apparently us black folks don’t have the “man-shortage” thing on lock.
according to , the perceived lack of “marriageable” bachelors in the dating game actually isn’t a perception. it’s a reality, a condition that transcends race, culture, and time.
“The shortage of appealing men is a century-plus-old commonplace of the society melodrama. The shortage—or—more exactly, the perception of a shortage—becomes evident as you hit your late 20s and more acute as you wander into the 30s. Some men explain their social fortune by believing they’ve become more attractive with age; many women prefer the far likelier explanation that male faults have become easier to overlook.
The pool of appealing men shrinks as many are married off and taken out of the game, leaving a disproportionate number of men who are notably imperfect (perhaps they are short, socially awkward, underemployed). And at the same time, you get a pool of women weighted toward the attractive, desirable “strong bidders.”
Where have all the most appealing men gone? Married young, most of them—and sometimes to women whose most salient characteristic was not their beauty, or passion, or intellect, but their decisiveness.”
*****although i disagree with this overall premise (and maybe thats just my pride talking, lol), i do think the last sentence brings up a valid point. the “success” of the women i know who were hitched at a relatively young age had nothing to do with their perceived “marriageability” and everything to with the fact that they made marriage the only priority in their life. they did any and everything they could to insure this would happen, expediently. this includes certain career choices and only dating marriage-centric men. there were no accidents.*****
so, heated good people of vsb.com, what are your thoughts?
—the champ
I swear I’ve commented on this here before. In the morning when I have more time I’ll look it up.
i think i left a link to this in the comments of another blog, maybe singleblackmale. not sure though
Yeah, you did mention it at my site a couple of weeks ago.
I’m mad too because I was gonna use it as the basis for one of my post.
Back to the drawing board.
“I’m mad too because I was gonna use it as the basis for one of my post.
Back to the drawing board.”
who says that you can’t?
Tru …
It makes sense if only for some socialized remixed notion of survival of the fittest. of course the good desirable men get snatched up earlier, and u know, the ones picking their nose are left for the single women. That sorta explains this interesting mathematical formula for dating men with kids. A man at age 23 with kids and unmarried is kinda wack…..yet a 40 year old man with no kids and unmarried is JUST as wack but for different reasons. But they share a common notion of wackness if only because they’re both undesirable in the name of survival of the fittest.
As for the chicks who get married early, i think marriage being the only priority can work in different ways. It can be the spoiled rich girl who is just looking for a man to take care of her, or it could be the uneducated hillbilly who is just drifting through life. Either way, both of them broads are married young, and *I* am not. LOL. Am I salty? A little. But I got other things going for me (e.g. I got degrees to keep me warm at night).
/end rant.
“(e.g. I got degrees to keep me warm at night)”
How’s that working for you??? The warmth, that is. Just Kidding. LOL
I often joke with one of my friends about her mechanical boyfriend when she starts on her “I don’t need a man I got Peter Rabbit” rants. I ask her “How is that working out? I bet you get chills down your spine with he so tenderly kisses you on the perfect spot behind your ear.” Or “I imagine he’s an excellent listener.”
But yeah, I kid.
LOL. It’s working for me okay i guess…
Liz postulates: ” A man at age 23 with kids and unmarried is kinda wack….. yet a 40 year old man with no kids and unmarried is JUST as wack but for different reasons.”
go on please…….. explain how these are so?
Liz postulates: ” A man at age 23 with kids and unmarried is kinda wack….. yet a 40 year old man with no kids and unmarried is JUST as wack but for different reasons.”
go on please…….. explain how these are so?
yeah, i’d like to hear this
Well, a guy who is 40 with hardly any baggage at all (not even a divorce) then sounds to me like he is socially inept to some degree. never had any kids? Never been married? Something then sounds wrong with him, or *too* squeaky clean. Either his social skills are horrible to where he developed slowly, or he was a man whore for most of his time and is just now growing up. Something just wouldn’t be right with a dude 40+ who had no baggage whatsoever by then. On the flip, a younger guy with lotsa kids (and never married) is equally just as bad, just because it sounds like he was a bit irresponsible with his time or something. This is of course only applicable if you find family planning to be important to you. If not, then it doesn’t apply.
“Something just wouldn’t be right with a dude 40+ who had no baggage whatsoever by then.”
So if a woman is in her 40s and not married and no kids, would you think something was wrong with her too?
If she were never married, never engaged, never pregnant by age 40? It would cause me to raise an eyebrow, if only because it defies the natural order of things. It would just be cause for further investigation lol
“I got degrees to keep me warm at night”~I hear ya, parchment is a great insulator.
“parchment is a great insulator”
been a minute since we had a good t-shirt quote in the comments
only if by “a while” you mean YESTERDAY! lol
word to ma! …2 or 3 good quotes per day.
Angry ninjas aren’t as snarky.
thanks Champ~you made my morning!!!
**dancing in chair**
“thanks Champ~you made my morning!!!”
if i had a dollar for every time a woman said that to me, i’d have….one dollar
LOL …….. literally.
LOL at the Kanye “College Drop Out” shout out!
i don’t think that the pool of available people shrinks as we get older, its just that we find it harder to compromise what we will and will not tolerate in a mate, making it harder to meet that eligible bachelor or bachelorette!!! i see single people who can’t get past the physical or material in order to see the true person within!! we are all caught up in this (she’s too tall, he’s too short, she’s too big, he’s too black, etc.)!! i feel that once we get out of our own way in regards to the things that we claim to be able to live and not live without, can we then find the love that was meant for each of us!!
i always thought that i was the prime example of what a hot commodity would be to a young black woman: no kids, a job (career, actually), educated (formally and informally), a love for family and God!! i could go on, but you get the picture!! yet, i didn’t fit into their idea of the tall, dark and handsome knight swooping down in the 645i ready to take them off to the 2 bedroom condo on the 11th floor!! but i’m happy with who i am and what i have!! i don’t need to acquire those things to validate me nor do i need the “gabby union” like woman with the $200K job to validate me!! i’m in no rush!!!
“i don’t think that the pool of available people shrinks as we get older, its just that we find it harder to compromise what we will and will not tolerate in a mate…”
Actually, I will agree with this statement. However, it’s probably not for the same reason you made it. I almost got married at 25…but at the time, I felt like he wasn’t quite at the maturity level I would have liked. I’m I didn’t, because it gave me an opportunity to continue to grow and become who I was meant to be, fully. I do now find it harder to compromise the core standards (which actually have nothing to do with degrees and other outward accoutrements). I’m waiting for someone who is available (meaning ready to share their lives with another person, without BS). I’m certainly not into the “baller” types…but someone who is stable and can pay their bills. I don’t really care what they do for a living…as long as it’s legal. Yet with just these basics…which I refuse to compromise on…the pickings are shockingly slim. And since I’m only 31…I don’t expect this to get better by any means. I’ll probably end up being somebody’s 2nd wife LOL…
Kudos JBoogie!! I hear ya. I too almost got married at 26, then decided to end the (6yr) relationship, because i was not financially nor mentally prepared for marriage, in addition he had his hang-ups as well. After the breakup however, i did a lot of soul searching and now i’m at a good place (30yrs old) in my life, where i feel confident, content and complacent to have a family.
In my opinion, in your 20′s is too young for marriage. Thats a point in life where many of us try to gain an understanding of who we are and where we would like to go. Plus, its a great time to date and get to know others as well as what kind of person u would like to marry. The kind of man i was attracted to in my early 20′s is totally different from who im attracted to today.
I luv being 30! I’m sexually liberated, financially stable, intellectually inebriated and a social butterfly just to name a few. Now I can say that I am whole heartedly ready for that next step.
[quote]In my opinion, in your 20’s is too young for marriage. Thats a point in life where many of us try to gain an understanding of who we are and where we would like to go. Plus, its a great time to date and get to know others as well as what kind of person u would like to marry. The kind of man i was attracted to in my early 20’s is totally different from who im attracted to today.[end quote]
You’re not going to get to know who you want to marry if the person you were in your 20s is not the same as the one in your 30s.
I think getting married in your 20s is fine. People should be figuring out who they are and what they want to do with their life in the 18-21 period as they’re working through college. Too many people at that time are caught up in the moment and have nobody to teach them or force them to look ahead. I understand that some things you must go through to really understand and appreciate, but there must be a way for younger generations to benefit from more of life lessons than “drugs are bad for you” and “keep it in your pants”.
All of my future kids will be college bound by the time I’m 50.
@kamakula: The person i was attracted to in my early twenties (21-25yrs old) changed descriptively from the person im attracted to today (27-30yrs old). Im just saying: date and get to know what you like the most. Get to know various personalities and characteristics before you choose. Its like an ice cream shop: you may have liked vanilla in the beginning because u’ve never sampled no other flavors, but you never knew how exciting and eccentric butter pecan praline tasted until you tried it. then when all the flavors are sample, you decide on orange sherbet because it gave you brain freeze and it tasted the best;)
well, in my case, i was engaged in my early 20′s and things didn’t work out as planned, but not by either one of our designs (the good Lord saw fit to call her home)…i think we had a great relationship and would have grown closer together and grew with each other!! We had been together since high school and throughout most of our college lives!! if you know what you want, you know what you want!! doesn’t matter if you are 20 or 40!! it’s just when you are 40, you are less likely to bend and be flexible about what comes along with that package!!
I beg to differ on that statement; i believe your taste changes with age. Most people are not as expressive in their early 20′s with their feelings, because they’re still trying to figure our who they are. With age comes wisdom and knowing ones-self. Don’t get me wrong there are possibly many couples who find that one person and grow together in a loving relationship. However the high rates of divorce doesn’t say so. In addition, If i could put a number on it i think 80% of people who got married before the age of 30 settled. If we could really see what happens behind those close doors my theory would be right. Most couples at that age stay together out of convenience and family. I might be going off on a limb on this but…oh well.
*Ask 5 friends that you know that has gotten married before the age of 30 if they are truly happy or comfortable and check their response*
“well, in my case, i was engaged in my early 20’s and things didn’t work out as planned, but not by either one of our designs (the good Lord saw fit to call her home)”
wow. sorry to hear that man.
“I luv being 30! I’m sexually liberated, financially stable, intellectually inebriated and a social butterfly just to name a few. Now I can say that I am whole heartedly ready for that next step.”
Co-sign NY! It was a long hard road, but we got there, didn’t we?
YES MAME!!!
“*Ask 5 friends that you know that has gotten married before the age of 30 if they are truly happy or comfortable and check their response*”
all 5 have said they are truly happy!!
“I beg to differ on that statement; i believe your taste changes with age. Most people are not as expressive in their early 20’s with their feelings, because they’re still trying to figure our who they are. With age comes wisdom and knowing ones-self. Don’t get me wrong there are possibly many couples who find that one person and grow together in a loving relationship. However the high rates of divorce doesn’t say so. In addition, If i could put a number on it i think 80% of people who got married before the age of 30 settled. If we could really see what happens behind those close doors my theory would be right. Most couples at that age stay together out of convenience and family. I might be going off on a limb on this but…oh well.”
i think people in their 20′s are expressive with their feelings!! i believe the younger you are, the more open you are about your feelings because there is less bitterness when those feelings have been shot down!! they are more honest and open and slightly less guarded!! but as you grow older the constant stings of disappointment take its toll and makes you more guard and less expressive!! most couples marry that young (20-25) out of love….a little later (25-30)it is out of convenience and then after that(30+)….its love again!!!
the pickings aren’t slim, but are you willing to overlook the package that it comes in?? i see all the time where women and men have such high standards, that they keep themselves from finding their mates!! I used to do it!! i wanted “c” cups or bigger!! i wanted 5’4″ to 5’7″!! i wanted no bigger than a size 7!! i limited my options drastically until i saw the bigger picture!!!
Hmm…where I live…the pickings ARE slim, at least to me. I care nothing about the package it comes in…I never did. What’s important is (a) character and (b) how well we mesh together.
i’m just saying that sometimes people can’t look past the package to see the gifts inside!! you have to get through the exterior to see the character in order to see how well you two mesh!!
“its just that we find it harder to compromise what we will and will not tolerate in a mate”
this is a good point. i actually think that the longer you wait, the less likely you are to settle, mainly because you dont want to be thinking to yourself “i waited this long for this bullshit???”
*high fives champ*
exactly…
“i waited this long for this bullshit???”
I am wearing this tshirt right now!!
“i waited this long for this bullshit.” The Champ
good one, i would certainly don this t.
btw:
me thinks the quotes vsb uses on the t-shirts, should be accompanied by the screenname of the person who contributed the quote.
me thinks the person who contributed the quote should also share in the profit of said shirts. which in the case of the producers who may also be quote contributors can eat twice. im not mad.
or me thinks vsb will have some competition, Lord forbid litigation. i’d rather work with you than against you.
talk black to me
““i waited this long for this bullshit.” The Champ
good one, i would certainly don this t.
btw:
me thinks the quotes vsb uses on the t-shirts, should be accompanied by the screenname of the person who contributed the quote.”
i was thinking this as well, and…
“me thinks the person who contributed the quote should also share in the profit of said shirts. ”
…if they wanna contribute to production, storage, and shipping costs, i’m all for it
um shawty: cafepress.com, spreadshirt.com, zazzle.com … minimal production. no storage. buyer pays shipping.
“um shawty: cafepress.com, spreadshirt.com, zazzle.com … minimal production. no storage. buyer pays shipping.”
see. learn something new everyday
there it is Tiff. i thought i was gonna break zazzle out like a diamond at a proposal but errr ahhhh, there it is!
now let’s get it in…
*Gimme some on the black hand side Champ*
Kudos…
Here’s a question for you Champ…
Can a person who cheats on his/her marriage be happy in their marriage??
“Here’s a question for you Champ…
Can a person who cheats on his/her marriage be happy in their marriage??”
sure. an armless man can catch a cold too.
point being, just because its possible, doesn’t mean it should be attempted
then why cheat??
people who cheat usually do so because they find being faithful unreasonable. people may have there own specific reasons, but it basically comes back to that.
i’m vehemently anti-cheating, btw. my thing is, if you’re that unhappy, end the relationship.
“if you’re that unhappy, end the relationship.”
STANDING AND APPLAUDING AT THE CHAMP!!!!!!!
so your saying the person cheated because they’re unhappy??
nope…he stated that a person cheats because “because they find being faithful unreasonable” not because they’re unhappy!!
thank you champ!!! thank you!!!
@don giovanni: Champs quote “i’m vehemently anti-cheating, btw. my thing is, if you’re that unhappy, end the relationship.”
so that goes to show that person is unhappy with the situation so they found what they were looking from another. Or their current mate could not provide what they want so they looked else where. That Mister DG means he/she is not satisfied with the current…i rest my case (wink)
“so your saying the person cheated because they’re unhappy??”
no, i’m saying that people cheat because they want to. noone is ever forced into cheating…you willingly force YOURSELF into cheating.
thank you champ!! the same thing i have been telling her for months!!! people cheat because they want to!!
i agree that people have various reasons for cheating. However, i believe the main reason people cheat because there is something that they are not recieveing from the other person, so they go find it elsewhere…
think of your first love, the last time you were truly in love with someone. Could no one tell you any different about the way you felt about that person. You worshiped the ground they walked on. Would you have cheated on that person??
ok the question was
Can a person who cheats on his/her marriage be happy in their marriage??
