You know how normal people go out on a gazillion first and second dates and stuff to get to know people? Well, that was never really me. I was never dating a gazillion people. I usually find one I like and stick to ‘em.
But I have been on my fair share of dates. Hell, now that I think about it, I’ve been on dates where I didn’t even REALIZE I was on a date. I remember this one particular philly. She was a friend of a friend who was moving to DC so I offered to show her around. Apparently you can’t offer to show people around a city without being interested.
Anywho, we go to get something to eat one day and out of nowhere she hits me with: “so where is this going?”
Me: Um, well that bus right there goes right down by the monuments.
Her: No, us. What are we doing?
Me: Us? We’re eating dinner. For the first time ever. So what could you possibly be asking me?
Her: I’m saying, are we dating or what?
Me: I just met you. 2 hours ago.
Let’s just say her arse got nexted real quick. Being the nice fella that I am though, I took her home that night instead of making her catch the bus like I wanted to do. Fact is, my situation isn’t special. There are lot of people out there who end up going out on dates with people that end up being as interesting as a Beyonce interview. And for those that haven’t seen a Beyonce interview, that isn’t a good thing. In fact, its quite drole and boring.
I do love her though.
So let’s say you are on a first date and realize you don’t want a second one.
Well, CNN.com has …
STOP.
I’m watching MTVJams right now and Plies video for “I Am Da Club” or something is on. This is a terrible, terrible song. And video. Plies needs Jesus. This video is the a*s of videos. I do not like John Legend either.
Anyway, CNN has come up with their own list for how not to get a second date. It’s pretty good. Hell, some of them remind me of things I wish I could do. To wit:
• Inappropriate disclosure of the personal kind. You know how you’ve always really admired the curve of your brother’s bum in his too-tight pair of Wranglers? Share that little tidbit and see what happens.
• Inappropriate disclosure of the medical kind. You’ve been wondering whether that festering bump on your bikini line is a herpes sore or just an ingrown hair. Make tonight the night you get a second opinion.
• Perplexing Puppetry. All you need is a pen to draw the eyes and mouth and you’ve got yourself a Señor Wences-style hand puppet. Once your date starts getting on your nerves (and on any first date, the chances are 70/30 in favor of that happening), insist that he address his comments to the hand. Bonus points if you can up the annoyance ante with a fake foreign accent. He will think you’re a nutter, and not in a good way.
Pretty good, especially the puppetry thing. The worst thing about that one is that your date is essentially cornered. It ain’t like they can really go anywhere.
I have my own short list of ways to guarantee one date only:
Make everythign rhyme – I’d want to shoot you for doing this. In fact, I think I’d be pissed. Dammit, that wasn’t supposed to rhyme. I just can’t stop myself, it should be a crime. F*CK.
Sneeze a lot - Follow me with this one. One of my boys broke up with a chick because she blew her nose too much. Just imagine being on a date with somebody who sneezed every 2 seconds. I’d never call them again. I’d think they were allergic to me.
Jab them in the neck – Pretty much guarantees that they’ll never ever want to see you again.
That’s just my short list. What say you ? Any of you all gotten out of dealing with somebody for a second date by doing something outlandish? What are some other ways to secure a one-date-only diet?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST
Quickest ways to NOT get a 2nd date:
**Develop a case of tourette’s and jap out at your date randomly then stop and say “Sorry. I didnt take my meds today”
**Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex
**Tell him/her that you never believed in love at first sight till right then
**Say you’re expecting a child with your last significant other
“Say that you had to upgrade ur medical insurance at work because your old plan wouldn’t cover Valtrex”
LOL Luvvie–good one.
The one that works for me is to EXPLICITLY turn down any and all requests for that second date. Foolproof, I tell ya.
Explicitly?? Is that legal??
With me, it doesn’t even matter. I promise.
thats how you get stalkers…they just dont think they won you over…hopefully they don’t try to run you over.
i can’t stop rhyming. dammit.
you speak truth–i have actually gotten stalkers this way. they just don’t give up easily.
oh, im not nearly that imaginative….i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint. that works for me.
“i usually just act like a man about it and not call or respond to calls until they get the hint.”
hmmm. i’d actually categorize this as sample chick behavior instead of guy.
that hasnt been my experience….in my experience, a man would rather gnaw off his own arm then actually say something to hurt a woman’s feelings. even something as simple as, “im not interested”
I agree with this. I don’t think it’s about guys not wanting to hurt womyn’s feelings… I think it’s guys being very afraid of the reaction. And unable to get their grown folk on.
yup.
Amen.
Or maybe that’s just that guy’s way of “benching” you. He might not be totally disinterested…just wanting to run with his starters first.
* pass gas
* pick your nose
* make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay
* excuse urself to use the bathroom repeatedly-every few minutes
“* make like u have discomfort in ur crotch area and scratch your vajay jay”
i once saw a woman stick a spoon down there while eating, cause i guess her fingers werent doing the scratch job good enough. this was the first and last time i ever ate at liz’s house.
L.M.A.O.
R.O.THE DAMN F.L!
LMAO!!! Throwing Liz under the bus.
ROTF. LMAO……
Dead
second date? I’m still working on the first dates.
Get a reputation for putting out. That’ll get you a few first dates. What? I’m just trying to solve the stated problem–no first dates.
Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.
Now that right THERE is indeed the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.
and putting out in these situations usually stop the whole second date issue as well.. LOL
According to Jazmine Sullivan’s One Night Stand, if you do it so good, you might-could have him making you pancakes in the morning. Although she admits that you run the risk that he might flip it around and have YOU fixing him pancakes in the morning.
Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.
Technically, you could count breakfast as a second date.
if you still wearing the same clothes I dont think it counts as a second date.. LOL
what if its just a towel and some dog tags?
When you do breakfast you just run the risk of them not leaving. I don’t do breakfast unless we’re going some where with it…
doesn’t work for picking up girls.
besides, that approach kinda creates a chicken egg situation (imagine me saying that with a New Zealand accent).
you know, at this point, i’m thinking you should put an “i’m a guy, dammit!!!” disclaimer after each of your comments. it seems as if your screen-name continues to confuse people
hmm, I always thought kamakula was a masculine looking moniker.
perhaps like john mccain, i’m simply out of touch…but unlike john, i don’t have rich formerly beautiful wives or vpilfs running around.
vpilf?
score!
She’s SO overrated.
really, you’ve had her Monk?
Start petting your imaginary pet unicorn in the middle of dinner…. actually what works is act like you have a stalkerish ex calling you and fake argue with no one or anyone on the phone, the cell phone is always a handy escape tool…
“pet unicorn in the middle of dinner”
im just….i….i mean….you are so gifted with the varied uses of unicorn. I mean, dam!n. wow. LOL
That would work for me. LMAO
thats actually a really good one…on par with the hand puppets.
in fact, i think folks should have sockpuppets on them at all times anyway just in case the mood hits to put on an impromptu show. and what better time than the need to run somebody off.
Thats where the d@mn unicorns came from! I had the fu@king weirdest dream last week that involved me visiting Sista Toldja’s house and she had a bunch of half-eaten food (i’m blaming on the champ- i mean why am i dreaming of 2 half pies, 1/2 a roast chicken with popcorn as the side dish. Thats you with your crazy breakfast choking combos) and a whole mess of unicorn dolls and shee-it that she said were her friends. In my own dream I thought I didn’t hear her right and started laughing and she gave me the look of death. I was genuinely scared of her having a psychotic break. i woke up really weirded out and hungry and decided I need to unplug for awhile. But I was really wondering why unicorns made such a big appearance. I never dreamt of unicorns before and if it causes scary dreams i don’t want to again
Sing. Alot. Offkey. (The offkey part isn’t a choice for me but it works out beautifully.)
