Featured, Music, Recap

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5, Episode 13 + 14 Recap

I know what you’re thinking: Where have you been Hostile Negress? It’s been two weeks Hostile Negress! We need our fuckery and foolishness Hostile Negress! To that I say: Why you still talkin’ about old stuff? I’m back just in time to preach a sermon on this week’s episode of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5. Praise white Jaysus! This week brought us a shady (but for once, completely accurate) D. Smith AND K. Misshapen Michelle, an emo Tammy (aww, that was low-key sad for real), revelations surrounding the status of Mimi’s coocoocachoo and a race to the bottom of foolishness, care of Karlie Redd and Lyfe Jennings.

Someone hand me my Mahalia Jackson fan.

So when we last left off, Karlie Redd was lunging chin first to the ground, having just been presented with a ring from one, Lyfe Jennings and resorting to stunts, shows and/or hyper dramatic antics. Oh Karlie. Now, Mona Scott likes to play with a sista’s emotions I see, since she’s been teasing us with this momentous pinnacle of fuckery all damb season, only to ultimately deliver a lukewarm outcome. Whe’n I tell you Karlie Redd popped up offen that ground this week and resumed conversation like she didn’t just do an Olympic-level dive onto the concrete – and didn’t Lyfe just sit there lookin’ at her like bish whet the entire time! Perhaps that’s because he had an even fiercer twirl in mind, explaining moments later that this is in fact, a promise ring – a promise that you’ll never find another ninja like me! And with that he twirled on his heel and sauntered off “fuck this shit, I’m out” style. Karlie, in true foolish style, somehow ends up chasing him down the street barefoot, talm ‘bout, I’ll change! GWURL. Won’t he basically the equivalent of a homeless man selling oranges under the freeway, back when you was all in the lubs with Scrappy? Later, she explains to the camera that she felt Lyfe had a double standard and that she’s tired of men telling her she’s not doing enough. In her words, it’s the same old story.  Well if that story is you refusing to let yourself win, I concur.

In other loose ends, Ariane is still on her “Mama, I wanna sing” thang, and believes that D. Smith is the one to help her get started. Girl, what has D. Smith started this season but all manner of drama? Iown know, but apparently Ariane thinks she can get her career together, and so, it is with stars in her eyes she sashays to her appointment with the reigning Empress of Messy. And naturally, she’s barely through the door before the shenanigans begin. D. Smith has company! A music coach girl, and he swiftly starts doing runs that Ariane is expected to match. I don’t have to tell you her stairway to heaven sounded more like a rusty fire escape in Hoboken, a fact Smith immediately pointed out, highlighted and circle in red ink. Ariane complains that she had no idea she was there for a tryout – hell, she’s been singing her whole life. Well hayle, so have I, and I still sound like I swallowed a bag pipe. Ariane may be doll baby cute and an iconic wearer of Brandy-style hats, but them pipes gonna need all KINDS of work – which Smith tells her in the most sensitive way in which you can tell someone they sound like a severely injured emu. The scene ends with D. Smith lamenting that something is blocking Ariane from the music. Yes. Talent. Even K. Michelle can see that, and she says as much when Ariane pops up on her doorstep seeking guidance during a New York video shoot. Now, K. Michelle may be shaped like an obscene ice cream cone, and her weave may cause my bowels to move, but I must admit, she is in fact the only one on this show with continuous, current mursic – no matter how regrettable it may be.

