Link/Email of The Week: Report Card.

Posted on 17 July, 2008 by Panama Jackson

In case you didn’t get the memo, men and women tend to think about stuff differently.

I know, shocking.

Well in today’s episode of link/email of the week, I’d like to toss something out there and see if men and women are viewing this the same way. I’m very much so interested in this. Perhaps I’m wrong and the disagreement/debate I’m having RIGHT NOW with my girlfriend is just my wayward thinking. Help me Rhonda, oh help help me Rhonda.

Gander:

Sometime late last summer, I went on a couple of dates with an attractive, well-spoken, and charming entrepreneur we’ll call Drew. Drew tended to ask me out for Thursday evenings, and yet, still be a little miffed when I wanted to be home by midnight. Not to be my mother, but it’s a school night! After a full day in the office, a full evening on the town can be a lot of effort. For what would have been our third date, and as an invitation to meet his friends, Drew left me a voicemail one afternoon.

“… Thursday night, if you can bring your A-game. Peace out.”

Peace out? Were we on the same paintball team? It wasn’t even the goofy signoff that got me. I remember being most taken aback by the bit about bringing my A-game. I have never been accused of being a bad time or bringing down the group fun quotient. Was insulting me really meant to woo me? Maybe. At the very least it was thoughtless and ultimately, a deal breaker.

-How To Lose a Girl in 10 Words, Heather Hunter, iVillage.com

Perhaps I’m just a Master A**hole, but I don’t see the big deal. In fact, I’m still searching for the insult. I pulled out GoogleMaps and everything. Now perhaps the voicemail wasn’t the best way to do it. But oh well. Oops. It’s only the third date, you get the massaged voicemails intended to cater to your inner good soul on date four.

From Ms. Hunter’s vantage, him telling her to bring her A-game implies that at some point in the 2 dates prior, she didn’t bring her A-game. My girlfriend shares this same sentiment.

I on the other hand don’t think that’s the case, necessarily. I think that it is wholly possible that he’s just telling her to bring her A-game to say…period. There is no before in his mind that says “well she kind of brought her C-game on that last date, I might need to remind her that this is a big deal.” Hell if she really sucked, there wouldn’t be a third date. Or…maybe their would, but it wouldn’t be to meet his friends, if you know what I mean.

Heh heh heh.

But I digress.

Dudes do it all a time. It’s just a reminder of the levity of the situation. When we go play ball, you’re gonna tell your boys to bring their best game…EVEN IF THEY ALWAYS DO. It’s just a means to drive a point home. Nothing more nothing less and generally it isn’t always meant to make you feel like you haven’t been living up to your potential. Now the case might exist where your boy has been stinking up the court, but in that case, when you tell him, it’s more a threat, and you probably won’t continue playing with him. See? No further dates.

And especially when dating…if she was REALLY slacking, would she even be on date number three? Granted, he might not have seen her naked yet, but still, men bore easily and if she really sucked (no pun intended), I’d never talk to her again after date two.

So good people of VSB.com, am I missing something here? Was what he said really that offensive or is she just being overly sensitive? Is this a chick thing where she’s just over-reading into his statement and its possible he really means nothing? Or is he just a jacka** like so many men before him?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

soulfirelp

ok P,
personally I feel like she just might be reading in between the lines too deep. It’s true…she wouldn’t be around for a 3rd date if he wasn’t interested…unless he’s on a serious mission for the panties. Plus, everyone knows it’s major to meet the friends…so duh…”bring your A-game” naturally. Friends are there to look at you under a scope(intimidate, make faces if u say dumb stuff, etc, etc)…for protection of thier “friend” of course.

My advice…be easy girl
- Gemini
  
  I agree that she might have been reading into it a bit much. And he was right about guys getting bored easily and if he didn’t want to go out with her, he wouldn’t have called her for a third date in the first place.
  
  I feel that him telling her to bring her “A” game, might mean he has the type of friends that might drill her–not to make her cry–but just to see if she’s the right person their freind should be dating. So he could have been warning her that his friends could get a little nosey, but she shouldn’t really worry about anything.
  