For example, if at some point the person says “Question…” before they manage to ask the question you sing “Tell me what you think about me, I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.” Laughing hysterically after is optional.
If you try really hard you can find a song reference for everything a person says. Believe me.
For example, if at some point the person says “Question…” before they manage to ask the question you sing “Tell me what you think about me, I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.” Laughing hysterically after is optional.
If you try really hard you can find a song reference for everything a person says. Believe me.
sadly.. I do this all day long I cant help it..
Lol. Nor can I. However, I can hold it back with people who don’t know me already. I free up wid people who know me, love me and have to stick around… and people who I would prefer to not see this lifetime.
I am so glad I am not the only one who does this! The worst part is, I went to a performing arts h.s. for voice and aaaalll my people’s did it too! It was like “Fame” in that piece (I’m gonna live fo – evah…)
“I do this all day long I cant help it”
songs and movie quotes… all day that is me too
you know, as soon as you got to “Question” I knew what the song would be. I even started singing it off-key before I read the words.
disclaimer: I’m a guy dammit!
Lol. Kamakula, I love that someone not only thinks in song like me, but thinks the exact same songs. We’d have lots of unplanned duets.
lol, complete with music too. I can just imagine we walk up to a door, reach to open it at the same time, look up into each others eyes, then break out into Thriller.
Very funny visual.
Sounds like magic.
what comes to mind at the moment is how to not even get a first date:
*call me and say “you wanna hear something funny? I forgot your name.” then say “I was gonn save you in my phone as short and sexy but I thought that was too forward so I just put southern girl”
*within the first 15 minutes of our first phone convo tell me how too many women wonder why you are single cause you just seem too perfect but you really are normal and make mistakes
*tell me you are looking for a wife and not trying to be somebody’s boyfriend or cut buddy
*vanish for 2 months (i was never so happy to have a man not call me again) but then pop back up and call 3 times in 2 days and expect me to answer or call you back
all from the same guy. now saved in phone as do not answer
Saving someone as Do Not Answer is great. Nokia/Motorola/LG/Samsung/Apple should invent a shortcut button for this specific thing.
I used to delete numbers but that always results in some weirdo randomly calling me months later, me not recognizing the number and picking up, then having an awkward conversation.
Now everyone can get saved to the same “Do Not Answer” as Work, Mobile, Home and Fax #’s.
“I used to delete numbers but that always results in some weirdo randomly calling me months later, me not recognizing the number and picking up, then having an awkward conversation. ”
This is why I just save people under interesting names, that way I’ll be sure not to pick it up…lol
I had to just make “DNA” the prefix for these fools. I had one guy take me on one date (to a restaurant called Bugaboo Creek – if it sounds like a bad omen it’s because it was). Needless to say, I had him saved in my phone as “Bugaboo Tim”. Now, this bama was suuuper pressed, so he began calling me from different numbers (after one lukewarm date, y’all) so I had to just prefix every number with DNA Tim 1, 2. 3…you get the picture. Dang if I was going to let this fool force me to change my number! But it’s a system that’s worked well for me ever since.
I don’t keep the numbers, but I also never answer calls from numbers I don’t know. If a name doesn’t pop up with your number…not answering.
Leave a message, punk!
“Leave a message, punk!”
i never leave messages, unless they’re work-related or i’m drunk.
Punk.
Yea. I don’t believe in messages – unless I’m phenomenally close to the person. Something about someone having access to a recording of my voice kinda unnerves me.
I’m with the ‘no-message-leaving’ movement unless business related. Text and emails are primary options. 9 times out of 10, if I get a voicemail, I know it’s from someone who obviously doesn’t know me well enough and they don’t realize that I don’t check VM’s right away.
I dont leave messages cause I dont listen to messages…. text me… so much simplier.
“Now everyone can get saved to the same “Do Not Answer” as Work, Mobile, Home and Fax #’s.”
OMG… I do this all the time. I have so many numbers under this umbrella… I have Do not answer I, II, and III.
“*vanish for 2 months (i was never so happy to have a man not call me again) but then pop back up and call 3 times in 2 days and expect me to answer or call you back”
i did this once…well, not calling 3 times in 2 days…but i TOTALLY forgot i got this chicks phone number until like a month later…so i called her. though to be quite honest, i really wasn’t sure if she was who i thought she was…she was the anti-happy camper. oh well…
*vanish for 2 months (i was never so happy to have a man not call me again) but then pop back up and call 3 times in 2 days and expect me to answer or call you back
all from the same guy. now saved in phone as do not answer
Good idea. I just started doing that to people.
Yall know I LUVS me a list!!!
1. excessive throat clearing and phlegm rattling or making that itchy throat sound with your mouth closed and sticking your finger/keys in your ear while doing it
2 impromptu rap battles in the middle of dinner with beatboxing and table drum accompaniment
Yo momma is a ho cause I said so.. ha ha ha ha ha……yo turn….
3. quoting lines from movies or singing/rappping a song line for every word he says
4. talking real loud on my cell phone in “code” about how wack the date is
5. ordering up expensive a$$ shyt and drinks and then not eating or drinking said shyt…
2
I am sitting up here seriously considering battle rappin’ on my next wacktastic mis-adventure, aka “date”. JUST for the sheer amusement I know it will provide me.
Lol. #4 is priceless. Definitely filed away for future use.
“impromptu rap battles in the middle of dinner ”
genius! sheer genius! i will have to put that into the repertoire….
now you have to be careful with the rap battles… you cant do this with a dayum fool.. they will battle your a$$ and it might result in 1. a fight or 2. having a good time and multiple dates……
This reminds me of a freestyle I witnessed today where the guy’s biggest line was “You turn me on like PS3.”
I cannot see battlin with him resulting in #2. And #1 definitely would not be the end result… the fight would either end in my suicide or his murder.
I really don’t think this could turn out well with young black men since 75% of them are aspiring rappers.
I really don’t think this could turn out well with young black men since 75% of them are aspiring rappers.
it works well with men that dont like rap now and understand the lyrical and social awareness that was present in the late 80′s early 90′s hip hop era, ninjas that “dont like rap” music, or Professional men who are trying to steer away from the hip hop stereotype..
“now you have to be careful with the rap battles… you cant do this with a dayum fool.. they will battle your a$$ and it might result in 1. a fight or 2. having a good time and multiple dates……”
I feel like I’d end up with situation #2 on my hands, because I love someone I can be silly with.
yeah, cuz i’ll bite and totally be trying to take your arse out “ether” style…
i’ve never met a rap battle that i didn’t like. just yesterday i tried to take out an old man cuz i swear he he made two sentences rhyme when he said “hello.”
turns out he didnt and was quite upset when i said i’d beat him with his own cane. i didn’t mean it though…but it was a rap battle!
LMAO
Lord, take me now!
turns out he didnt and was quite upset when i said i’d beat him with his own cane. i didn’t mean it though…but it was a rap battle!
LMAO whatever Panama I aint going and it would be a battle to the finish.. I am also this way with checkin or “playing the dozens”….
turns out he didnt and was quite upset when i said i’d beat him with his own cane. i didn’t mean it though…but it was a rap battle!
LMAO…. this totally reminded me of this youtube video…. you know the girl is snapping on grandma.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnYmURBUY8U
Enjoy!
Yeah, if a chick hit me with a rap battle, I’ll be game. And if she didn’t want a second date, she’ll DEFINITELY won’t want one after the ether-ism has taken place.
