libidocide: 10 ways to make potential love interests say “umm, nevermind. i’m good”

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as the title of yesterday’s entry proves, life isn’t fair. the universe gives some of us oranges, some of us lemons, and some of us charred charcoal dust. this relentless unfairness is especially evident in dating, where much of your assumed sexual stature is determined by things that have absolutely nothing to do with your actual reproductive value.

you might actually be the absolute best wife candidate or the peerless sultan of deep strokage, but sometimes there are things you can do, things completely unrelated to your looks, personality, or social status that still can have a seriously negative effect on how you’re perceived by the opposite sex.

these aren’t serious deal-breakers, red flags, or even pet peeves, but things you can do that can (and usually will) make people just stop liking you in that special way. libidocide, if you will

here’s ten ways this can happen

1. walk like you have the absolute worst p*ssy on the planet

it doesn’t matter if you actually have liquid rainbows of angel tears dripping down your legs, if you walk like your p*ssy is hiding the smoke monster from “lost“, your stock will drop quicker than dan gilbert’s.

2. laugh ugly

put it this way: if someone tells a funny joke in a room full of people, and your laugh makes everyone else stop laughing, maybe you should just start saying “i’m laughing out loud” for now on instead of actually laughing aloud. if that doesn’t work, carry a small stapler in your pocket so you can prick yourself in the forearm whenever you get the urge to release your monstrosity of a giggle.

3. whip a girly ride

if you’re a grown man, lets just say (from a woman’s perspective) this

this

this

and this

are all better looks than this

4. have a wack-ass ring tone

you could be a pre-med mensa candidate, but if you’re flirting with a (non-hoodrat) chick and she can hear waka flocka flame say “i got a main bitch. i got a mistress” every time you get a text, lets just say that the cavs will retire lebron’s jersey before you see her naked.

admittedly, what makes a ring tone wack is completely arbitrary. so, unless you’re cool enough to pull off a completely ironic “wait, that’s not the theme music from killer klowns from outer space, is it?” type of ring, i advise everyone between 16 and 66 to retire them completely (and by “everyone” i mean “men”)

5. get caught acting like a bitch when you see a bug

the greater pittsburgh area has recently been plagued with an infestation of stink bugs. yes. stink bugs. click here if you don’t believe me.

for the last few months, these things–which kind of favor roaches until you look at them closely–have been everywhere. now, these bugs are harmless. they’re slow as hell, and their only purpose for living seems to be to stand in one place for three days and die. but, the unexpected sight of one of them crawling on your window has surely shook many “manly” men this summer. and, since i’m thisclose to telling on myself right now, i think it’s time to move on

6. have a voice that just doesn’t match

as every guy reading will tell you, there’s nothing that produces instant flaccid like meeting a woman who looks something like this…

…but sounds something like this

7. don’t “do” the internet

i realize this is somewhat classist. i also realize there are perfectly functioning adults who’d be great partners even though they don’t know html from h&m. still, it’s 2010. the jetsons took place in 2005¹. this means we are in the f*cking future. and, since we’re in the f*cking future, not knowing that google isn’t just a common typo for goggle will kill most 21 to 35 year old folk’s libido, especially when you realize that skynet is going to kill us all in 2014 anyway.

8. pull out a flip phone

i realize this is somewhat classist. i also realize there are perfectly functioning adults who’d be great partners even though they don’t know droid from drano. still, it’s 2010. the jetsons took place in 2005. this means we are in the f*cking future. and, since we’re in the f*cking future, seeing that you’re still using the same burners bodie used in season 3 of “the wire” (and the accompanying holster) will kill most 21 to 35 year old folk’s libido, especially when you realize that an iphone application is going to melt the sun and kill us all in 2014 anyway.

9. accidentally drool when talking to someone you’re interested in

look, it happens to everyone. i’m sure everyone reading this can remember a time in their adult life when they were talking one moment, and wondering how you all of a sudden turned into big baby glen davis the next. (btw, when this does happen, should you just let it fall, or just try to slurp it up before anyone notices…although you know they’ve already noticed?)

still, you can be the smoothest operator since the trouble man, but if you’re talking to a person you’re actually interested in and a two inch tail of spit drippage emerges from your mouth, you might as well just turn around and start spitting game to the wall.

10.get your ass kicked

now, i’m not referring to a literal beat down to a bloody pulp (although that would definitely do the trick), but it’s hard to recover once someone you’re interested in sees you take a serious butt-whooping in spades, flag football, a heated debate, or a nightclub heel-toe contest.

sure, maybe you just had a bad day. maybe you got up 15 minutes late that morning, didn’t have time to eat breakfast, and as a result, didn’t have that extra boost of energy that would have prevented you from being the recipient of the worst dunk-on in the history of the connie hawkins summer basketball league. and, maybe you should have thought twice about inviting your new love interest and her homegirls to the game.

but, life isn’t fair. if it was, your new potential boo wouldn’t have just slipped her phone number to one of the referees.

people of vsb.com , did i miss anything? can you think of anything else an otherwise attractive person can do to make you say “ummm, nevermind. i’m good“?

¹i’m totally making this up

—the champ

441 thoughts on “libidocide: 10 ways to make potential love interests say “umm, nevermind. i’m good””

  2. 5. get caught acting like a bitch when you see a bug

    I’m sorry I b*tched up plenty of times when those effin cicadas invading the Maryland/DC area.

    Reply ↓

    • ’m sorry I b*tched up plenty of times when those effin cicadas invading the Maryland/DC area.

      man, i just walked past a cicada tonight, and actually said “excuse me, mr. cicida” aloud like i was a slave talking to massa

      Reply ↓

      • just walked past a cicada tonight, and actually said “excuse me, mr. cicida” aloud like i was a slave talking to massa .

        0_0

        Well did the cicada say anything back? ROTFLMAO

        Reply ↓

          • LMAO (no really, I like spit out my water and nearly choked to death)

            I was actually attacked by a cicada last night while my husband left me behind to run into the house AND close the door behind him….. Not cool -_-

            Reply ↓

            • A few years ago, my now ex-boyfriend was mowing the front lawn. All of a sudden, he let out the loudest/wildest/scariest shriek I have ever heard in my life. I ran out the house thinking that he had cut off a limb. Turns out, a cicada had flown up his shirt! The man was inconsolable for at least twenty minutes!!!!!!

              It was a total bitch moment… I cradled him in my arms like a child!!!! But I gotta say, that moment made me love him even more. That memory still makes me smile… Thanks and sh*t VSB. :-\

              Reply ↓

    • I got got one good time when I was driving my car…and a motherf*cking spider just dropped right in front of my face. I ain’t scared of spiders, but i do not like surprises. This little minion of satan descended up on his web right in front of my eyes. I almost killed 2 people and a bag of potatoes, trying to swerve AWAY from this spider that was in the car with me. *smh*

      F*ck Charlotte’s Web and everything it stands for.

      Reply ↓

      • “I ain’t scared of spiders, BUT I DO NOT LIKE SURPRISES”

        That’s the thing, if you tell me “look theres a spider can you kill it for me?” yeah no problem, but let one kamikaze on my shoulder or something and I’m destroying everything in my immediate vicinity.

        Reply ↓

      • “This little minion of satan descended up on his web right in front of my eyes. I almost killed 2 people and a bag of potatoes, trying to swerve AWAY from this spider that was in the car with me. *smh*”

        *DEAD* LMAO!!!!

        Reply ↓

      • Yea, If you get “attacked” or caught of guard by a bug then of course ur gonna get spooked! lol! But just scared of one on the ground or in a tree… WTF?!

        Reply ↓

    • I’ve even gone so far as to plot on vacationing for the ENTIRE season when its time for the cicadas to come back again. Those things are disgusting

      Reply ↓

      • Big co-sign on the cicadas. I posted as much a li while back on VSB. Plus, clicking on that pic of the cicada made me cringe. I got post-trauma from the DC/MD influx. Yes, @Oftenconfused…I was in the urrrea then.

        Reply ↓

    • “I’m sorry I b*tched up plenty of times when those effin cicadas invading the Maryland/DC area.”

      Yeah, I was DREADING the cicada orgy when they were talmbout it coming to Chicago. I heard ghastly stories about folks not being able to walk without stepping on them…covering the sidewalk. I think I was 5 when they last came so I didn’t give a what.

      But, man I was having cold sweats and ish awaiting the recent one. Turned out, it wasn’t as many, but that couple of weeks was the worst. And I worked by home and walked to work? Thank gawd it was only part time. Them are the DUMBEST flying mofos ever. I mean, I know they don’t have time to learn because they just came here to thronx and die in a short time span, but I couldn’t stand them mofos flying in my face. EW.

      Reply ↓

      • In Texas we get Puss Moth caterpillars also known as Asp not only are they ugly they also sting and if you’re allergic to the venom you’re screwed. The things fall from the trees every spring and you can’t tell the head from the butt. Them and stink bugs are not fun because stink bugs will chase you.

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  5. LMAO @ #2 and #3!!!!! The smoke monster……hahahahahahahaha *wiping tears* that just made my day.

    Reply ↓

  9. My dealbreaker? Men who don’t like to read. How can you not like reading? You don’t like to read ANYTHING? Not the newspaper? Not ESPN.com? Not pamphlets?

    Psh.You can hit the skids.

    Reply ↓

    • Spitting while you’re talking is even worse IMO. It’s not completely impossible to turn flatulence into unintentional humor. No one laughs at getting unwanted verbal showers.

      Reply ↓

      • As the listener, you find yourself constantly ducking spit balls. Not good. Mysteriously the talker doesn’t notice and continues to not only spit but shout now because you have moved away.

        Reply ↓

        • @Ivy St & @ Courtney (VSB)

          unwanted verbal showers.

          is this something that can be fixed though? i mean can a person be told and start swallowing their spit more , or maybe changing how they talk, what?

          Reply ↓

    • flatulence!

      farting in public/in front of alleged interested person! complete turn off!

      this reminds of the time i invited a woman up to my apartment a few years ago for pizza, a movie, and whatever. unfortunately, i was overcome with a bout of extremely explosive (and loud) diarrhea. so the entire night, she was sitting on the couch politely waiting for the movie to end while i was running back and forth to the bathroom and stinking up the place. when the credits rolled, she practically sprinted out the door and down the steps.

      i never saw her again

      Reply ↓

  11. Sidebar: When I reference VSB in a tweet, is it singular or plural? Is it “VSB.com is so smart” or is it “VSB.com are so smart”? Or should I not be calling y’all smart since y’all are too smart for compliments.

