Lists, Theory & Essay

link of the week: “why men marry some women and not others”

last week, vsb reader p. merchant forwarded us a link to john t. molloy’s “why men marry some women and not others“, a comprehensive statistical study examining each gender’s dating, mating, and marriage tendencies.

although marriage was the focus of his research, many of his findings translate for all people, matrimony-minded or not. here’s six of them

1. men do have a biological clock, based on their desire to be an active father (especially to their sons)

2. all wives are trophy wives—men marry women whom they admire and like to show off (but not necessarily for their physical appearance)

3. men believe that they can size up a woman in 5 minutes. They’re usually wrong. If a man doesn’t call, it’s because he realizes that he made a mistake.

4. men don’t typically think of themselves as “dating” until after 4-6 dates

women typically think of themselves as “dating” after 2-3 dates, hence the problem

5. the fact that your man doesn’t bring you roses, but instead plops on your couch to watch TV and takes you for granted is actually a natural stage and the hallmark of almost all serious relationships—not a deal-killer.

6. the women who insist on being treated well are 2x as likely to end up marrying their man. no one marries a servant

so, people of vsb, what say you? which is gospel, and which is garbage? speak your minds and sh*t.

–the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    I do think men go out w/ women they like to show off. And they bone the ones w/ the “Buttafaces”. And the “dating” assumption is a killer. Folks be assuming too much ish. Until it is explicitly stated, you need to know you ain’t “booed up” yet.

    With that being said, who’s gon be in DC for inaug? We need to do a VSB meetup!

    • http://www.twitter.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      @Luvvie,

      I’m in…leaving Friday am

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @Intellectual Hedonist, hmmph! so? and…
        who’s gonna be watching the steelers with a terrible towel in their back pocket and an iron city beer in their hand?

        • superwoman

          @Miss Patterson, who exactly are these steelers?? basetball? american football? from where?, exactly?

          • eff yo couch

            @superwoman,

            It doesn’t really matter because it’s all about the E-A-G-L-E-S . . .EAGLES!!!!! Philadelphia that is

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

              @eff yo couch,

              HOLLA!!!!!

              Real football fans BLEED EAGLES GREEN!!

              • Rita

                @blackberry molasses,

                Real football fans BLEED EAGLES GREEN!!

                i concur.most definitely.

              • Rita

                @blackberry molasses,

                Real football fans BLEED EAGLES GREEN!!

                i concur.most definitely.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @blackberry molasses,

                bleed deez

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @blackberry molasses,

                bleed deez

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @The Champ,

                You want me to? Really? Cause I have my scalpel ready. But are YOU ready to lose your ability to bear children and grow a beard… these are the questions you must ponder.

                Oh, and I don’t believe in anesthesia….

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @The Champ,

                You want me to? Really? Cause I have my scalpel ready. But are YOU ready to lose your ability to bear children and grow a beard… these are the questions you must ponder.

                Oh, and I don’t believe in anesthesia….

              • temps

                @blackberry molasses, you betta win this weekend or Ried/McNabb run is over sans a Championship

              • temps

                @blackberry molasses, you betta win this weekend or Ried/McNabb run is over sans a Championship

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

              @eff yo couch,

              HOLLA!!!!!

              Real football fans BLEED EAGLES GREEN!!

          • eff yo couch

            @superwoman,

            It doesn’t really matter because it’s all about the E-A-G-L-E-S . . .EAGLES!!!!! Philadelphia that is

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @superwoman,

            who exactly are these steelers?? basetball? american football? from where?, exactly?

            american football, and they’re from the best city on earth

            • superwoman

              @The Champ, and the best city on earth is……??????

              if you were asking me, it’d be a toss up between dar-es-salaam and new york city… but that’s just me.

              • Leila

                @superwoman, Don’t listen to the Champ. New York City is the best city on earth:)

              • Leila

                @superwoman, Don’t listen to the Champ. New York City is the best city on earth:)

              • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

                @superwoman,

                NYC is NOT the best city on earth. I reject that stipulation wholeheartedly. I don’t heart NYC, and I have a plethora of reasons.

                Hate to shamelessly plug but I just wrote a post bout that b/c I visited it. http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2009/01/i-dont-heart-new-york.html

              • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

                @superwoman,

                NYC is NOT the best city on earth. I reject that stipulation wholeheartedly. I don’t heart NYC, and I have a plethora of reasons.

                Hate to shamelessly plug but I just wrote a post bout that b/c I visited it. http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2009/01/i-dont-heart-new-york.html

              • overit

                @superwoman, dar es salaam DEF! holla.

              • overit

                @superwoman, dar es salaam DEF! holla.

            • superwoman

              @The Champ, and the best city on earth is……??????

              if you were asking me, it’d be a toss up between dar-es-salaam and new york city… but that’s just me.

            • Voiceofreason

              @The Champ,

              The best city on earth??? Can you provide examples of why or how?

              I love how you show love for Pgh out of obligation. I’m a loyal Steeler fan, but that’s about as far as my love extends for this place.

              • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

                @Voiceofreason, really? no love for the Burgh outside of the steelers? not even with a basket of O fries and a bottle of heinz ketchup…not even with a perogie and a beer? not even with that twangy dialect in your ear and a landscape that’s been frozen in time so that you can go back to your childhood home and remember it exactly as you left it 16 years ago? my advice: leave and come back. the love will be much stronger.

              • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

                @Voiceofreason, really? no love for the Burgh outside of the steelers? not even with a basket of O fries and a bottle of heinz ketchup…not even with a perogie and a beer? not even with that twangy dialect in your ear and a landscape that’s been frozen in time so that you can go back to your childhood home and remember it exactly as you left it 16 years ago? my advice: leave and come back. the love will be much stronger.

              • Voiceofreason

                @ Miss Patterson,

                I left about 10 years ago and I’ve been back for about a year now. I’m extremely excited about connecting with family and friends that I couldn’t see when I was away and I love my cheap rent (I was in Queens before coming back) but other than that I’m just not feeling it here. I wish I could take everybody with me when I move again.

              • Voiceofreason

                @ Miss Patterson,

                I left about 10 years ago and I’ve been back for about a year now. I’m extremely excited about connecting with family and friends that I couldn’t see when I was away and I love my cheap rent (I was in Queens before coming back) but other than that I’m just not feeling it here. I wish I could take everybody with me when I move again.

              • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

                @Voiceofreason and Miss Patterson,

                U know… almost all of my close girlfriends currently live in other cities and I get into this conversation all the time. I just think it depends on what ur looking for and what’s important to you. It’s definitely a chill laid back city. If you’re looking for fast a whole lot of paced night life, or a plethora of eligible gainfully employed black men (:-))… ur not going to find it here. Idk. I heart pgh. I have lived in other cities too (for short periods of time). I think that Pittsburgh is a very comfortable city to live in. Like your fave pair of jeans. Feels good and comfy. Not fly like a hot pair of stillettos – that’s Manhattan – or buppie paradise – that’s DMV (lol)… but warm and comfy. That’s the best word i can think of too describe it. Except for Equitable Gas. that company is the devil.

              • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

                @Voiceofreason and Miss Patterson,

                U know… almost all of my close girlfriends currently live in other cities and I get into this conversation all the time. I just think it depends on what ur looking for and what’s important to you. It’s definitely a chill laid back city. If you’re looking for fast a whole lot of paced night life, or a plethora of eligible gainfully employed black men (:-))… ur not going to find it here. Idk. I heart pgh. I have lived in other cities too (for short periods of time). I think that Pittsburgh is a very comfortable city to live in. Like your fave pair of jeans. Feels good and comfy. Not fly like a hot pair of stillettos – that’s Manhattan – or buppie paradise – that’s DMV (lol)… but warm and comfy. That’s the best word i can think of too describe it. Except for Equitable Gas. that company is the devil.

              • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

                @Voiceofreason and Miss Patterson,

                U know… almost all of my close girlfriends currently live in other cities and I get into this conversation all the time. I just think it depends on what ur looking for and what’s important to you. It’s definitely a chill laid back city. If you’re looking for fast or a whole lot of paced night life, or a plethora of eligible gainfully employed black men (:-))… ur not going to find it here. Idk. I heart pgh. I have lived in other cities too (for short periods of time). I think that Pittsburgh is a very comfortable city to live in. Like your fave pair of jeans. Feels good and comfy. Not fly like a hot pair of stillettos – that’s Manhattan – or buppie paradise – that’s DMV (lol)… but warm and comfy. That’s the best word i can think of too describe it. Except for Equitable Gas. that company is the devil.

              • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

                @Voiceofreason and Miss Patterson,

                U know… almost all of my close girlfriends currently live in other cities and I get into this conversation all the time. I just think it depends on what ur looking for and what’s important to you. It’s definitely a chill laid back city. If you’re looking for fast or a whole lot of paced night life, or a plethora of eligible gainfully employed black men (:-))… ur not going to find it here. Idk. I heart pgh. I have lived in other cities too (for short periods of time). I think that Pittsburgh is a very comfortable city to live in. Like your fave pair of jeans. Feels good and comfy. Not fly like a hot pair of stillettos – that’s Manhattan – or buppie paradise – that’s DMV (lol)… but warm and comfy. That’s the best word i can think of too describe it. Except for Equitable Gas. that company is the devil.

              • Voiceofreason

                @pgh muse,

                There’s nothing wrong with Pittsburgh, it’s just not for me. It is a very comfortable place but there’s not enough going on here. I need a city with eligible black men with a lot going for themselves who don’t have a 2520 preference. And I’m essentially a homebody, but when I do go out, I need lots of options. Here you have to choose between a handful of bars and clubs and spend your time with 2520s or hood ninjas. The progressive Blacks here pretty much stay with in there own circles and don’t go out a lot. In fact the only time I see a lot of progressive Blacks in one place is at church. I think I got spoiled after I left because I went to and HBCU and moved to NY after I graduated.

              • Voiceofreason

                @pgh muse,

                There’s nothing wrong with Pittsburgh, it’s just not for me. It is a very comfortable place but there’s not enough going on here. I need a city with eligible black men with a lot going for themselves who don’t have a 2520 preference. And I’m essentially a homebody, but when I do go out, I need lots of options. Here you have to choose between a handful of bars and clubs and spend your time with 2520s or hood ninjas. The progressive Blacks here pretty much stay with in there own circles and don’t go out a lot. In fact the only time I see a lot of progressive Blacks in one place is at church. I think I got spoiled after I left because I went to and HBCU and moved to NY after I graduated.

              • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

                @Voiceofreason,

                I hear u girl. I truly do… i do try to post events around the city on my blog… I’ve been slacking… but it’s http://www.museacd.blogspot.com... and my sister said that the “Y” in Homewood is a great place to meet a man. They’re prolly all married. Lol… but she said it’s a lot of fine specimens that frequent it. And btw – my sister has good taste in men. lol.. not bullet holes, and stab wounds.

              • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

                @Voiceofreason,

                I hear u girl. I truly do… i do try to post events around the city on my blog… I’ve been slacking… but it’s http://www.museacd.blogspot.com... and my sister said that the “Y” in Homewood is a great place to meet a man. They’re prolly all married. Lol… but she said it’s a lot of fine specimens that frequent it. And btw – my sister has good taste in men. lol.. not bullet holes, and stab wounds.

              • Voiceofreason

                @pgh muse,

                Cool. Good lookin out. And as for the Y in Homewood…I might have to go out of my way to start working out there. I can pull my Helpless Girl in the Weight Room routine. Lol. Well, it’s actually not a routine. I don’t know what I’m doing in the weight room and some guy is always walking over to me telling me the right way to use a machine.

              • Voiceofreason

                @pgh muse,

                Cool. Good lookin out. And as for the Y in Homewood…I might have to go out of my way to start working out there. I can pull my Helpless Girl in the Weight Room routine. Lol. Well, it’s actually not a routine. I don’t know what I’m doing in the weight room and some guy is always walking over to me telling me the right way to use a machine.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @Voiceofreason,

                I love how you show love for Pgh out of obligation

                lol, no obligation here. despite my love for toronto, the burgh holds the number one spot. obviously, i’m not particularly objective, but i just feel like i can name more positive things about the burgh than any other city ive been to.

                and, as far as the talk about their being no jobs, ummmm…

                http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/18438114/detail.html

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @Voiceofreason,

                I love how you show love for Pgh out of obligation

                lol, no obligation here. despite my love for toronto, the burgh holds the number one spot. obviously, i’m not particularly objective, but i just feel like i can name more positive things about the burgh than any other city ive been to.

                and, as far as the talk about their being no jobs, ummmm…

                http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/18438114/detail.html

            • Voiceofreason

              @The Champ,

              The best city on earth??? Can you provide examples of why or how?

              I love how you show love for Pgh out of obligation. I’m a loyal Steeler fan, but that’s about as far as my love extends for this place.

            • overit

              @The Champ, “and they’re from the best city on earth”

              i strongly advise against playing yourself.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @overit,

                advise deez

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @overit,

                advise deez

            • overit

              @The Champ, “and they’re from the best city on earth”

              i strongly advise against playing yourself.

            • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

              @The Champ,

              and they’re from the best city on ea

              Lol… whoa. Did somebody drink their black and gold juice this morning or WHAT… musta been that sunshine cuz it couldn’t have been the snow or the below 0 with the windchill temps… but i’m not hatin’ The Champ. I heart Pittsburgh too :)

            • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

              @The Champ,

              and they’re from the best city on ea

              Lol… whoa. Did somebody drink their black and gold juice this morning or WHAT… musta been that sunshine cuz it couldn’t have been the snow or the below 0 with the windchill temps… but i’m not hatin’ The Champ. I heart Pittsburgh too :)

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

              @The Champ,

              Just because it gave me FlashDance, I heart Pittsburgh.

              :)

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

              @The Champ,

              Just because it gave me FlashDance, I heart Pittsburgh.

              :)

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @superwoman,

            who exactly are these steelers?? basetball? american football? from where?, exactly?

            american football, and they’re from the best city on earth

          • Princess Duvet

            @superwoman,

            who exactly are these steelers??

            i live in America…and thats my question ALL THE TIME.

            • superwoman

              @Princess Duvet, heh heh heh, you make me laugh!

            • superwoman

              @Princess Duvet, heh heh heh, you make me laugh!

          • Princess Duvet

            @superwoman,

            who exactly are these steelers??

            i live in America…and thats my question ALL THE TIME.

          • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

            @superwoman, Steelers= American football team and winner of 5 superbowls and 17 division titles. From where? Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania…which happens to be the best city on earth (yes, the Champ was actually correct about this)

          • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

            @superwoman, Steelers= American football team and winner of 5 superbowls and 17 division titles. From where? Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania…which happens to be the best city on earth (yes, the Champ was actually correct about this)

        • superwoman

          @Miss Patterson, who exactly are these steelers?? basetball? american football? from where?, exactly?

        • This Just In

          @Miss Patterson,

          me me me me me!!!!! I lub my STEELERS!!!!!

        • This Just In

          @Miss Patterson,

          me me me me me!!!!! I lub my STEELERS!!!!!

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @Intellectual Hedonist, hmmph! so? and…
        who’s gonna be watching the steelers with a terrible towel in their back pocket and an iron city beer in their hand?

    • http://www.twitter.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      @Luvvie,

      I’m in…leaving Friday am

    • Luvtheshoes

      @Luvvie,
      Leaving Saturday morning for DC

    • Luvtheshoes

      @Luvvie,
      Leaving Saturday morning for DC

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      Aight so far, IH and Luvtheshoes shall be in DC. I’m getting there on Friday evenint. Who else?

