Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Let’s Talk About Serial Monogamy, Mmkay Pumpkin?

F*ck n*ggas. Get money. F*ck b*tches. Get money.

F*ck n*ggas. Get money. F*ck b*tches. Get money.

The Best Man is one of my favorite movies. Not because I relate in any particular way to any character, though I feel like most menfolks with groups of friends probably fit in one way or another to a central character in the movie. It’s actually a good movie. Which is why I’m saddened that the sequel looks worse than Kanye West manhandling a paparazzi while news outlets report that George Zimmerman is a humanitarian and all around hero.

Seriously, Kanye can’t fight. He wasn’t even trying to fight dude, but he totally looked like he can’t fight. Reminds me of Tupac in Poetic Justice fighting Chicago. We know Tupac could throw them hands because he whooped The Hughes Brothers asses, but he didn’t look like he could…at all.

Well, The Best Man was the first time I’d ever heard the term “serial monogamist”. Harper was the king of leaving women strung out. According to Quincy, he’d get into these jive-ass public relationships, then as soon as the woman stepped outside of his little box, he’d kick them to the curb…presumably to do the exact same thing a short time later to somebody else. Which to me means that the general premise is that a person, more than likely to be a man, who bounces from serious relationship to serious relationship, without fully taking the time to process the previous relationship OR fully vet the new one.

Basically, its like a lot of stories we heard about folks who got married frequently because they clearly didn’t know that you didn’t have to get married. *coughRichardPryorElizabethTaylorDonaldTrumpcough* Or in this case, that you can just date people without fully committing until the time is right, and you don’t HAVE to do that right out of a previous relationship.

Let me switch gears for a second here. While I think that most women take the time to properly process a significant breakup or at least don’t quickly rush into new relationships, I’m not sure most men do or care to. We tend to just keep it moving. It becomes about sex as opposed to connection. Women don’t usually go that road. At least not to my knowledge. But something I have noticed is how little women seem to care that man is freshly out of a relationship. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong – I’m not, I’ve got enough anecdotal evidence here to convict and get the chair – but a significant number of women don’t seem to truly care how long an available man is out of his last relationship, they just care that he’s not in one. It could be a few weeks or a month. If she wants him, and he’s “available” she seems to be willing to take a shot, clearly hoping that he’s moved on.

I’ve seen and witnessed it with my own two eyes. To be clear, I do think there is something to be said about taking some time to get your life together. I think most of us men, myself included, could probably stand to do a lot more self-reflection. Not all, but most of us. But…and Tamika got a big ole butt…if you are newly single, and this super bad chick comes into your galaxy and is trying to get with you, and you’re a relationship type of guy, its not hard to see who you might fall RIGHT back into the same pattern you just exhibited. You can tell her you just broke up with your girl and she’ll ask why. Then she’ll ask if you’re over the ex? Pretty much as long as you don’t longingly look towards the left, right, sky, or Hell, and take too long to answer, she’s going to accept what you say as law. Remember, she’s pretty much already invested.

The point…of it allllllllllllllll…is that clearly being a serial monogamist isn’t ideal, but if women are quick to try to make that thing work so quickly how can we blame a man for going that route. Assuming he’s a relationship guy. The other side of this is a dude who never commits and keeps these women strung out on hope. Like Obama. I’m not blaming women for this as a man, seemingly should just take some accountability, but if we are able to get over women quickly – which it seems like most men are, whether that makes us dbags or not is up for debate, I’m going to say it just makes us different than our women counterparts – then why does any man need to be NOT committing to somebody new who has made it clear that she doesn’t care that he just got out of a relationship in the first place, leading to hopefully something bigger in the second place, though it likely won’t make it t the third place because he aint properly see if he could make it in the fourth place which basically, my ninja, PLEASE STOP F*CKING WITH THE OCEAN, MY NWORD! (gives a new meaning to the word “selfie” doesn’t it, nature be on that bullsh*t.)

Assuming my definition holds water, serial monogamist are dangerous because they actively entertain and commit to women largely in name only, as they’ve usually got one foot outside of the door. Is my definition correct? If so, what’s a reasonable amount of time for anybody to wait to get into a new relationship? But does that even matter if you ain’t reflecting anyway? Can women be serial monogamists?

IS THERE A CURE FOR IT?!?! And most importantly, why would anybody f*ck with the ocean?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I’M JUST GON’ LOOK AT YOU IN THE OCEAN FROM HERE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://awordorthree.com/ A Word or Three

    We all would succeed if we could just follow our mommas’ advice: “Why don’t you just siddown somewhere??”

    Breathe, stretch, shake. And preferably shake somewhere by yourself every now and then. #Selfie.

    • panamajackson

      Puns for President!

  • Jay

    The other side of this is a dude who never commits and keeps these women strung out on hope. Like Obama.
    Shots fired??

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      Yeah, that’s a very insightful line.

    • JayIzUrGod

      Man that was cannon fire.

