“Goal-Oriented=I’ve Already Planned Out our Wedding and the Invitations Are Ready To Be Sent”

I’m starting to think “You’re so young” means: Even though I no longer worry about my girlfriends thinking I’m a slut for taking a man home that I just met because we’re all at the age where we understand the need for a woman to have an itch thoroughly and deliciously scratched now and then, I will never hear the last of the cradle robbing jokes and while that may not necessarily be enough to deter me, I’m still self-conscious to the point where I’d be afraid to look you in the eyes with your hard toned naked body pressed up against mine because I’m afraid of what time has done to me and I know you’re one of those guys that would be looking me dead in the eyes waiting for me to scream ‘Ay Papi’ and to be honest, I’m just looking for a piece of ass tonight and don’t want to tell with some young boy calling me at work and at home for the next couple months until he gets the message because I know that in the morning you’d make those puppy dog eyes at me or just take my phone and call yours and I won’t have the heart or energy to break the truth to your fine, young, fragile, mind.

2. Single, no kids.

3. Tells the truth.

4. Looks aren’t important

5. Likes to experience new things.

What women mean:

1. I only date guys who are like my high school boyfriend, nice up front, but only until the f*ck me in the a**.

2. Your money, like the truth, is to be given to me, only me, and spent on nothing but me.

3. If I ever catch you in a lie, people will start replacing “Mrs. Bobbit” with “Miss. My Name”.

4. However, you WILL wear EXACTLY what I say, especially when out with me.

5. Will watch Lifetime with me for 8 hours instead of the last 3 games of the NBA finals all scheduled for the same day.

What men mean:

1. You better espouse Destiny Child’s ‘Independent Woman’ so much that I need to keep telling YOU “no honey, I don’t need another Maserati”.

2. I don’t want to live in fear of disciplining someone’s kids thinking that Big James from da block will be out to beat my ass once he gets out of jail because little Travis decided to whine to his “real” daddy.

3. Actually, I don’t care. But I know you’re only going to go for a guy who is “deep” and shows some sensitivity. Excuse me while I memorize my story of friendship almost destroyed by a lie that I will reluctantly reveal to you on the second date exactly 30 minutes before pulling your panties off with my teeth.

4. I haven’t pulled a 21yo coed at the club in over 6 months. I think it’s time I retired my jersey. Plus people keep muttering “mothballs” when I walk in and apparently I can’t keep up with the new slang.

5. I read that anal is the modern day equivalent of getting brain in the front seat of a Hummer. However, adventurous to me means you will continue PRETENDING to be all shocked when I pull you into the business class bathroom on the plane to Atlantic City, even though we both know that this wouldn’t be happening if YOU didn’t have the condoms in your purse.

Obviously, I have more insight into the male psyche.