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      Aight so far, IH and Luvtheshoes shall be in DC. I’m getting there on Friday evenint. Who else?

    • http://reboundher.blogspot.com Rubique

      I totally agree with everything including the idea that men will marry the women that insist on being treated the well and those who have something going for them. I mean, why not, women are attractive to the same thing…at least I am

      I don’t know about the plopping on the couch though…I think you have to look at the time frame on how that happens. So people are just trifflin..

    • http://reboundher.blogspot.com Rubique

      I totally agree with everything including the idea that men will marry the women that insist on being treated the well and those who have something going for them. I mean, why not, women are attractive to the same thing…at least I am

      I don’t know about the plopping on the couch though…I think you have to look at the time frame on how that happens. So people are just trifflin..

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    I do think men go out w/ women they like to show off. And they bone the ones w/ the “Buttafaces”. And the “dating” assumption is a killer. Folks be assuming too much ish. Until it is explicitly stated, you need to know you ain’t “booed up” yet.

    With that being said, who’s gon be in DC for inaug? We need to do a VSB meetup!

  • conundrum

    #6 vs. #2: what if my definition of being treated well means not having to be anyone’s trophy?

    maybe the answer is that this isn’t the blog for me…

    • Princess Duvet

      @conundrum,

      i dont really view the two as in competition of with each other. i can explain after ive had rest.

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @Princess Duvet,

        I second this emotion. Your man SHOULD be proud of you and SHOULD want to show you off and be seen with your a$$ in public. And because he is so pleased to be with you, he’ll move heaven and earth to treat you well, as long as you require it.

        Otherwise, your his JO. And not the one he will admit or brag about having.

        • Princess Duvet

          @blackberry molasses,

          my sleepy a!ss thirds your second..this was nicely put.

        • Princess Duvet

          @blackberry molasses,

          my sleepy a!ss thirds your second..this was nicely put.

        • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

          @blackberry molasses,

          *tambourine shake*

          I 4th this comment. Or whichever number ya’ll are on now.

        • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

          @blackberry molasses,

          *tambourine shake*

          I 4th this comment. Or whichever number ya’ll are on now.

        • sisanda

          @blackberry molasses, you have no idea how you’ve solved an eternal enigma for me..

          So that’s what she meant when she said “Why didn’t you tell anyone we were dating!!!” – jeez who would’ve guessd.

          VSB: where domestic disputes are rationalised to your detriment

        • sisanda

          @blackberry molasses, you have no idea how you’ve solved an eternal enigma for me..

          So that’s what she meant when she said “Why didn’t you tell anyone we were dating!!!” – jeez who would’ve guessd.

          VSB: where domestic disputes are rationalised to your detriment

        • Pey-SO

          @blackberry molasses, i have to say that I agree here

        • Pey-SO

          @blackberry molasses, i have to say that I agree here

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @Princess Duvet,

        I second this emotion. Your man SHOULD be proud of you and SHOULD want to show you off and be seen with your a$$ in public. And because he is so pleased to be with you, he’ll move heaven and earth to treat you well, as long as you require it.

        Otherwise, your his JO. And not the one he will admit or brag about having.

    • Princess Duvet

      @conundrum,

      i dont really view the two as in competition of with each other. i can explain after ive had rest.

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

      @conundrum,

      Welcome!!! **Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**

      and please don’t leave! VSB is a place for lively discussion and respectful disagreement. And occasional (okay, frequent) displays of complete ignance.

      • Princess Duvet

        @blackberry molasses @ conundrum,

        “and please don’t leave!”

        …conundrum comeback here!!!!!

        • SouthernGirl

          @Princess Duvet, @ conundrum,

          and to that i will add…”don’t make me chase after you *neck swivel*”

          welcome!!! *shooting gold stars*

          it’s all good here in the vsb hood. i guarantee you will lol out loud ( a coupla times) by the end of the day if you stick around…

        • SouthernGirl

          @Princess Duvet, @ conundrum,

          and to that i will add…”don’t make me chase after you *neck swivel*”

          welcome!!! *shooting gold stars*

          it’s all good here in the vsb hood. i guarantee you will lol out loud ( a coupla times) by the end of the day if you stick around…

      • Princess Duvet

        @blackberry molasses @ conundrum,

        “and please don’t leave!”

        …conundrum comeback here!!!!!

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

      @conundrum,

      Welcome!!! **Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**

      and please don’t leave! VSB is a place for lively discussion and respectful disagreement. And occasional (okay, frequent) displays of complete ignance.

    • Pey-SO

      @conundrum, I think my SO is the baddest jawn that I have ever met and I will put her up against just about anyone else’s jawn and thus I will put up with/do alot to keep her

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @Pey-SO,

        Oh, how I long to be not only somebody’s “jawn”, but indeed, “the baddest jawn” he’s ever met. *sparkly eyes*

        My day shall come, BBJ willing. Amen.

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @Pey-SO,

        Oh, how I long to be not only somebody’s “jawn”, but indeed, “the baddest jawn” he’s ever met. *sparkly eyes*

        My day shall come, BBJ willing. Amen.

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        @Pey-SO,

        That was soooo sweet, in ur own way. I love it

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        @Pey-SO,

        That was soooo sweet, in ur own way. I love it

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

        @Pey-SO,

        I’mma have to ask you to STOP IT with your liberal use of the “jawn”…. makes my left eye twitch.

        • Pey-SO

          @blackberry molasses, i went to Philly for school and thats the one thing I learned

          • http://twitter.com/katchin05 Katchin

            @Pey-SO,
            @Pey-SO,
            As a Philly jawn, I do not approve of non-Philly folks using that word.
            But in this instance, you get a pass & a woorder ice.

          • http://twitter.com/katchin05 Katchin

            @Pey-SO,
            @Pey-SO,
            As a Philly jawn, I do not approve of non-Philly folks using that word.
            But in this instance, you get a pass & a woorder ice.

        • Pey-SO

          @blackberry molasses, i went to Philly for school and thats the one thing I learned

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

        @Pey-SO,

        I’mma have to ask you to STOP IT with your liberal use of the “jawn”…. makes my left eye twitch.

    • Pey-SO

      @conundrum, I think my SO is the baddest jawn that I have ever met and I will put her up against just about anyone else’s jawn and thus I will put up with/do alot to keep her

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @conundrum,

      how do you define “trophy”?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @The Champ, yeah, that was my question actually. i think the definition of “trophy” is the key here. if you define trophy as strictly his dime-piece to show the world he got a dime-piece without even the slightest care about who you are as a person, then, ok.

        however, according to the article, a man’s trophy ain’t 100 percent about her looks so much as it’s about how great a person you are and what great character you have…

        basically, all the things women think men don’t give a f*ck about.

        • Voiceofreason

          @Panama Jackson,

          My father always told me that a true trophy wife is a woman that it’s difficult for other men to get. You have to work hard to get her but she’s well worth it. It’s like the effort an athlete puts forth to get a real trophy.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Voiceofreason,

            good definition and sh*t

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Voiceofreason,

            good definition and sh*t

        • Voiceofreason

          @Panama Jackson,

          My father always told me that a true trophy wife is a woman that it’s difficult for other men to get. You have to work hard to get her but she’s well worth it. It’s like the effort an athlete puts forth to get a real trophy.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @The Champ, yeah, that was my question actually. i think the definition of “trophy” is the key here. if you define trophy as strictly his dime-piece to show the world he got a dime-piece without even the slightest care about who you are as a person, then, ok.

        however, according to the article, a man’s trophy ain’t 100 percent about her looks so much as it’s about how great a person you are and what great character you have…

        basically, all the things women think men don’t give a f*ck about.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @conundrum,

      how do you define “trophy”?