    • Todd

      All I have to say is what Big Boi from Outkast said on the Cipha Sounds and Rosenberg show, “B*tch, I voted for Gary Johnson!”

    • Sahel

      But you gotta admit it is a very effective tactic. Obama is a two term president so imagine how much tail a guy would swim in if he used the same

    • panamajackson

      LOL. That wasn’t even an intentional shot. I didn’t even know it could be taken as one…

  • nillalatte

    “but if we are able to get over women quickly – which it seems like most men are” … “they actively entertain and commit to women largely in name only, as they’ve usually got one foot outside of the door.”

    And, this is why I stopped investing emotionally in men. If you are able to get over ‘women’ quickly and always have one foot outside the door, you were never invested anyway.

    “what’s a reasonable amount of time for anybody to wait to get into a new relationship?”
    What is reasonable for one, might be too soon for another. subjective PJ.

    “Can women be serial monogamists?”
    Yup, why not. There are some true emotional benefits to doing so.

    • JayIzUrGod

      You can’t determine how invested someone is just because they have a foot outside the door. It is a defense mechanism but it depends on the person how tightly they cling to that mechanism.

      I am that guy with one foot out the door. But I’ve invested everything I have into my relationship. The point is though, I learned to tone down my ego, and spare my emotions for nonsense. I gave her everything I have. I believe she has returned the favor. If she ever takes that away, or cheats, or just leaves, I won’t take it personally and assume it is all my fault. I will understand she had her reasons and it will hurt, but by being reasonable, my ego won’t make a big deal about it, and I can move on.

      True, some dudes are just there for good times and as soon as it gets rough, they bounce with little disregard. Yea…those you stay away from. But some people do try to work on their emotional issues.

      • panamajackson

        I just really don’t see how you can have one foot out the door and be fully invested. Then again, I’m one of those hope for the best prepare for the worst types. But it seems like relationships are the one area where you either go all in or you remove yourself emotionally. Easier said than done. I’m guilty of that.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          ~ or you remove yourself emotionally

          this always seems a little contrived to me. i get that some people simply do not care for certain folk beyond the fulfillment of their short-terms desires, whatever those may be, and that’s real. not necessarily the most fulfilling approach to personal development but undoubtedly many people are willfully limited for reasons that are none of my business.

          but. to resist the feelings that form naturally because they create something that the person does not wish to acknowledge, thas just .. disturbing. i believe one can feel emotions fully without using them to demand reciprocity. it’s no easy feat but again, it’s about living one’s truth without putting conditions on someone else ..

        • JayIzUrGod

          Emotionally I’m just weird. All relationships, be it family, friends, or lovers, I am emotionally reserved. Death, heartbreak…all that I’m familiar with, so somewhere down the line, I iced myself up to stop taking things personally and just understand things don’t always work out. I guess you can say I keep 10% to myself and give up the 90%, working hard on it everyday. So if I lose these people, it will hurt but I know I gave them the best of me, while keeping the worst of me away from them.

      • Madlark

        Unless you fear you’re going to locked inside there isn’t any good reason to have one foot out the door. You can always leave through the door you came in or jump out the window when you feel the time to leave.

        • JayIzUrGod

          Honestly I’m just emotionally stumped. When I say one foot out the door, I honestly just mean I can walk away at any given time with less regrets and hang UPS than I used to have when I was less emotionally damaged.i embrace the good and the bad. It sounds weird but it just keeps the peace for me

    • Kema

      “If you are able to get over ‘women’ quickly and always have one foot outside the door, you were never invested anyway.”
      This is me… well not getting over women but men. Again I will reference Clumsy as it states my M.O. better than I can. I like new stuff. Relationships are no different. *shrug*

      You know, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me
      This love sick thing
      I like serious relationships and a
      A girl like me don’t stay single for long
      Cause everytime a boyfriend and I break up
      My world is crushed and I’m all alone
      The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I’m back

      • http://www.saysmeblog.wordpress.com/ Aly

        I love that song, in fact that whole album was great. Fergie is one of those artists that I’m embarrassed to say that I like, but her songs are very catchy.

        • Kema

          lol! I have a few fergie songs on the Ipod. ;-)

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

        i did that. it made me sick. if it works for you, i salute you, mujer, because you are one powerful woman !

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    Some people just aren’t comfortable being alone and they also aren’t comfortable in casual relationships. They need to feel like someone is there for them. But, that someone is highly interchangeable. Which is why they can move from relationship to relationship so quickly.

    If I was a psychologist I would probably say that such people were fear-based. They simply fear being alone. So much so that they are almost constantly in relationships. For some it’s marriage and for others it’s just serious commented relationships.

    I’d also say that for such people relationships are like a medication. Any time off of that medication makes them ill. So they just keep taking it without ever exploring alternatives, like self reflection, that might make them healthy.

    And, I think both women and men suffer from this.

    • JayIzUrGod

      Val, those people are sociopaths. There is no good reason at all in life to jump from person to person, infecting them with your special brand of craziness but never connecting the dots that nobody sticks around for long. The narcissism it takes to be that kind of person is profound.