So when she tells you that you should find other things to do with your life that don’t involve chasing musical stardom, well, shit girl. You should probably listen. But Ariane doesn’t, and instead takes K up on an offer to shadow her. Nothing could go wrong there! Nothing except every damn thing, as a solid 24 hours later, we see a rushing K. Michelle leave Ariane stranded after an event. Look, if Ariane is serious about this, it might be time to consider a voice machine. I mean, if it’s good enough for T Pain and Mama Dee…

Speaking of Mama Dee is, she’s in the booth working on her “album” with Yung Joc, when in walks J. Nicks and his uncomfortably large face. For reasons unclear, Joc feels like this is the best time to talk to his “friend” about smashing off Amber Priddy, aka lil White Chocolate. Cue dramatic music. Will Big Face Hunneds slap the buckshots out of Joc’s head? Nope. After some fake tension, the two dap up, Nicks excited that this apparent treachery provides him an exit strategy from him and Amber’s comatose relationship. He’s so excited, in fact, that he decides to bring Tiara to Amber’s inexplicable cosmetic line launch – because who hasn’t looked at her and wondered how they too could look 20 years older than their chronological age. They show up. Foolishment ensues, with Tiara hurling insults about Amber’s pole-assisted vocation – to which Amber replies that she ought to know all about her skrippa tea, seeing as she bartends at the same club. Can we just agree that you both qualify for Peach Care and be done with it? I could truly have lived without this scene.

Let’s get a little serious yawl. Shit ain’t working out for Tammy and Waka – or at least it wasn’t at the time of filming – and they’ve decided to separate. Tammy baby, if his refusal to participate in this show is any indication, he separated from you mentally a very long time ago. While the Hostile Negress in me wants to clown, I legit felt bad for Tammy, who breaks down crying at her fashion show as mom-in-law Deb Antney follows suit. Awwww sugah foot, you got clear skin and a big ol booty. The world is your oyster! While Tammy is getting herself together, Scrappy done popped up with roses and a “Let’s Stay Together” smile for Bambi, who just came down off the runway. They both lonely, he says, so fuck it. Bambi may have an obscene amount of weave and her gums may be tall, but she ain’t slow: She’s heard the hook, refrain and the intro to this song before, and politely declines. Yes gawd! We’ll see how long that lasts.

What would an episode of LAHHATL be without a closer from the Mimi/Joseline/Stevie J. fuckness triad – now co-starring Messica Dyme?! They’re all still out in California pretending to be relevant. Stevie J. has decided to have a grown and sexy pool party (ugh) and naturally, this means Dyme, Tiara and Karlie Redd will all be in the mix. Why? Girl that’s that Mona Scott logic. So Karlie decides now is the best time to tell Tiara that she was layin’ up with Scrapp DeLeon. Who now? Ah yes, that ninja who’s locked up. Remember when I said Karlie Redd stay playin’ herself? So Tiara calls predictably tosses a purse at her and calls her old, but no shade, y’all look the same age, so who’s zoomin’ who? Anywho, Messica takes this as her cue to start some bull shit as well, which she accomplishes by name-checking Shenellica aka Joseline, who I must admit looked snatched in the face, even if she was rockin’ Willona Woods’ “first day at The Boutique” wig. Somehow this turns into an argument about whether the latter is truly married to Stevie J. or not. Who gives a shit – nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’. Haven’t we established his relevance – and cash – is firmly ensconced in the past?

Apparently not, since Mimi is still after child support. Them Poetic Justice braids have her feeling herself as she rides home from the airport with Tiara, explaining that Joseline has encouraged her to take Stevie J. to court for child support. She admits she may have been a fool for not doing so earlier – may have? – and manages to also work in that there is a new boo in the mix… and yes, boo has a vadge. Points for sticking with this thesbian theme Mimi. Apparently she’s still been talking to Stud Bae, but she hasn’t notified Bruno Mars’ gay sister that there’s someone else in the mix. I predict her and her bouffant will be back on camera very soon. That beats them flyers I keep seeing her on around Atlanta!

Until next week!

Dhiraj Naseen

Dhiraj Naseen aka The Hostile Negress is a renowned ratchetologist and celebrated advocate of foolishment. An aspiring spinster, her hobbies include judging, not minding her business and yoga. Her spirit animal is an octopus, because she says so.

  • Kas

    A welcome surprise on a Sunday.

