So I came across this article on CNN.com and I’ll be damned if it ain’t perfect for our little corner of the Internet. Now, most of you have gone out on dates before. Some of you have not; it’s okay, you still have time. You’ll probably grow out of your face at some point.
Them’s jokes. VSB.com only attractes the highest caliber of mirrorability. So. I maintain, most of us have gone out on first dates. Well, according to CNN.com, here are 6 things that you shouldn’t do on a first date (it doesn’t mention pulling out your schlong and attempting to place it on her forehead, but if you read between the lines…it’s there).
1. Introduce unfamiliar grooming regimens into your routine. Never had a Brazilian wax? Today’s not the day to try it. Ditto to shelling out for that new, expensive, zit-zapping, wrinkle-eradicating, sun-damage-reversing miracle cleanser you read about in Allure. Sure, both of these things might work out well, but there’s also the possibility you’ll be left with festering scabs, ingrown hairs, or worse.
If you’re prone to festering scabs AND giving it up on the first night, then I’m with CNN.com. Just…ewww.
3. Get liquored up first. I know you’re tense, but guzzling three martinis before you meet him is not a good idea. You probably haven’t eaten all day and the combination of stress, hunger and booze is not a good one. Because I’m not completely heartless, you can have up to one glass of wine. But no more. Promise me — no more!
Do, however, get liquored up AFTERwards. What better way to break the ice than with liquor induced conversation. Plus it gives you a better excuse when you give it up on the first night….assuming of course you can’t find your panties and you decide to just let him touch your booty! Score.
4. Not eat if you’re on a dinner date. Women always think they look dainty picking at a small green salad with just a lemon wedge while their date plows through the surf & turf. Wrong. They just look sad, hungry and possibly eating disordered. Even if you’re spazzing on the inside, skip the bunny food and order a normal human-sized meal.
This is important. If you’re not going to eat, then we’re not going to a restaurant. Point blank. Period. We can just skip the theatrics and go straight for the funnin’. If you’re not going to eat like a rabbit (salad), then I suppose you may as well just f*ck like one.
6. Play make-believe. When you drop lies designed to impress — like claiming to be a Foucault scholar or are actually Johnny Cash’s second cousin — it’s pretty much a given that you’re going to get busted. Either your date will turn out to be some kind of philosophically minded smarty-pants and want to debate you, or he’ll be Johnny Cash’s third cousin, wondering why you weren’t at the last family reunion.
Eh, if you’re just trying to procure panties, just lie. It’s more effective. She probably wouldn’t date you if she knew the real you. Think, 40-Year-Old Virgin.
I let CNN.com do the dirty work today, but what are some other do’s and don’ts for going on a first date? And yes, everybody knows one should “be themself” so keep that one.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK
1) The Champ and I will be featured on a Battle of the Sexes feature on Juice Radio Thursday swith Miz D and Real Talk Now at 730pm this evening. You can check out the show here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/juiceradio
Check it out as men and women discuss their gripes with one another. The Champ and I do this stupendously since women are all crazy.
2) The DC VSB Happy Hour will be taking place next Wednesday, November 12 starting at 6pm at Mahogany Restaurant and Lounge @ Bohemian Caverns, 11th and U Street, NW, Washington, DC. I’ll send more information out to everybody via evite with the emails that were sent to me. But mark your calenders. Next Wednesday. 6-10pm. I’ll try to come up with some drink specials too…