    Oh yeah and TCS (Toddler Cock Syndrome) rumors are definitely a deal breaker.

    Reply ↓

  12. i’m not usually good at adding to the vsb lists..but let me take a stab at it. (thats what he said?)

    jacked up teeth (this includes crooked teeth, yellow teeth or bad breath). if i cant envision kissing you.. nothing else will eva happen

    you cant control your inside voice. started talking to a dude who i think was trying to date me. i wasn’t sure with his ugly and stupid statements and generalizations about women. umm..you realize i AM one right???

    this has been touched on before (that’s what he said?) but if you dance like carlton banks..um..thats not chexy

    you say/txt/email/bbm/iphone/skype the following words: why didnt you call meeee? i dont like whiny children. i dont like whiny friends. i will neva eva eva date a whiny dude.

    iF yoU cAnt spEl or TYpe lyk ThIss. i’ll mostly want to kick you in the shins (i leave throat punching to miss t? lol) and throw my phone across the room.

    Dirty or long fingernails. extra demerit points if its the pinky finger

    im sure there is more..but that’s all i got!

    buenos noches senors and senoritas!

    Reply ↓

      • “if i cant envision kissing you.. nothing else will eva happen”

        …and the church said ….AMEN!

        Reply ↓

    • “iF yoU cAnt spEl or TYpe lyk ThIss”

      OMG that makes me want to go on a killing spree, seriously. Its irritating enough when my 15yr old cousin does it on facebook, I’ll be damned if someone with a 401K to does it.

      And who wants to take 10xs longer to type something than need be for that dumb shit? ARGGGGH!

      Reply ↓

    • Yes jacked up teeth…and when the bottom teeth are different sizes or squished together are very distracting. Dudes who talk ish constantly about women remind me of women. Man up.

      Reply ↓

    • Co-sign on the spelling thing! An occasional typo, understandable. But continuously typing dawm (damn), filling (feeling), confort (comfort)…. Unh uh! Negro those aren’t shortcuts! U just don’t know how to spell it! He won some points back when he used ‘too’ correctly tho :)

      Reply ↓

    • Co-sign on the long nails! I either think you are little Richard, a vampire, or a pimp with a coca-ina (cocain) and booga nail. NO.

      Reply ↓

      • chea!!! legit_soul in da house!! (man! who remembers THAT show??).
        *terrorist fist bump.

        QUEENSBRIDGE 4 LYFE!!!! hahahahaha… Oh Ron..

        Ironic part..BK is my fave borough. LOL. (well…and Manhattan of course) ;)

        Happy weekend!!

        Reply ↓

  13. Am I #3??? ;)

    Back to topic:

    1. BAD BREATH.

    side note: Dude on the Dentyne Pure commercial looks like a good kisser. :)

    Reply ↓

      • I was about to say b/c you are SO far from #3 i thought you were referencing #3 from the post. then i went back to check and was like, man this makes no sense. then i started thinking you were trying to jack my 3ness. and homey don’t play that. i ran through myriad permutations of what your 3 could represent in various spheres all to no avail.

        then i realized that you meant like #3 post. then i went to sleep.

        Reply ↓

  14. #6 is the truth. There’s this girl at my job that literally every guy (and girl) will stop what they are doing to check her out. She’s bad. I wonder why she isn’t off modeling somewhere and then she speaks. Then it all makes sense.

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  15. I’d rather ride in that girly car than a camel any day of the week. Once heard a guy laugh so ugly it made my bottom lip quiver in fear. It sounded like a polar bear being slaughtered.

    Wish I could forget. =(

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  16. I’ll admit that the very first thing I did after reading this was look up what time The Jetsons actually did take place because I never knew that sh*t.

    Google tells me 2062, for what it’s worth.

    Reply ↓

  17. You forgot the greatest libidocide of all–KIDS!

    Anyways…

    Try seeing a cutie and when you get closer, her breath smells like she wiped her *ss with the same rag her mechanic brother did a head gasket job with hours earlier, then decided to suck on it to calm herself down. If your breath is that slimy, my face will be aimed 45+ degrees away.

    Eating pig like it’s going out of style kills it too. I ain’t tryna tongue up bacon grease.

    Reply ↓

    • Eating pig like it’s going out of style kills it too. I ain’t tryna tongue up bacon grease.

      that’s a kind of odd way to look at things. i mean, i’m not trying to french kiss a lobster either, but i’ll date someone who eats seafood

      Reply ↓

    • @Man About It
      How could your username be Man About It but you have a problem with women who have kids? Cause most women I know over 30 has kids.

      And yes I cosign the stanky breath is a deal breaker. I just can’t concentrate on what you’re saying when I’m having thoughts of shooting you in the mouth.

      Reply ↓

      • I don’t have kids. NONE of the women or men that I went to college or law school with who are still single have kids. So to me, meeting someone in their 30s with no kids and a certain level of education seems very doable.

        Kids are a deal breaker for me but only because I compromised once. I liked the kids ( more than I liked him and the hardest part of kicking him to the curb was knowing how disappointed they would be. To this day when I see them, its all: we miss you. our daddy is sorry. can we come over.

        I can’t impose that kind of heartbreak on another innocent bystander.

        Reply ↓

        • CORRECTION: I meant, none of the men or women who I was friends with who are still single. I obviously can’t speak for what folks that I don’t even know ended up doing.

          Reply ↓

        • @INFJ
          oh man.. guilt by the kiddies..that’s BRUTAL!!! :|
          with everything else single parents have to deal with in being a parent, i cant imagine how hard it is to date. so hard either way. unless you look like SFG..then im sure you got 99 problems, but getting a dude aint one. ;)

          Reply ↓

        • Thanks KB Muah

          @JNF
          That’s funny. Most all of the single mothers I know have a higher education. Whether they’re divorced or never married. You bringing education into your comment makes me feel like there’s a hint that educated women don’t have children outside of marriage. I could be misinterpreting. I had my daughter at 24, was not married, and I’m a genius. ;)

          Reply ↓

          • SFG:
            People of all sorts and with all kinds of backgrounds procreate for all kinds of reasons. I brought up my college and law school friends because they make up the largest pool of single men and women I know and they do not have kids. Like me, for the majority of them, kids would be a dealbreaker.

            With that said, I’m guessing, without doing any research, that college educated women are far less likely to have (and college educated men are far less likely to father) children out of wedlock than women/men with high school or less education. These numbers might be evolving though as the stigma associated with single parenthood disappears.

            Either way, I wasn’t disparaging anyone, just stating an observation based on my circle of friends.

            Reply ↓

            • I’m not offended. It’s actually related to poverty and location which education level are low. You’re right to think that as it is partially true. With divorce being so high, being a single parent is more and more common. Unfortunately black woman account for most of these single mother numbers. *sigh* I give you dap for using “disparaging” correctly.

              Reply ↓

      • How could your username be Man About It but you have a problem with women who have kids? Cause most women I know over 30 has kids.

        i think people with and without kids travel in different circles. for instance, i can only think of one person in my pittsburgh social circle who has kids

        Reply ↓

        • I felt the urge to comment because of this:

          “You forgot the greatest libidocide of all–KIDS!”

          Which would strike a nerve with any mother but you are allowed to have your preference. I’ve just never had a grown man tell me that before.

          Reply ↓

          • It’s not children per se. I can date single mothers. I love kids, kids are fun. But it’s some of the related stuff that often ensues…especially the kind that tells me the woman has lost all personhood, is not in charge/in control, and/or is incapable of making grown folks time (for herself, let alone me). I don’t blame that on the child, that’s all the parent.

            With that subject, I’m like how ppl are about anyone 25+ still living with their parents. Even then, it’s all case by case with me. If I wasn’t even attracted to the woman enough to investigate, kids are irrelevant. And when talking, something else may kill it, like she’s too much of a Jesus freak for my tastes.

            Reply ↓

            • Having kids makes dating difficult. I’ll be the first to say. I’m lucky enough to have a village of babysitters but many women do not. I like how you said you choose not to because of the women that don’t make time for themselves (many idiot men will say stupid things like “she’s wants me to be the daddy of her kids”). That is true. Most of my childless activities are at night. If my daughter is awake, she’s with me and if you’re not my man you’re not meeting her. So I understand why this would be a deterrent but not a deal breaker if you care about the woman. I sometimes get on the offense because I notice that so many black people talk about children as if they are some type of curse or disease. I have friends of all walks of life and I have never heard a white, hispanic, or asian person talk about children this way.

              Reply ↓

  18. 2. I love to make people laugh, so if you have a terrible laugh or if you stop yourself from releasing your terrible laugh by not laughing, you lose.

    4. I don’t use songs as ringtones anymore. I feel like that’s a teenage thing. Instrumentals only. I got meetings and sh*t to be at and it doesn’t matter if it’s Waka Flocka or The Wallflowers, no dice on lyrics. And guaranteed I will give you the o_O if you have Single Ladies as your ringtone.

    5. I dunno, I feel like if it’s a spider you get a universal pass. Everybody b*tches up when there’s a spider.

    7. I’m a nerd, so that’s an automatic “Weeeell, about time I hit the ol’ dusty trail…”

    8. Finally, a Wire reference that I get! (I’m on the last episode of Season 3)

    I’d add accidental booger/snot falling from your nose while you’re talking to someone.
    I need the females to confirm this one, but I’d think that complete inability to dance would be a way for a guy to commit libidocide. It’s a plus if a female can dance well, but I don’t think any guys would lose sleep if their girl wasn’t a good dancer.

    Reply ↓

    • hmmm… If he’s not a dancer?
      I like to dance sooo its a plus if he can hang w/ me, BUT most guys don’t dance. :-(
      They just stand there… (rolling my eyes) lol

      Reply ↓

      • I didn’t clarify. You’re right, a lot don’t dance and at least some of that is because they can’t dance. But there are also guys who can’t dance who choose to go out and make a valiant effort regardless. Dudes who dance with you and cause you to lose your rhythm because of how they dance. What about those guys?

        Reply ↓

        • I can help any guy find his rhythm! lol!
          I had the one dude that could not dance… so I did a dance style that we both could do! It was cute and we both had fun! :)

          Reply ↓

    • What if the “single Ladies” ringtone is for your single friend that got on stage after a few drinks (and an empty stomach) and sang/danced to the whole song?