“impromptu rap battles in the middle of dinner with beatboxing and table drum accompaniment”
Shay-d-lady I’m cracking up on this one—but what if he’s a wanna be rapper–he’ll start joining in…ROFLMAO
Shay-d-lady I’m cracking up on this one—but what if he’s a wanna be rapper–he’ll start joining in…ROFLMAO
oh for the wannabe rapper..you ask him to rap for him then bust out laughing, I mean hyperventilating, crying the whole nine and then after going.. wait a minute..whoo… about five times.. say.. ” oh you were for real?”….
“oh for the wannabe rapper..you ask him to rap for him then bust out laughing, I mean hyperventilating, crying the whole nine and then after going.. wait a minute..whoo… about five times.. say.. ” oh you were for real?”….”
ROFLMAO
5. ordering up expensive a$$ shyt and drinks and then not eating or drinking said shyt…
be careful. this can get someone shanked
Right! I’m trying to get out of date two, not out of living.
Ninjas is crazy in these skreets.
be careful. this can get someone shanked
Yeah, most of my comments tend to lead down this path if you are not carful.. but hey you cant live your life scared!!!
“5. ordering up expensive a$$ shyt and drinks and then not eating or drinking said shyt…”
Hmmm. There is a VSBer who should take note of this. lol. Don’t waste drink.
oh.. bring up topics and ask his opinion and then play “devils advocate” and rip every single one of his arguments to shreds..
this assumes the cat you’re dating isn’t very bright. a ninja like me, will be MORE than willing to argue all night…plus, it will be a cheap date b/c you’ll be to hyped up arguing to eat much.
salad, beeeyotch.
total aside…but vegetarians are not cheap dates as some have assumed!! first of all salads can be expensive (no iceburg and ranch for me, baby! it’s gotta at least be mixed baby greens with exotic fruits, veggies, and cheeses, and a tangy vinagarette). and second, how many vegetarian fast food chains have you seen? when you and your vegetarian date want to grab a cheap bite, it’s not that simple. olive garden is the vegetarian equivalent to mickey d’s. your post reminded me of some personal issues……
back to the topic, i love a good argument too. i think it makes a great first date as long as its all in good fun.
this assumes the cat you’re dating isn’t very bright. a ninja like me, will be MORE than willing to argue all night…plus, it will be a cheap date b/c you’ll be to hyped up arguing to eat much.
salad, beeeyotch.
See Panama.. I dont know.. you aint never met a chick like me.. I goes HARD… it might slick end up a food fight. In fact because I am hyped I would then result to #5 on my list….
buh-ring it.
buh-ring it.
aint no thang but a chicken wang…..
“oh.. bring up topics and ask his opinion and then play “devils advocate” and rip every single one of his arguments to shreds..”
lol…this is also an effective way to spice up boring staff meetings at work
Lol. You definitely sound like a sh!t disturber.
“Lol. You definitely sound like a sh!t disturber.”
okay, ummm…”sh*t disturber”? can we please think of a different, less sodomistic name for me?
thanks
…not that anything’s wrong with that….. lol
Lol. Lawd. Awyuh an’ dis eh?
Lol. Sorry. Can’t think a one more fitting. Nothing to do with your sexuality of course:)
lol…this is also an effective way to spice up boring staff meetings at work
yes.. I have been purposefully left out of management meetings for my department.. and I am a manager.. LOL.
Know what, when you said “make everything rhyme,” I immediately conjured up T-Pain singin’ “I can put you in a mansion / somewhere in WisCANsin”. Although I do admire some emcees who have bent pronunciation of words to fit into their rhyme scheme such as Eminem and Jay, T-Pain is not one of them.
Back to the matter at hand…
If you don’t want a second date, just be honest and let the person down in a tactful way without embarrassing them or making them feel uncomfortable if they ask you. If you put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would like to be rejected if it’s inevitable, this can help in your approach. Just be upfront.
Dragging it out is torture on everyone involved.
OR…
You can always just get smashed, act an ass, embarrass the hell out of them in public, curse their family, throw up on/in their car and go in for the kiss with vomit breath. That’ll probably work too.
The day T-Pain was allowed into a studio, music died a little.
And I’m somehow thinking one being smashed enough to vomit would not permit the presence of mind to follow through on a plan. And being drunk with someone who you never want to see again could turn very very wrong…
But if you’re a drunk who follows the plan of your past sober self… this is definitely the plan to choose… lol… go tru hard!
I thought of gucci mane rhyming orange and car insurance… LMAO
This was the greatest two lines in the history of rap. And he rhymed what was supposed to be ralph lauren, with car insurance.
Arararahgaharhgagh, if I wasn’t rappin then I’ll be robbing. Shoes by prada, shirt raff roarain, I stay real high like my car insurance.
Wrooong.
Shoes by prada, shirt ralph lauren, pull up to the park in something foreign, Tangerine porche same color a orange, I stay real high like my car insurance…
Take that take that Take that!
*I AM ashamed that I know this song like that. But I get a lil extra when it comes on, I must admit
**Walks out quietly singing “She’s a very freaky girl…”**
I see ya 8th wonder. lol
*hangs head in shame*
It’s okay.
Even though Gucci is TOO ignorant, I like that song, too!
(In my Wayans brothers voice) Don’t tell nooooo-body!
Thanks 8th.. I knew someone would have my back, although I wondered if they would be game enough to admit it….LOL
I AM ashamed that I know this song like that. But I get a lil extra when it comes on, I must admit
LOL dont be.. its a club song.. the beat is hot and luda is on it… you can almost excuse the fact that its by “gucci gucci so wont you introduce me”… LMAO
That beat was hot. I liked the original by Joi so I automatically liked Gucci’s version, plus Luda’s verse was like icing on the cake.
Joi’s version is SO serious…
“I lose all control, when you grab a hold, and you do your trick, I love it when you….lick.”
Ummph.
LOL!! That sounds about right.
“Know what, when you said “make everything rhyme,” I immediately conjured up T-Pain singin’ “I can put you in a mansion / somewhere in WisCANsin”. ”
Yeah I cringe everytime I hear that.
isnt that how they pronounce wisconsin up there? just like new york = new yawk, etc?
I thought they pronounced it like that as well.
I don’t think so, but this is just my memory from when I worked in telemarketing. I’m not completely sure. Maybe some WI peeps can weigh in…lol
“Know what, when you said “make everything rhyme,” I immediately conjured up T-Pain singin’ “I can put you in a mansion / somewhere in WisCANsin”. Although I do admire some emcees who have bent pronunciation of words to fit into their rhyme scheme such as Eminem and Jay, T-Pain is not one of them.”
true–being lyrically inclined to make sense is lacking in music these days. but even worse than that, who the he!l wants to voluntarily move to Wisconsin, mansion or not??
You never know…maybe he’s trickin’ on someone who only likes log cabin mansions in Wiscansin. I wouldn’t be surprised to find a brothel there similar to the Bunny Ranch.
lol good point
really? i thought about the waitress on Northern Exposure who sang everything she said. I tried hard to be that chick for about 2 weeks in my youth….good times.
*tell him/her how you accidently killed ur parents when u were 10 while sleep walking then dead pan look at ur date in the eye and say “u didn’t see the nightline/ 20/20/ dateline, special about me?”
““u didn’t see the nightline/ 20/20/ dateline, special about me?””
Intellectual Hedonist – That’s when the person mysteriously has an emergency and will make a quick exit…lol
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. ~said like Steve Carrell in 40 year old virgin
I tried to think of ones that wouldn’t totally kill your reputation among your friends if it got back to them, since they know you well enough to think it’s a total lie.
1. Tell you’re voting for McCain, not because you like him all that much, but because you want to see a lot more of Sarah Palin.
