Link of The Week: Next.
You know how normal people go out on a gazillion first and second dates and stuff to get to know people? Well, that was never really me. I was never dating a gazillion people. I usually find one I like and stick to ’em.
But I have been on my fair share of dates. Hell, now that I think about it, I’ve been on dates where I didn’t even REALIZE I was on a date. I remember this one particular philly. She was a friend of a friend who was moving to DC so I offered to show her around. Apparently you can’t offer to show people around a city without being interested.
Anywho, we go to get something to eat one day and out of nowhere she hits me with: “so where is this going?”
Me: Um, well that bus right there goes right down by the monuments.
Her: No, us. What are we doing?
Me: Us? We’re eating dinner. For the first time ever. So what could you possibly be asking me?
Her: I’m saying, are we dating or what?
Me: I just met you. 2 hours ago.
Let’s just say her arse got nexted real quick. Being the nice fella that I am though, I took her home that night instead of making her catch the bus like I wanted to do. Fact is, my situation isn’t special. There are lot of people out there who end up going out on dates with people that end up being as interesting as a Beyonce interview. And for those that haven’t seen a Beyonce interview, that isn’t a good thing. In fact, its quite drole and boring.
I do love her though.
So let’s say you are on a first date and realize you don’t want a second one.
Well, CNN.com has …
I’m watching MTVJams right now and Plies video for “I Am Da Club” or something is on. This is a terrible, terrible song. And video. Plies needs Jesus. This video is the a*s of videos. I do not like John Legend either.
Anyway, CNN has come up with their own list for how not to get a second date. It’s pretty good. Hell, some of them remind me of things I wish I could do. To wit:
• Inappropriate disclosure of the personal kind. You know how you’ve always really admired the curve of your brother’s bum in his too-tight pair of Wranglers? Share that little tidbit and see what happens.
• Inappropriate disclosure of the medical kind. You’ve been wondering whether that festering bump on your bikini line is a herpes sore or just an ingrown hair. Make tonight the night you get a second opinion.
• Perplexing Puppetry. All you need is a pen to draw the eyes and mouth and you’ve got yourself a Señor Wences-style hand puppet. Once your date starts getting on your nerves (and on any first date, the chances are 70/30 in favor of that happening), insist that he address his comments to the hand. Bonus points if you can up the annoyance ante with a fake foreign accent. He will think you’re a nutter, and not in a good way.
Pretty good, especially the puppetry thing. The worst thing about that one is that your date is essentially cornered. It ain’t like they can really go anywhere.
I have my own short list of ways to guarantee one date only:
Make everythign rhyme – I’d want to shoot you for doing this. In fact, I think I’d be pissed. Dammit, that wasn’t supposed to rhyme. I just can’t stop myself, it should be a crime. F*CK.
Sneeze a lot – Follow me with this one. One of my boys broke up with a chick because she blew her nose too much. Just imagine being on a date with somebody who sneezed every 2 seconds. I’d never call them again. I’d think they were allergic to me.
Jab them in the neck – Pretty much guarantees that they’ll never ever want to see you again.
That’s just my short list. What say you ? Any of you all gotten out of dealing with somebody for a second date by doing something outlandish? What are some other ways to secure a one-date-only diet?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST