Theory & Essay

Lies, Damn Lies, and Wonderbras.

Fact. Men are fascinated by female-parts. We appreciate curves and love to play Guess What’s Under That Dress, despite knowing exactly what’s under that dress.

With that in mind, Colonel Sanders isn’t the only man who’s got breasts on the brain all day long. It is with this in mind and also with great dismay that I must say that wonderbras are the most evil and vile invention known to humankind.

Wonderbras are deception and deception is evil. I’m sure it’s in the Bible somewhere. Probably in Tupac 6:16 or something – but I’m sure it’s in there. And do you know why wonderbras are evil?

Before we answer this, let’s talk about deception. For example…if I meet you in the club and you CLEARLY had two legs when you were at the bar, and you fail to mention that one of them belongs to the lab up the street, but I get your number and we go out and then one day when things go “there” between us you remove your fake leg…well, I’m going to be pissed. And I’m not going to be pissed that you have a fake leg, I have no problem with that. I’m going to be pissed that you didn’t think I was big enough of a person to tell me until the very last moment for fear that I wouldn’t like you anymore!! You deceived me and you know what…

…it hurts.

Though it can’t hurt worse than being thrown out of my place for frontin’ like you had two legs. And there is nothing wrong with only having one leg. I applaud the spirit many one legged folks have. Clearly, they are well versed in dealing with unfair situations. I, however, do not like deception. And if you are up in the club with TWO legs and a week later you only have ONE and you HAVEN’T been in a car accident, well, I’m just saying I won’t date you anymore. Not sure how you bring it up in the club, but if I have to find out on my own that you got a fake leg, AND I MET YOU IN THE CLUB, (which means it was all physical attraction) then you, madam, are a liar.

And nowhere is this fact truer than in the case of the most evil: wonder bras.

Wonder bras are deception at its finest. They play up on man’s fascination with breasts and our attraction to them and lead us astray!! They intentionally deceive. They are evil. Now I’ll admit, men’s obsession with breasts is clearly the culprit here. HOWEVER, a woman will know this and enhance her own, in order to lure the man into her web…ONLY to have to be found out later (assuming it gets there) that she was indeed telling untruths about herself. And this isn’t like makeup where SOME semblance of your face has to be present, though, I’ll admit I’ve met some women who basically had to remove a whole face in order to get to who they really were:

Gremlins.

Anyway, wonderbras are lies. All lies. I can’t help the fact that women’s assets are on display and men’s aren’t. If a dude even starts bragging on the size of his Army, well, then you have grounds for dismissal if you find he has been lying. It’s the same thing intentional deception in hopes of securing personal gain. But see, the man only has his mouthpiece (unless of course somebody pulls your shit out in the club or amusement park or church), women have let wonderbras do all the talking for them.

Wonderbras make liars out of good women…

…because wonder bras are evil.

-VSB P

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is a co-founder of VSB and co-author of Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    And I’m not going to be pissed that you have a fake leg, I have no problem with that.

    You are ridiculous.

    I have no direct experience with wonderbras, because I do not need them. However, I am always in the market for a good minimizer. If wonderbras are evil, does that make minimizers heaven sent?

    P.S. You are going to hell for the entire leg example. Just an FYI.

    • Leila

      Co-sign on the wonderbra. I never needed one either. They are deceiving, but I can see why women would wear them. It allows them to feel better about themselves. It’s tough for women because there’s much pressure to look good from head to toe. That’s why women turn to wonderbras, butt pads, make-up, implants, etc to look better.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        True, good point. I think therefore wonderbras *are* evil, but different than the reasons Panama points out. His are clearly self-serving!

      • Miss Patterson

        true it is tough. i was given many downright evil nicknames as a teenager for my lack of spillage. and most of those nicknames were assigned by other girls…go figure.

        • Leila

          By women? I’m surprised. I was jealous of women with smaller cup sizes growing up because you can wear the tiny shirts. When you have a larger cup size, you have to be careful how you dress and get a lot of unwanted attention.