Exactly…I think cheating is basically selfish…and cowardly. Rather than just do the right thing…you put yourself and all those involved at risk…
just as i heard one woman say in a local lounge one wednesday night with about 4 other women and myself listening on…..”i can’t say that i will be 100% faithful to my mate!!!” not saying that i am seeking to cheat, but if the opportunity to hop in bed with Vanessa Simmons came up, i’m taking it!!! it has nothing to do with me being unhappy with my woman!! it has everything to do with me being a selfish, greedy pig!!!
my question is about happiness in a marriage, not why people cheat. If a person that went before God and recited these vows is he/she 100% happy in his/her marriage.
“ok the question was
Can a person who cheats on his/her marriage be happy in their marriage??”
sure. an armless man can catch a cold too
thanks again!!!
@Don Giovanni: Well if your a greedy pig then there is somthing that your missing out on at home that’s not feeding you right. Your not satisfy/happy with your dish;)
nope….i just like to eat at a buffet!!!
LOL @ “waiting for this bullshit?” That’s def one of my fears, the other being, “damn I shoulda waited!” hahah.
“i don’t think that the pool of available people shrinks as we get older, its just that we find it harder to compromise what we will and will not tolerate in a mate, making it harder to meet that eligible bachelor or bachelorette!!!”
now i kind of always assumed the opposite, but I think it’s because the concept of settling changes with age. at 25, you may be settling b/c the individual doesn’t look how you want them to look or they aren’t as successful (i.e. degrees, whathaveyou). i think at 40, you’re concern isn’t so much the success as it is the person. i could be very wrong on this, but i really think that the older you get your ideals of whats important change, so yeah you wouldn’t date a jackass, but you may date a struggling artist who doesnt make much, but has a warm and fuzzy charismatic demeanor, and wears bunny slippers which shows he’s down to earth and likes hot cocoa with 2 marshmallows which shows he’s still a kid at heart and makes you smile.
so what if he REALLY hasn’t figured out an actual vocation because he makes you happy.
i could be completely wrong on this, and i know somebody will tell me, but that’s been my general thought.
“i think at 40, you’re concern isn’t so much the success as it is the person. i could be very wrong on this, but i really think that the older you get your ideals of whats important change, so yeah you wouldn’t date a jackass, but you may date a struggling artist who doesnt make much, but has a warm and fuzzy charismatic demeanor, and wears bunny slippers which shows he’s down to earth and likes hot cocoa with 2 marshmallows which shows he’s still a kid at heart and makes you smile.”
I agree with you on this, however I think it happens at an earlier age. I believe that as early as your late 20s you begin to realize that finding someone with the house, car, etc. is not as important as finding someone who makes you smile, laugh and have a good time. So it really doesn’t matter at what age, I think it just depends on a person’s maturity level. When do you realize that the “Bling bling” is not as important as great conversation and stability…..:-)
i think we all have our “dream list” and our “but i can work with” lists.
my dream list includes child-free, sexy as hell, upper-income, educated, never married, good credit, and owns some property.
but i can work with kinda broke, as long as he’s still sexy as hell, and makes me giggle…lol
@ TIFF…girl you can have your wish list…since you didn’t add STRAIGHT to your list…lol…
i didn’t say that was my entire list. i said that it *includes* those things.
but since you brought it up, if a dude is attracted to me, he’s straight enough for my tastes. i’m more concerned with whether he’s honest, faithful, and compatible than with his orientation.
“straight enough fo your tastes”?
I don’t want you to think I am being funny but I have NEVER seen this phrase…what does that mean?
i take it you like 2 marshmallows??
@ don
I might be late on this…but why all the exclamation points? I know you’re not that daggone excited about each sentence.
YES I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!!!!
“i don’t think that the pool of available people shrinks as we get older, its just that we find it harder to compromise what we will and will not tolerate in a mate, making it harder to meet that eligible bachelor or bachelorette!!!”
Don, so true. By a certain age however, it should be clear on what you want in a relationship. I know as I get older my tolerance for BS is nil; however I know what’s important in order to make a relationship work and some things aren’t even part of the equation.
Well speaking for the people who married young…(age 23) I didnt get married because it was “my only priority”..I got married because I was genuinely in love and he was the perfect man for me. Umpteen years later we are still together and I have obtained everything that i wanted to obtain in my life. People have this misconception that your life ends when you get married but if you marry someone who has the same goals and priorities as you do, you dont have to give up yourself for the sake of another.
Honestly I really feel bad for my sistahs out there who are still in the dating game. Cuz the pickings are slim..and yes as u get older u start to compromise and that long list of what you want in a man start to get shorter and shorter the older you get. Prince Charming doesnt exist. Sometimes you’re lucky if you end up with a Shrek..lol
‘and yes as u get older u start to compromise and that long list of what you want in a man start to get shorter and shorter the older you get.’
or in my case, as you get older (and can see that you have grown and devloped as a human being) you refuse to compromise and the batch of that fit on that list become smaller and smaller.
At which point you re-evaluate the list, assess the limitations you set along with yourself as a person and and determine what you can and cannot deal with in a mate. (Example:Suga thinks to herself..’you know I can date a man who is not Black, but I COULD not date a short guy)
not saying this about your friends but in general:
some people should not be married whether they desire to or not. i’m not sure all those people know who they are and i’m not saying i do but just that it is often a fact that is overlooked.
Cosign. I am one of those people. I am not “boyfriend-material” by any means so I dont think I need to even think about being married.
I think all of us dudes go through a period where we are clearly not “boyfriend-material”. We may still have the characteristics that would be great to be a good one, but mentally, at some point, all we really want to do is play “poke-n-stroke”
““poke-n-stroke””
ah yes. “poke-n-stroke” is my 3rd favorite game, next to basketball and “hurt-n-squirt”
what about hide n go f*ck?
“what about hide n go f*ck?”
this is a game?
“hurt-n-squirt” **whispering** I like the sound of this
@The Champ – yes this is a game. It is an adult version of hide n go seek. You play it naked and in the dark. One goes and hides, the other seeks and where the seeker finds the hider they get it on.
” yes this is a game. It is an adult version of hide n go seek. You play it naked and in the dark. One goes and hides, the other seeks and where the seeker finds the hider they get it on.”
hmmm. i dont know if i like the sound of running around outside in the dark with rabbits and shit while my wang’s exposed. in fact, i know i dont like the sound of that.
@The Chizzamp – umm it can be played in the house. Which is where I prefer to play it. Its really fun after a drink or 3.
@ CHAMP…I agree…naked sex games outside lead to the most unusual locations for mosquito bites…places that calamine should NEVER go…trust me on this one!
that ol poke-n-choke is higly rated to b. ask around.
@GK…co-sign…same can be said for those that yearn to reproduce….some biologial clocks should be unplugged, have the batteries removed, and the minute and hour hands ripped off!
everything that is sold, shouldn’t be bought!
a lot of people only want to get married because they are conditioned to believe that they should want to be married….I call BULLSH!T
“Prince Charming doesnt exist. Sometimes you’re lucky if you end up with a Shrek..lol”
10 points for the relevant and perfectly analogous pop-culture reference.
I agree with Champ’s points and as a rule (and of course there are exceptions and i applaud the exceptions), I don’t think getting married young is a good look, and I don’t think it’s the preferred or desireable state. At least, it’s not for me.
Depending on your education (h.s. vs. college and grad school) and geography (rural vs city) marriages between people who married young (under 25) tend to fail more often than other marriages (and with the marriage failure rate so high, some of you will wonder if that matters. Point taken).
At 30, with no kids and a career, I’d like to get married to a similar man*. And I’m actually much more enthusiastic about my chances of making that type of relationship work now than I was at 25. I hadn’t met the right man at a young age (you know, i met some who i SWORE were right, but time bore out that they were not) but even if I had I don’t know that I would’ve made the best wife then. Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon
*That’s actually a sticking point. Finding a man this age in this region (D.C.) that doesn’t already have kids from a previous relationship (usually not a marriage). It can definitely be done, but it’s not always easy. That may be something I have to compromise on, but so far I’m fighting it tooth and nail. I’d probably do better with a dudes who aren’t from D.C.
For Real dreams: “*Finding a man this age in this region (D.C.) that doesn’t already have kids from a previous relationship (usually not a marriage)[is difficult]. I’d probably do better with a dudes who aren’t from D.C. ”
ForReal? look again love i think it’s a nationwide phonomena and the older you get (well, you already know the probabilities) keep ur head up though, stranger things have happened.
I know
And I do know some men without kids. I think I have the D.C. spin on it because this kid thing has been an issue since I was a (young) teenager, not just now, and I’m speaking what I’ve seen personally. Most of my girls from other parts of the country didn’t have to worry about their boyfriend missing prom cause he didn’t have a babysitter!
I say this all the time about men here in Houston…so it’s definitely more widespread than not. I also tend to believe that if I could find one from somewhere other than Houston, I’d be set…as most of the guys I’ve dated actually were from other cities/states. Go figure…
“but even if I had I don’t know that I would’ve made the best wife then”
wow. some genuine self-reflection there. kudos
For any sanely and conscious man to agree with that sentiment would be him admitting that he is himself is…well you know…unfavorable. Yeah that’s a good, nice, kind word.
I married my first husband when I was 19 and it is very much true that it was because marriage was the priority at the time. My mindset then was screw college, which I actually had applied and been accepted to, I want that man and I am going to get him. After he passed way a short four years later I looked at my life and said fluck it, I’ll find another. Which I did at the dumb age of 25. After that dramatic adventure I finally came to my senses and asked, “Woman what the hell are you thinking?” But by then I had two kids, and a ton of responsibility. (sigh)
Sorry I tend to go off topic into my own little diatribe sometimes…
But yeah, I do not think there is a shortage I just think those choosing are maybe too choosy…(duck). And I am not saying settle for anything or just anybody. Hell I didn’t this second time around. We all have a right to what we want. But think about it, most single women that I know will tell you they know of some rather upstanding hardworking intelligent chaps. Now why they don’t view those same friends, associates, compadres as marriageable I haven’t the faintest idea. Maybe his ears are too big. Unfortunately is has shamefully gotten that pity.
I look at my brother who is a well educated, financially stable, diligent, extremely handsome young devil. But he has one little problem. He is a ho. And he is a ho because women allow him to be because of this eligible man shortage fable. Men like him have this dime a dozen mentality when it comes to women looking for the desirables. As long we allow men, particularly black men, to think they are an endangered species they will always behave with such disregard for the sanctity of relationships and marriage.
PETTY not pity. See what choosing marriage over college will get you. (There are probably more LOL)
Yeah, I don’t believe that every single man left at 25 or 30 + is undersirable. I think some of them may have been waay desirable (read: hoish) earlier and refused to settle down. And now they are ready.
Also, especially for men how’ve gone to grad school, i think they may have been waiting to get serious about starting a family until they had acheived a certain level of success in their career. So by the time they hit 28, 30, they ar e looking at serious relationships and marriage as a possibility and perhaps a priority, where before they were definitely not.
he is a ho because he is a ho. and you shoooo nuff can’t turn a ho into a husband. research has shown that’s 10x harder than trying to turn a ho into a housewife… lol. that makes him un-marriage-worthy.
that said:
“most single women that I know will tell you they know of some rather upstanding hardworking intelligent chaps.”
and they are probably unattractive or unattainable in some way. i can think of a dozen and all but one are either spoken for, gay, or have children. and that last dude lives too far for me to even consider (like plane-ticket far).
“and you shoooo nuff can’t turn a ho into a husband. research has shown that’s 10x harder than trying to turn a ho into a housewife”
LMAO!
But note I said ‘hoish’ not a true ho. Sometimes people just do stuff cause they can, not cause they really believe in it so to speak. For those guys, I think there is hope.
You know, I actually disagree that it’s harder to turn a ho into a husband than into a housewife.
I think most men start ho and go husband, whereas most women start out as wanting the good life (husband and monogamy) and through a series of unfortunate events turn ho. Which means to me that being a ho for a man is something you get over when you realize that the ho-ish life is not only played but a lot of responsibility (like seriously, have you ever TRIED to remember every chicks name you are smurfing at a current time – keeping a brothels worth of rumpshakers is hardwork). i feel like woman who’s gone ho has somehow made the determination that life is just a big ass hustle and that you should get yours at all times. that’s a hard mentality to get over.
or more simply, that’s a tough road to ho(e).
if a man wants to be a husband — not just get married, but be faithful in that marriage — he wasn’t all that much of a ho to begin with. he was just a dude who hadn’t found mrs. right.
true hoes don’t change even when they’re married.
“true hoes don’t change even when they’re married.”
i think true hoes can change. i mean, they werent born true hoes, and since thats learned behavior, it can be conditioned out of them
i just wont be the guy to do it, lol
True yeah…however. The simple fact that I know him personally and I know what he says and how he thinks, I will again say he has the attitude of women are a dime a dozen for guys like him because we women allow it. His words not mine.
Now you have to take that up with him and those like him. (j/k) LOL
“because we women allow it. ”
hmm… lacks a sense of personal responsibility too. yeah. def. not marriage material.. lol…
LOL..i’ll defer to y’all on that one. Sometimes a ho is just a ho, period!
Raqui teaches: (shaking finger) “As long we allow men, particularly black men, to think they are an endangered species they will always behave with such disregard for the sanctity of relationships and marriage.”
keep in mind:
“men date until they are ready to get married, women are ready to get married and so they date.”
P. Jackson
“men date until they are ready to get married, women are ready to get married and so they date.”
P. Jackson
So it is written
That’s biblical right there
“As long we allow men, particularly black men, to think they are an endangered species they will always behave with such disregard for the sanctity of relationships and marriage.”
This statement is the cross that we have to bare. My best male friend and I were having a conversation a couple of years ago about relationships (both of us having recently ended a long term one at that point) and we were basically crying on each others shoulders when he came out his face and said “I know I’m a commodity because I’m not married, have no kids, have a degree, own a business, a home yada yada yada…” and he continued to list all these other things then followed his dating resume with “…and every aspect that makes me a hot commodity makes you intimidating to a man because a man knows or thinks he knows you aren’t going to put up with nonsense and will automatically take himself out as an option. He knows or thinks he knows you are career driven, and will assume you dont want a family, he knows or thinks that you know you don’t need him. So what makes me hot, doesn’t work so much for you”
Gee thanks, I think!
Oh yeah and btw I love him to death, but he’s a ho and he gets away with it because collectively we let him.