2. Tell them that you breed cats (or dogs), and have 15 of them in your apartment.
3. Discuss your fascination with dead people and how you wish you became a mortician, but often, you think that maybe it’s not too late.
4. Ask them how much money they earn, then ask them for a loan today. If they ask what for? Tell them you want you want to go with your boo on a nice vacation but you’re late on your half of the deposit.
5. For men: Tell her that you strongly believe children should be breast fed until the age of 3, and that you want five kids.
If she’s sharp enough to ask if you were breast fed, say, “Damn. You sure are nosy. Don’t be gettin’ in my business.”
“Ask them how much money they earn, then ask them for a loan today”
But when they ask why, say “Fool we just met, don’t be all in my financial affairs! Dang.”
“Ask them how much money they earn, then ask them for a loan today”
Eff it. Just ask them if they can get you a cellphone in their name or at least put you on their plan. Then ask if you can use one of their credit cards to buy your kids school clothes/Christmas toys/Easter suits/etc. Tell him you’ll pay him back when their daddies send the checks.
Eff it. Just ask them if they can get you a cellphone in their name or at least put you on their plan. Then ask if you can use one of their credit cards to buy your kids school clothes/Christmas toys/Easter suits/etc. Tell him you’ll pay him back when their daddies send the checks.
Dayum it.. I just wiped the tears out of my eyes from your last comment.. LMAO
Ha! Not the Easter suit….
Hello all, I’m a “virgin” blogger and Goodeness turned me on to your site and it is the FUNNIEST site out there.
But I wanted to reply to the Easter Suit comment with my own story about that. When I was in school, I was working at this store called Venture (similiar to Target, Walmart, etc.) and I was a cashier and it was very busy (Saturday night before Easter) and this sistah walked up to me and asked me “Where are the easter suits?” I couldn’t help myself, so I replied “easter suits??” with a quizzical look on my face and she said you know that my son can wear to church tomorrow. I then said ” Ohhh, you mean a suit to wear on Easter, those are located on the left behind health and beauty!” Ya’ll I shouldn’t have been playing like that because we probably could’ve torn Venture up that day.
Anyway, keep up the good work and keep those topics interesting and get me FIRED from laughing so hard. (j/k)
welcome to the slaughterhouse and thanks for sleepwalking…
I swear, some people either have very low standards or are just hypnotized. Palin is NOT a ‘looker’. I’m not saying that she’s physically repulsive, but she’s in no way a dime…or a nine…or an eight. She’s above average, but that’s about it.
Oh I just thought of a way…
Tell them you just wanna put the truth out on the table. If they Google you, they will find your listing on OffenderSearch.com. Then tell them that you petitioned to have it taken off but that you know how nothing is ever really erased once it’s on the internet. Before they even get to react, tell them you went to jail for five years for drug possession cus you got caught smuggling drugs in your ‘snatch’ (hind parts, for men). The only reason you got caught is because one of the bags burst, you overdosed, fell out in the visitors room, etc.
Voila! No date number 2 AND you have just secured yourself a spot in the Urban Legend Hall of Fame–The Date Corridor. You walk away with a story to tell your friends and he walks away with a story for his. Everyone wins!
Tell them you just wanna put the truth out on the table. If they Google you, they will find your listing on OffenderSearch.com. Then tell them that you petitioned to have it taken off but that you know how nothing is ever really erased once it’s on the internet. Before they even get to react, tell them you went to jail for five years for drug possession cus you got caught smuggling drugs in your ’snatch’ (hind parts, for men). The only reason you got caught is because one of the bags burst, you overdosed, fell out in the visitors room, etc.
Voila! No date number 2 AND you have just secured yourself a spot in the Urban Legend Hall of Fame–The Date Corridor. You walk away with a story to tell your friends and he walks away with a story for his. Everyone wins!
I..cant.. breathe.. LMAO…….
Lol. This is true. Walking away with a story is second only to a good date. So the only bad date then is a boring date. Boring dates benefit no one… not you, not him, not your friends…
. So the only bad date then is a boring date. Boring dates benefit no one… not you, not him, not your friends…
so playing the “silent game” all evening and when he says “this is ridiculous” you yell “you lose” and then get up and walk away…….would probably work too?
Silence?? That’s too easy. Well maybe not for women.
Why not just pull out some floss. Take a really long piece off the spool, tell him to smile, and attempt to floss his teeth. Not only with you and him walk away with a fantastic story, so will the people at the tables beside you. Yeah!!
We all need to go out with someone and just show our asses. Then report back next week.
sounds like a plan!
LOL @ the silent game. my mom used to get us all the time with that game…”whoever is quiet the longest on the car ride home wins!!”….we were such suckers….i can’t wait till i have kids so they can play the silent game and i can call them from playing outside with their friends just so they can hand me the remote control. ha ha! (but I will never ask for them to pour me anything to drink…..uh un…). excuse my randomness, i can’t seem to help it.
unless, of course, they’ve been to jail to for a similar reason (except for real)…
then voila, common ground.
you got to be careful with us young black men nowadays. hell, even i did a bid. or did i???? hmmm…
(i didn’t)
I was a Colombian drug mule, I even have a movie detailing my adventures. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390221/
except I’m not Colombian, but I did sleep at at Holiday Inn Express last night, except I really didn’t
I was once a Colombian Drug mule, a movie was made of my life, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390221/
except I’m not Colombian, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night, except I didn’t
my friend told me she took her “tracks” out while in the car on a date one time…..cause dude was boring and she had an earlyappointment at the shop the next day….
That’s it. Game over. I’m done! Hold up. She had scissors in her purse? How loose were they that she could just snatch em out? I need more information!
she said she had one of those minaiture bottles of baby oil in her purse.. she took a comb and kind of wiggled them loose massaged in the oil and pulled the tracks out (the were glued in). LOL she is a fool.. off topic this same friend also used her 15 minute break at work the other night and glued in a whole head of shoulder length wet and wavy hair.. and walked back in to her desk like WE were crazy… LMAO
So your friend is the QUEEN of weird weave moments. Lol. That’s her specialty. She sounds absolutely great. Probably would be impossible to have a bad date with her. It would either be great, or the person and said person’s friends would get a story.
So your friend is the QUEEN of weird weave moments. Lol
she is ridiculous.. she is one of the few people you meet in life that seriously does not give a f!ck.. the two of us together =MAJOR trouble…
Sweet mother of the next baby Palin!!! That is a great story from both points of view.
“Sweet mother of the next baby Palin!!! ”
I have to use this one too.
“she said she had one of those minaiture bottles of baby oil in her purse.. she took a comb and kind of wiggled them loose massaged in the oil and pulled the tracks out (the were glued in). LOL she is a fool.. off topic this same friend also used her 15 minute break at work the other night and glued in a whole head of shoulder length wet and wavy hair.. and walked back in to her desk like WE were crazy… LMAO”
this friend’s name isnt remy ma, is it?
Wow. That’s brave. Honestly, my shamebox gets in the way of me doing so much of this stuff. I really need to work on that. I want to be like your friend when I grow up.
she should of asked him to help her. or better yet “can you grease my scalp” ?
I am sure he was to busy trying to wipe the baby oil of the leather seats of that benz.. LMAO
“my friend told me she took her “tracks” out while in the car on a date one time…..cause dude was boring and she had an earlyappointment at the shop the next day….”
Shay-d-lady–now that gets the “keeping it real” award (I can give out awards can’t I…lol)
Now this right here is HILARIOUS!!!
1. I really am not too fond of “perpetual anythings” about a person, but i don’t really feel a complainer (did I just make a complaint). So if he hates his life, his job, his mama, his apartment/house/condo-im already somewhere else in my mind and I have mentally left the date.