  • conundrum

    #6 vs. #2: what if my definition of being treated well means not having to be anyone’s trophy?

    maybe the answer is that this isn’t the blog for me…

  • Princess Duvet

    “5. the fact that your man doesn’t bring you roses, but instead plops on your couch to watch TV and takes you for granted is actually a natural stage and the hallmark of almost all serious relationships—not a deal-killer”

    i rebuke this message in the name of every sectional, sofa bed, and futon in America.

    • sisanda

      @Princess Duvet, you shouldn’t

      I would like to think that the author meant that if he doesn’t bring you roses all the time, like he used to in the beginning .

      Look, the so-called “boring” parts of a relationship form the bulk of it’s existence, because it’s impossible for the intial fiery-flame-of-seemingly-relentless-infactuation to last for ever. I mean i love ma girl, but not all the time n sh*t, but i do love her.

      So in a way him coming over to your place and plonkin on the couch is not a sign that he now cares less for you, but it’s a sign that he can now relax and enjoy all of you cause he’s assured you that you are all he needs and could ever want. And once in a while he’ll suprise you wit a rose n sh*t, and it will mean that much more…

      (**waiting for the lynching team**)

      • Raqi

        @sisanda,

        I will stand in the middle and protect you from being lynched because I agree with that statement. I didn’t quite get or like it at first. But then I realized that he felt at home, at ease, safe with me or near me.

        There were days when he would call and ask if he could come by and he would spend the entire evening on the couch watching or not watching whatever on the television and I would be in another part of the house doing something else.

        The biggest hurdles were when he we would be in one of his moods, and those are not his good moods, and would come over and say nothing. I was like why in the hell did he even bother coming over here. What gives?

        But it all started to make sense. We got married soon after those instances started.

        Now I am not saying this would be the case for everyone, it just happened to be mine and I agree with the statement.

        • 8th Wonder

          I totally co-sign this. I have done this countless times with boyfriends that made me feel loved and safe, etc.

          Sometimes I wanna be in your space while I work out my problems. Just don’t talk to me, lol.

        • 8th Wonder

          I totally co-sign this. I have done this countless times with boyfriends that made me feel loved and safe, etc.

          Sometimes I wanna be in your space while I work out my problems. Just don’t talk to me, lol.

      • Raqi

        @sisanda,

        I will stand in the middle and protect you from being lynched because I agree with that statement. I didn’t quite get or like it at first. But then I realized that he felt at home, at ease, safe with me or near me.

        There were days when he would call and ask if he could come by and he would spend the entire evening on the couch watching or not watching whatever on the television and I would be in another part of the house doing something else.

        The biggest hurdles were when he we would be in one of his moods, and those are not his good moods, and would come over and say nothing. I was like why in the hell did he even bother coming over here. What gives?

        But it all started to make sense. We got married soon after those instances started.

        Now I am not saying this would be the case for everyone, it just happened to be mine and I agree with the statement.

      • Princess Duvet

        @sisanda,

        “Look, the so-called “boring” parts of a relationship form the bulk of it’s existence, because it’s impossible for the intial fiery-flame-of-seemingly-relentless-infactuation to last for ever. I mean i love ma girl, but not all the time n sh*t, but i do love her.

        So in a way him coming over to your place and plonkin on the couch is not a sign that he now cares less for you, but it’s a sign that he can now relax and enjoy all of you cause he’s assured you that you are all he needs and could ever want. And once in a while he’ll suprise you wit a rose n sh*t, and it will mean that much more…

        i gotta call bullshat..if the writer meant “if he doesn’t bring you roses all the time, like he used to in the beginning …” then he should have written THAT. I’m not looking for Aretha Franklin’s
        “freeway of love..in a pink cadillac” EVERDAY.

        But a man “taking me for granted” and ploppin his dusty a!ss on my sofa everyday is not what i consider to be a “hallmark” of a “comfortable” “settled in” relationship.

        This writer dude just gave all men everywhere a bus pass to be lazy in relationships…and i would argue that if “comfortable” “settled in relationships” aren’t ALWAYS s a dozen of white callilies…neither is his permenant @zz print in my couch.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Princess Duvet,

          i gotta call bullshat..if the writer meant “if he doesn’t bring you roses all the time, like he used to in the beginning …” then he should have written THAT. I’m not looking for Aretha Franklin’s
          “freeway of love..in a pink cadillac” EVERDAY.

          although its not said explicitly, its implied with that statement.

          the basic point is that, if you’re in a relationship and a guy is comfortable and willing to do stuff around you (watching tv, playing wii, eating bowls of bacon) that he could very easily be doing by himself, don’t take it as a sign of disrespect. it means that we’ve settled and have gone from the “win her” stage to the “keep her” stage.

          also, if you look at the link, the very next statement says this:

          “…but, don’t be a doormat. If you don’t complain, or, even worse, try to do everything for him, it will make him think you are just there for his convenience…”

          • Princess Duvet

            @The Champ,

            i did actually read the link..so much so I noticed that there was a little bit of “double writing” going on..
            sitting on my couch and “taking me for granted” will have me “insisting upon me being treated well”..

            it is the push and the pull that makes all relationships what they are. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, or perhaps the push and the pull is how people get what they want.

            or maybe I need to re-read the article in its entirety.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              @Princess Duvet, well they do say that reading is fundamental. lol.

              • Princess Duvet

                @Panama Jackson,

                fundamentally read deeze …

              • Princess Duvet

                @Panama Jackson,

                fundamentally read deeze …

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              @Princess Duvet, well they do say that reading is fundamental. lol.

          • Princess Duvet

            @The Champ,

            i did actually read the link..so much so I noticed that there was a little bit of “double writing” going on..
            sitting on my couch and “taking me for granted” will have me “insisting upon me being treated well”..

            it is the push and the pull that makes all relationships what they are. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, or perhaps the push and the pull is how people get what they want.

            or maybe I need to re-read the article in its entirety.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @The Champ,

            “eating bowls of bacon”…..

            you do this?? I am sad for your carotid artery and your liver.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @blackberry molasses,

              not often. just once or two a week

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @blackberry molasses,

              not often. just once or two a week

            • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

              @blackberry molasses,
              I’m eating that right now. embrace the porky goodness

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @Deviant,

                sorry… I don’t dine on the swine

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @Deviant,

                sorry… I don’t dine on the swine

            • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

              @blackberry molasses,
              I’m eating that right now. embrace the porky goodness

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @The Champ,

            “eating bowls of bacon”…..

            you do this?? I am sad for your carotid artery and your liver.

          • MDUBB

            @The Champ,
            Eating Bowls of Bacon, wow that sounds wonderful!

          • MDUBB

            @The Champ,
            Eating Bowls of Bacon, wow that sounds wonderful!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Princess Duvet,

          i gotta call bullshat..if the writer meant “if he doesn’t bring you roses all the time, like he used to in the beginning …” then he should have written THAT. I’m not looking for Aretha Franklin’s
          “freeway of love..in a pink cadillac” EVERDAY.

          although its not said explicitly, its implied with that statement.

          the basic point is that, if you’re in a relationship and a guy is comfortable and willing to do stuff around you (watching tv, playing wii, eating bowls of bacon) that he could very easily be doing by himself, don’t take it as a sign of disrespect. it means that we’ve settled and have gone from the “win her” stage to the “keep her” stage.

          also, if you look at the link, the very next statement says this:

          “…but, don’t be a doormat. If you don’t complain, or, even worse, try to do everything for him, it will make him think you are just there for his convenience…”

      • Princess Duvet

        @sisanda,

        “Look, the so-called “boring” parts of a relationship form the bulk of it’s existence, because it’s impossible for the intial fiery-flame-of-seemingly-relentless-infactuation to last for ever. I mean i love ma girl, but not all the time n sh*t, but i do love her.