      • helga_g

        some people just don’t get it and never will, I am not sure if that makes them a true sociopath or just an emotional idiot

        • JayIzUrGod

          I like sociopath. Makes them sound dangerous and encourages the idea that they should be locked up and shunned by society.

          Could you imagine exiling the big boobed chick with 20 boyfriends before she turned 19 or the flashy guy who’s slept with as many women as the money in his wallet but never settled down with anyone for more than 5 minutes? Stress free fa sho.

          • Kema

            But why should they be exiled? Because they live life differently?

            • JayIzUrGod

              I’m teasing honestly, but in my head, I always wonder how different things would be if people understood how their mistakes influence other peoples lives and the mistakes they mght make. Some people have hurt so many others by not staying alone, and those victims sometimes never recover and.create new victims themselves. I just think it is unfair

              • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                i can honestly say that once i left my parents’ home, i was the source of my suffering and the person who created my victimization. i sought out people who would hurt me, because they were hurting, and that attracted me.

                with all due respect i wonder how different things would be if people who see themselves as victims took complete and total responsibility for their choices. until i began to do this, i could never be free of the suffering that i heaped upon myself ..

                • JayIzUrGod

                  That’s what I wonder too Esa. Its not realistic to believe that many people could do this…but I just always wonder what the difference would be.

        • panamajackson

          I’d agree. I’m not sure sociopath is accurate. But being emotionally retarded is probably as good a term as possible.

          I’m sure I’ve been emotionally retarded at some point. Some may even say I am now. lol. Lil Wayne has no worries, I ain’t got no feelings.

          • Kema

            Emotionally retarded… emotionally unavailable. :-)

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Hurt people, hurt people, Rewind. I don’t think they are necessarily sociopaths, although they can be, so much as just people who don’t know how to be by themselves. It’s kind of like people I see who are addicted to their smart phones. It’s as though they are afraid to just sit quietly and listen to their internal voice so they occupy their minds at all times with external stimulation.

        Serial monogamists seem to also be afraid to sit with themselves. They too need the external stimulation in the form of a relationship.

        • JayIzUrGod

          Look I’ve been a seriously hurt person before and I know what the fear of pain can do. It is paralyzing and almost death-like at times. But when you look behind you and can’t see the trail of bodies you’ve laid in your wake, that is SCARY. And I know that all people learn their lessons at different times, but this is a classic issue on VSB: if all you do is hurt people without realizing the pain you cause, how should you be viewed in the end?

          Not everybody is happy with saying “aww poor them, one day they will get it together”,

          • panamajackson

            Self-reflection is a motherf*cker.

        • Kema

          But why does it have to be afraid. What if they just dont like it? I’m one of these people. lol! I’m not afraid to be alone. I just prefer not to be.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Nice avi, Kema!

            In the context of this conversation we’re talking about serial monogamists. So, that’s why I highlight the fear part. You like relationships but, I assume you can be okay not being in one. That’s the difference.

            • Kema

              “Some people just aren’t comfortable being alone and they also aren’t comfortable in casual relationships. They need to feel like someone is there for them. But, that someone is highly interchangeable. Which is why they can move from relationship to relationship so quickly.”

              I’m actually a serial monogamist. lol! And your description fit me to a tee. Only thing is I would change ‘need’ to ‘like’. But I dont get why anyone wouldnt want someone to be there for them. I strongly identify with Fergies song ‘Clumsy’. lol!

          • Sahel

            Your eyes…they talk to me

            • Kema

              What are they saying?

              • Sahel

                You like to cuddle

          • JayIzUrGod

            Preference is a choice but at least you understand if you NEED to be alone, you will. You won’t force yourself to mot be alone. People who fear loneliness will break all sorts of barriers to avoid loneliness, to the point where they burn bridges constantly.

            • Kema

              I dont force myself to not be alone but I’m a problem solver. I prefer company so I seek it. Some may call it thirsty. I dont know about ya’ll but when I’m thirsty I drink.

              • 321mena123

                That’s not thirst. That’s knowing what you want and working towards getting it. Thirst is more desperation.

                • Kema

                  I know… but it seems a lot of people consider thirst to be anything outside of nonchalance.

                  • Sahel

                    *ponders definition and justification of thirst*

                  • helga_g

                    now that is so true! If you express mild interest in someone/something then you are automatically thirsty; the sicko IDGAF mindset taints everything lol

              • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                i love people. i love good company. but i dont love being in relationships because i dont know how to be.

              • Rachmo

                This is kind of an awesome response.

          • Sahel

            Serial monogamists love attention thats why they prefer not to be alone because they starve lol

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

        with all due respect, i dont think one must be a sociopath to be a serial monogamist. i’m well versed in the school of sociopaths, so when i met a serial monogamist, none of those warning bells went off. i got totally confused when his actions did not match his words, and i got totally strung out. but, truth be told, i let this happen to myself for reasons i could not understand until the relationship ended. fact is, he didnt hurt me. i used him to hurt myself.

