Love & Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5, Episode 8 Recap » VSB

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Love & Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5, Episode 8 Recap

It’s been a long week, what with the demise of the Mimi/Stud Bae union and the consequent loss of opportunities to reflect on the morning mist that was her hair. Fortunately, this week’s episode of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5, delivered enough replenishing shade to help me push on to see what the end will be. Praise white jaysus! This week saw the return of “Yung” Joc and Scrappy (yaaaaaay.), reads-a-plenty from the dynamic trans duo of D. Smith and Betty “Fallen” Idol, and a slow motion, KK pre-fight, with humiliating post-menopausal ass whoopin’ looming on the horizon.

Let me start out with a story, or rather, a recollection. There was a time in the late ‘90s/early aughts when Jay Z started doing this shit where he would make a quip, like saying he was “like a running back” and quickly follow with “get it – I’m straight off the block” or some similar shit. I found this  “get it” routine to be highly fuckin’ irritating. A comment, a rhyme, a joke – if something is clever, it goes without saying. I don’t need no cue card mane! Save the setup! Apparently Mona Scott has been listening to The Blueprint, because I swear, she’s spent this whole season orchestrating scenes whose entire purpose is obvious set up.

We open this week on Tiara and Jessica “Father Gawd let these checks keep comin’” Dyme meeting up for no damned reason other than to create an excuse for Tiara to introduce us to her new “boo” J Nics. Personally, I thought that was DJ Mustard in MusiqSoulChild’s “Half Crazy”-era clothes, but what do I know. Anyway, this ninja is friends with Scrapp and the other Men of LAHHATL and uses this as an opportunity to inform Tiara of a Daddy Day the men have planned – and to entreat her to let King come and chill with his father. The father whose baby mama you plan to touch on the inside at some point this summer? Ok sir. Ok. Why is any of this relevant? It isn’t. It’s just setting us up for more Scrapp “let me see my kids Keisha!” drama. Get it?!

Across the county, K Michelle is in the final stages of planning a listening party to reheat her career. Madame, your career has been carefully wrapped in Saran, sealed with foil and placed in the deepest darkest crevices of Grandma RoRo’s tall chest freezer, right next to all them half eaten twin pops. That’s to say, it is gone and forgotten by all but the most desperate. But I like that you still believe! Joseline walks in; she’s still giving shades of Josephine with all this dark body wave hair and I can’t say I dislike it – though it does make me wonder if the wig budget has shifted.  Anywho, the two are chattering about party plans when the topic turns to D. Smith, whom K Michelle has invited to her party. *sccrrraaaaaaatch* You said who?!? Japan, the pet gay K Michelle has buffing the dents out of her face doing her makeup volunteers that his record career was mismanaged by said Smith, and bitches was callin’ me and another artist had my record, but I’m just trying to shine, etc. Basically: Queens gon’ queen. K Michelle says she may get drunk and ask questions about this at the party. Translation: It’s gonna go down, get it?!

It’s Ariane’s birthday (?) and Rasheeda has invited her to her store (and still I kee) to try on some new togs. She has also invited a “friend” – none other than D. Smith, who mentions needing an outfit for K Michelle’s listening party. Rasheeda immediately responds by saying she doesn’t have energy to talk shit about K Michelle, but manages to dig down in her shade stores to do just that. Now we have established that K Michelle is gonna say something cray to D Smith AND we have established that D Smith is gonna be looking at K Michelle askance. THERE WILL BE DRAMA PEOPLE – for the love of gawd, don’t you get it?!?

This episode featured a whole lot of little breadcrumbs along the trail to the dramatic finale and I’m gonna spare you (and mostly me) the stress of having to go through each one by mooshing them into one big foolishment sammidge. Scrapp went to his lawyer, learned he’s gonna spend about five years bunking with the “I likes ya, and I wants ya” dude, and entreated his teenaged mother to meet with Tiara and work out a co-parenting plan. She’ll try. Only she won’t, as we soon shall see. Scrappy, meanwhile, meets up with Dyme and her Wendy’s wig to work out, talk about eggplants (vom) and arrange a future date. But can I get some onions on this jr. bacon cheeseburger or nawl?