      Reply ↓

      • What if the “single Ladies” ringtone is for your single friend that got on stage after a few drinks (and an empty stomach) and sang/danced to the whole song?

        lol, that fits underneath the “ironic/inside joke” umbrella

        Reply ↓

      • I just have an aversion towards anyone who would allow that song to greet them every time a person tried to call.

        I don’t think there are many women on Earth who wouldn’t sing/dance to that song after a few drinks if they heard it in the club. But I’d still look at her like o_O for the duration of the song. After the song is over, I put o_O away.

        Reply ↓

    • I’d think that complete inability to dance would be a way for a guy to commit libidocide.

      To be honest, it does lessen the libido a little bit… but everything else would have to be taken into consideration… However, a great dancer does raise the libidometer for sure.

      Reply ↓

    • So, my Bob Marley “Africa Unite” ringtone is a fail huh? I just like hearing the affirmation of Africa uniting when my phone rings :)

      Reply ↓

  19. For women: if you meet a man who has all of Tyler Perry’s movies/plays/DVDs, yeah you have earned the right to take off like Flo-Jo.

    For men: Hammer time in her feet. Ya’ll saw what Eddie Murphy did when he saw Lela Rochon’s soil gracers in “Boomerang”.

    Reply ↓

  20. you know something, i live in Tx so i see the new article at around 11pm but for some reason today i came on at 10 and i was surprised to not see anything, so i thought Champ was late , so i came back at 10:01/02/05/15…i was about to start tearing my clothes and turning into the Hulk when i finally realized it was still around 10…LOL!

    anyway, my libidocides would be:

    a man who doesn’t read (somebody mentioned this above and i commented). i . cannot. my place looks like that young frenchman’s place in UNFAITHFUL , the dude Diane Lane was having an affair with…so i think ya’ll can understand…

    a man who is blatantly ignorant (or just ignorant). i remember going to a function where they had a buffet of food from different continents, and i was talking to this one dude while the line was moving and as we got to the table with African food he laughed and said “african food, i’ve always thought that was an oxymoron” he couldn’t see why i was offended even though i had just told him i was born and raised in Africa in my African accent…

    a man who boasts about his achievements when you’ve just met (talks about himself and never asks you about you) and is arrogant but thinks he is just being confident. i HATE THOSE NINJAS!!!

    a man who is a chauvinist or worse , misogynist. why are you trying to date me if you don’t even like my gender?

    a man who always complains. these ninjas can’t be satisfied , and can’t/won’t even notice anything good/perfect much less appreciate it, they will look for the smallest thing to biaaatch or moan about . this is not something one will necessarily see when you give the number, but count on it, you will notice it at dinner or soon after the first date…

    a man who won’t ask for my number but will offer me his (and he ain’t selling nothing) and tell me to call him so that we can get to know each other. sorry to anybody who deems this excusable behavior but what kind of b!tchwack*sedness is that? if you like me then YOU chase me ninja!!

    that’s it for now, sorry for the bad grammar and/or spellings , it’s after midnight…

    Reply ↓

    • “a man who boasts about his achievements when you’ve just met (talks about himself and never asks you about you).”

      Yes, I dated an MBA guy like that once. At first I thought he was nervous and didn’t know proper date etiquette. The point of a date is to get to know each other and NOT to just blab about yourself. We dated for a couple of months and I had to bring it to an end. I could not listen to him talk about himself constantly.

      Reply ↓

      • months????

        you must be made of heavenly things because this mere mortal won’t go past 2 dates lest my secret be revealed…(i start turning green and tearing clothes and sheeet when certain emotions are aroused…)

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    • you know something, i live in Tx so i see the new article at around 11pm but for some reason today i came on at 10 and i was surprised to not see anything, so i thought Champ was late , so i came back at 10:01/02/05/15…i was about to start tearing my clothes and turning into the Hulk when i finally realized it was still around 10…LOL!

      #vsbisthenewcrack

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      • i think i’ve fallen in love with vsb because ya’ll stick to a schedule and now i feel i gotta keep up. not to many others i read are this consistent. yes, my name is fixedwater and I am a vsb addict.

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    • @yayer
      i was going to copy and paste my faves..then i realized.. i liked it all!
      i fb thumbs up like this message.

      esp the library. and you for not batchslappin the dude that made fun on an entire continent.

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    • “man who always complains. these ninjas can’t be satisfied , and can’t/won’t even notice anything good/perfect much less appreciate it, they will look for the smallest thing to biaaatch or moan about . this is not something one will necessarily see when you give the number, but count on it, you will notice it at dinner or soon after the first date…”

      This right here is just so… sad. I dated this guy and it was so very unattractive and I began to dread being around him after a couple weeks.

      Reply ↓

  21. Oooh!! This is so good!

    I can definitely “”Nah, I’m Good” to a man:

    1. That can only communicate thru texting. I look around at highschoolers and how they can’t have conversations anymore because all they do is text!! Its so horrible :-/ So if the blackberry chime is going off more than my ringer, “eh, Nah, I’m good.”

    2. Rides around or STOPS in his car with the music alllll the waaay turnt up. Soulja Boy. Like if you are pass 18.5 doing that, something is f*cking wrong with you and your *ss needs to be punched out. Ms t-lee.

    3. Spitting or coughing stuff up onto the sidewalk where people have to walk is an ABSOLUTE “Nah. I’m. Good.” And again deserves the strongest of throat punches from ms t-lee.

    4. Doing it in the butt. Self-explanatory

    4. If you are a man, and you have ever, eva eva eva eva made the choice to have been with another man in your discerning, adult life >>>>Nah.I’m.Good – Do not pass go, my n*gga, just don’t do it.

    #thatisallfornow

    Reply ↓

      • 4. If you are a man, and you have ever, eva eva eva eva made the choice to have been with another man in your discerning, adult life >>>>Nah.I’m.Good – Do not pass go, my n*gga, just don’t do it.

        Once upon a time ago, this 2520 was tryna holla at me, and he casually threw out there that he was “bisexual”. My face screwed up hard as hell and he looked at me like I was the crazy one. To me, there is no being bisexual, either you gay or you not.

        Reply ↓

        • To me, there is no being bisexual, either you gay or you not.

          i can’t be too sure but i think some University actually researched and stuff and found that bisexuality does not exist. you are either hetero or homo. can’t find the link right now.

          @ Anastasia & @ i’ll give it a try . i know this may sound kinda silly/ignorant, but i sometimes get the impression/feeling that bisexual dudes are actually just gay but may feel like it is more acceptable to say they are also attracted to women rather than to say they are just attracted to men…idk

          Reply ↓

    • 2. Rides around or STOPS in his car with the music alllll the waaay turnt up. Soulja Boy. Like if you are pass 18.5 doing that, something is f*cking wrong with you and your *ss needs to be punched out. Ms t-lee.

      you would hate me cuz this is me all day. though if i pull up next to older folks, i turn it down. then turn it BACK up once the fogeys are out of full mHz hearshot. like right now…my system is KILLING that rick ross “BMF” song. you do NOT want to compete.

      Reply ↓

      • Co-sign. I always turn it down at stoplights, but if I’m rollin, music is on blast at all times.

        You can’t feel music unless its being played so loudly that it vibrates through your entire being.

        Reply ↓

      • Yup, I listen to my music REALLY loud as well… My dad wants to die. But when I get into a residential/quiet area, I keep it down…

        But I likes my music loud! :)

        Reply ↓

      • I’m a grown, professional woman and I keep “slap” in my car. I turn it down near residences, hospitals, offices, and at stop-lights. It is cranked up on the highway…Although hip hop is my favorite, it isn’t only hip hop that I crank.

        Reply ↓

    • “Rides around or STOPS in his car with the music alllll the waaay turnt up..”

      I just hate riding with a guy that does this because now everyone is looking at us in the car. Half the time it is a song I don’t like. Too much attention for nothing.

      Reply ↓

    • “2. Rides around or STOPS in his car with the music alllll the waaay turnt up. Soulja Boy. Like if you are pass 18.5 doing that, something is f*cking wrong with you and your *ss needs to be punched out. Ms t-lee.”

      But you gotta admit riding with it alla-way turnt up is like the pep rally to a night o’ clubbin/partying. Something that does NOT stop at 18.5 lol

      Reply ↓

      • Yep! Cause when I get in the car it’s gonna be Dancehall playlist on blast to get me ready for tonight.

        Reply ↓

  23. 1) i have withness many a heel-toe wars in the club and i always wonder why the person that (obviously) lost doesn’t even know how to heel-toe. why brotha, why are you crip walking?

    2) big baby davis scares me

    3) a man that picks up his phone, and goes “hey mommy!” in a baby-like voice. this dude did that yesterday and i was like huh?

    Reply ↓

  24. Oh I definitely hate seeing someone who I’d be interested in eat like they don’t have teeth, fingers, or a sense of pride. It’s disgusting to watch someone submerse themselves in the inner workings of their dinner, food flying from their mouth, jaws dropping in utter repulsed surprise..just NASTY! That’s a definite MINUS.

    Reply ↓

    • Every time someone does this, I just think to myself how upset and disgusted my grandmother would be.

      Reply ↓

    • Yeah, I’m with you on the eating. I also can’t eat with folks who chew like they eating cream corn with no teef. I’mma give you moment to hear this in your mind? Got it? Good. You know what I’m talmbout.

      Disgusting, right?

      Reply ↓

    • YES!!!! and please for heaven’s sake and mine, if i can hear you smacking and not in the flattering baby-you-put-your-foot-in-this kinda way I might have to smack you for good measure. didn’t anyone teach you how to chew with your mouth closed! and this includes simple gum chewing (usually my own gender is guilty of the gum issue – i mean i have a co-worker i refuse to eat lunch with because of this)

      Reply ↓

      • CO-SIGN!! I dated this fine pre-med student in college. Had it together and everything. I had to break it off with him because he couldn’t eat chicken to save his life. I mean every time he ate it, which was all the time, I would stop eating just so i could watch him. How the hell do you slurp baked chicken? Not to mention he would bend over until he was all of an inch or 2 above his plate AND he would eat it with both hands. Greasy chicken hands, ugh.

        Then after I broke it off he got all salty and decided to yell at me when I was going to class. Called me stuck-up and said that I was just like the other “girls” around here and I wanted him to chase me. I ended up cursing him out in front of some parents touring the university with their kids. I’m sure none of them decided to enroll that day. Talk about Diva Dude, ended up crossing Kappa, figures.