        • JayIzUrGod

          I express sociopath in the sense how they can live a life of duality, bur the difference is they lack knowledge of the duality. They are so consumed by their arrogance that they sincerely cannot imagine reality being different than how things play out in their head.

          • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

            i dont know that serial monogamists lack the ~ability~ to transcend their pathology, whereas sociopaths cannot be cured. this is the distinction i wish to make. there is the possibility for redemption for the serial monogamist, but the sociopath is predator til death do s/he go.

            • panamajackson

              I agree here. Learning and realizing the lives you are f*cking over can definitely make you want to make a change.

            • JayIzUrGod

              That is one way to look at it. But I’ve never seen that road of redemption for these kinds of people. I always see the aftermath of a horrible war; families that are torn apart, trust destroyed, and decades of scorn and hatred. I’ve never seen the opposite outcome so I have always believed these people to be beyond empathy.

              • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                i believe empathy is within the soul, and to deny it to others is to deny it to one’s self. i’m learning to have empathy for a whole bunch of folk i couldnt be near in any shape or form. it helps me release myself from the prisons of my mind.

                • JayIzUrGod

                  Empathy to me moves beyond body and soul, its a notion that one vibration on my thread of life will cause vibrations to other threads and that needs to be respected.

                  • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                    i agree with that. i see the soul as the source of that vibration. leaving that distinction aside, tho, what would be the conflict about empathizing with people whose are manifesting pain ?

                    • JayIzUrGod

                      The conflict comes from watching someone negatively alter someone else to the point of perhaps, permanent damage. I am the result of it and as much as I want to help people, my tolerance to watching get screwed over due to one person’s ignorance is real low

            • veryaveragebrotha

              Sociopaths are not by definition ‘predators’ hollywood has ruined humanity.

              • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                so·ci·o·path

                a person with a psychopathic personality whose behavior is antisocial, often criminal, and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

                i may be wrong, but i equate this with predatory behavior, having been on the receiving end of it. i’m not basing my interpretations on Hollywood films or television shows. i’m basing it on life experience, up close and personal.

                • Kema

                  I actually agree with average. They lean to predatory / criminal behavior more often than others because they lack remorse. But that doesnt mean they will.

        • panamajackson

          hmm…interesting and poignant turn of phrase.

          “he didn’t hurt me. i used him to hurt myself.”

          does that mean you’re letting him off the hook?

          • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

            he’s hanging on his own hooks. and he knows that i know what they are. i dont feel the need to add mine to his. i tried that and it failed because he cant ever be responsible for my choices.

            it’s taking a good long time but i am learning to own every last bit of me. which includes my own sabotaging techniques which involved choosing men who had their own destructive impulses.

      • E Reed

        A lot of serial monogamists have become leading characters in countless episodes of “Snapped.” Male and female…. they’re not sociopaths, but not mentally stable either…!

        • JayIzUrGod

          Lmao @ Snapped. I’m using sociopath loosely for this argument but regardless I find these people to be highly dangerous.

      • Anonymous

        They’re narcissists; not sociopaths.

    • http://taterwithak.blogspot.com/ K. Marie Woodberry

      I like this, Val. I also think fear motivates me and I am far from a serial monogamist.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Sometimes fear motivates to move in the opposite direction of serial monogamy. Sometimes it acts to make us either hold on to relationships at all cost or to avoid the possible hurt that relationships can bring by avoiding serious relationships altogether. I’ve experienced both myself.

  • IcePrincess

    I mean, ima be devils advocate rite now because Ifeel like, anybody, male or female, who goes hard at someone, knowing they JUST got out if a relationship, is looking in the total wrong place anyway. Its never a good look to be somebody’s rebound, especially like, on purpose.If a person is mere weeks out of a break up, do yourself a favor & fall back!! Let a ninja/ninjette BREATH. Don’t be the n ext victim. And if YOURE the serial monogomist…cut it out! You ain’t gotta lie to kick it. Jus try being “single” and jus do

    • Dignan 2

      As a guy who has given a woman time to breathe, only to see some other guy scoop her up while I was letting her breathe, I understand why guys are sometimes reluctant to let too much time pass.

      You’re still right, though.

      • Craig and Dem

        I’m gonna have to agree with Dignan Deuce here. There’s always going to be another dog that wants my damn bone. And that’s Real. . . . .

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

          It’s always the rebound ninja who slips one by the goalie while I was letting her breathe. Cold game

          • Sahel

            All this is in the players handbook chapter 37 guys,come on. You can never let her breathe,you gotta strike early and fast

  • minxbrie

    Usually I attribute serial monogamists to having parental issues. And to be honest, I always find them to be women. Then again, I have male friends who are a little more “feminine” so they handle relationships more sensitively…

    I like to use my best friend as a comparison to how Daddy issues can send you on opposite spectrums. I can’t be in a relationship and keep men at arm’s length. She can’t stay out of a relationship for more than a handful of months, because she’s trying to fill a void and she fears that she will end up alone like her mother who has gone on one date since her Dad passed away 20 years ago.

