagne, and chocolate covered skrawburries for Teiarra Mari JUST to listen to the mix of ONE song?!??! Not even a whole album. A song. Uno. Unicycle. Hell if this is what happens when Berg makes a song for you, I might want to see if Young Hitmaka can create me a single. OOOOKAY??!?

But seriously, I’m sure this is not what happens 99 percent of the time. To be fair, the song does sound good. Not good enough to drop champagne on a chick. But I’m partial to whiskey anyway. Berg sounds like he’s trynna mack, Teairra is like back back gimme 50 feet. They talk about Hazel and I realized that TMurda ain’t put them paws on nobody recently, which is kind of her thing. Luckily, my #bae Moniece is all up and thoo this episode. Yes, thoo.

Masika and Hazel do pilates. Le yawn.

But then we get to some meat. This cannot be stated enough, I am SO over Lil Fizz at this point. Everything he says sounds like the exact opposite of what should be said. This nigga is the King of Role Reversals. Out here trynna find a new mommy for his son, got his chick cheating on him, throwing it in his face, and him still waiting for her to SAY the right things so he can keep her around and not trust her so that they can continue to fight for another six months. His chick was avoiding his calls ONLY to pull up on the scene (no word on if the ceiling was missing or not) in the car NEXT to Fizz with the dude she cheated on him with before? THEN she rolls up on him like, “look, that situation is done. You gotta let it go boo. Free Meeshie ho.”

Amanda is a nigga. Sorry. But she’s saying EVERYTHING a typical dude would say in these instances. Then here comes Fizz sounding like a scorned babymama. Shit, Fizz IS a scorned baby mama. BUT Amanda flipped the FUCK out of the script later. Fizz and Moniece go take a look at the house he’s looking to buy for him and his son. If you want to know how far that B2K money has gone…this nigga has been living at home with his momma. B2K was one of the biggest things in music…and he was living at home with his momma. Go on and marinate on that for a minute. Upcoming arists…if you don’t own your own publishing, you don’t make shit. Once that tour money runs out its a wrap, b.

Anyway, Moniece out here lookin’ like the big piece of chicken (to me anyway) talking to Fizz about Amanda being givin’ the boot and how she needs $130,000 to get her business off the ground.

My nigga.

I said this on the tweets last night, but let me share here: If you need $130,000 to get your business off the ground, you don’t have a business. You have a dream. Period. Also, she’s selling heated dicks (as Fizz calls them). Nigga.

They kind of flirt and part ways before they end up smashing (which seems like it was a possibility), which is good because Moniece is nuts. She thinks she should be able to come to his home whenever she wants. Where dey do dat at? Fizz ain’t completely stupid, we see. Amanda shows up at the hiznayee to try to make amends for being a totally untrustworthy trollop and Fizz tells her that Moniece is trynna get back in there and she flips her wig, making up the strangest rules ever about bachelorhood. Apparently them breaking up doesn’t really mean breaking up. It’s like on Seinfeld where Costanza tried to break up with the chick who was like no. Amanda went full nigga on him in the whole…oh so we take a break and you out here talkin’ to other bitches?!?!? She all of a sudden misses him and is like, “hey, I deaded all my fuckery…like this morning. Don’t sweat it and I don’t appreciate you telling me that I ain’t being straight with you.” Typical nigga shit. She’s textbook, fam. Textbook. All of a sudden Amanda thinks she can make demands of Fizz. I hate her and Fizz. A lot.

Moniece and Amanda meet up (since, why not?) and this is where things get all basketball wife. They talk and Amanda starts tossing around trigger words for crazy motherfuckers. You know, words like “crazy” and “delusional” and she goes at her as a mother, which is a major no-no.  Here’s a little lesson for you all out there who have never dealt with a crazy motherfucker (I have, by the way). Crazy people do NOT like being called crazy. That’s actually how you know when a nigga is crazy. Toss that word at them and check their reaction. If they scoff it off, they cool. If they immediately focus on you calling them “crazy”, run yo. Run. When you see niggas start to get in their zone (you remember how Kanye said not to let him get in his zone and we all know he’s nuts), it is best to diffuse….not pour lightning fluid on.

When you see crazy, you get away from crazy. That’s simple. But when you see motherfuckers start to PRAY not to whip your ass??? My g. You shake it fast, yo. There’s a certain level of…look…people who have to pray not to murder you are committing rational acts of violence. They know what they are going to do and seeking guidance from a higher power not to do it. They know what’s about to happen because its on purpose. Those people are the scariest people on the planet because not only do they have no chill, they believe their entire lack of chill is justified and YOUR FAULT at all times. That’s real nutso. That’s niggas playing basketball on a roof and jumping off that shit while attempting to touch the top of the backboard. Nutso. Above the rim. Some of you got that; the rest of you have no clue what just happened. Moniece slow creeps her jacket off then snatches Amanda’s wig. I’m not here for that but I’m kind of here for it.

Let’s see, what else happens. Ray drops some Romeo done died lines on his boo Princess after she asked about being on the same page that goes a little something like this: “We in the same book. We ain’t always gon’ be on the same page, but it’s always the same love story.” That was hot. Shit might be the hottest line Ray has ever spitted. I have to believe he’s either practiced that or said it 10 times before. You don’t let nothing that good go. That was Dylan level hot fire. Looks like Ray found his #bae. Awwww.