  Really this all just goes back to us women in general reading way more into a situation than necessary.
  - soulfirelp
    
    yeah she was overeacting a bit
http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115

“… Thursday night, if you can bring your A-game. Peace out.”

I think she read into this one. Thats just the way men talk ya know. I mean she doesnt know who was going to be there and he was just giving her a heads up. Bring your A game. I mean really. And????
- Bougie1
  
  I think she did read too much into it as well, but I don’t like when guys talk to me as though their talking to one of their boys….. I mean don’t use the same verbiage you would use with them. I’m the chick you trying to chill with…
Miss Patterson

i think this guy is still reading from his 5th grade flirting rule book. imo, this situation sometimes depends on the girl/guy vibe they have going on. sometimes the exchange is playful from the start. but i think that when men start talking to you like you’re their homie early in the game it’s a sign that he wants to a) keep you as a phuck buddy or b) phase you out. i’m only saying this because we’re talking about date 3, not month 3. in the later stages exchanges like this are cute and funny and just sort of roll of your back. but my experience has been that this kind of talk is a sign that he’s not exactly thinking “relationship”. …but then i wonder why the hell is this guy introducing her to his friends??? see boys confuse me. >(
- http://www.myspace.com/soulfirelp soulfirelp
  
  things that make u go hmmm?!
- http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl
  
  “but my experience has been that this kind of talk is a sign that he’s not exactly thinking “relationship”. ”
  
  ***cues Shirley Ceasar to sing “Hold My Mule***
  
  EXACTLY!!!!
  
  “bring your “A” game isn’t exactly pillow/courtship talk. He’s lookin for a cute “road dog” buddy. Not a girl friend.
  
  All bets would be off for me. I also don’t appreciate a guy who is “wooing” me indirectly or directly using the words “dude”, “man”, “son” with references to me in the sentence.
  
  If a man is really interested he’s not supposed to be talking to you like your his ace boom coon on the street.
  
  Now I might make an exception (because I do have a little competitive streak) about bowling, checkers, and scrabble…so if its just me and him over a glass of wine. And he’s all like…”girl get ready for a mean game of scrabble..and bring your “A” game and your dictionary…well then thats just friendly banter (that might get me a little hot under the collar LOL)
  - Miss Patterson
    
    “If a man is really interested he’s not supposed to be talking to you like you’re his ace boom coon on the street.”
    
    Exactly. ace boom coon talk= homie lover friend.
    …esto no es bueno
    - http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
      
      Thats not always true. I would think he is comfortable around her enough to speak to her as he speaks to everyone els ehe knows. Isn’t that a good thing? For me if you are the type of girl I have to watch what I say around or use another set of mannerisms I don’t normally use you won’t be around long if at all. Dont you want to be you man’s ace boom?
      - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
        
        I would think he is comfortable around her enough to speak to her as he speaks to everyone els ehe knows. Isn’t that a good thing? For me if you are the type of girl I have to watch what I say around or use another set of mannerisms I don’t normally use you won’t be around long if at all. Dont you want to be you man’s ace boom?
        
        ***Order of the Eastern Star***
      - Miss Patterson
        
        “Don’t you want to be your man’s ace boom?”
        
        duh. of course. but he ain’t even her man yet. look, a lot of the brothas on this site are always saying that if a guy is really into you, you won’t need to be asking yourself all of these ‘questions’, and that there will be no room for misinterpretation. so, all we can gather from this scenario is that he left a lot of room for misinterpretation by her. ultimately it’s not about all of these specifics regarding his diction, or grammar, or slang it’s how did he make her feel all of those other nights? obviously, at the end of the day she didn’t feel like he was bringing his a-game. (btw, i think the original article is missing some detail. there’s no mention of the conversation where he said ‘i’d like you to meet my friends’…so we’re only left to assume how that was delivered…and one should never assume, right?)
        