          • Miss Patterson

            I’m not actually surprised that the nicknames came from women…who do we shop with, undress in the locker room with, b*tch about our bodies with…etc. I had friends growing up who expressed their jealousy in that back-handed compliment sort of way like…”gurl at least you when can wear those baby tees, if i were flat like you I’d wear those all the time too” girls are mean…especially adolescent girls.

          • yellahamma

            or your so called homegirls know you look good w/ur big ones so they tell you that you aint wearing the shit out yo clothes so they look better. Loves my spillage! cant do the wonder bra thing I find them to be uncomfortable. Ne1 else feel like that?

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @Miss patterson. As a former memer of the IBTC (itty bitty titty committee), I, too got teased by the big breasted brods ( AKA my sisters) because they were jealous that they couldn’t wear the pink, purple, yellow, etc bras. Women always hate.

    • JBoogie

      Wonderbras…were always funny to me. I never had use for one either…God blessed me and then some. I co-sign on the minimizer. And I don’t care for the stares I get sometimes…unless of course it’s someone I might be interested in LOL.

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Liz. I stand behind minimizers and am wearing one today! Dudes just don’t understand how powerful and distracting breasts really are.

      • http://www.sonicstorm.com Anechoic

        Umm, trust me, we do!

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      no P’s going to hell because he’s a blasphemer

      “Tupac 6:16″? WTF!?!?

      the leg example secured him property in a gated community in hell.

  • Fulanigirl

    my cups runneth over so I don’t need a wonderbra…..

    However, Panama I have found the equivalent to it

    ****Australian underwear company aussieBum makes undies for men who want their package to appear bigger.

    “It basically lifts, separates and extends,” said aussieBum founder Sean Ashby.

    “This design uses all of the natural assets of the person, whether they be big, small or indifferent.”

    The underwear features a ‘wondercup’, a pouch used to “separate and stop squashing”…….. the company has sold more than 50,000 pairs in Australia and overseas.**** :( deception at its finest

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Fulanigirl. I don’t think those drawls would fool me. We all know, it’s not until that thang is out of the drawls and in your hand will you know the TRUE size of it :P

      • genius khan

        Elenda says: “We all know, it’s not until that thang is out of the drawls and in your hand will you know the TRUE size of it.”

        plumps in ur mouth not in ur hands. plumps even more inside ur mmmmm hhhmmmmm. feel the girth. wett yourself.

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      there is another Australian company that makes men’s drawers that has a pouch in the front that also makes mens assets look bigger than they are, I forgot their name

  • http://www.myspace.com/brwnskndlady Cryssy Crys

    <—36DD

    • Fulanigirl

      same here 36DD…i love my “girls”

  • http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse

    Men are so damn extra LOL

    I think it’s a deception when men talk about how they are good men but once they enter a relationshp they dog females out. : )

    BTW I’m part of the D club as well Cryssy. 36D as well LOL.

    • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

      “…just got a model chick
      throw some d’s on that b****!”

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @Deviant. Exactly d’s… pluarl. 38DD Thanks ;-)

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    How bout, this thread is evil cuz now every chick is bout to check in with her cup size??? You can throw 3 Ds on me tho! hahahaha!

    • malael

      “How bout, this thread is evil cuz now every chick is bout to check in with her cup size???”

      understated value of this post. panama you evil genius you did it again. throws in a jadakiss a-ha for good measure (pun intended).

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “throws in a jadakiss a-ha for good measure (pun intended).”

        the “a-ha” is the gift that keeps on giving

    • JBoogie

      I refuse to tell y’all how big the cup size is…let’s just say a reduction is a serious consideration right now…

      • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

        NOOOOO! Don’t do it J! Please! LOL! What if guys started getting dick reductions? How would you like that? Hmmm? That’s what I thought!