        So in a way him coming over to your place and plonkin on the couch is not a sign that he now cares less for you, but it’s a sign that he can now relax and enjoy all of you cause he’s assured you that you are all he needs and could ever want. And once in a while he’ll suprise you wit a rose n sh*t, and it will mean that much more…

        i gotta call bullshat..if the writer meant “if he doesn’t bring you roses all the time, like he used to in the beginning …” then he should have written THAT. I’m not looking for Aretha Franklin’s
        “freeway of love..in a pink cadillac” EVERDAY.

        But a man “taking me for granted” and ploppin his dusty a!ss on my sofa everyday is not what i consider to be a “hallmark” of a “comfortable” “settled in” relationship.

        This writer dude just gave all men everywhere a bus pass to be lazy in relationships…and i would argue that if “comfortable” “settled in relationships” aren’t ALWAYS s a dozen of white callilies…neither is his permenant @zz print in my couch.

      • http://www.missjennamarie.com Jenna Marie Christian

        @sisanda,

        Well Said and expressed my dear:-)

      • http://www.missjennamarie.com Jenna Marie Christian

        @sisanda,

        Well Said and expressed my dear:-)

      • Voiceofreason

        @sisanda,

        I agree with you. Flowers are great sometimes, but sometimes I feel like men who are doing things like sending flowers all the time are trying to compensate for what they know they’re doing wrong. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

      • Voiceofreason

        @sisanda,

        I agree with you. Flowers are great sometimes, but sometimes I feel like men who are doing things like sending flowers all the time are trying to compensate for what they know they’re doing wrong. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

    • sisanda

      @Princess Duvet, you shouldn’t

      I would like to think that the author meant that if he doesn’t bring you roses all the time, like he used to in the beginning .

      Look, the so-called “boring” parts of a relationship form the bulk of it’s existence, because it’s impossible for the intial fiery-flame-of-seemingly-relentless-infactuation to last for ever. I mean i love ma girl, but not all the time n sh*t, but i do love her.

      So in a way him coming over to your place and plonkin on the couch is not a sign that he now cares less for you, but it’s a sign that he can now relax and enjoy all of you cause he’s assured you that you are all he needs and could ever want. And once in a while he’ll suprise you wit a rose n sh*t, and it will mean that much more…

      (**waiting for the lynching team**)

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      @Princess Duvet, yeah…i rebuke that message right along with you. sometimes the couch potato thing isn’t a good thing. i don’t consider this gesture a sign that your guy is ready to settle down with you. don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about reaching a certain comfort level with your mate, but complacency and boredom…not so much.

      • Princess Duvet

        @Miss Patterson,

        “i don’t consider this gesture a sign that your guy is ready to settle down with you.”

        me neither…i have a friend who thinks it does though..to me it just means he followed your lead..and he gave you what you asked for..a “dating” situation where he “dates” you in your house.

      • Princess Duvet

        @Miss Patterson,

        “i don’t consider this gesture a sign that your guy is ready to settle down with you.”

        me neither…i have a friend who thinks it does though..to me it just means he followed your lead..and he gave you what you asked for..a “dating” situation where he “dates” you in your house.

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      @Princess Duvet, yeah…i rebuke that message right along with you. sometimes the couch potato thing isn’t a good thing. i don’t consider this gesture a sign that your guy is ready to settle down with you. don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about reaching a certain comfort level with your mate, but complacency and boredom…not so much.

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

      @Princess Duvet,

      Actually, this is the # I agree the most with. Men don’t do comfortable things around people they are not comfortable with. And if he’s comfortable with you, it means you two are closer…

      Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know. I need one more spoon of this cinnamon-y, pecan-filled, oatmeal goodness before making sense.

      • Princess Duvet

        @Sula In Planning.,

        “Men don’t do comfortable things around people they are not comfortable with.”

        you right…random and anonymous se!x to most men ain’t comfortable… not at all.

        I just don’t think that sitting up on a couch is a relationship indicator that he’s happy and in love. It means he’s comfortable, yes. It means you got a cool flat screen, cable and apple tv. I don’t think it necessarily ALWAYS means he’s into YOU.

        Your couch, yes.

        your behaviorable conditioning of what you’ve told him is OK..particularly early on..Yes to that too.

        • V Renee

          @Princess Duvet

          So are you saying that chilling in the house can’t be seen as quality time.

          I haven’t heard of too many men chilling at their JO’s house just because. In fact, I believe it’s quite the opposite. Once the deed is done, it’s time to bounce. To some chilling together in the house can be seen as quality time. Maybe not in the early stages but later on down the line.

          We don’t have to go out ALL the time. It’s okay to sit down and just BE together without the pomps and circumstances.

          • Princess Duvet

            @V Renee,

            “So are you saying that chilling in the house can’t be seen as quality time. ”

            absolutely. The problem is that a lot of dating and courtship BEGIN on women’s couches and they end right there too.

            I just have a hard time believing that modern dating is taking people out and about doing great bonding excercises…and coming to a more steadied even pace chilaxin at home playing house.

            Sadly women are being dated in their homes on their sofas YEAR ROUND…regardless of weather and hibernation.

            maybe im a little old fashioned i dunno..

            • V Renee

              @Princess Duvet

              My point is, sure in the early stages I can see where dates on your couch are not acceptable. But later on in the relationship, there will be times that I don’t want to do sh*t but sit at home on the couch with my boo, and have hot heavy s3x at the end of the night. Forget the rock climbing, museums, comedy shows, trips to the zoo and all that jazz. That’s all fine and dandy, but sometimes I want to chill…..with my man…..at home on the couch/bed/kitchen counter/bathtub/closet or where ever.

              • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

                @V Renee,

                Ok LMAO @ closet. BWAHAHA @ ur X-Rated boudoir face.

              • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

                @V Renee,

                Ok LMAO @ closet. BWAHAHA @ ur X-Rated boudoir face.

            • V Renee

              @Princess Duvet

              My point is, sure in the early stages I can see where dates on your couch are not acceptable. But later on in the relationship, there will be times that I don’t want to do sh*t but sit at home on the couch with my boo, and have hot heavy s3x at the end of the night. Forget the rock climbing, museums, comedy shows, trips to the zoo and all that jazz. That’s all fine and dandy, but sometimes I want to chill…..with my man…..at home on the couch/bed/kitchen counter/bathtub/closet or where ever.

          • Princess Duvet

            @V Renee,

            “So are you saying that chilling in the house can’t be seen as quality time. ”

            absolutely. The problem is that a lot of dating and courtship BEGIN on women’s couches and they end right there too.

            I just have a hard time believing that modern dating is taking people out and about doing great bonding excercises…and coming to a more steadied even pace chilaxin at home playing house.

            Sadly women are being dated in their homes on their sofas YEAR ROUND…regardless of weather and hibernation.

            maybe im a little old fashioned i dunno..

        • V Renee

          @Princess Duvet

          So are you saying that chilling in the house can’t be seen as quality time.

          I haven’t heard of too many men chilling at their JO’s house just because. In fact, I believe it’s quite the opposite. Once the deed is done, it’s time to bounce. To some chilling together in the house can be seen as quality time. Maybe not in the early stages but later on down the line.

          We don’t have to go out ALL the time. It’s okay to sit down and just BE together without the pomps and circumstances.

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

          @Princess Duvet,

          He’s into my couch means that I’m dating a man that can’t even afford a comfortable couch.

          Hmmm… In that case, my problems are elsewhere…

          It’s not the couch. It’s the time. Being in public is sharing time with the outside world, being together on the couch just being is time spent together.

          Again, maybe it’s just me, but I do enjoy my downtime on the couch watching whatever with my head in his lap… Best sunday afternoon hangout if I ever saw one.

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

          @Princess Duvet,

          He’s into my couch means that I’m dating a man that can’t even afford a comfortable couch.

          Hmmm… In that case, my problems are elsewhere…

          It’s not the couch. It’s the time. Being in public is sharing time with the outside world, being together on the couch just being is time spent together.