        http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
        
        I’m learning that it doesn’t matter what a man does there will always be analysis. You could be married for fifteen years and there will always be some sort of analysis over soem random statement.
        I don’t think any more detail is necessary. Just going off what was given it was a case of overanalysis. if it wasn’t this she would have gone off the deep end over the fact that he didn’t hold the door for her or he called her at 9:30 pm. No assumptions should have to be made because they are unnecessary. She should have just took the statement at face value and moved on. If she cannot she should have just called him back and asked him what he meant. Never assume anything.
      - http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk
        
        Not true at all. Every man wants his woman to be his ‘Ace’ – aka: Ride Or Die Chick.
    - http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl
      
      “Dont you want to be you man’s ace boom?”
      
      damn this is a blog post in and of itself…
      
      the answer alex is: What is that one thing I never want to be to my man.
      
      His friend YES. His Lover YES…
      
      Miss Pat said “homie lover friend” different connotation altogether.
  - http://www.myspace.com/soulfirelp soulfirelp
    
    i see your point
    in those beginning stages you(meaning I) do want him to be interested in me as his girl, not homie so words like (dude, son, etc)that can be read wrong. plus you don’t want to accept labels that aren’t flattering you as a lady
    however, in the scenario above he didn’t use those terms i could deal w/it
  - Conscience
    
    …”girl get ready for a mean game of scrabble..and bring your “A” game and your dictionary…well then thats just friendly banter (that might get me a little hot under the collar LOL)
    
    That sounds like something I would say. I am kind of a big deal in scrabble……..That is all.
    - http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula
      
      Hmm, I’m with you on that. . . especially since I said those exact words to some chick a few months ago.
      
      And yeah. . she brought her A game and beat me by a few points. . . only computers at the hardest level usually manage to beat me. . .
      
      So of course, being the loser, I had to give the massage. . .
  - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
    
    ace boom coon
    
    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I have a migraine…don’t make me laugh…too late…that was funny!
- http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115
  
  i think it varies from man to man. or woman to woman. I know I am way sensitive sometimes but if I had received this I would have been cool.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

I think she’s over reacting. We women do that sometimes, see a whole bunch of crazy stuff thats not there. When we’re really feeling a guy we def. analyze every phrase and action.

If she had relaxed and thought about the situation rationally she’d have realized that no matter how he said it she was still being advanced to the next round. Women with real skill think emotionally first (as is natural to us) and then rationally second.

Honestly though, if she’s that easily offended by dude I dont think it was going to work out anyway.
- http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115
  
  “We women do that sometimes, see a whole bunch of crazy stuff thats not there. When we’re really feeling a guy we def. analyze every phrase and action. ”
  
  I love that………its so true
- http://www.myspace.com/soulfirelp soulfirelp
  
  i’ve been known as an overanalyzer in my former life
  
  hee hee
- genius khan
  
  Dom: “If she had relaxed and thought about the situation rationally she’d have realized that no matter how he said it she was still being advanced to the next round. Women with real skill think emotionally first (as is natural to us) and then rationally second.
  
  Honestly though, if she’s that easily offended by dude I dont think it was going to work out anyway.”
  
  ur right on point Dom. too g-dam sensitive/emotional, overanalyzing every lil thing and her standard of expectancies/entitlement is also probably un realistic. if it wasnt this sityo it would have been the next dumb shit before he realized: “this bitc* crazy.
  
  not that all women are like this but more women than men. (lotta gay men too) very very sensitive to emotional influence. i’m not tip toe-ing around on eggshells to meet this womans expectations. seem like women can see these things SOMETIMES in retrospect or when it’s not involving them directly and by then it’s too late.
  
  done there been that.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “Honestly though, if she’s that easily offended by dude I dont think it was going to work out anyway.”
  
  ***pews***
http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

Without knowing what happened on the other dates, its hard to say.

I don’t like playing the guessing game, so if it would have been me and I wasn’t sure what he meant, I would have just called him back and asked him what he meant by “bring my A game.”
- http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115
  
  “I would have just called him back and asked him what he meant by “bring my A game.”
  
  Exactly. when unsure ASK!!!! it doesnt hurt. It may not be what you want to hear but you will have your answer and all clarity.
  