2. I like to be able after said date to really take a man in (i do appreciate a call to make sure I got in ok) but don’t call me in the morning and ask me if i woke up ok or how I slept. Don’t call me in the early afternoon (the next day) and ask me how I like the weather. GIVE me the opportunity to THINK ABOUT YOUR @ZZ (without you helping it) for the LOVE OF GOD.
3. (But let me not think about your @zz for too dam!n long)…
My attention span is pretty short thanks to my self-diagnosed A.D.D so dude will NOT get a second date if he does not follow up at least within the week. Within 48 hours is perferred, for then I know that he feels me. If a week or more has lasped then I know I didn’t set off any bells, chimes, tub boat horns, or alarms. He is not into me (can’t wait for the movie btw.) And I can’t really be bothered with a few exceptions: his cat died, his dog died or he was in the hospital suffering from a non-life threatening and non-sexually transmitted situation.
so i just read everybody’s responses (along with the rest of P’s last entry) and it looks like i didn’t answer the question correctly..but what the hell. thats my list. deal wit it.
thats okay. i’m assuming all the starbucks in the area were closed
~ repeatedly turn whatever they say into a surprising inquiry.
them: “football is my favorite sport.”
you: “you like football?!”
them: “i bought my first house earlier this year.”
you: “you own a house?!”
them: “you look really good in that outfit.”
you: “you think i look nice?!”
~ mention you have to pick up your kids from their daddies’ houses.
~ ask him if he wants to meet for lunch after your visit to the free clinic later in the week. “i know a place that has great crab cakes!”
~ periodically look at an inanimate object and ask “did you hear that?”
~ sporadically interject nonsense syllables into the convo. if brought to your attn, pretend you are clueless and deny any accusations of talking gibberish.
(this also works with random utterances of “meow” (c) Super Troopers)
~ play with your phone for a few minutes, ignore anything your date says, and let out a snorting, gasping laugh. then excitedly announce, “i’m so glad my new phone hooks up to the internet–now i can check my favorite blog site whenever, wherever!”
repeatedly turn whatever they say into a surprising inquiry.
them: “football is my favorite sport.”
you: “you like football?!”
them: “i bought my first house earlier this year.”
you: “you own a house?!”
them: “you look really good in that outfit.”
you: “you think i look nice?!”
how about a disdainful inquiry
them: “football is my favorite sport.”
you: “you LIKE football?!” hmph
and then when they ask What? answer every single time with
“nothing.. i mean if you like it, I love it or some other equally annoying catch phrase…
OR answer with annoyance “nothing… it’s just my ex used to like football” or whatever was questioned to begin with.
yeah, both of those are good ones…lol good job.
Let’s see…here’s my list:
1. Talk about how wonderful your ex was.
2. Tell them you would go out on another date, but you’re allergic to ugly.
3. Keep asking them to repeat themselves. That’ll get on their nerves.
. Keep asking them to repeat themselves. That’ll get on their nerves.
yeah.. that shyt is annoying as hell
“2. Tell them you would go out on another date, but you’re allergic to ugly.”
or, you could tell someone “you know, i thought you were better looking when i met you in the club. with all due respect, i can’t be seen in public with you.”
or, you could tell someone “you know, i thought you were better looking when i met you in the club. with all due respect, i can’t be seen in public with you.”
followed by, “soooooo… back to your place???”
“followed by, “soooooo… back to your place???””
Oh dayum. That is HARSH!
Overly talking about the ex DEFINITELY works.
I just tell guys that I just left from hiding in my exes bushes and this date was a great food break.
LOL
In the middle of the date, or once you see it going down hill, go in your purse and pull out a medical face mask. Don’t even flinch while doing it. when he asks WTF. Tell him you think you may be allergic to his cologne or fabric softener. Then sit there like he’s the one that’s crazy.
Note: I have a sensitive nose and this has actually happened to me. Most recently, a dude I actually liked suggested I take Benadryl next time we saw each other.
you pulled out the mask?
No. But I did ask him what he was wearing–repeatedly. As it turned out, my downstairs neighbor was smoking cigarettes. They make me ill.
LMAO I can’t imagine someone pulling out the mask on a date. Definite mood killer, especially if you put it on during the approach for the goodnight kiss.
I’m still laughing at the visual.
best time ever to pull out the mask. And you should say your excuse is “one of you two had onions at dinner. this is just a precaution”
or ask (if he is the conservative type) him when he tells you were you going.. dayum.. I wonder if they gone let me bring my gun up in there? LOL
or loudly call him a “pu$$y” for anything he says he dosent do or things that he does that are usually considered assets… aw ninja you dont smoke? you’s a pu$$y a$$ ninja.. aw ninja you got a job? you’s a pu$$y.. you dont know nothing about bein out here in these streets…..
Wow, this would have been the worst date ever.
or call everything ‘some ol’ b!tch sh!t’
wow…we might be some fightin’ ninjas.
which is almost ironic since ninjas, do, ya know, fight.
and when i say ironic i mean it like alanis morrissette does…as in, nothing’s actually ironic.
wow…we might be some fightin’ ninjas.
LOL I think we would be as it seems obvious that you nor me knows when to say when..I aint never scared though…
Nothing too outlandish, I guess . I’ve ended a date by excusing myself to the bathroom and walking out to my car. Ladies, this is why you always take your own vehicle on the 1st date.
Still snickering at that Beyonce’ interview jab…lol
Did your friend really think ya’ll were going places after two hours and a dinner? Talk about delusional.
I feel you mtl. Never eeeevah, eeeeevah evah let a man drive on that first date! Every single time I have done this I have regretted it. Every. Single. Time.
Very true, for safety reasons and for dipping on a ninja. I am surprised that more women don’t do that, I thought everybody knew that…. ***the more you know***
You’d be suprised how many times I have to reiterate this to my girls. They think they’re being mean, or not trusting of the guy.
You can’t be too mean when it comes to your safety.
Your safety and theirs. Cuz honestly… bad dates can drive people to homicide.
wow. hopefully you at least sent a text message saying that something came up and you left. . .and “don’t call me, I’ll call you”.
No—no message, no return calls.
I’m sure he got the message.
I’m not a nice person…lol
“No—no message, no return calls.
I’m sure he got the message.
I’m not a nice person…lol”
oh wow. this definitely would warrant a throat jab
Hah!!!!
“oh wow. this definitely would warrant a throat jab”
word, i would be pet if duke caught me in the mall
Luckily I’ve only been on a few dates where I wanted to leave. This one time I started flirting with other chicks and making inappropriate comments about other females in the vicinity. Basically I started acting like how every man wants to act, but doesn’t in fear of getting a punched to the throat by his woman. Women have a term for that, I think it’s called a “dog”
how did the chick react?
She’s a chck, she did what came natural.
How to not get a second date from me:
Ask me if I like exotic things, and then proceed to tell me that you do….you like lions, cheetahs and rainbows.
Tell me that you have leather curtains AND leather socks.
It’s over.
whats wrong with leather socks?
Every man should own a pair of leather socks!!! I have a pair on right now. They match perfectly with my brown quarterroid boxer briefs
what about a silk peacoat?
Oh hell no.
lol… i’m just saying. a pair of open-toe square toes might get you in there
I wish you could see the look of staunch refusal on my face.
1. While at the table, ask the waiter where the restroom is and if there’s a window and/or back door. Turn to date, smile, then jovially say “Be right back!”
2. Have an intense conversation via text message and include all pertinent sound effects, including but not limited to obnoxious laughter, over-exaggerated gasps, random “No he didn’t?!” and “What?!” statements, etc. Don’t even look up from your phone.
