Love & Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5, Episode 5 Recap » VSB

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Love & Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5, Episode 5 Recap

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In typical Atlanta style, temperatures have shifted from sligthly balmy to Satan’s ball’s hot in a matter of a few weeks. Fortunately, Mona Scott is available to provide ample shade, as we saw on the latest installment of Foolishness and Fuckment, better known as Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5. This week saw the triumphant returns of Stud Bae and “Yung” Joc (note to self: cancel Amber Alert), a full-cast bitch session and all new levels of shade, care of Shenellica Bettencourt.

First the boolsheet: Having exhausted all plausible storylines, Kirk and Rasheeda are reduced to working out faux beef with Scrappy, whose purpose for breathing is also contested. Following a weary performance by his daughter at the much-anticipated “showcase,” Kirk turns around to see Scrappy and his jowls have shown up. Rasheeda, Joc and Joc’s Pharrell hat quickly announce this is an intervention to help them squash the beef. Farrakhan was busy? Boring banter ensues, Kirk has a revelation and decides he should apologize for not attending Scrappy’s court date and they dap it up. Thank gawd that’s over, we haven’t been this worried since the Cuban Missile Crisis! Translation: Fucks were not given.

Also in this week’s But For Why storylines: Scrapp’s brother, That Otha Nig, is performing his song “I’m A Dawg” for drunk people who don’t get out much. After the *airquotes* concert, the two sit down for drinks and nigga time, only it rapidly turns into a discussion of why their mama ain’t shit. Surprise, in she walks. Mona, you so unpredictable! After her son gives her a skank twirl to show off her outfit (perfectly normal mother-son stuff) she proceeds to explain in a most heartfelt tone that she lub her son, and she lub her grandchild, but she will not make up with Tiarra to restore the family unit before Scrapp goes to federal ass-rammin’ prison. Scrapp gets pissed again and KK mic drops, again. Bih, why are you here tho? You could’ve been home soaking in liniments or whatever ancient batches be doin’ nowadays.

Later, Tommie inexplicably shows up to Scrapp’s loft in a sartorial homage to Prince (those sheer bell bottoms would KNOCK at King of Diamonds though…) and begins tearing the place up looking for ‘nother bitches. Finding none (but did you look in the hamper bitch????), she cycles through several emotions before inexplicably tossing a wad of press-n-curl cash at Scrapp and storming out. Where they do THAT at? Let’s just hope she finds her way to Wellbutrin this season.

Cut to Joseline and Stevie J scouting sites for the premiere of Joseline’s video “Church” – appropriately named since, given her vocals, all of the guests will likely be holding tightly to the hem of His garment for the evening. She settles on something that looks like a set for the live-action version of Clue, again, apropos given I suspect at least one person will get whapped over the head with a candlestick before the party ends. KK suddenly pops up to meet with Stevie J to talk bidnass. Joseline – who, recall, is delivert from evil – nonetheless wastes no time asking Stevie J and KK if they did the grownt back in the day. Both feign shock at the thought; KK later mentions that she will “let her slide” on this episode of disrespect, but will dismiss her teeth the next time Joseline has a messy moment. To whit, Joseline clarifies that she’s not terribly worried about this geriatric hoebag, what with her ass liable to scrub the ground the instant her extra tall support drawls are removed. Let me find out Shenellica done went off to California and got a degree in the art of bitchcraft and advanced fierceness! As a matter of fact, Shenellica spends the majority of this episode weaving a tapestry of shade, starting with her continued taunting of Karlie Redd by literally waving a piece of information over her head, progressing to KK-gate and making a side stop at a one-on-one with Mimi. While shopping for furniture for Mimi’s house, Joseline takes a moment to hand off a convenient print out of KK’s record, and warn Mimi about having her child underfoot with Ma Barker in the mix.

This weird ass moment continues with Joseline entreating Mimi to form a united front with her. Bish whet? KK’s history as rough trade from Chowchilla Women’s Prison is not exactly a newsflash, and what would you all be uniting against? Confused, Mimi thanks her for the warning, while quietly letting the audience know Joseline will naught be getting the address to her home. Oof!

Meanwhile, Stud Bae and Mimi are still going strong – or so they would have you believe as we see them lounging in casa de Mimi, engaging in a little staged pillow talk. Word on the skreetz is Mimi done already dumped mestizo boo and found her another light skint ‘oman. But for now, we’ll play along. So Stevie J is back and wants to meet Stud Bae at Joseline’s party. While Stud Bae’s hair may be a fool, she isn’t one – she is not here for baby daddies nor for parties thrown by femmequeens who tried to slash your neck last summer. But no shade!! She says she’ll think about it, and one dry housewarming and a commercial break later, Stud Bae and Joseline are facing off at said party. Joseline sizes up Stud Bae, pronounces her not quite on the level, and proceeds to casually mention the threesome her and Mimi had once upon a time. Stud Bae immediately gets emo, with her pompadour quiverin’ and what not. Bih saddown, your ho ain’t your ho no mo, and anyway, her favorite flavor toothpaste is penis, so that ain’t the one to catch a fade behind, ya heard?

