lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

in his most devoted attempt to fight crime, the champ debuted the compass in may, providing the women of vsb with an infallible guide to decipher what men really mean when we’re talking to them. despite his efforts, crime has continued and nicky minaj is still alive, heart-breaking facts inspiring the champ to clear the lines of communication a bit more with the vsb guide to what smart men usually hear when women are talking to us because sometimes the distance between what you say and what we actually hear is farther apart than shaq’s eyes.

“we need to talk…later” = “you know you done f*cked up, right? but, although i know what i need to talk at you about will probably take less than 5 minutes, i’m just going to let you linger in anticipation for the rest of the day for the upcoming guilt ridden tongue-lashing you’re going to receive about something you still have no idea you even did.”

“i miss you” = “bastard, if you dont at least tell me that you miss me back, we’re probably not having sex again until the browns win another game”

“do you think she’s attractive?” = “i need to know which types of women you find attractive so i can start hating them for no apparent reason. i’ll also need this info to limit your contact with any of my girlfriends who might favor them.”

“whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”

“i have a really attractive friend who’d be great for you” = “my friend has eight cats. five of them are better looking than she is, and, according to her last boyfriend, one of them is actually better in bed”

“do you like my new hairdo?” = “since you haven’t said anything about it yet, i’m assuming you hate it. but, if you say you like it, i’ll know you’re lying. basically, you’re f*cked.”

“how was your day?” = “did anything happen to you today that i can somehow segue into a 17 minute tangent about myself?”

“i have a boyfriend” = either “try harder” or “no offense, but i think you’re a homosexual”. no in-between.

(from a girlfriend) “i’m going out with my girls tonight” = “i’m going to go out, flirt with a ton of men, accept a bunch of free drinks, dance with my girls, grind with a couple guys like an extra in a freekey zekey video, and come home and take out all of my drunken sexual energy on you. you should be very happy with this arrangement”

“i usually get along with men much better than i get along with women” = “i’m a ho. no, seriously. i’ve held more wangs than a chinese cemetery.”

“kim’s boyfriend just got a promotion. he’s doing really well” = “you’re not going to be broke forever, are you?”

“i’m not really that hungry right now. what are you in the mood for?” = “even though i said i’m not that hungry, i’m probably going to shoot down your first three suggestions. my advice? pick a restaurant without pictures on the menu”

“i’ve had a really stressful week” = “i want your babies…on my chest”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, what gets lost in translation with us? what do you usually hear when we’re talking to you?

—the champ

  • charli skipper

    i don’t know that i have anything to add now, except what does the have your babies “on my chest” part mean? and why have i been hearing so much about this nicky minaj person lately?

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @charli skipper,

      “babies “on my chest” part mean”

      think about it… :)

    • Deviant

      @charli skipper,

      how do you not get what that means? someone should demonstrate for you..can we get a volunteer? anyone?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      and why have i been hearing so much about this nicky minaj person lately?

      because the end of the world is near

      • Sula

        @The Champ,

        2012! :lol:

  • charli skipper

    oh, i do have something. when i say, “i’ll call you later,” it usually means that i don’t particularly like or feel like talking to you today–because, h*ll, if i did, why wouldn’t we just talk now?– but by the same token, i recognize that you’ve been really sweet lately and I tend to want to support that.

    • NIC

      @charli skipper, Chuuuuuch

    • Deviant

      @charli skipper,

      when I was younger when a girl told me “I’ll call you later” I heard “you should try and bone that other girl you met until I get back to you”

    • http://abigbuttandasmile.com A Big Butt and a Smile

      @charli skipper,

      “That time of the month” is no reason not to engage in chex. To me – wet is wet.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @A Big Butt and a Smile,

        “That time of the month” is no reason not to engage in chex. To me – wet is wet.

        lol, i see someone doesnt mine mayonnaise and ketchup on their cheese steaks

        • miss t-lee

          @The Champ,
          “lol, i see someone doesnt mine mayonnaise and ketchup on their cheese steaks”

          *dry heave*

        • lct

          @The Champ,

          i think my heart stopped momentarily.