    I don’t think it’s keeping one foot out the door, as much as it is a need to not be alone. I remember a few years ago I read a study that men actually have a harder time dealing with break ups because they often don’t rely on friends and family the same way women do. So rather than face the music, they just find someone else to distract them and it just becomes a cycle to avoid dealing with themselves.

    • JayIzUrGod

      This is true, because facing the music means admitting there is something wrong with us. And since we are men…that’s all we ever hear, that something is wrong with us and we need to be fixed.

      • minxbrie

        Listen, there’s a little something wrong with everybody. And I get it – Men are taught to suppress feelings and if there’s no concrete solution to dealing with their problem, they push it away. Since women are supposed to be nurturers, it’s easy to think that Love is enough to fix anything.

        But after spending my teens trying to fix every broken boy who stepped in my path, I’m over it. The first step to being in any kind of fulfilling relationship is to *love yourself* and that can’t be taught, spoon-fed or forced into anyone. Serial monogamists can’t seem to internalize self-esteem, so they feed off of it from others.

        • 321mena123

          “Serial monogamists can’t seem to internalize self-esteem, so they feed off of it from others.” Nice.

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

        ~ And since we are men…that’s all we ever hear, that something is wrong with us and we need to be fixed.

        small suggested edit :: And since we are human…that’s all we ever hear, that something is wrong with us and we need to be fixed.

        i respect that men get hit with a list of ish thas “wrong” about who and what they are. i dont agree with this approach to “helping” people since i dont believe that personal transformation works from the outside in.

        i believe women also get hit with a list of ish thas “wrong” as well. i think it begins for most folk in childhood. and it goes on forever until you/one becomes discerning enough to edit out people whose purpose is to make other people “wrong” ..

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      It takes a lot of pride to say “no i need to work on me”especially when at least on the man’s side it’s really easy to get a girlfriend (note theres a difference between getting a gf and finding a good woman). Few have the maturity to work on themselves when there’s plenty of chicks to stroke their ego

      • Todd

        True. Rare is the man who managed to be in a relationship who can’t get someone else to commit relatively easily. On the flip side, it may take a woman more time and effort to find that next dude willing to commit.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          ~ On the flip side, it may take a woman more time and effort to find that next dude willing to commit.

          small suggested edit: “…to find that next quality dude willing to commit.”

          i think a woman could get a commitment from a lot of men, but they might not be on the level she is looking for. cause truth (for me) is that a man who doesnt rush in, who a.ssesses himself, myself, and the situation fully before making a commitment appears as a man of substance.

          • Rachmo

            I totally agree with this. I took about a year to “work on me” and then spent another year and a half dating. I got many commitments but I knew the people were so wrong for me.

            • Sahel

              Am curious would you date someone younger than you and commit

              • Rachmo

                Serious boyfriend #1- One year younger
                Serious boyfriend # 2- Two years younger
                Current boyfriend- About 8 months younger

                • 321mena123

                  I really feel like this is the way to go.

                  • Rachmo

                    Real talk I’ve dated guys anywhere from two years younger to 15 years older than me. There are some differences but honestly age means nothing. All men have some kid in them, some men are jackasses, and some men are great boyfriend material no matter the age. It’s all about mentality and compatibility. I told my current bf within five minutes of meeting him that I would under no circumstances date him bc he was too young. Clearly I’m full of it.

                    • 321mena123

                      I don’t think i could do 15 years older. That’s the difference between good times and saved by the bell ;-) But i also get what you are saying.

                    • Sahel

                      Ageist

                • Sahel

                  Interesting.

                  • Rachmo

                    Of course

                    • Sahel

                      Do you submit

                    • Rachmo

                      Submit? Are we talking like am I the boss? In that case, yeah I do. I know me and I can’t date someone that cannot put me in my place because I tend to trip. I also tend to not be “the leader” in my relationships bc although I talk a big game, other than a few issues I’m overly flexible (sometimes to a fault) and will just go with things.

                    • Sahel

                      Sweet

                    • 321mena123

                      If a man has a great head on his shoulders, there really isn’t much for you to do in “the leader” department. You trust him, appreciate him, and can just chill. That’s a nice feeling.

                    • Rachmo

                      Ding ding ding ding ding! That is the correct answer!

                    • 321mena123

                      It’s almost empowering knowing you vetted a good one that is a responsible and respectful leader. Makes you happy.

                    • Kema

                      Should all women submit? I wonder about this because there are men that are clearly not leaders and women that are. What if two individuals in these groups get together?

                    • 321mena123

                      One should compliment the other and be comfortable in their role. Sometimes roles change and as long as you are both happy with and respect each other, flow with it.

