earlier in the week, vsb.com regular muse (who’s probably riding a pyramid as we speak) forwarded me a link to an, ummm, “unique” marriage contract.
originally posted on thesmokinggun.com, this contract was devised by 33 year old iowan travis frey. titled “contract of wifely expectations“, this document was to be signed and explicitly followed by his wife (who never actually signed sh*t)
(click here for full contract)
sample gems from this insane four page manuscript:
“when we are home and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and sleep naked unless instructed otherwise”
“misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something other than what was requested or expected of you. if this happens you will lose 5 gbd’s (good behavior days) per incident”
“i will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your bed if there is none you will be naked. during your menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. the top is to be no longer than to cover your buttchecks”
“you are to pose for 20 pictures per quarter, unless your quota is filled”
“by the end of the first day of each quarter, you are to choose your pet name that you want me to call you by. your choice must meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 gbd loss”
complete and utter insanity notwithstanding, i think we all have some variant of a contract in our heads as we try navigate the murky shark-infested waters of courting, dating, and relationships. maybe we’re not all as crazy as mr. frey, but we all have certain rules and expectations we’d like our potential and current mates to follow.
so, occasionally intelligent and outrageously lascivious people of vsb.com, what rules (if any) would be in your contracts?
oh, and btw…what ever happened to mr. frey?
he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years, and sharing a jail cell with beanie segal.
moral of the story: maybe its not a good thing that obama won iowa.
—the champ
Must rub my feet at least 18 times during any given quarter.
what the hell is a “quarter” anyway? every three months? every third week? everytime you see a quarter?
“everytime you see a quarter?”
LOL
“everytime you see a quarter?”
lol… no
I was recently on a lunch date with a man (while visiting the DMV), while we were on said date he instinctively went to bless his food, then stopped and looked at me and began to explain and asked if I minded or would I be offended if he blessed his food. To which I responded (in my head) If I minded or were offended than you shouldnt want to be with me.
my contractual agreement shall include but is not limited to
1. Be Christian: have an active relationship with God, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
2. Believe in Marriage
3. Believe and want to be part of a Family
4. Be the head of the household
5. Love me on my worst day
“then stopped and looked at me and began to explain and asked if I minded or would I be offended if he blessed his food”
Sometimes i feel like a satanic heifer because I DO LOVE THE LORD…yes I do…but must we hold hands, pray super long and loud.
i used to want to be a preacher so i could hold the longest prayer sessions known to man…
luckily, somebody introduced me to sanctified sinnin’ the next day and its been on like popcorn ever since!
“i used to want to be a preacher so i could hold the longest prayer sessions known to man…”
P???? in a fine dining establishment. I’m not sure this is appropriate. So you blessin ALL of MAGGIANO’s FOOD and the kitchen and the wait staff??
I dunno…I appreciate that maybe during a family gathering AT HOME.
but I should not be catchin the holy ghost over Fettucine Alfredo.
“but I should not be catchin the holy ghost over Fettucine Alfredo.”
um…when else you gonna catch it?
you right over chicken…
but i also appreciate a man who not just talks like God…but WALKs like him too even when he isn’t blessin the table. Thats integrity, thats being a stewart in his community, that’s keeping his word, thats treating women (even from his past with respect and talking about them relatively well and in good terms) “that bytch was mean” is not good.
“that bytch was mean” is not good”
even if she was?
as a former PK, I quietly bow my head and bless my food at each meal, when I get in my car each morning, while I am sitting on a plane about to take off, and at night before going to bed.
Im in now way talking about catching the Holy Ghost up in Maggiano’s but just a moment to recognize and thank…
I know. I was just being un sanctified. Prayer is good. And it DOES change things.
But long and loud prayers where we hold hands on dates at restaurants is my little hangup ***now where is my bus pass to hell**
“Im in now way talking about catching the Holy Ghost up in Maggiano’s but just a moment to recognize and thank…”
ok…i’m about tired of you all name-dropping chains that ive never even been to (or heard of)
sometimes I think you like playing dumb…how the ham sandwich did you know it was a chain???
“sometimes I think you like playing dumb…how the ham sandwich did you know it was a chain???”
what i should have said was “chains ive never heard of before i started this site”, lol. i had no idea about this place until a couple weeks ago.
sh*t, if you go here…
http://www.maggianos.com/locations/
…you’ll see that there are none within like 250-300 miles of pittsburgh
King of Prussia PA…247 miles…its a worthy chain.
“King of Prussia PA…247 miles…its a worthy chain.”
lol…see what i mean. i aint traveling 247 miles for no damn spaghetti
@the champ: lol…see what i mean. i aint traveling 247 miles for no damn spaghetti
that literally made me laugh out loud.
cuz its true. you’d make that drive for spaghetti.
IH—good list.
thanks
This is great food for thought. Some things on my contract would be
1. Must not take my sarcasm to heart. It is part of my sense of humor and thus a component of my charm.
2. Must not look at me strange if I suggest something sexually that he/I/both of us have never experienced.
3. Should be a football fan. If not, must not bitch about me going out on most sundays from pre-season to superbowl.
4. Must understand that I am not a girlie-girl. Sometimes I just like to say fuck and enjoy an ice cold beer. Dont try to change me and I wont change you.
5. Has to be willing to give me back rubs. One a month will get you far with me.
6. Must not judge me by my family. I love them but lord they are a crazy bunch.
Your first two points are on point!!
“6. Must not judge me by my family. I love them but lord they are a crazy bunch.” – yep, i know how you feel, luckily my parents never got into the routine of having family meetings/gatherings, too much Drama but i aint sayin nothin cause that’s family business {all that glitters is not gold}
3. Should be a football fan. If not, must not bitch about me going out on most sundays from pre-season to superbowl
YES!!!
I dated a guy who didn’t like sports once, and needless to say, that’s a big reason he’s no longer in the picture.
was he gay ro soemthing or did he get beat up alot as a child?
I’m sure he wasn’t gay, now the other, I’m not so sure about.
He didn’t watch any sports, at all. I thought it was strange myself. I tried to let it slide, but I couldn’t. Especially when he was trying to act all funny-style about me watching football on sundays.
if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a million times: i do not trust men who do not like sports at all.
oh and also, i do not trust black men with no bass in their voice. my mother’s white and my voice has heftiness to it.
if this is you, work on that shit. you probably give limp dap too.
“if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a million times: i do not trust men who do not like sports at all.”
i agree. ive never met a dude who was completely uninterested in sports and didnt have serious personality issues. never
“didnt have serious personality issues. never”
That he did have. LOL
@ Panama
You don’t trust ‘em huh?! Maybe I should adopt this.
i concur…men who don’t like sports and/or have no bass in the voice=highly suspect and b*tchazz.
A dude who doesn’t like any sports and has no bass in his voice………is there any doubt that he is gay? The DL is alive and well, and any man who has those two traits should be held suspect for sure!
“A dude who doesn’t like any sports and has no bass in his voice………is there any doubt that he is gay? The DL is alive and well, and any man who has those two traits should be held suspect for sure!”
shoot, i bet even gay men think that men who dont like any sports is gay, lol
“you probably give limp dap too.”
That is so true… men with out bass usually do have that limp dap. and sweaty hands. ewww
The non-sports guy is a dating anomale that I have encountered once, I felt like the “man” of the relationship, it was just too weird…
It was weird. Very weird.
Some kats don’t like a certain sport, like let’s say baseball. That I can understand. I only like baseball when I go to the games, but to say you don’t like ANY sports, that’s just odd to me.
“2. Must not look at me strange if I suggest something sexually that he/I/both of us have never experience”
ummm…hmmm.
Oh yay I been waiting 2 weeks to be at the top… eh he hem
1. shave all chest hairs
2.don’t gain weight when i get pregnant and say its my fault
3. don’t tell me when your going to take a shit cuz i dont care.
3. don’t tell me when your going to take a shit cuz i dont care.
Or better yet, dont talk to me while I am trying to take one. I had an ex who used to come in the bathroom and try to talk to me while I was relaxing on the throne. It used to drive me crazy because I just cant go with someone else in the bathroom.
LMAO!! me either
can you imagine, just sitting there holding a turd while they yapping… and then it drops and all hell breaks loose. well nobody told ur dumb ass to stand there while i was taking a shit…..
“1. shave all chest hairs”
Mik, this is a little “how you doin”!!! maybe he shouldn’t be overly hairy to begin with or at least wear a damn tee-shirt to cover said hair while out and about.
I HATE chest hair. So I’ve actually had this same “weird” thought.
However, my version would go like this.
He’s hairy and VERY manly. But he will shave the hair because he loves me so much and honors my request.
right…. if he has a hairy chest what is he going to do with the hairy back he probably has?
I am not a fan of hairy men. all that extra moisture and tickle really kinda grosses me out.
I concur…..I never dated men with back hair or hair on the back of their hands…..I have a teen wolf phobia and I always imagined that happening with extra hair guys.
1. thats insane.
do straight men shave their chest hair. I did date this guy once who had it waxed on occassion, but I questioned he orientation all the time.
“do straight men shave their chest hair. I did date this guy once who had it waxed on occassion, but I questioned he orientation all the time.”
unless theyre swimmers, i dont think so. i like my hair. it makes me feel brawny
Did you just say brawny?!
CTFU
I’m so done…lol
I’m still laughing that he said brawny.
And I agree that chest hair on a man is sexy (as long as it isn’t taco meat looking chest hair)
“brawny” my ni99a?? “brawny”?
yup…brawny. whats wrong with brawny? its in the dictionary and sh*t
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/brawny
1. shave all chest hairs
Wow really?!
I likes the hair. It’s manly.
most women do thats why I said thats insane
I love the hair myself.
ok but what about when its coming from out over the collar bone..hair that you could possibly french braid.
you can trim that. put a guard on the clippers. shaving is just takin that too far. you might as well demand he shave is balls.
ok…just asking. I never had this type of problem. But I just needed to clarify for Mikki…you feel me???
Just wanted to make sure SHE understood the protocol…
That you can trim. But she said chest hairs…not back/neck hair.
OK…so its ACCEPTABLE to shave the back/neck hair???
If it’s looking like a forest, yes.
If it’s just regualr, I’d say leave it.
I don’t mind.
love hair on the chest…it’s so MANLY!
i know a chick with chest hair. and its like she just refused to do anything about it. used to drive me batshit. i’m like i can see it, so i know you can. clip that shit.
wore v-neck t-shirts and everything.
