how lebron reminds us that dudes have “daddy issues” too

of the thousands of blogs, stories, and exposes written in the past two weeks about lebron james and “the decision“, the single most telling and revealing thing i read wasn’t this extensive adrian wojnarowski piece chronicling the years of behind-the-scenes moves leading up to july 8th, this 5,000 column from bill simmons the day before the decision special aired, or even these quotes from michael jordan about how lebron, dwade and their ilk are merely products of their time.

***btw, it’s funny how we chide and criticize basketball stars (ie: kobe) for relentlessly chasing after the jordan “psycho assassin” model of greatness, but then we turn around and chide and criticize a basketball star who completely eschews the jordan narrative/model to make his own, just because it doesn’t fit our pre-conceived expectations of how things are supposed to play out. klosterman was right: everybody truly is wrong about everything, all of the time***

no, everything you needed to know about the dynamics behind this circus could be found july 7th at tmz.com under “lebron sued by man claiming to be his father”

TMZ has learned … LeBron James and his mother Gloria James are being sued for millions by a man who claims he tried to prove he’s the NBA star’s biological father — but LeBron and his mom tampered with the evidence in a diabolical cover-up.

The lawsuit is explosive — in it, 55-year-old Leicester Bryce Stovell claims he met Gloria in a D.C. area bar in 1984 … and had unprotected sex with her on the night they met. He later found out she was 15-years-old at the time … he was 29.

According to the docs — filed recently in federal court — Gloria has spent the rest of her life shielding LeBron from the truth.

But the man making the claim isn’t some schmuck — dude is a Princeton graduate … who earned a law degree from the University of Chicago … and then became a Senior Legal Advisor for the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.

In his suit, Stovell claims he has a very clear recollection of the night he had “consensual sexual relations” with Gloria — in fact, he even remembers apologizing for his sub-par performance.

Leicester claims Gloria went back to her hometown in Ohio after they hooked up — but returned several months later to inform him she was pregnant with a boy named LeBron … but she never specifically identified the father

after you’ve gotten past the utter ridiculousness of a successful 50-something lawyer a) suing his neglected son because the son chose to ignore him (which is like a mugger suing you because you happened to be broke at the time he decided to mug you),  b) publicly admitting that he had sex with a 15 year old girl when he was 29, and c) publicly admitting that he wasn’t able to sexually satisfy a 15 year old girl, another theme starts to emerge:

lebron james must have some serious daddy issues.

i mean, i’ve read stories before about his mom’s (continued) indiscretions and the fact that he was basically homeless until he was a teenager, but exactly how f*cked up his home life and head must have been didn’t really dawn on me until this report. not only is this man unsure about who his real dad is, but out of the two most probable candidates, one is dead and the other is the type of guy that would sue his neglected son for 4 million dollars.

after reading this, everything about lebron’s recent actions started to make more sense. the almost pathological thirst for attention and praise. the air of fabricated unaffectedness he tries his damnedest to pull off when speaking about “what’s good for lebron“. his too-familiar tone and general lack of reverence when speaking to or about coaches and other elder authority figures. his need to be perpetually surrounded by friends, and the amount of life-altering influence these friends are able to wield.

it’s almost like someone created a “things men do when they’ve never had a dad” template and forced him to follow it.

now, i’m not writing this to give lebron a pass for his occasional bouts of diva behavior. i’m not saying that everything he does traces back to the lack of a fatherly figure in his life, and i’m not even saying that men who grew up without fathers will have similar characteristics. but, it’s interesting how much attention we give to female daddy issues and how they eventually manifest themselves in a relationship, when male daddy issues make the exact same monster.

just how (many) women affected by fatherlessness chase unavailable men to subconsciously replicate their fathers (lack of) affection, (many) fatherlessness men give themselves a layer of faux emotional unavailability to subconsciously replicate their fathers themselves. just how (many) of these women give off an aura of neediness and desperation, a permeating desire to be paid attention to by the opposite sex that goes past a normal emotional want, (many) of these men do the same, living a life where life is only worth living if you’re getting perpetual attention and recognition. just how (many) of these women chase relationship waterfalls because they have absolutely no idea what a “good” man is supposed to look like, (many) of these men are completely clueless about how a good man is supposed to act.

this (relative) lack of discussion about the affect of fatherlessness from a male relationship perspective isn’t surprising. unless it has something to do with crime, black men/males are usually neglected in the whole “how are things affecting you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally?” conversation. i guess people assume that if we’ve made it to 22 without getting murdered or murdering anybody yet, we’re cool. we’re not¹.

you know, one of my favorite snarky comments to make whenever i read about or witness a woman acting a damn fool in public is “i doubt she’s ever celebrated father’s day“. i probably should start saying that about men as well, but it doesn’t seem like it would be as funny.