The Three Stooges (Kirk being Curly, of course) meet up at Gold Rush to see the skrippas. Naturally, some very spent lookin’ white ‘oman is there eyeballin’ Yung Joc; this is J Nic’s on again, off again. Whom Joc is gonna consider dating. Because, there are just not enough other spent white women in this town. In other news: Was I the only one wondering about this woman’s date of birth? Jaysus be some SPF50 or some cucumbers over her eyes or sumthin! Look like she was twurkin’ on the Nina, the Pinta and/or the Santa Maria.

Cut to K Michelle’s listening party. None of the resident Ladies of LAHHATL shows up. K doesn’t care and says she understands because she would also hate herself if she had to hear herself on the radio all day. Ma’am, what radio station are you listening to? Is it AM?? Is it NPR “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” – cause they play too much! WRFG independent community radio? Anyhow, moments into the party, Smith shows up lookin’ positively snatched in a black hat, her pet chihuahua Betty Idol by her side.

K Michelle brings up Japan, Smith gets unnecessarily hostile and K and her Workwear by Mary Kay Cosmetics suit uncharacteristically get up and  walk away. The drama (yes, remember when we promised this? You didn’t get it??) finally begins to unfold when Ariane pumps up toting Bambi, who immediately attacks Smith and Idol for beefin’ with homegirl Tammy (See: Episode when Tammy turned Betty upside down and mopped the floor with her faster than you can say Pine Sol Mammy). Smith retorts that Bambi is clearly used to standing on four legs, to which Bambi replies that Smith is used to being Juwanna Mann.

Oh girl.

Smith, in the read heard ‘round the world, snaps back that she respects Bambi for all she’s done for the community as a trans woman. HAAAAAAAAAA! Yasss gawd! Clinging to life, Bambi asks what Smith’s problem is, to which she replies “Your face”. Betty comes in with the assist “Your teeth, fix them.” and the game is cinched, 102-3. But no shade, Bambi DOES look like she got a second row of teeth – and if you’ve seen Shark Week like I have, you know to leave that alone. Take ya arm slam off.

Finally, The Family Scrapp is meeting downtown at another desperate restaurant. Aside: It says so much to me that Scrapp refers to his mother/boo as “KK” instead of, I dunno, Mom.

Anyway, Tiara and KK exchange faux pleasantries and about 15 seconds in, Royal Rumble LXXXII breaks out. Somehow in the derailment, KK challenges Tiara to come across the table and proceeds to … get … up … and … teach … her …a … le…sson.

Note to Mama Cass: When it takes you 15 minutes to get up and tell a bitch she don’t want none, YOU are the one who don’t want none. Your fightin’ days are over. If someone don’t get that bih a King James Bible, an AARP membership and a warm shawl. Or better yet, get her ass some ol wrankled paynus. Does Ernest have a brother we can leverage???

See ya next week!

Dhiraj Naseen

Dhiraj Naseen aka The Hostile Negress is a renowned ratchetologist and celebrated advocate of foolishment. An aspiring spinster, her hobbies include judging, not minding her business and yoga. Her spirit animal is an octopus, because she says so.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    I was in mid comment on the previous post when I saw this pop up. #Blessed

  • TheCollinB

    so we just come at Jay back to back now. I’m not using data for this. Y’all call me when somebody ask Agatha somethin they already know the answer to.

    • The Hostile Negress

      Good sir you have me misconstrued. I am a fan of Jay from way back when he was rappin about Marcy son (ain’t nothing nice) – buuuut you know the “Get it?” phase was tiresome!

      • TheCollinB

        Negress, I digress.
        I watch a lot of battle rap and the “get it” bars he started is rampant in that realm. At times I hear it and I can feel portions of my brain melt inside my skull.

  • Mika

    Really in my office laughing out loud. These are so entertaining.

  • vanitaapplebum

    “Anyhow, moments into the party, Smith shows up lookin’ positively snatched in a black hat, her pet chihuahua Betty Idol by her side.”