@Panama…I know a sister like that…she has a mustache too…and wears bright lipstick. like the contrast between brick red and black whiskers is invisible…WTF?!? be all smiley and sh*t…and dudes holler!! I stand to the side makionig sure my breath is fresh like WT(fuggin)F?!?!
“…she has a mustache too…and wears bright lipstick. like the contrast between brick red and black whiskers is invisible…WTF?!? be all smiley and sh*t…”
Goody u stupid!
Cracking——————–THe———————————————–FU*k———————————–UP!
OMG!!!! Brick red and black whiskers…
I’m done.
I knew a woman who had a mustache, thick side burns and a couple of scraggly face hairs.
One day she went on vacation and came back two weeks later. Something was different about her and I couldn’t place what it was.
I’m thinking, does she look well rested? Is it a tan? I figured out that she had shaved the hair off …. LOL.
hey this is a disease.. its hirsutism..LMAO my friend has been getting hair removal treatment for years because of it….
I had a teacher like that in high school! I’m talking taco meat hair on her chest…and she always wore low cut tops. I just couldn’t understand how that was supposed to be a good look. The sheer thought of it grosses me out.
Taco meat is bad. But on a woman?? Shit the least she could do is PERM the ish! Or wear turtlenecks. Even in summer.
…the least she could do is CUT that sh!t…along with her Teddy Riley goatee. I don’t know, maybe she was ol’ skool with it. She wasn’t and old woman…at the time maybe late 30′s. It was weird.
not the Teddy Riley goatee…
JAM…OH JAM!!!
“along with her Teddy Riley goatee. I don’t know, maybe she was ol’ skool with it. She wasn’t and old woman…at the time maybe late 30’s. It was weird.”
whenever i see women with a fu manchu i always think its like the food in the teeth dynamic, where someone notices food in someones teeth, but doesnt say anything because they assume they already know. i honestly think some of these bearded broads have no idea that they look like theyre wearing walrus masks. we need to do a better job of letting them know
you’re saying these heffas don’t own mirrors? or they have self-esteem mirrors intended to hide their flaws?
It is necessary for folks to shave their chest hair if it can be considered “taco meat”. I refuse to get cut by one of them aluminum balls u wanna call hair.
Yep, chain maille chest hair is not a good look…
ALISE!!! CHAIN MAILLE???!! are you trying to get me fired??? huh? huh? methinks you’re in collusion with the VSBs to relieve me of my employment so I will be free to be the PR ni99a round here! CHAIN MAILLE!!!
***dead***
Hey I nominated you for a Brillante Premio Weblog Award!
thanks and shit.
Here’s my contract….
#1 – Be faithful to me and respect me at all times. Even at our worst moments, there should be a level of respect for each other.
#2 – Be family-oriented and love children. I have a very close big extended family and love to be around family. I could not be with a man who’s not family-oriented. They’re a big part of me and this is a must. I also love children and this important too:)
#3 – I have a very full life with family, friends, work, volunteering, etc so I need a man who understands that. I’m very loving, but I can’t be with a man that will smother me. It just will not work. I also like 1 hour a day to myself where I can just relax and not be bothered (usually right after work).
#4 – I’m not a neat freak, but I expect the man to pick up after himself. I like to keep the house clean and it drives me crazy if there are stuff on the floor and dishes filling up the sink.
#5 – Sense of humor is very important! I love to laugh and I can be really silly sometimes, so this is a must:)
This would be what my contract looks like!
This is pretty good.
nice and simple and shit.
My contract looks a lot like this one.
#6. Let’s do what we do best and f*ck them gender-roles. If my lawn-mowing skills are off the chart (which they are) and you’re an excellent cook, let’s do just that. At the end of the day, the health of the relationship is more important than some bs, preconceived sh!t.
Oh praise God!!! I’m currently with/not with a dude who has this archaic idea that I should be cooking more. I’m like,”ni99a if you’re hungry, fix yourself something to eat”! I’m not his wife and even if I was, I’m not that good in the kitchen and I don’t plan on running home everyday to make sure he has a hot meal on the table. Now I can clean the hell out of a house. I mean, spotless. Doesn’t that count for something?!
“Now I can clean the hell out of a house. I mean, spotless. Doesn’t that count for something?”
cleaning counts.
so does fellatio
Fab it’s not about sticking to a rule of “the woman cooks” it’s more about a mother or wife even if she can’t cook FEELING the responsibility to ensuring that her family/man is fed. (regardless of who actually does the cooking) if she feels and owns this responsibility she will genuinely try her best to learn etc. many chefs are men and cook better than women. what im saying here is that i would like for a woman to feel what i think is the responsibility of her “natural” role. another example: if a woman is not a good cook then i would like to see that she genuinely wants to prepare a good meal when she tries and tries her best (shout to D*Scroy) juxtapose doing it with resentment and half assed with a bad attitude.
as a man i genuinely FEEL the majority responsibility to provide food clothing and shelter for my fam/wife even if she makes as much or more than me. (regardless of if she has to contribute or carry the family financially at some point) i FEEL and accept that responsibility and i work towards that if i’m not already doin it.
if you’re in a relationship where you do the yard and he cooks nothing is wrong with that if its working for youall. everything is not strictly by the book. make each decision based on it’s own unique circumstances.
hot dammit. i’m still up, fresh from a b-day party on ur arse.
Champ asks:
Q: “so, occasionally intelligent and outrageously lascivious people of vsb.com, what rules (if any) would be in your [marriage]contracts?
i’m not sure Champ but i do know that current marriage contract language is archaic. the parent text was written at a time when women didn’t have “jobs” and when a man took care of most of their financial needs etc. so as it relates to divorce the shit is madd unrealistic for the 20th century and retarded for the 21st century altogether. like D. Masterson says. “Alimony is prostitution.” …and the judges who are trusted to interpret the law are certainly favoring the female species in every aspect. the precedence is set and influences future decisions and awards.
#1. don’t get married, technically speaking. (remember it’s only pre marital sex if you plan to marry.)
#2. can u say: “hollywood divorce.”
#3. sometimes i wake up out of my sleep dazed saying: “how much do i owe you? and what’s your name. well of course you owe a woman everything. didn’t you get the memo from….
#4. my attorney told me not to sign shit not so much as an autograph without his advisement 1st. so fuck u and the judgde. family court can blow me.
#5. you dont need a MARRIAGE CONTRACT to be in a monagomous relationship, build and develop a family, love and cherish etc. et fuc*ing cetera. (…and yes men you can still contractually provide for your family. …CONTRACTUALLY outside of wedLOCK.
#6. Pre-Nuptials Contracts if you have to do the matrimony letigiousness. know the laws in your state.
#7. a former boss once told me:
khan [he said] you’re a talented fellow but there is no i in team.
and i said:
sir you’re right but there is a U in, fuck U.
suffice it to say i saw the exit sign first.
i’m sleepy i’ll finish this shit tomorrow. no worries i’ll be back with the moral to this story and before you had a chance to hate me. in the meantime remember the Draconion Thought Police only rules whom they are allowed to. ALL power comes from within.
goodnight
“remember it’s only pre marital sex if you plan to marry.” – Now here’s a feasable excuse for dating a mormon, thank you old sport.
“my attorney told me not to sign shit not so much as an autograph without his advisement 1st. so fuck u and the judgde” – that’s the truth son, go on….
There may not be an I in team, but there is a me in team
me is in team huh? good call V.
“khan [he said] you’re a talented fellow but there is no i in team.
and i said:
sir you’re right but there is a U in, fuck U.”
yeah…its time for my pepper eggs and toast
“sir you’re right but there is a U in, fuck U.”
hahahha…omg i am so going to use it ALL THE TIME. If it’s a true story u have to tell us the details of that exchange. love it.
Back ot the topic:
Man I think about contracts all the time…this is the perfect post. All around me I see failing marriages, dishonest/unhappy/depressed couples and I never want to end up that way. Here is a couple things I would put in a contract if I could:
1. There will be teamwork in the marriage — whether it’s cleaning, cooking, paying bills, raising children, etc. Unless some other equally ‘teamworky’ deal is agreed upon.
2. Problems will only be between him & I. I will never talk badly about him or discuss sensitive issues with family/friends/neighbours/coworkers and I expect the same from him.
3. ALL significant family decisions would be made together.
4. Since money is the TOP reason of divorce & fights — there would be some kind of agreement in stone about spending, saving, etc. etc. or something like it.
5. NEVER EVER EVER HIT. That goes both ways.
6. No smoking, alcohol or drugs. EVER.
7. Cheating is a deal breaker. No second chances. AT ALL.
8. Even if there is no love — there should always be common decency, respect, thoughtfulness, & fairness. That goes A LONG WAY.
There is a lot more but I gotta stop here or I’ll write a book. hmmm.
“No smoking, alcohol or drugs. EVER.” – that’s why we have such a high divorce rate, cause of premises like these!
“decency, respect, thoughtfulness, & fairness” – try applying any of those during sex…please go on try it…no offence, but that won’t get you anywhere
sisanda im wit ya on the tuff talk coupled with ruff sex manytimes.
again i refer Zahara and others who take respect and decency to an uber level, even during sex to Patrice Oneal (he’s a favorite of Champ, P Wu and many of the men on this site)
*spoiler alert*
if you’re easily offended remove stick from ass first. look at this as a research and educational experience.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pB-4avmAR0
enjoy!
i’m mad i cant find that entire hbo special somewhere. i knew i should have taped it when it came on
yeah Champ i wish i had a copy of the Patrice Oneal HBO special too. maybe i’ll check on the net and see if its available. it may be available at HBOs’ site. …or like HBO on demand and shits.
I was just about to scream GIRL power…but Patrice is not a girl.
no smoking alcohol or drugs?
good luck with that. I feel like taking a couple of shots and a shotgun right now. You realize its human nature to do things when we are told under no circumstances not to do then..especially when times get hard
6. No smoking, alcohol or drugs. EVER.
Wow. I feel ya on the drugs, but he’s gotta be able to drink with me, or we might kill each other. lol
what about mary? what about tylenol or claritin?
I’m talking bout the hard stuff.
Like black tar heroin, meth, oxy-contin, crack…and the like. You nahmean.
I take zyrtec daily–how am I talk gone talk crazy bout that…lol
I take oxy contin on ocassion ( I have a fracture in one of my vertebrae and the pain can get unbearable), I also have a regular stash of Motrin (1000mg) in my medicine cabinet along with Vicoden and Percoset. All of which are narcotics.