3. Pull out your camera and start taking pictures of yourself. If he asks what you’re doing, say “Well I can’t let this outfit completely go to waste.”
4. If you’re a guy, sigh and say “I knew this straight thing wouldn’t work.” (As a woman, I’d be careful with that one…a guy might be even more interested.)
5. Randomly stop and scratch yourself intensely as if you think something is crawling on you. Do this multiple times.
6. Randomly reenact scenes from your favorite movies. Start with Color Purple: Start rockin…Sat there in that chair
“3. Pull out your camera and start taking pictures of yourself. If he asks what you’re doing, say “Well I can’t let this outfit completely go to waste.””
lol…good one and sh*t
4. If you’re a guy, sigh and say “I knew this straight thing wouldn’t work.” (As a woman, I’d be careful with that one…a guy might be even more interested.)
i actually tried to tell a chick i was gay before. do you know this heffa flat out said, “no you’re not so you can just keep that lie.”
sometimes, it actually doesn’t work.
“i actually tried to tell a chick i was gay before. do you know this heffa flat out said, “no you’re not so you can just keep that lie.”
haha! wow. At that point you should have asked for that back door…pause.
LOL!!!!! “Well I can’t let this outfit completely go to waste.” Cuz that would be exactly what I would be thinking.
“Randomly stop and scratch yourself intensely as if you think something is crawling on you. Do this multiple times.”
guilty of this one when i dont want nobody sittin next 2 me on the bus
I am in a division meeting with over 40 of my colleagues and literally have tears streaming down my face because I can not LOL! y’all are a mess
are you wearing mascara too? just asking cause that wouldnt be a good look
Ways to irritate any date:
1. Ask your date to use his cell phone repeatedly and have long misc conversations.
2. Develop an annoying laugh or snort and do it as many times as possible on the date.
3. Keep walking up to random dudes on the date saying you know them even though you don’t…in fact, walk up to random chicks too.
4. Hold the person’s hand and then walk hunched over. (Even a man that loves you will be irritated by this one.)
5. Talk about how you live at home with all your siblings and how you’ve made a pact to always be roommates
6. Whenever you see a policecar or police officer, duck behind trashcans and have a meltdown about how you only have one strike left.
7. Talk about love and marriage from the moment the date starts and then ask a relevant question. (i.e., I want so badly to be in love again. Do you want to be in love? I want 5 kids in the next 7 years. You think you could you handle 5 kids?)
8. Don’t smile…at all.
5. Talk about how you live at home with all your siblings and how you’ve made a pact to always be roommates
thats pretty damn funny if i do say so myself. though, a smart guy would be like, “do you have any sisters that look like you? cuz if so, we can just film a pr0n called “sister-on-sister-on-me vol. 1″
“4. Hold the person’s hand and then walk hunched over. (Even a man that loves you will be irritated by this one.)”
lol…this would just confuse me. i’d have no idea what to do
I would try #8 and not smile, but I think I would bust out laughing at trying to concentrate on not smiling…
For women the easiest one is just be ugly.
For dudes we have a whole buffet of a-holia available to us for instance…
1. Mention that since you’re paying for the date you expect something in return. Bonus a-holia: Act like you’re doing her a favor by leaving the option open for anyday this week. Something like “it doesn’t have to be tonight, any day this week is fine”
2. Use your fork to take a bite of her food while she’s eating. Bonus a-holia: Bite off a little bit off your fork then attempt to feed her the other part.
3. Openly gawk at another woman as she walks by. Bonus a-holia: Excitedly comment about her sexiness and ask your first date to co-sign.
4. Make a disparaging remark about her people/culture. Bonus a-holia: Tell her not her, she seems like one of the “good ones”.
5. Openly field other women’s phone calls and texts as the date is going on. Bonus a-holia: Seek her empathy for you always having to deal with “these useless hoes”.
I
Hate
You.
yet I e-Love you. Its a dysfunctional relationship we got going on here.
love, schmove….you get my email?
Did you get mine?
1. Mention that since you’re paying for the date you expect something in return. Bonus a-holia: Act like you’re doing her a favor by leaving the option open for anyday this week. Something like “it doesn’t have to be tonight, any day this week is fine”
that’s so beautifully wonderful that i just hi-fived my administrative assistant in rejoicefulness.
For women the easiest one is just be ugly.
so then um, how’d they get the first date? you met in a club? and got drunk before you could see her in some light?
lol…a-hole story from panama: so (hanging head in shame) i met this chick in the club some years ago and didn’t see her in the light. i talked to her on the phone a few times but i really didnt remember what she looked like. she sent me a picture of herself thru email…
poof.vamoose.son of a b*tch.
like i didnt answer her calls, emails, or anything anymore.
oh well.
Sadness.
I’ve done it too, though.
Ugmo’s gets no love.
LOL but you know also that night time attractiveness doesn’t always transfer well to the light. The short skirts, high heels, and long weave looks great as your lip singing “So Fly (airplane noise)”.
Next day @ Ruby Tuesday’s regular jeans and a top? Not so much.
At least you didn’t invite have s3x with her . . . intoxicated one night stands are fun unitl you become sober. In my situation I didn’t see what she looked like until a few days later.
“ol…a-hole story from panama: so (hanging head in shame) i met this chick in the club some years ago and didn’t see her in the light. i talked to her on the phone a few times but i really didnt remember what she looked like. she sent me a picture of herself thru email…”
This reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld.
“she sent me a picture of herself thru email…”
whats funny is me and my current bf met once at night, talked onthe phone every night, then traded pictures and when we went on a date and saw each other face to face, we were both very (VERY) pleasantly surprised that pictures did neither of us justice…:)
just thought i’d share, lol
Ummm… yea… you really have a good hold on this list of ways to be an arse… Lol.
“4. Make a disparaging remark about her people/culture. Bonus a-holia: Tell her not her, she seems like one of the “good ones”.”
lol wow, i can’t even count how many times some one has done this to me
2. Use your fork to take a bite of her food while she’s eating. Bonus a-holia: Bite off a little bit off your fork then attempt to feed her the other part.
Bonus, Bonus: Bite off a little bit then say it’s nasty and put it back on her plate.
“2. Use your fork to take a bite of her food while she’s eating. Bonus a-holia: Bite off a little bit off your fork then attempt to feed her the other part.”
I met a guy not too long ago at a lounge. He bought me a drink, and then took a sip out of it..twice!
I was like
…..
Sad to say, his boldness made me like him more, lmao.
Help me, Jesus.
2. Use your fork to take a bite of her food while she’s eating. Bonus a-holia: Bite off a little bit off your fork then attempt to feed her the other part.”
I met a guy not too long ago at a lounge. He bought me a drink, and then took a sip out of it..twice!
I was like
…..
Sad to say, his boldness made me like him more, lmao.
Help me, Jesus.
Iounknow bout that one.. he.ll me and my husband had a vicious fight about him licking the top of my ice cream cone before handing it to me while in the drive thru.. I was also pregnant at the time but that shyt pi$$es me off….and presumably I know where his mouth has been…LOL
The ice cream thing would have pissed me off too.
I was mad at dude, yet….intrigued.
1. Mention that since you’re paying for the date you expect something in return. Bonus a-holia: Act like you’re doing her a favor by leaving the option open for anyday this week. Something like “it doesn’t have to be tonight, any day this week is fine”
LOL I actually had a guy do me like this about oral s.e.x… uh no sir.. that was a prime number act right there son..