  Thanks VSB because you all are really helping me.
- genius khan
  
  Sheila and utc115 (maybe i’m making this too easy but…) i think what he meant by “bring your A game was:
  
  you’re just one of the homies dude and i’m trying to let the rest of the homies see if you are cool/relaxed enough to start hanging with us. shit we might even get you a job on the construction crew we work on. we need a wheelbarrel pusher and a cinder block toter. now if you don’t come looking and smelling like a butch the entire world will stop spinning and nuclear bombs will end mankinds existence on this earth. it’s all riding on you my niacuh. so “bring your A game!”
  
  see what’s so hard about that. it’s simple shit, common sense even.
  
  however i can see how one could be confused because women often are not thorough or succint in expressing why an action is taken in a scenario like this. so she probably left out a lot of information from prior dates that was detrimental to you all analyzing this sityo. …and with it being so important and peoples lives hanging in the balance, i could see why you wouldn’t feel comfortable without the video footage from every communication/date. good catch govnuhs.
  - http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia
    
    Genius Khan, it might be that he’s put you in “homie status” but yes it is confusing and a matter of interpretation. I can see that conclusion from that one statement…but it could mean something else.
    
    I guess before getting pissed off by a statement like that, it’s best to get things clarified.
  - http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk
    
    Too Funny GK!!
Nut

“… Thursday night, if you can bring your A-game. Peace out.”

Now I’ve read all the other comments (and right now there aren’t that many) and I see what you ladies are saying, but the A game comment would not have been so harsh to me if it didn’t include ‘if you can’. I think that is not considerate seeing that I’m the person accomodating because this is usually not my partying schedule.

“Drew tended to ask me out for Thursday evenings, and yet, still be a little miffed when I wanted to be home by midnight. Not to be my mother, but it’s a school night! After a full day in the office, a full evening on the town can be a lot of effort. For what would have been our third date, and as an invitation to meet his friends, Drew left me a voicemail one afternoon.”

Not only is he insisting on doing something that she wasn’t the happiest about, he was asking her to give more; her A game if she could. I think that we women over analyse because men tend to not be forth coming with the whole truth giving us no other choice but to guess what you mean. If I can bring my A game sounds like he is implying that I usually don’t but he wanted me to go out of my way to try. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but if I were in this situation it would be a deal breaker for me too. If I’m already being accommodating ( not too keen on the Thursday nite date but going anyway) for you to ask for more on the third date just means that when you get to know me better there will be more expected with little to no consideration for my feelings. It’s a sign that we are not compatible.
- Conscience
  
  “Maybe I am reading too much into this”
  
  I concur
- genius khan
  
  Nut makes the case: “Not only is he insisting on doing something that she wasn’t the happiest about…”
  
  yep dude in the story seemed to always be insisting things. when i read that i knew he was too demanding.
  
  good call govnuh.
  
  another good catch Nut: “…but the A game comment would not have been so harsh to me if it didn’t include ‘if you can’. ”
  
  here’s the quote from the parent text:
  
  “… Thursday night, if you can bring your A-game. Peace out.”
  
  this sentence fragment doesn’t offer things in context. this could be what is referred to as a ambiguous noun. …in which case it could have meant if you can come on the date at all but it’s best to choose the worst case scenario in these cases ladies.
  
  or it could have been a playful challenge like telling a mathematical genius to bring his calculator to a math symposium. (of course she will although she may not need it) a playful challenge like telling Michael Jordan to bring his jump shot. (a cynical compliment) …but as i say it’s always best to choose the worst case scenario out of all the possibilities. …and if you can only think of the worst then that’s even better. right on point ladies.
  
  i mean she told the dude explicitly she didn’t like going out and couldn’t stay out late on thursdays because she had class the next day. what an asshole. men r stupid. i mean if he couldn’t read her mind he defenitely should have known when she straight forward told the nicca. he stupid.
  
  best of all she probably didn’t communicate succintly why she broke the deal and it serves him right. he should have known and know better.
  
  this was a good one.
  
