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Link of The Week: Next.

You know how normal people go out on a gazillion first and second dates and stuff to get to know people?  Well, that was never really me.  I was never dating a gazillion people.  I usually find one I like and stick to ‘em.

But I have been on my fair share of dates.  Hell, now that I think about it, I’ve been on dates where I didn’t even REALIZE I was on a date.  I remember this one particular philly.  She was a friend of a friend who was moving to DC so I offered to show her around.  Apparently you can’t offer to show people around a city without being interested.

Anywho, we go to get something to eat one day and out of nowhere she hits me with: “so where is this going?”

Me:  Um, well that bus right there goes right down by the monuments.

Her:  No, us.  What are we doing?

Me:  Us?  We’re eating dinner.  For the first time ever.  So what could you possibly be asking me?

Her:  I’m saying, are we dating or what?

Me:  I just met you.  2 hours ago.

Let’s just say her arse got nexted real quick.  Being the nice fella that I am though, I took her home that night instead of making her catch the bus like I wanted to do.  Fact is, my situation isn’t special.  There are lot of people out there who end up going out on dates with people that end up being as interesting as a Beyonce interview.  And for those that haven’t seen a Beyonce interview, that isn’t a good thing.  In fact, its quite drole and boring.

I do love her though.

So let’s say you are on a first date and realize you don’t want a second one.

Well, CNN.com has …

STOP.

I’m watching MTVJams right now and Plies video for “I Am Da Club” or something is on.  This is a terrible, terrible song.  And video.  Plies needs Jesus. This video is the a*s of videos.  I do not like John Legend either.

Anyway, CNN has come up with their own list for how not to get a second date.  It’s pretty good.  Hell, some of them remind me of things I wish I could do.  To wit:

Inappropriate disclosure of the personal kind. You know how you’ve always really admired the curve of your brother’s bum in his too-tight pair of Wranglers? Share that little tidbit and see what happens.

Inappropriate disclosure of the medical kind. You’ve been wondering whether that festering bump on your bikini line is a herpes sore or just an ingrown hair. Make tonight the night you get a second opinion.

Perplexing Puppetry. All you need is a pen to draw the eyes and mouth and you’ve got yourself a Señor Wences-style hand puppet. Once your date starts getting on your nerves (and on any first date, the chances are 70/30 in favor of that happening), insist that he address his comments to the hand. Bonus points if you can up the annoyance ante with a fake foreign accent. He will think you’re a nutter, and not in a good way.

Pretty good, especially the puppetry thing.  The worst thing about that one is that your date is essentially cornered.  It ain’t like they can really go anywhere.

I have my own short list of ways to guarantee one date only:

Make everythign rhyme – I’d want to shoot you for doing this.  In fact, I think I’d be pissed.  Dammit, that wasn’t supposed to rhyme.  I just can’t stop myself, it should be a crime.  F*CK.

Sneeze a lot - Follow me with this one.  One of my boys broke up with a chick because she blew her nose too much.  Just imagine being on a date with somebody who sneezed every 2 seconds.  I’d never call them again.  I’d think they were allergic to me.

Jab them in the neck – Pretty much guarantees that they’ll never ever want to see you again.

That’s just my short list.  What say you ?  Any of you all gotten out of dealing with somebody for a second date by doing something outlandish?  What are some other ways to secure a one-date-only diet?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

    Quickest ways to NOT get a 2nd date:

    **Develop a case of tourette’s and jap out at your date randomly then stop and say “Sorry. I didnt take my meds today”

    **Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex

    **Tell him/her that you never believed in love at first sight till right then

    **Say you’re expecting a child with your last significant other

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

      “Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex”

      LOL Luvvie–good one.

  • PBG

    The one that works for me is to EXPLICITLY turn down any and all requests for that second date. Foolproof, I tell ya.

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Explicitly?? Is that legal??