I actually have a homeboy who ran that hot commodity line of bullmalarkey by me one day. he was trying to explain to me that women should be lining up to smurf him, etc. which was surprising to me considering how he has NO game whatsoever.
which brings up another point, lazy men. i think that hot commodity shit breeds lazy dudes. on this accord, my sistas (and sisters), i’m on your side.
i hate cats who get on that whole, i’m special they should all want me if you aint willing to put in the work to be a ho.
no more lazy hos.
“no more lazy hos.”
was this already a t-shirt?
I think so. Or it was ‘nothing’s worse than a lazy ho’. something like that.
We gotta go back and get all of our t-shirt quotes!
ForReals’ epiphany: [alarms going off] “We gotta go back and get all of our t-shirt quotes!”
done. i was never without them and a few others too. heh, heh, heh.
“I actually have a homeboy who ran that hot commodity line of bullmalarkey by me one day. he was trying to explain to me that women should be lining up to smurf him, etc. which was surprising to me considering how he has NO game whatsoever.”
Is this the guy who inspired the “diva dude” definition.
“which brings up another point, lazy men. i think that hot commodity shit breeds lazy dudes. on this accord, my sistas (and sisters), i’m on your side.”
I’ve exchanged numbers with guys and when they’ve finally called, they ask me why I didn’t call them …. I had their number.
Or, the guy who only calls and when I stop answering their call I’ll get a call one day out of the blue talking about what happened, why did I dis them. I’m like I’m not looking for phone friends and they want to know why didn’t I tell them I wanted to go out on a date.
I’m like dude, if you want to take me out you ask. If you don’t, I’ll assume you don’t want to.
“i hate cats who get on that whole, i’m special they should all want me if you aint willing to put in the work to be a ho.”
I’m not about to put all my business out on the net, but I’ve got a couple of funny stories about the comment above. If we ever meet in person, remind me to tell a story or two
“I’m not about to put all my business out on the net, but I’ve got a couple of funny stories about the comment above. If we ever meet in person, remind me to tell a story or two”
will do. and no, this dude didnt inspire the diva dudes post since that’s from the champs worldwide travels.
not consequently, this dude went to Morehouse. perhaps there’s a link.
“I’ve exchanged numbers with guys and when they’ve finally called, they ask me why I didn’t call them …. I had their number.”
@Harlem…if I had a dollar for everytime I heard that! I’m like… dude YOU came at ME… you inititiated but lack follow through…don’t try to blame that on me…(witcholayzeeass)
I swear…that’s just as bad as the ones that get the math and jump straight from “hello” to talking drawls…puh-leez…I am not ugly…sex is easy…what else ya got?
pj…WORD. But the reality is…he’s right. There are pressed azz women who would smurf him on the basis of this.
You know what I HATE though…less than attractive men acting this way. It’s like, dude, seriously? I’m not saying unattractive men shouldn’t have standards…but dayum, you need to evaluate what’s important and what’s not. The only way you’re getting an 8+ woman (looks wise) is if you are a ROCK STAR. Barring that…GTFOH with that mess!
“After he passed way a short four years later…”
wow. i’m sorry to hear that
Thanks Champ.
@Raqi…”After he passed way a short four years later I looked at my life and said fluck it, I’ll find another.”…
damn…(hug) that’s alot for a young wife to handle, I’m sure…I’m proud of you for this right here…not the “fluck it” part…but being able to come out on the other side of something like that…
makes sense to me. every attractive 30-something dude i come across is either taken or comes with a 7-piece samsonite collection of issues (ex-wife or baby mama and children).
i’ve pretty much given up on having a relationship for the next decade or so. i’m waiting for the mid-life post-divorce rebounds. by then at least these dudes’ kids will be old enough for me to ignore them…LOL. (don’t have kids. don’t want any. would rather not deal with yours.)
… or maybe i should just limit my dating pool to those under 25 and those over 50… hmmm….
‘i’ve pretty much given up on having a relationship for the next decade or so. i’m waiting for the mid-life post-divorce rebounds”
lol, damn. i hope you stay stocked in fresh batteries
i said “relationships” … didn’t say nothin’ about “arrangements” and “experiences.”
aha!
The exclamation, not to be confused with the Norwegian band “a-ha” who created one of the greatest songs of all time in “take on me”.
“take on me” is one of my favorite songs and videos EVER. uh … i may have to make an “arrangement” with you for that one.
Cosign!!! That video was groundbreaking.
“a-ha” the best video ever. INGENIOUS!!!!
Just started reading the comments and I came across this one. I JUST downloaded this song last night! Glad to see Im not the only 80′s music fan up in heuh!
“i said “relationships” … didn’t say nothin’ about “arrangements” and “experiences.””
i prefer to call em “understandings”
(clears throat) ex-wives aren’t always drama…
lol…just thought I would throw that out there on behalf of the DEW (Drama-less Ex Wives) Club…Co-Parent chapter!
I have stated before that there is not a male shortage and I still stand by my belief. The only shortage I see is men who not in the marriaging pool. I know several eligible men (no kids, house, degrees, cars, etc) who are simply not ready to get married.
Most focused men who want to get married say they will marry at 30 however with 30 being the new 20 (bull) men are now waiting til 40. By 40 they are overweight (beer belly and tits) and think they are Gods gift since they are uneducated with kidsm
The desire to get married is dwindling not because of a shortage but because its not a priority to men. (Excuse typed mistake — sent from phone).
(Excuse typed mistake — sent from phone).
Signs You May Be Facing a VSB.Com Addiction
Sign #1: You send multiple messages a day via your cell phone or crackberry
Sign #2: Each day you look for possible new t-shirt slogans(I am guilty)
I too am guilty of both~
1. yesterday I happened to catch Champ on Facebook and he asked where I had been. I explained that I had been upset cause my phone (for whatever reason) wont let me reply to comments….
2. I even look for Tshirt slogans when talking to colleagues and students **lowering head in shame**
Where is the 12 step meeting for VSB, sign me up!!
“Sign #2: Each day you look for possible new t-shirt slogans(I am guilty)”
we really are gonna get moving with these t-shirts. hopefully by the end of the summer there will be longwinded cats walking around various metropolitan areas with vsb.com tshirts
In a dream I had the other night I was wearing a VSB.com t shirt.
this made me shed a tear and shit. we also are gonna at some point get on the VSB Pajama Jammy Jam Shindig and BBQ.
LMAO~ you should have the “VSB Pajama Jammy Jam” in the DC area during the week of July 11-19 I will surely be declaring bankruptcy after then. So my world tour will come to an end unless I get a benefactor. hmmm (sorry tangent)
@Hedonist: I can imagine this will be a great time to be in DC. Whole city littered with pink&green…
I’m getting ally periwinkled just thinking about it.
I was going to email you on the side to inquire what you have planned that week to roll out the Pink & Green carpet but since you brought it up here. Do tell..
@IH: Just hit me up via email. I’ll try to see whats going on. I know every club in DC is having something. Hell, we have a big ass party on Tuesday, July 15th (I think) for AKAs. Not to mention that on Friday, July 11th, Idris Elba is hosting the party featuring 9th Wonder of Little Brother on the 1′s and 2′s. True School Corporation. That party is a monster….
I WOULD LOVE to hear 9th Wonder spin some ish! (swoon) I need to move to the East, my brother, to the East my brother, to the East my brother, to the EEEAST!!
OMG!! I had a dream I had a tight ass VSB logo blended into my should piece…(tattoo)…I KNOW I have a problem…but I e-LOVE all ya’ll…(some more than others) and some more than a few of my “real” life friends….
LMAO…I am almost a little ashamed of that last part…well…not really…FUCK’em and feed’em cake!
“LMAO…I am almost a little ashamed of that last part…well…not really…FUCK’em and feed’em cake!”
smh. it seems as if someone wants to go back to the corner
@Suga Spice. I am so hooked went on vacation for 3 days and still read every comment. Was too pissed I couldn’t comment on other comment from my crackberry.
Elenda thinks: “The desire to get married is dwindling not because of a shortage but because its not a priority to men.”
hmmmm this is an interesting thought. i thinks that this could certainly be a PART of the dilema.
remember, regarding marriage:
what constitutes a priority for women [when & where it does] does not necessarily constitute a priority for men. never has.
good call Elenda. it seems so obvious but i don’t recollect anyone saying this yet. salute!
@genius. Thanks. I have always noticed that men are SLOWER than women when it comes to anything related to building a family. I just don’t think time frames exist in YA’LLs world.
there is no time frame for marriage as far as men. At least there isn’t for me. I’ve always said it’ll happens when it happens. I just think its not something one can actually plan for cause you don’t know when you will meet the person you may marry. How can you make a priority of something you arent’t even sure when and if it will even happen. I think setting marriage as a goal is what causes problems for some women cause they seeing things in men that aren’t there cause they are set on getting married.
just a guess
“(beer belly and tits)”
**shaking head at the thought**
““(beer belly and tits)”
**shaking head at the thought**”
although, an evening of beer, “belly”, and tits wouldn’t be quite bad.
“The desire to get married is dwindling not because of a shortage but because its not a priority to men.”
Yes and no. I think teh desire to get married probably hasn’t really changed at all over the generations. Men and women just don’t need each other anymore since teh civil rights and women’s rights movements. Individuals can survive on their own nowadays. As a result we “Let love rule” (c) Zoe Kravitz’ father, and when romantic love alone rules, lots of people get left out in the cold.
speaking of Zoe: she produced this.
Click here: tried to add a link but vsb aint having it.
“The desire to get married is dwindling not because of a shortage but because its not a priority to men. ”
I agree. And one reason it is not a priority, unfortunately, is because more and more men are wondering ‘what do i get out of marriage anyway?’. We ladies may have to make a stronger case for marriage, keeping a man’s perspective in mind not just our own, through our actions, words, etc. And no, i don’t mean begging.
I agree. My brother says that he will not get married until he is ready to have a kid and maybe not even then. According to him he has everything he needs already being “committed” to two different women.
Ha. How about the younger (21-30) ladies are getting hip to the game and wondering what they get out of marriage. Aside from succumbing to societal pressures, let’s see.
–They get to have ‘legitimate’ kids. If you’re Black your kids get to be part of the 30% not born out of wedlock. Big whoop since there’s no stigma for the 70% born out of wedlock.
–They also get to be the person primarily responsible for domestic matters. In other words, even if they get an agreement that household duties are going to be spli 50/50, they still end up doing more.
–They get to be on the frontline of child rearing. They’re usually the ‘call in case of emergency’ person on school records.
–And if they’re lucky and they marry someone whose income can’t cover all household expenses, they also get to work outside of the home.
When some women put it to me like that, uh it seemed quite logical that they had no interest in getting married. So I’m starting to believe (cus I didn’t before) that when some women say they don’t want to get married, it means they don’t see anything in it for them and really don’t want to get married.
pretty much. i mean, yeah, i want to have a close emotional relationship and a nasty-in-a-good way sexual one, preferably, but not necessarily, with one person. neither marriage nor shared residence is required.
@Hostess. Thanks hostess (rolling my eyes)! You just shot my hopes and expectation of martial bliss to hell. LOL Just kidding (sort of)
Hmmmm. Let’s look at the advantages of getting married. Two incomes, children being raised by mother and father (at same time), monogamy (tight bonds), stability, and lifelong comittment. Not to mention if you two split, legal security that you will get half the pie (in most cases).
And so with those two incomes remember WOMEN are usually the ones who do most of the domestic stuff AND are mostly responsible for the day-to-day caring of the kids. Now, let’s assume in those 50% of marriages that end in divorce, the woman is wearing all those hats and isn’t getting one or any of the benefits you listed. Sucks right?? I’m not liking the math on this at all. But I’m desitned to marry and staff up the homestead with a team of babies. A psychic told me so.
@Hostess. I refuse to get married and have a roommate. I will not be paying 50% of s$hit nor will I be a live in housekeeper. The way I see it, I will be marrying someone who will have my back like my father. The whole having your father “give you away” at your wedding is the way I view marriage. He (your father) is retiring or relingishing his duties as your provider to your husband.
If I am going to pay 50% of everything then I may need to be alone forever. We have got to get our ROLES in order.
@Elenda
really? Aint marriage nowadays supposed to be a partnership? When you get divorced ain’t you demanding 50% of his shit? The days when your husband took over the father role also coincided with women being second class citizens. Thats what I thought anyway. Maybe I’m wrong. I know when I get married I’m not assuming the role of a grown womans father. The day a woman says that to me is the day I drop her back off to move back in with that cat.
Yall have some dank views on what marriage should be
but you can have all of that without marriage. and you can get many of the major legal and financial protections if you get your paperwork right. i’ll take a JTROS and a living will please.
@Hostess- I have to chime in defense of men.
-I would like to think I would marry a woman that wouldn’t let me get lazy to the point that she is doing most of the housework. Plus I just feel shitty when someone cleans up my mess like I’m a five year old.
-No woman can cook better than me on the whole. She may do some thing better but in total im the best hands down. Challenge me. I will win.
- Also I wouldn’t want to marry a woman that wouldn’t want to do more than be a housewife. Every housewife I’ve known doesn’t have much goin on outside of the house and it makes them a drag to be around for everyone (besides the husband I assume).
-I will chip in on the rearing and care of the midgets I helped create. If they act like assholes its just as much my fault as hers. Moreso I think if I aint helping. Plus when I was in school My dad was an emergency contact. I used to alternate between both my parents if I didn’t just list them both.
sorry I had to debunk alla that stuff you listed. If you are stating these as absolutes..they just aren’t.
@Thanks Deviant for breaking it down because she was describing a sorry husband.
We ladies may have to make a stronger case for marriage, keeping a man’s perspective in mind not just our own, through our actions, words, etc. And no, i don’t mean begging.”
There’s not much you ladies can do or say. It’s just a function of the evolution of society in the West. It’s the tradeoff of tremendous gains in technology, advances in the ideas of equality between the races and sexes, and economic prosperity (even though we’re walking into a recession right now.)
I imagine if World War 3 had jumped off between the US and Russia and we’d had to start over on some Mad Max, Planet of the Apes shit, then we’d all be married trying to scrape together existences in the ashes.
The following is what old broads say:
“The way to make marriage appealing is to change a man’s life. Most men can’t cook. Ladies, learn to cook. Most men don’t clean nearly as well as women. Ladies clean. Most men aren’t all that organized. Ladies, organize his life.”
NOW, here’s what I say: Yeah you can do all those things. But it’s no sure fire tactic. Doing those things assures is that if y’all break up, he’ll miss you lots. He’ll miss you even more when he gets with the next chick who proudly proclaims she can’t boil water. BUT, if you do stay together, doing all that stuff ensures he’s going to expect you to be master of all things domestic for the rest of your relationship. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.
