Theory & Essay

link of the week: its too big, its too wide…

kanye-west-8-15-07as you all probably know by now, i’m the sh*t.

don’t be mad at me, though. i can’t help it, and even if i could, i probably wouldn’t. it seems like it’d be too time-consuming

still, while being the sh*t has its obvious perks and bonuses (ie: free chicken from starbucks and the inherent ability to switch stations back the exact moment the commercial is over), i’m actually a bit over my sh*ttyness now because apparently everyone else thinks they’re the sh*t too. bummer

between our blogs, twitters, facebook accounts, smart phones, ironic pseudonyms, unironic tattoos, concentrated tastes, and highly specialized professional skill-sets, we have enough collective self-importance to fill aretha’s bras.

download narc dvd

while extensive ego-stroking is undoubtedly fun and surprisingly practical (i’ve become quite adept at one-handed typing), hannah seligson’s “do narcissists have better sex” presents evidence that this me-me-me mindset is ruining relationships:

The most recent research on narcissism runs contrary to what the legions of self-help experts have proselytized when it comes to finding love—that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. (jean) Twenge says that’s a fallacy. “There is no evidence that people with very high self-esteem are any better in a relationship than people with low self-esteem.”

In fact, narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.

“Everyone is looking for ‘the perfect product,’” says Perel, who says she believes this is creating not just emotional, but also sexual, frustration. “People are not willing to compromise, or willing to be patient.”

while i definitely agree that too much self-regard ruins romance (“cockiness” and “the ability to compromise” mix like black and bleach

download paris texas

download american pie presents beta house

) i can’t help but think that this pandemic hyper-haughtiness is just an evolved form of self-preservation.

i think that we’ve seen so many blah relationships and broken families that we’ve collectively lost confidence in each other, transforming do you from an highly egocentric mantra to an imperative must.

vaingloriousness is somewhat justified if you honestly (and rightly) feel helplessly vulnerable without it.

people of vsb.com, what do you think?

is this selfishness self-sabotaging ourselves, or is this conceitedness crucial to surviving now? (or both?) the carpet’s yours and sh*t.

now, please excuse me while i continue getting over my own sh*ttyness. don’t wait up. this might take a while.

—the champ


Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • overit

    the carpet’s yours and sh*t.

    *hoping for an airbed tomorrow*

    • overit

      @overit, “they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”

      they mean the hair of jay-z, THAT would be ideal, lol.

      when i read pandemic i heard “pandemic!’ (The Wire) in my head.

      The selfishness and the ego stroking pop culture promotes is def self sabotaging, life does not work that way and just like drugs, its a quick fix you WILL crash from eventually. What then? Its damaging to relationships at home to work..in short, its damaging. And I’m OVERIT!

      nighty night midnight crew:)

      • Me fail english?

        @overit,
        “when i read pandemic i heard “pandemic!’ (The Wire) in my head.”

        LOL.

      • Me fail english?

        @overit,
        “when i read pandemic i heard “pandemic!’ (The Wire) in my head.”

        LOL.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @overit,

        when i read pandemic i heard “pandemic!’ (The Wire) in my head.

        one vsb-er whose name i won’t reveal told me she thought someone was outside of her door screaming “pandemic” until she realized it was coming from the tv.

        needless to say, some very smart sistas are less smart than others

        • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

          @The Champ, needless to say, some very smart sistas are less smart than others

          iDied. u know u ain’t right Champ.

        • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

          @The Champ, needless to say, some very smart sistas are less smart than others

          iDied. u know u ain’t right Champ.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @overit,

        when i read pandemic i heard “pandemic!’ (The Wire) in my head.

        one vsb-er whose name i won’t reveal told me she thought someone was outside of her door screaming “pandemic” until she realized it was coming from the tv.

        needless to say, some very smart sistas are less smart than others

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @overit, they mean the hair of jay-z, THAT would be ideal, lol.

        is this jay before or after the Great Post D.O.A. Haircut of 2009?

        • overit?

          @Panama Jackson, before of course! lmao.

          btw, what’s poppin on U st. this weekend?

        • overit?

          @Panama Jackson, before of course! lmao.

          btw, what’s poppin on U st. this weekend?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @overit, they mean the hair of jay-z, THAT would be ideal, lol.

        is this jay before or after the Great Post D.O.A. Haircut of 2009?

    • overit

      @overit, “they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”

      they mean the hair of jay-z, THAT would be ideal, lol.

      when i read pandemic i heard “pandemic!’ (The Wire) in my head.

      The selfishness and the ego stroking pop culture promotes is def self sabotaging, life does not work that way and just like drugs, its a quick fix you WILL crash from eventually. What then? Its damaging to relationships at home to work..in short, its damaging. And I’m OVERIT!

      nighty night midnight crew:)

    • JamaicanGirl

      @overit, or at least a blanket and a pillow…….