¹my dad has always been around, so “we” in this instance is more of a general we.

—the champ

  • http://twitter.com/therealnaima TheTalentedMs.Fiasco

    Who’s your daddy?

    • http://www.underthemush.com I’ll give it a try

      lol…hold up. i feel like this is election night 2000…

      • http://twitter.com/therealnaima TheTalentedMs.Fiasco

        Damn you VSB moderation. I swear I was first, but then thought it was some crazy mess with my laptop. I feel sad now…*sniffles*

        On the topic though, I think with a lack of a father figure in the house, it is the job of the mother to allow someone to be sort of that father figure. I live 10,000+ miles away from my dad (who I love, but that is besides the point), but my grandfather raised me like a dad. I think in a non-typical household, its important for the child to live as normal of a life as possible.

        • Caballeroso

          “I think in a non-typical household, it’s important for the child to live as normal of a life as possible.”

          It’s seems like a household with a father figure has become the non-typical household in our communities whereas a “normal” life means growing up without a father figure…depending on who you ask. I agree with you on the importance of a POSITIVE male role model.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            It’s seems like a household with a father figure has become the non-typical household in our communities whereas a “normal” life means growing up without a father figure

            thats a good point. have we reached the point where people from well-adjusted backgrounds can be considered abnormal?

            • Miss Patterson

              have we reached the point where people from well-adjusted backgrounds can be considered abnormal?

              Yes. And you’re first on my list.

            • Deeds

              thats a good point. have we reached the point where people from well-adjusted backgrounds can be considered abnormal?

              It does seem like that. I grew up with both parents in the house and among my core group of friends that I hang with I am def. the odd one out.

        • Sixfootdiva

          Yes while you are trying to find a father figure for the children when a grandfather is not available you also have to be cautious of those men who what to be a father figure to your son/daughter but their main goal is to get at you the mother. so sometimes it’s best to wade thru the riff raff and in the mean time do your best to raise your son/daughter the best you can. Even if that means shielding them from their biological father while searching for a father figure to replace him.

          *love vsb thank you that’s all*

          • Mr SoBo

            @Sixfootdiva “Even if that means shielding them from their biological father while searching for a father figure to replace him. “

            Can you explain this?

            • Sula

              Yes, I need more info as well.

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

        lmfao @ this whole fiasco.

        (seewhatididthere!!)

    • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm keisha brown

      1st name queens. last name bridge. ; )

    • legitimate_soul

      @TheTalentedMs.Fiasco
      You are victorious! *cues victory music, throws confetti* Congrats~! Speech, speech!

      • http://twitter.com/therealnaima TheTalentedMs.Fiasco

        *tears up*

        QUEENBRIDGE!!! I’d like to thank It’s Muffin aka UrRea1ityCheck for keeping up so late with her crazy storries. The East African Divas – DC Chapter, for all y’all support. *tears*

        My album, Homie 4 Life vol. 2, – The Coonery Never Dies with DJ Drama, drops August 14! Please cop it!

        Thanks Y’all. I don’t feel like a newbie no more…*cries*

        • bajanflchick

          You Got This…..Congrats :-)

        • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

          DEAD @ the coonery never dies.

        • NicoleN

          DEAD

  • http://www.underthemush.com I’ll give it a try

    Upset maybe?

    • http://twitter.com/therealnaima TheTalentedMs.Fiasco

      I’m just gonna stop trying. lmao

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

        You spoke too soon.

  • AliLaine4

    Womp Womp.

  • YAYER

    gosh darnit!

  • http://capriciousdevotee.blogspot.com/ TheCapriciousD

    One (kind of) word: EX

    **Shutter/SMH** Haven’t decided yet.

    Damn you…you did it again.

  • BetaMale

    *Formerly known as Sandpaper. I changed my name to “Give the people what they want.” O’Jays*

    Considering his upbringing, I think Lebron is doing extremely well. If he wins a couple of rings and breaks a lot of records as he should, he will be rightly considered one of the top 3 players of all time.

    Also, If a guy is fatherless, he needs to have good father figures. That responsibility falls on his mother or whoever is his guardian. Someone helped him along the way and it doesn’t appear that they did too bad.