I dont trust a man that doesn’t drink any alcohol, I mean not even a glass of wine ever?
my dad is a recovering Alcoholic, so I grew up around crazy alcohol and recovery. My first job out of college was at a residential substance abuse facility so I know the difference between a social drinker, someone that has a crutch, and an alcoholic.
I hear what you are saying about some of the illicit drugs though…
IH- If you’re taking the oxy or any other prescription meds for a condition, I understand.
Now if dude is crushing up oxy pills to snort them, I have a problem. lol
I totally hear you about the drugs…
My point is if its for medicinal purpose than you get a pass, but dont tell me your afternoon tree session is just for medicinal reasons cause I know you don’t have glaucoma
what’s untrustworthy about a guy who doesn’t drink alcohol?
Honestly, I don’t know, its one of my personal hang ups.
It’s like maybe you can’t control yourself if you do. I guess it comes from being around people who couldn’t (control themselves). So you don’t drink, so where are you putting that addictive behavior?
I take it on a case by case basis, I do have male friends that don’t drink.
Some people make decisions about whether or not to drink without ever doing it. The entire time I was in undergrad, I decided not to drink without ever having tasted or tested alcohol.
But wouldn’t this apply to drugs? I mean, would you trust someone who hadn’t tried cocaine because they thought maybe they couldn’t control themselves if they started?
Then again, you seem to imply that everyone has some addictive behavior that if its not channeled into drinking must be in some other place.
Kamakula, honestly its only with alcohol. I will work on it.
You get’s kudos for not ever trying cocaine, and I might throw you a ticker tape parade.
I needs my claritin. Allergies punk me!
i’m all about drugs in a relationship.
sometimes you have to medicate to stop yourself from slappin-a-mate.
that goes both ways.
Just Say Yes
I totally agree…LMAO….Me and Jose (as in cuervo black) became good friends after my mother in law tried to annoint me with blessed oil…..
ya know!
“Even if there is no love — there should always be common decency, respect, thoughtfulness, & fairness. That goes A LONG WAY.”
In my opinion, if there is no love, then the whole contract is null and void.
Co-sign.
“2. Problems will only be between him & I. I will never talk badly about him or discuss sensitive issues with family/friends/neighbours/coworkers and I expect the same from him.”
good tenet and shit
2. Problems will only be between him & I. I will never talk badly about him or discuss sensitive issues with family/friends/neighbours/coworkers and I expect the same from him.
We were discussing this in my bible study last night…this is HUGE. Who better to work out my issues with than the one I have the issue with? Domestic disturbances don’t leave my threshold, period.
And my Grammy gave me a piece of advice when I was young and dating… “Don’t go to bed angry.” This stems from Ecclesiates, “Don’t let the sun set on your anger.” Whatever beef my husband and I have, we fry it up and eat it before our heads hit our pillows. At the very least we agree to extinguish the fires so that we can start fresh the next day.
Zahara says:
“If it’s a true story [khan] u have to tell us the details of that exchange. love it.” [the u in F-U story]
yes it’s true but i didn’t want to be assistant to U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno anyways ;}
no really i’ll tell the story some other time.
tune in next ___________ when khan tells the holier-than-thous where to get the fu*k off.
will he use a hunting knife or a machette.
*insert cliff hanger music*
No alcohol, like ever? Shiiiiiiid!
And drugs, not even some Vicodine?
I can see where some of my contract may seem strange — the ‘no alchohol, drugs, & smoking’.
I’m Muslim — it’s part of my religion to abstain from those things.
However, even personally, I don’t care for those three. Smoking is nasty, alcohol makes you a dumbass, & drugs are just plain stupid (I’m not talking about medicine).
I’m Muslim — it’s part of my religion to abstain from those things.
I gotcha. Now I understand.
my contract is as follows:
1. Love me and respect me. that means all of me, my good, my bad, and ugly
2. be truthful in all situations, you never know what I am wiling to forgive if you dont try me.
3. Be a good father in every aspect of the word.
4. have some sort of spiritual belief
5. Understand that although I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve, I still hurt and I dont always want to be the strong one
6. Always strive to become better, to never be satisfied with “average”
7. Willing to work wherever to get the bills paid. IF you get laid off from your high paying job and the economy is bad, yes I expect that person to work at mc d’s if he has to , to pay the bills. I would.
8 msut be selfless in terms of the relationship,. I mean chips are down give me your last with full knowledge that I would do the same
9 must have friends and hobbies.. I hate being smothered
10 don’t make me your savior…..
11 Fight Fair
ok…I like the job thing. I was reading everybodys and I thought most of the ladies had omitted this.
That is a basic character trait you must have before I even consider accepting a marriage proposal.
alot of things that are beign listed in these contracts are basic character traits that shouldn’t have to be written down or said.
Yep.
and that my dear Deviant is why I am not posting a list..dammit if you don’t know…I am not trying to teach you!
I agree, character traits. Somethings just don’t have to be spelled out.
1. always lick the wrapper ..lets say this goes both ways everyday
2. keep the spontaneity
3. not afraid to take control and tell me like it is regardless.
4. understands that he has found a prize in ME, and ONLY HE can unwrap this gift.
5.be WILLING and eager to please ME as I HIM.
LMAO @ “always lick the wrapper”
I remember when I first saw this foolishness, long before my VSB’s brought it to our collective attention here. (lol…) Only “pink people” would have the audacity to put something like this together, and ACTUALLY try to get somebody to adopt it as mantra.
I mean really…if a brotha ACTUALLY put pen to paper and submitted this to an African-American woman, he not only be putting his reputation in jeopardy, but also subject to being BLACKLISTED by the same said woman, if she had an overzealous e-mail fetish.
Fool.
“Only “pink people” would have the audacity to put something like this together, and ACTUALLY try to get somebody to adopt it as mantra”
I agree. This is why I don’t do the pink meat. lol
Just think of the kind of time that he put into thinking of this nonsense. If he would have put this much time into thinking of something useful, maybe he could have come up with a cure for AIDS or Lou Gehrig’s disease or something.
Idiot.
“I mean really…if a brotha ACTUALLY put pen to paper and submitted this to an African-American woman, he not only be putting his reputation in jeopardy, but also subject to being BLACKLISTED by the same said woman, if she had an overzealous e-mail fetish.”
honestly though, even though it might not be transcribed to paper, i’m sure there are tons of people who have similar inane “contracts” in their minds, lol
t-lee said:
“Just think of the kind of time that he put into thinking of this nonsense.” [Travis Freys' marriage contract]
Champ points out:
“honestly though, even though it might not be transcribed to paper, i’m sure there are tons of people who have similar inane “contracts” in their minds, lol”
i agree Champ as far out as Travis’ list may have been a lot of people think some of these things but are afraid to voice or actually write them. …even more would like to change the current language in the “stat quo” marital contract and many disagree with the “stat quo wedding vows” and write their own.
watch what happens in say the next 15 to 20 yrs surrounding the issue of marriage.
you are right, we were having a discussion at work and I discovered that most of the Christian men believed that once they got married there wife did not have the right to refuse sex. They said it was somewhere in the bible. I was like what? I couldn’t believe that
Shay it also stated that about the husband also. Neither “is allowed” to deny the other without mutual consent and only for a small amount of time.
sorry that is bullsh!t
Hmmm… after thought and consideration…
THE HUBBY CONTRACT
Hygiene
You must ALWAYS smell good. You may only buy cologne of my choice. You must shower no less than 3 times a day with good smelling soaps and body washes. You must also brush your teeth and gargle no less than 3 times a day.
Sex
You must be able to get hard at my request. You will be given 30 days to perfect this in order to meet the requirements of this contract. Sex must lasts 15 min or more for quickies and at least and a hour for making love. Anything less will be grounds for immediate dismissal. Oral must be given each time and especially at bedtime to help put me to sleep. You must provide me with sex as many times as I request it per day.
General
You must take out the trash and do all the dirty work around the house. Should you forget or miss something, you will be required to sleep outside with the dog for 3 days. Also, if you cheat or lie to me, you will be tied up, gagged and beat with an extention cord while you are wet and naked (stings more). On the 3rd offense, I will pour hot grits on you as you sign the divorce papers.
Word is Bond.
(I’m totally bullshytting with the above stuff…lmao)
“You must shower no less than 3 times a day with good smelling soaps and body washes”
Ms. Freckles
How can you do this more than two times a day when you have a da%n job, which is not quite on any of our lists LOL.
@Comeback – LMAO! Girl, I manage to do before work, right after I get home from work and before I go to bed. Sometimes may be more if it’s hot outside and I’ve been “glowing” (aka sweating like a dayum hog). LOL
ok just checking hygiene is important and I understand the in the morning and the before bed
but yall must have some nice 9-5′s or 8-4s or 7-3s(bank jobs) to be showering 3 or more times a day.
“Also, if you cheat or lie to me, you will be tied up, gagged and beat with an extention cord while you are wet and naked (stings more). On the 3rd offense, I will pour hot grits on you as you sign the divorce papers.”
I don’t think you’re BS’ing this one…this one sounds all types of serious.
“I will pour hot grits on you as you sign the divorce papers.”
oh…naw Ms. Freckles aint playin…she will do an Al Green on dat azz fo sho.
I peeped that hot grits reference.
LMAO! I am too playing… I wouldn’t pour hot grits because I’d have to clean them up afterwards. Now boiling water may work better! *wink* The slow pour! (j/k)
Nah you won’t have to clean, cause grits stick. So there would be no clean up involved. Now water on the other hand…that’s a clean up job.
Water will eventually dry.
t-lee says: “grits stick.”
we are talking about a human being right?
how do you know hot grits stick to…?
Lawd Lawd…
I can’t answer this.
People be reading these blog things ya know…lol
I had to explain the hot grits reference to some people the other day. I laughed (internally) the whole time, like how do you not know.
LOL!!!
You be suprised how many people don’t know about the hot grits…lol
you’d be surprised how many people have never even had grits, lol.
I’m sure you’re right.
they don’t have grits in the Burgh either? I am joking
“Sex must lasts 15 min or more for quickies”
thats a long ass quickie
15 min isn’t long if you count the woman getting hers!
“15 min isn’t long if you count the woman getting hers!”
this depends on the chick. i’ve, ummm, “known” a couple who could get 2 in under 7 minutes.