Women aren’t as pressed for marriage because economically, we can fend for ourselves. AND, more men are learning to cook–or think they can. They don’t need a woman to clean either because they just hire maids. Most men except my 22 year old brother who has made it known that if he moves to a state away from our parents, he will need a wife ASAP because he doesn’t know how to cook, clean, or really wash clothes. And he has NO interest in learning. I think my mother did this on purpose. He never learned to do the typical ‘women things’. At the same times, my dad was never too big on me learning how to do man things. I snuck and learned but I’m a rebel!
Damn, I really need to get off of this computer and go clean my bathroom!
See, in my family it was the exact opposite. My brother (almost 22) learned how to clean and cook, courtesy of my mom. It was never a priority for me to learn to cook and I never had to until I was in college and off-campus.
Also, my dad gave me some of the best advice I have ever had “Make sure you can take care of yourself, that way you won’t need a man to do a damn thing for you.”
Do you think women (not you per se) who were raised hearing those words over and over wear those words on their sleeves?
no. we just STFU and do it.
my dad would not let me learn how to drive until I learned how to change a tire, check the oil, and jump a car. He said I had no business behind the wheel unless I could do that. So I know how to do that but ask me the last time I did it. Just like I know how to cook and can throw down but ask me the last time I did that….
that’s an interesting approach ur daddy took with you Hedo. i think it’s kind of fly actually. i hate women who act helpless for the smallest shit unless its a ploy to get sex. heh, heh, heh…
“i hate women who act helpless for the smallest shit unless its a ploy to get sex. heh, heh, heh…”
I only act helpless… heh, heh, heh back at ya
For real though I have impressed the hell out of many a man because of the very little car (under the hood) knowledge I have
I play the “woman role” that my parents instilled in me to a T, you know the cook and clean, take care of your babies, and your man (save I have neither of the latter).
I don’t do yard work, my dad does mine or hires one of his Mexican/Guatemalan tenants to come over and do it; that is not to say that I can’t, I just don’t. If my dad knew about one of my major work responsibilities and the physical labor that it involves he would be incredulous. Because that is not what he raised his “only baby girl” to do.
But the not driving thing yeah he was not joking about that partly because he didn’t want me to be stranded anywhere.
@Dom. I think it is good to learn how to do for yourself and not be helpless as a woman but I refuse to actually do it. Hell, I know how to change my tire and have had 4 flats; that didn’t stop me from sitting on my hood with the instruction manual waiting on a man to stop and fix my tire.
“…they did any and everything they could to insure this would happen, expediently. this includes certain career choices and only dating marriage-centric men. there were no accidents.”
AMEN. But, I think I’m a bit older than y’all. I know I’m older than Panama. And I got bad news for ya. In EVERY circle that I touch that arein MY age group, more than half of those women who did any and everything to be married by 28…are getting divorced or saving money so they can get a divorce. I heard about FIVE divorces in a two week period. All the women were kinda the ones you described.
Now, dealing with the other issue of the lack of available men, humh. I don’t buy it. The SAT (sad ass truth nobody wants to deal with) is that a lot of women who are 5′s (dumb, fat, kids, crazy, etc.), but were 7′s when they were under 28, still think they can get men who are at least 7′s. All the men who have ‘arrived’ (gone from 5′s to higher), avoided having stray kids, got degrees, homes, businesses, etc, they want women who are 8′s, at the least. I believe this is why I know a lot of men of all races who have ‘arrived’ but say they can’t find women. There are but so many 8+ women over 28 who aren’t crazy. By my math, in a place like the DC area, there are only 130 of these women. Yet, there are 160 men who are 7′s and above who want the 130 women and do not want the other 275 women who are 7-’s. Then if we add race into it, the numbers get ever clearer.
That might be confusing. Bottom line, all these single women are NOT women the single men want. All these single men aren’t the one’s the most sought after women want.
Hostess you are speaking some truth. I think everyone needs to be aware of stepping their game up. I’m a higher-education loving woman, but I feel pretty comfortable saying our degrees don’t mean as much to a man as we’d like them to. And likely not as much as his degrees mean to us. If a man had a choice between a degreed woman who was a bit crazy and a 6 in the looks/body department and a non-degreed, non-crazy woman that was an 8 ,he’d probably pick the non-degreed woman and not feel like he was settling. We as women need to make sure the things we are bringing to the table are the things that men value, if we want to get married.
Explains a lot of the homlier chicks that are married (i think we were talking about this a few posts ago…) they may not be fine, but they got to the heart of what was important to their man of choice and provided it.
“If a man had a choice between a degreed woman who was a bit crazy and a 6 in the looks/body department and a non-degreed, non-crazy woman that was an 8 ,he’d probably pick the non-degreed woman and not feel like he was settling.”
Like I’ve said before, my younger brother who has a B.S. in mechanical engineering married a high school drop out. She’s pretty, has a good shape, and birthed him 3 adorable children and they are as happy as two young married people with three children, a mortgage, 2 cars, and jobs can be. (that would be mildly happy…)
Meanwhile the rest of the chicks are walking around wearing their degrees on their sleeve. They are advertising things to men that men don’t care as much about. Men want support and stuff. Women want stability. You can’t advertise that you’re a stable woman and ignore how you’re supportive and all that other stuff men want. And even if they get with the chick with the thick business cards, best believe when they get married, he’s going to expect her to be a wife and mother first and that work stuff should come way down the list–especially if he has more than two nickles to rub together.
“best believe when they get married, he’s going to expect her to be a wife and mother first and that work stuff should come way down the list–especially if he has more than two nickles to rub together.”
reason #423 why marriage ain’t in my future.
I have to say, you three ladies (Hostess, ForReal & IH) have hit the bullseye with your assessments.
“If a man had a choice between a degreed woman who was a bit crazy and a 6 in the looks/body department and a non-degreed, non-crazy woman that was an 8 ,he’d probably pick the non-degreed woman”
probably??? ha!!
if by “probably” you mean “quicker than a crackheads heartbeat”, then yeah, lol, i guess “probably” fits.
“quicker than a crackheads heartbeat”
ROTFL okay…that saying is definitely getting worked into my life!!
Man, that shit is faster than the drum track for The Ramone’s “Blitzkrieg Pop” on Rock Band…which i TOTALLY flubbed on the Easy level.
I suck. But Rock Band rules!
EVERYBODY WANTS FREE!!!!! <—-one of my bands
I love Rock Band! The only songs i am good at are Wanted and Blackhole Sun. I am mean on the drums, my hands are just too big for the damn guitar.
@BigBuck: Man, I just played it for the first time yesterday, my drum game needs major work. Hell, my guitar game does too. Fuck it, I suck.
Hmm…”F*ck it, I s*ck” – a tshirt for our babytees line.
“Now, dealing with the other issue of the lack of available men, humh. I don’t buy it. The SAT (sad ass truth nobody wants to deal with) is that a lot of women who are 5’s (dumb, fat, kids, crazy, etc.), but were 7’s when they were under 28, still think they can get men who are at least 7’s. All the men who have ‘arrived’ (gone from 5’s to higher), avoided having stray kids, got degrees, homes, businesses, etc, they want women who are 8’s, at the least. I believe this is why I know a lot of men of all races who have ‘arrived’ but say they can’t find women. There are but so many 8+ women over 28 who aren’t crazy. By my math, in a place like the DC area, there are only 130 of these women. Yet, there are 160 men who are 7’s and above who want the 130 women and do not want the other 275 women who are 7-’s. Then if we add race into it, the numbers get ever clearer. ”
ok. for whatever reason, this comment was, ummm, arousing. yikes
i think i need to get some more breakfast.
“ok. for whatever reason, this comment was, ummm, arousing. yikes”
i found it stimulating as well.
hostess should host a cocktail party
Math is secksy.
Sew iz speling.
Spellin’ ain’t secksy. Neither iz compleet s’ntensiz.
LAMAO~y’all are killing me today
IDIOTS….I love ya’ll…I got tears in my eyes cuz I knew exactly wha the ish the first time I read it…damn…
fools, the lot of you. LMBAO!
you guys just got me kicked out of the computer lab at school again…damn, i can’t read vsb anywhere on campus, damn! you guys are laugh out loud funny all day every day (except for june 25th & 26th, hee hee)
“compleet s’ntensiz.”
why did it take me like 2 hours to finally get this?
Probly kuz u no how too reed gud.
If you read this entire exchange in a breathy voice its even funnier… I’m cracking myself up over here
“a lot of women who are 5’s (dumb, fat, kids, crazy, etc.), but were 7’s when they were under 28, still think they can get men who are at least 7’s. All the men who have ‘arrived’ (gone from 5’s to higher), avoided having stray kids, got degrees, homes, businesses, etc, they want women who are 8’s, at the least. I believe this is why I know a lot of men of all races who have ‘arrived’ but say they can’t find women. There are but so many 8+ women over 28 who aren’t crazy. By my math, in a place like the DC area, there are only 130 of these women. Yet, there are 160 men who are 7’s and above who want the 130 women and do not want the other 275 women who are 7-’s. Then if we add race into it, the numbers get ever clearer.
That might be confusing. Bottom line, all these single women are NOT women the single men want. All these single men aren’t the one’s the most sought after women want.”
Look at you up in this post dropping science. Everything you’re saying here is dead on. I hate to sound like this, but you’re one of teh few women I know who will ever acknowledge that not all, or even most, or even many, of these single women past 28 are super catches.
Right but when will men acknowledge that not every woman wants them?? When will they stop believing their won hype. Sure, men have options but so do women who have made it to 30 and still get carded, don’t have a bunch of kids, and have no visible signs of crazy. And if she’s willing to date non-Black men, the whole freaking world is open to her.
“Right but when will men acknowledge that not every woman wants them?? When will they stop believing their won hype.”
I’d say most men are painfully aware that most women *don’t* want them from about the time they hit 15 years old on. The types of dudes that believe their own hype on that tend to be dudes who’ve been ho-ish/true whores in the past and often reflect on their glory days and that amazing senior week they had back in ’98. The guys you’re referring to earlier never really had that kind of “glory.”
It’s not even really about guys thinking they’re the bomb, it’s just they figure that the women they want are finally somewhat within their reach and they don’t want to give up since they’ve come so far. That’s just being resolute.
@Scipio. I totally agree. Most men who were “nothing” for majority of their life are milking the new attention and refusing to settle down. That booger boy, fat boy, stinky boy, nerdy boy, lame boy has now “arrived” and trying to make up for lost times.
@Scipio: As a mid-30′s chick, I have admit to being a tad offended at the latter part of your statement. So basically any single chick past the age of 28 should be labelled as damaged goods and her expiration date has passed. WTF????????
I have a line sister that just got married in March and she’s 34. What’s to be said about her? She just got loucky???
Depends on whether or not she was single by choice or not. I suppose I didn’t mention that at first, so that’s on me. I know some really appealing women who are single past that age, but they have a long line of dudes hoping they have a shot with her. Those women are in control adn in the drivers seat. I wasn’t talking about them.
cool…(wiping brow of nervous sweat) I am 28 and I was starting to get nervous…lol…I have men that are interested in gettting to know me…but for real, for real…
“the attention I’m getting , I don’t want…and the attention I want, I’m not getting”
I am single on purpose, but sometimes it almost feels like I’m single by default…
“the attention I’m getting , I don’t want…and the attention I want, I’m not getting”
I’ve always thought that pretty much sums up dating.
I think it’s also the basis of the frustrations of the past posts. I’ve visited this site before and only recently started lurking again. I remember now why I had to quit – I seriously cannot afford to ignore the job right now. Sigh.
@Hostess. I agree. If men and women would seek suitors on their level, there would not be a shortage.
Hostes writes: “…Then if we add race into it, the numbers get ever clearer. That might be confusing. Bottom line, all these single women are NOT women the single men want. All these single men aren’t the one’s the most sought after women want.
and do keep in mind:
black men are more accepting, tolerant and oblivious to interracial dating versus black women because it is the one of the very, very FEW areas that is skewed in favor of the black male. [the dating pool]
“black men are more accepting, tolerant and oblivious to interracial dating versus black women because it is the one of the very, very FEW areas that is skewed in favor of the black male. [the dating pool]”
interesting point
The women I generally see griping about a shortage of “good” men aren’t women who would qualify under “good” woman (this is IRL-speaking not internettingly-speaking).
I think people expect it to be easy. Meet man, fall in love, get married, have babies live happily ever after. Then if this hasn’t happened by whatever age they set that it should happen at, well then there are just a lack of good men.
I still say it’s the other way around. I’m a 29 year old black dude, gainfully employed, no kids, (killer CD collection), blah blah blah, and 95% of the appealing black women I know have been boo’d up since their mid-20′s (serious relationships, engaged, married), or earlier. I don’t see too many dope black women who are unhappily unattached.
Most of the black women I’ve known to compalin about the lack of quality dudes weren’t quality women themselves. Quality women are usually in the driver’s seat and don’t settle for guys they don’t want.
“(killer CD collection)” LOL~when did this get into the top five?
1. Not married (check)
2. Not Gay (check)
3. Gainfully employed (check)
4. No kids (check)
5. Killer CD COLLECTION (Oh hell yes, he’s a keeper)
Women of style, grace, class and culture (c) Semi, will peep such a thing and be impressed.
Don’t get me wrong I love a brother with a great CD collection, lit collection, art collection, sword collection, I just didn’t realize that CD collection was in the top 5.
I LOVE ALEXANDER O’NEAL~ I was listening to the cassette in my car the other day. YES I said cassette and car. WHAT!
You got a cassette player in ur car???? I got laughed at when I went into BestBuy and asked for a VCR.
yup and a cd and ipod… thats what happens when your brother (a mechanical engineer, that worked as an installation specialist at circuit city/best buy/ soundFX all through college) gets a hold of your car while you are on vacation
speaking of Alexander O’Neal did you know he was the first lead singer for The Time. (one of my favorite old school groups) …and what about Sherelle. that music warms my hard. dam, it was just another time and space ya know.
@IH. CDs are not in the top 5, but average to good credit is.
see that is what I am talking about… I am not looking all through your CD collection first, but I need to know that you aint married, may/may not have children, are straight without gay tendencies, have legal employment, don’t have warrants, good credit… etc. all of this before I now you have a bomb a$$ CD collection.
Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with him here. Throw in a decent book collection and the drawz.stay.dropping.
Shit, chick sees you own Portishead, Marvin Gaye, and the greatest group of all time, Intro, they’re good as nude.
Intro? IF YOU LET ME…Too bad I threw away all my tapes when I moved. I had their TAPE!
damn you Panama… that would be along the Prince DAMN U!
i like how you talk
“Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with him here. Throw in a decent book collection and the drawz.stay.dropping.”
***my cousin dave***
(my cousin dave is a preacher, btw)
Wow, and I thought I was one of the only brothas that keeps Intro on Ipod rotation.
mid 90′s R&B…classic.
Hell, I still listen to Alexander O’Neal.
I LOVE ALEXANDER O’NEAL~ I was listening to the cassette in my car the other day. YES I said cassette and car. WHAT!