    • http://www.nicknotnikki.blogspot.com Nickerz

      you’re still “it’s 2010 d*mmit” to me
      No Bullsh*t..

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

        I know…what’s with the name changes? Puffy.

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          cause he got roasted yesterday. *sips latte* and i’m not apologizing neither

          I like the new user name though. carry on.

          • BetaMale

            Roasted? Bwahahahaha

            Its been proven on this site that women only hear what they want to hear. If I were you, I might try removing the emotion and looking over my comments again. I don’t feel offended, disappointed in the pettiness, but not offended. What would you be apologizing for?

            70% and rising

            • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

              “Its been proven on this site that women only hear what they want to hear”
              “I will be a submissive male voice on here like most of the men who add their two cents”

              and….there’s the sandpaper we know and (dont) love.
              way to insult pretty much everyone. *insert thumbs up.
              i dont know what vss’ haven’t appreciated the male word (even if it’s not what we want to hear) and i dont know is Mr SoBo, CBG, Humble_One, Caballeroso would be considred submissive. But what do I know? Im just a woman.

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              *sips latte and snickers* there he goes lol………………….

              you really should travel outside of your world every now and then. The view is great from over here.

            • BetaMale

              And you two^^ still don’t get it.

            • bajanflchick

              Add me to the list of those that ” still don’t get it”, please & thank you . I like the view over here too *standin shoulder to shoulder with SFG & keisha brown at this point….o-O …..

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              hence you changing your name and avi. you remind me of companies that try to change their name after bad press but it’s the same shiddy product.
              i aint even made atchya. tupac

            • BetaMale

              Yep. the same shiddy product that you always agreed with.

              70% and rising

            • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

              WTF, how did I miss all’dis? Oh, because I was working. There’s the mistake right there…

            • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

              “And you two^^ still don’t get it”

              what exactly am i not getting. i copied directly YOUR words. maybe you need the edit/delete button back.
              je suis fatigue avec cette conversation. label me a hater if you like. i already know what that word means.

              one of my flaws is getting into a written battle (cuz this aint no war) with people and feeling the need to have the last word. i know i wont get that with you so im movin on. mya.

              in an environment where words speak louder than actions, both of ours speak volumes about who we are. i’m fine with what mine say about me.

              and that’s all i gotta say about that. forrest.

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              @Cheekie
              You see what you did! This place is crazy without you.

              @Keisha
              That was poetic effin greatness I tell ya.

              I’m seriously not mad. I’m just laughing. It’s almost too easy to read people because they give themselves away. I have no hard feelings towards 2010, Sandpaper, Betamale or whatever you may call yourself tomorrow. Like I said yesterday, work on your tact. For someone who “didn’t get it”, you sure went through lengths to change up your whole m.o. on here. This isn’t dirty dozens. Fix your attitude.

        • BetaMale

          You understood the intent. You are in the minority though. I think that my previous method of instruction leads to more information retention. If someone hit me over the head daily with info on a subject (understanding men) that I desire to master, I think I would pay more attention. It works for the military.

          The debates I was involved in became more about a tree than the forest so In the interest of not causing more strife, I will be a submissive male voice on here like most of the men who add their two cents.

          70% and rising

          • Betamale

            ^^@Cheekie^^

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

            “You understood the intent. You are in the minority though.”

            I did? I am? WHERE AM I? WHO’S TALKING?

            Seriously, I don’t even recall what went down yesterday…was busy at the plantation sharecropping and ish and didn’t get to read all the comments… *shrug*

            • BetaMale

              I’m not talking about what happened yesterday, I’m talking about the whole Sandpaper, Its2010dammit thing. You never got offended.

            • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

              I did? I am? WHERE AM I? WHO’S TALKING?

              what makes your unstoppableness so unstoppable? is the answer to this question in another question? who’s asking these questions? nobody knows…

              BRUAHAHAHAHA. I love those MVP Nike Puppet commercials. wonder how they will go now that he’s switched teams.

            • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

              @BetaMale,

              Ahh, gotcha. Right.

          • http://www.twitter.com/courtney_mcg Courtney (VSB)

            “I will be a submissive male voice on here like most of the men who add their two cents.”

            Out of curiosity, do you mind explaining the the statement above?

