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Link of The Week: Next.

You know how normal people go out on a gazillion first and second dates and stuff to get to know people?  Well, that was never really me.  I was never dating a gazillion people.  I usually find one I like and stick to ’em.

But I have been on my fair share of dates.  Hell, now that I think about it, I’ve been on dates where I didn’t even REALIZE I was on a date.  I remember this one particular philly.  She was a friend of a friend who was moving to DC so I offered to show her around.  Apparently you can’t offer to show people around a city without being interested.

Anywho, we go to get something to eat one day and out of nowhere she hits me with: “so where is this going?”

Me:  Um, well that bus right there goes right down by the monuments.

Her:  No, us.  What are we doing?

Me:  Us?  We’re eating dinner.  For the first time ever.  So what could you possibly be asking me?

Her:  I’m saying, are we dating or what?

Me:  I just met you.  2 hours ago.

Let’s just say her arse got nexted real quick.  Being the nice fella that I am though, I took her home that night instead of making her catch the bus like I wanted to do.  Fact is, my situation isn’t special.  There are lot of people out there who end up going out on dates with people that end up being as interesting as a Beyonce interview.  And for those that haven’t seen a Beyonce interview, that isn’t a good thing.  In fact, its quite drole and boring.

I do love her though.

So let’s say you are on a first date and realize you don’t want a second one.

Well, CNN.com has …

STOP.

I’m watching MTVJams right now and Plies video for “I Am Da Club” or something is on.  This is a terrible, terrible song.  And video.  Plies needs Jesus. This video is the a*s of videos.  I do not like John Legend either.

Anyway, CNN has come up with their own list for how not to get a second date.  It’s pretty good.  Hell, some of them remind me of things I wish I could do.  To wit:

Inappropriate disclosure of the personal kind. You know how you’ve always really admired the curve of your brother’s bum in his too-tight pair of Wranglers? Share that little tidbit and see what happens.

Inappropriate disclosure of the medical kind. You’ve been wondering whether that festering bump on your bikini line is a herpes sore or just an ingrown hair. Make tonight the night you get a second opinion.

Perplexing Puppetry. All you need is a pen to draw the eyes and mouth and you’ve got yourself a Señor Wences-style hand puppet. Once your date starts getting on your nerves (and on any first date, the chances are 70/30 in favor of that happening), insist that he address his comments to the hand. Bonus points if you can up the annoyance ante with a fake foreign accent. He will think you’re a nutter, and not in a good way.

Pretty good, especially the puppetry thing.  The worst thing about that one is that your date is essentially cornered.  It ain’t like they can really go anywhere.

I have my own short list of ways to guarantee one date only:

Make everythign rhyme – I’d want to shoot you for doing this.  In fact, I think I’d be pissed.  Dammit, that wasn’t supposed to rhyme.  I just can’t stop myself, it should be a crime.  F*CK.

Sneeze a lot – Follow me with this one.  One of my boys broke up with a chick because she blew her nose too much.  Just imagine being on a date with somebody who sneezed every 2 seconds.  I’d never call them again.  I’d think they were allergic to me.

Jab them in the neck – Pretty much guarantees that they’ll never ever want to see you again.

That’s just my short list.  What say you ?  Any of you all gotten out of dealing with somebody for a second date by doing something outlandish?  What are some other ways to secure a one-date-only diet?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

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  • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

    Quickest ways to NOT get a 2nd date:

    **Develop a case of tourette’s and jap out at your date randomly then stop and say “Sorry. I didnt take my meds today”

    **Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex

    **Tell him/her that you never believed in love at first sight till right then

    **Say you’re expecting a child with your last significant other

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

      “Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex”

      LOL Luvvie–good one.

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

      “Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex”

      LOL Luvvie–good one.

  • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

    Quickest ways to NOT get a 2nd date:

    **Develop a case of tourette’s and jap out at your date randomly then stop and say “Sorry. I didnt take my meds today”

    **Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex

    **Tell him/her that you never believed in love at first sight till right then

    **Say you’re expecting a child with your last significant other

  • PBG

    The one that works for me is to EXPLICITLY turn down any and all requests for that second date. Foolproof, I tell ya.

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Explicitly?? Is that legal??

      • PBG

        With me, it doesn’t even matter. I promise.

      • PBG

        With me, it doesn’t even matter. I promise.

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Explicitly?? Is that legal??

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      thats how you get stalkers…they just dont think they won you over…hopefully they don’t try to run you over.

      i can’t stop rhyming. dammit.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        you speak truth–i have actually gotten stalkers this way. they just don’t give up easily.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        you speak truth–i have actually gotten stalkers this way. they just don’t give up easily.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      thats how you get stalkers…they just dont think they won you over…hopefully they don’t try to run you over.

      i can’t stop rhyming. dammit.