        Reply ↓

  25. THIS SITE IS THE ONLY BLOG THAT I HAVE READ THAT MAKES ME LAUGH OUR LOUD AT MYSELF.

    You guys are great.

    Reply ↓

  26. #4 – Once I was at church and one dude’s ringtone was “Blowjob Betty.” Not only is this a terrible ringtone for church, but under what circumstances is this appropriate? Not the bank, grocery store, post office…

    Reply ↓

  27. 5. get caught acting like a bitch when you see a bug

    — Sooo true!
    If any guy freaks out becuz a spider is on the ground then I tend to lose his number! lmao! =P

    Also may I add… Bad teeth can be a deal breaker!
    Although I do give some guys passes cuz their cute… :-/

    Reply ↓

  28. Great list Champ. Its been a great week of reading, I must say I have thoroughly enjoyed laughing like crazy all week. You are hilarious and you speak the truth. Can’t ask for much more from a good blog read…

    …anywho… I would like to add that I really have to rethink a dudes place in my life if you don’t like basketball. Now I know not every dude is an athlete or watches sports, this I can process and maybe consider. But to not like the sport that I grew up playing and LOVE…smh…I literally had to pump the breaks when a guy I was dating said his favorite sports were football, boxing and golf (all cool sports don’t get me wrong), and when I asked him about bball he was like nah I don’t really like it that much. Wait really!??!?!
    O_o you mean you don’t like basketball at all!? #wheretheydothatat

    no me gusta

    Reply ↓

    • “I would like to add that I really have to rethink a dudes place in my life if you don’t like basketball”

      ***reserving vsb bbq vip table for beremore***

      Reply ↓

    • “and when I asked him about bball he was like nah I don’t really like it that much. Wait really!??!?!
      O_o you mean you don’t like basketball at all!? #wheretheydothatat ”

      Yeah…you know how patriotic folks feel about baseball? And how you ain’t American if you don’t like it? Well, in my world, you ain’t an earthling if you ‘ont fux with hoopin.

      Reply ↓

      • @Cheekie + Beremore:
        does during the playoffs only count?
        im an nfl chick 1,642,875, 999%
        i’m pretty much in a monogamous relationship with it. i flirt with the nba from time to time, nfl breaks my heart when he leaves, but i welcome him back with open..um..arms every september.
        with that said… #bringonthenfl!!

        Reply ↓

        • “does during the playoffs only count?”

          lol sure since a good handful of hoopin-lovin ninjas mostly watch during this time.

          I’m talmbout not effing with it at ALL. Like…huh?

          Reply ↓

        • @KB

          I’m an nfl playoffs chick myself so I definitely feel you on having your love for a sport and enjoying the other sport from time to time. But we’re girls, its different. Most men are just happy we enjoy sports. But for guys I think its the man handbook to enjoy some kind of sport to some degree. And again I’m cool if you like other sports but how you NOT gonna understand the dopeness that is ballin’.

          So as you’re welcoming your nfl with open arms, I’m bidding adieu to my bf basketball until winter. *sniffles*

          Reply ↓

          • @beremore..
            true.
            hugs, he’ll be gone til november. wyclef.

            takes tangent:
            thoughts on wyclef running for prez of haiti?
            anyone?
            *looks at watch
            *remembers that most vsb threads are over by this time
            *listens for crickets
            *kanyeshrugs.

            Reply ↓

      • “Well, in my world, you ain’t an earthling if you ‘ont fux with hoopin.”:

        That sums it all up right there! Clearly you’re some Marvin the martian character walking around and we ain’t on that

        Reply ↓

    • You know Beremore, I always thought your Lola Bunny avatar was cool, but now knowing it’s a reflection of you personally? You’re a cool chick! I always loved Lola Bunny…hell, I thought I was her as a shawty. lol

      Reply ↓

      • @Cheekie

        Why thank ya miss. I usually lurk around these parts daily and you and your hall of fame firsts and chit chat thru the thread are truly enjoyable. I’ve always thought you are one cool VSS yourself!

        I too fancied myself lola bunny as a youngin. Space jam was my joint! My brother and his friends of course always played ball and I was the lone girlie runnin the boards, so when I saw her in the movie I thought FINALLY am represented :) ….even named my car Lola, hehe

        Reply ↓

  29. Little things bug me that might not throw anybody else off. A dude CANNOT have a cat (!!!) or even like them for that matter…

    he can’t drive a car that’s too tiny, like a Miata – that’s some girly ish…

    he can’t be TOO corny – holding out your arms & saying “hugs!” in a high voice makes me wanna punch you in the throat.

    he can’t have a pencil mustache – they irk me…

    & forget a flip phone, I know a dude who doesn’t even HAVE a cell phone at all!! He just didn’t get how irritating it was trying to get a hold of him if plans changed or whatever – frankly I think he just didn’t want to carry around evidence of all the women he was sleeping with. You gotta be up on technology, even if it means risking being busted FOOL…

    & he absolutely cannot wear shades at night. I don’t care if the lenses are really light & he’s just trying to hide his eyes b/c he smoked all that ish – it looks too stupid & the panties will nevah drop for that.

    Interesting post – me likey…

    Reply ↓

    • Little things bug me that might not throw anybody else off. A dude CANNOT have a cat (!!!) or even like them for that matter…

      watch your mouth.

      Reply ↓

            • I told Panama I was just gonna leave this comment up and forget about it, but I gotta give rightful credit. My conscience is eating at me. Panama actually came up with the name for a cat he had.

              For the longest I though Champ said it, but I was wrong. Funny how that happens.

              Reply ↓

        • you didn’t strike me as a cat-man…

          lol, i’m not. but panama is, and my girlfriend has cats that have slowly grown on me. i appreciate their personalities.

          Reply ↓

          • lol, i’m not. but panama is, and my girlfriend has cats that have slowly grown on me. i appreciate their personalities.

            hmmmm, i had to LOOOOOOOOL at ‘i appreciate their personalities’ .

            Reply ↓

          • Awww thats sweet. I have a cat and my SO be frontin like he isn’t totally smitten by her… Like ‘she aight. men that like cats are gay’ He wouldn’t even let me take a picture one day when she fell asleep on him.

            I’m like whatever n*gga, u love her… And how could you not. She’s the sweetest ever, like that picture of Puss N Boots you had up from Shrek lol.

            Reply ↓

    • “A dude CANNOT have a cat (!!!) or even like them for that matter.:

      I actually use my cats (2) as filters. If the cats like the dude and he likes (more like tolerates) them, he might be relationship worthy.

      Reply ↓

      • that’s interesting. i really don’t mind cats or puppies,just can’t really deal with dogs. i think because i’ve noticed they tend to get jealous (not all of them but some), say if it’s a female dog owned by a man, she tends to hog him and stuff when you the girlfriend are around but a male dog owned by a man won’t do so.

        Reply ↓

        • A dude can have a dog. Hell, he can have 2. I lub de doggies! But cats just suck, they’re so boring & they crawl on everything in the house (kitchen counter??? PLEASE) Me no likey…

          Reply ↓

  30. Y’all hatin on my phone that’s just a phone. Whatever. I like my flip phone, and I like not having my emails come to my phone…though, I might be forced to get a smart phone this year. I’m going to be teaching undergrads (lawd jesus help them) so I’m going to need to make myself more accessible to the students and the people who write my checks. Then again, I’m not one for phone calls or texting. If I actually carry a conversation on with you via text, you are special. I don’t have unlimited texting prefer to have my convo’s tête-à-tête over drinks.

    Extreme stupidity kills me. I have to use various filters throughout the day, and sometimes (especially now that I’m back working in a call center) I have to dumb myself down. If I have to exercise restraint with my vocabulary, references, or foresight in order to have a conversation with you, I’ll probably just stop engaging you. We all have our moments, but, like last night (“You’re so deep, you should be a philanthropist!”) it’s hard for me to just not walk away.

    Reply ↓

    • “sometimes (especially now that I’m back working in a call center) I have to dumb myself down.”- Been there , done that, May the FORCE be with you…seriously* a philanthropist…just ri-dam-diculous I tell ya

      Reply ↓

      • Seriously…and it makes me feel kinda bad. I’m wondering if I’m becoming a little uppity/arrogant the deeper I go into my PhD program…I used to be able to put on my mask for work and I didn’t have as much trouble dealing with folks as I do now.

        *kanyeshrug*

        Reply ↓

    • I have a flip phone too.. I’m lusting after the Blackberry but I’m not working.. I read that one and was like, “so THAT’S it!!” LMAO!
      I’ll pray for your students.. but Congrats on the job!

      Reply ↓

      • I can’t lie – I’ve only had my BB since Jan or Feb, still had a Nokia flip before (& the same one for like 5 years!), LOL

        Reply ↓

    • *comes out of lurking*

      shay, having taught undergrads for six years…YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. Unless you’re running a study abroad, or something else where their lives might be in danger, they should not be able to text you–if they can, that’s all they will ever do, and you will soon HATE them, especially the night before something is due.

      Let them email you (and give them a cut off time!) if they need something. Encourage them to use your office hours. It will save your sanity.

      signed, been there, done something like that

      *back to lurking*

      Reply ↓

      • Tuition remission and a monthly stipend are too good to turn down after having split my time working my corner on Georgia Avenue and getting my bootleg hustle on last year (You want it, I got it.)

        At one point I was scouring the free section on craigslist for useful stuff, picking it up, cleaning it up, and reselling it in my building to pay for my groceries last year.

        Reply ↓

    • (“You’re so deep, you should be a philanthropist!”

      I swear, Shay, I need proof that this really happened. No seriously… Lol! Recorded convo, something, anything! Because it kills me laughing everytime I think about the scenario and how your o_O face must have been.

      Lord, help us all. :)

      Reply ↓

      • Trust, my best friend isn’t going to live this down for a long time. Have me out at all hours of the night effin with chicks he met off of Tagged! and they’re not even that cute.

        The worst part was that she (well both of them, really) didn’t engage in conversation. They didn’t have anything to contribute, granted, me and my best friend have known each other for 10+ years, and we just know each other.., we tried to get them to participate in the convo, but they honestly didn’t have anything or know what to say.

        Young chicks, SMH. Seriously. The other chick texted my friend all day yesterday. He told me she said that she ‘thought we were talking in code about her and her friend in front of them’

        Apparently I was using too many syllables.