                    • Kema

                      I ask this because I constantly attract these non leader/agressive men that seem to wait for me to give direction. I’ve been reading about being more feminine and learning how to feel rather than think. blah blah blah… I’m wondering if I should just learn to be comfy in the role I seem to fall into naturally. But my romance novel loving self really would like to be all submissive like. lol

                    • Sahel

                      You outta to expand your dating pool. Try an army ranger base lol

                    • 321mena123

                      You come off very feminine online. You are also an extrovert so that energy will usually attract someone who is more laid back.

                    • Kema

                      I’m feminine in appearance but my energy is very masculine. Both men and women have both masculine and feminine energy. Mine is just overwhelmingly on the masculine side which attracts the feminine. :-/

                      Masculine Energy – doing, aggression, analytical, concrete, impatient, striving, rushing, assertive, left brain, thrusting, organizing, logical, busy, hard, controlling

                      Feminine Energy – being, surrender, intuitive, abstract, patient, tranquil, nurturing, receptive, right brain, receiving, synthesizing, creative, calm, soft, allowing

                    • 321mena123

                      Could it be that you come off more of the former but are actually the latter?

                    • Kema

                      Please explain…

                    • 321mena123

                      Do you come off when people first meet you as more masculine but if they got to know you would see that you actually have more feminine energy traits? Or do you have the masculine energy from start to finish?

                    • Kema

                      The masculine energy is definitely from start to finish.

                    • 321mena123

                      Ok. Mine starts off as masculine but i am really just a warm gooey center of feminine energy once i realize you can handle business.

                    • Kema

                      Now I will fall back when there’s someone that’s more dominant but I never really have the feminine energy. I’m working on it!

                    • Sahel

                      Someone will submit trust me. There can never be two alphas being together. I have never heard a woman say that they want a man whom they cuckold

                    • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                      this is a goooood question. i’m asking it of myself. because the truth is I Do Not Want To Be The Man. i am tired of that ish.

                      for me, it’s all about making better choices and picking men i deeply respect. men who have their heads together and are the yang to my yin. then it’s much easier to fall back, to listen, and to consider another approach. it doesnt make me any less a leader, it just makes me stop trying to be Man of the House.

                      now, to learn to cook. dang ..

                    • Sahel

                      Obsidian can explain this better than me. Let me summon him

                    • Kema

                      Esa… we are —> <— I knew you would identify just cuse we both love the chase. lol! I'm tired of being the man but when I try to fall back it seems like no one is driving and I quickly take the reins up again.

                    • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                      yes lovely, we are on the same page. what i realized is, selecting for better men make for a better experience over all. it also creates patience, which also takes time to learn. ohh irony, you need patience to learn patience, but it’s a beautiful thing, this freedom from that drive for nownownow

                      if a man doesnt show up at all, thas a big old red flag. and i’m tired of snuggling up with red flags in bed at night. they are musty filthy things.

                      but if a man shows up, but he’s not, let’s say, overeager, if he’s got the self-assurance to simply be as he would be when he is with his friends, if he’s not trying too hard, if he’s simply who he is as he is, then there is a natural give and take that inspires me to learn to relax, fall back, and take it all in. i can still be a contribution without being the dang horse pulling the cart.

                      it’s not easy for me. but it’s a worthy pursuit, self-control, that is ~*~

                    • Kema

                      Ahhh… Patience. Did you see the masculine vs feminine energy list i posted?

                    • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                      yes, i love the list ~*~ i see the old and new me in so much of it. i think the thing is a balance of those energies, within the self, and then once that balance is achieved, one can easily flow with other folk, and edit out people where it’s a mismatch, and enjoy those where it’s a natural fit ~*~

                    • Rachmo

                      This is for you too @disqus_UtAHUy5O0a:disqus. I totally get it I have dated a lot of guys that are good with me taking charge. But. I. Hate. That. Ish. I am a woman that loves the chase but hates being “the man.”

    • Todd

      First, can I say your best friend and her mom need more than a few hugs? That sounds like a lot of pain unresolved there. Two, I think men don’t rely on their friends when it comes to break ups because there’s nothing “empowering” for a break up for us.

      When women break up, they’ll get lots of calls, support, special time with friends, slander about how that n*gga was never sh*t time to vent and just a place to get all of their emotions out of their system. With dudes, there’s no real change in how they deal with their friends, except maybe out to the club or strip club to get your D wet and get that broad out of their system. There’s something to be said about ritual, because women in our society do a better job of it then men.

      • minxbrie

        I think it could be the kind of friends men keep, as well. My male friends have at least a handful of female friends so if a break-up happens, they always have someone who will be like, “Hey, how are you doing with everything? You wanna talk about it?” But if they only run with other males, it could be a different story.

  • HRH Prince Farouk I

    I think serial monogamy has to do with a person not wanting to be alone, basically people that cannot stand the thought of only thinking about themselves. There is an emptiness that they feel only another person can fill. I think some people see serial monogamy as a good thing because the person is not a cheater. As a reformed serial monogamist, I call BS. It just means I cant handle the logistics or stress associated with trying to date or be with more than one woman at the same time. So you see I am incapable of cheating but I do/did have issues with jumping from one relationship to another and even dating exes again to see if perhaps I made a mistake.