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              *sigh* Courtney he will take you on a wild ride full of sarcasm. Take his apparent diss as a compliment. He has to in order to feel “great”. *sigh* Isn’t the topic today somewhat related? irony

            • BetaMale

              @Courtney,

              The intent was to get a veteran male to respond. Most of the men here have been here a while and understood what I was doing. That’s why they never responded to my saltier comments.

              It was basically a check to see who is or isn’t paying attention.

      • BetaMale

        Hey Nickerz. Nice Avatar

        • http://www.nicknotnikki.blogspot.com Nickerz

          @Beta.. thank you.. (seemed i stuck my head in a wasp’s nest..)
          Lord have mercy!!
          what was I doin yesterday!!
          oh.. watching INCEPTION!!!! i’m not sad i missed this..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Someone helped him along the way and it doesn’t appear that they did too bad.

      no one is denying that he’s turned out successful, but is it because of the “help” he received or because he just happened to be born with once in a generation athletic gifts?

      • BetaMale

        I think he’s doing well in spite of his talent. If I had his talent and all of his baggage I would be the world’s biggest a$$hole. His outward appearance seems to be well adjusted.

    • Mo (VSS)

      His mother isn’t the type of sub-human person they make her out to be. She saw his talent, realized her brokeness, and did what she had to do in order to make sure that they could eat off his God-given talent. A lot of folks give her flak for that, but she did what she had to do to position him to be where he is now.

      On the other hand, this man claiming to be ‘Bron father is the worst type of dude alive. Pedophile, dead-beat, stupid and blind as to WHY he’s stupid. I respect LeBron and as a father, he seems to be breaking the cycle. I hope he continues to do so.

      *Still hate “the decision” because I’m from the Cleveland area and he didn’t have to break up with us on national tv like that…(quitely shrugs off to cry in the corner….)

    • BetaMale

      Well damn.

      Those that frequent this site and pay attention know that everything I say of a personal nature is FICTIONAL. I stated that from the very beginning. Liz got offended by some of my comments and I explained it to her. I was told that that was dishonest. I replied “so be it”. I hope that you few who missed it can pick it up this time. To keep from embarrassing you any further, I will be more straightforward.

      For the 78th time, this is entertainment for me. I do try to shed some light on the male psyche for the VSS’s. I also try to have as much fun with it as possible by playing mental games. We see who falls for it every time.

      Feel that breeze? That’s me mentally lapping you. Again

      70% and rising

      • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

        “I do try to shed some light on the male psyche for the VSS’s. I also try to have as much fun with it as possible by playing mental games”

        I’d like to present this as evidence of why too many women get caught in foolishness with dudes. because of men who like to play mental games thinking they are dishing out valuable knowledge. when men say: we’re logical simple beings and instead of trying to decipher and extract, just watch and listen to what we say and do, but then a member of your species comes out with this.. whatever. for every VSB, there are some B’s that aren’t so S.

        frankly this whole comment reeks of inception. where’s my todem?

        um.. as for you mentally lapping people..pull up, rewind and come again. i dun usain bolted to di world from time my yout.

        and just for the record, whatever conversation you had with liz is invalid and moot for a) people that weren’t around for this conversation b) people that follow conversations that dont pertain to the thread. Liz is smarter than i for avoiding being pulled into a cycle of bullhst. Frankly im disappointed in myself for even acknowledging it. Alas..im a sucker for trying to rebuke ignorance based on arrogance.

        to bring it all back to this vsb post: men learn how to be men from other men. i sure as hell hope that you dont ever have any sons. we need to break the cycle of games that get played, not perpetuate them.

        you continue to do you, “entertain”/”decieve”/”mentally lap”/”embrass” as you were.

        see those lips —->? they are officially done with you.

        good day sir.

        • BetaMale

          “i sure as hell hope that you dont ever have any sons. we need to break the cycle of games that get played, not perpetuate them”

          Because I write fictional tales on a website I’d somehow be a bad father if I had sons? Hip me to this new logic.

          70% and rising

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        O_O Crazy alert. Keisha don’t engage just back away. Maybe if we ignore him he’ll just go away. He’s here to play games and lie and we just don’t get it. Silly us.

        • BetaMale

          Okay SFG,

          I played games and lied about the personal stuff. Sandpaper and its2010dammit were fictional characters. Consistent fictional characters at that. The information about how men think was on point though. I never faked that and you yourself agreed with all of it.

          Information regarding how some women think was gleaned from your responses to those characters. Call it counter-intel and I hope the younger VSB’s were paying attention.