        • JBoogie

          LOL…guys don’t have to worry about how their clothes will fit if they are “well-endowed”…

          • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

            Maybe not the guys you know! LOL!

            • JBoogie

              I stand corrected then…didn’t think it made a difference at ALL…i mean, how big could it be SOFT LOL?

        • 2Degreez

          LOL! I’ve noticed that everytime a woman mentions getting a breast reduction, a man pops out of no where to tell her NO, or that she’s interfering with God’s perfect plan. Ya’ll don’t understand what it’s like dealing with these things.

          • JBoogie

            Amen, sista!

    • Miss Patterson

      you know what’s funny about all of these cup size confessions? when VSB published the “Hello Mr. Wang” post, I don’t recall the men chiming in with their various penis lengths…just an observation. i guess women are more comfortable with outing themselves.

      • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

        Honestly i don’t really know the answer to that. Never measured it. But I really never needed to. As long as I know that what I have gets the job done every time, I don’t care if it’s 8, 9, or 10 inches. But if any of you ladies ever get curious I am more than happy to submit myself to your measurement. :-)

        • JBoogie

          Curious minds…LOL

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @Miss Patterson. Either we are more comfortable or most men just aren’t packing. LOL!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I don’t recall the men chiming in with their various penis lengths…just an observation. i guess women are more comfortable with outing themselves.”

        apples and oranges

        • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

          “apples and oranges”…please ELABORATE i’d love to hear this…because to me it looks like penis size and breast size have the potential to provoke the same level of disappointment in the bedroom…just based on what i’m reading here.

          • JBoogie

            Oh, it most certainly does…happened on SEVERAL occasions…

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            a) its not the same. although we adore honest boobage, i dont think any of us are exactly throwing women out of bed because they were a cup size smaller than we originally thought. from what i’ve heard though, the level of disappointment some women feel in seeing a substandard wang is much greater than any thing we might feel about boobage

            b) a woman can immediately give you an accurate size measurement (ie “34d”) because its listed on your bras, but i doubt many men could immediately tell you his wang was “7.56 inches long with a 4.6 inch circumference”. all most of us know is whether or not it passes the eye test, lol…

            c)…and, even if we did know, i doubt every guy would be as forthright in sharing his info. we have over 1000 people visit this site everyday, and no guy is going to admit that he’s packing less than average (“average” being within the neighborhood of 5-7 inches erect) with this many sets of eyes reading.

            so, like i said before, apples and oranges

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Liz. *** LOL*** Man, you 1 upped me. Props.

    • http://www.sonicstorm.com Anechoic

      This discussion is pointless without pictures

  • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

    so, according to all of this new information i’m reading, immediately after we start selling our t-shirts, we need to have a vsb sponsored wet t-shirt contest. apparently “vsb” must stand for “various super-sized breasts”

    i should be in bed by now. i need a stronger nightcap. the shots of jack aren’t doing it anymore.

    • http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse

      LMAO…

      Not all big breast are created equal. I’ve seen some nice ones and some…um national geographic titties…

      • http://oget Treezy F. Baby

        LMAO now this is some classic sh*t from Muse…let’s not put her in a corner yet cause homie just came out the closet with that one!

    • Miss Patterson

      no comment. it’s now your turn to go to the corner.

      • http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse

        I’m just saying. Some chics have big ugly boobs LOL.

        • Miss Patterson

          that comment wasn’t directed towards you Muse…I was pointing The Champ to the corner for his earlier wet t-shirt proposition.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            ummm…i make the corner designations, thank you. plus, goodeness made a mess over there during her conjugal visit, and it needs to be wiped down

            • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

              (rolling my eyes) nobody told you to give me chocolate body paint, flip flops and some aluminum foil…to me, that screams MAKE A FUGGIN MESS GIRL!

              (looking for my pen) where do I sign up for the wet t-shirt contest?

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @Muse. I totally agree. some big boobs are a hot mess and look “dirty”

          • http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse

            Perky big boobs are a blessing from the Lord LOL>

  • aja

    “co-signing on the fakeness of people”

    But what about plastic surgery? Breast augumentation for example. Thats fake too in my opinion but do men really care if the chi-chi’s are full of plastic n jelly or the real thing?

    And what about “male enhancement”..like on that commercial…where men can take some pill that will make the wang larger…or a penis pump..does that constitute as “fake” too??

    God dont make no mistakes..you are what you are..and be happy with it!

    My 1/2 a peso…discuss.. :)

    • Fulanigirl

      “God dont make no mistakes..you are what you are..and be happy with it!”

      I agree with you but on the other hand you have those women who get lifts or reductions (maybe for health reasons) which are indeed enhancing the appearance of their breasts. Is that fake too?

      • aja

        To me..yes..i believe thats fake as well. For health reasons is one thing..but just to make yourself fit into a standard of beauty that is created by some man to fulfill his fantasy is another.
        If a man doesnt like the way I look…don’t look..there are many others who do.

        And why would u want to be with someone who only wants you for the way you look anyway?

        Love yourself first..screw everything else..lol

        • Fulanigirl

          well said and I totally agree. One should not choose elective surgery in order to fit a “standard” of beauty.

      • Tallgent

        What condition causes a woman to need a breast lift, bumps and bruises from scraping on the floor.

        Breast are just one area where looks can be deceiving for a woman, you make up, weaves, different color contract and lots of others. It attracts us so I see why woman do it but sometimes woman can overboard with it

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “And what about “male enhancement”..like on that commercial…where men can take some pill that will make the wang larger…or a penis pump..does that constitute as “fake” too??”

      yeah but these dont work…so i’ve heard

      • aja

        so you heard huh? lol

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Aja. Please don’t discourage the lil wang men from improving their size with the pumps. I mean, come one “lil wang” men are the devil for real. They serve NO PURPOSE. Seriously, let the “pump it up, go head, go head.. pump it up!”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “do men really care if the chi-chi’s are full of plastic n jelly or the real thing?”

      i dont know about anybody else, but possession of foobs drops a woman maybe 3 points in my book

    • genius khan

      aja asks:”Breast augumentation for example. Thats fake too in my opinion but do men really care if the chi-chi’s are full of plastic n jelly or the real thing?”

      i care. …much prefer the real things, regardless of size.

      one black mans opinion.

      • aja

        thanks brothas for honestly answering that question. ;)

  • Truck Turner

    …Chris Rock’s “Weaves and color contacts” bit comes to mind.

    • aja

      LOL :))

  • Em

    I wear a push-up bra on the regular. Not for you, and not to lure you. Because it makes me happy. Not in an anticipation-of-male-conquest kind of way (either as the conquistadora or as the conquested). But in an “I ain’t got no pannies on,” makes me feel sexy for ME kinda way. And I find that most men don’t care once it goes “there” ;)

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I won’t comment on size, but shape matters…I prefer a bra that gives me a shape most like my bra-less self…but I also prefer some padding in the front to absorb my “headlights”, all nips aren’t created equal!

      • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

        @ GOOD~preach it, cause I stay in a padded bra because
        a: the areolas are three to four shades darker than my skin
        b: I got those new and improved Halcyon HID (High Intensity Discharge lights) nips and when I’m in front of the class lecturing I don’t need a 20 something male focused on anything other than what I’m saying.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I got those new and improved Halcyon HID (High Intensity Discharge lights) nips”

          hmmm. someone wants to join good in the corner

      • genius khan

        fly free luv, fly free. pinch urself or mabe i will.