      • overit?

        @JamaicanGirl, you know? people are just out here rude and unapologetic.

      • overit?

        @JamaicanGirl, you know? people are just out here rude and unapologetic.

    • JamaicanGirl

      @overit, or at least a blanket and a pillow…….

  • overit

    the carpet’s yours and sh*t.

    *hoping for an airbed tomorrow*

  • http://sia682@mac.com Miss Sia

    Nope. If I dont love me, then who will? You wont love me like I want you to. So…

    Aint nothin wrong with a lil selfishness. It just cant take over the entire relationship, otherwise Im out. You gotta believe in yourself first and foremost or I dont even cast you a side-glance.

    All things in moderation I guess…

    • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

      @Miss Sia,

      I agree the moderation part is important . If you are only about self how do expect a marriage or shacking relationship to survive? It will implode faster than a unicorn can leap over a dream… lol… At the end of the day it is about balance. time & place…

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @Naturally Alise,
        yay!! the unicorns are back!! where are the leprechauns, centaurs and albino midgets?

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @blackberry molasses,

          where are the leprechauns, centaurs and albino midgets?

          look under your bed

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @blackberry molasses,

          where are the leprechauns, centaurs and albino midgets?

          look under your bed

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @Naturally Alise,
        yay!! the unicorns are back!! where are the leprechauns, centaurs and albino midgets?

    • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

      @Miss Sia,

      I agree the moderation part is important . If you are only about self how do expect a marriage or shacking relationship to survive? It will implode faster than a unicorn can leap over a dream… lol… At the end of the day it is about balance. time & place…

    • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

      @Miss Sia,

      Not being rude, but to love oneself is almost an oxymoron. To love means to give. To give to oneself, means to be selfish. lol.

      Sure, there are other aspects of love such as temperament and what not. But that whole loving yourself thing is maybe the most narcissistic of them all. Maybe you shouldn’t allow yourself to be treated poorly, and you should do thing to keep yourself together … but love means to give. IDK, just my thoughts.

      • Me fail english?

        @thismayconcernyou,

        “To love means to give.”

        Says who? For you, maybe. For others, not so much.

        The way I see it, most love comes from a self-interested (I guess “selfish” is the word VSB wants to use today- fine with me, though the connotation sounds negative) place so I really don’t see what’s so oxymoronic about loving oneself.

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

          @Me fail english?,

          Agreed.

          To love does not ONLY mean to give. When we love, we tend to give but that is not the sole purpose or definition of love.

          And why not give to oneself? To give time, hope, support, compassion, fun to oneself is absolutely not oxymoronic… at least in my book.

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

          @Me fail english?,

          Agreed.

          To love does not ONLY mean to give. When we love, we tend to give but that is not the sole purpose or definition of love.

          And why not give to oneself? To give time, hope, support, compassion, fun to oneself is absolutely not oxymoronic… at least in my book.

        • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

          @Me fail english?,

          I think y’all are missing my point. I understand that there are other aspects of love … like I said. But the first and most important aspect of love is to give. People try to have their own definitions … But if you’re a Christian, then the definition put before you is there …

          “For God so loved the world that ‘he gave.'”

          Like I said, there are many other aspects … the things that you give: patience, temperance, no hate, etc. … but the definition is there. Giving is where it starts.

          And giving to yourself, isn’t the answer.

          • Me fail english?

            @thismayconcernyou,

            “But if you’re a Christian, then the definition put before you is there …”

            I am Christian. And that’s TOTALLY not the way I interpret that passage. But I won’t get into that there. I’ll only say that the verse you cited is NOT a definition so much as it’s a display/demonstration of love. We all have different definitions, so no need for me to cite Psalms.

            I’ve given time, support, compassion, etc to people that I did NOT love. That’s the type of person I am. And I LOVE that about myself ;)

            I think a better question would be how do you define “oxymoron”, because if I’m not mistaken, there’s nothing oxymoronic or even ironic about “self love” or even “selfish love”.

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

              @Me fail english?,

              we are so —><— today.
              are you inside my brain?
              vacate the premises or start payin rent!!!!

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

              @Me fail english?,

              we are so —><— today.
              are you inside my brain?
              vacate the premises or start payin rent!!!!

            • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

              @Me fail english?,

              You’re definitely free to believe what you want. And I’m definitely no genius nor omniscient … but I’m almost certain that most every pastor/bishop you cross would tell you that the definition of love starts with giving.

              IDK. Maybe it’s just semantics, but I’ve grown to laugh at the idea of “loving yourself” because it’s “selfish.” I get it, though.

              No biggie, though. Good discussion.

            • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

              @Me fail english?,

              You’re definitely free to believe what you want. And I’m definitely no genius nor omniscient … but I’m almost certain that most every pastor/bishop you cross would tell you that the definition of love starts with giving.

              IDK. Maybe it’s just semantics, but I’ve grown to laugh at the idea of “loving yourself” because it’s “selfish.” I get it, though.

              No biggie, though. Good discussion.

            • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

              @blackberry molasses,

              Yeah, me fail is a serial brain invader. She was moonwalking on my cerebellum yesterday.

              Oh, and also, co-sign, me fail!

            • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

              @blackberry molasses,

              Yeah, me fail is a serial brain invader. She was moonwalking on my cerebellum yesterday.

              Oh, and also, co-sign, me fail!

            • Me fail english?

              @blackberry molasses,

              Rent?! In this recession? Pshaw!

              *erects entire shantytown on BBMo’s cerebrum*

            • Me fail english?

              @blackberry molasses,

              Rent?! In this recession? Pshaw!

              *erects entire shantytown on BBMo’s cerebrum*

            • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

              @Me fail english?,
              im baptist

            • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

              @Me fail english?,
              im baptist

            • overit?

              @Me fail english?, you have been on point a lot lately:)

            • overit?

              @Me fail english?, you have been on point a lot lately:)

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

              @Me fail english?,

              aight, that’s the way you wanna play? i’m cutting the electric, water and gas.

              *grumbles* she ain’t gon’ have fiddy-leven people livin all up in MY cerebrum that ain’t paying fo shyt.

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

              @Me fail english?,

              aight, that’s the way you wanna play? i’m cutting the electric, water and gas.

              *grumbles* she ain’t gon’ have fiddy-leven people livin all up in MY cerebrum that ain’t paying fo shyt.

          • Me fail english?

            @thismayconcernyou,

            “But if you’re a Christian, then the definition put before you is there …”

            I am Christian. And that’s TOTALLY not the way I interpret that passage. But I won’t get into that there. I’ll only say that the verse you cited is NOT a definition so much as it’s a display/demonstration of love. We all have different definitions, so no need for me to cite Psalms.

            I’ve given time, support, compassion, etc to people that I did NOT love. That’s the type of person I am. And I LOVE that about myself ;)

            I think a better question would be how do you define “oxymoron”, because if I’m not mistaken, there’s nothing oxymoronic or even ironic about “self love” or even “selfish love”.

        • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

          @Me fail english?,

          I think y’all are missing my point. I understand that there are other aspects of love … like I said. But the first and most important aspect of love is to give. People try to have their own definitions … But if you’re a Christian, then the definition put before you is there …

          “For God so loved the world that ‘he gave.'”

          Like I said, there are many other aspects … the things that you give: patience, temperance, no hate, etc. … but the definition is there. Giving is where it starts.

          And giving to yourself, isn’t the answer.

      • Me fail english?

        @thismayconcernyou,

        “To love means to give.”

        Says who? For you, maybe. For others, not so much.

        The way I see it, most love comes from a self-interested (I guess “selfish” is the word VSB wants to use today- fine with me, though the connotation sounds negative) place so I really don’t see what’s so oxymoronic about loving oneself.

      • An Island

        @thismayconcernyou

        Your definition of love sounds more like sacrifice, which probably makes you an incredibly kind person, but isn’t how many view love. I think love also includes listening, accepting, supporting, etc. and you can and should do all those things with yourself too.

      • An Island

        @thismayconcernyou

        Your definition of love sounds more like sacrifice, which probably makes you an incredibly kind person, but isn’t how many view love. I think love also includes listening, accepting, supporting, etc. and you can and should do all those things with yourself too.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @thismayconcernyou,

        “Not being rude, but to love oneself is almost an oxymoron. To love means to give. To give to oneself, means to be selfish. lol. ”

        I think to give ONLY to oneself is selfish. Everyone gives things to themselves so if your definition is correct, then everyone is selfish which means it shouldn’t really have the negative connotation we give it.

        Everyone should nourish themselves and love themselves because it’s probably the greatest love of all.

        • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

          @Cheekie,

          “Everyone should nourish themselves and love themselves because it’s probably the greatest love of all.”

          That’s scary language. IMHO, The greatest love of all is to die for someone else.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @thismayconcernyou,

            But that’s an action, not a feeling. I’m saying the act of loving yourself is probably the greatest because it takes the most work. You have to live with YOURSELF for the rest of your life…no one else can claim that, but you.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @thismayconcernyou,

            But that’s an action, not a feeling. I’m saying the act of loving yourself is probably the greatest because it takes the most work. You have to live with YOURSELF for the rest of your life…no one else can claim that, but you.

        • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

          @Cheekie,

          “Everyone should nourish themselves and love themselves because it’s probably the greatest love of all.”