        Reply ↓

  31. Great Post Champie….to add to your list, and to agree with the above comments about ninjas who do NOT read, I add ninjas who are not aware of the correct pronunciation of words…if you use “skraik”, “skreek”, or “skrimp”, and use “take heave” instead of “take heed” and don’t understand why you are getting the look of amazement, and or side-eye…”Just Go”…before I call you a dumba$$ em effer to your sad a$$ face..or call miss t-lee to give you the “official throat chop”

    Reply ↓

    • “if you use “skraik”, “skreek”, or “skrimp”, and use “take heave” instead of “take heed” and don’t understand why you are getting the look of amazement, and or side-eye…”

      LOL!

      Reply ↓

    • I hate “conversate”…I think the whole nation knows now that this is not a word. Guys who use big words and don’t use them correctly because they don’t know the meaning get a chun li kick from me.

      Reply ↓

    • May I also submit, “All intensive purposes”, “Simular”, “Worse” (as in, “That was the worse!”), “Its” (as in, “Its a lotta people here tonight”), etc.

      ALL wrong, college grads on facebook. WRONG!

      Reply ↓

      • “Its” (as in, “Its a lotta people here tonight”)

        Oh my god this is such a pet peeve of mine. Ugh! I know I’m a bit OCD when it comes to grammatical errors and what not… But its for it’s or vice versa just sends me straight bonkers. Ugh.

        But to be fair, there was a version of Microsoft Word that underlined it’s as an error… So a lot of folks might have assumed, it was the correct way to spell.

        Reply ↓

    • my exboyfriend used to say “copin steady” instead of “copasetic.” we first met when i was 18, so then i would just look at him strange and try to convince myself that he was really meaning to say “copin steady” because that was just his slang. ummmm…..around 22, i started becoming one of those people that interrupts their SO in public so they don’t both look stupid.

      *reminiscent sideeye*

      Reply ↓

      • Ha! This reminds me of my exboyfriend.

        He uses the word “brung” in place of “brought”. At first I let it go, but eventually I started to correct him. I believe he actually thought brung was a word, but he tried to play it off by saying he knew the word was brought, but he just uses brung. And he uses it in front of EVERYBODY.

        Reply ↓

    • Yeah, I only like when ninjas mis-pronounce words ironically. Like for some reason doing that really turns me on. But only when I know they know how to correctly speak. lol

      Reply ↓

  32. Big baby davis’ nervous mouth situation can be irritating or erotic…depending on how you think about it #thepowerofpositivethinking

    Reply ↓

  33. Dropping a deuce in my bathroom and the joint smells like there’s still sh*t on the floor! That’s a wrap, we done, I can’t look at you the same.

    Reply ↓

    • @Da Iceman

      Dropping a deuce in my bathroom and the joint smells like there’s still sh*t on the floor! That’s a wrap, we done, I can’t look at you the same.

      CO-SIGN!

      I was “dating” this guy that I wasn’t really feeling, but I made the unfortunate mistake of letting him sleep over one night. A few minutes after he left, I started to perceive an odor coming from my upstairs bathroom that could only be described as a mixture of rotten eggs, 3-day old vomit, and death. Upon further investigation, I discovered that homeboy had the AUDIACITY to drop the most MASSIVE turd ever witnessed on Planet Earth in my toilet and didn’t even flush! Moreover, there was not a SINGLE trace of toilet paper to be seen, clearly indicating that this ninja (or should I say “amigo” since he was mexican) didn’t even wipe his stank-nasty a*s!

      Needless to say, that was the last day I ever spoke to him.

      btw, I just discovered this blog about 2 hours ago and I’m already hooked!

      Reply ↓

  34. -Being a dummy. I’m not saying you have to have done a dual degree program @ GeorgiaTech and be a Rhodes Scholar, but you should know something about something. I can’t stand talking to someone who is on some Simple Jack type ish.

    -Being stingy & rude to people in the service industry. When I was in school me and my friends worked at multiple restaurants/bars/retail stores, so to see someone be rude to salespeople or stiff what could be a working student on a tip just rubs me the wrong way.

    -Negroes who still pop their collar.

    -Dudes who wear shades @ night and inside buildings. It just screams insecure jackass to me.

    -People who wear enough cologne (and perfume) to choke a horse. I love a good smelling man as much as the next woman, but don’t drown yourself in it.

    Reply ↓

    • -Dudes who wear shades @ night and inside buildings. It just screams insecure jackass to me.

      I AM NOT an insecure jackass. i’ve been trying to understand how and why celebs do this. like its SO damn dark how does this make any sense. no bullshit, ive been actually doing my own research on this.

      Reply ↓

    • Dudes who wear shades @ night and inside buildings. It just screams insecure jackass to me

      THAT ISH RIGHT THE IRKS ME SOOOO BAD!!! I be thinking they need to get over themselves.

      Reply ↓

    • “Dudes who wear shades @ night and inside buildings. It just screams insecure jackass to me.”

      There is a guy that always comes to the club with dark shades and a leather outfit. HE thinks he is the business. It might be because EVERYONE is looking at him, but for the wrong reasons.

      Reply ↓

      • IJS, any interactions I’ve had w/ ninja’s wearing shades @ night/inside has not been a good experience. I went to a friends bday dinner last week, and her boo’s brother wore his shades all night long, at dinner, inside a darkened restaurant. He was trying to have a conversation with me and I was just like o_0

        There has only been two occasions when I’ve ever worn shades @night or inside…
        once to class when I had a black eye
        and
        when I missed curfew & didn’t want my dorm director to notice how high I was *dontjudgeme*

        Reply ↓

      • There is a guy that always comes to the club with dark shades and a leather outfit. HE thinks he is the business. It might be because EVERYONE is looking at him, but for the wrong reasons.

        lol, i know who you’re talking about. he’s either the coolest or the wackest man on the planet. i havent been able to figure it out yet

        Reply ↓

      • Hell to the nah on the sunglasses in the club.. that’s the whackest sh*t ever.. I wish a ninja would come up to me tryin to holla w some sunglasses on… Before he coud even get three words out, I’d be like “if u dont take them damn glasses off…”

        Maybe this is just me, but that also strikes me as kind of rude.. Like I want to be able to see your eyes when ur talking to me. You could be lookin all kinda shifty eyed and suspect under those shades..

        Reply ↓

    • I learned yesterday that men with pretty (read-lighter than typical negro brown) eyes wear shades to stop females (emphasis on fe) from staring at them.<<i died twice.

      Reply ↓

    • “-Negroes who still pop their collar.”

      ^Do you mean people dead serious doing this? Some people would be mad and get to poppin’ their collar back in the day when they were gonna’ knuckle up. However, to jokingly do it in the Bay (California) is a freakin’ institution! LOL

      Reply ↓

  35. You had me until you said walking and riding camels and sh*t were better looks than a car of any kind…does it get from point A to B…awesome…then I don’t care what color it is..in fact, the color can be changed if its that big a deal.

    Yeah, but I’m feeling the rest of the points….especially, if you sound like Mike Tyson when you speak or Tiny Tim or Fred Flintstone or Barney Rubble or Shaggy or Stewie..its going to be rather difficult for me to take you seriously because I will be constantly laughing at you..because last time I checked you can’t really get your vocal cords changed…unless you get one of those boxes like TPain…then maybe? LOL. j/k

    Reply ↓

    • You had me until you said walking and riding camels and sh*t were better looks than a car of any kind…does it get from point A to B…awesome…then I don’t care what color it is..in fact, the color can be changed if its that big a deal.

      a camel can get you from a to b too. and you’ll be riding on like 56′s.

      Reply ↓

  36. As a VSS I approve this list, except 1 bc I have no idea what this walk looks like and I don’t wanna know. I’d like to give a special DITTO to 3, 4&8.

    3. If you’re confused about what is considered a girlie whip think: VW bug or EOS (all VWs according to one of my girlfriends), any car I literally have to wonder how you got in (ie miata),  most hatchbacks, a sunfire, eclipse, civic coupe, mini, smartcar, pt cruiser, etc

    4&8 combined is the worst!! I mean imagine talking to guy when you hear “i better find your love, i beyter find your heart” coming from his pocket and then he pulls out a RZR —–dead—–

    I’d like to add
    11. Men with no sense of direction (maybe that’s a pet peeve)
    12. Men that carry change

    I’ll think of more

    Reply ↓

    • As a VSS I approve this list, except 1 bc I have no idea what this walk looks like and I don’t wanna know. I’d like to give a special DITTO to 3, 4&8.

      it’s hard to explain it. it’s just a walk that tells people that their vagina is going through some things.

      Reply ↓

    • “4&8 combined is the worst!! I mean imagine talking to guy when you hear “i better find your love, i beyter find your heart” coming from his pocket and then he pulls out a RZR —–dead—–”

      this just killed me. lmbo. i’m not one of those ‘hold it in and not embarrass him’ people either. i’d crack up right then and there.

      Reply ↓

  37. - If your voicemail has ANY type of music on it. It takes me back to the days when we used to hold the phones to the radio to tape “I Will Always Be There For You” for the outgoing message. I’m 32, that DOESN’T work!!
    – If you try too hard.. I know someone that doesn’t realize that he just needs to learn to be muthaf*ckin cool! He’s the type that will say “well actually, the sky is blue because the phosphorous and sulfur…..” when all you said was “it’s pretty outside.” GTFOH! I ESPECIALLY love telling him that he’s wrong.

    Reply ↓

  39. Ignorance. Being loud and ignorant in a super classy place makes me wish I could walk home from wherever we are.

    (I tried not to comment… I so did… VSB has sucked me right back in!)

    Oh and yes… please never let me see a man in a pink car or even a purple candy coat… YOU are not a little girl sitting around playing with my little freaking pony.

    Reply ↓

    • On a similar note, being loud and ignorant in crowded places, like on the DC Metro during rush hour.

      Example: Ninjas that play music on their phones and walk around with it by their ear like its a damn boombox! When I’m on the metro, my ears DO NOT wanna be assaulted by the various go-go and gansta rap tunes blaring from DaQuan’s busted a*s Boost Mobile phone at 8am! STOP.

      Reply ↓

  40. I’ll get to the actual post and comment, but I figured I’d share a little DC Weekend Activity note for the DC area (I HATE the term DMV) residents…not even sure everybody is aware that currently going on is the inaugural DC Black Theatre Festival…one of my homeboy’s is closing out the week and festival with his play called “God Is On The Devil’s Payroll” a play about the misrepresentation of the Haitian Crisis.