      • tnt

        @A Big Butt and a Smile,

        ooooo myyyy gooood!

      • Angelaontoday

        @A Big Butt and a Smile, umm..no

      • http://Eww Cherrell

        @A Big Butt and a Smile,

  • charli skipper

    oh, also, if i mention anything m*nstrual cycle related, it means that we won’t be havin chex today, tomorrow, or anytime this week. and i’m really trying to gross you out and turn you off on purpose so that you don’t try to lay a hand on me.

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @charli skipper,

      my girl says she only has to pull a tampon out a box and her husband just vanishes. lol.

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @V.E.G.,

        LOL

      • mari

        @V.E.G.,
        This is the way I used to get money from my Daddy…just say you’re running out of your “feminine necessities” and he’d drop whatever was in his wallet, LOL

        • http://abigbuttandasmile.com A Big Butt and a Smile

          @mari,

          LMAO!

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @V.E.G.,

        LMAO! A tampon is now the quickest way to say “dry week”

        • HabitualLineCrossa

          @Luvvie, um…no…The good Lord gave women multiple orifices for a reason…mkaaay.

          • cam1ll3

            @HabitualLineCrossa,

            i’ll agree. some of the best head action i’ve administered has been during “visit week”

          • Clever Screen Name

            @camill3,

            “i’ll agree. some of the best head action i’ve administered has been during “visit week”

            …I think I love you now.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      “oh, also, if i mention anything m*nstrual cycle related, it means that we won’t be havin chex today, tomorrow, or anytime this week”

      ***letting charli skipper know that she can expect her daily vsb “first person to completely disregard the topic” award in the mail sometime later today***

      • charli skipper

        @The Champ,

        wait! that was totally on topic!!
        *scrolls back up to reread*

        well, h*ll, there was no picture to guide me this time…ya know, i’m more of a visual poster…
        i would be embarrassed but i just love awards so dang much. lol

  • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

    lmao @ “whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”

    dead @” i’ve held more wangs than a chinese cemetery”

    bravo, Champikins!!!! as much as i want to protest and defend my gender, this list is hilariously on point. and men say they don’t understand us… *smh*

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

      Co-sign. He hit the nail on the head.

      Also: love you claiming the name!

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @V.E.G.,

        LOL thanks, veggie!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

      and men say they don’t understand us… *smh*

      we do, we just have trouble accepting that the nonsense is real

    • Ivy St.

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
      LOL! Gemmie dear, is that you?

  • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

    what women typically hear when men speak…

    ” = “chex please”

    that’s all i can think of at the moment…

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

      EXACTLY.

      “You look nice today” – as said by random stranger on the street = ‘chex please’

      “Great presentation” – said by male coworker = ‘chex please’

      “I want us to date exclusively” – said by guy you’re dating = ‘chex please’ AND ‘I don’t want you having chex with anyone else’

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @V.E.G.,

        “I want us to date exclusively” – said by guy you’re dating = ‘chex please’ AND ‘I don’t want you having chex with anyone else’

        lmao yes!!! this happened to me recently *smh* i was blind at first and then was like “oh thats why you rushed the commitment thing lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

      what do you all hear if we actually ask for sex?

      • mari

        @The Champ,

        “Would you like to throat punch me now or later?”

        lol

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @The Champ,

        i dont remember the last time a brotha flat out asked me for sex.

        • nikki87

          @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

          i do. this dude, who i’d just met when i travelled to barbados, flat out said “Can i have some sex please?” i almost died laughing. maybe he was thinking, tourist, foreign country=passionate sex on the beach…yeh, um no

    • Anonymiss

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

      lol…agreed

  • niteshiftnurse

    We want babies on our chest?

    • cam1ll3

      @niteshiftnurse,

      babies on the chest aka man’s baby cream on the chest

      • Deviant

        @cam1ll3,

        why did this have to be explained?

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @Deviant,
          I am wondering this also.