          That’s scary language. IMHO, The greatest love of all is to die for someone else.

        • Me fail english?

          @Cheekie,

          I agree. I think “thismay”‘s post makes it sound like you have to self-love to the exclusion of others. Not true. In fact, downthread you’ll find folks recalling how learning to love themselves only served to enhance their ability to love outwardly. I count myself among those people.

          Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.

          • miss t-lee

            @Me fail english?,
            “Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.”

            Yep.

          • miss t-lee

            @Me fail english?,
            “Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.”

            Yep.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Me fail english?,

            “Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.”

            Exactly. Love is infinite. Limitless. If you can love more than one person, why can’t you be included in that amount?

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Me fail english?,

            “Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.”

            Exactly. Love is infinite. Limitless. If you can love more than one person, why can’t you be included in that amount?

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Me fail english?,

            Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.

            in your opinion, whats the difference?

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

              @The Champ,

              I am not Me Fail, but here is some insight:

              self-love (slflv)
              n.
              The instinct or desire to promote one’s own well-being; regard for or love of one’s self.

              nar.cis.sism
              n.
              n.
              Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See synonyms at conceit.

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

              @The Champ,

              I am not Me Fail, but here is some insight:

              self-love (slflv)
              n.
              The instinct or desire to promote one’s own well-being; regard for or love of one’s self.

              nar.cis.sism
              n.
              n.
              Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See synonyms at conceit.

            • Me fail english?

              @The Champ,

              IMO, a narcissist’s love for himself limits his or her ability to love others with the same fervor. His love is reserved for himself. On the other hand a person can be just as enamored with herself as the narcissist is with himself, but if she is able to see appreciate and love others strongly too, I wouldn’t call her a narcissist.

              I think it’s a “I know it when I see it” type of thing.

            • Me fail english?

              @The Champ,

              IMO, a narcissist’s love for himself limits his or her ability to love others with the same fervor. His love is reserved for himself. On the other hand a person can be just as enamored with herself as the narcissist is with himself, but if she is able to see appreciate and love others strongly too, I wouldn’t call her a narcissist.

              I think it’s a “I know it when I see it” type of thing.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Me fail english?,

            Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.

            in your opinion, whats the difference?

          • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

            @Me fail english?,

            Maybe I’ll just write something to explain my thoughts … I definitely don’t think there’s something wrong with upkeep of self. And maybe it’s just semantics.

            One of the main things The Good Book tells you to do is to find yourself through self-reflection … but when you do, what are you supposed to do? Give. Like I said, maybe it’s just semantics because it sounds familiar to what others have said.

            But I just think love isn’t about you, but rather what you do for others. how you react or don’t react to their actions. Avoiding hate, jealousy and spite.

            anyway, good discussion.

            • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

              @thismayconcernyou,

              “But I just think love isn’t about you, but rather what you do for others. ”

              Interesting take. I honestly don’t wanna live in a world where love is this limited. Like I said above, love is infinite and can be distributed every which way. It’s the reason why I believe in the “love yourself to love someone else” mantra. By allowing yourself to be loved by someone else, you are essentially loving yourself by expressing you are worth said love. And loving someone else, is in a sense, sharing the love you have for yourself.

            • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

              @thismayconcernyou,

              “But I just think love isn’t about you, but rather what you do for others. ”

              Interesting take. I honestly don’t wanna live in a world where love is this limited. Like I said above, love is infinite and can be distributed every which way. It’s the reason why I believe in the “love yourself to love someone else” mantra. By allowing yourself to be loved by someone else, you are essentially loving yourself by expressing you are worth said love. And loving someone else, is in a sense, sharing the love you have for yourself.

            • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

              @cheekie,

              I don’t think love is limitless … but you have to understand what that means, too.

              Remember, “the love of money is the root of all evil.”

              You can love the wrong things, which can be a #massivefail. smh. Life is tough. lol.

            • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

              @cheekie,

              I don’t think love is limitless … but you have to understand what that means, too.

              Remember, “the love of money is the root of all evil.”

              You can love the wrong things, which can be a #massivefail. smh. Life is tough. lol.

            • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

              @thismayconcernyou,

              True, you can love the wrong things. But how can “yourself” be a wrong thing is what I wanna know. If you feel you’re not worthy of your own love, how are you worthy of someone else’s?

            • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

              @thismayconcernyou,

              True, you can love the wrong things. But how can “yourself” be a wrong thing is what I wanna know. If you feel you’re not worthy of your own love, how are you worthy of someone else’s?

            • Me fail english?

              @thismayconcernyou,

              Interesting perspective. I don’t know what it means to “find one’s self” cause I never did it. I think people who love themselves ultimately share with and give to others. That doesn’t make their behavior oxymoronic though, imo.

              I just wonder how can you define love as “giving to others” in one instance and then make reference to “the love of money” as a root of evil.