  salute!
  - http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
    
    I like sarcasm
bms

Unfortunately, I do feel like she was overreacting…..
If the 3rd date was just a dinner and movie then yes, perhaps feel a little offended, but meeting friends – BIG deal and by all means: BRING “A-GAME”. It is not to imply that she is an idiot: meaning she lacks the good sense to be on her best behavior and to make sure she is looking “on point” (OR SHE HAS NOT BEEN THUS FAR). It is rather a playful/tactful way to stress the importance of said situation: he LIKES you, he wants to impress his friends and ultimately he is seeking their approval – I mean envy.
I think what we as “girls” are responding to is the “peace out” portion of the statement. The girly, romantic, read too many books, watch too much television side of us wanted him to end the conversation by saying something eloquent, but let’s cut the dude some slack… how many times in the beginning of dating someone do we hang up the phone hitting ourselves in the head wishing we would having ended the convo better or recorded a better VM. Yes, as a 30-ish female dating another 30-ish male, “peace-out” is not my ideal phrase and should ultimately not be part of your repertoire, but I don’t feel it is a sign that he is not interested or is being disrespectful.
- Miss Patterson
  
  @ bms. i’m not even reading into the whole ‘a-game’ thing…i guess it’s more the ‘peace out’ thing. i dunno just sounds sort of like he’s the kind of guy that would try to give you a pound or some dap after sex. i’m not sayin’ he had to get all midnight quiet storm on her a$$, but if this date is such a ‘big deal’ (& again who’s introducing friends on the 3rd date?) couldn’t he have at least spoken to her on the phone?
  
  see, again this is where i get confused. this is not an across the board male mating call. some men use this laid back/we cool n shit approach to signal that they like you & want to get to know you, while others have used this same approach to say ‘hey wanna phuck? oh…and you cool as phuck, come kick it w/me & my boyz.’ ya feel me? does anyone feel me?
  … peace, i’m out (lol)
  - http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
    
    You are overthinking. Relax and put your feet up. Have some crown.
    - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
      
      @ Deviant…crown royal on ice???
      - http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
        
        thats doable.
  - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
    
    PatteeCakes…I think you are looking too deep into something that ain’t that deep…now granted, we were given an excerpt to analyze…and that is exactly what is happening…but really…you typed that:
    
    this is not an across the board male mating call. some men use this laid back/we cool n shit approach to signal that they like you & want to get to know you, while others have used this same approach to say ‘hey wanna phuck? oh…and you cool as phuck, come kick it w/me & my boyz.’
    
    which is true…there is nothing acroos the bosrd on either side of the board…and everyone has their own rules…it’s like UNO…(er’body plays that game different!) but you can’t apply YOUR logic to someone else’s behaviors…this is where we (women) go astray er’time…just relax…and enjoy getting to know a man…you will never be able to do that if you are always reading between his lines…you feel me??
    - http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
      
      *first missionary baptist taylorsville*
    - Miss Patterson
      
      “you will never be able to do that if you are always reading between his lines…you feel me??”
      
      i do…and i don’t. i think i’m reacting more to my own personal experience with this type of scenario. except that instead of like this columnist i let things play out and i went on that date…and no it wasn’t pretty.
    - http://myspace.com/time4sumakshone AkShone
      
      “You can’t apply YOUR logic to someone else’s behaviors”
      
      - And there you have it…
  - http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula
    
    I thought that was a voicemail? If that’s the case, it sounds like he made an attempt to speak to her on the phone and her busy ass decided not to take the call.
    
    Then she hears the message and nexted him out of her life.
Mikki

I (as the ultimate over analyzer) Think she was over reacting a tad bit.

My first reaction was maybe they going to play basketball or something??

Second reaction Ok so they go out every Thursday on work day and he knows she is laid back because its a work day so he cuts her a bunch of slack on date 1 and 2 but date 3 he wants her to meet his friends, for one thats a bit soon, but she shoulda been flattered because to me that says a lot about you (if infact he is actually as good as you described him to be)

So he is saying (IF YOU CAN) knowing she works hard and likes to go easy on a work week. So he can basically let his friends know she is a potential keeper.