    “God’s on the Devil’$ Payroll” – is a new play from the award winning playwright papi kymone freeman and directed by Bashi Rose. The inaugural DC Black Theatre Festival is where the play and song “What God Said” written by Anthony David shall premiere to hundreds of urban professionals from around the world. On August 8, the play debuts at the Atlas Theatre on Lloyd Richards Stage. Anthony David will be acknowledged by the playwright and credits. Fortunately, the song and play reference Haiti, religion and are being independently released this fall.

    First production to address the misrepresentation of the Haitian Crisis with original music by Anthony David.

    Watch Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3EoCbYyPOM

    For Tix: https://www.vendini.com/ticket-software.html?e=9aebb24dfa37b28c89142b516f8ec763&t=tix

    Free H St. Shuttle Buses from Gallery Place Metro / Minnesota Ave Metro to theatre 2x an hour starting @ 5:30

    http://www.dcblacktheatefestival.com/

    There is a 2pm and an 8pm show. Anyway, for those looking for something to do on Sunday…booyaka.

    Reply ↓

  41. LOL @ this post.

    There are a couple that you missed.

    1) Don’t make any statements about your lack of desire to participate in oral sex. I have literally seen a woman completely check out of the conversation after the guy she was talking to said something absurd like, “…I mean, I ain’t really about eating a chick out until we’ve been together for a while…” She was gone, cuz…I don’t even thing she heard a word after “out”.

    2) Ignorance is a turnoff. There’s nothing worse than talking to a woman and finding out that she doesn’t know sh!t about sh!t…ever.

    Reply ↓

    • #1 is absolutely correct. One of my close friends is messing with a man that in no way deserves her or her goody jar, but I wasn’t judging her. Then I overheard him saying how he absolutely refuses to go down..EVER.

      I been mad at her ever since, lol!

      Reply ↓

  42. If a ninja has the foamy spit buildup in the corners of his mouth…..No

    If you eat like you have NEVER had a meal in your natural born life; where food/sauce has managed to make its way to the side of your face; and you’re not using the napkin right in front of you to wipe it…..No

    If we’re in a club/lounge/bar and your Hennessy breath along with spit pellets is causing me to close my eyes and hold my breath…No

    If you post on Facebook every single day / Make posts about seeing a fat arse while on your way to work / Make posts airing your private business, cursing people out or using blatent sexual terms….No

    If you are a little TOO eager to get with me (calling me nonstop or following me)…No

    Reply ↓

    • @CNotes – “If a ninja has the foamy spit buildup in the corners of his mouth…..No “
      Wow. lol. I know exactly what you speak of.
      Surprisingly, I have never seen this occur on any woman’s mouth. Is this only a guy thing? It always boggles my mind when conversing with certain cats, to see the soap bubbles forming at both mouth corners.
      Is this a condition though?

      Reply ↓

      • @Mr SoBo

        Hmmm…interesting…..now that you’ve mentioned it, I have never noticed any females with this either. *Taps Fingers On Desk*

        I did a quick Google search to see if it is a condition…but no luck. If so, I will feel a little guilty for being grossed out by it (I try not to hold things against people that they can’t control). But, I don’t think I could kiss someone with “spitty corners”. lol.

        Reply ↓

        • @ Cnotes & @ Mr SoBo

          i have seen a woman like this, well just one. i don’t know about the ones you have seen but the people that i’ve noticed who have this problem tend to not swallow spit as much as other people, or maybe they produce more saliva and therefore need to swallow more but haven’t realized that yet. and they would verbally shower as well (a symptom of the same problem). so when they talk that extra spit accumulates at the corners of their mouths?? i think, idk. that’s my analogy.

          Reply ↓

        • It’s a medical condition called “Juicymouthitis”. Be warned against ninjas with Juicymouthitis. They have been known to give women yeast infections after heading downtown.

          Reply ↓

          • @The Frog Princess

            “They have been known to give women yeast infections after heading downtown”

            I’m 2.5 seconds away from celibacy after this statement. lol

            Reply ↓

      • Yes, SOBO, it is called paulpiercearrhea, and it can lead to severe cases of b*tch*ssedness.

        *I’m not a doctor, but I play one on T.V.

        Reply ↓

    • “…and your Hennessy breath along with spit pellets is causing me to close my eyes and hold my breath…No”

      LOLOL, I just got an ab workout laughing @ this!

      Reply ↓

  43. What about the man who has a voice lighter than most women? Like Sex in the City’s Jason Lewis. Yeah, I need him to drink whiskey and smoke cigars for a year or something.

    The woman who walks like her poon hurts is just terrible. We have a name for that out here…hood rat. The hood rat walk is like they have a flamin STD and brick boobs. I can’t even describe it but it hurts my soul.

    Drool is going to get me to laugh so hard on the inside that a tear may roll down my cheek. Quick story: I attended a marketing conference and the speaker (who is a somebody in the SEO world) drooled. When I tell you this guy went from marketing mastermind to mentally challeged in 30 secs. The drool made him seem slow…and re re.

    And lastly b*tch@ssnes. One night I had my windows open during a cold front and I could hear my sexy manly neighbor (who looks like superman literally) arguing with his wife and he started to cry. Now a man showing emotion like that would normally melt my heart…but this cry…um…I can’t even describe it. It sounded like a 4 year old girl hyper ventilating. His voice got so high pitch as he was yellcrying at her. I couldn’t look him in the face for a month.

    Reply ↓

    • “What about the man who has a voice lighter than most women? Like Sex in the City’s Jason Lewis. Yeah, I need him to drink whiskey and smoke cigars for a year or something. ”

      *cackles*

      I just saw this buff, foine ninja in Target when I was with the moms (she was returning an AC…ain’t it something how they don’t even check the box when you returning something. Like it was obviously opened and used …it just didn’t fit in her window properly…but he just scanned it and was like here yo money…like we coulda put two old fans in that damn box and he wouldn’t know. but we honest…anyway) and I was eye-effing him. I asked him a question whether they sell other merchants gift cards and this mofo NECK ROLLS, smacks his lips and says, “No”. That mug sounded like Bambi.

      Reply ↓

      • Dear Cheekie,
        I haven’t laughed this hard in about 2 weeks.
        Sincerely,
        SmartFox

        and This:
        “That mug sounded like Bambi.”
        I will be adding this to my weekly one liners.
        Thank you for being you.

        Reply ↓

      • “mofo NECK ROLLS, smacks his lips “

        I hear too many stories like this from women.

        What is wrong with women’s g@ydar? It’s as if ya’ll don’t know a straight man when you see one.
        Did he really have to speak for you to finally realize his ‘moistness’?

        Reply ↓

        • Well yeah…he was just standing behind a desk and I was waiting in line. I wasn’t really checking his mannerisms because I was staring at his chest. lol I usually have great gaydar but um…

          “It’s as if ya’ll don’t know a straight man when you see one.”

          You don’t either. You think you do. But you have on idea. MTV’s Diary.

          Reply ↓

          • My g@ydar is on point. I have a well trained eye and ear for that sort of thing. I can spot a battyman from 300 yards away.
            There is just always something peculiar or slightly off.
            I find it odd that women will go as far as to be involved with someone and not know….until its too late.
            Observable moistness varies, but the battyness remains the same.

            Reply ↓

  44. 3. whip a girly ride

    LOL Is it REALLY better to be rolling on a camel, on foot, or in a street bus? I don’t think so. I’d suggest that he get that pink car painted ASAP!

    8. pull out a flip phone

    LMAO!!! That is too funny…you know, there are some decent flip/slider phones still out there. Luckily I don’t have one. :D

    Reply ↓

  45. Confused face. What’s with the drooling thing? I’ve never seen this and that’s probably for the best since there are really only two categories of people for which this is accepted.

    I will say that having a voice that doesn’t match is quick to throw me off with a guy. Can you put some bass in your voice…and your wrist? Thanks.

    One to add:

    If you chronically misuse/misspell words that is a problem for me. Sure, I text and drive (I’m anti “the oprah pact”) so I have a few typos here and there, but you sir…using their in place of there or “rain” instead of “reign”…are dismissed. iCan’t.

    Reply ↓

  46. Ohh yea, I hate when people add an ‘S’ at the end of store names knowing good & well it doesn’t belong i.e. KROGERS, WALMARTS, TACO BELLS….must I go on…

    My cuzzin does this & I be looking (yes I said, ‘be looking’) at her like…come on son!

    Reply ↓

  48. Man, this post murdered me, Champie. Cheekiecide.

    “1. walk like you have the absolute worst p*ssy on the planet”

    I was gonna ask what this looks like but this chick I see on the train commute every morning popped in my head. She walk someone’s uncle cousin Bruno. Now, I’m not sure if this is indeed the walk, but there’s something that don’t curl all the over ’bout her. She seems like nice people’s though.

    “2. laugh ugly”

    I LOVE to laugh so hopefully I have a cute one. I think I do. I know I do. Because it ain’t soft…it’s pretty loud. In fact, folks done complained about it work on the sly. Eff ‘em…I’m Rick James. AND Malcolm X.

    “3. whip a girly ride”

    You know what’s even worse than the pink beetle? Segways. I know they’re not automobiles, but I see them too much to not add them. Douche arse douches.

    “they’re slow as hell, and their only purpose for living seems to be to stand in one place for three days and die.”

    This is NOT funny. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    “6. have a voice that just doesn’t match”

    It’s not as extreme as having a Scooby Doo voice, but I’ve always been told my voice doesn’t match my face. I have a babyface (take THAT Kenneth Edmonds) so people expect my voice to be…higher than it is. My voice is actually pretty husky. The ladies here at work always tease me and say I have an adult voice but a kid face and it’s terribly confusing for them. lmao

    “8. pull out a flip phone”

    This time last year…or maybe a bit before that…I was still rockin’ the Razor. Um…had to ugrade from that QUICK. I wasn’t texting as much as I do now, but I decided to switch to a Samsung joint. But, um..when that iPhone 3Gs came out? I pounced on that like Tigger.

    “or a nightclub heel-toe contest.”

    *DEAD* Does anyone else hate Champ as much as I do right nah? OMG…LOL And those EFFING tags…Orville redenflocka? I’m done with everything. Everything.