          Again, maybe it’s just me, but I do enjoy my downtime on the couch watching whatever with my head in his lap… Best sunday afternoon hangout if I ever saw one.

      • Princess Duvet

        @Sula In Planning.,

        “Men don’t do comfortable things around people they are not comfortable with.”

        you right…random and anonymous se!x to most men ain’t comfortable… not at all.

        I just don’t think that sitting up on a couch is a relationship indicator that he’s happy and in love. It means he’s comfortable, yes. It means you got a cool flat screen, cable and apple tv. I don’t think it necessarily ALWAYS means he’s into YOU.

        Your couch, yes.

        your behaviorable conditioning of what you’ve told him is OK..particularly early on..Yes to that too.

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

      @Princess Duvet,

      Actually, this is the # I agree the most with. Men don’t do comfortable things around people they are not comfortable with. And if he’s comfortable with you, it means you two are closer…

      Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know. I need one more spoon of this cinnamon-y, pecan-filled, oatmeal goodness before making sense.

  • Princess Duvet

    “5. the fact that your man doesn’t bring you roses, but instead plops on your couch to watch TV and takes you for granted is actually a natural stage and the hallmark of almost all serious relationships—not a deal-killer”

    i rebuke this message in the name of every sectional, sofa bed, and futon in America.

  • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

    I’ve never thought of myself as dating anyone after 2-3 dates. that’s not enough time to identify ” crazy” or “potential stalker”. I call BS on that one.
    And I do agree that no man wants a doormat… but he doesn’t want a nag either.

    • Leila

      @blackberry molasses, ‘I’ve never thought of myself as dating anyone after 2-3 dates”

      2-3 dates is still talking the phase for me. I don’t consider myself dating until at least after 6-8 dates.

      • bholl

        @Leila, Yeah six to seven seems reasonable and plus I want to wait until it’s mutually stated. I don’t want to assume and look the fool.

        • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

          @bholl, umhmmmm! ALLOW looking like some any idiot when dude starts talking about ” just friends” and “a bit of fun” “nice girl”.

        • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

          @bholl, umhmmmm! ALLOW looking like some any idiot when dude starts talking about ” just friends” and “a bit of fun” “nice girl”.

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @bholl,

          Yeah, if one wishes to be not kept in limbo, they should initiate a convo, don’t assume and shyt. I’ve had experiences where I openly said I was dating others, but because I focused a lot of attention on her, she assumed I wasn’t anymore. Bad Mistake.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @Monk,

            DITTO!

            It MUST be stated that we’re exclusively seeing each other, otherwise Imma keep doing me. And while I think women assume more often than men, there are men who do the same.

            Communication is Key dammit!

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

              @Dom,

              Communication is Key dammit!

              I call T-shirt!!

              • V Renee

                @Sula In Planning

                T-shirts haven’t been giving in a minute. There used to even be polls……what’s going on?

                Or do they no longer think we’re funny :-/

              • V Renee

                @Sula In Planning

                T-shirts haven’t been giving in a minute. There used to even be polls……what’s going on?

                Or do they no longer think we’re funny :-/

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula In Planning.

              @Dom,

              Communication is Key dammit!

              I call T-shirt!!

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @Monk,

            DITTO!

            It MUST be stated that we’re exclusively seeing each other, otherwise Imma keep doing me. And while I think women assume more often than men, there are men who do the same.

            Communication is Key dammit!

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @bholl,

          Yeah, if one wishes to be not kept in limbo, they should initiate a convo, don’t assume and shyt. I’ve had experiences where I openly said I was dating others, but because I focused a lot of attention on her, she assumed I wasn’t anymore. Bad Mistake.

        • http://www.missjennamarie.com Jenna Marie Christian

          @bholl,

          very true

        • http://www.missjennamarie.com Jenna Marie Christian

          @bholl,

          very true

      • bholl

        @Leila, Yeah six to seven seems reasonable and plus I want to wait until it’s mutually stated. I don’t want to assume and look the fool.

    • Leila

      @blackberry molasses, ‘I’ve never thought of myself as dating anyone after 2-3 dates”

      2-3 dates is still talking the phase for me. I don’t consider myself dating until at least after 6-8 dates.

    • miss t-lee

      @blackberry molasses,
      “I’ve never thought of myself as dating anyone after 2-3 dates. that’s not enough time to identify ” crazy” or “potential stalker”. I call BS on that one.”

      Exactly. I’m calling BS as well.

    • miss t-lee

      @blackberry molasses,
      “I’ve never thought of myself as dating anyone after 2-3 dates. that’s not enough time to identify ” crazy” or “potential stalker”. I call BS on that one.”

      Exactly. I’m calling BS as well.

    • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. thinkingofamasterplan….

      @blackberry molasses,

      I agree. I’ve never thought I was dating someone after 2 dates. You barely know the man after 2-3 dates. Definite BS….

    • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. thinkingofamasterplan….

      @blackberry molasses,

      I agree. I’ve never thought I was dating someone after 2 dates. You barely know the man after 2-3 dates. Definite BS….

    • Pey-SO

      @blackberry molasses, of course you or any of the other women on VSB ever said that they were dating a man after 2-3 dates, we all know that VSB woman are liar God’s gift to the planet. Lolol jk

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Pey-SO,

        of course you or any of the other women on VSB ever said that they were dating a man after 2-3 dates, we all know that VSB woman are liar God’s gift to the planet

        basically, lol.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Pey-SO,

        of course you or any of the other women on VSB ever said that they were dating a man after 2-3 dates, we all know that VSB woman are liar God’s gift to the planet

        basically, lol.

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

        @Pey-SO,

        but actually, I’M not. Women who do this are desperate to label sh*t. Maybe I’m an anomaly. I don’t know. But I’m the type of chick who weighs her options on EVERYTHING and likes to keep her options open… and that includes relationships.

        I didn’t consider me and my husband dating for a minute. For the first month and a half or so of our relationship, I openly dated 2 other dudes. I had a mental roster in my mind and he moved himself up to the top and maintained that position… that took about 10 dates. Then it was another 2 months until we got intimate. That’s when I was truly in “locked down” mode.

        • Princess Duvet

          @blackberry molasses,

          “I didn’t consider me and my husband dating for a minute. For the first month and a half or so of our relationship, I openly dated 2 other dudes. I had a mental roster in my mind and he moved himself up to the top and maintained that position… that took about 10 dates. Then it was another 2 months until we got intimate. That’s when I was truly in “locked down” mode.

          I’m having YaYa sweaters custom made…do want the crest to go on the right or the left??

          holla back..

          • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

            @Princess Duvet,

            Crests look best on the left chest. I’d like my sweater to be a v-neck cashmere blend. Size XS please.

            • SouthernGirl

              @Luvvie, im’ma need a medium.

            • SouthernGirl

              @Luvvie, im’ma need a medium.

            • Princess Duvet

              @Luvvie @SouthernGirl, coming right up Luvster & South G

            • Princess Duvet

              @Luvvie @SouthernGirl, coming right up Luvster & South G

            • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

              @Luvvie,

              I haven’t been quite able to commit to the Ya-Ya’s yet. I’m lookin’ and thinkin’ though…

            • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

              @Luvvie,

              I haven’t been quite able to commit to the Ya-Ya’s yet. I’m lookin’ and thinkin’ though…

          • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

            @Princess Duvet,

            Crests look best on the left chest. I’d like my sweater to be a v-neck cashmere blend. Size XS please.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Princess Duvet,

            well idunno about the other Ya Ya sisters, but my left boob loves to rock crests/broches/flower pins etc. We call her the ‘party boob’

            • Princess Duvet

              @blackberry molasses,

              “but my left boob loves to rock crests/broches/flower pins etc. We call her the ‘party boob’

              1:15pm EST.. dead on arrival.