    • NonyaB

      Indeed. Especially as it’s been a week of “no news is good news”.

  • NonyaB

    “Now, K. Michelle may be shaped like an obscene ice cream cone…”

    Welcome back and shid, ’cause you sho’ left the streets parched but you leave ice cream outta this! ??

    • Joann Wright

      <<o. ???????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::::!be207p:….,….

  • Tee

    The J. Nicks shade is refreshing.
    Honey is just…..ewww.
    Welcome back, lady. We’ve missed you.

  • GLORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

  • Poetic Justice braids….Peach Care( and I dont even know what that is but I can guess its a GA version of SNAP) …Willona first day at the boutique…. and Im gone! Name a scholarship after me, hear?

    Hey Hostile Negress? I’ll bet you a Joseline mixtape (ahem) that Mimi’s mystery woman is Ariane.

    • “I’ll bet you a Joseline mixtape (ahem) that Mimi’s mystery woman is Ariane.”

      My thoughts exactly…minus the Joseline mixtape lol

      • Chigirl D

        My thoughts exactly. I recall an episode between the two of them and Mimi was yelling closely in her face. As a person, respect my private space and that was too close for comfort.

    • I thought that too!

      • The Hostile Negress

        Nerp – I saw them at a lesbun function this weekend and Ariane was very much there with her gf, or whateva. Mimi was solo dolo; Stud Bae threw a concerned look or three in her direction. It was all a mess – but I definitely didn’t get Mimi+Ariane tea.

        • Wow!!! You saw LHHATL live!!!! Cool.

          • The Hostile Negress

            Oh I’ve seen Bambi, Tammy, Benzino, Phaedra, Mimi, Ariane, Stud Bae and Peter Gunz – he was with a panhandler down in the quarter (NOLA) about two weeks back. I wish I was lying. I got pics, but they’re on my phone not my PC.

            • Nice. I really wanna get a picture with Momma Dee and Ernest. My favorite couple. Hopefully she will be touring with her new song & all.

            • Girl you gotta bust out a Periscope or Facebook Live for us next time. We can chip in a few coins for the data plan.

            • Melissa

              Benzino over here trying to climb back into Mona’s good graces…

              http://i.imgur.com/Bg3bUSA.gif

              • Petty Levert

                GOOD BYE!!!!!! ASDJKSDJCIXOJDIOUFJDIFJKLD

              • The Hostile Negress

                Daamn, you realize that turtle spent 49 hours getting that far, and then just one misplacement of them stubby legs ended it all?! How dare that camera person not just pick the turtle up and put him over the side!

                Oh wait, we were talking about Benzino right?

  • PDL – Cape Girl Shero

    What was Jessica Dyme wearing at the pool party?!?! A waste down, “feet out” (i.e. stop at the ankles) body stocking?!?!? What da? With alllllat big ole sloppy nasty butt (covered by itty bitty pannies, scarcely holding on), they still sagged around the knees!!! If that big butt can hold a dinner platter surely it should have held those thangs up.

    Karlie Redd should be the poster girl for “Forever Effed Over”, she does it so well. She’s been handed so many bananas in her tailpipe (pun intended). A promise ring? Promise I’m the best n1gga you neva had?!?! LAWD, she’s somebody’s mama in real life.

    Mama Dee….no, boo. Just no!

    Young Joc the coochie hunter cootie catcher. Yuck!

    The rest of the LHHA miss fits? Po thangs

  • ~*V. von Schweetz*~

    The return of Power, Ballers and the Hostile Negress! What a Sunday!

    • I have got to watch “Ballers”

      I heard that the The Rock gets naked!!

  • Lyfe didn’t even give her the “bish whet” look. He was completely unfazed by her body bouncing on the pavement.

    I straight cackled at K leaving Ariane behind.

    I was actually team Amber when Tiara tried to go in. Like, how you gon try to go in when you make your coins at the same place she does?!?

    At this point, i honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Steebie and Joseline really are/were married.