              What does love of money have to do with “giving”? And how can “giving” ever be a root of evil? I may be taking this too literally. It may also be because I don’t think people literally “love” money, so I don’t see how it relates to Cheekie’s post.

            • Me fail english?

              @thismayconcernyou,

              Interesting perspective. I don’t know what it means to “find one’s self” cause I never did it. I think people who love themselves ultimately share with and give to others. That doesn’t make their behavior oxymoronic though, imo.

              I just wonder how can you define love as “giving to others” in one instance and then make reference to “the love of money” as a root of evil.

              What does love of money have to do with “giving”? And how can “giving” ever be a root of evil? I may be taking this too literally. It may also be because I don’t think people literally “love” money, so I don’t see how it relates to Cheekie’s post.

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

              @thismayconcernyou,

              Love is limitless. Not the love of, but Love.

              I think we are making a few amalgams here. Saying Love is limitless means love is not a fixed and set amount. There is a not a bowl of love everybody is given that needs to be assigned in a certain way or manner. Love is limitless in the sense that having love for myself in no way, shape or form prevents me from loving other people/things/places/sensations…etc.

              It doesn’t end… I tend to believe that people who can only give to others have not really understood what Love and its limitless power is. Giving to others does not in any way, shape or form prevent you from giving to yourself or vice versa.

              Like Cheekie said, I would be very dismayed to live in a world where the only love that could be given/received was to/from others. What a sad, sad world it would turn out to be.

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

              @thismayconcernyou,

              Love is limitless. Not the love of, but Love.

              I think we are making a few amalgams here. Saying Love is limitless means love is not a fixed and set amount. There is a not a bowl of love everybody is given that needs to be assigned in a certain way or manner. Love is limitless in the sense that having love for myself in no way, shape or form prevents me from loving other people/things/places/sensations…etc.

              It doesn’t end… I tend to believe that people who can only give to others have not really understood what Love and its limitless power is. Giving to others does not in any way, shape or form prevent you from giving to yourself or vice versa.

              Like Cheekie said, I would be very dismayed to live in a world where the only love that could be given/received was to/from others. What a sad, sad world it would turn out to be.

            • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

              @ me fail,

              I’ll admit it, you got me there. “the love of money is the root of all evil” is in the bible.

              But you can’t sell me short. I said the definition of love starts with giving. The bible uses charity as a synonym for love.

              But you’re right, the definition takes new meaning when you say “the love of money.” Because instead of being a verb, love takes a different form, a noun.

              This is too much. lol. we need to stop. We’re really arguing semantics and working our heads too tough. lol.

            • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

              @ me fail,

              I’ll admit it, you got me there. “the love of money is the root of all evil” is in the bible.

              But you can’t sell me short. I said the definition of love starts with giving. The bible uses charity as a synonym for love.

              But you’re right, the definition takes new meaning when you say “the love of money.” Because instead of being a verb, love takes a different form, a noun.

              This is too much. lol. we need to stop. We’re really arguing semantics and working our heads too tough. lol.

          • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

            @Me fail english?,

            Maybe I’ll just write something to explain my thoughts … I definitely don’t think there’s something wrong with upkeep of self. And maybe it’s just semantics.

            One of the main things The Good Book tells you to do is to find yourself through self-reflection … but when you do, what are you supposed to do? Give. Like I said, maybe it’s just semantics because it sounds familiar to what others have said.

            But I just think love isn’t about you, but rather what you do for others. how you react or don’t react to their actions. Avoiding hate, jealousy and spite.

            anyway, good discussion.

        • Me fail english?

          @Cheekie,

          I agree. I think “thismay”‘s post makes it sound like you have to self-love to the exclusion of others. Not true. In fact, downthread you’ll find folks recalling how learning to love themselves only served to enhance their ability to love outwardly. I count myself among those people.

          Self-love shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. They’re very different things.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @thismayconcernyou,

        “Not being rude, but to love oneself is almost an oxymoron. To love means to give. To give to oneself, means to be selfish. lol. ”

        I think to give ONLY to oneself is selfish. Everyone gives things to themselves so if your definition is correct, then everyone is selfish which means it shouldn’t really have the negative connotation we give it.

        Everyone should nourish themselves and love themselves because it’s probably the greatest love of all.

    • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

      @Miss Sia,

      Not being rude, but to love oneself is almost an oxymoron. To love means to give. To give to oneself, means to be selfish. lol.

      Sure, there are other aspects of love such as temperament and what not. But that whole loving yourself thing is maybe the most narcissistic of them all. Maybe you shouldn’t allow yourself to be treated poorly, and you should do thing to keep yourself together … but love means to give. IDK, just my thoughts.