@ HEDO…
I have to admit…when I read, “a killer CD collection” I smiled…isn’t in the top 5, but it’s definitely icing on the cake! the music you listen to influences your flavor…flavor is VERY important, no?
@Good…
In total agreement it is icing on the cake the same way that you…
get home tired, you sprawl on the couch to watch the news he comes over and lifts up your legs sits beneath them and starts to rub your feet.
Not in the top 5 but when you discover it your like DAMN! this is Butter Cream icing on yellow layer cake or Smooth Cream Cheese icing on Carrot Cake (I’m hungry)
@ HEDO right…lol…but ix-nay on the oot-fay ub-ray, for me…I have already admitted that I wear cute shoes because I have un-cute feet…I just need a man to love me head to ankle! LMAO… BUT he can make me a cocktail and rub something else for mama!
@ Good sorry about the feets… I just enjoy being rubbed anywhere… RUB AWAY!!!! wooo
@scipio africanus (LOVE the name BTW)
“I don’t see too many dope black women who are unhappily unattached. ”
(raising hand) I understand your point…it’s real…but narrow…for example (pointing to self) I am not “unhappily unattached”…but that is because I am a happy woman in general…and we all know it doesn’t take much to make a happy woman, happy…but I digress…I have been “single” (as in the absence of a “committed relastionship”) since April 2007, and I have, more accurately, learned to become content with my perpetual state of casual dating…repeating the “getting to know you” process until one of us decides that we don’t like (and can’t build with) what we’ve gotten to know… (shrugging) the reality is…if I could “go to sleep in Paris and wake up in Tokyo” I would jump at the opportunity, but men aren’t just handing out (or being approved for) passports all willy nilly and I don’t want to fly in a puddle jumping bi-plane…I need (at least) a commercial flight…(sigh) “so here I sit…straddling this fence…guarding with quiet defense until my feelings make sense…” because I have yet to meet a man that can see an “orange moon” in the daytime…I have been told I’m so simple. I’m complex…(sigh, again) so…not unhappy…but increasingly complacent…and becoming comfortable with the fact that you have to crack a few eggs to get an omellette…(which is in the mail, courtesy of VSB)
Lupe Fiasco reference. 10 points (though I actually don’t really like Lupe Fiasco – I just feel like handing out points)
yeah, me thinks goodeness has earned her out of the corner
thanks, luv… (stretching) it’s good to be free!
@P-NIMMEE…since you are one of my favorite future e-ex husbands…I will overlook such lyrical blasphemy…but I am watching you…(blends into the shadows like “Fox” from “Wanted”)
Well slap me silly and call me Rockwell.
Rockwell, dam. Hall and Oates on yall ass suh sez.
and you didn’t even thank her for being a VSB ambassador.
@Goodness. Thanks for saying it first and giving a “single” point of view. I was single for almost 5 years and was extremely happy but incomplete. I am now complete because I am with and have found the man I plan on sharing the rest of my life with. Grant it we are not married or engaged but we both cannot live without each other at this point.
I don’t think there’s a shortage of eligible men. It might be because I work in a technical field and am surrounded by men, but I know many single men who are looking to get married. Many of them complain that women are not interested in them because they’re too nice. I even try to introduce them to my girls, but they’re not interested because they’re more interested in guys who have more edge to them. I will agree that short guys have it rough because most women have a minimum height requirement.
As for the second part, yes I agree that most women who get married young do make it a priority. One of my closest friends got married at 22 and she wanted to settle down since she was 18. she would break up with guys within a few months if that wasn’t where they were headed and made it clear from the beginning that she wanted to get married. She dated the guy that she’s married to now after dating for about 8 months and they just celebrated their 8 year anniversary last week…..For most women, they’re focused on careers and other priorities at a young age. Personally, I focused on work, getting my masters, and building my career.
“I know many single men who are looking to get married”
sounds like you might have a side hustle on your hands…where exactly do you want me to send my check so you can start the love connection?
I think we have to step WAY back and talk about how gender dynamics and marriage as an economic institution designed to disempower women sets up a dynamic that allows for said Slate perception to occur. Outside of the numbers game to which Slate refers (and I don’t quibble with it either), the perception that “all the good men” are gone also rests on the belief that women have which tells them they “need” to be married. That perception has a lot to do with women seeing that men aren’t always checkin for a wife…because they don’t have to. There is no stigma for men to be lifelong bachelors, but there is a perception that there is something wrong with an unmarried woman over 30. Again…socialization making it harder for women.
What strikes me as the most useful critique for both genders is to really interrogate what distinguishes a loving relationship from a marriage. Meaning, if you meet a “good man” who’s only fault is he doesn’t want to be married, how do you respond? Often, there is an assumption that repudiation of societal mores and norms is all about hedonism. Further, not wanting to be married isn’t automatically a sign that a man can’t be faithful or doesn’t want to be faithful. And vice versa. Women have to understand that to make marriage the end goal without a serious acknowledgement and interrogation of how that conventional desire places them at an inherent disadvantage is in and of itself a sexist move. You don’t have to be married anymore than a man does, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find love or companionship in some other iteration.
Women outnumber men. But women are socialized to see marriage as the end goal. When you mix those two things together you get women who think all the good men are gone because, yes, there aren’t that many to begin with and men don’t “have” to be married the way that women are socialized to believe they are.
I think also that the class dimensions implicit in this euphemism “good men” is something that women do not interrogate enough. I think there is a very big difference between what a “good man” is and what “good men” most women are looking for is.
I don’t see how marriage is (was) designed to disempower women. It was a defense mechanism for both men and women against starvation and dying off, mostly. In the post WWII era conditions in the West moved away from the type of existnce that made this mechanism necessary *for both sexes* , so marriage has declined.
And it’s certainly not true that men suffer no stigma from being lifelong bachelors. It’s even been mentioned in this post that a 40 year old, never been married, no kids having man will get the people’s eyebrow, as often as not.
“It was a defense mechanism for both men and women against starvation and dying off, mostly. In the post WWII era conditions in the West moved away from the type of existnce that made this mechanism necessary *for both sexes* , so marriage has declined.”
damn. there are some really, for lack of a better term, “smart” comments here today.
verysmartbrothas.com: where you find very smart brothas
@The Champ. Yeah, former AP students and TAG (Talented and Gifted) students have officially tuned in to VSP. As a former average student, I now have to keep my dictionary next to me and keep a google tab open to follow some of the theories and conversations on vsb (bowing head in shame).
just one example: u.s. law until about the early 1900s said that whatever property a woman owned went to her husband upon marriage. if he then divorced her, she was left destitute — hence laws for alimony.
heck, it was hard for a married women to get credit cards in her own name until the 1970s, even if she had a job.
but seriously, for a good part of human history, marriage has been about men creating wealth and heirs. women *had* to get married because they legally or by custom could not work.
“just one example: u.s. law until about the early 1900s said that whatever property a woman owned went to her husband upon marriage. if he then divorced her, she was left destitute — hence laws for alimony.
heck, it was hard for a married women to get credit cards in her own name until the 1970s, even if she had a job.
but seriously, for a good part of human history, marriage has been about men creating wealth and heirs. women *had* to get married because they legally or by custom could not work.”
A few things. Those are examples of how marriage and money were regulated here in the US. In some cultures that are matriarchal that type of thing goes the opposite way. I was making a broader statement about marriage throughout the world and throughout time.
As far as men creating wealth and heirs, yes and no. I’d say marriage was about:
Men – having a live-in housekeeper, sexual partner, babymaker, *so that he won’t shrivel up an die, seeing as he has to live off the land and needs children to work it with him* (remember, this is pre-WWII.) It wasn’t about creating wealth – the vast majority of married men have never been wealthy and probably never expected to be. But back in the day you couldn’t go get an office 9-5, like now.
Women – Having a protector/provider. Women did not have equal rights to very much. This part is kind of obvious.
So I’d say it’s not that marriage was designed to disempower women, but that women were disempowered anyway, and marriage did little to ameliorate that condition.
Marriage as the custom we know it did not really exist anywhere but in Europe and parts of Asia. Our popular understanding of marriage derives from that. Other customs are relevant only if you are making the point that there is are other ways to bond. But American marriage is derived from a system designed to subjugate women.
I’ve mentioned in other realies that I am, in fact, talking about what you’d call bonds in other places ththroughout time. Actually using the word marriage as a sticking point drift close to just being semantics.
But the thing about what you’re saying is that marriage actually constricts the base impulses many men have – the desire to not be tied down sexually. Like I said somewhere else, marriage simply was a road by which patriarchal society showed evidence of its power. Marriage *itself* is not oppresive on women and was not designed to be that way.
Scipio
I think you’re somewhat right re: semantics. I think some people such as yourself use the term “marriage” because it’s easier but mean something different that the popular understanding of the word. I get how that is confusing.
My point was to say that our understanding as a culture of what “marriage” is is rooted in a tradition of disempowering women. Not all official bonds between genders are marriage and therefore are not all designed to subjugate women…but marriage in its most universal understandign in Western culture was. It wasn’t solely designed to do this, but it was a central function of the contract. That was my only point.
I never meant to say that one couldn’t have a “marriage” (however defined) that does not subjugate women, but to say that without a critical understanding of why a woman (or a man) wants what he wants, he/she may inadvertently uphold gender biases that subjugate. That is all.
in Latin American cultures to this day the woman keeps her maiden name and adds her husbands last name with a prefix suggesting that she is now his property, and its actually becoming more popular in the US for educated latinas.
example: Melissa Jones marries Micheal Smith
new name, Melissa Jones de Smith
Marriage, as we know it, is an economic institution designed to keep the flow of money moving. I’m not talking about other relationship pacts, but the Western institution of marriage (which is the primary source for our contemporary understanding of marriage) was all about subjugating women. Men were not going to leave property and money to women (that it happened on occassion is the exception that proves the rule) so that money and property went with the women to her husband. That’s what I mean by disempowering women. If it weren’t the case then there would have been no dowry and the eldest born daughter would have been able to go on about her business with daddy (or to further prove the point, mommy’s) livestock and acres.
Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but you’re saying the dowry came into existence because daddy wouldn’t just give his money to his daughter? The dowry concept was that the new groom needed to indemnify the father who was about to lose a good healthy worker from his household. Daddy got the money, not her.
I meant to say “daddy got the money, not the new husband.”
Yes, what I mean is that it’s about a man’s money. And that women are, in effect, the property of their father’s until they become the property of their husband’s.
depends on the society. in some places, the new husband gets paid. in others, the bride’s family gets paid. i believe a “dowry” is specifically a payment to a groom (the other payment being a ‘bride price’)
“women are socialized to see marriage as the end goal. ” stop….right…there…THAT is the real issue…a lot of women I know, make marriage the “end goal”…when it’s just the beginning…
I am single (as in living in the absence of sustainable romantic companionship) but I don’t believe you have to be “married” to have a genuine romantic connection that is successful, fulfilling, nourishing, and affectionate…but I ain’t got that ish either…(shrugging)
damn! gwon Tyler…type that good ish!
dam…….. check out the big brain on Tyler!
Tyler i’m not sure i buy that marriage was designed to disempower women but marriage is certainly a business.
i also believe that marriage is more about pro-creation at the end of the night than love, harlequin romance etc. etc.
Genius Khan said
dam…….. check out the big brain on Tyler!
not mad at the pulp fiction refernce.
yeah Nut, Pulp is my favorite movie. the most mind boggling shit i have ever seen in my life. it was a visceral experience. it’s hard to keep my attention or impress me if ur a movie but this one did it’s thing thing.
“Women outnumber men. But women are socialized to see marriage as the end goal. When you mix those two things together you get women who think all the good men are gone because, yes, there aren’t that many to begin with and men don’t “have” to be married the way that women are socialized to believe they are. ”
good point.
disempower….love this word.
I will use this frequently for no reason the rest of the day. I’m going to disempower every bastard in my office till qutting time. I disempowered an intern while I was typing this
heh, heh, heh….
Part One:
I can’t say with any real certainty that there’s a shortage of available men, it’s just that the men I’ve met aren’t available (which translates in my head sometimes as there AREN’T ANY available men, crazy riiiiight?). …i have however been told that the reason I’m single is because of a litany of reasons that are apparently MY fault:
1) I’m not open to meeting men online (sorry, i don’t have the balls)
2) Although I don’t go ‘clubbing’ and bar hopping regularly, you can’t find a man in a bar or a club.
3) I’m too shy and too serious, wear glasses and read books. oh yeh, and too articulate.
4) I should try to meet guys at places/events that I enjoy (hmmm…when is the last time you picked up a guy in a bookstore/library/comedy show/volunteer activity?)
6) I don’t dress provocatively enough
7) I lean towards self-deprecating humor (ok, maybe this is bad)
7) I live in Los Angeles (that one is sort of joke, sort of)
My point is that my priority has always been to work on me FIRST. Don’t I have to bring something to the marriage altar too? (like self-esteem, resolved childhood issues, an education, a career, more recipes, happy with being me?)
As for #4 – it’s hard picking up girls at a bookstore/library. Unless they’re working there. I think I’ll be spending a bit more time at the Carnegie library this summer. . .but I digress.
If you ask a girl at a club or bar, who says she “doesn’t meet guys there”, well, where DO you meet guys? She has no answer for you.
First Miss P, were you just listening in on a phone convo I had not 15 minutes ago? J/K
1) As for online dating, I’ve done some research and if you’re a Black women, you’ll get more shine from white men. Maybe it’s because there are more of them on there. So if you do online dating, be prepared to get cyber hit on by men of all races–many NOT Black.
2) I know ppl who met their spouse at clubs. One dude always tells a story of how he bought the right girl a drink. Plus, there are less than 6 degrees of seperation so anyone you meet, you’ll know someone who knows them. I prefer lounges cus I’m old and need to sit down.
3) OMG, I just told my LS how I hardly ever mention, as an opener, how many degrees I have or anything like that. I’ve done some experimenting and things stay a lot more relaxed when I avoid talking too much about my education because my areas of study make people nervous.
4) Don’t sleep. Is there a Whole Foods near you? Or a Target? Men are starting to treat Target like it’s a club.
5) My girl’s granny once told us to take our skirts off because she was gonna shorten them before we went out. Then she asked how we expected to get men if we’re wearing lots of clothes. Her grand daughter (my girl) got married when she was 26. So there might be some truth to slutting it up a bit–but not at a volunteer event.
Humh. I’m rambling.
note to self: whole foods and target spree this weekend. (even though i can’t recall seeing brothas at either of these establishments…) lol!
2nd note to self: learn to sew…and hem.
believe it or not i have invited and taken women out on dates to Wal Mart, Publix etc. i tellem to meet me on isle 17. serious shit. they love it. gon girl pass me that soy milk. i’ve been kissed on the isle with the cleaning products and felt up in lawn and garden. please believe me.