And catch it you will if you know like I know: I still think Joseline is a femmequeen and they’ll sho ‘nuff knock your ass out with a sock full of batteries and step over your body faster than you can say sashay away. Homey and her sleight of hair should probably relax or else she might don’t make it. Next week: Tommie is cray (say whaaaaat?), Mama D is still mo cray and Rasheeda turns to Deb Antney for some deep voiced life lessons. See you then!

Dhiraj Naseen

Dhiraj Naseen aka The Hostile Negress is a renowned ratchetologist and celebrated advocate of foolishment. An aspiring spinster, her hobbies include judging, not minding her business and yoga. Her spirit animal is an octopus, because she says so.

  • Danielle

    Giiiiiiiiiiiirl. I. Can. Not. With. You. Today.

    “Bih, why are you here tho? You could’ve been home soaking in liniments or whatever ancient bitches be doin’ nowadays”

    LMAO!!!

    I haven’t even bothered to watch this season because your reviews 1. Give eternal life (are you the Lord?) and 2. Don’t kill my much needed brain cells.

    I wish you could review/narrate every reality tv show!

  • Klynnmac

    I absolutely LIVE for this recap. I was watching the show last night and I almost died when Tommie tried to hitchhike on to the Enterprise rental truck. This woman has taken crazy to a new level. I’m legit concerned.

    • Andie

      That was bizarre.

    • The Hostile Negress

      Emotional roller coaster game proper.

    • KB

      In a lingerie type outfit no less. I bet buddy in the truck was mad because he thought he had come up on some free vag.

    • Melissa

      I can’t throw stones, because I almost ran outside in my brassiere last week trying to catch the FedEx guy because SOME PEOPLE have to show off sending things signature delivery. It was a near miss, ladies, a near miss.

      • sunshine74

        I legit ran after my mailman wearing nothing but a scruntchie, oversized t-shirt, and flip-flops, thinking of a package I was expecting. Not a good look for Oakland, CA. It turned out to be a letter from the IRS. *sigh* On the bright side he’s still very polite to me though.

        • Melissa

          HAHAHAHAHAAHA!! There is nothing, and I mean naaaaathin’ *Cardi B voice*, worse than expecting Sephora and getting the f*&%^(#g government. That should be against All The Laws!!

  • Andie

    I can’t wait to ask someone to ” sit down for drinks and nigg@ time”. LMAO

    • Mika

      LMAO killed me.

    • brothaskeeper

      I’m ’bout to ask my people today. “After work, let’s meet for dranks and ni66a time.”

      • Kas

        There is no better time.

  • panamajackson

    I must say, I laughed a SIGNFICANT number of times at this recap.

    Federal a** rammin’ prison kilt me dead on a whole new level.

    • NonyaB

      Panamayne, why y’all holding mah comments in mod purgatory? Also hate how disqus won’t let me delete the duplicate. ?

    • Melissa

      I completely fell apart at “pompadour quiverin’” and, honestly, I’m still not whole yet.

      • Sandraganderson1

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cc397atwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cc397a:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsOnlyGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!cc397a….,

  • Mika

    “if they did the grownt back in the day” Cried real tears at this.

  • MsCee

    “Deep voiced life lessons” BHhhhhaahhahahhahahaaa, I Can’t!!!!!

    • Mika

      her voice is soooooooo deep LOL I shes gotta be a smoker

      • The Hostile Negress

        She’s definitely a basso profundo. I’d love to hear her say “tellin’ me this, tellin’ me that” just ONE good time.

        • MsCee

          LMFAOOOOOOO not Barry White tho!!!!

        • Mika

          LMAO

        • You’re about to get me fired. And I’m a stay-at-home mom.

        • dmcmillian72

          That “basso profundo” is a real thing CRACKS ME UP!!! Lol!

  • Mika

    I think we need to get Tommie some kind of acting award, although I don’t think she is acting.

  • This is in a proud tradition of Black gay and lesbun ish. I know this ain’t for me, but I just enjoy the show every week. And hitting Joseline with the femmequeen slur is glorious, glorious shade

    Sidebar: I’m hitting up ATL next month for a few days, and wanna find out about something non tourist trap. Holla at a Playa.

    • Guest

      Todd where u trying to go? I’ve read enough on this site from you and I’m not sure we ready for you…

      • Family friendly activities please. Not super crazy, just not my daddy time activities. And besides, I have my own connects for the after dark stuff, pending accessible sitters of course.

  • SPG

    There are waaaay too many quotables in this review to just start singling any of them out.
    Gem after gem after gem.
    I refuse to watch the show but your write-ups are never to be missed.

    In other news, RIP Afeni Shakur.
    The Reaper has been on a tear and unapologetic this year.

  • Amber

    I’ve watched a couple episodes because of your recaps but the show just isn’t as good or funny as your writing.
    I’m sure my coworkers think something is wrong with me for laughing out loud randomly in my cubicle.

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