Masika and Hazel start beefing now because Masika’s messy ass is out here being the worst friend ever and talking shit about her to Berg and INTENTIONALLY putting up lovey dovey pictures on IG of her and Berg. I already didn’t like Masika, but she’s messy on a whole new level. You out here having girl time with Hazel – claiming to have stepped back from Berg b/c of this friendship – but Berg is like, “hey, I’m taking the song from Hazel and giving it to you” and she’s like, “cool.” Masika ain’t shit. Hazel may be delusional and in more denial than Olivia Pope, but at least she’s genuinely just lost. Masika is conniving evil. It’s a wonder Morgan didn’t make an appearance on this episode with her messy ass.

Nikki and Teairra meet up to talk shop and shit and plan to go to the unveiling of the marketing campaign for a new strip club that Nikki’s family “owns” (they lease the space). Of course, it’s the one that Masika took pictures for in the “diamonds” (why this wayward child kept saying diamonds is beyond me) and Nikki and Teairra are like, “oh no she didn’t!” Looks like Nikki is gonna say just that on the next episode.

Next week: Fizz checks Moniece, Berg and Ray chop it up, and basically, more shit happens.

 

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • JAC

    I love that I don’t ever have to watch this show, but know what’s going on. It’s made my listening to The Read more enjoyable.

    • panamajackson

      lol. you should give the show a looksee. Just to know what these foolywangs look like. It gives so much more oompf to it…though i’m guessing you’ve seen at least one ep.

  • Gemcuzishine

    You say exactly what is in my head and I appreciate it! Great recap!

    • panamajackson

      Thank you. I do my best.

  • Melissa

    “Didn’t I tell you?”

    Behold, the most terrifying four words ever spoken by a chick slingin’ hot d*ck and hot fi-ah. As soon as she put her hand to God, Amanda should have known to take the dress she bought off an Etsy boutique for Scarface-inspired clubwear and the Hot Wheels decals she had around her eyes and get scarce. BUT NO! Good luck eating breakfast and signing apartment leases after your eyebrows have been ripped off.

    Also, Masika is awful. Hazel’s what my mother would call a Poor Lost Soul and you just don’t shovel more dirt on that, you know? Cut the crap, Rhinestones!

    http://33.media.tumblr.com/c139fa086d08886991b00e154889a1bb/tumblr_mht1g3K6iB1qhtii8o1_400.gif

    • Andrea
    • Hostile Negress

      But didn’t you get into her continuing to calmly talk whilst yanking the wig? “Didn’t *yank* I *yank* tell *yank* you *yank yank*?”

      That was a mess. She should have known when that jacket came off slick that it was time to start looking for items that could swiftly be used to bludgeon a bitch.

      I don’t like this Monneice broad. Nope.

      • Melissa

        I know, I know…I have to quote the Diddy/R Kelly Opus for this one (which is obviously a Red Flag that something has gone HORRIBLY AWRY):

        “You want it, but you fear it, but you love it when you near it”

        I need a Self Loathing Cookie immediately!!

  • Lolalove

    I cannot look Hazel E in the face when she is on the screen. I just thinkg she will morph into her spirit animal or something. But she definitely had a reason to be pissed at Masika, she is just the epitome of a triflin heffa.

  • Grits

    Imma let you finish but Moneice had the greatest comment of all time, of all time!: “I’m sitting on a rocketship full of hot dicks.” Like, whet?

    • panamajackson

      That definitely was mighty special.

  • PunchDrunkLove

    Young Fizz’s is getting in his own way. She admitted to cheating and you caught her again? With that same “other” boo? Fizz needs a mentor and an intervention. He’s not really under a spell like he believes. Nomanda’s side dude.

    I was all about Moniece getting cold c0cked after watching the preview for this week’s episode. It ain’t cool though cool calling folks names and poking the bear. Nomanda requested to meet solely to stake claim on side dude Fizz and again, to poke the bear. She had it coming.

    I’m over Mariska. Trife! She’s still laughing at Hazel’s bout of delusions of granduer. Being the opportunist that she is, she seized the moment to rub Hazel’s nose in it. Who need enemies with friends like Mariska??

    I’m convinced Berg reached out to Teairra May for a take down only to spite Hazel. A record deal was his spin. He’s as transparent as Saran Wrap. I got a kick out of his bruised ego admitting Teairra May didn’t take the “snacks” bait. He’s that dude that go for the low hanging fruit. He gave an unofficial concede with “oh well, moving on…it was about the music anyway.” He ain’t fooling me, she’s still on his radar. It’s become his duty to poke the bear. Silly rabbit.

    I like Ray J’s girl….right now I do. That could always change, just depends on what airs.