I have to agree with The Champ, 15 mins is a long ass quickie. I mean, if he is on his game that day and we are both focused I can get there in about 4-7 mins. I’m just saying sometimes you have to keep your eye on the prize.
basically…15 ain’t really quickie territory to me.
“You must be able to get hard at my request. You will be given 30 days to perfect this in order to meet the requirements of this contract.”
somebody needs to marry a porn-star. and even some of them have difficulty getting hard on command.
My contract is pretty simple:
If you want to be treated as a queen, treat me like a king.
That is all.
…Co-signerism
…and Monk has won the first “head worthy comment of the day” award…so simple it’s hard…
*St. Scholastica Academy*
I made a little poem with some end rhyme in iambic pentameter…so its easy for him to remember.
Your shlong must be long, I am (hardly) ever wrong AND when you learn the words to my CHILVARY song,…I will sometimes where my thongs.
@Comeback – ROTFLMAO. I like that one. May have to copy that and print it out for the BF to have for reference! lol
yes ma’am. When it rhyme’s they can remember better.
LOL!!! Love it Comeback Girl.
Comeback’s got a lil poem fellas to help us remember our places:
Your shlong must be long, I am (hardly) ever wrong AND when you learn the words to my CHILVARY song,…I will sometimes where my thongs.
you can keep your psalm cause u gets no schlong.
i wont be meeting you at the altar or in the parish
and wit ur sense of entitlement
you can keep ur raggley, ashy ass hand in marriage.
sing along with me now!
no iambic pentameter….
heh, heh, heh, (inhales) whooooOO!
Your sonnet sucks so sadly…(alliteration)
please put your pepper on pause.
OMG I just cackled at my desk. Iambic pentameter?! YES!
1) must be clean, I’m not a fan of picking up after anybody. and yes its safe to assume that if you stink* when you come to bed, I will NOT be touching you….
*stink includes that 15 minutes you spent in 90 degree heat as you walked from your car to your job and back. This is espcially relevant if you’ve been on public transportation.
“*stink includes that 15 minutes you spent in 90 degree heat as you walked from your car to your job and back. This is espcially relevant if you’ve been on public transportation.”
so no, “we both just got home from work and we’re both horny as hell” quickies?
CHAMP…focus! she said if you come to bed…afterwork snacks aren’t in bed…they are in the livingroom bent over the couch!!
@ Goodeness…. “bent over the couch”.
woooohhooooo….I love ya girl!
“CHAMP…focus! she said if you come to bed…afterwork snacks aren’t in bed…they are in the livingroom bent over the couch!!”
you’re right. my reading comprehension skills aren’t great until ive had my morning tea and waffle
these are actually fun…unless you’re gonna get it started in the shower, actually stopping to take a shower ruins the mood, if you will.
“oh, and btw…what ever happened to mr. frey?
he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years”
This sounds about right. The whole time I was reading this “contract” I was thinking, this man doesn’t want a wife, he wants a concubine. This was after I said, oh this MF’er right here done lost his dayum mind!!!
Multiple throat punches for this dude.
I ran down my particulars in an earlier post…a couple of weeks ago, I would try to find it, but I’m lazy like that.
Eff a contract. Contracts are made to be torn up…look at Favre..he had a contract and now he is in NY. Chris Henry had a contract and he got cut jus cause he broke a few laws repeatedly.
Okay first of all she had to know that dude was deranged before it even got to the point of a marriage contract. You ain’t gonna tell that he was the loving accommodating companion while they dated and then turned to el sicko after the proposal.
Now on to other news, I am a traditionalist when it comes to marriage. I expect and uphold traditional gender roles in my marriage. I willingly bestow the honor of head of house onto the man provided he has an active plan for our lives.
My husband is somewhat demanding when he wants me to find something for him or call someone for him. But other than that he is a great man. He is a good husband. He is an excellent, excellent provider. And he is as moody as they come. Lawd that man irritates me some time.
My rules are fairly simple:
1. Don’t talk down to me and won’t talk down to you
2. Don’t try to enslave me and won’t deball you
3. Don’t take me for granted (Which he teeters on sometimes. He claims he don’t realize he is doing so, but I beg to differ)
4. Don’t blatantly lie to me and I won’t…well…forget it that part. LOL
5. Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours
Stuff like hygiene and good manners go unspoken. I wouldn’t be with him if didn’t already practice those.
2. Don’t try to enslave me and won’t deball you
5. Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours
::applause::
5. Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours
lol at “forced to”
LOL That is something he and I agreed on eaaarrrly in the ‘lationship.
I dare him to try it. He will wake up one morning with a Pringles can rammed so far up his behind…
LMAO!!! Not pringles! She did not say pringles!
not the pringles can!!! whooo.
cause you cant just have one right?
LMAO
pringles can? damn…you couldn’t at least do a straw? a can is kind of extreme
Raq:
“I am a traditionalist when it comes to marriage. I expect and uphold traditional gender roles in my marriage. I willingly bestow the honor of head of house onto the man provided he has an active plan for our lives.”
i e-lubbbs u. ladies this woman embraces playing her position and hopefully her man is playing his.
5. “Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours.”
Raq u probably already know but we will try that shit on the slick and real quick. we just be poking. yalls eyes get all big when you wince. ha!
oops wrong hole. my bad. …and u bett not try to slip shit my way dammit.
LOL!
1) Must think I’m the shyt.
2) Must think we’re the shyt.
3) Must be the shyt.
Just kidding, sorta. I can’t put it all on here cus someone I know reads y’all and it’s only a matter of time before he realizes he knows me. Damn you bastards for being popular!
Hostess I actually agree with you. My husband is required to deem me as being all of that and a cup of mocca magic. And treat me as such. And also must believe that together we are all of that times 2.
He is all of that to me.
@Hostess….just put your really “good” sh*t on here under another name (with no hyperlink)…that way you can contribute with the the “whaddafuggyoolookinat” freedom that is anonymous!
Yo! He quoted me something I’d written on HERE!!! It’s just a matter of time.
oh so he quoting you and sh*t….e-stalk much? lol…yeah you are going to have you change your name up for your TMI posts…and still post as Hostess too, you know to throw him off your trail…LOL…that’s good stuff…I thunk about cross-contamination when I had the URL as my text signature, but eff it…like Biggie said.. “if you don’t know, now you know, ni99a!”
Hosty great mantra.
1) Must think I’m the shyt.
2) Must think we’re the shyt.
3) Must be the shyt.
me thinkest thou art the shit however it is more important that you being the shit doesn’t rely on what others think. [...and i'm sure it doesn't]
I read this post last night…though I couldn’t see the contract completely until this morning (too small on the crackberry). But ol dude…just pure-d psycho from the word jump. His intended had to know she was dealing with a future serial-killer.
Anywhoo, I don’t really have a contract written out yet as (a) i’m doing the single thing. But if I did, it’d need to be basic and flexible…as typically, contracts are just MADE to be breached, thereby putting us in danger of having to dissolve the partnership. And there’s no need to dissolve the partnership on some bs, i.e., he (or I) broke rule 8, section 5, line 4.
If I were to get married one day, this would be all that I needed.
Cleaning….the entire house will be cleaned from top to bottom and we will work in the yard as a family on the 2nd Saturday of each month. Tell your boys you will see them later on. You want clean draws, I want a clean house….chop chop…
Sex…at all times, in all places. Have a job with an enclosed office and a door that locks. I like Funch, so should you.
Kids…want some. Love them.
Me & You…you respect what we have and you will be respected. Remember our vows and you will not come up missing.
“Have a job with an enclosed office and a door that locks. I like Funch, so should you.”
does a cubicle in a sparsely populated giant corner office work?
what about a copy room separated by a room divider?
‘does a cubicle in a sparsely populated giant corner office work?’ or ‘what about a copy room separated by a room divider?’
– YES!! You know I am the Recess Sex chick, so PDF (Public Displays of f*ckery) are ALL right with me.
Funch…haven’t heard that term in YEARS lol…good stuff it is…
Funch ???
lunch + f*cking
My Contract for My Husband
1. You are only allowed to play Madden for 2 hours every saturday afternoon after we run errands
2. You are only allowed to talk about cars, video games, weight lifting, and the like when in the presence of your friends.
3. Your friends/frat are not allowed to come over whenever they choose and eat up all our food
4. You can have one room in the house that you can choose to do anything with. That is where you will put all your greek paraphrenalia, old Michael Jordan posters and your Playstation 3
5. Your mother can visit once quarterly
6. The max amount of money that we can give to your eff up of a brother a year is $800.
7. You will be allowed to go out and stunt with your homeboys twice quarterly.
8. You can have any hobby that you want as long as it can be done in the backyard of the garage
9. You must be ready and willing to slang the D on call and without as inhibitions or reservations
10. The morning After our nightly trysts, you will not ask me about my freakyness the night before.
Oh yeah and the love, honor and protect stuff goes unsaid.
I like this:
“4. You can have one room in the house that you can choose to do anything with….”
preferably below ground..basement or sub-basement.
“5. Your mother can visit once quarterly”
damn…no love for mom dukes, lol
where is the clause that says when his balls will be removed?
I was thinking the same thing
10. The morning After our nightly trysts, you will not ask me about my freakyness the night before.
“Whatcha talking about Willis?”
LMAO
VRene-EXACTLY!!! I dont want to talk about it! I will do it and do it to the best of my ability, but you bet not mention it during our lunch time call the next day. More than one of my ex’s was surprised by how shy I was when it came to talking about the things Lola does. (Lola does all the stuff Suga would never do)
Dang Suga&Spice what’s that song about the guy talking about cheating on his girl with his girl.
What is it?? My mind is blank.
Dwele – Cheatin’
great song.
Thanks AsK.
I hated my mother-in-law. (May she R.I.P.)
But uh yeah, she was a hateful woman. Seeing her once a year was too many time for me.
One night she stayed at our house. We made sure she had everything she needed before we retired for the evening. Around 1am she comes bursting thru the door. Had she waited one more minutes she would have found her baby boy nursing. LOL
Yeah I said it. Yall got a problem with it.
“bursting thru the door”
boundaries boundaries boundaries…(may she RIP though) she didn’t knock???
No. She was just mean and hateful like that.
Then had the nerve to try to make a backhanded remark about it the next morning.
She came this >< close to getting her Harriett Tubman behind cussed out. My husband stopped me right at “…this is my gosh darn (nicely put for innanet sake) house.”
But yeah.
God rest her soul…I feel like when people die, even the mean ones…they get nice. She’s probably got your back now where she is.
wow. 1am?