Pull out a mirror, baking soda, and a blade. Cut the baking soda into lines, sniff it and then turn to him seductively and say “Your turn”.
hmm…i wonder if risking jail time is the way to go? lol…cuz if your date can see it, i’m guessing so can the staff at whatever establishment you’re at…
don’t do drugs kids.
D@mn you’re right……Back to the drawing board.
What about accidently dropping a crack pipe, and sheepishly mentioning that you’re trying to quit.
WOW.
I would run like Forrest.
I usually just hit on all the waitresses and then act like this is the nicest place I ever been (this one works well when u at a Red Lobster or Olive Garden) and talk about the doggy bag for all ur kids.
“this one works well when u at a Red Lobster or Olive Garden”
what about chic-a-fila?
Mmmm now I want some diabetic coma inducing lemonade.
I might make my way over there during lunch.
chic-a-fila is the devil. There chicken Biscuits are like horse tranquilizers to me
lol…I’ve never had their breakfast. If it’s packin that much of a punch, I may never have it.
You know, this one doesn’t work all of the time. The other day, I was out in the ‘burbs and my date wanted to go to McDonalds, so we stopped there.
They had fountains and flatscreens and ish. It blew my mind….
Yeah Mickey D’s done came up, in Raleigh there is a McDonald’s that my friends started hosting an open mic in, and it is very successful…..
Jack In the Crack has updated their dining rooms as well. Funny ish.
awwww Jack In The Crack. i miss their shakes
I would say the easiest one to do if you don’t want another date:
Compare everything your date is doing to past boyfriends.
“You like ranch? My ex was a blue cheese man.”
“My ex drank Long Islands too!!”
“My ex brought me to this restaurant once. He actually bought out the entire restaurant so that we could have an intimate one on one dinner, but I don’t mind having to hold this little remote and wait an hour before it vibrates.”
“My ex brought me to this restaurant once. He actually bought out the entire restaurant so that we could have an intimate one on one dinner, but I don’t mind having to hold this little remote and wait an hour before it vibrates.”
I’m not gonna lie that just made me mad reading it lol. Good job.
Whoo hoo!
*Clicks legs together mid-air*
‘Compare everything your date is doing to past boyfriends.”
“i like food”
“word?? my ex loved food too. wow, you’re exactly like him”
yeah. this would suck
Killer.
Just become boring in your own right. Zone out, stop communicating. Shake their hand when you leave and walk off all cool.
Fall off the grid. Don’t answer their calls, emails, myspace, or facebook. Hopefully they don’t know where you live.
-JM
MrSwagger.com
“Shake their hand when you leave and walk off all cool.”
a peace sign would work even better
I have thrown up the peace sign at the end of a first date…even he had to laugh. He knew I wasn’t calling him back.
a peace sign would work even better
throw the double deuces and then say. “Outty Five” LMAO
“Hopefully they don’t know where you live.”
You never let them know where you live. I’m always vague as f*ck, talking bout, “yeah I’m right off the highway.”
::snicker::
ohhhh i wish i could do the same. i live in a fairly high traffic area near the universities and 2 blocks from where i work. so people randomly see me walking home and call me like “i see you!! where are you going?? you LIVE around here??” if i had known i was gonna have a problem with stalkers when i moved to this city, i woulda picked somewhere less conspicuous to live.
“Fall off the grid. Don’t answer their calls, emails, myspace, or facebook. Hopefully they don’t know where you live.”
- Bingo.
This works on most occassions, however, if so chick/dude consistently pursues, you have to be more firm.
When I’m unhappy or bored with a date, I just pick up another person and talk to them. That’s why I always make the first date at a bar or lounge instead of a restaurant, it’s easier to draw strangers into your conversation there. Sometimes the person is just another female patron, sometimes I pick up a guy I like more than the one I’m with. Either way, my original date gets annoyed that I’m talking more to another person than him and usually wraps our date up really quick. And of course, they don’t ask me out again. The really wild part is, I’ve actually ended up dating a couple of the guys I’ve met that way. Yes, I know this sounds terrible. I have no defense, I’m just a direct-to the-point-of-bluntness person.
“When I’m unhappy or bored with a date, I just pick up another person and talk to them”
i have a friend who, while he was on a first date with this “boring-ass” chick, saw a chick he used to mess with at the bar, started talking to her, and eventually went back to his whip and hit.
moral of the story: i think my friend’s a liar
when the conversation turns to careers or what you do for a living… tell her you’re an aspiring rapper, and give her your myspace page.
tell her you’re looking to settle down b/c you’ve been h0e’ing around lately
out of nowhere just say, “dum-dum-diddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” (c) Fresh Prince
tell her you plan on voting for mccain-palin
turn the volume up on your cell & make sure someone calls your phone in the middle of the date… just so she can hear, “Marco Polo,” as your ringtone
when it’s time to order drinks, ask if they have any Sutter Home… or just order a Quality House/Heaven Hill & cranberry
wear anything Fubu on the date
During conversation, find a way to segway into, “That Clay Aiken… have your heard? I sure didn’t see that one coming!”
tell her you’re in school… for computers
“out of nowhere just say, “dum-dum-diddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” (c) Fresh Prince”
See, once I got over the initial shock…I’ma start singing Teddy’s Jam, and then whatchagondo?
hmm… probably propose to you!
LOL, I love it.
“tell her you plan on voting for mccain-palin”
Yeah this is a sure fire way to make a black woman angry at you.
“tell her you’re in school… for computers”
man, thats a lucrative career. all the commercials i see for computer school say so.
‘Boogie…I know we shouldnt say this to one another as Black people, but you can’t SPELL muthaf*cking technology…know good and hell well yo ass aint into nothing technical…You shouldn’t even judge a book by its cover, BUT…there’s nothing about you that says computer OR school.”
-Steve Harvey
The rapper/myspace thing would be wrap for me!
“The rapper/myspace thing would be wrap for me!”
even if he had 1,100 friends on his myspace page and, “Stack Dat Cheese,” got 700 plays?
Lol. “Stack Dat Cheese”? Yea… you’re assuming I would reach the myspace page.
Honestly… rap is not my thing period… and it never goes through my mind “oh, maybe he’s a good rapper”… No. Chances are he’s not. And even if he were, he should find someone who can truly appreciate it. I will NOT listen to any friend’s mixtape/track because chances are after I do, I’ll have to come up with ways to justify our friendship in spite of it.
does he also take his girls honda up to Dallas to battle amateurs? WHILE she lets him hold her ATM card???
something something something, stack dat cheese….
turn the volume up on your cell & make sure someone calls your phone in the middle of the date… just so she can hear, “Marco Polo,” as your ringtone
A guy asked for my number in Mcdonalds recently and his ring tone was Three six slob on my knob…
and if you are not familiar the song goes
slob on my knob
like corn on the cob
check in with me
and do your job
lay on the bed
and give me head
dont have to ask
dont have to beg
juicy is my name,
sex is my game
lets call my boys
lets run a train
he never stopped the phone and even sang a long while going.. Hey, Hey
shyt.. you fine aint it…I likes me a thick one.. LMAO I started to shoot his a$$ in the knee caps but I already got 2 strikes..
I haven’t heard that song in ages…lmao!!!
I can’t believe that’s a song. I would accuse you of lying but then there was that Trillville song with something along the lines of “I’ll follow that as through the mall. Take you home and let you juggle my balls.”
This world makes me cry sometimes.
I would never suggest for anyone to watch anything on B.E.T at anytime. BUT, for situations where your trying to end a date early I would suggest you watch the TV show called “Hell Date” and take a few notes from there
See the problem with Hell Date is that for the women at least, they’re too attractive and they don’t go over the top enough so its hard for the guy to think its a Hell Date.