            • Princess Duvet

              @blackberry molasses,

              “but my left boob loves to rock crests/broches/flower pins etc. We call her the ‘party boob’

              1:15pm EST.. dead on arrival.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Princess Duvet,

            well idunno about the other Ya Ya sisters, but my left boob loves to rock crests/broches/flower pins etc. We call her the ‘party boob’

        • Princess Duvet

          @blackberry molasses,

          “I didn’t consider me and my husband dating for a minute. For the first month and a half or so of our relationship, I openly dated 2 other dudes. I had a mental roster in my mind and he moved himself up to the top and maintained that position… that took about 10 dates. Then it was another 2 months until we got intimate. That’s when I was truly in “locked down” mode.

          I’m having YaYa sweaters custom made…do want the crest to go on the right or the left??

          holla back..

        • SouthernGirl

          @blackberry molasses, hmph….how about when ninjas move you up and try to be slick about it? i bring up the topic (this was a few months in) and he’s looking at me all crazy and i’m tired of running around this bush cause he’s all, you know when you’re in a relationship with someone. and i’m like, the hell i do! i ain’t assuming sh!t! i am not that chick.

          how was i supposed to know you were showing your cousins my pic when you were in baltimore last month telling them i was your girl, when you didn’t even tell me?!?!?! i don’t care how many hints you done dropped, how many times a week we’re seeing each other. it wasn’t directly stated so i wasn’t assuming it.

          his point then was that at one point i had asked him if he was seeing anybody else and he said no. he asked me the same and i said no. so in his mind we had talked about it. to me, that was simply saying you weren’t seeing anybody else at the time-which could have been based on opportunity. not, i’m not seeing anybody else cause i just want to see you. does that make sense?

          i need you to break it all the way down for me. maybe that was an attack of “chick logic” but i guess the follow up question of whether or not we were then exclusive was needed (in my mind) cause we were soooo not on the same page.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @SouthernGirl,

            depends on your defining point. truly. every relationship, like the people in it, is different.

            like i said, I like to keep my options open. Interestingly, so doess my dude. So when we started eliminating our other ‘options’ we knew something was a-goin’s on.
            We did have a short (meaning 3- sentence) “conversation” about it, that kind of cemented it for both of us. We’re not ones for labels or symbols of relationship status. To a degree, we did the M -word thing for tax and insurance benefits and to shut our families the h3ll up.

            So… the point… that hasn’t emerged…. COMMUNICATION is KEY. Your style of communication will vary, but both of you needed to be absolutely clear on the whole thing. I believe in using your words. I use mine alot… clearly from all the rambling above.

            Did I even make sense? I don’t know because I’m pissed that I’m about to be in meetings for the next 3 hours.

            • SouthernGirl

              @blackberry molasses, first, sorry about the meeting. i hurt for you.

              second, regarding communication we are –>here<–
              the first time when we had the ‘what are you doing’ convo in passing, i was asking because some jokes had been made about seeing other people or “taken spots.” and i can’t remember all the details now but some things had been said in passing that also had me thinking we weren’t quite there yet. and we’d had a convo early on when we started hanging out that we were going to do just that and see where it went because i had just gotten out of something and he was going through some stuff. so on top of all that and just being who i am, i really wasn’t trying to read more into it, you know?

              so once i made up my mind about what i wanted, we had the second convo, and i was trying to iron out all the things that had been said as to what was going on between us. and he’s also one of those not “for labels or symbols of relationship status” kinds of people so that previous convo was enough for him. but i’m the opposite so it wasn’t enough for me so we were clashing.

              i’m all about the communication. i just want to talk about the issue and get it out of the way so it doesn’t build up. and once things started happening that were contrary to the initial talk we’d had, i knew it was time for another. it was just that since we have different views, the time in between got muddled. a lot came out in that conversation and we both recognized that we have different styles. so he knows he has to talk sometimes, even when he doesn’t want to.

              i am all about words and how people say things which can be bothersome for some folks because i take a lot of things literally because i know how i am and i am careful about the words i use and how i say things to people. so since it hadn’t been explicitly said, i didn’t claim it at the time.

            • SouthernGirl

              @blackberry molasses, first, sorry about the meeting. i hurt for you.

              second, regarding communication we are –>here<–
              the first time when we had the ‘what are you doing’ convo in passing, i was asking because some jokes had been made about seeing other people or “taken spots.” and i can’t remember all the details now but some things had been said in passing that also had me thinking we weren’t quite there yet. and we’d had a convo early on when we started hanging out that we were going to do just that and see where it went because i had just gotten out of something and he was going through some stuff. so on top of all that and just being who i am, i really wasn’t trying to read more into it, you know?

              so once i made up my mind about what i wanted, we had the second convo, and i was trying to iron out all the things that had been said as to what was going on between us. and he’s also one of those not “for labels or symbols of relationship status” kinds of people so that previous convo was enough for him. but i’m the opposite so it wasn’t enough for me so we were clashing.

              i’m all about the communication. i just want to talk about the issue and get it out of the way so it doesn’t build up. and once things started happening that were contrary to the initial talk we’d had, i knew it was time for another. it was just that since we have different views, the time in between got muddled. a lot came out in that conversation and we both recognized that we have different styles. so he knows he has to talk sometimes, even when he doesn’t want to.

              i am all about words and how people say things which can be bothersome for some folks because i take a lot of things literally because i know how i am and i am careful about the words i use and how i say things to people. so since it hadn’t been explicitly said, i didn’t claim it at the time.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @SouthernGirl,

            depends on your defining point. truly. every relationship, like the people in it, is different.

            like i said, I like to keep my options open. Interestingly, so doess my dude. So when we started eliminating our other ‘options’ we knew something was a-goin’s on.
            We did have a short (meaning 3- sentence) “conversation” about it, that kind of cemented it for both of us. We’re not ones for labels or symbols of relationship status. To a degree, we did the M -word thing for tax and insurance benefits and to shut our families the h3ll up.

            So… the point… that hasn’t emerged…. COMMUNICATION is KEY. Your style of communication will vary, but both of you needed to be absolutely clear on the whole thing. I believe in using your words. I use mine alot… clearly from all the rambling above.

            Did I even make sense? I don’t know because I’m pissed that I’m about to be in meetings for the next 3 hours.

        • SouthernGirl

          @blackberry molasses, hmph….how about when ninjas move you up and try to be slick about it? i bring up the topic (this was a few months in) and he’s looking at me all crazy and i’m tired of running around this bush cause he’s all, you know when you’re in a relationship with someone. and i’m like, the hell i do! i ain’t assuming sh!t! i am not that chick.

          how was i supposed to know you were showing your cousins my pic when you were in baltimore last month telling them i was your girl, when you didn’t even tell me?!?!?! i don’t care how many hints you done dropped, how many times a week we’re seeing each other. it wasn’t directly stated so i wasn’t assuming it.

          his point then was that at one point i had asked him if he was seeing anybody else and he said no. he asked me the same and i said no. so in his mind we had talked about it. to me, that was simply saying you weren’t seeing anybody else at the time-which could have been based on opportunity. not, i’m not seeing anybody else cause i just want to see you. does that make sense?

          i need you to break it all the way down for me. maybe that was an attack of “chick logic” but i guess the follow up question of whether or not we were then exclusive was needed (in my mind) cause we were soooo not on the same page.

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

        @Pey-SO,

        but actually, I’M not. Women who do this are desperate to label sh*t. Maybe I’m an anomaly. I don’t know. But I’m the type of chick who weighs her options on EVERYTHING and likes to keep her options open… and that includes relationships.

        I didn’t consider me and my husband dating for a minute. For the first month and a half or so of our relationship, I openly dated 2 other dudes. I had a mental roster in my mind and he moved himself up to the top and maintained that position… that took about 10 dates. Then it was another 2 months until we got intimate. That’s when I was truly in “locked down” mode.