She didn’t need nothing at 1am but an azz whooping.
my ex’s mom did that once, she only needed to see her son betwixt the thighs once to learn to knock.
My youngest walked in on us once. I just thank the Almighty up above that it was just good ole fashion man on top sex. Nature at its best. We make an effort to make certain the door is locked when it starts going beyond that. But them darn kids…they are supposed to be asleep at 1 and 2 in the morning. Old people too.
But yeah…
put a little nyquil in their milk at night… or benadryl… LOL I jest.
But I hear ya, when my neices used to stay over I would put a bell or noisemaker on their door so I knew when they were coming
hey there is a thought put a cow bell on your kids… LOL!
I kid you not, we actually have a small wind chime of my father-in-laws bedroom door. He suffers from dementia and has made the alarm go off twice over in the night opening the door to go outside. He also still wants to cook. We fear he may hurt himself or catch the house on fire so we have to monitor him at night. Speaking of which, he has a baby monitor in his room so that we can hear when he opens his door and the chimes ring.
Imagine sleeping with a baby monitor on your nightstand and ain’t no babies in the house. Can you fathom what it’s like trying to be intimate while listening to your f-i-l empty his 40 gallon bladder?
And folks would talk smack to me because I had two kids when my husband married me. Ha. I am in no way complaining, but he has yet to have to scrub a peed carpet after one of my boys had an accident. My sons were well out of diapers when we got married. His father is very close to being in them.
The things we (he and I) do for the one we love. Each other.
That’s what I was saying on how people interpret “to love, honor…” differently. You better make sure you are on the same page because you really don’t know what lies ahead.
nevermind.
@ Raqi, girl I would laugh but it almost brings me to tears. My parents are aging and not aging with great flair. Let’s just say my father is paying with interest for all his partying, playboy, drinking youthful days. Which is one of the major reasons I am moving away from them within the year, I refuse to get caught into taking care of them full time (if you seen Water for Chocolate than you know what I’m talking about), as their only daughter and being unmarried it would be my lot in life, but this is one cultural gender role I am surely not perpetuating. My BROTHER’S (two of which are single) are quite capable of taking care of them.
Raq says: “That’s what I was saying on how people interpret “to love, honor…” differently. You better make sure you are on the same page because you really don’t know what lies ahead.”
“Imagine sleeping with a baby monitor on your nightstand and ain’t no babies in the house. Can you fathom what it’s like trying to be intimate while listening to your f-i-l empty his 40 gallon bladder? ”
Raq many folks that i hear talk strengently about what they will and will not put up with just in considering whom to date much less marry lets me know they have no freaking idea of the realness that life will throw at them and how the things they claim they won’t do will change as life moves on.
you my friend have a firm as grip on reality and SEEM to be wrestling it very well.
Salute!
u are slowly becoming my favorite e-married compadre. thanks for sharing so in depth. a lot of people who don’t have the experience you have in dating, wifing, mothering and marriage should pay attention.
Intellectual it is what it is. My father-in-law is/was a good father to his sons. He is 83 now and lived a good life. I don’t mind him being in our house at all. But dealing with his aging and dementia is like dealing with a child now.
My brother in law has 2 babies (4 and 1) so we are in a better position to take him in. My oldest is in college and my youngest is 13. But he does take him some for a week sometimes. And then he has family in VA that they fly him to see and he’ll spend a week or so there.
Like I said I have no complaints but I do sneer at the very people who chose to make mention time and time again about me having two kids and my husband getting into a situation like that. He father requires more direct attention than my kids.
But it’s all good.
You should really rethink your stance on not wanting to deal with your aging father. No matter whose fault it is he is in the position he’s in, he is still your father.
That’s my humble opinion.
A little TMI, so read on but don’t say I didnt tell you.
Raqi~I love my parents (LAWD knows I do), but my father’s recent hospitalization proved to me that my brother’s are SHIFTLESS and need to step up into some responsibility.
I work 35 miles from home (my parents live five blocks from me). While my dad was hospitalized recently my younger brother would call me each day asking for the hospital report. Mind you he works for the phone company on a truck and can travel throughout the state at his leisure, my youngest brother (unemployed at the time) refused to go to the hospital because he “just couldn’t bare to see dad like that”, while my oldest just bounced to Florida with his gf.
So I had to go to the hospital early (before work to check on dad get the report speak to his doctor, confer with my friends who are doctors and nurses) then in the evening be the solace my mom was looking for and fill her in on what the doctors said and what options we have and that was after my daily, evening visit to my dad.
Needless to say, while I love my parents and I would give both lungs and kidneys to them. My brother’s need to step it up, did I mention my younger brother lives next door to my parents, the youngest one in 29 in case you were wondering and lives with my parents, and my older brother is a deadbeat to his own five children and causing unnecessary stress on my mom and dad as a result and also lives nest door to them. So guess who’s doing a little self preservation? That would be me. They get another 9 maybe 10 months of my excellent quality of life, and then I get some time for quality of life.
I don’t think its that I don’t want to deal with my dad’s failing health, I just need for them to help out and honestly in order for them to do that, I may have to not be here.
I think this also speaks to what you were saying about love honor and … with all of us having the potential for aging parents when we enter into a relationship its something that we really dont think about in terms of the other person’s parent. I know that I never did until my ex’s mom was living with us cause she got evicted out of her own place and even more so now that my parents are aging.
“put a little nyquil in their milk at night… or benadryl… LOL I jest.”
Hedo methinks you know more about administering this firsthand than you are willing to admit. jest my ass.
i did put a lil nyquil in some pepsi once for a lil boy. he was a cocblocker magnifique. his momma brought him over my apartment without telling me he was in tow. i had a roomate so he was babysitting him but that lil sucker kept crying and coming to my bedroom door knocking and whining and calling for his “mommy.” i had his mommy in a full nelson and she was loving it. so after he broke it up a few times and she went out to try and coddle the lil fu*k, i finally went out and mixed some pepsi and nyquil. after a few sips, he was dozing before i could leave the room.
i went back to the room and came off the ropes and hit “mommy” with a 450 flash. i’m talking about i caught air. anyways after the escepades he woke up intermittenly crying about having nightmares. we were in the bathroom with him and he was falling asleep standing up. i was young and stupid. May God forgive me. …but her dumb ass wanted it so bad she came over there with him. she knew better. even if i had known i would have turned her down. cum teef. living in vegas was very ahhh exciting for me. $50 round trip to LA. free champagne. catch the flyaway to Vanuys. i was…. how shall we say ahhh very close friends with my travel agent. older white cougar. good days i tell ya.
“cocblocker magnifique”
This HAS to be a t-shirt.
lol
@genius khan: i’m from vegas. .when did you live there ?
Ok I confess, once upon a time when returning from a family trip to Puerto Rico, I convinced my sis in law to give both of her daughters benadryl ( a little over the recommended dose) so they would fall asleep on the plane. They were 3 and 4 at the time.
And we all flew happily ever after.
kam i lived in vegas eons (over 10 yrs.) ago but i will be there for 5 days starting sep 18 next month. is KCEP, Thomas and Mac, Vegas nights still in biz?
Well I’ve been in DC now for 8 years but I am from there born and raised. Thomas and Mac still in business, KCEP, no … Vegas Nights.. NO
The town has changed.. but I am thinking of moving back soon..
my dad walked in on me once. luckily i had already put the watermelons away.
watermelons? were you in the kitchen? WTF?
to quote a great(ly misguided) man
“expound”
“watermelons? were you in the kitchen? WTF?
to quote a great(ly misguided) man
“expound””
i wish i could, but i, unmm, cant
Me, Myself and The Champ.
DAYUM!!! Your man can’t even BREATH without yo permission.
This is f-ing hilarious! Great list!
Oh heck I forget the ultimate agreement of them all:
WHATEVER IT WAS YOU DID TO GET ME, YOU MUST CONTINUE TO DO TO KEEP ME.
Capesh?!?!
i guess i’ll write up my own.
(note: my contract wont include stuff like “stay clean”, “dont steal my sh*t”, and “dont sleep with my cousin” because those are automatically givens)
1. dont get all ike austin (http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/cheat-shiiieeeeet/) on me.
to expound, if we were f*ckin twice a day when we first met, dont think its cool to start rationing the ass a year into the relationship. if you were 5’6, 140 when i met you, (unless you get sick or something) don’t be 95 or 195 pounds a year from now.
2. treat all people with courtesy and reasonable respect. even if you treat me like a king, i’ll lose respect for and eventually leave you if you treat every busdriver/waitress/secretary like they’re untouchables
3. although i’ll always treat you with respect, my love, devotion, and attraction to you probably won’t be unconditional, and i dont expect yours to be either. if my want to be in a relationship with you ceases, instead of acting out and/or stepping out, i will let you know so that you can find someone else to be with, and i’ll expect you to extend me the same courtesy.
Champ situation like #2 is stuff you would know already from dating. No?
But I do agree with #3. People say that it ain’t easy but I say that it is. Should I lose my desire for my husband I will tell him so when we don’t waste each other’s time. I hope he will do the same.
“Champ situation like #2 is stuff you would know already from dating. No?”
usually. but sometimes king treatment and frequent sex has a way of blinding you to shit
Yeah that good sex will have you speeding home at 4am in the morn so you will be there when your kids get up.
Slapping my own hand…bad, bad mother. LOL
“Yeah that good sex will have you speeding home at 4am in the morn so you will be there when your kids get up.”
i’m confused….
Sorry. I guess anyone would be if they didn’t know the entire situation. LOL
Before I married I had a no overnight guest rule when my boys were at home. So spending time with my SO entailed a lot of nights at his house and several hotel stays near my house. When my boys were away we would hang out at my house. Some nights we just needed to sleep together. Literally. Sleep. My first was old enough to stay home alone and watch his brother, however, I wanted to be home before they got up the next morning. That meant some times I would leave SO house around 4am-ish and sometimes he would have to drive me home.
Yeah I know, crazy. But it all worked out.
And now you know the rest of the story.
P.S. We got married 10 days after he proposed. No need to drag it out and keep having to do all of that. Let’s get our living together on.
Raq admits: “P.S. We got married 10 days after he proposed.”
very practical. substanitive and seems like without all the hoopla of horses and drawn carriages, wedding fiascos and for very very many a divorce and money flushed down the drain. i hope u and ur husband never have to endure a divorce debacle.
i keep saying this but ur gonna have to put me on ur FANTASY adultery team.