For example the women will be like, “Yeah I got 5 kids by 6 men!” The guy will say “tell me more about how you got these kids…”
“See the problem with Hell Date is that for the women at least, they’re too attractive and they don’t go over the top enough so its hard for the guy to think its a Hell Date.”
i actually agree. either they need some less attractive chicks, or better actresses.
See the problem with Hell Date is that for the women at least, they’re too attractive and they don’t go over the top enough so its hard for the guy to think its a Hell Date.”
but the buy in is what makes it funny to me.. the fact that these people are thinking these are legitimate dates.. you can read their minds.. this bytch crazy but I am gone get some.. the one where the chick was a cat? LMAO dude was all over that ..
yeah they have some good ones.. the one where the dude thought he was going to get some from the the white chick was funny and so was the one where the girl made a song out of everything.. LOL
on the 1st date… try to kiss her as soon as you see her.
I’ve actually done this before and it worked.
*Pops collar and walks away*
the dog in me gives you props… but then i think of hepatitis. lol
That’s right, don’t give in to the dark side.
You got a problem with me being dark?
You know what…
“try to kiss her as soon as you see her”
*throat punch*
“try to kiss her as soon as you see her”
*throat punch*
mission accomplished!
LOL–I like your style, you’ve got moxie kid.
I went out w/ this dude to the movies and he put my bags in his trunk…you know the normal thing to do…
sooo after the movie he takes me home and hands me my bags….you know the normal thing to do….
as i enter my house i felt something crawling up my right arm and started scrathing right. right.
look down and it was a baby roach….
i place the bag on the floor b/c me have roaches is a no no….come on now that is my biggest fear and all
(brace yourself people) i pour my clothes out and it was like a million roaches started cawling out like roach proud parade or something
i was screaming and slapboxing with these immigrants for one whole HOUR!!!
dude call me when he got home (come on now like you didn’t know you had this problem dude!)
never talked to him ever ever ever never again….!
one HOUR i was in war! one HOUR!!!!!!
After reading this, I am angry for you.
this might be the single worst thing i’ve ever heard before in my life.
how do you get roaches in your car? seriously… was he stashing bodies in the trunk?
This just gave me the heebie jeebies.
I’m not happy…lol
I’ve always been curious at to how people have roaches in their cars. That ish is just plain nasty!!!!
I’m mad you were slapboxing with the “waterbugs”…..
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
yep yep people….I was praying and everything. pissed is not even the word for the situation…
one HOUR!!!
i’m laughing at this b/c its so sad.
also, Roach Pride Parade? LMAO. me likey.
yeah i know you would…= ]~
I went out w/ this dude to the movies and he put my bags in his trunk…you know the normal thing to do…
why did you have bags?
on another note.. EWWWWWWW I am now jumping everytime something touches me for fear its a roach
dammit, I shouldn’t have read this sh*t while eating my ngiri…. thanks bunches. you owe me $14.95 plus tax
Damn.
This post made my day.
I’m so glad that I am finished eating…
btw: ewwwwwwwww x 10
i’ve been doing a lot of blind dates recently. and whenever i’m not interested in a second date, i pretend to have ocd. i dump the sugar/splenda container onto the table while i chat and reorganize all the packets in alphabetical order based on the first letter of the color of the packet and i order them so that they face the same way. when i’m done with that, i pretend to be concentrating really hard on lining up my fork and knife even with the edge of the table… if he still seems interested, i start working on his fork and knife.
lol… i’ve actually done very similar things before, and been slightly serious becuz i have short bouts of ocd-like behavior lol. but it didn’t work! even after the weird/confused looks and impatient “what are you doing?” and “are you ok?” questions, i still get the “you have issues, but it’s ok, it’s kinda cute” reaction. like they would be completely ok with the idea of taking me for a psych consult and then out lunch.
or…
…you could begin every sentence with “well, the champ said that…” or, “you know, panama wrote about this last week, and…”
when they ask who “the champ” and “panama” are, just say “don’t worry about them. just worry about me”
hilarious.
thinking out loud, “hmmm, i’ve been in this scenario before. what would the champ do?”
“what would the champ do?”
Not much.
*Snicker*
Oh! (dice clay style)
Ladies is you want to guarantee that the unwanted date won’t bother you for a second date all you have to do is order the most expensives sh!t on the menu, drink that ninja out of a house and home, or order one of everything on the menu like your the King of Zamunda.
Yeah, but sometimes that’ll just end up with you having to split the check.
Not if you don’t bring your purse.
::snicker::
If a dude wore a R. Kelly pied piper mask there would be no second date, but I would take pictures for the good people at VSB!
and we’d salute you.
exhibit any behavior of Dwight K. Shrute from The Office. he’s the epitome of ackwardness, lameness, and all things unsexy in this world…. at least it’ll be entertaining.
Lol. Yes! The Office! Can’t wait for the premiere tonight. Dwight is so unreal.
I love the Office. Stanley is my boy though, I love his looks of disgust.
Stanley is the truth.
Creed is also hilarious. His blog is too funny.
I will have to check that out.
lol OMG yes, he is a H.A.M!! i was watching a season 3 ep last night where Michael puts Oscar’s homosexuality on blast. and Creed’s response is, “I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many women, often outdoors in the mud and the rain. And it’s possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.” LMAO
LOL! I remember that quote. Creed is a special brand of peculiar.
lol @ special brand of peculiar. i love it!
i’ve been waiting for this for sooooo long (that’s what she said lol)!!! i’ve cleared my schedule and everything. i already missed Lipstick Jungle’s premiere and had to catch up online. yay
The lipstick jungle premiere is already on surfthechannel dot com.
I’m so happy to find other Office fans on VSB!
yeah i watched LJ on abc.com at like 1am even knowing i had to be up early for work lol. and yaaay for vsb The Office fans
Hmmm, I’m late today. But yeah, I’d just burp, fart, and smile if I wanted to get out of going on a 2nd date. Anybody who still wants to see me after that has serious issues and probably enjoyed 2 Girls 1 Cup.
2 Girls 1 Cup still gives me nightmares.
2 Girls 1 Cup still gives me nightmares.
I did not know what this was… I googled it.. oh..my…gawd…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Do you watch through the end?!?!? lol.
I didnt even watch it.. thats my comment after READING the description…
My girl… I watched the first 10 seconds or so… Listen… don’t watch it… you can NEVER get your life back after that…
I start talking about the amazing fairytale life we’d lead together. The beautiful 2.5 kids, the dog, cat, canary, fish aquarium, the hamster, and ant collection. How I could see us growing old together starting next week, when we rent Pretty Woman, pop popcorn and paint my toe nails his favorite color!!!!
tell a chick you would be proud to see her pregnant with your seed.
i had this happen to me more than once… all these ninjas got nexted with the QUICKNESS…
there’s one who still calls me even though i told him i am MARRIED. i think he secretly hopes it won’t work out and he will slide right in. mind you, we went out on ONE date nearly 4 years ago.
i gotta change my cell phone number.
The moral of the story:
“i gotta change my cell phone number.”
If I was on a bad date I just excused myself to the ladies room and never came back. Ever.
That has worked for me.
I’m sorry.
That chick asked you “where is this going” after 2 hours?!?!
That’s ridiculous. I need her to get a clue.
Tell me the story about how you were “raped” by three women, in a not-so-subtle attempt to show off how desirable you must be to have a menage a FOUR.
Me: “You were raped? So you were on the bottom and somehow restrained.”
Him: “What? Pshh, no way I was on the bottom, and no, not restrained.”
Me: “Then how does that amount to rape?”
Him: “I wasn’t sure if they were gonna let me go.”
Me: (shaking my head)