    • ChocolateGirlWonder

      @Everybody,

      Love is just a word. You’re getting hung up on the vocabulary.

      What love is or isn’t is extremely subjective as seen in the thread above. Self love IS selfish, as the suffix -ish implies it is about, like and regarding one’s self. BUT… There’s nothing wrong with that. You can be selfish sometimes and sometimes you can be selfless but like someone already mentioned, “all things in moderation”…

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @ChocolateGirlWonder,

        “Self love IS selfish, as the suffix -ish implies it is about, like and regarding one’s self. BUT… There’s nothing wrong with that.”

        *nods*

        I think it’s the connotation associated with the word “selfish” that makes us reject it. If you say it one way, there isn’t anything wrong with it, say it another, and it is. I guess it depends on the implication behind the word.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @ChocolateGirlWonder,

        “Self love IS selfish, as the suffix -ish implies it is about, like and regarding one’s self. BUT… There’s nothing wrong with that.”

        *nods*

        I think it’s the connotation associated with the word “selfish” that makes us reject it. If you say it one way, there isn’t anything wrong with it, say it another, and it is. I guess it depends on the implication behind the word.

    • ChocolateGirlWonder

      @Everybody,

      Love is just a word. You’re getting hung up on the vocabulary.

      What love is or isn’t is extremely subjective as seen in the thread above. Self love IS selfish, as the suffix -ish implies it is about, like and regarding one’s self. BUT… There’s nothing wrong with that. You can be selfish sometimes and sometimes you can be selfless but like someone already mentioned, “all things in moderation”…

  • http://sia682@mac.com Miss Sia

    Nope. If I dont love me, then who will? You wont love me like I want you to. So…

    Aint nothin wrong with a lil selfishness. It just cant take over the entire relationship, otherwise Im out. You gotta believe in yourself first and foremost or I dont even cast you a side-glance.

    All things in moderation I guess…

  • shay_d_lady

    uh I gotta agree a little bit on this one. I agree that this ego pimpin is a defense mechanism. However it also serves the dual, but not as beneficial, purpose of being yet another wall a person has to break through to get to know the real you and vice versa and most people never make it past those first superficial meetings.
    It is also hard to flip the switch from, just doing me and being me and putting me first, to being genuinely concerned about the thoughts and feelings of someone else, which is what both good s.e.x and good relationships are made of. So if you only worried about “gettin yours” in the bed or in the relationship, unless the other person possesses the altruistic qualities of say, Mother Theresa or Florence Nightingale , the relationship is doomed before it starts…

    • Me fail english?

      @shay_d_lady,

      “this ego pimpin is a defense mechanism. However it also serves the dual, but not as beneficial, purpose of being yet another wall a person has to break through to get to know the real you”

      Agreed. Despite what their MySpace accounts may tell you, I’m not convinced that people think anymore highly of themselves now than they did 50 or 100 years ago. Braggadociousness + a sense of entitlement does NOT equate to high self-esteem or conceit.

      Aside from making people scared to show vulnerability, this self-absorption makes people oblivious to what’s going on in their mate’s heads/hearts. That’s what I think the real danger is.

      • willnotbetelevised

        @Me fail english?,
        “Braggadociousness + a sense of entitlement does NOT equate to high self-esteem or conceit.”
        word. i know many a combination of high ego-low self-esteem. Basically ends up being that I think I’m great but I’m surprised if anyone else agrees with me. Which is definitely a defense mechanism and I think brought on by what the article is talking about. Continuously telling people to love yourself means a person can buildup their ego really high but still not do one bit of work on the self-esteem. but ego can work as a good mask for self-esteem and fool people (like the people in the article) who don’t know more than the superficial aspect of a person.

        So in truth, I don’t think people are more selfish than before but people do know how to answer a question in a way that will be approved by your average talk-show host. How does this work for relationships? I think it like watching turtles get busy. (however I’ve seen free range turtles in a zoo so I’m not worried. A little scarred but not worried)

        • Me fail english?

          @willnotbetelevised,

          LOL. I have NO idea what its like to watch turtles get busy. But 100% cosignage

          • RedBeanzNRice w/Fried Chicken

            @Me fail english?,
            “I have NO idea what its like to watch turtles get busy.”

            Girl, I saw that on the Discovery channel years ago. They do it sideways!! I was like, “the hell goin’ on on my screen?” It just felt so dirty, lol.

          • RedBeanzNRice w/Fried Chicken

            @Me fail english?,
            “I have NO idea what its like to watch turtles get busy.”

            Girl, I saw that on the Discovery channel years ago. They do it sideways!! I was like, “the hell goin’ on on my screen?” It just felt so dirty, lol.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Me fail english?,

            I also wonder if their shell serves as a giant condom. It seems like it gets in the way.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Me fail english?,

            I also wonder if their shell serves as a giant condom. It seems like it gets in the way.