Genius we have known each other since high school. We dated 4-1/2 years. When we decided we wanted to marry each other, wasn’t no need to drag it out.
And yes I hope we can make it a last another 50+ years. 7-1/2 years together and counting.
“2. treat all people with courtesy and reasonable respect. even if you treat me like a king, i’ll lose respect for and eventually leave you if you treat every busdriver/waitress/secretary like they’re untouchables”
I second that emotion! Mean people suck!
Champ #2 is very insightful.
#3 is on point as well.
that sex shit in marriage is going to be a trip. keep living, you will see. the lessons you will gain about yourself and your partner surrounding sex will be profound. hear me now believe me later.
Honestly, I hate contracts. I say just go by the golden rule and be happy n shit.
ditto. Just makes the whole thing seem seedy
Hello but life is one big contract. BG&E expects you to pay your lite bill or the shyt WILL be turned off in return for payment YOU EXPECT electricity.
Same for relationships. There ARE some implied expectations ( social CONTRACTS) whereby if they don’t get met by either party…its over. My only exception is my Mama and maybe my Daddy. And Aunt Edna. Everybody else (and other family members even) get a social contract.
this is different. we making a list and checking it twice. its taken to a whole nutha level when you start making it legally binding. How can you call the first cat that did it an idiot then turn around and do the same thing and its ok? The list is made to be mocked. Altho ol dude did have some good ideas. the naked on demand thing…I have to say I like that one.
“this is different. we making a list and checking it twice. its taken to a whole nutha level when you start making it legally binding”
isnt that called divorce because of the break of an implied and written (marriage) contract. what ole boy put on paper, is what many people think and EXPECTto a varying degree.
so why was he widely mocked?
I was kind of thinking this did it:
“he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years..”
along with some of his UNREASONABLE expectations.
But as someone here pointed out sometimes the “relative ones” need to be clarified. Sometimes having a job and being fiscally smart is a negotiable…to others its not. The golden rule doesn’t always pass muster.
these contracts might not be so bad afterall
I guess its just the whole contract talk jus rubs me the wrong way. If I can do without the contract in anything I involve myself with I will do so. If I cant come to a mutual agreement without having to put my name on some paper I can get sued or screwed for then I don’t need it. I’m all for back room, under the table deals. Fuck legalities. I dont even like to sign off for UPS packages.
“If I cant come to a mutual agreement without having to put my name on some paper I can get sued or screwed for then I don’t need it.”
so how exactly do you get along in the world. You need a place to live, a car to drive…even the bus pass is a contract..try using it when it expires.
the only people who escape all of this are homeless…but even they got codes and rules.
I have a car to drive and a home to live in and even a job and have yet to sign my name to a contract for any of it.
So no sales contract (for the car) no lease or mortgage for your house????
can I move where you are?
I like the naked on demand also. I’m naked from the moment I get home until the moment i leave for work.
“I like the naked on demand also. I’m naked from the moment I get home until the moment i leave for work.”
**Installing hidden cam in shereign’s crib**
Yeah. Basically. However people tend to have different views on even what the golden rule says.
My husband and I are invited to attend couple seminars occasionally and you would be surprise as to how people interpretate different things. So sometimes you have express them outwardly to make sure you are on the same page.
And then in an instance like today, we just having fun and goofy off.
My husband and I are invited to attend couple seminars occasionally and you would be surprise as to how people interpretate different things.
girll I love you…but I got derailed after “interpretate”…lol
Yes interpretate. You know like conversate, ain’t no, yall, be like. Interpretate. LOL
“girll I love you…but I got derailed after “interpretate”…lol”
this made me laugh so hard i actually had to close my office door and i shed a few tears…
I forget to put “why come…?”.
Agreed, interpretations are a mfer. instead of just ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ it should be ‘do unto others as they want things to be done unto them’..okay horrible english, but i’m sure ya get what i’m saying.
I agree to. What breaks up relationships are when “contracts” aren’t communicated, agreed upon and or negotiated.
LOL at this dudes contract that is nuts. People are crazy.
My Requirements are as follows:
1. Believe in GOD
2. Believe in abstinance prior to marriage
3. Believe in family and that a real God Fearing Man is to be head of the household. And allow me to take my rightful position and be my queen beside me.
4. No smoking, no children, no cats, no bad credit (700+ is required or no credit at all)
5. Someone who reads actual books
No children ever or no prior children?
No children prior. I don’t date women who have children.
I feel you.
I feel him too, I try to date dudes w/o children, but this is becoming harder than chinese arithmetic.
I prefer to date men with children because I can’t have anymore.
Me and Conscience would never make it past the first 4 minutes of a date.
But I am sure he is a great guy.
I used to have the no children rule too… I just cant find a man my age without any (not to say they aren’t out there). It’s just that I shouldn’t have to travel across 3 state lines to date one
We are out here. Maybe you should try different social circles. No one in my immediate cirlcle of friends has children and we are all between the ages of 25-30.
and you are on average 10 years younger than I…
I have tried switching social circles, attending events that I usually wouldn’t, traveling alone, internet dating, meeting friends of friends, I can’t think of anything else at this moment.
“I can’t think of anything else at this moment.”
craigslist ads, speed-dating, porn auditions…i can keep going if you like
Okay…stop it….lol
***cowering and whispering***
I did the craiglist ad thing
**walking out embarrassed**
“No one in my immediate cirlcle of friends has children and we are all between the ages of 25-30.”
same here
This is what made me change my mind. As I just hit a milestone age (rhymes with dirty), I’ve realized that my chances are slim of finding a kat w/o any chirren.
I now have a 2 kids, 1 baby mama/ex wife maximum.
Lol. I just can’t give up on my rule. But I am a dude and options are greater for me so I understand you being more relaxed on your rule. I just feel that if I aint bringing kids to the table neither should the women I am dating.
I don’t blame you. I don’t have any, I don’t wanna date a dude that has any either. Sometimes you have to change up your standards. I’m not saying, I’ve given up the dream, but should I let an otherwise great guy fall by the wayside because he’s got some children…nah, not gonna happen.
I’ve dated plenty of guys with kids, and without kids. My ideal situation would be us having our own kids, but sometimes you don’t get your ideal situation.
“Jesus wept”
“But I am a dude and options are greater for me”
***extending congrats to the winner of this weeks “bluntly truthful” comment of the week award. your omelette is in the mail***
thank you…i relaxed that rule when i hit my milestone. and since i tend to attract/be attracted to slightly older cats, odds are they will probably have a child or two. i too have the two child max/one ex/baby moms minimum. any more than that…step to the next chica…ya ain’t bringin’ no unnecessary drama in my life.
A man/woman with children CAN work out…if the parent understands and prioritizes his responsbilities. I married my husband because I saw what a wonderful father and husband he was. Had he not had children before me, he would be a different cat altogether. Therefore, we married when I was 23 and he was 27 because life had grown him up past all the jazz that some men bring to the table.
I totally understand your take on dating people with children, but I urge you to take each situation for what it is.
Or not.
Carry on!
Actually, most of my single guy friends are child-free and they range from 25 to 40.
Interesting.
“Actually, most of my single guy friends are child-free and they range from 25 to 40.”
There is a PLETHORA of them down in the DMV…please get here if you’ve got a problem. With never married no kids 40ish men even. I always wonder if they have some type of committment or downloader-ish issues.
I always wonder if they have some type of committment or downloader-ish issues.
Can I buy a vowel?
for the hell of it…here’s mine:
1. don’t come short with my money.
2. above all else, you better bring my money bac…
oops. wrong contract.
*shuffling through papers*
a-ha. found it.
1. be who the f*ck you say you are. character trait. should be unspoken.
2. i’ll wash my own clothes. don’t even look at my clothes like you want to throw them in the washer and not use the right detergent and appropalate amount of bleach. if you don’t know what woolite is for and why its necessary…hell, if you don’t know what woolite is…stay away from my shi*t.
3. our house will be a kool-aid house. red is required. grape, is acceptable. green is tolerable. if you even THINK about thinking about bringing some Crystal Light up in the house, im calling the law offices of Simpson and Blake.
4. much like the Black Panthers, we must be organized. Ain’t gon’ be no messy homes. this is required. you marry me…you bet’ get you organizational skills on.
lol….thats all for now.
Panama I raised my sons on grape/lemonade mix. That’s what they drink ’til this day.
i’m a red fella myself. something about red kool-aid just says “sophistication” to me.
4. much like the Black Panthers, we must be organized. Ain’t gon’ be no messy homes. this is required. you marry me…you bet’ get you organizational skills on
Professionally, I am great at this. Personally, sometimes I just say eff it. This is probably one of those things I need to put on my self improvment list.
I had friend that used to argue with me that Flavor Aid tasted the same as Kool-Aid.
I told her she hadn’t yet lived.
What the heck is flavor-aid? Is that the equivalent of the soda that just says “Grape” on the label?
@ Luvvie—all I know is that ish is nasty.
Straight up generic. I don’t even taste right.
you know somethings wrong when folks buy generic kool-aid…that shit is already 10 for a dollar.
my Dad just about beat me when we brought FlavorAid in the house casue it was on sale. His thing was he felt like even tho we were not rich we shouldnt get anything generic cause we were not on food stamps either. The only store brand we could get was sugar.
@Deviant
Your Dad was serious about his refreshments I see.
I don’t blame him. Have you tasted that ish?
Flavor Aid tastes like straight up Red Dye No. 5 and talc powder.
not the talc powder!!!!
Yep and it stains fingers and clothes like nothing else. I’d rather drink stale water…
LMAO!!! Not TALC POWDER!!
I haven’t had Kool Aid in so long I forgot what it tastes like. That is my homework for the week. Introduce my neices to good ole fashion RED Kool Aid (the kind in the packet, not that premixed stuff they get; cause you know it don’t have nearly enough sugar in it)
I stopped buying it a few years ago when I started trying to eating better. So I haven’t had any in my house for years. I had some last about 6 months ago. We went to the round the way BBQ place and they had grape kool-aid out next to the sweet tea. I was in heaven!!!
“I haven’t had Kool Aid in so long I forgot what it tastes like. ”
…and I’M supposed to be the one who lives in a cave?
HOW can you forget the taste of Kool-Aid?? I thought all Black folk had the Kool-Aid gene? I know folks that can sense a new pitcher of Red Kool-Aid being stirred miles away.