  • ” Willona Woods.. ‘first day at the boutique’ wig..”
    Don’t do the “Rhona Barrett of da ghet-tooooe” like that. That was an atrocity to all of the good lace fronts in America.

    EVERY TIME Jessica Dyme calls her “Shenellica”, I DIE.
    Ms. Betancourt gets maaaaaaaaaaaad…

    How did Karlie Redd NOT break her face? I mean is she used to tucking and rolling when being tossed out of ni66as’ cars? I mean not one scratch. She could be a stunt woman…Face crack level- EXPERT.

    Tammy is a pretty girl and I like her. She has some sense… but can she give Miss Deb a hurr consultation because her synthetic wig game is hurting my feelings… They are wigs that the ladies on the usher board wear. Praise ’em.

    CAN MIMI COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ALREADY? I mean ALL OF HER FRIENDS just HAPPEN to be lesbians? Girl bye. Wait..she can’t because she still wants Stevie… never mind.

    Ariane just needs to be pretty because she’s pretty much useless.

    Still can’t stand D.Smith.

    I hate you for the description of The Bams high-waisted gums and tic tac teeth and can we have a moment of silence for Scrap saying, “Brootiful.”

    Because I flatlined.

    Welcome back, boo!

    I was waiting on you at the doe for this!!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/82109a52df14615b270ee49216750a9da92f1e5f3e82416dbe0ba65c1245df46.jpg

    • The Hostile Negress

      Why thank you dahling. I must admit that I thought this Mimi thing was fake and phoney, but the broad showed up at one of the lesbun outtings this week, so she’s at least dabbled. But baby her legs was NOT cute (aka Monica legs) so I was underwhelmed. Plus I was there to look at the basketball players, not her pointy shoulders.

      • Don’t do Monica like that…. hahaha!! *eye roll* Mimi and Karlie Redd are way to dayum old to be this dumb.

        Basketball event with lesbuns? WNBA?

        Don’t answer that…I’m nosy!! Lol

        • The Hostile Negress

          Girl nawl, it was just a fundraiser, charity, we lub the kids type of event. But we were all there eye-pimpin’ because we beez nasty. And then up walked ol girl and chicks started running up taking pictures and thangs. Stud Bae was there too. We even had a conversation. It went something like this:

          Me: (clears throat) Y’all got some Gatorade at this table?
          Her: Yeah.

          *end scene* The Gatorade was $2. It was hot though, so I was pleased.

          • Eye pimpin!!!! I eyepimps all the time!

            But why come old baez is working the Gatorade table..

            OMFG I JUST LEGIT SCREAMED….

            I thought Mona was cutting checks, guuuurl! Lmao

            If you’re ever in Florida..Miami, Tampa or Orlando.. We going for drinks.. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3b710eab3f26d7867305de5c10a17980c185fce2130d333b3da11d9156329a86.gif

            • The Hostile Negress

              To be fair, she was just sittin’ at the table, in a position to advise about the Gatorade. In other news, because we spoke, in Lesbian, we were immediately engaged. Also in Lesbian, since it’s been about 72 hours, we are now divorced. Lesbun life is very complex.

              My personal Stud Bae is from Miami and is determined to get some Floridage in her life next month. We stayin’ with you now! lmao

    • DBoySlim

      That meme tho.

      • Ain’t it EVERAYTHAAAANG? Lmao

        • Beverly Hackler

          <<o. ???????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::::!be677p:….,..

      • Sandra Apple

        <<o. ???????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::::!bc58p:….,.

    • Cece L?ve

      I luv luv luv ur review. Right on point.?

      • Tiddays!!! Lol

        Hey sis!!:

        • Cece L?ve

          Lol… Blame my mama for these. With the heat this summer, they’re more of a problem than a benefit. Lol ?that review was on point.

  • Your writing almost makes me want to watch this show. I might pop on the recap just to put faces with names.

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