    Reply ↓

    • I was gonna ask what this looks like but this chick I see on the train commute every morning popped in my head. She walk someone’s uncle cousin Bruno. Now, I’m not sure if this is indeed the walk, but there’s something that don’t curl all the over ’bout her. She seems like nice people’s though.

      it sounds like it. you should record her on your phone the next time you see her. then, buy her some douche

      Reply ↓

  49. Things an otherwise attractive person can do to make me straight on dealing with them

    1) Telling the current man you are talking to what the last few guys you dated did for you. If they did all of that for you then go and eff with them and leave me alone.
    2) Saying things like “I would give you some if you _____” or “I gave you some why can’t you do this for me?”.
    3) Telling me “I’m use to being treated a certain way”
    4) Wearing a ponytail weave.
    5) Being totally aloof about social issues and politics
    6) Wearing designer clothes with loud labels.
    7) A consistently dirty kitchen or bathroom
    8) Have a long line of herbs, losers, and bums on your resume or carfax report. If you dated Gutta Black who stole your purse and maxed out your credit cards, Limp Wrist Antoine, and Super Ike Turner I’m not dealing with you. (Actually I think this may be a topic. I don’t know if women are aware of how the last dudes affect the how the new dude looks at her?)

    Reply ↓

    • @humble one
      i approve many things on this list esp the purposely being aloof on social issues, and loud labels. who you tryin to impress?
      i also love how the blog turned your #8 into shady-face. lol.

      Reply ↓

    • Cosignage. Monumental turn offs.
      However, depending on the donk, I may or may not stunt a bird like this. You know,….just for GP.
      Mash it and dash it.

      Reply ↓

      • @Mr. SoBo

        You know I was going to put that as a disclaimer originally but I changed my mind. If she has a donk then she can get it regardless of what I listed except for maybe #7.

        Reply ↓

    • I started to type out my list but this pretty much sums it up.

      Few more I would add:

      -Thirsty chicks. You shouldn’t be trying to monopolize my time, ask me to buy you stuff, or to meet your mother fresh after (or while on) our first date.

      -Excessive, over the top mannerisms. You don’t need to roll your damn neck, pop gum, and flip your wrist while reading the directions off the back of a Aunt Jemima box. Chill out.

      -And on a shallow note, there’s the t-shirt test. Admittedly, I can’t get with a woman that doesn’t look good in my t-shirts.

      I know that might strike some of you as weird, so I’m fine with whatever way you want to call that.

      Reply ↓

    • I thought you vsbs said that exes don’t matter like a don’t ask don’t tell policy? I’m confused. You don’t like my big CC coat purse? I’m sorry but I’m used to being treated a certain way.

      I would give you some if you put your real pic on twitter.

      Reply ↓

      • @SFG

        Good. So it isn’t all that bad then. I could tell you some stories….

        About the car thing…one time I was on a date and shorty raised the topic of my car. I don’t know where she was going with it, but she told me she doesn’t see many guys with Corollas.

        So, I told her I’d gladly drive whatever she was comfortable with buying me. Quick and easy way to dead that.

        Reply ↓

        • @BDot
          That’s a facety, out of order chick. The very car she is sitting in, she is trying to clown you on the sneak tip about. Instant stunt box is what she would have become. Her only purpose for me after that FIRST and LAST date, would be strictly mattress recreation. Rude.

          Reply ↓

          • SoBo: you seem a lil extra agressive today.. whagwannin??
            although.. i do request permission to hijack matress recreation. please and tanks.

            PS: tanks – not a mis-spell but the patois of thanks. us jamaicans like to drop letters at random. :)

            Reply ↓

    • “I don’t know if women are aware of how the last dudes affect the how the new dude looks at her?)”

      hmm…i’ve oftentimes wondered the same thing about men.

      and

      3) Telling me “I’m use to being treated a certain way”

      Guilty.
      It might be a douchebaggy thing to say but, hell, sometimes heaux just don’t be knowing.

      Reply ↓

    • @ Humble one

      yes , yes and yes at #s 1,2,3 (this one really get’s to me),5,6,7 (this one is important, i can’t bring myself to hold hands or even kiss you with this).
      and a big YEEEEEEES on the last one. guys say i’m too nosy and picky when i show interest in this but i need to know for many reasons,

      1) if you have a record of consistently dating nasty ,whorish , dirty, crazy, loud beeetches i tend to wonder how good your judgment is and i might decide to jump ship before you invest our money with another Madoff.
      2) you might actually deserve those chicks (or they may be the only ones you can pull for very long), and if you do that’s enough to scare me away!
      3) the chicks you date tell me a lot about you from your standards to your intellect.

      Reply ↓

    • Have a long line of herbs, losers, and bums on your resume or carfax report. If you dated Gutta Black who stole your purse and maxed out your credit cards, Limp Wrist Antoine, and Super Ike Turner I’m not dealing with you. (Actually I think this may be a topic. I don’t know if women are aware of how the last dudes affect the how the new dude looks at her?)

      ***nodding head***

      Reply ↓

    • @Humble_One

      I literally was talking to my homeboy about this last night. Why and how in God’s name do you meet and deal with these people. Please don’t tell me how much the girl you talkin to is getting on your nerves and says this dumb ish -RE: 1, 2, 3, 5 and that whole gutta black paragraph- and then you say but I’ll see how it goes. >_> seriously!? Ooookk.

      Good list humble, cause these things should DEFINITELY make someone pause #noboondocks

      Reply ↓

  50. Lol @ wack ringtones

    When my 72 yr old daddy had ‘Bump and Grind’ by R. Kelly as his ringtone and then couldn’t get it to stop playing in the middle of a store, I was officially done with ringtones. Smh. The audacity!

    Reply ↓

  51. i for one don’t think there is anything wrong with being classist. i was in an office yesterday waiting for my number to be called. this woman walked in a took an application. she then turned to the receptionist and said, umm i can’t read, can someone help with this. i promise i thought i was looking at fantasia’s cousin or something. not that she was cute anyway but the fact that she couldn’t read. smh

    flip phones. why do they even make them anymore? i think they should stop making all types of phones outside of blackberrys, iphones, droids and htc’s.

    “it doesn’t matter if you actually have liquid rainbows of angel tears dripping down your legs, if you walk like your p*ssy is hiding the smoke monster from “lost“, your stock will drop quicker than dan gilbert’s.”

    this is so funny to me. lol

    Reply ↓

    • i was in an office yesterday waiting for my number to be called. this woman walked in a took an application. she then turned to the receptionist and said, umm i can’t read, can someone help with this.

      lol, if you dont mind me asking, what type of freakin office were you in where you interacted with illiterates?

      Reply ↓

  52. What about when a dude looks like Morris Chestnut, but his smile looks like Jeromey Rome’s? Or his breaf smells like my co-worke…errrrr …halitosis?
    *shudders

    Reply ↓

  53. Based on my real life experiences, here’s my list:

    1) Men that wear Pinky Rings
    2) Grown as* men that sleep on Full size beds.
    – If you’re 6’3″ and you’re still purchasing Standard size pillows for yor pillows – I’m cool on you, you cheap as*nicca!
    3) Men over 32 with roommates
    – I live in Atlanta – this is totally unacceptable

    4) Men who are totally obsessed with their daughters.

    - Let me explain. I have dated a few men who – in my opinion – have an unnatural obsession with their daughters. If your FaceBook Profile Picture, Cell-phone and Computer screen savers are pictures of your daughter, you may have a problem. If your daughter is 7 years old or older and you still letting her sit on your lap the entire church service – that’s too much. If we go to the mall, and you ask if we can stop at Limited Too and you buy a pink dress, with matching hair accessories (without my help), I can’t really fool with you. And finally, if you have an 8 x 10 picture of your daughter on you night stand in the bedroom, in a fancy frame, with a candle illuminating the picture – you will not be getting any from me.

    OK, I’m finished venting

    Reply ↓

    • If your FaceBook Profile Picture, Cell-phone and Computer screen savers are pictures of your daughter, you may have a problem

      so basically, men should not think their daughters are precious, and do everything too ensure they turn into montana fishburne?

      Reply ↓

      • I know men that have posted 52 picture photo shoots of their daughter on FB, Match.com, etc. That’s creepy to me. Not playing the color card but I especially see it from Dark Skin men who have light skin daughters, I’m just saying.

        This I-love-my-daughter-more-than-anything-in-this-entire-world-so-much-that-I would-lay-down-my-life-for her is over compensating at best. If you loved your daughter that much you would have married/stay married to the momma – and thus ensured that they DON’T end up like Montana Fishborne.

        Reply ↓

        • I disagree. Most fathers would lay their life down for their children. I would lay my life down for my daughter, period. Whether or not a man decides to marry or stay with the mother of his children has nothing to do with the love he has for his children. If he no longer loves the mother or if they are not good together, it’s in his and the children’s best interest to separate. He can still be a good father outside of marriage. The father/daughter bond is special and they love to show off their little girls.

          Reply ↓

          • I agree with SmartFoxGirl, but I still don’t want to see anyone’s child on a dating profile picture. That is weird and creepy, especially considering the what some of these negroes write in their profile (typically, it’s not safe for work…i’m just sayin.)

            Reply ↓

          • I agree with Smart Fox Girl totally.
            So long as there is no unnatural incestuous twisted oedipus obsession, I do not see why a father demonstrating acts of endearment for his child is a problem.

            @The Frog Princess
            Do you feel as if you would be competing for the man’s affection? Do you feel that this type of strong bond between a father and his daughter poses a threat to your relationship with him?

            Reply ↓

            • “Do you feel as if you would be competing for the man’s affection? Do you feel that this type of strong bond between a father and his daughter poses a threat to your relationship with him?”

              Why are you so great? I’m not saying that’s FP’s reasons cause that’s my girl and all but I do notice this seems to be the reason for alot of women. It’s called jealousy.

              Reply ↓

            • Let me clarify – There are single men out here waving the “I’m the best dad in the world Flag” proclaiming that there #1 priority, by a mile, is their daughter but they have not even attempted to reconcile with the mom (or in extreme cases get custody). Instead you want to tell me that you left or never married your daughter’s mother because she didn”t make you happy! GTFOOH

              A man claims to “lay his life on the line” for his daughter but then won’t even sacrifice a max of 18 years to ensure that his child is being raised with both parents in the home??? The facts are that 60%+ of black girls are molested and 80%+ of those molested are by their mother’s boyfriend or Step Father.

              If you REALLY want to show how much you “Lub your daughter” do right by her AND her momma. Give her an example of an intact family, with a daddy coming home every evening from work, kissing his wife and paying the bills. Greet her horny prom date at the door and make sure he has your “Princess” home by midnight and wait up. Ensure that she does not have “Daddy Issues” by being faithful and loving to the mom. Be her one-and-only daddy and not Daddy #1. Now that’s laying your life on the line for the daughter. Anything other than that is putting your needs first.