          I enjoy some of your posts but please feel free to ignore me in the future if you like. I think our banter will be missed. For entertainment purposes and maybe even educational purposes.

          Good Day

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            I know you will miss me. I’m probably the only sane thing in your crazy web world. Now off to crazy land. ——->

            …and if you see me in the halls, don’t say hi.

            • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

              ^^^^^ THIS! bruhaahahahahaha.
              Im sooo stealing for future reference SFG.

    • Yeah…So

      @Beta too funny… you Scorpios are SO DRAMATIC! hahahaha -smh

      • BetaMale

        After reading what I just posted, you actually think I’m a Scorpio?

        • Yeah…So

          Absolutely!- smh… and why the heyll is all this confusion delighting you so much? you so bored… bwoy go do something LOL!

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        btw Yeah So shout out to you for your last comment yesterday. Kudos. Hope you weren’t too late ;)

        • Yeah…So

          LOL… aww thanks! Naw, they requested me so you know *popping collar*… lol (I had already called ahead anyway)

    • Sula

      Considering his upbringing, I think Lebron is doing extremely well.

      I would say. Looking at both Lebron and Kobe’s histories, and not knowing anything else about them, I would have assumed Kobe was the one coming from a less than ideal background… Well, that’s until Lebron turned 25 and the quarter life crisis set in… But all in all, given the infor we can gather from those articles, the kid has been battling a lot of hardships…

      (ok, so I kinda like the kid… He seems genuinely lost at times. Color me biased.)

  • YAYER

    yeah this whole daddy issue is crucial, i’m guessing it’s part of the reason why he won’t marry his babymomma? daddy was never there to show him family matters???
    i think it’s the African in me that wants to bazooka them before a priest and have them saying some nuptials, it disturbs me how men are ok with being in relationships for tons of years and making babiezzzzaaa (emphasis on plural) but will not marry the mother of his kids!!! sorry but i am old-fashioned. i can understand if a couple has 1 baby and it don’t work out but MULTIPLES?!?! c’mon people…

    but i also think that somehow, sometimes fathers don’t feel as appreciated as moms,so they kinda feel like they’re not really needed, so they can just bounce whenever they feel like…sadly…

    i can only remember a few songs that were sung as an appreciation to fathers as opposed to the tons of songs sung for mummys…
    idk, it’s late…

    • Deeds

      i can only remember a few songs that were sung as an appreciation to fathers as opposed to the tons of songs sung for mummys…

      This reminds me of that Chris Rock joke where he says that the only song sung for father’s was “Papa was a Rolling Stone”

      • miss t-lee

        There’s a great ol’ school song called “Color Him Father” by the Winstons. I tend to hear it around Father’s Day, the lyrics are on point. :-) Youtube it.

        • bajanflchick

          “think i’m gonna color him love”- LOVE that song, thanks now it will be stuck in my head all day

        • legitimate_soul

          Chrisette Michele has one on her first album that would touch me and make me cry. I thought it was a beautiful song to fathers.

          • Mr SoBo

            Chrisette Michele – “Your Joy” from her first album.

            It is a very beautiful song indeed. Lyrically and musically.

            • http://www.nicknotnikki.blogspot.com Nickerz

              “your joy” makes me think of my wedding.. (yeah, i’m like that every now and then..)

            • Mr SoBo

              @Nickerz
              Screw tradition, and have it play as you slowly make your way down the isle.

            • legitimate_soul

              It does make me teary eyed because the actual lyrics reminds me of my father and I. I imagine dancing with my Dad to that song at my wedding. I doubt I would be able to keep a dry eye. Even playing that song in the car I get misty most times. “Dance with my Father” by Luffa Luther Vandross makes me misty too, but it actually reminds me of my Mom, RIP. Not the direct lyrics of that song does, but the timing and the sentiment of it does. *Sigh* The softer side of legitimate_soul…lol!

            • Mr SoBo

              Its definitely a song for daughters, so as a man, those lyrics dont really relate to me per say. However, I do love everything about the song and find myself getting lost in the music and arrangement. It does move me and invoke warm feelings.

    • dudette

      I think if more fathers would stay around, then they’d be more appreciated in general. It’s tough to appreciate someone who is either only there part time (and puts in little effort to be there more) or who isn’t there at all.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @dudette – while that’s very true (in a general sense), it shouldn’t translate into individual circumstances where many of us have witnessed mothers who actually do view the fathers as not being as important to a child’s life and upbringing as a mother. i’ve seen that with my own two eyes. i’ve heard a woman say to another dude, “you’ll always be the kids father. but the kid needs her mother.”