    • Melissa

      Totally agree that Berg was drizzling chocolate on a Whole Foods Berry Medley just to get at Hazel. That whole “I believe in her more than I believe in you.” was pure eeeeeeeeeeeevil!

      http://img.pandawhale.com/105042-can-you-feel-the-tension-in-th-N14o.gif

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Mmmm hmmm, all for the reaction he knew he would get out of her. That comment took me back to movies like Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles….lololol

        • Melissa

          Either that or Matt Damon dumping Minnie Driver in Good Will Hunting, but coming from a place of….EVIL!

          p.s. You know I’m going to be lying around in my sweatpants watching Sixteen Candles by 9 pm being all this!!

          • PunchDrunkLove

            Lolol

    • Grits

      Lil’ Fizz is pretty. Amanda is regular-looking. I don’t understand why he doesn’t believe he has better options.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        I don’t understand either. All feelings would go out of the window when cheated on, not once but twice. Really that whole scenario is stamped with “playing house.” Grown folks (most) don’t engage with such trife. Not two times anyway

      • Personally, I think he’s still looking for B2K-on-tour options. You’re right that he’s not bad looking, but once you’ve been to the mountaintop, it takes a change in mindset to get used to “regular” good looking women. The sad part is that some dudes never really get over that heyday P, and they end up lost in the sauce.

      • Pinks

        AND if she’s dumb/bold enough to play her voicemail on speaker, she obviously doesn’t respect any of his gangsta, like, at all. She goes to breakfast with the negro she was smanging behind your back and you still talmbout she has to show and prove? Prove what, that she has the gall to give him the cheeks in YOUR bed. She’d have to be pretty crafty to sneak in his momma’s house and get it in on his bed, but this is Mona Scott Young we’re dealing with here. As a reformed scandalous breakfast-goer, I can only say it must’ve been love. *cue song from Pretty Woman*

      • Rawtid

        AND shes heavily cross eyed

  • Pinks

    I was watching this on DVR while making my curry chicken this morning and thinking “Amanda is a skr8 nigga, yo. She was throwing around that reverse psychology and “I’m sorry you feel that way” apology shit that be having chicks sniffing their own draws to see if they cheated when HE comes home later. Trill, shit, Amanda. Trill shit.

    Also, Masika, whom I like to refer to as bracket lips { }, is messy and delusional as all hell. clearly Hazel is butthurt over Berg (who doesn’t seem like he can slang it well anyway), and she JUST now reveals that they were maaaad close? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it’s more than just Nikki’s implants.

    • Melissa

      There’s just so much greatness here, I need a minute to absorb it all. A minute, a tumbler of Tanqueray and Google search of “can a stank soul make silicone go rancid?”

      http://gifsforum.com/images/gif/funny%20gifs/grand/73462884-funny-.gif

      • cancergirl08

        Sooo….the ref in this pic is my boss. Seriously. I work for his consulting firm. Hilarious!

        • Melissa

          That is too funny!! Please feel free to share with him that, as a Patriots fan, slapping Cutler in the face is even more satisfying than I ever thought it could be! Also, next time he’s in Foxboro, I’ll have a beer waiting for him (just don’t call us for offensive holding, k?) :)

          • StillSuga

            As a Bears fan, slapping Cutler in the face is incredibly satisfying, lol.

            • Melissa

              Duuuuuuude, I can imagine!! When Brandon Marshall finally slaps him upside the head with a vaccination brochure and a Laguna Beach DVD set, I’ll cheer right along with you. Too great a city for his bullsh*t.

    • Wild Cougar

      Berg needs stop with his fake playa act. He is about as delusional as Hazel. He keeps calling Tierra his boo and she obviously doesn’t want him. He invites Masika to take kissy pics and she has made it clear they are just friends, but he wants it to look like they are more. Then he decides to give Masika the song he gave Hazel. It’s clear what’s going on here. Berg is the wizard of Oz. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Nobody wants Berg so he pimps out his producer status to get near attractive women. Then he sets up situations to make it look like they are doing the do. Anybody seen an actual woman he is smashing? He posts photos, spreads hype and provokes Hazel to act out so he can look like a big playa. He needs to just get with the one woman who wants him instead of using her to make him look hot. He can’t pimp his studio to Z list artists for long before he’s all out of recent hits and nobody is buying the hype.

  • MostlyMax

    I enjoyed Moniece snatching that foolish young girl up entirely too much. I may have even rewinded it a few times. She’s wonderfully articulate and calm with her cray and I really like it.

  • What the hell was that spread Nikki had out for Teairra? Sushi and Mac and cheese, where they do that at?

    • panamajackson

      Straight basura.

  • Rachmo

    Amanda earned that snatch up. I was, dare I say, impressed that Moniece didn’t immediately flip out on her. When you start throwing out words like “bad mother” and “delusional” to someone you need to be more careful. I don’t condone violence but I wasn’t mad at it.

    • But what if the terms are accurate? Like the woman is couch surfing while developing a line of adult novelties and hardly coming over to even check for your son. What else would you call it?

      • Rachmo

        Unless your her significant other/child/very close relative you call it “none of your business.” ESPECIALLY since Amanda and Fizz are in a situationship

      • PivotTable

        I agree that the terms were all accurate, but Amanda is a glass house throwing stones (she’s just as messy as Moniece in her own way) and Crazy people don’t like when other foolish people tell them about themselves.

More Like This