          • willnotbetelevised

            @Me fail english?,
            Turtles get busy ALLADATIME! but they move really really REALLY slow. It was crazy. I watched a female turtle get chased by this smaller male turtle and they were like 3″ away from each other but it took him 10 minutes to chase her down and mount. She was still ‘running’ when he was on that shell. But my thing is turtles get love too. Just slower. and you’re halfway there before you even realize to stop running. but since you’re moving so slow it doesn’t really matter.

            Watching a turtle run on 2 legs would be a great pasttime if it weren’t for the purpose.

          • willnotbetelevised

            @Me fail english?,
            Turtles get busy ALLADATIME! but they move really really REALLY slow. It was crazy. I watched a female turtle get chased by this smaller male turtle and they were like 3″ away from each other but it took him 10 minutes to chase her down and mount. She was still ‘running’ when he was on that shell. But my thing is turtles get love too. Just slower. and you’re halfway there before you even realize to stop running. but since you’re moving so slow it doesn’t really matter.

            Watching a turtle run on 2 legs would be a great pasttime if it weren’t for the purpose.

        • Me fail english?

          @willnotbetelevised,

          LOL. I have NO idea what its like to watch turtles get busy. But 100% cosignage

      • willnotbetelevised

        @Me fail english?,
        “Braggadociousness + a sense of entitlement does NOT equate to high self-esteem or conceit.”
        word. i know many a combination of high ego-low self-esteem. Basically ends up being that I think I’m great but I’m surprised if anyone else agrees with me. Which is definitely a defense mechanism and I think brought on by what the article is talking about. Continuously telling people to love yourself means a person can buildup their ego really high but still not do one bit of work on the self-esteem. but ego can work as a good mask for self-esteem and fool people (like the people in the article) who don’t know more than the superficial aspect of a person.

        So in truth, I don’t think people are more selfish than before but people do know how to answer a question in a way that will be approved by your average talk-show host. How does this work for relationships? I think it like watching turtles get busy. (however I’ve seen free range turtles in a zoo so I’m not worried. A little scarred but not worried)

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Me fail english?,

        I’m not convinced that people think anymore highly of themselves now than they did 50 or 100 years ago. Braggadociousness + a sense of entitlement does NOT equate to high self-esteem or conceit.

        i think its a bit of a chicken/egg thing. we have outlets that people didnt have 50 or even 10 years ago, so that might give the false impression that we’re more self-contained when its just the fact that we now have more opportunities and venues to show the self-containment.

        still, while this may be true, i do think that the tons of social media present (as well as many other things) have made us more likely to self-fellate.

        • Me fail english?

          @The Champ,

          “have made us more likely to self-fellate.”

          LOL. I agree, but does this greater likelihood mean we truly think we’re better as people than our granparents thought they were? A rise in the rates of “reported” cases of eating disorders, body dysmorphic disorders, suicides and drug addictions makes me think: maybe not.

        • Me fail english?

          @The Champ,

          “have made us more likely to self-fellate.”

          LOL. I agree, but does this greater likelihood mean we truly think we’re better as people than our granparents thought they were? A rise in the rates of “reported” cases of eating disorders, body dysmorphic disorders, suicides and drug addictions makes me think: maybe not.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Me fail english?,

        I’m not convinced that people think anymore highly of themselves now than they did 50 or 100 years ago. Braggadociousness + a sense of entitlement does NOT equate to high self-esteem or conceit.

        i think its a bit of a chicken/egg thing. we have outlets that people didnt have 50 or even 10 years ago, so that might give the false impression that we’re more self-contained when its just the fact that we now have more opportunities and venues to show the self-containment.

        still, while this may be true, i do think that the tons of social media present (as well as many other things) have made us more likely to self-fellate.

    • Me fail english?

      @shay_d_lady,

      “this ego pimpin is a defense mechanism. However it also serves the dual, but not as beneficial, purpose of being yet another wall a person has to break through to get to know the real you”

      Agreed. Despite what their MySpace accounts may tell you, I’m not convinced that people think anymore highly of themselves now than they did 50 or 100 years ago. Braggadociousness + a sense of entitlement does NOT equate to high self-esteem or conceit.

      Aside from making people scared to show vulnerability, this self-absorption makes people oblivious to what’s going on in their mate’s heads/hearts. That’s what I think the real danger is.

