10 Life Lessons I’ve Learned From Watching Black Movies
(A blast from the past I felt compelled to update and edit after watching Devil in a Blue Dress again last weekend)
1. Light-skinned business women with long hair are shrewish (ie: Melissa De Sousa in The Best Man), gold-digging (ie: Michael Michele in New Jack City and Veronica Webb in In Too Deep), conniving (ie: Nicole Ari Parker in Brown Sugar), and just plain freaking wack (ie: Anne-Marie Johnson in Strictly Business). But, if they happen to be slight and British-Zimbabwean—or at least look like they could be possibly be British-Zimbabwean—they’re basically the perfect woman
In keeping with the color struck typecasting, dark-skinned Black men with bald heads or ridiculous hair cuts are usually sociopathic sadists, blondes are either ridiculously stupid or the spawn of Satan, light-skinned black women with short dos are usually sweethearts, and men who look like Michael Beach are the bane of Black civilization.
2. If you’re a Black woman and you invite a cousin into your house, she will fuck your man.
3. All Black people belong to African Methodist Episcopal or Southern Baptist Churches.
Unless, of course, it’s a community-minded Black man. In this case, he’s definitely Muslim, and refusing to eat a junior bacon cheeseburger will be seen as a sign of righteousness.
4. Every Black person in America takes exquisite care of their hair. Each end will always be perfectly tight, each Caesar and accompanying beard will be perfectly lined up, and each lacefront will be perfectly sown in.
And, if you happen to meet a Black person who doesn’t take exquisite care of their hair, they’re either an addict, a recovering addict, or from, like, Europe or something.
5. Whenever a Black man wearing a tank top tucked into his dress pants wants to talk to you, he’s about to say some profoundly important ass shit.
Sit down, because it’s about to get heavy.
Bonds will be broken, limbs will be shattered, brothers will be backstabbed, blood will be shed, and lives will be lost. No one, not even 5 year old gangbangers and 35 year old homeless men, can escape the relentless and murderous deadliness and destruction associated with these dangerous events.
7. All White people are completely and hilariously rhythmless, awkward, and unathletic.
Unless, of course, there’s money on the line, or they’ve been hired to teach dance classes.
8. You’re definitely in the most poverty and crime-stricken part of the hood if you happen to see a woman who wears nothing but doo-rags and nightgowns all day long. Get ready to shake your head in disgust and shed some tears.
Also, the amount of Newports she smokes per day are directly proportional to the number of times that day she’s abused her child. (My suggestion? Hide a Newport, save a life.)
9. Every Black kid who has ever existed loves (loves!) to play the dozens.
There will be no kids who hate playing because they get too sensitive and want to fight when someone talks about they momma. No kids who hate playing because they can’t think of good jokes and comebacks until two weeks later. And no kids who accidentally shut everything down by saying stuff that’s just a bit too personal.
10. If ever in need of a Thanksgiving turkey, just find the nearest drug dealer and he’ll happily oblige.
They shouldn’t be too hard to find. Just walk through any inner-city neighborhood in November and you’ll find a drug kingpen and all of his chain and sweat-suit rocking henchman in an assembly-line handing out 20 pound turkeys and full chickens from a UHaul truck.
Also, if you stay around a little longer, you’ll probably witness him having a conversation with his younger brother — a Benz driving plainclothes policeman who will probably have to arrest or murder him within the next six months.