I think he was nice about it, he coulda said woman u been slacken on ya pimpin and i don’t want your lazy a*s actin like u did on our first two dates so get cha mind right so u can meet the homies yo peace out!! NICCA!
- http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl
  
  ” think he was nice about it, he coulda said woman u been slacken on ya pimpin and i don’t want your lazy a*s actin like u did on our first two dates so get cha mind right so u can meet the homies yo peace out!! NICCA!”
  
  Mik he coulda said that???? for real???
  - miss t-lee
    
    LOL!!! –Really…I don’t think he could have said that…
    - Mikki
      
      lol yall he COULDA!!
      - miss t-lee
        
        Throat punch…all I’m saying…lol
kalia

there is a lot of room for assumptions and interpretations after reading this little blurb, so i can’t say who is overreacting and who is not. however, what stood out to me even more than the language of choice was the implication that she should somehow step it up before meeting his friends. this can be tricky because no woman wants to hear, “i’m going to introduce you to my friends/family/co-workers….can you look cute/be fun/be interesting?”…not a good look. we want to feel like you know we are already these things, so the call to step it up when meeting friends lends itself to subtle insecurities and questions about whether we are up to par (in your eyes) on an avg. day.

i know that guys like to have a beautiful/smart/charming (ect.) woman to represent for them. i don’t have a problem with that. as a matter of fact, i appreciate the opportunity to represent for my man. but i don’t want to feel like a trophy that he can dust and shine when company comes over. i want to bring my “a-game” not because he told me, but because i do that naturally. i want my man to have confidence in the fact that i will indeed do the wonderful me that i am, and that in itself is bringing my “a-game.”

maybe I’m the one who is reading too much into it, lol!
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “however, what stood out to me even more than the language of choice was the implication that she should somehow step it up before meeting his friends.”
  
  he’s not making this implication though. he’s just being facetious, which, admittedly, doesnt always go over well in text/voicemail
  - kalia
    
    i can see that……i agree that voicemail and text often leaves too much room for interpretation which just leads to rumination. so i guess the party leaving the message should stay away from ambiguous statements, and the person recieving the message should not jump to conclusions but chill out until they can speak with the person so see what they meant. i admit that i might think a little about what he meant by the message, but it wouldn’t be ‘make it or break it’ in terms of the friendship/relationship….
  - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
    
    @Champ.emotion is lost in text/email…but a voicemail? you can convey all the emotion you want…we only got a snippett of the message…and it was text not audio…so how can we correctly discern his intent…I maintain…she is tripping…
As Is

It could be a few things:

*He might have one of those sense of humors where you can’t tell if he’s serious or not, but he’s usually joking. I am seeing someone like that and it drives me crazy! He’ll say something, I’ll get all upset and say, OMG! Are you SERIOUS?” And his response is always, “damn, it was a joke!” So, that’s one way to look at it.

*We also don’t really know how the first 2 dates went. She may have been a kill-joy the first two dates, looking at her watch every 5 minutes, asking, “how long are we going to be out?” and so on. Maybe he was determined to show her a good time and in order to do that, she had to be willing and accepting. Thus the term, “bring your A-game!”

*But here is my thing-since they’ve gone out 2 Thursdays, and were in the process of going out a third time, that’s three weeks. During those 3 weeks, I’m sure they’ve chatted on the phone, texted, emailed, SOMETHING! Something had to have been mentioned about the first two dates during those 3 weeks! The pros, the cons, the fun or lack of, what to do on the next date, SOMETHING! So, my point for bullet #3 is that she had to have picked up on something in those 3 weeks that would have explained the “A-game” comment.

That’s my take on it….
- http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl
  
  I am seeing someone like that and it drives me crazy! He’ll say something, I’ll get all upset and say, OMG! Are you SERIOUS?” And his response is always, “damn, it was a joke!” So, that’s one way to look at it.
  –
  
  I dunno….haven’t you heard that saying that in humor there in lies the truth.
  - As Is
    
    Yes Girl! And I tell him that all the time! His response is always, “Nah, man. It was just a joke!”