      • PBG

        With me, it doesn’t even matter. I promise.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      thats how you get stalkers…they just dont think they won you over…hopefully they don’t try to run you over.

      i can’t stop rhyming. dammit.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        you speak truth–i have actually gotten stalkers this way. they just don’t give up easily.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    oh, im not nearly that imaginative….i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint. that works for me.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint.”

      hmmm. i’d actually categorize this as sample chick behavior instead of guy.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        that hasnt been my experience….in my experience, a man would rather gnaw off his own arm then actually say something to hurt a woman’s feelings. even something as simple as, “im not interested”

        • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

          I agree with this. I don’t think it’s about guys not wanting to hurt womyn’s feelings… I think it’s guys being very afraid of the reaction. And unable to get their grown folk on.

          • 8th Wonder

            yup.

            • http://www.myspace.com/bbgirl180 Thema

              Amen.

              • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

                Or maybe that’s just that guy’s way of “benching” you. He might not be totally disinterested…just wanting to run with his starters first.

  • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

    * pass gas
    * pick your nose
    * make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay
    * excuse urself to use the bathroom repeatedly-every few minutes

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “* make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay”

      i once saw a woman stick a spoon down there while eating, cause i guess her fingers werent doing the scratch job good enough. this was the first and last time i ever ate at liz’s house.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        L.M.A.O.

      • Nicki Sunshine

        R.O.THE DAMN F.L!

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        LMAO!!! Throwing Liz under the bus.

    • im_the_sweetest

      ROTF. LMAO……

      Dead

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    second date? I’m still working on the first dates.

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Get a reputation for putting out. That’ll get you a few first dates. What? I’m just trying to solve the stated problem–no first dates.

      • PBG

        Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

          and putting out in these situations usually stop the whole second date issue as well.. LOL

          • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

            According to Jazmine Sullivan’s One Night Stand, if you do it so good, you might-could have him making you pancakes in the morning. Although she admits that you run the risk that he might flip it around and have YOU fixing him pancakes in the morning.

            Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.

              if you still wearing the same clothes I dont think it counts as a second date.. LOL

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                what if its just a towel and some dog tags?

              • j boogy

                When you do breakfast you just run the risk of them not leaving. I don’t do breakfast unless we’re going some where with it…

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        doesn’t work for picking up girls.

        besides, that approach kinda creates a chicken egg situation (imagine me saying that with a New Zealand accent).

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          you know, at this point, i’m thinking you should put an “i’m a guy, dammit!!!” disclaimer after each of your comments. it seems as if your screen-name continues to confuse people

          • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

            hmm, I always thought kamakula was a masculine looking moniker.

            perhaps like john mccain, i’m simply out of touch…but unlike john, i don’t have rich formerly beautiful wives or vpilfs running around.

            • shay

              vpilf?

              score!

              • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

                She’s SO overrated.

              • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

                really, you’ve had her Monk?

  • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

    Start petting your imaginary pet unicorn in the middle of dinner…. actually what works is act like you have a stalkerish ex calling you and fake argue with no one or anyone on the phone, the cell phone is always a handy escape tool…

    • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

      “pet unicorn in the middle of dinner”

      im just….i….i mean….you are so gifted with the varied uses of unicorn. I mean, dam!n. wow. LOL

    • http://www.sweetsimplesophisticated.com Ange

      That would work for me. LMAO

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      thats actually a really good one…on par with the hand puppets.

      in fact, i think folks should have sockpuppets on them at all times anyway just in case the mood hits to put on an impromptu show. and what better time than the need to run somebody off.

    • willnotbetelevised

      Thats where the d@mn unicorns came from! I had the fu@king weirdest dream last week that involved me visiting Sista Toldja’s house and she had a bunch of half-eaten food (i’m blaming on the champ- i mean why am i dreaming of 2 half pies, 1/2 a roast chicken with popcorn as the side dish. Thats you with your crazy breakfast choking combos) and a whole mess of unicorn dolls and shee-it that she said were her friends. In my own dream I thought I didn’t hear her right and started laughing and she gave me the look of death. I was genuinely scared of her having a psychotic break. i woke up really weirded out and hungry and decided I need to unplug for awhile. But I was really wondering why unicorns made such a big appearance. I never dreamt of unicorns before and if it causes scary dreams i don’t want to again

  • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

    Sing. Alot. Offkey. (The offkey part isn’t a choice for me but it works out beautifully.)