“5) My girl’s granny once told us to take our skirts off because she was gonna shorten them before we went out. Then she asked how we expected to get men if we’re wearing lots of clothes. Her grand daughter (my girl) got married when she was 26. So there might be some truth to slutting it up a bit–but not at a volunteer event.”
There is a saying in spanish that I grew up with,
“si no se mira no se vende”
translation
“if they can’t see it then you can’t sell it”
…and #8… to why Miss Patterson is still single…she can’t count in sequential order. I woke up at 5am, sue me. LOL
“…and #8… to why Miss Patterson is still single…she can’t count in sequential order. I woke up at 5am, sue me. LOL”
this made me choke on my chili dog and grapes.
it made me spit out my apple&eve orange juice which claims to be 100 percent juice with no sugars added.
“4) I should try to meet guys at places/events that I enjoy (hmmm…when is the last time you picked up a guy in a bookstore/library/comedy show/volunteer activity?)”
yeah . . . i tend to go places where the only dudes there are on dates or with each other.
“yeah . . . i tend to go places where the only dudes there are on dates or with each other.”
*still choking*
*does the heimlich*
well i tend towards plays, art museums, wine tastings/wine bars, and concerts. with the possible exception of hip-hop shows, all of those events are things that straight men don’t attend unless they’re trying to impress a broad.
(and i’m over the club scene because i hate having to dress up and wear painful shoes if all i’ma do is dance and sweat.)
That works both ways too. I like going to wine tastings/bars, but unfortunately most women I know idea of wine tasting is going to rite-aid and grabbing the box of Franzia thats like five liters for ten dollars.
rite aid has wine?? damn!!! bumpkin much?
“and i’m over the club scene because i hate having to dress up and wear painful shoes if all i’ma do is dance and sweat”
oh LAWD! honey shoes should never be painful…
LOL @ Franzia
Tiffany whines: “…all of those events are things that straight men don’t attend unless they’re trying to impress a broad.”
i go to the art museum bout 1nce per month depending on what’s there, wine tastings not so much and believe it or not i hit the symphony orchestra up 3, 4 times a year.
now very seldom do i make public appearances but i went 1nce to the orchestra to do some research and found it refreshing. i took this lil undergrad, she got all dressed up in a nice red dress. i wore jeans and a nice sport jacket. drinks at intermission. the white people were like: “look Gretchen, me thinks that’s Jay Z.” i was killing me. good time Tiff good time. that girl was soooo hooottt by the time we left the building. good night Tiff gooooooood night.
I’ve always taken issue with women who go to clubs saying they refuse to date people they met at a club.
This makes no sense to me. For one, if you’re happy ass is there, who’s to say that other likeminded individuals aren’t? I’ve met plenty of chicks at clubs and we’ve had meaningful one-night stands that left everybody feeling better about the future of the world.
Exactly. And the stupid thing is that those same people could meet at a mutual friend’s bar-b-cue, get together, fight night, etc., and he’ll have a much better shot with her there. For women, circumstances seem to be extremely important. The actual guy in question is almost irrelevant to how she views him at any given time and place (which leads me to believe that women barely really even “like” men in the first place, just the idea of men and what a man is supposed to be.)
“(which leads me to believe that women barely really even “like” men in the first place, just the idea of men and what a man is supposed to be.)”
hmmm. i smell a potential future entry.
that’s a REALLY hot potential future entry. I may swagger jack that joint next week. *kisses*
well did she say she won’t date men she meets there, or that it’s hard to meet men there?
i can’t meet dudes at the club either. too much competition, noise, and distractions. by the time i get inside, i’ve got an attitude because i had to wait outside for 30 min in 3″ heels and my feet hurt and there ain’t no place to sit cuz shaquita an’nem done claimed the two sofas that ain’t in VIP and folks are standing 4 deep at the bar so i can’t get my patron on and damnit did i mention my feet hurt?
LMAO!
That’s the truth, right there.
You need to meet some bouncers and club managers. Life is so much different as part of the “in crowd”.
WORD LIFE!!! I love being a medium fish in the small pond. I dont wait in line and get in fo’ free and so do my friends….BOUNCERS AND CLUB MANAGERS are you FRIENDS
Church! Always remember though, club hook-ups are rarely truly free. As a bouncer I can tell you that unless we were already friends before, and you try to make friends with me at the club, you are probably not about to get any special treatment unless I am interested in you. And by interested in you I mean sexually. And by sexually I mean intercourse. And by Intercourse I mean I’ll fix your pipes. And by pipes I mean that thing between your thighs. And by that thing between your thighs i mean……well that is self explanatory. <—-Shout out to Family Guy!
But seriously you should be careful when choosing to become a club groupie. Carefully weigh the value of your panties against the $20 and 30 minute wait. If the bouncer or manager you are considering is as sexy as me, or as sexxy as Panama likes to say, I can understand why you would value the free admission over your panties. but if he looks like one of the Herculoids…..don’t do it! Not everyone who works at the club is good looking or even worth a damn. We talked about the club employee goggles before. Don’t be fooled.
For the rest of you…..keep doing what you’re doing! You make my side job so enjoyable!
FamilyGuy rocks my socks. I’m a fan of you just for that.
“But seriously you should be careful when choosing to become a club groupie. Carefully weigh the value of your panties against the $20 and 30 minute wait.”
you know, i think this was on the original list that perished in the great warthog related fire of 1913
see here for reference:
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/about-vsb/
it’s a moot point since i stopped going to clubs. shoot, i can get my drink and my two-step on at the crib w/no cover, no parking fee, no dress code, no funky attitudes, and no lines for the bathroom. and if my feet hurt, i don’t have to wait for shaniqua an’nem to leave before i can sit down.
I was saying that other people (mostly women) say that I’m single because i go to bars, expecting to have ‘stimulating conversation’ with ‘available men’. and for the record i can’t remember the last time i went to a bbq that didn’t involve co-workers. sad isn’t it…
“we’ve had meaningful one-night stands that left everybody feeling better about the future of the world.”
I love this…
“I’ve met plenty of chicks at clubs and we’ve had meaningful one-night stands that left everybody feeling better about the future of the world.”
LMAO!!! but seriously, my point exactly you got a one-night stand out of the club scene…i’m talking about really getting to know someone. In any event, this is where people tell me not to go…i still go, but I can assure you i’ve never met anyone at a club/bar whose agenda was to get to know me. just my personal experience. ya feel me?
well…I go to the club just to shake my @$$…it’s not a mating ritual…me and my girls go out to clown, dance and drink some more…I am on the dance floor from entry to exit (with the exception of the occasional beverage break)…but I don’t get rhythm in the club…and if I did…I might holla back, but he would have to be cute… and have something better to say than…”damn mama…I bet you f*ck even better than you dance!”…ya dig??
“”damn mama…I bet you f*ck even better than you dance!”…ya dig??”
this line works, btw, but only if you’re rocking butter tims
@Champ. I will be checking my mail this week because you owe me for the pick up line
I agree with your assessments. I’m a girl who embraces her inner nerd, and wants a guy isn’t afraid to flaunt his. Unfortunately, I never seem to run into them…even at the bookstore/museum/sci-fi events etc.
That’s it. Maybe I really should pull together a happy hour of single folks in the D/M/V. I need to establish a LLC for tax purposes. Maybe I’ll start a match making company.
Don’t they already have one called, “First Fridays”? Isn’t that where all the old single people come to be old, single, and cougaresque together?
They also reflect off of one another since this crowd likes rhinestones.
you are so wrong for that.
As a self appointed cougar myself I would get offended but I don’t do First Friday’s, too many old people. And I don’t do shiny or glittery either
You know, I haven’t been in a minute and the last one I went to was at your spot. I remember having a detailed discussion with some folks about how it is that the people were older than me in 2001 and are STILL older than me. Plus, those folks aren’t single…AND, get it right, it’s BEDAZZLED! Nobody weare rhinestones. Those items are BEDAZZLED. There is a spot or two where all the top choice people over 28 go. And they’ve yet to hold a FF at those locations.
Hey, wait. I’m not a cougar. I don’t like younger men. Hell I’m not too fond of the one’s my age. I aim for 5-9 year older than me.
“There is a spot or two where all the top choice people over 28 go. And they’ve yet to hold a FF at those locations.”
You naming names? I always feel like there are places to go out that could be better and i just don’t know about them. And how far over 28 are we talking?
oh god! i hate first fridays in the atl. so whack. but first saturdays in nyc isn’t bad…if you have a man. i kid, i kid.
shuddup…rhinestones are your friend…in moderation!
‘They also reflect off of one another since this crowd likes rhinestones.”
this made me choke on my water.
I met one of my first ahem, “night callers” in the public library, and I also met my first serious boyfriend in the campus library. Our first date was to Barnes and Nobels. It can be done…
‘I met one of my first ahem, “night callers” in the public library, and I also met my first serious boyfriend in the campus library. Our first date was to Barnes and Nobels. It can be done…’
you’re right. i met my ex-fiancee in the library, so it’s not impossible
Part Two:
Marriage is all about compromise, right? You can’t wake up one day and say ‘baby, i want to travel the world without you and the kids’. or ‘honey, i know you hate bald women but i want to do something crazy with my hair’ or ‘sweetie, i never had a lease in my own name, can i move out?’ My surrogate mothers/aunts have all told me to fulfill all of my personal desires FIRST, so that when the time is RIGHT to say ‘i do’, i don’t feel like i’ve sacrificed my personal interests (i.e. resentment towards the husband & kids)
My only concern with the ‘do you’ philosophy is that with all of the media plugs, family opinions, and defeatist inner monologue that I will have ‘run out of time’. Hence, I’ve put my biological clock on snooze….I’m not going to settle just because I want to pop out a couple…plus grandma had kids until her late 30′s (smile).
~The End~
as a woman in her late 30′s I am starting to come to terms that I will not bare my own children (cause really who wants to be in her 40′s running after a toddler, not me) That is not to say that if the right man came along and married me that I wouldn’t have children now or five years from now and that would be a hell of a compromise.
What is interesting to me about people who say “marriage is compromise” is that it presupposes that you give up your individuality to get married. No one ever says that a relationship (which is not always a marriage) is a compromise in the sense of two individuals overlapping. For me a relationship is a venn diagram — to separate entities that overlap at certain points. The relationship is not just the overlap, its also the non-overlapping parts. The diagram only makes sense when you understand both sections.
For me, this makes relationships (in my mind) much more healthy and easier to conduct. In practice, it is harder because most people are only thinking about the overlapping sections.
“For me a relationship is a venn diagram”, what a perfect explanation.
I think that as women we are indoctrinated that you sacrifice yourself for your marriage, and family. Either by our martyr mother’s or Disney (Disney is the root to all relationship evil). It takes a lot of unlearning like trying to get out of a cult.
YES – I hate Disney too
I thought I was the only one…the most femiphobic filth I’ve ever witnessed.
I’m actually a huge Disney fan.
Viva la Mickey!
Tyler, I agree with you on this point on non-overlapping, but the individuality I’m speaking of are those things that would be considered ‘selfish’ to pursue in a marriage. You can’t be all about you when you’re a wife and a mother. I know a couple of women who have done this and their marriages are over now. ex) Wife/Mommy still wants to club it up & shop excessively and drain her family’s bank account…
I guess my point is that I don’t think that wanting time to one’s self is inherently selfish. I agree that priorities should shift, but i don’t subscribe to the notion that this shift should be dropping all sense of oneself. The things you mention (clubbing and shopping) are not necessarily healthy when one is single so the issue isn’t selfishness so much as consumeristic waste.
My point is to say that Mommy’s need mommy time and daddy’s need daddy time. The compromise is understanding that you need it and figuring out how to get it in the most healthy and productive way possible. That changes depending on the couple and the child, obviously. But blanket rules that women should be all about their husbands and child are sexist in nature and contribute to all kinds of issues in the family dynamic.
What strikes me about this string of comments is the subtle sexism of it. There seems to be an assumption that women must give up more than men. I know it may not be what folks intended to say, but this is problematic for a number of reasons.
I think one of the biggest problems we have in the family dynamic is the overvaluation, yet undervaluation of male presence. Everyone wants a man to be in the home but no one talks about what that man should do once he is there. Paying the bills in and of itself is not fathering. The popular understanding of fatherless children presupposes that having a man in the house automatically constitutes “fathering.” This is untrue.
Men are not asked to give up nearly as much when they enter a marriage and the assumption is that this fact makes healthy kids because the woman is living for the children. I don’t think that’s true.
So my point was to say that a true relationship, in my mind, is one that acknowledges the unique existence and experience and desires of the two people who constitute that relationship. I am always a bit leery of absolutes, particularly when it comes to relationships. How much you “give up” really is up to you.
Lastly, we should understand relationships to be fluid and recognize that what works in the first year of a marriage may not work in the 4th year, or the 10th and we should be willing to grow and change in that relationship.
That is easier said than done, of course..but it’s worth noting, methinks.
“Men are not asked to give up nearly as much when they enter a marriage and the assumption is that this fact makes healthy kids because the woman is living for the children.”
i’m not clear if you were either making this point yourself, or repeating what most people feel, but, if its the former, i’d hafta say i strongly disagree.
from the fact that men arent socialized to “settle down” to the factors at play within the actual interior of the house, a man typically gives up much more when entering a marriage, and is usually forced to compromise more.
i won’t go into detail with any particular examples of this other than this one: theres a reason why the “man’s room” in the house is typically confine to a little re-done corner basement closet. this may seem like a minor thing, but it’s an analogy for the entire typical marriage agreement dynamic.
I’m curious as to why you disagree. What you seem to be alluding to are coping mechanisms (women taking over the house is all about subverting sexist notions that a woman should be all about the hearth) that in no way relate to societal pressures on women to be married.
To insinuate anything else is just incorrect. There is a difference in understanding what societal pressures are and how the manifest and behavior that rises from that. Your analogy would be like saying that white flight in the 70s is an analogy for the real power dominance of black people. Just untrue, women staking claim of the home is the ultimate sexist move because its what they are “told” to do. That men may resent that little display of power and be relegated to one room is really nothing more than male primacy feelign like it should exert itself everywhere.
To be blunt and simple – your statement suggests that you feel you should dominate in the home too. Whether you intended to say this or not, that’s what you intimate with your statement. Again, one little piece of power amid all the disempowerment does not constitute in anyway some understanding of equality or fairness or even an “agreement,” as you stated here.