  • PBG

    The one that works for me is to EXPLICITLY turn down any and all requests for that second date. Foolproof, I tell ya.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    oh, im not nearly that imaginative….i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint. that works for me.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint.”

      hmmm. i’d actually categorize this as sample chick behavior instead of guy.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        that hasnt been my experience….in my experience, a man would rather gnaw off his own arm then actually say something to hurt a woman’s feelings. even something as simple as, “im not interested”

        • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

          I agree with this. I don’t think it’s about guys not wanting to hurt womyn’s feelings… I think it’s guys being very afraid of the reaction. And unable to get their grown folk on.

          • 8th Wonder

            yup.

            • http://www.myspace.com/bbgirl180 Thema

              Amen.

              • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

                Or maybe that’s just that guy’s way of “benching” you. He might not be totally disinterested…just wanting to run with his starters first.

              • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

                Or maybe that’s just that guy’s way of “benching” you. He might not be totally disinterested…just wanting to run with his starters first.

            • http://www.myspace.com/bbgirl180 Thema

              Amen.

          • 8th Wonder

            yup.

        • http://www.wamekyuhsweetso.blogspot.com FHJ

          I agree with this. I don’t think it’s about guys not wanting to hurt womyn’s feelings… I think it’s guys being very afraid of the reaction. And unable to get their grown folk on.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        that hasnt been my experience….in my experience, a man would rather gnaw off his own arm then actually say something to hurt a woman’s feelings. even something as simple as, “im not interested”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint.”

      hmmm. i’d actually categorize this as sample chick behavior instead of guy.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    oh, im not nearly that imaginative….i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint. that works for me.

  • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

    * pass gas
    * pick your nose
    * make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay
    * excuse urself to use the bathroom repeatedly-every few minutes

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “* make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay”

      i once saw a woman stick a spoon down there while eating, cause i guess her fingers werent doing the scratch job good enough. this was the first and last time i ever ate at liz’s house.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        L.M.A.O.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        L.M.A.O.

      • Nicki Sunshine

        R.O.THE DAMN F.L!

      • Nicki Sunshine

        R.O.THE DAMN F.L!

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        LMAO!!! Throwing Liz under the bus.

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        LMAO!!! Throwing Liz under the bus.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “* make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay”

      i once saw a woman stick a spoon down there while eating, cause i guess her fingers werent doing the scratch job good enough. this was the first and last time i ever ate at liz’s house.

    • im_the_sweetest

      ROTF. LMAO……

      Dead

    • im_the_sweetest

      ROTF. LMAO……

      Dead

  • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

    * pass gas
    * pick your nose
    * make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay
    * excuse urself to use the bathroom repeatedly-every few minutes

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    second date? I’m still working on the first dates.

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Get a reputation for putting out. That’ll get you a few first dates. What? I’m just trying to solve the stated problem–no first dates.

      • PBG

        Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

          and putting out in these situations usually stop the whole second date issue as well.. LOL

          • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

            According to Jazmine Sullivan’s One Night Stand, if you do it so good, you might-could have him making you pancakes in the morning. Although she admits that you run the risk that he might flip it around and have YOU fixing him pancakes in the morning.

            Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.

              if you still wearing the same clothes I dont think it counts as a second date.. LOL

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                what if its just a towel and some dog tags?

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                what if its just a towel and some dog tags?

              • j boogy

                When you do breakfast you just run the risk of them not leaving. I don’t do breakfast unless we’re going some where with it…

              • j boogy

                When you do breakfast you just run the risk of them not leaving. I don’t do breakfast unless we’re going some where with it…

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.

              if you still wearing the same clothes I dont think it counts as a second date.. LOL

          • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

            According to Jazmine Sullivan’s One Night Stand, if you do it so good, you might-could have him making you pancakes in the morning. Although she admits that you run the risk that he might flip it around and have YOU fixing him pancakes in the morning.

            Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

          and putting out in these situations usually stop the whole second date issue as well.. LOL

      • PBG

        Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        doesn’t work for picking up girls.

        besides, that approach kinda creates a chicken egg situation (imagine me saying that with a New Zealand accent).

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          you know, at this point, i’m thinking you should put an “i’m a guy, dammit!!!” disclaimer after each of your comments. it seems as if your screen-name continues to confuse people

          • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

            hmm, I always thought kamakula was a masculine looking moniker.

            perhaps like john mccain, i’m simply out of touch…but unlike john, i don’t have rich formerly beautiful wives or vpilfs running around.

            • shay

              vpilf?

              score!

              • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

                She’s SO overrated.

              • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

                She’s SO overrated.

              • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

                really, you’ve had her Monk?

              • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

                really, you’ve had her Monk?

            • shay

              vpilf?

              score!

          • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

            hmm, I always thought kamakula was a masculine looking moniker.

            perhaps like john mccain, i’m simply out of touch…but unlike john, i don’t have rich formerly beautiful wives or vpilfs running around.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          you know, at this point, i’m thinking you should put an “i’m a guy, dammit!!!” disclaimer after each of your comments. it seems as if your screen-name continues to confuse people

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        doesn’t work for picking up girls.

        besides, that approach kinda creates a chicken egg situation (imagine me saying that with a New Zealand accent).

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Get a reputation for putting out. That’ll get you a few first dates. What? I’m just trying to solve the stated problem–no first dates.

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    second date? I’m still working on the first dates.

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