“I know folks that can sense a new pitcher of Red Kool-Aid being stirred miles away.”
a friend of mine thought i was crazy when i told her that each kool-aid flavor has a very distinct smell. i’m like a bloodhound when it comes to that ish
P is for Pimping! (1st Paid 2nd and then pu**y)
(shuffles papers) funny shit!
my nicca doesn’t want his clothes messed up. i feel ya. ima a lightweight clothes hog too. you’d be suprised the level of persnicketiness people have when it comes to clothes washing, house cleaning and even bath soap. it’s funny trying to merge two diff lifestyles.
organization is a must. i hate approaching shit all willy nilly especially when someone else is involved and it’s potentially wasting my time and money etc.
i feel you homey.
LOL!
I’m not even surprised by this list whatsoever.
My contract is simple…….
1.) Be yourself and keep it 100 at all times
2.) Don’t be mad if “yourself” is something I can’t tolerate and I have to move on.
I don’t want a woman that I have to tell how I want her to behave all the time. I want someone who just naturally is the way I like her to be.
I don’t want a woman that I have to tell how I want her to behave all the time. I want someone who just naturally is the way I like her to be.
There it is right there, just change the woman/her to man/him for me. I’ve heard many a man express this feeling and I finally agree.
Buck this would be ideal:
“I don’t want a woman that I have to tell how I want her to behave all the time. I want someone who just naturally is the way I like her to be.
but it’s the difference between reality and the ideal that’s gonna get all of us. (however it does keep shit intresting)
i like this one here…real simple and basic. no misconceptions or confusion about thangs…
My list is simple and, in my mind, takes into account all of the other basic things:
1. Make it your business to get to know , understand my point of view and respect that view (compatibility is key to me)
2. When it comes to our relationship act like a doctor and ‘do no harm’. Use what you know about me to strengthen our relationship, not test it.
Seek to understand then be understood (Covey)
Do the most good
I love it
This is my favorite of the 7. If more people applied this to life all kinds of relationships would be easier.
@Suga~ aint it the truth, it’s the reason I am still sane! I apply it to ALL relationships, even my dysfunctional family and friends
ForReal says:
“Use what you know about me to strengthen our relationship, not test it.”
in my observations and experience women are notorious for administering unscrupulous tests on men that hardly prove anything really but to them its earth shattering research into the soul of a man.
My Contract for my Hubby
———————————
1. I’ve been 5’4, 120 lbs for bout 5 years (although I fux with food and eat like a linebacker). Aint NO reason for YOU to gain 40 lbs in 2 years. I keeps mine TIGHT, so you keep urs too.
2. Find chivalry, wake his ass up, and treat me like the Queen that I am.
Shit, I’d even settle for you just opening the car door for me first if its winter.
3. My closet game is tight. Please have some sense of style b/c if you the kind that rocks flannel shirts with plaid shorts and dress shoes, I won’t even claim you.
4. Be funny. Not funny acting, just FUNNY. If you can’t make me laugh, I have no use for you.
5. Respect my need for space. As I’ve said before, I got shit to do. I have no time to be PERPETUALLY under your nutsack. We don’t ALWAYS need to be together. I gotta kick it w/ the girls, hang w/ the fam… I’m needed places.
When I do see you, I will make up for it
luv u for #5 Luvvie wit ya lil petite ass.
“5. Respect my need for space. As I’ve said before, I got shit to do. I have no time to be PERPETUALLY under your nutsack. We don’t ALWAYS need to be together. I gotta kick it w/ the girls, hang w/ the fam… I’m needed places.”
niccas is way too co-dependent, i feel ya. LOL!
“5. Respect my need for space. As I’ve said before, I got shit to do. I have no time to be PERPETUALLY under your nutsack. We don’t ALWAYS need to be together. I gotta kick it w/ the girls, hang w/ the fam… I’m needed places. ”
I feel ya.
Have something to do outside of me mayne.
“5. Respect my need for space. As I’ve said before, I got shit to do. I have no time to be PERPETUALLY under your nutsack. We don’t ALWAYS need to be together. I gotta kick it w/ the girls, hang w/ the fam… I’m needed places. ”
I fired a dude for violating this one…shoooot. I may have said this before, but um, I don’t do NEEDY.
1. Appreciate me. When I clean your bathroom say thank you.
2. Don’t be afraid to be romantic; plan a nice dinner. Don’t throw the take out menu to me and say “whatcha want?”
3. Wash frequently down there; keep it groomed and nice looking. How do you expect me to put my face anywhere near that area if you wouldn’t?
4. Don’t be afraid to get a little rough; when I come out of the shower, pick me up, position me against the wall and have your way with me. Don’t think I can’t handle it because I’m a small girl.
5. Spend time with my family. Don’t be annoyed by my nieces asking you for piggy back rides. They are adorable; enjoy it.
6. Don’t talk ish about my friends. I don’t complain about your 20 something year old male friends still living at home with their mamas.
7. And yes, give me some space. When I get home from work, don’t be all up on me. I smell like the 1 train. And even if you dont think so, I still feel icky. I can’t even begin to feel sexy and comfortable with myself unless I am clean. So let me shower… let me breathe. Then I am all yours.
laylah says:
#4. Don’t be afraid to get a little rough; when I come out of the shower, pick me up, position me against the wall and have your way with me. Don’t think I can’t handle it because I’m a small girl.
Hell yes don’t worry i got u! mmm with women big things do often come in lil pkgs. snatch you like a rag doll. u have a special place in my hard.
“3. Wash frequently down there; keep it groomed and nice looking. How do you expect me to put my face anywhere near that area if you wouldn’t?”
i don’t care if my willie has been sanitized by a bio waste team with antibacterial and antimicrobial solutions, i’m finding it hard to imagine licking my own willie. …but yours cooch another story. (clean of course, not necessary clinical)
dogs lick themselves and other animals but vsb’ers:
would you lick and suck ur private areas if you could?
(probably some of u can and perhaps do)
LMBAO!
you are so silly. you know what i meant… If i ever smelled how he smelled, his face would never come near my girl goodies… but i wouldnt because im slightly obsessed with cleanliness and things that smell good. if i thought i wasn’t fresh, i certainly wouldn’t be hinting to him to take a trip down there. gentlemen… please take note.
“Appreciate me.”
wow. a t-shirt quote with her (i think) first comment. impressive stuff
“4. Don’t be afraid to get a little rough; when I come out of the shower, pick me up, position me against the wall and have your way with me. Don’t think I can’t handle it because I’m a small girl.”
…famous last words.
“7. When I get home from work, don’t be all up on me. I smell like the 1 train. And even if you don’t think so, I still feel icky. I can’t even begin to feel sexy and comfortable with myself unless I am clean. So let me shower… let me breathe. Then I am all yours.”
this is definitely going on my contract; except i’d replace the 1 train with the 50 ripe ass strangers i had to play twister with on the 720 express. shower- STAT!
The other lists I have seen so far have been on point, I like my space, like a man who can read and actually hold and intelligent conversation, and knows how to clean. Those are things I’d figure out within a month though, so no way he’s making it past the one year if thats not in place.
The only other things I would have to ask for are:
1. Must be affectionate, give good hugs and good kisses. Must like to hold hands and generally be a sweet guy. For me, it seems like men who are more in tune with their affectionate side are also good fathers.
2. Must know how to preform simple man duties, change oil, fix a flat tire, know how to jump start a car, and generally be good around the house. If you’re affraid of spiders, mice, or simple sht like squirrels please do not apply for marriage cuz it aint gonna work out.
3. Act like you know how to pay bills ontime. If your cell phone is frequently off or you have issues with your car insurance then you cant be trusted with gas/lights/mortgage.
Other than those, I think I can be pretty flexible.
“If you’re affraid of spiders, mice, or simple sht like squirrels please do not apply for marriage cuz it aint gonna work out.”
I totally forgot to add this. This is so important it should be at the top of my list. I have an irrational fear of creepy-crawly things that is only rivaled by my more rational fear of being caught screaming like a bish and running away.
oh yes, simple man duties are a must! i shouldnt have to call up my daddy asking him to fix something if your ass is sitting right next to me!!
For real, I’m already calling my Dad to change my turn signal lights and ish…
I’m sure he’s ready for me to bother someone else with that ish.
“simple sht like squirrels”
obviously you’ve never seen any pittsburgh squirrels. those sh*ts are like hyenas
We aint even gotta talk about NY squirrels… Everyone knows that you don’t approach a NY squirrel without back-up. Last man who tried that got hog-tied and sexually violated by a gang of those furry sh*ts.
LMFAO!!! i ran from some this morning. seriously.
LOL! Good, I’m glad you ran. No sense in being a hero. I would hate to read about another casualty.
@ D~ the people in my IT department want to know how I got Coca Cola all over my new flat monitor and ergonomic keyboard, I referred them to you, expect a call.
No I havent seen Pittsburghs rodents. But even if they were huge I’d still laugh at a grown man who was afraid of them.
“No I havent seen Pittsburghs rodents. But even if they were huge I’d still laugh at a grown man who was afraid of them.”
…and while i’m running and you’re standing there laughing one of those mutant rodents will jump in your mouth
“2. Must know how to preform simple man duties, change oil, fix a flat tire, know how to jump start a car,”
umm …hi….is there a class for this…like at Home depot…plumbing/plastering/painting 101 (GK…no need to interject here).
And since the hell when was changing CAR oil easy??? out of all that. I MAY could jump start a car. But changing my own tire???? BOOOOO BOOOOOO and BOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Thats the thing, I dont think women should need to know how to do this. Its nice, its a plus. But a man needs to know how to do those things.
Sexist, yes but also practical.
Changing a tire is a must-know for every woman. I refuse to be stranded waiting for someone to come change my tire. Too many sickos out there. I’m scurred.
“Changing a tire is a must-know for every woman.”
Yes I think you must know how to direct someone, where the spare is, you MUST know how to call road side assistancce (if your boyfriend/father/uncle is not near). And you MUST know where the wheel lock (if applicable) is.
And you must know how to wait your azz in the car with the doors locked while help is on its way…if on the wrong side of town.
So you also live by the rule that cooking and cleaning is exclusively a woman’s job?
So you also live by the rule that cooking and cleaning is exclusively a woman’s job?
no thats merry maid and takeout’s job…
JK…no im not…yes I am…no I’m not. Yes I am.
I am a traditionalist (a little). I do like to cook, because I can. And I watch alot of martha stewart, barefoot contessa…and other “domestic porn”. Becuase I think that a comfortable and organized home is a successful one.