              In my humble opinion

              Reply ↓

              • @ The Frog Princess

                Is this Totally Hidden Video Blog? You can’t be serious.

                1. For a man, getting custody of a child is the most difficult thing in the world to accomplish. If unwed, mothers are legally awarded full custody of children from birth. Family court systems do not take children away from their mothers. For that to happen, the mother has to damn near be a crackhead or has to be determined unfit. Custody battles are usually drawn out and expensive for the fathers seeking full or partial custody.
                Many times even if fathers are awarded partial custody, many vindictive mothers violate court orders and are seldom(if ever) penalized for doing so.

                2,3,4,5 & 6. Having a child with someone is not grounds for being in a relationship with them. A father’s obligation is to his child, not the mother. If the relationship turns sour, it is in the child’s best interest that the parents go their separate ways, but it is IMPORTANT that both parents stay heavily involved and maintain a healthy working relationship together for the best interest of the child. A father CAN STILL have a strong presence in his child’s life without being romantically involved with the mother. It is up to him, and it is up to the mother(if she is fair and not scorned) to facilitate that relationship between parent and child.
                You can’t force a relationship to work because you have a child. Thats ridiculous and does more damage than good. Everyone loses in that situation. EVERYONE.

                Reply ↓

              • @ Sobo
                I AGREE! Most single mothers will agree too. Trust me. I promised myself that I would never say or do anything to tarnish his image to my daughter. I do everything I can to help them be together on weekends. If you start playing those games, it’s the child that suffers. Also, ask any person who grew up in a household where the parents no longer want to be together…it’s TERRIBLE. A child watching his/her parents argue and mistreat each other is also smart enough to see they don’t really love each other and will grow up to have relationship issues of their own. Nothing is worse than a volatile household. It’s pointless and just plain stupid to think you’re being a better father this way. It takes a determined man to make sure that he raises his daughter…whether he’s in the household or not is irrelevant…it’s still his job regardless. I also know live at home dads that SUCK at being a father. People always tell me I should make it work with her dad for her sake…people are ready to dish that advice. My motto is…I don’t take parental advice from anyone who is NOT a parent. PERIOD.

                You just have to do what you can to be good parents. My daughter cries for her dad and it literally hurts my heart. Enough so that I drive her 4 hours to see him every other weekend but it’s better this way. Trust me. He’s an excellent father and they skype every night. I get teary eyed listening to her tell him about her day and they have their own convo. It’s possible to be a good dad. This is what will help in keeping her from making wrong choices when it comes to men. And as a side note…if a step dad/boyfriend abuses the child…I blame the MOTHER.

                Reply ↓

    • Turning the picture to the side might be appropriate if you are planning on entertaining for the evening..

      However, a man not only taking responsibility for but actually cherishing his daughter is a major ‘plus’ not a ‘minus’.

      Reply ↓

  55. @8..flip phones…really! So that means I’m out the running becuse for the past three years I’ve had my flip phone and will not get a new phone till that one is dead. Hell, my mom is more up on the phone game than me with her iphone. But ya’ll call it laggin’ behind and late..I call it frugal! Yes…no?

    - A.D.

    (Oh, I totally agree with you Mr. Champ on the list)

    Reply ↓

  57. Chronic halitosis is my Curtis Blow.
    I had to put the brakes on a shortie when it appeared that there was a tiny man sitting on a toilet taking a sh*t in the back of her throat. Gristle.

    At first, I thought she may have been having a rare moment, or perhaps a bad day(we all do from time to time). Unfortunately, and sadly to say the least, that same malodorous funk emancipating itself from her mouth was present every time I saw her. When she said, “Hi”, it said, “Hello handsome, how hhhar hyou todhaay”?
    *sigh* A real shame, because she was a REALLY attractive and a VERY nice young woman. But alas, it was survival of the fittest. Either I deaded her, or her breath was gonna dead me.

    Reply ↓

    • I’m done with this post today. I have been struggling to breathe from laughing too hard at Champ’s post and all the comments but you Mr SoBo have sent me over the edge.

      “that same malodorous funk emancipating itself from her mouth was present every time I saw her. When she said, “Hi”, it said, “Hello handsome, how hhhar hyou todhaay”?”

      Reply ↓

    • I’m in a waiting room, chuckling to myself as I peruse the post and comments from today’s delightful truthiness and this right here… Made my lose all composure. I laughed. I cried. People are looking at me funny. So real. I’m like 97% sure they fired the IT guy at my job because of his chronic untreatable-with-a-mint-mouthwash-or-distance breath that would linger on the air for about 29mins after he was gone. You could literally smell if he had been there. Just terrible.

      Reply ↓

  58. So y’all are trying to win all the awards. Alright. I see you. Writing was even better than ever this week.
    Haha. Each and every item on this list is the truth. And it is so real…

    I would add using “big words” in the wrong context and letting it slip you support the wrong (ie not mine) sports team.

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  59. i hate when i read yall posts and have so many comments in my head… then by the time i get down to the ‘leave a comment’ from reading all the dang comments, my mind has been erased of all the witty, funny, and entertaining thoughts i had on the actual post.

    lol. ugh.

    anyhoo. extremely hilarious post. ugly laughs are the worst! i wanted to divorce my cousin’s husband FOR her when he laughed his *extremely* weird laugh (like silence with mouth open… then a loud honnnnnnnnk snort thing. i thought he was dying) at the thanksgiving table and everyone stopped and just O_o.

    ringtones. stoppit. lmbo. especially anything drake or raunchy. like i don’t want your phone telling me to back that arse up every time i call. that’s ridiculous.

    what’s worse? a jalopy or a girl car?

    drool? ewww. who does that?

    i would add anything that just makes you look extremely goofy before they’ve gotten the chance to appreciate your goofy nature.

    extremely is the word of the day, btw. lol

    you’ve had quite the week, Champ. good job.

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  63. I haven’t read all the posts, but white ‘ish in the corner of their mouths makes cools points decline by the second. Especially an accumulation of stuff in the corner of the mouth….Homie, you don’t feel that? You don’t like wipe your mouth ever? Plus, if gives a very *ahem* un-hetero look for men in particular so the swexy factor plunges low.

    Messy eaters who never use a napkin while they eat are a another turn-off. Some might be turned on with messy eaters, especially with specific foods, but guys still looking like they need a high chair is gross! It makes you wonder if they lack coordination and mental abilities. Lack of mental abilities is not swexy. Don’t have a sandwich with extra mayo and white ‘ish on your mouth or stuff on your lip…..like an entire morsel of food on your lip just chillin’. Folks who got it just smeared every where or in their beard like a snack for later…. Like seriously? No table manners? No consciousness of that sauce on your mouth?

    *cringing*

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    • @legitimate_soul

      “No consciousness of that sauce on your mouth?”

      That’s what kills me the most! LOL! Ok…so the barbeque wings are extra saucy (cool…i get it. i can bust down some wings like a champ too!). But how can you let the sauce linger on your face while you’re asking for a follow-up date?? Grab the napkin and do a clean sweep across your mouth first. Sheesh!!

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    • @LS
      Hey where you coming in all late? lol I cosign. Messy eaters with no manners means lack of awareness. That poses problems for you down the line. It’s the little things…the little things. Food in the beard is nasty. My ex had this chin hair that drove me BONKERS. He grew it all long and it was just gross sometimes. I cut it in his sleep. Delilah

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      • Hey, SFG ! *feeling like family cause you asked me why I’m late. Luv it! :) ),

        Girl, had to go to a funeral yesterday and was out with family late into the evening, so no 9pm PST post for me. Side Note: Funerals are sad, yes, but there is the sharing of family love and the inevitable humor that comes with it.

        Then I came back to work this morning and had a meeting/training for most of the morning.

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        • That’s okay. I get worried. lol Sorry about the loss! Yeah he was going to kill me but I had warned him for months that I was going to do it. He was trying to shave a piece of my hair off as payback but I sleep like a ninja so I caught him. Lmao.

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          • Hair from the chinny-chin chin is not like a patch of hair from the scalp. When you caught him was it like kung-fu theater in there? Some women (sometimes sadly) won’t even let they man touch their hair and he wanted to shave a piece? Negative!

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  64. i have no comment than i hate every single one you for making me literally laugh out loud on a crowded bus ( the baby in the pram even stopped crying to stare at me). simultaneously, i would like to thank you guys for the fact that i did not need to do stomach crunches today. #thatisall

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  68. Those were all super funny for real.

    How tha hell are ya’ll up posting stuff at 7 am in tha morning? Are u negroes working or what????
    I got a few Champ for ya:

    Wrestling around with a girl who is surprisingly stronger than you and coming to that realization after she almost breaks ur arm and u yell like a bi*ch. U might as well charge that one to tha the game and call it a day.Betta leave those chix with those man shoulders and that muscle booty alone lol.

    Getting strangled on ur own saliva or a drink while a person u like is talking only to have ur eyes water and then gasp for that much needed breath of air like u just swam up from Atlantis or something

    Getting caught doing something gross but necessary like getting that annoying booger out of ur nose, digging that cheeze out ya butt, picking ur teeth, or adjusting ur genitals. All very necessary but will destroy any possibility of making a good impression.

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  69. I. Am. Crying. At. This.

    This is the funniest thing you ever posted. LMAO at the bus & walking pictures. Oh EM.Gee.

    I hate when a dude says they don’t do the internet ie. facebook.. like they are apart of some exclusive club. & don’t let them have a flip phone. Love this list! :)

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  70. omg people say i have a dirty laugh oh well that’s me not going to change it infact my laugh makes people laugh.

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  71. Lol @ flip phones. Definitely have to agree. We have mandatory phones we take around the city to different jobsites. I took a work call while getting on the bus- and it was like Bizzaro Tyrese Coca-Cola Commercial . I’m getting looks like, “It’s 2010, is this cat really on a flip phone”, “Look, it’s a flip phone”, “He gets service??” “Mommy, I’m Scarred”…

    In the weekly meetings, can we upgrade our phones? Upper management is like “For What Big Guy?, The Flip Phone is Awesome”. I’m like fuck it. Hold on..Ig2g (Flips open phone to take call)..

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  72. If you house smells like warm lunchmeat and a fading Glade Plugin, it’s grounds for dismissal. Yes, this actually happened. Yes, I bounced on site.

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