    For example, if at some point the person says “Question…” before they manage to ask the question you sing “Tell me what you think about me, I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.” Laughing hysterically after is optional.

    If you try really hard you can find a song reference for everything a person says. Believe me.

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      For example, if at some point the person says “Question…” before they manage to ask the question you sing “Tell me what you think about me, I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.” Laughing hysterically after is optional.

      If you try really hard you can find a song reference for everything a person says. Believe me.

      sadly.. I do this all day long I cant help it..

      • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

        Lol. Nor can I. However, I can hold it back with people who don’t know me already. I free up wid people who know me, love me and have to stick around… and people who I would prefer to not see this lifetime.

        • Lil’T

          I am so glad I am not the only one who does this! The worst part is, I went to a performing arts h.s. for voice and aaaalll my people’s did it too! It was like “Fame” in that piece (I’m gonna live fo – evah…)

      • Intellectual Hedonist

        “I do this all day long I cant help it”

        songs and movie quotes… all day that is me too

    • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

      you know, as soon as you got to “Question” I knew what the song would be. I even started singing it off-key before I read the words.

      disclaimer: I’m a guy dammit!

      • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

        Lol. Kamakula, I love that someone not only thinks in song like me, but thinks the exact same songs. We’d have lots of unplanned duets.

        • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

          lol, complete with music too. I can just imagine we walk up to a door, reach to open it at the same time, look up into each others eyes, then break out into Thriller.

          • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

            Very funny visual.

          • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

            Sounds like magic.

  • SouthernGirl

    what comes to mind at the moment is how to not even get a first date:
    *call me and say “you wanna hear something funny? I forgot your name.” then say “I was gonn save you in my phone as short and sexy but I thought that was too forward so I just put southern girl”
    *within the first 15 minutes of our first phone convo tell me how too many women wonder why you are single cause you just seem too perfect but you really are normal and make mistakes
    *tell me you are looking for a wife and not trying to be somebody’s boyfriend or cut buddy
    *vanish for 2 months (i was never so happy to have a man not call me again) but then pop back up and call 3 times in 2 days and expect me to answer or call you back

    all from the same guy. now saved in phone as do not answer

    • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

      Saving someone as Do Not Answer is great. Nokia/Motorola/LG/Samsung/Apple should invent a shortcut button for this specific thing.

      I used to delete numbers but that always results in some weirdo randomly calling me months later, me not recognizing the number and picking up, then having an awkward conversation.

      Now everyone can get saved to the same “Do Not Answer” as Work, Mobile, Home and Fax #’s.

      • miss t-lee

        “I used to delete numbers but that always results in some weirdo randomly calling me months later, me not recognizing the number and picking up, then having an awkward conversation. ”

        This is why I just save people under interesting names, that way I’ll be sure not to pick it up…lol

        • Lil’T

          I had to just make “DNA” the prefix for these fools. I had one guy take me on one date (to a restaurant called Bugaboo Creek – if it sounds like a bad omen it’s because it was). Needless to say, I had him saved in my phone as “Bugaboo Tim”. Now, this bama was suuuper pressed, so he began calling me from different numbers (after one lukewarm date, y’all) so I had to just prefix every number with DNA Tim 1, 2. 3…you get the picture. Dang if I was going to let this fool force me to change my number! But it’s a system that’s worked well for me ever since.

        • 8th Wonder

          I don’t keep the numbers, but I also never answer calls from numbers I don’t know. If a name doesn’t pop up with your number…not answering.

          Leave a message, punk!

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “Leave a message, punk!”

            i never leave messages, unless they’re work-related or i’m drunk.

            • 8th Wonder

              Punk.

            • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

              Yea. I don’t believe in messages – unless I’m phenomenally close to the person. Something about someone having access to a recording of my voice kinda unnerves me.

            • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

              I’m with the ‘no-message-leaving’ movement unless business related. Text and emails are primary options. 9 times out of 10, if I get a voicemail, I know it’s from someone who obviously doesn’t know me well enough and they don’t realize that I don’t check VM’s right away.

          • im_the_sweetest

            I dont leave messages cause I dont listen to messages…. text me… so much simplier.

      • j boogy

        “Now everyone can get saved to the same “Do Not Answer” as Work, Mobile, Home and Fax #’s.”

        OMG… I do this all the time. I have so many numbers under this umbrella… I have Do not answer I, II, and III.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      “*vanish for 2 months (i was never so happy to have a man not call me again) but then pop back up and call 3 times in 2 days and expect me to answer or call you back”

      i did this once…well, not calling 3 times in 2 days…but i TOTALLY forgot i got this chicks phone number until like a month later…so i called her. though to be quite honest, i really wasn’t sure if she was who i thought she was…she was the anti-happy camper. oh well…

    • http://www.myspace.com/bbgirl180 Thema

      *vanish for 2 months (i was never so happy to have a man not call me again) but then pop back up and call 3 times in 2 days and expect me to answer or call you back

      all from the same guy. now saved in phone as do not answer

      Good idea. I just started doing that to people.

  • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

    Yall know I LUVS me a list!!!

    1. excessive throat clearing and phlegm rattling or making that itchy throat sound with your mouth closed and sticking your finger/keys in your ear while doing it

    2 impromptu rap battles in the middle of dinner with beatboxing and table drum accompaniment
    Yo momma is a ho cause I said so.. ha ha ha ha ha……yo turn….

    3. quoting lines from movies or singing/rappping a song line for every word he says

    4. talking real loud on my cell phone in “code” about how wack the date is

    5. ordering up expensive a$$ shyt and drinks and then not eating or drinking said shyt…

    2

    • PBG

      I am sitting up here seriously considering battle rappin’ on my next wacktastic mis-adventure, aka “date”. JUST for the sheer amusement I know it will provide me.

    • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

      Lol. #4 is priceless. Definitely filed away for future use.

    • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com/2008/09/random-thursday-is-it-really-random.html Naturally Alise

      “impromptu rap battles in the middle of dinner ”

      genius! sheer genius! i will have to put that into the repertoire….

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        now you have to be careful with the rap battles… you cant do this with a dayum fool.. they will battle your a$$ and it might result in 1. a fight or 2. having a good time and multiple dates……

        • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

          This reminds me of a freestyle I witnessed today where the guy’s biggest line was “You turn me on like PS3.”

          I cannot see battlin with him resulting in #2. And #1 definitely would not be the end result… the fight would either end in my suicide or his murder.

          I really don’t think this could turn out well with young black men since 75% of them are aspiring rappers.

          • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

            I really don’t think this could turn out well with young black men since 75% of them are aspiring rappers.

            it works well with men that dont like rap now and understand the lyrical and social awareness that was present in the late 80′s early 90′s hip hop era, ninjas that “dont like rap” music, or Professional men who are trying to steer away from the hip hop stereotype..

        • 8th Wonder

          “now you have to be careful with the rap battles… you cant do this with a dayum fool.. they will battle your a$$ and it might result in 1. a fight or 2. having a good time and multiple dates……”

          I feel like I’d end up with situation #2 on my hands, because I love someone I can be silly with.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          yeah, cuz i’ll bite and totally be trying to take your arse out “ether” style…

          i’ve never met a rap battle that i didn’t like. just yesterday i tried to take out an old man cuz i swear he he made two sentences rhyme when he said “hello.”

          turns out he didnt and was quite upset when i said i’d beat him with his own cane. i didn’t mean it though…but it was a rap battle!

          • 8th Wonder

            LMAO

            Lord, take me now!

          • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

            turns out he didnt and was quite upset when i said i’d beat him with his own cane. i didn’t mean it though…but it was a rap battle!

            LMAO whatever Panama I aint going and it would be a battle to the finish.. I am also this way with checkin or “playing the dozens”….