    • Pey-SO

      @blackberry molasses, of course you or any of the other women on VSB ever said that they were dating a man after 2-3 dates, we all know that VSB woman are liar God’s gift to the planet. Lolol jk

    • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com/2009/01/naturally-alises-blog-poetry-slam.html Relax, Relate, Alise

      @blackberry molasses,

      I can’t exactly call bullsh*t on this because I know plenty of women (of all different demographics) claim they were dating someone that they never even really went on a real date with, let alone 2 or 3, in my lifetime I have done this, created a relationship in my head and convinced myself that it was. Thankfully, I have grown from that.

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. thinkingofamasterplan….

        @Relax, Relate, Alise,
        yeah, I had to go back and think about it, and one of my good friends used to think she was dating a guy after the 2nd date, and started talking about us (her friends) meeting him. Thank God she has grown out of that

        • mssmtaylor

          @N.I.A. thinkingofamasterplan….,

          was that friend me?? lol
          i so used to be that chick

        • mssmtaylor

          @N.I.A. thinkingofamasterplan….,

          was that friend me?? lol
          i so used to be that chick

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. thinkingofamasterplan….

        @Relax, Relate, Alise,
        yeah, I had to go back and think about it, and one of my good friends used to think she was dating a guy after the 2nd date, and started talking about us (her friends) meeting him. Thank God she has grown out of that

    • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com/2009/01/naturally-alises-blog-poetry-slam.html Relax, Relate, Alise

      @blackberry molasses,

      I can’t exactly call bullsh*t on this because I know plenty of women (of all different demographics) claim they were dating someone that they never even really went on a real date with, let alone 2 or 3, in my lifetime I have done this, created a relationship in my head and convinced myself that it was. Thankfully, I have grown from that.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @all the women calling BS, i’m gonna go ahead and call bullsh*t, consequences, and repercussions on all of y’all too. now perhaps each and every one of you is an exception to the rule, but in my experiences, SO many women, upon deciding after the first date that they are feeling you, get it in their minds that you are actually dating, while dude things we’re just getting to knoe eachother. hell, i’ve had convos with beaucoup chicks that are friends who are trying to understand why dude ain’t acting right if they’re dating…after the 3rd date. hell, a chick i was dating hit me off with that before.

      it’s another post in and of itself, but i’ve had chicks (more than 1) tell me within 2 weeks that they were in love with me.

      now this isn’t to say that men don’t do this at all (the assumed “dating” or even gettin’ loose with the L word before it’s even plausible), but it seems that women are more likely to jump the gun. perhaps its due to the crappy dating landscape that maybe does or doesn’t exist for women, i don’t know, but let’s not pretend we don’t ALL know some woman who’s been ready to bet the farm on some man she’s been out with twice.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

        @Panama Jackson,

        I agree with you. But as I said upthread I know some guys who do the same exact thing.

        Actually, if we could take an honest opinion poll of men and women who are really feeling their date after 2-3 dates, I think we’d be surprised at how many men have the same feeling. Women are just more likely to admit it. Guys tend to keep it to themselves cuz they dont want to look like they got played.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

        @Panama Jackson,

        I agree with you. But as I said upthread I know some guys who do the same exact thing.

        Actually, if we could take an honest opinion poll of men and women who are really feeling their date after 2-3 dates, I think we’d be surprised at how many men have the same feeling. Women are just more likely to admit it. Guys tend to keep it to themselves cuz they dont want to look like they got played.

      • Luvtheshoes

        @Panama Jackson,

        Maybe I’m too simplistic but after 3-4 dates with another person, I consider it “dating”. Now that doesn’t mean we are an exclusive couple and I’m only dating one person. Chances are I’m dating more than one individual at a time. And I agree that for it to end up exclusive means there has to be some sort of conversation to establish that but generally speaking, if we are working past the 4th date, I would consider us “dating”.

        Am I missing something?

        • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

          @Luvtheshoes, no you’re not missing anything. i think in this scenario they’re using dating as a term to represent exclusivity. dating is dating to me. one date, two dates, three dates. so if i go out once with a guy we’re dating, but i might be also ‘dating’ other people. guys are better at this though…dating a lot of people at the same time you cast a wider net.

        • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

          @Luvtheshoes, no you’re not missing anything. i think in this scenario they’re using dating as a term to represent exclusivity. dating is dating to me. one date, two dates, three dates. so if i go out once with a guy we’re dating, but i might be also ‘dating’ other people. guys are better at this though…dating a lot of people at the same time you cast a wider net.

      • Luvtheshoes

        @Panama Jackson,

        Maybe I’m too simplistic but after 3-4 dates with another person, I consider it “dating”. Now that doesn’t mean we are an exclusive couple and I’m only dating one person. Chances are I’m dating more than one individual at a time. And I agree that for it to end up exclusive means there has to be some sort of conversation to establish that but generally speaking, if we are working past the 4th date, I would consider us “dating”.

        Am I missing something?

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @Panama Jackson, shiiiiiiiiiit. Panama, i ain’t scared to admit it. i’ve gotten a little excited after a couple of dates and a good kerfuffle. it happens. i’m a girl, sue me.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Miss Patterson,

          what does kerfuffle mean again? it sound like something you’d get at a greek deli

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Miss Patterson,

          what does kerfuffle mean again? it sound like something you’d get at a greek deli

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @Panama Jackson, shiiiiiiiiiit. Panama, i ain’t scared to admit it. i’ve gotten a little excited after a couple of dates and a good kerfuffle. it happens. i’m a girl, sue me.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @all the women calling BS, i’m gonna go ahead and call bullsh*t, consequences, and repercussions on all of y’all too. now perhaps each and every one of you is an exception to the rule, but in my experiences, SO many women, upon deciding after the first date that they are feeling you, get it in their minds that you are actually dating, while dude things we’re just getting to knoe eachother. hell, i’ve had convos with beaucoup chicks that are friends who are trying to understand why dude ain’t acting right if they’re dating…after the 3rd date. hell, a chick i was dating hit me off with that before.

      it’s another post in and of itself, but i’ve had chicks (more than 1) tell me within 2 weeks that they were in love with me.

      now this isn’t to say that men don’t do this at all (the assumed “dating” or even gettin’ loose with the L word before it’s even plausible), but it seems that women are more likely to jump the gun. perhaps its due to the crappy dating landscape that maybe does or doesn’t exist for women, i don’t know, but let’s not pretend we don’t ALL know some woman who’s been ready to bet the farm on some man she’s been out with twice.

  • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

    I’ve never thought of myself as dating anyone after 2-3 dates. that’s not enough time to identify ” crazy” or “potential stalker”. I call BS on that one.
    And I do agree that no man wants a doormat… but he doesn’t want a nag either.

  • shay-d-lady

    I don’t agree with the stupid couch statement but I agree with the others. I tell my gal pal all the time to stop acting like vanessa bell calloway in coming to america….i mean it didn’t even work for her so why do you think it will work for you?

    • Treezy F. Baby

      I see the sideways grin followed by a subtle chuckle he gives when I occasionally vocalize my needs/wants from him with resolute intensity. And although I can never say this to him out loud….I know he likes it.

    • Treezy F. Baby

      I see the sideways grin followed by a subtle chuckle he gives when I occasionally vocalize my needs/wants from him with resolute intensity. And although I can never say this to him out loud….I know he likes it.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @shay-d-lady, au contraire, Arsenio wanted to wife her up. Eddie Murphy was on some ole “find himself” non-sense.

      plus he was colorstruck. you see he wanted himself a lightgirl.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @shay-d-lady, au contraire, Arsenio wanted to wife her up. Eddie Murphy was on some ole “find himself” non-sense.

      plus he was colorstruck. you see he wanted himself a lightgirl.

  • shay-d-lady

    I don’t agree with the stupid couch statement but I agree with the others. I tell my gal pal all the time to stop acting like vanessa bell calloway in coming to america….i mean it didn’t even work for her so why do you think it will work for you?

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