“To be blunt and simple – your statement suggests that you feel you should dominate in the home too. Whether you intended to say this or not, that’s what you intimate with your statement. Again, one little piece of power amid all the disempowerment does not constitute in anyway some understanding of equality or fairness or even an “agreement,” as you stated here”
i’m not arguing whether or not latent sexism exists in our culture and permeates much of what we do, or that our country’s parochial structure places inherent glass-ceilings on women in every avenue, or even that the majority of our man-made institutions were devised for the sole purpose of keeping women in check. i’m just saying that my dad is forced to go the basement when he wants to watch the playoffs, and that the inside of my parent’s house look like a giant baby ate some AKA colored cookies and threw up everywhere, and i’m sure a pink and green living room isn’t what my dad dreamed of eventually owning when growing up in new castle, pa.
thats all.
can someone point me to the Women’s Room in the house? and if someone says the kitchen, Im starting by throwing chairs
” can someone point me to the Women’s Room in the house? and if someone says the kitchen, Im starting by throwing chairs”
Too easy drill sergeant, too easy!
i’m still laughing over the image of a giant AKA baby that threw up everywhere… that image reminded of this guy i dated whose mother took over most of the common areas with her doll collection. it was just a wee bit scary…
And my point is your example is no way equates with the existence of women relative to men. Raising that example at all trivializes all that women endure in a sexist world. I don’t disagree that what your father experienced isn’t what he signed up for, but it’s kinda beside the point that I was making.
“from the fact that men arent socialized to “settle down” to the factors at play within the actual interior of the house, a man typically gives up much more when entering a marriage, and is usually forced to compromise more.”
i think this should be a topic. i think Champ and Tyler’s debate depends a lot on which generation we’re talking about. my mother’s generation (and those prior) were socialized to settle down, while men were not. My generation of women on the other hand, were socialized in a sort of a schizo fashion. We were taught ‘I am woman hear me roar!’ (you don’t need a man to xy & z) and at the same time reminded by the sexist media & older family relatives that a woman should be settled down by a certain age. So, if we’re talking about someone like me- a young woman who attended several feminist/womanist all girl schools and was pumped with ideas of climbing the corporate ladder, pursuing advanced degrees, traveling the world and avoiding the betty crocker role at all costs than yes, i do feel like there’s as much if not more compromise when getting married as men might experience.
“people who say “marriage is compromise” is that it presupposes that you give up your individuality to get married. No one ever says that a relationship (which is not always a marriage) is a compromise in the sense of two individuals overlapping. ”
so true…I have a few friends (and relatives) that got married for the wedding (not the MARRIAGE) and to be able to preface every fuggin statement with “my husband”…but they didn’t even like the dude before they got married…like the rings are magic or something…I mean…a marriage doesn’t increase/change the level of commitment/communication/compromise necessary to sustain the dynamic…just the legal red tape to get out of it…serious relationships are mini-marriages…don’t sleep on it!
I married a man that I wasn’t “in love” with, but I was ambushed…but I am happily divorced now (4yrs)…(another blog for another day…excuse my tanget) so I can relate to the line in the sand many folks draw between pre/post marriage dynamics…and I call BULLSH!T
“my homey strict told me, dude finish your breakfast” Jay Z
are you The Brain from Pinky and The Brain? …or, or Stewie from Family Guy? fu** is going on?
dam son, you chopping this shit up like a Kitchen-Aide
“The Brain from Pinky and The Brain? …or, or Stewie from Family Guy”
Love em all
The post and commments today are making me smile. These last couple days was like the twilight zone for me. Anyway carry on.
“The post and commments today are making me smile. These last couple days was like the twilight zone for me. Anyway carry on.”
yeah, for real. maybe the black man’s hat needs to stay on the shelf, at least until it gets cold outside
What??!??! I didn’t even get a chance to wear my Black man’s hat!
While I think is okay to not wear a black hat…i wear mines all the time because part of what I think is important for the dominant culture to see is that our culture, our ways of being, who we are, our point of view is not optional. It is not something that we should have to put away because it makes everyone else more comfortable.
I don’t disagree that taking off the hat makes what you say more accessible…I quibble with your inability (or unwillingness) to see that as conceding to a white mainstream point of view that a “black” point of view is somehow threatening, limiting, or confrontational. I think that does no one any good, particularly white folks who feel at ease when race (and by “race” i mean blackness…other races are less threatening for reasons we all understand) is put in their faces.
Frankly, they have to be confronted with it in order to deal with it.
Humor is not your forté, no?
Absolutely. But I was addressing the larger implication of the metaphor.
ummm…i wasnt aware that we were sharing the hat
Mine is more of a Kangol anyway…would we really call that a hat?
Yes!! Love Black men that wear Kangols. I’m a newsboy connoisseur myself
and we love black women who love black men who wear kangols
I got married at 23 (he was 8 years older), and marriage was the last thing I was planning on it, it just sorta happened. Now, 6 months from being 30 I am filing for divorce.
Early/Mid twenties is way too young for marriage. I certainly agree that at this age- there is a lot less bullshit I am willing to put up with. There is much less that I am willing to compromise on which is part of the reason I am happily divorcing.
I meet and know plenty of great men but I haven’t been single/separated long so I can’t really speak on the dating pool.
“Early/Mid twenties is way too young for marriage.”
for the most part, i agree
At the time, did you, or your parents, think it odd that a 31 year old man would want to marry a 23 woman?? In today’s day and age?
Surprisingly, no one seemed to have a problem with it. No one ever questioned the age difference.
I graduated high school at 15 and moved out on my own at 17.
At that age, I wasn’t established- I just finished my BA in ’07 and neither was he.
I am a totally different woman now then I was then, so many changes have happened both mentally and spiritually. I want and need different thing now. If those changes don’t coincide with your partners changes or lack thereof its a recipe for disaster.
Ah, yes, the impossibly high expectations for happiness that feminism (and pop culture to a large extent) created for many women and emasculated so many men.
Nice exchange here today.
Funny how our empowerment often leads to the precieved emascaulation of men.
EXACTLY!
women should not have the right to vote, inherit property, work outside of the home if she’s married, decide when and whether to have children, get an education, or play sports.
those damn feminists just ruined it for everybody </sarcasm>
Some truth is said in jest.
“Some truth is said in jest.”
Point S.C.R.O.O.G.E
I don’t think feminism is about emasculating men anymore than anti-racism is about hating white people. To suggest otherwise is self-serving, brother.
That said, I do think that there are feminists who merely want male power for themselves and thrive off making men feel horrible. This is not the goal of true feminism.
In the same way anti-racism is about restoring some balance to interaction between races, feminism is about understanding that women are autonomous thinkers.
Where we get tripped up as men and as Americans in this is not recognizing that our very existence as men gives us power. Much of the interaction that is harmful between genders is about women trying to exert agency and men being uncomfortable with what that agency looks like.
LMAO. So, the White woman’s perception that there are less men of marriagable quality refutes the existance of the fact that there are 2 million plus female Black adults more than there are Black men? Boo hoo, Sarah Jane can’t find a hubby yet, and I am supposed to believe that I have overthought the number of Black men who have died in the streets, failed to meet me academically, got locked the fuck up or chose to go to Iraq. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
Didn’t we discuss this form of communication? I turn my back for 15 minutes and here you come not being fragile. I didn’t see you once refer to the situation being hurtful. Remember, the key words are FRAGILE, SOFT, NEEDY, all delivered passive-aggressively.
I know, I know!!! I never listen. Ok, let me try again.
*Steps off porch, whist sipping lemonade from a mason jar*
All this a’thinking makes my head hurt. I sure do wish one of these gentlemens would put in simpler terms so I can get it. Please, I’m so needy. I’m pouting. Help! Please.
(Ok Hostess, my needy game needs work, but I am gonna keep practicing.)
How about this:
“I see your point.” This acknowledges the people, strokes egos and makes them feel understood (softens them up).
“While my heart goes out to all women kind, my biggest concern are the women who look like me.” Again, this shows sympathy for the plight of all women. But at the same time you’re basically discounting it. It doesn’t come off like you’re discounting. It comes off like you’re refocusing people on the plight of Black woman.
You’re so smart, kiss your brain!
well, when I read the quote from the article: it’s a reality, a condition that transcends race, culture, and time.
I kind of agree and see the author’s point. You know they say that your perception IS your reality, I think that applies here. Regardless of how the stats play out, there can be challenges for ALL people in finding a suitable mate, for the very reasons outlined here.
everyone has their own perception of reality and that reality is their own!! we can skew the data however we see fit to make it speak for us and to prove our individual points but when it is all said and done,the statement “Regardless of how the stats play out, there can be challenges for ALL people in finding a suitable mate, for the very reasons outlined here.” is simply the truth!!
It’s too many damned comments…BUT I’m calling for a reality check!
Can we get a range of definitions for what the DOPE woman is–from men–cus most women really don’t know?
Then can we get a range of definitions forwhat the DOPE man is–from women cus most men really don’t know?
Finally, can we look at those definintions, look in the mirror and do a real self assessment?
Are we really Super DOPE, DOPE, close to DOPE, or the absolute multiplicative inverse of DOPE? And I don’t mean for the men to sit around with their ball stroking friends who all think they are the definition of DOPE in four languages. Nor do I mean for women to sit around with their squat faced friends talking about all men are intimidated. I’m talking about some honest self-assessment.
The point I keep tryna drive home is that everyone can’t possible be on the right side of the normal curve. There are some extra-regular folks over valuing themselves and reaching for stars their arms are too short to grasp. I haven’t rarely seen anyone who is willing to say, “Damn. I’m not the tallest dude. When anyone looks at me head on, they can see my sinuses. My credit score is wack. My mother runs my life. I have intimacy issues.” And I’ve not seen too many women who are willing to say, “I’m not the cutest thing. I got a Goodyear around my belly parts. My skut is stretched to be damned. And I don’t have one nurturing bone in my body.” Nerp. All people wanna say is that they are the damn near perect package and the rest of the world is messed up for NOT seeing this.
Courtesy of BBD:
Dope
Say it loud
She’s dope
Say it loud
That girl’s dope
I saw her picture in the magazine
Her body’s dope and you know what I mean
She looks so hot, it makes me full of steam
She reminds me of a sexy X-rated video queen
I might just take my time
And make that girl mine
She’s dope and I know she’s good
I can’t cope ’cause that girl is dope
That girl is dope
Say it loud
She’s dope
That girl is dope
Say it loud
That girl’s dope
She’s fly
Definitely wanna make you scream
Her body’s like a built machine
Everybody’s asking if she’s mine
Girls like this are really hard to find
Yeah, beautiful (word)
Girls like this are really hard to pull
Everybody’s always saying nope
I can’t cope ’cause that girl is dope
That girl is dope
Say it loud
Dope
She’s dope
That girl is dope
Say it loud
That girl’s dope
Mmm mmm
Dope
Dope
Say it loud, say it loud
Say, say, say it loud
Say, say it
Say it, say it loud
Say it loud
Say, say, say it loud
Say it
Physical attraction, maxing, relaxing
That dope, dope body enticing
Mmm, I about to get loose
Come here, girl,
I wanna knock your boots
Left, right, right, left, back
Honey sweat, B.B.D. in effect
A hundred percent class
You pass by the class
She’s shaped like an hourglass
She’s (dope) body stronger than Bacardi
She’s the best of all the girls in the party
Mean, scheme, fiend, clean, sheen
She’s a superior being, know what I mean
Fly, beautiful hype on
Word is bond, bag it up and I’m gone
All you brothers out there can’t cope
(Let me get it, M.B.)
Nope, the girl is dope
****
Granted there’s no real definition, but Ricky Bell sings to us that we know what he means so…um…
She does have to have an hourglass figure according to BBD.
Well since you put it like that, I guess the bigger girls of the world be damned. Me included.
@Hostess: Very good points you are making.
@ TIH: Actually, big girls aren’t damned. Big SLOPPY girls are damned. LOL
@ Panama: It’s been a while since I proclaimed my hate for you. OMG, I hate you!! First an Intro reference and now BBD!?
Aww Hostess…do ya mean it?!?! Shit, if you ain’t careful I’m gonna start making references to Surface, Kiara, Riff, AND Ready For The World.
We can go from the 80s to the 90s and back again.
F*ck around and have to Force MD ya.
KIARA!!! ah and RFTW almost lost the big V to that one. WOW you are taking me back
Troop much?
Whu-what? Love Is A House…And you got the key…
“All people wanna say is that they are the damn near perect package and the rest of the world is messed up for NOT seeing this.”
this actually ties into tommorrow’s topic.
Ha. Clearly I am damn near perfect, or at least ahead of my time by a day.
Maybe I’ll list my good and bad points on my blog. I’ve known them for a minute and I’ve been working on them for half a minute.
“All people wanna say is that they are the damn near perfect package and the rest of the world is messed up for NOT seeing this.”
shoot, i can’t help it if folks don’t reco’nize my fabulousness … LOL…
the problem with your question is this: no one can speak for everyone. only you can say what you think is DOPE.
i don’t care what YOU think is dope. i only care about finding a dude I think is dope. and it’s love if he thinks i’m dope too.
My point is people think they know what the apple of their eye thinks is DOPE. As a result, they advertise that they are all those component of DOPE. They are often WRONG. If you hear a lot of definitions from a crop of people in your dating pool, there may be similarities.
word! I admit that I can be egomaniacal, I think am the shit. No need to convince others of this. LOL At the same time, I am also self aware. I don’t need the masses to believe what I believe. Just one, very dope dude (to me) and we can be in ignorant bliss happily ever after about our dopeness. LOL
you can’t define it because my definition is different from champ’s, while champ’s is different from pj’s and the list goes on!! while there will be a general consensus, we won’t be able to agree on everything that qualifies!!
If you can’t define it, why come so many men go after the SAME women?? If we put ten women in a room with ten women, 7 of those men are going to be fixated on 3 of those women. Why is that? Some of those men have the same basic definition of DOPE.
Uh, yeah I’m so bringing DOPE back. DOPE and break-dancing!
but why concern yourself with the ones that don’t think you are dope in their book? I’m slow today, break it down to me like I work for BET
“break it down to me like I work for BET”
LMAO!!! WOWWWWWW!!!!!!
Hey listen here, I’m too old to wear a short skirt and shake my ass in front of a camera. (I will do them seperately but NOT at the same time. Cus I’m classy!) So I can’t speak ‘BET-ese’. I can speak VH-1. (Yes I know it’s just one half step above BET. But whatevs.)
Right now, you have before you at least five Black men. These men obviously read and can put a decent thought together. Since birds of a feather often flock together, it’s not a far stretch to think if Panama and Champ are educated and civilized, so are the men who know them in real life and read the page. Now, I’m gonna make a huge assumption here– you, at the very least, want a man who can read, write, formulate a reasonable thought, etc. You have before you a sampling of men like that. Understanding that these guys don’t represent every single man. But a dialog gets created. Why not get a general sense of what’s DOPE from men who have some of your minimal requirements? This way, when you meet one in REAL life, you’re able to have a better understanding of what they really want. One thing with the innanets is that folks don’t have THAT much cause to completely lie. A lot of truth eeks out when people are behind a keyboard.
I’m a researcher. I like to have a diaolog. I like to get as much information as possible…Still nobody has defined DOPE. Maybe I will. Eh. Naw. I’m not gonna play in the street alone!
ok, I get that, kind of like water seeks its on level thing. Where I get hung up is here:
having a better understanding of what they really want.
once said understanding is gleaned, am I to chameleon into that model? I mean, if I ain’t it, I ain’t it, right?