          • im_the_sweetest

            turns out he didnt and was quite upset when i said i’d beat him with his own cane. i didn’t mean it though…but it was a rap battle!

            LMAO…. this totally reminded me of this youtube video…. you know the girl is snapping on grandma.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnYmURBUY8U

            Enjoy!

          • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

            Yeah, if a chick hit me with a rap battle, I’ll be game. And if she didn’t want a second date, she’ll DEFINITELY won’t want one after the ether-ism has taken place.

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

      “impromptu rap battles in the middle of dinner with beatboxing and table drum accompaniment”

      Shay-d-lady I’m cracking up on this one—but what if he’s a wanna be rapper–he’ll start joining in…ROFLMAO

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        Shay-d-lady I’m cracking up on this one—but what if he’s a wanna be rapper–he’ll start joining in…ROFLMAO

        oh for the wannabe rapper..you ask him to rap for him then bust out laughing, I mean hyperventilating, crying the whole nine and then after going.. wait a minute..whoo… about five times.. say.. ” oh you were for real?”….

        • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

          “oh for the wannabe rapper..you ask him to rap for him then bust out laughing, I mean hyperventilating, crying the whole nine and then after going.. wait a minute..whoo… about five times.. say.. ” oh you were for real?”….”

          ROFLMAO

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      5. ordering up expensive a$$ shyt and drinks and then not eating or drinking said shyt…

      be careful. this can get someone shanked

      • 8th Wonder

        Right! I’m trying to get out of date two, not out of living.

        Ninjas is crazy in these skreets.

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        be careful. this can get someone shanked

        Yeah, most of my comments tend to lead down this path if you are not carful.. but hey you cant live your life scared!!!

    • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G

      “5. ordering up expensive a$$ shyt and drinks and then not eating or drinking said shyt…”

      Hmmm. There is a VSBer who should take note of this. lol. Don’t waste drink.

  • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

    oh.. bring up topics and ask his opinion and then play “devils advocate” and rip every single one of his arguments to shreds..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      this assumes the cat you’re dating isn’t very bright. a ninja like me, will be MORE than willing to argue all night…plus, it will be a cheap date b/c you’ll be to hyped up arguing to eat much.

      salad, beeeyotch.

      • kalia

        total aside…but vegetarians are not cheap dates as some have assumed!! first of all salads can be expensive (no iceburg and ranch for me, baby! it’s gotta at least be mixed baby greens with exotic fruits, veggies, and cheeses, and a tangy vinagarette). and second, how many vegetarian fast food chains have you seen? when you and your vegetarian date want to grab a cheap bite, it’s not that simple. olive garden is the vegetarian equivalent to mickey d’s. your post reminded me of some personal issues…… ;)

        back to the topic, i love a good argument too. i think it makes a great first date as long as its all in good fun.

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        this assumes the cat you’re dating isn’t very bright. a ninja like me, will be MORE than willing to argue all night…plus, it will be a cheap date b/c you’ll be to hyped up arguing to eat much.

        salad, beeeyotch.

        See Panama.. I dont know.. you aint never met a chick like me.. I goes HARD… it might slick end up a food fight. In fact because I am hyped I would then result to #5 on my list….

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          buh-ring it.

          • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

            buh-ring it.
            aint no thang but a chicken wang…..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “oh.. bring up topics and ask his opinion and then play “devils advocate” and rip every single one of his arguments to shreds..”

      lol…this is also an effective way to spice up boring staff meetings at work

      • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

        Lol. You definitely sound like a sh!t disturber.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “Lol. You definitely sound like a sh!t disturber.”

          okay, ummm…”sh*t disturber”? can we please think of a different, less sodomistic name for me?

          thanks

          • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

            …not that anything’s wrong with that….. lol

          • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

            Lol. Lawd. Awyuh an’ dis eh?

            Lol. Sorry. Can’t think a one more fitting. Nothing to do with your sexuality of course:)

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        lol…this is also an effective way to spice up boring staff meetings at work

        yes.. I have been purposefully left out of management meetings for my department.. and I am a manager.. LOL.