    I think the cure like in my case might be a change of environment (read moving back to the motherland) where your game or lack of it means that you are forced to go through a period of cultural adjustment which in the mean time leaves you single and gives you time to think and realize you dont have to be in a serious relationship with every girl you fancy, its ok to be an “a-hole” better to be that than a person who strung a poor lady along.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      whether its the “don’t wanna hurt anyone, let’s see where this goes” guy, and the “I’m not looking for that right now” guy, ultimately shes getting rejected and will hate you for it. Both get called a-holes so minds well be an honest one

      • HRH Prince Farouk I

        I guess good intentions count for nothing. Better to be honest to one’s self and to your partners. The honest ahole beats the one trying to be nice but still ends up being an ahole

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          may i ask, why does being honest with himself and others make a man an azz ?

          • Sahel

            Because being honest means telling it like it is and most people cant handle the truth. Ever had to tell someone they were weak in bed and thats the reason the relationship cant continue ?

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

              ~ Ever had to tell someone they were weak in bed and thats the reason the relationship cant continue ?

              well (smiiiile) i did tell this guy something like that, i was totally honest and it didnt make me want to end it with him. but it made him move away from me. and i couldnt really get it. didnt he want to practice ? i guess not ..

              i dont think honesty in and of itself is a problem; i believe it is all about delivery. i am working on the art of mastering speaking an unpleasant truth with grace. it’s not easy at all, but it’s worth the effort and the diligence.

              • Yoles

                tell them esa… people out here acting like honesty is evil… honesty is beautiful… its the cold heartless, blunt, cut with a sword delivery and words chosen by those heartless ones that gives honesty a bad rep….

                • Sahel

                  Honesty is honesty. It dosent matter what flowery language you use

                  • Yoles

                    no not flowery… there are a million ways to say something… and i find that people tend to feel that honesty=saying it the harshest way possible… telling someone you feel that you are not sexually compatible isn’t the same as telling someone, i can’t stay in a relationship with weak beats so i’m out…

                    • Kema

                      Lol! The ‘not sexually compatible’ thing is something I told my bff 10 years ago. We are still friends so…

                  • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                    my bias as a writer is to overvalue the importance of words. i am highly sensitized to people’s choices, and am doing my best to vigilantly monitor my own. flowers are for garden, for vases, for paintings and poems, but they arent for the truth because they distract with their scent and color and charm. truth requires (from me) grace, kindness, and gentility. otherwise i’m liable to open a vein for the pleasure of feeling myself bleed.

                    • Sahel

                      Well to me its just semantics. If it walks like a duck then its a duck.

                  • JayIzUrGod

                    I’m wearing th you, harsh and fast cuts better than calculating and caring. Speaking the truth shouldn’t be about selections of words but the proper manner to get your message across. You don’t have to tell someone they suck like a Dyson vaccum in bed, but if they sincerely refute any negativity then the harsh way is better than being kind.

                    • Sahel

                      Yup Yup

                • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                  I agree, Yolie. There’s a difference between compassionate honesty and angry honesty.

              • Kema

                “i am working on the art of mastering speaking an unpleasant truth with grace.”
                Let me know how this goes. lol! Its something I’m working on as well. I’m uncomfy with uncomfy truths.

                • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                  it’s going rather well. i’ve edited out of my life the people who i cannot be honest with. everyone new gets the benefit of the doubt. the thing for me right now is the most uncomfortable truths are the ones i need first and foremost to tell myself.

                  once i can deal with me, i feel better in the world and there is less “unpleasant truth” i feel the need to voice to other folk.

            • Kema

              Oooo! I was honest this week with a little help from liquor. I saw a guy in a club and he asked me why I didnt talk to him anymore. I told him I saw no love connection and foresaw a lot of arguments between us. Being honest was interesting. I shall try it again one day.

              • Sahel

                Honesty is supposed to be natural. People are too PC in my opinion these days

                • Kema

                  Well I’m definitely not PC. I just dont like how it feels when uncomfy truths come out my mouth. And funny enough it doesnt have much to do with the person on the receiving end. I just dont like it.

                  • Sahel

                    You dont want to hurt their feelings

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

        ~ ultimately shes getting rejected and will hate you for it

        mmm. ima need the woman to have more agency in her choices. i needed that truth about what i was doing because i willfully disregarded my responsibility to myself. i needed to be a victim because that was the only role i knew how to play. i was choosing men who would reject me so that i could reject them. our pathologies drew us together, and our pathologies tore us apart. and it would have gone on forever until i decided to break the cycle and deal with my nonsense.

        • panamajackson

          deep. very deep.

  • Craig and Dem

    All I want to know is what is the “appropriate” time to deal with a break up?