        • cam1ll3

          @Deviant and co,

          i am hanging my head in shame. i saw someone else ask and thought nsn was asking what it was as opposed to “is that what we want?” i’m usually such a good speed reader too. but at 4:30 when i’m half asleep…maybe not so good…apologies friends.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @cam1ll3,

        Even I, the VSB resident unicorn, knew this. Then again, I’m observant. ;)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @niteshiftnurse,

      usually

  • overit

    “whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”

    LOL. true, in some cases. i throw smiley faces in most e-tawk. a lot of these made me laugh, thanks champ!

    ps) i miss (some of) you people!

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @overit,

      I miiiiiiis you.
      there was an Overit around these parts.
      I knowed it wasn’t you. ;)

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @overit,

      *sigh* U and me us neva part. I miss some folks ’round here too.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @overit,

      miss deez

  • overit

    OK, and for the record, girls who say “i get along better with men”, should fo walk on a bed of rusty nails. no tet shot.

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

      @overit,
      please and thank you. my eBaby is so smart!

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @overit,

      *dap*

      It’s such a bullish statement and most of the time is only used under the misconception that men like that sh*t just because they say women are nothin’ but drama.

  • Blacklaw

    My 2 pennies on what I hear

    “Im really into women and gender studies/ im a feminist” = I like D’s, I like them often, I will put them in my mouth, Im not all that good at Oral D play so you will need to coach……..

    “I don’t give head” = Im not good at oral D play so you will need to coach/i will gladly take head all evening long

    I love sports” = I like D’s…and Ive been in a relationship with a guy who liked sports and Oral D play

    “Im got a lot of work to do” = No D play tonite…..No I really mean that u need to get some vaseline and a sock of ur choice

    “You remind me of my ex” = me and my girls gonna have a convo about u and the foul ish u just said/did

    “you kinda look like my ex” = Ni99a dont think u the cutest i ever been with

    that’s all for now

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

      @Blacklaw,

      lol. just, lol.

    • IVR

      @Blacklaw, LOL! WOW!

    • http://abigbuttandasmile.com A Big Butt and a Smile

      @Blacklaw,

      SMH

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Blacklaw,

      ““you kinda look like my ex” = Ni99a dont think u the cutest i ever been with”

      *cracking up*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Blacklaw,

      “Im really into women and gender studies/ im a feminist” = I like D’s, I like them often, I will put them in my mouth, Im not all that good at Oral D play so you will need to coach……..

      lol, this reminds me of the chris rock joke about abortion rallies.

      if you haven’t heard it, too bad

      • Blacklaw

        @The Champ, One thing you know for certain about a chick getting one….lol

  • grayse

    Him: (If first getting to know each other) “Let’s just go back to my place and watch a movie” = “Either a) Im too broke to actually take you anywhere or b) Really, Im just tryna cut”

    And yeah- I dont trust a woman that claims not to have many female friends and gets a long better with guys… this makes me think YOURE the problem. Every woman needs a set of good female friends and if youre incapable of having any- you are probably a low down, dirty hussy.

    • HabitualLineCrossa

      @grayse, Him: (If first getting to know each other) “Let’s just go back to my place and watch a movie” = “Either a) Im too broke to actually take you anywhere or b) Really, Im just tryna cut”

      Cook for you and watch a movie were interchangeable in my book and but the former worked so much betta.

      “Every woman needs a set of good female friends” = Lets file this under…things that don’t exist/oxymoron/about as attainable as nirvana etc…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @HabitualLineCrossa,

        “Every woman needs a set of good female friends” = Lets file this under…things that don’t exist/oxymoron/about as attainable as nirvana etc…

        especially for hoes

      • VeronicaCorningstoneD

        @HabitualLineCrossa,

        totes disagree. i’ve got a good set of girlfriends and the world continues to spin on its axis.

        • HabitualLineCrossa

          @VeronicaCorningstoneD, I can’t help but wonder…would your man, in a private convo with his boys, cosign your statement?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @grayse,

      welcome back and sh*t, gray girl