In typical Atlanta style, temperatures have shifted from sligthly balmy to Satan’s ball’s hot in a matter of a few weeks. Fortunately, Mona Scott is available to provide ample shade, as we saw on the latest installment of Foolishness and Fuckment, better known as Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5. This week saw the triumphant returns of Stud Bae and “Yung” Joc (note to self: cancel Amber Alert), a full-cast bitch session and all new levels of shade, care of Shenellica Bettencourt.
First the boolsheet: Having exhausted all plausible storylines, Kirk and Rasheeda are reduced to working out faux beef with Scrappy, whose purpose for breathing is also contested. Following a weary performance by his daughter at the much-anticipated “showcase,” Kirk turns around to see Scrappy and his jowls have shown up. Rasheeda, Joc and Joc’s Pharrell hat quickly announce this is an intervention to help them squash the beef. Farrakhan was busy? Boring banter ensues, Kirk has a revelation and decides he should apologize for not attending Scrappy’s court date and they dap it up. Thank gawd that’s over, we haven’t been this worried since the Cuban Missile Crisis! Translation: Fucks were not given.
Also in this week’s But For Why storylines: Scrapp’s brother, That Otha Nig, is performing his song “I’m A Dawg” for drunk people who don’t get out much. After the *airquotes* concert, the two sit down for drinks and nigga time, only it rapidly turns into a discussion of why their mama ain’t shit. Surprise, in she walks. Mona, you so unpredictable! After her son gives her a skank twirl to show off her outfit (perfectly normal mother-son stuff) she proceeds to explain in a most heartfelt tone that she lub her son, and she lub her grandchild, but she will not make up with Tiarra to restore the family unit before Scrapp goes to federal ass-rammin’ prison. Scrapp gets pissed again and KK mic drops, again. Bih, why are you here tho? You could’ve been home soaking in liniments or whatever ancient batches be doin’ nowadays.
Later, Tommie inexplicably shows up to Scrapp’s loft in a sartorial homage to Prince (those sheer bell bottoms would KNOCK at King of Diamonds though…) and begins tearing the place up looking for ‘nother bitches. Finding none (but did you look in the hamper bitch????), she cycles through several emotions before inexplicably tossing a wad of press-n-curl cash at Scrapp and storming out. Where they do THAT at? Let’s just hope she finds her way to Wellbutrin this season.
Cut to Joseline and Stevie J scouting sites for the premiere of Joseline’s video “Church” – appropriately named since, given her vocals, all of the guests will likely be holding tightly to the hem of His garment for the evening. She settles on something that looks like a set for the live-action version of Clue, again, apropos given I suspect at least one person will get whapped over the head with a candlestick before the party ends. KK suddenly pops up to meet with Stevie J to talk bidnass. Joseline – who, recall, is delivert from evil – nonetheless wastes no time asking Stevie J and KK if they did the grownt back in the day. Both feign shock at the thought; KK later mentions that she will “let her slide” on this episode of disrespect, but will dismiss her teeth the next time Joseline has a messy moment. To whit, Joseline clarifies that she’s not terribly worried about this geriatric hoebag, what with her ass liable to scrub the ground the instant her extra tall support drawls are removed. Let me find out Shenellica done went off to California and got a degree in the art of bitchcraft and advanced fierceness! As a matter of fact, Shenellica spends the majority of this episode weaving a tapestry of shade, starting with her continued taunting of Karlie Redd by literally waving a piece of information over her head, progressing to KK-gate and making a side stop at a one-on-one with Mimi. While shopping for furniture for Mimi’s house, Joseline takes a moment to hand off a convenient print out of KK’s record, and warn Mimi about having her child underfoot with Ma Barker in the mix.
This weird ass moment continues with Joseline entreating Mimi to form a united front with her. Bish whet? KK’s history as rough trade from Chowchilla Women’s Prison is not exactly a newsflash, and what would you all be uniting against? Confused, Mimi thanks her for the warning, while quietly letting the audience know Joseline will naught be getting the address to her home. Oof!
Meanwhile, Stud Bae and Mimi are still going strong – or so they would have you believe as we see them lounging in casa de Mimi, engaging in a little staged pillow talk. Word on the skreetz is Mimi done already dumped mestizo boo and found her another light skint ‘oman. But for now, we’ll play along. So Stevie J is back and wants to meet Stud Bae at Joseline’s party. While Stud Bae’s hair may be a fool, she isn’t one – she is not here for baby daddies nor for parties thrown by femmequeens who tried to slash your neck last summer. But no shade!! She says she’ll think about it, and one dry housewarming and a commercial break later, Stud Bae and Joseline are facing off at said party. Joseline sizes up Stud Bae, pronounces her not quite on the level, and proceeds to casually mention the threesome her and Mimi had once upon a time. Stud Bae immediately gets emo, with her pompadour quiverin’ and what not. Bih saddown, your ho ain’t your ho no mo, and anyway, her favorite flavor toothpaste is penis, so that ain’t the one to catch a fade behind, ya heard?
And catch it you will if you know like I know: I still think Joseline is a femmequeen and they’ll sho ‘nuff knock your ass out with a sock full of batteries and step over your body faster than you can say sashay away. Homey and her sleight of hair should probably relax or else she might don’t make it. Next week: Tommie is cray (say whaaaaat?), Mama D is still mo cray and Rasheeda turns to Deb Antney for some deep voiced life lessons. See you then!