    I was able to hold it together until you provided this uncannily accurate description of these two jokers. I howled.

  • Bklady

    “Workwear by Mary Kay Cosmetics suit” I am holding back laughter and tears at the same in this very quiet office…Like real tears, I need a tissue.! I said to myself during that whole segment “Like, what is she wearing and Why??”

  • Jessica “Father Gawd let these checks keep comin’” Dyme
    Pine Sol Mammy
    darkest crevices of Grandma RoRo’s tall chest freezer
    Mama Cass
    The Nina, The Pinta and/or The Santa Maria

    Ma’am!!! You are a fool! These are the little things that I love in life.. petty, shade and the finest of ratchery.. Thank you for feeding my spirit.

    Uuuuuuuum Scrappy still has no casmex or argan oil.

    “Bambi DOES look like she got a second row of teeth – and if you’ve seen Shark Week like I have, you know to leave that alone. Take ya arm slam off.”

    I HATE LIFE AND I QUIT YOU FOR THIS!!!!! ROTFLMAO

    • NonyaB

      LOL at “Uuuuuuuum Scrappy still has no carmex or argan oil.”

  • will_the_thrill

    D. Smith read Bambi for blood. She came prepared, and Bambi was not ready! She ain’t got enough gay friends. Juwaanna man? That’s the best you could come up with?

  • Does anybody ELSE HATE this picture of K.Michelle? She looks exactly like that Delta nobody really wanted to vote for but she was a legacy! lmao

    • Barlow22

      Maaammm….MAAM!! I clean had to leave an come back #Iknowthatred

    • brothaskeeper

      Savage level: 25

      • Desiree’luvneverythgabtme Mere

        I actually thought the chick in the pic was the one and only Grandma KK. I’m so sick of these heifers going back and forth for a dollar. They need to come up with better issues and arguments. And tell me why D Smith is even in the show and where the heck did Little Boy Idol come from. I’ve been second guessing her existence since she first come on this season. And she had the nerve to say she sang on one of Ricky Ross hits. Who is this gremlin with makeup?

  • MissMiamiHeatNation

    1.0h he was sending King off today so he can play pound the pavement with mama’s cakes…ain’t nobody crazy…
    2.Serious question,this ain’t even a joke,is Betty Idol trans too?
    3. Scrapp calling his mom by her name throws me off too. Being in the south, i hate when ppl ask me what my moms name is for fear she will reach around a corner from out of nowhere and lay into my ASprin..
    4. Joc should be a comedian
    5. K Michelle needs some self esteem. I don’t think Target carries it yet,but i see Dr.Miami doesn’t either…
    6. I LOVE YOUR RECAPS!!!!!

    • Bklady

      “K Michelle needs some self esteem. I don’t think Target carries it yet,but i see Dr.Miami doesn’t either” For the WIN! Ma’am, please come accept your award!

      • MissMiamiHeatNation

        Thank you!!! *takes a bow and go back to my corner*

        • Isabeijscholl1

          “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!ti40ur

          two days ago grey MacLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !ti40u:?:?:.?.?.?.? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsBrandGetPay-Hour$98…. .????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!ti40u….,

    • Von Li

      Answer to question number 2: No but she is possessed by the ghost of Michael Jackson.

      • DiamondIsMyRealName

        I thought she looked like MJ too and I couldn’t stop staring lol

      • MissMiamiHeatNation

        LOL, don’t do Mike like that! She is so extra with everything,i just couldn’t tell…

    • Desiree’luvneverythgabtme Mere

      I was thinking the same about Joc and his silly a**. He and Plies both have the silliest *hit to say. And he is so messy.

      • Hammster

        Plies is funny, Joc is just…a joke

  • And yall know they got evicted for not paying rent…. Joc ain’t got no job.

    And the white chick looked God awful with her Kim Kardashian- inspired cakes and little a$$ legs.

    • Bklady

      For real! I’m not sure how even Scrappy makes money…. Now as far as that chile that looks like she lived a loooong hard life…she needs to sit down..somewhere in the back row on the hard chairs…Ewww

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