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      No one knows, but it’s provocative. I’ve met women still torn over some ninja from years ago, others who became open to dating after a few months. Its clear when someone is clearly stuck on an ex, and if u pursue anyway you’re asking for it

      • panamajackson

        I wish somebody would do a poll to figure out how long the average person waits. I’m assuming one may exist. I’ve seen folks be stuck for 2 years and folks stuck for 2 weeks. I know one woman who told me she was back in the saddle after 4 days.

        I’m gonna say on average…its the square root of the last time you smashed + how long you claim you aint been in love.

        • Yoles

          i read somewhere that at most it is half the time of the relationship minus the downhill time…

          i.e. relationship lasted 3 years but the last year was touch and go… so half of two years is one year… so you should be able to be equipped to move on within a year.. i can’t remember what women’s magazine i read that in but i know i was at the doctors office…

          • Kema

            I’ve read that too but I had a ‘relationship’ that lasted a couple of months and it took me longer to get over it. I’ve had one last 2 years and I was ok the next day. I think it depends on your feelings for the person.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

    Serial monogamists are typically fake selfless, they keep taking plunge after plunge because they think it’s what the other person wants but in reality they are just afraid of being alone. Women can be SMs too, Kim K comes to mind, but typically women aren’t afforded the luxury to get chose at the snap of their finger.

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      “…but typically women aren’t afforded the luxury to get chose at the snap of their finger.”

      I don’t know, Tristan. I think women do the choosing most of the time. And, men are always available so it kind of is at the snap of a finger.

      • Todd

        Choose to deal with a man, yes. Choose to get his commitment, not so much. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have women holding on for years, sometimes decades, with a man who has clearly made them #2. Yeah, they made that initial choice, but if dude doesn’t decide to step up…welp!

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

          True, Todd, but, no one can force anyone to make a commitment, man or woman. So, the only real choice anyone has is to chose or not to chose to begin the relationship.

          • Todd

            You’re right…but what’s true and what people actually believe have a tangential relationship to each other. I’ve seen so many women hold on to the dream (and so many men exploit said holding on) that more than a few people need to understand that concept is separate and distinct to the beginnings of any relationship.

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

              ~ I’ve seen so many women hold on to the dream (and so many men exploit said holding on)

              who is really exploiting who? when i held on to the dream i was exploiting myself. all my friends wanted to blame the dude. i wanted to believe them too. but in my heart i knew i was the only one who had power over my choices, which is what made it all the more eew. i was shirking my responsibility to myself by making myself a victim and blaming a guy for my choices. i now know no one can take anything from me that i did not give freely unto them.

  • Todd

    I have a question about the kittens up there. Which one is the Moschino Ho and the Versace Hotchie and which one is deeper than a girl 6 feet? It’s questions like this that keep me up. Well that, and how will I get out of this crummy marriage, but that’s another story.

    I never got the hopping from one relationship to another movement. If I’m breaking up with someone, obviously something went wrong. It would be incumbent on me to fall back, take some time to figure out what went wrong and chill. On the flip side, I can see how it’s easy, at least for men, to get on their serial monogamy swag. Unless you straight up tell a woman you aren’t down for a relationship after you leave one, they will pounce like tigers on that D. What was that Big Daddy Kane line? Girlies on my D like a human shiskebob?! That phenomenon is real. The one time I didn’t have that happen was when I lived like a hermit in the first semester of grad school right after a breakup.

    In my experience, the women who pounce on a dude post-breakup wanted to be with dude even while he was booed up, but didn’t want to be The Homewrecker ™, so they wait until dude gives them the slightest opening. Still, it’s incumbent on the dude that he doesn’t want to roll like that. Of course, I do admit to playing the casual game. Heck, it’s an ego boost and, ahem, cleans pipes. #seewhatIdidthere Still, if you’re hurting, it’s incumbent on you to chill out. Make friends. Have some fun. You’ll know when you’re recovered and can get back in the dating game.

    • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

      ~ What was that Big Daddy Kane line? Girlies on my D like a human shiskebob?! That phenomenon is real.

      (smile) you just reminded me of the time when my grandfather, newly single, moved into an assisted living facility. i went down to visit and he told me how the women were throwing themselves at him. granted, there werent many men and amongst the octogenarian set, he was quite a catch with his lucid mind and organs functioning.

      but what stayed with me is how he said he could not deal with one woman, they wanted too much, so he spread himself around until a silver foxette caught him in her net and, in doing so, she did him a world of good. what’s more, i even remember seeing her at the ladies’ table, all of them oohing and ahhing when he came into the room, but she played it cool and waited til he was good and ready, then she made her move… and she kept him straight til death did they part. RIP to them both ~*~

      • http://www.saysmeblog.wordpress.com/ Aly

        This story is awesome, especially this: “…he was quite a catch with his lucid mind and organs functioning.” Ha! Too funny.

      • 321mena123

        I just let out an awwwww. :-)

      • panamajackson

        awwwwwwwwww…

      • Kema

        Awww!