I think changing a tire for me and most women is not recommended. I went to an all woman’s college SOOO..Im all for autonomy and being self-directed and preserved..
but tire changes….putting that little kickstand under a car and pumping up a 5000LB vehicle on the side of a major hwy, street or in a not so safe neighborhood, is not something as A WOMAN (hear me roar) is important.
I have the life skills to AID in fixing ALL of my situations, but I don’t think I acutally need to be REQUIRED to change the flat on my car.
“Changing a tire is a must-know for every woman.”
I don’t know if it’s must-know. I mean, I know how to, my Dad made sure I learned. How many times have I actually changed the tire though? Twice.
Only because I absolutely had NO choice.
If given a choice I will call someone else to do that, preferably one of my brothers or the man in my life.
That ish is way overrated.
I will respond differently to you than I did to Comeback using your response.
Cooking is something a man should learn to do because he may never get married and have to do it for himself. And even if he does get married, he still may have to do it on occasions. I agree.
The same with learning how to do the basic man stuff. Learn even if you never have to use it. But one day you just may be glad you did.
Amen!
I’ve said this in a previous post.
My father refused to let me get a license until I knew how to change a flat tire, check my oil, and jump a car. Though I do sit in my car and wait for roadside assistance, I know how to do it, will do it and have done it.
He also showed and I assisted him in changing my brakes, changing my oil, and coolant.
YESSS!! My man NEEDS good credit. I hold my credit score as a bragging right. You can’t be messing w/ a 300 credit score and think it’s gon work. I refuse to make excuses for you when the bill collector calls. I WILL give them ur work schedule and tell them to do what they gotta do.
Thats so cold!
Hmm, this seems like “deal breakers” all over again. My list is fairly short, but really specific:
1. No smoking, no cats. I’m allergic to both.
2. Realize that my friends are my family, since the majority of my immediately family has passed away.
3. Know the difference between a discussion and an argument. I love a great debate, but I can respect that we don’t have the same views on everything. Please do the same.
4. Be aware that a relationship is an investment – please don’t waste my time, and I promise not to waste yours.
2. Realize that my friends are my family, since the majority of my immediately family has passed away.
This is major to me as well. My family hasnt passed away but none of them live near me so my friends fill that position. We are very close and even refer to ourselves as ‘The Fam’
I HATE the smell of smoke. Such a turnoff.
And cats are bitches. lol
My husband has never smoked cigarettes thank God. But I loath kissing Carlos Torano when I am caught off guard. Yuck.
These contracts just seem to be extensions of dealmaker/dealbreaker lists. They don’t seem to be actual contracts.
A contract is a document that specifies the services that both parties will provide to each other. For example, I will lick p*ssy every night at 10:30pm in exchange for d*ck sucking at 11:00pm.
So far, these have been unilateral demands.
“For example, I will lick p*ssy every night at 10:30pm in exchange for d*ck sucking at 11:00pm.”
your real name isnt travis fray, is it?
Of course not. My name is Fravis Tray. I have nothing to do with that despicable character!
Ok, here’s a couple of commandments for that @ss! Sorry if any of these are duplicative.
Thou shalt try thy motherf*ckin’ best. This should be applied to attitude, cooking, communication, affection, s*x, EVERTYHING!
Thou shalt be sexy. At least 70% of the time. Cause at the end of the day I’m a n*gga who sometimes likes to objectify his wife (ie booty smack or statements such as “damn girl, NICE RACK!”)
Thou shalt flirt back with me/objectify me too. Just cause I like that sh*t and I don’t want to be the only one doing all of the groping…that’s just pathetic.
Thou shalt treat my mama’s crazy @ss with respect (unless she really gets out of pocket…then all bets are off). At the end of the day she’s still my mama.
Thou shalt discuss politics in the morning and give a lap dance in the evening (if needed).
Thou shalt never let thine hair look a mess. In other words respeck yo’ self.
i feel that. sometimes i want to be objectified. i kinda like it (in private though, in private).
The thing about “sexy” is sometimes you just don’t know that it is until it is.
I never would have thought I would find it sexy to see my husband down on the floor stacking mega blocks with my grandson. When it I saw then it was. Cashmere kitty 2nd the motion.
LOL! True…I saw my wife using a breast pump for the first time and to my surprise I almost took my own eye out. There was something about all of that gadgetry hooked up to those engorged mammary mellons that was sexy as hell!
There was something about all of that gadgetry hooked up to those engorged mammary mellons that was sexy as hell!
(smh) damn D…it’s called therapy…
LMAO!!! yeah…ummm…I’ll be quiet now.
you forgot thou shalt reciprocate, that would have taken care of all the items on your list
LMAO! Great observation… I just reread my list and you are absolutely right. I just want reciprocity. (I don’t do the whole lap dance thing though)
Really? Would you do a strip tease if she asked?
Yes… but only if I am equipped with my elephant trunk g-string with the sequens, a strobe light and “pony” (by ginuwine) playing in the background.
email me your address so I can mail you my stash. Would you like the retractable pole too? And, do you own your own cowboy boots? Make sure you tape it and post on youtube
your list ROCKS! plain and simple!
D*Scroy says:
“Thou shalt try thy motherf*ckin’ best. This should be applied to attitude, cooking, communication, affection, s*x, EVERTYHING! ”
thats right nobody wants to deal wit some half hearted bullsh*t. you’re not doing me any favors when you do. …all resentful and non caring and shit. fu*k is that. gotta have a good sincere attitude and give genuine effort. (cross the board)
good 1 D*Scribe!
Yo, by the way, I took a look at Goodeness’ blog today and she has this dope poetic post on there. A must read.
D*Baby~How’s lil C?
Hey IH! She is doing very well. Thank you for asking. She is peaceful and pleasant throughout the day but at night is when she gets wild. I couldn’t really fathom what people meant when they said that I wouldn’t get any sleep. I was like “that’s dum…how can you not get ANY sleep?” The sh*t was true. no sleep. at all.
D*Stroy…thanks for the blog-o-philia…I ‘preciate it and sh*t…unfortunately married men are ineligible for the “head-worthy comment of the day” award…but since the committee values your patronage (and in the interest of fairness) you may submit the name of a single (straight) man to accept your award in your place… LMAO
“you may submit the name of a single (straight) man to accept your award in your place… ”
I’d rather die before I just hand over my headworthy comment award to another n*gga. If I can’t have it, nobody can!
“I’d rather die before I just hand over my headworthy comment award to another n*gga. If I can’t have it, nobody can!”
it aint no fun, if the vsb homies cant have none
Genius we ran outta space so Imma jump down here and talk to you.
I come from the world of **it happens. And you never know when it will. I love that man of mine and I have no doubt that he loves.
But I will not take all of the good spouse credit because he has come thru for me on many occasions. My youngest son has a head injury from a few years back and to this day he gets really bad headaches. My husband has taken time from work when I couldn’t to stay home with him. He has even taken him to doctor appts for me. And my son’s father is active in his life. But my marido does it for me. He tells me sometimes that I don’t have to call my son’s father. He’ll do what needs to be done.
And he is a great father to my knucklehead oldest son. He helped me deal with my son being a teenage father. And continually school him on what it means to be a man. When the boy moved away to college my marido told him he will never move back home. A does not go backwards. Other than holidays and school breaks he will live on his own. He said before he allow that he will help him financially to stand on his own feet. Even if it means giving him a job.
I know I am talking a lot today…
I get like that sometimes.
Raqi,
It sounds like you got a real keeper. The part that is refreshing is that it sounds like you know it. I hate when women don’t appreciate a man that is good to them.
D*Boy he can be real moody and demanding sometimes and I have had friends and a few coworkers ask me how can I take that.
Well I take with the same measure of grace that I take having him pay the mortgage, property taxes and one of my personal credit cards out of his personal account. As well as contributing to the joint account that takes care of all other household bills. Aside from him being fun to be around. Loving, caring, blah, blah, blah, intimately accommodating and attentive, blah, blah, blah.
And besides he didn’t marry the calmest most meek and humble woman in America. I am a piece of work. Or so I have been told.
Why do chicks always see the worst in their homegirl’s man?! AND it always seems like its the ones who don’t have relationships that are the most judgemental.
R you know when I was with the ex his family used to say the same thing….Always complimenting me on how wonderful I am and what a great companion blah, blah blah, one day after Thanksgiving Dinner I told one of his aunts “I’m a bitch, you just see me when I’m on my best behavior, he sees me at my worst, at my weakest, my most insecure, when I’m irate, and on a tirade” we compliment(ed) each other and reciprocate(d). That worked, until it didn’t
all i can say is that my only requirements are for her to be open and honest about everything!! if you aren’t happy, tell me why so we can fix it!! if you have reservations about something, tell me about it because i might have the same reservations!! if you aren’t getting the attention you need, let me know so i can change my schedule around to accomodate your needs!! and give me the opportunity to fix what ever it is that needs to be fixed before you decide to let someone else occupy the time that i want to enjoy with you!!! and if there is someone else, let me know so i won’t look like the fool when i’m thinking one thing and everyone else knows the truth!! forgive me right now!!! just went through a breakup!! but i’m okay as long as she is happy with her decision and with him!!!
I haven’t had the chance to read through all the comments but I showed an Egyptian friend of mine the marriage contact and he wondered why there was such a negative reaction to the husband’s request. (He also finds this website to be VERY interesting LOL) He indicated to me that it’s the wife’s duty to please her husband and do whatever is necessary to make him happyand it is his job to provide for the family. He believes that women these days are too “free” and don’t understand the value of having a husband. He blames feminism and Western culture polluting the minds of women everywhere. Needless to say we go into a heated debate about gender roles and equality within a marriage. However I did step back and realize that his position was influcenced by his culture. Then I shut my ass up since he was taking me to Luxor and could have easily dropped my ass off in the middle of the desert LOL.
BTW I wanted to add that my issue with the marriage contract is that the husband was coming from a position of selfishness and degregation. His wife is not an animal or a piece of property but a human being; therefore she deserves respect and love from her husband, not to be treated like some kind of porn star. Husbands and wifes should have a honest discussion about marital duties and expectations but a contract about sexuality activities seems really excessive. Those issues should be worked out prior to getting married. I also wonder if this woman had any idea what kind of sick bastard she was committing herself to. That contract alone should be a huge red flag that the man she is married to isn’t wrapped right.
Pingback: Recent Links Tagged With "smokinggun" - JabberTags