    • Nut

      I know I have a couple of wonder bras and when I wear it is for the extra clevage not extra padding. Is that what is fake? I have big tits and sometimes I want them to spill out of my bra, is that wrong? I don’t see what the big deal is. Is that deceptive? I wear lip gloss too, do yall think that we wake up with our lips that shiny? Or do you think that when we see you our lips just get wet? Nonsense. I don’t think it’s that deep. I’m naturally 36dd (double damn) and they are beautiful with or without the bra. I think that it is so unfair how men can pick up us apart with no second thought. We don’t create those standards for yall and when we do you quickly remind us how unrealistic we are. Well here is my reminder. Your being unrealistic. We have the fun bags day in and day out sometimes we want them to look different, like changing shoes it’s just a different look. If your not wearing a bra, the boobies will not look like they did when you were wearing the said bra if it a wonder bra or not. Ya know sort of like when you meet a brotha and he is so interested in all the things that you are interested in and all the things that you have to say. Then he gets the yumm yumm now you talk too much; it changes. If he starts to get the yummies on a reg, oh maybe he’ll listen to how much you liked ‘Sex in the City’ if you were lickin your own nipples at the same time other wise ya talkin to yo self (and yes this is a true account. I’ve been married three years today). So is that fake?
      Not to mention that your guns are not always long and strong. Sometimes they are small and wrinkly when not ready for action should we judge you on that? Just askin’. I have a friend who is not so endowed and breast fed three children. She is so insecure about herself and it is because of these types of standards. I think that she is so beautiful and I knew her before the kids and to me now she looks more womanly, not like a girl more like somebodies momma. I think it’s just mean.

      So exactly what is sexy? What is beautiful? Are you saying to me that a woman who has had a baby that she fed from her body is not beautiful because her breast sag? Well I won’t assume that is what you are saying, but that is the what I got from the post. Damn maybe I just need some coffee, haven’t had any yet. Late night, early celebration.

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @Nut. Okay, yes, you are cranky drink up (I know I am late). But I do agree with all your points. Lip gloss example was just down right genius.

        Men will never be dayum 100% happy with your body no matter what. Hell, we are barely 100% happy with our own bodies. “i love my body, but if I could just…, I would be HOT!” Everybody wants something they don’t have. Weather it is a six pack, bigger breasts, smaller breasts, a bubble butt, etc. It’s just life.

        Oh and Congrats! I ain’t even mad at cha for celebrating :-)

        • Nut

          Yeah a bit hung over and didn’t mean to sound so angry @ Elenda. Thanks. I love being in love girl; it’s good for the soul.

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Em. Love jones snaps! Wonderbras’ rule. I am actually mad, I can’t wear them anymore. Hell they were comfortable and cute :-)

    • genius khan

      when u feel sexy for you, i fell sexy for you too. please kiss urself.

  • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl

    don’t men have their own personal enhancements??? I’ve seen guys stand certain ways to make their “member” look bigger.

    In fact there are some boxers that i swear have frontal enhancements

    • Fulanigirl

      yea, it’s called the wonderjock

      http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15533716/

      • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl

        “It makes the “boys” stand proud, not to be embarassed in that un-forgiving crowd. ”

        Thanks Fulanigirl..i just googled dat. incredible.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          That is incredible. I’m more amazed that there’s actually a market for this. I can’t imagine any industry that actually uses direct deposit where this would be a good thing. I just can’t imagine coming into work with a little extra attention focused on my schlong and it being received in a positive way. Sounds like sexual harassment. Sure, some chick might be excited and want to jump my bones…but chances are she wouldnt come with a 401K and dental, so I’d be at a loss.

          • http://tiffanybbrown.com/ tiffany

            i’m sure it’s for the bois not the ladies.

            • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com TheComebackGirl

              LOL is there an accent over the “i” …

              yes indeed.

            • genius khan

              W.T.F oooohhhhhhhh ok. the fun bois. terd burgulars.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I’ve seen guys stand certain ways to make their “member” look bigger. ”

      lol…expound please, cause right now i’m imagining a cat standing with his crotch sticking out like he’s in front of a strong-ass fan