“If you can’t define it, why come so many men go after the SAME women?? If we put ten women in a room with ten women, 7 of those men are going to be fixated on 3 of those women. Why is that? Some of those men have the same basic definition of DOPE.
Uh, yeah I’m so bringing DOPE back. DOPE and break-dancing!”
you know whats funny, i’ve said the same thing, only the exact opposite.
for instance, once while i was in college, a teammate and i sat down and named all of the women of color on campus that had been with at least one member of the team. (stop giving me the side eye.! i told you i was in college, lol)
anyway though, through the 8 of us (us and six other black teammates) we named somewhere between 60 and 70 women, which at my school was maybe 75 percent of the black women living on campus.
point being, in my experience, if you have 10 women and 10 guys, 7 or 8 of those women will all be competing to get with maybe 2 or 3 of those guys, and a few of them will be content to be “benchwarmers”.
moral of the story: i miss college
the good ole’ years!!!
Champ, you have just landed yourself on My List Of Bloggers I Can’t Stand!! Your certificate is in the mail!
If there were 70 chicks, the first week of school, y’all still all wanted the same 7. Anyone y’all got with beyond that was because of something else. Now, initial DOPENESS is physical. I think we think we know what most men think is dope where looks are concerned. But what’s dope personality wise??
“moral of the story: i miss college”
This made me spit out my coffee, really it did, I think I need a new keyboard.
first thing that popped in my head was in this instance all we would have to go on is looks and for the most part I think men agree on who is most bangable. We deviate on who is gf/wife/main girl material. To determine that you have to know more than what she looks like
“There are some extra-regular folks over valuing themselves and reaching for stars their arms are too short to grasp.”
@ Hostess…you are my newest girl e-crush…you ROCK for this ish right here! I know I am not perfect…I KNOW THIS…but knowing it and owning makes me even more loveable, no?…LOL
Awww thanks!
Yeah, she’s dope.
But doesn’t the saying go, “If you don’t believe that you’re the shit who else will”…or something along those lines.
Either way I agree, people do have a tendency to hype themselves up WAY too much. People need to carry a mirror on a rope, look at it from time to time, and ask themselves “But who am I?”.
Promote the good, camouflage the flaws.
“But doesn’t the saying go, “If you don’t believe that you’re the shit who else will”…or something along those lines”
people are taking that shit way too far and need to be knocked back down to Earth
Believe you’re the shyt sure. Believe your the diamond encrusted shyt? Not so much.
Y’all are making my head hurt…
Since I studied Econ and love Game Theory and auctions, its a pretty sound concept he has laid out.
One big thing I think the author forgot to take into account, is that in this case, the “strong bidders” are also going after a group that probably less likely to be looking for marriage.
Since they want the fine, employed, educated, well spoken, and “packing” individual, this guy has little incentive to actually settle down (to get all technical, his opportunity cost of settling down for him is extremely high because he has a selection amongst a highly coveted group of women).
Basically you got all the vicious joints (DC for fine ass women) going after the same small group, giving them less incentive to just choose one.
Who knew advanced game theory had real world applications … lol.
Perhaps not advanced game theory, but everybody’s favorite “prisoner’s dilemma” is probably one of the most real world applications of Game Theory, like ever.
I think about that shit anytime I commit crimes. It’s why I do my dirt by my lonely.
Yeah, but if people actually figured out there was a logical & sound reason behind the “stop snitching” movement … it would be nuts.
I do want a stop snitching t-shirt with the Nash Equilibrium explained on the back.
When ya’ll opening up that t-shirt store?
That sounds like some shit MIT cats would do. I remember one of my professors in grad school used to say he and his other friends would put equations on their shits that only they could figure out while other people tried to figure them out…and that was funny to them.
Nash Equilibrium 4 Lyfe.
Here’s another T-shirt:
A woman telling her husband what to do while he looks all forlorn and beaten down while she says: I’ve got my Pareto Optimality, what about you?
Nash…Pareto…(biting bottom lip) I swear…since I have been on VSB I have spent more on batteries than petro!
smart guys…YUMMY!
LOL @ I swear…since I have been on VSB I have spent more on batteries than petro!
smart guys…YUMMY! —–> I agree
I thought if you were acting rationally, the solution to the prisoner’s game is to defect? Wouldn’t that be counter to ‘stop snitching’?
Can I just say that male debates/arguments are way hotter than two women debating/arguing? Can I say that? Anyway, it’s hawt. Carry on people…
I must agree. I have re-read some of these comments twice and found myself swooning both times.
*sigh*
On another note-Champ this is has been a great week!
thank you ladies. and yes, it’s always good to see adults having debates without calling each other names. this is the vision that riley and springer brought to the world, and panama and i are just happy to be able to extend it and shit
(fanning self) PatteeCAKES…giiiiiiirl…I gots to agree on that…it’s hotter than the devil’s front porch in D-Town today…but this here on thie screen is what’s making me sweat! OH YEAH!
I got married at 33. I’ve been married for three years and I had a son when I met my husband. I was 27 when I had my son. I wasn’t the one who wanted to get married my partner was and to be honest I’m glad that he talked me into it. Our relationship is important to us. We are individuals who work at the team effort everyday; our persuit of happiness. I think the most important thing that I’ve learned about myself in this union is that it is so important to be self ish sometime; if not there’s nothing new to share. He has his thing (which by the way is not some dark basement room where he does his ‘man’ thing or where I store him when my friends come by), I have my thing (and even though I do believe that the kitchen is mine, it’s not my primary interest) and we have our family. We both feel responsible for our families happiness so we do what needs to be done to make that happen. I’ve stayed home with the kids, he’s has too. There are no set roles. Now don’t get me wrong the brotha does not like doing his own laundry, but I don’t like cutting the grass or getting my car repaired (in most cases machanics treat you like your stupid and then over charge you if your a woman. I know this is off topic but this mikky fikky tried to charge me 400 whole dollars to change a magnet. Bullshit! Bought the part and hubbie did it. Everything fixed for under $5o and some sexual favors as a tip!!!) so it works out. But for the most part I’m glad I got all my clubbin’ and parting out before I got married because it helped me to appreciate a good conversation over dinner at home; ya know the basic interaction between a man and a woman. I’ve also been able to see the things in myself that need refinement because I have a sensitive custimized sound board. We’ve only been married for three years and we’ve been together for six and I’ve learned so much about myself.
I guess the point that I’m tring to make is maybe marriage is not right for everyone because it isn’t the answer to all of your social woes; I’m still hot temperend and impatient. In my opinion it is just the start on a journey of self discovery.
“I guess the point that I’m tring to make is maybe marriage is not right for everyone because it isn’t the answer to all of your social woes; I’m still hot temperend and impatient. In my opinion it is just the start on a journey of self discovery.”
good point
Ditto.
this….is….bee-yah-oo-tee-fer!
ok… so i was told that “3.5 out of 5 people that got married in the early twenties are not happy in their situations…..the divorce rate in this country tells it all….numbers never lie by *new jersey* (name changed to protect the innocently ignorant and ignorantly innocent” in which i had to disagree vehemently!!
first off, numbers lie like hell because people lie like hell!! you can skew data to say anything you want it to, but it doesn’t mean that it is the truth!!
secondly, some people have some odd beliefs of what is happiness!! she then bet me to ask 5 couples, married in their early 20′s if they were happy in their marriages and watch that they will say no!! so i did it, all ten participants (the 5 couples, who have actually been married for a range of 8 to 12 years) and all said that they were happily in love and thoroughly happy with their mates (i hung up on them once they started getting mushy and asking me was i about to take the plunge)!! so then she tried to bring about points to prove her statement, consisting of the people she knows that i know and while she could have almost pulled it off, she missed the key element that she herself placed into the equation!! couple #1: s&p, married at 33 and 32, because his mother and p didn’t want their daughter to be born out of wedlock!! s didn’t care!! s was left at the alter by p in their early twenties and s vowed that he wasn’t going to get married until he was ready, and if he did, he wasn’t going to take it seriously!! yes, he cheated on her and she cheated on him and they ended up getting a divorce, but they weren’t in their early twenties!! couple #2: the cop that cheated on her husband with me!! While she may or may not have been happily married, she wasn’t young and didn’t get married young!! she was 35 when we met and hadn’t been married for more than 4 years….making her at least 31!! not in her early twenties!! i could go on, but she didn’t prove her point in the least bit!!
but even with that, what makes happiness in one relationship isn’t a universal thing!! also, when you say that because one cheats in a relationship, that one isn’t happy in their relationship, isn’t a true statement either!! there are so many other factors to cheating than just happiness!!
the divorce rate in this country states one thing and one thing only, that these people prefer not to be together anymore…..doesn’t mean that they aren’t happy with each other nor does it say that they were ever happy with each other!! it just states that they were married and instead of continuing to stay married, they decided to call it quits!!
“when you say that because one cheats in a relationship, that one isn’t happy in their relationship, isn’t a true statement either!! there are so many other factors to cheating than just happiness!!”
I think it’s a pretty safe to say that if you are cheating in your relationship, something is wrong (with you, your partner, your union, something somewhere took a left turn). Maybe you don’t want to be monogamous, in which case taking a vow of monogamy and getting married wasn’t a good move to make. If something is wrong in your relationship, chances are good you aren’t ‘happy’ in your relationship, not the way i’d guess we are defining it.
People cheat and go on to get over it and have a better relationship yadda yadda yadda, but we can’t brush over the fact that it’s a big red flag that something is wrong.
i see it differently!! cheating has no obligation to happiness or unhappiness!! cheating is cheating!! people cheat because they may be bored and want a side of excitement added to their usual deal!!!! people cheat because it isn’t in their nature to be in a monogamous relationship!! it doesn’t mean that they aren’t happy with their situation, it just means that they wanted to do so, therefore they did it!! they can blame it on whatever excuse they wish to blame it on, but ultimately…if they didn’t want to do it, they wouldn’t have!!!
I totally agree with you that people cheat because they want to. But we were specifically talking about marriage, and since marriage is a contract you enter into where you vow not to cheat (forsaking all others), how happy are you entering into a contract with terms you cant’ live up to? How happy is your spouse once you don’t live up to your terms? Putting yourself in situations where you know you will fail, both yourself and people you love, is masochistic, and I’d argue that masochists aren’t happy.
Is the cheating spouse rushing home to tell their partner about their cheating? Likley they are hiding it, trying not to get found out. It may be livable for lots of people, but ‘happy’ is debatable to me.
I’d say for those that have a problem with monogamy, marriage is probably not a good look, because if they think they are ‘happy’, their betrayed spouse won’t be. And when your spouse isn’t happy, your happiness meter goes down too. !!!!
)
(I threw those exlamation points in there for you
hell,”With this ring I thee wed, and all my worldly goods I thee endow. In sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth, ’til death do us part.”, but here comes the divorce over the financial aspects of the relationships or because one became a paraplegic!! we lie when entering these contracts because we think that none of the stipulations will come up, but what if they do?? DIVORCE!!!
and i love the way you use that shift key+1 key!!!!
LOL…i feel you don g. my last point would be though, that losing jobs, becoming paraplegic, ill, etc. are things beyond your control. I have full control over whether or not I open my legs and let a dick in.
BTW, this comment isn’t fully baked because you make a good point regarding people lying (or deluding themselves) when entering into the marriage contract, but i feel like my point about control vs. circumstance fits in there somewhere
you go girl..that is so true. I was trying to explain this one to Don Giovanni for about an hour. whew! glad someone got it. thanks
not exactly what you were saying over there, so no high five for you!!
but although there are things that may be beyond your control or within your control, a vow is a vow!! if you vowed to stick it through, for richer or poorer, in sickness or health, till death do you part, aren’t you supposed to stick it out, no matter what?? neither has died, so neither should part?? or did these vows mean anything to you at all??
i assume this is why so many write their own, so as to avoid reneging on their promises to God!!!!
thanks ForReal…my sediments exactly
Hi everybody. I don’t scribe in as much as some of y’all. I read and laugh a lot on VSB, but I’m a little stroke-shy (KEYstroke, for the naughty ones). I had to chime in on this one. I’m 35 and I have a 9 year old son. I have some degrees. Though they ain’t keeping me warm (smile, Liz), I have to agree and try to stick to wisdom similar to a quote from a popular morning show host: “If he ain’t the best thing that’s ever happened to you—what you doin’ with him?”
Four years ago I visited West Africa for some months, in an area where marriage is still the rule and a single woman my age is the exception. There it seemed you were expected have plans to marry if you were seen alone with a guy more than a couple of times. I was constantly being asked why I wasn’t married, or worst, why I won’t just marry “the guy” (my son’s father).
To my male friends there, it didn’t seem to matter that my son’s father had been generally untrustworthy as a boyfriend. Much of his dirt came out during my pregnancy and after our child was born. So why I wouldn’t just marry him (he did ask) is basic math. It’s just that, in their eyes, a woman of my education level, age, and having a child should be married. Ironically, for work, we spent months interviewing women about their relationships. Though a lot of the relationships are hardly working out in the woman’s favor, marriage is just the way there. A lot of sistahs here in the States will tell you that marriage is not dat deal, especially with someone you’re not completely into. I think that the distance from our culture stateside allowed me to see and to TREASURE the fact that a lot boils down to choice—the greatest power a woman has.
There’s a whole world of that’s almost half MEN so I ain’t buying the shortage thing. I cherish brothas. And I believe that the expectation of having a love that is your most sacred friend and your best lover is not a fable. Forgive me for bein’ all “we are the world” and shyte, but if we continue to live and pursue the things that are really the substance of our souls we are likely to meet kindred spirits. And the best qualities of the one who could be your mate are ones you feel, not necessarily the ones you see. If we settle for “might as well” cats—we sell ourselves short. I’m convinced of that. Plus I’m pretty busy try’na make sure I don’t become a “might as well chick” (HA!) when I meet that kindred man.
In the meantime, sharing time with attractive male friends that make me laugh, are GREAT to converse with, wonderful at kissing or bring anything good is fun… And my feeling is that as long as you’re honest and are not playing sexual roulette, there’s nothing wrong with having more than one of these friends around.
Don’t worry. I’m not always so long-winded.
everything you wrote resonated with me – although I don’t have a 9 yr old (yet?) Muchas gracias for delurking
thanks Luvvie, Family Guy is Swank and I’m so Swayze wit it. tellya what:
u be my Luvvie and I’ll be ur Thurston Howell III
kissypoo
“Married young, most of them—and sometimes to women whose most salient characteristic was not their beauty, or passion, or intellect, but their decisiveness.”
Glad to see there is documentation for what Ive been saying for years. Even though its messed up that crazy chicks like that ‘get the guy’, so far the mariges Ive seen are crashing and burning.
Ahh, Karma.
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