  • shay_d_lady

    uh I gotta agree a little bit on this one. I agree that this ego pimpin is a defense mechanism. However it also serves the dual, but not as beneficial, purpose of being yet another wall a person has to break through to get to know the real you and vice versa and most people never make it past those first superficial meetings.
    It is also hard to flip the switch from, just doing me and being me and putting me first, to being genuinely concerned about the thoughts and feelings of someone else, which is what both good s.e.x and good relationships are made of. So if you only worried about “gettin yours” in the bed or in the relationship, unless the other person possesses the altruistic qualities of say, Mother Theresa or Florence Nightingale , the relationship is doomed before it starts…

  • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

    “Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”

    ^^^^That’s so Pedestal Patty. <— Google her …

    to the question, though: Selfishness sabotages. There’s a fine line between conceitedness and self-reflection/introspection that we toe as people. Though, that line widens when selfishness comes into the picture.

    There’s nothing wrong with thinking highly of yourself. But you have to put and keep that in perspective and be humble. Keep yourself on an even playing field with the people you deal encounter.

    If you put yourself on a pedestal, and see yourself as above common folk, you will likely be a lonely person who keeps running into people who are only trying to knock you off your perch to get in your pants.

    • willnotbetelevised

      @thismayconcernyou,
      “Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, …”

      that irritated me so much. Its akin to to the old man in the rocking chair shaking his fist talking about kids these days and how he used to walk 10 miles to school barefoot in the snow. Except now they have supposed data from to people today to scientifically compare to their memories of how they were when they were in their 20s. Grr.
      Plus I don’t know what she means by high paying job but considering all the hype about going to college I think anyone with a degree expects a significantly higher paying entry-level position than one you could get without a degree. Otherwise what was the point of wasting those years racking up student loans.

      • Me fail english?

        @willnotbetelevised,

        “I think anyone with a degree expects a significantly higher paying entry-level position than one you could get without a degree. ”

        That really grinds my gears. There was a time when Bachelor’s degrees weren’t so common and it actually could get you somewhere. In some fields its still true, but a lot of folks got the bait and switch pulled on em. Graduated and wound up doing stuff they were qualified to do straight outta high school. Doesnt mean we’re entitled. Just means we got duped, miseducated and under-utilized..

      • Me fail english?

        @willnotbetelevised,

        “I think anyone with a degree expects a significantly higher paying entry-level position than one you could get without a degree. ”

        That really grinds my gears. There was a time when Bachelor’s degrees weren’t so common and it actually could get you somewhere. In some fields its still true, but a lot of folks got the bait and switch pulled on em. Graduated and wound up doing stuff they were qualified to do straight outta high school. Doesnt mean we’re entitled. Just means we got duped, miseducated and under-utilized..

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @willnotbetelevised,

        “Plus I don’t know what she means by high paying job but considering all the hype about going to college I think anyone with a degree expects a significantly higher paying entry-level position than one you could get without a degree. Otherwise what was the point of wasting those years racking up student loans.”

        lol, not to nitpick, but doesn’t this completely contradict your first paragraph?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @willnotbetelevised,

        “Plus I don’t know what she means by high paying job but considering all the hype about going to college I think anyone with a degree expects a significantly higher paying entry-level position than one you could get without a degree. Otherwise what was the point of wasting those years racking up student loans.”

        lol, not to nitpick, but doesn’t this completely contradict your first paragraph?

    • willnotbetelevised

      @thismayconcernyou,
      “Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, …”

      that irritated me so much. Its akin to to the old man in the rocking chair shaking his fist talking about kids these days and how he used to walk 10 miles to school barefoot in the snow. Except now they have supposed data from to people today to scientifically compare to their memories of how they were when they were in their 20s. Grr.
      Plus I don’t know what she means by high paying job but considering all the hype about going to college I think anyone with a degree expects a significantly higher paying entry-level position than one you could get without a degree. Otherwise what was the point of wasting those years racking up student loans.

  • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

    “Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”

    ^^^^That’s so Pedestal Patty. <— Google her …

    to the question, though: Selfishness sabotages. There’s a fine line between conceitedness and self-reflection/introspection that we toe as people. Though, that line widens when selfishness comes into the picture.

    There’s nothing wrong with thinking highly of yourself. But you have to put and keep that in perspective and be humble. Keep yourself on an even playing field with the people you deal encounter.

    If you put yourself on a pedestal, and see yourself as above common folk, you will likely be a lonely person who keeps running into people who are only trying to knock you off your perch to get in your pants.

  • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

    I just thought about it being overly selfLESS is not ideal, being a doormat is not attractive no matter the gender….

    • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

      @Naturally Alise,

      You shouldn’t be a doormat, but you also shouldn’t be on a pedestal. Just stand up and walk upright with some confidence, and you’ll run into what you’re looking for, iThink. lol.

    • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

      @Naturally Alise,

      You shouldn’t be a doormat, but you also shouldn’t be on a pedestal. Just stand up and walk upright with some confidence, and you’ll run into what you’re looking for, iThink. lol.

  • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

    I just thought about it being overly selfLESS is not ideal, being a doormat is not attractive no matter the gender….

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