        • dudette

          That’s pretty sad. A child always needs their father. No parent is more important than the other. I think maybe women say that because they’ve grown up without dads most of the time and they think they’ve turned out alright but they haven’t.

    • Caballeroso

      At the risk of being stoned by VSS’s, if two people are happily single together, and are collectively making provisions for their child(ren), if they aren’t married, so what? Are we really advocating that people should get married just for the sake of tradition, or religion, or stopping people from asking “when you gon’ get married?”?

      I have nothing against marriage, but I have a STRONG problem with folks getting married just because of societal expectations. Besides, with wills, powers of attorney, and other legal agreements, what does marriage offer that you can’t have without marriage…a label? What percentage of people are truly together ’til death do them apart? Marriage really seems to have become an antiquated habit who’s time has passed, but nobody got the memo.

      No longer as a society are we conditioned to “ride-it-out” or “stay in it for the long haul”, or see things through to the end. We have become more convenience focused. Everything we do is focused on convenience…why do parenting when you can just stick your kid in front of an animated show, why go to Blockbuster when cable has movies On-Demand, why cook when you can just go grab a quick bite? Why get married and go through divorce when, if unmarried, you can just walk away if it doesn’t work?

      I’m not suggesting that people stop getting married, I’m suggesting that we stop condemning those who choose not to.

      • Dee

        Because why are you going to go through so many complex legal arrangements when most of those benefits would be covered by getting married? That is, if you have kids…if not, do what you want? Why *should* it be easy to walk away and leave your child in the lurch?

        • Caballeroso

          The point that may have been lost in my diatribe regarded Yayer’s statement: “it disturbs me how men are ok with being in relationships for tons of years and making babiezzzzaaa (emphasis on plural) but will not marry the mother of his kids!” Since there is no indication per her statement that the child is being left in the lurch, what’s the problem?

      • http://www.mysixcents.wordpress.com K. LySha

        @Callaberoso I’m not condemning those who choose not to get married. But as a general rule I don’t think it’s the greatest idea to go around making babies with people who you’re not willing to marry. Marriage may not be for everyone…especially these days…but I think there’s a lot of evidence that children have a slightly better shot at coming out somewhat well adjusted when they’re raised in happy functional households where both mom and dad are present.

        Now for the case where the baby is already here and the mom and dad realized it’s not good for anyone for them to be in the same household then getting married for tradition or religion may not be the greatest idea either.

      • http://thatswhatgemsaid.blogspot.com Gem of the Ocean

        @Caballeroso
        i understand your logic and to a great degree i agree with this notion of ppl not feeling forced to get married just because it seems like the thing to do.

        BUT. as @thepbg was saying on twitter yesterday (and blogtv) that its too easy for men to just walk away and leave women high and dry without any legal rampifications. and often times men lead women on to believing that they will marry them, as soon as “the time is right”. FOH. a woman can give her all to her man–living with him, having his babies, taking care of their family and home, and end up with NOTHING if he decides to up and leave. and if kids are involved, she got kids to raise on her own if he decides he doesnt wanna step up as a primary caretaker. and if he aint tryna pay either?? she gotta take his ass to court and go through a bunch of nonsense to make sure she has what she needs to take care of the child. a woman leaving her man doesnt have nearly the kind of difficult ramifications as a man leaving does.

        so yeah, its sounds all nice and good to say ppl should get married for the right reasons and only if theyre sure they wanna be together forever (which often times is unlikely), but at the same time ppl should also be f*cking for the right reasons. ppl lay up in these long term relationships and have kids more as a consequence of having sex instead of really wanting/planning to build a family. and a child shouldnt have to be caught up in the drama and crossfire of broken promises and fickle human beings who are cynical about marriage to begin with. because at the end of the day, if you dont want to be tied down to anyone forever, DONT have kids. period.

        • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

          @Gem (truly outrageous!)
          “but at the same time ppl should also be f*cking for the right reasons”

          A-to-tha-MUTHAEFFIN-MEN!!!!!
          that is all.

          • Caballeroso

            What reasons are those…procreation? recreation? oxytocin?

            • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

              LOL @ oxycotin.
              Well.. i can only speak on how i interpreted it.
              If you dont want to deal with the consequences of what may happen with unprotected sex (babies, sti’s)..dont have it.

        • Caballeroso

          Gem, I’m pleased to see that we agree where it comes to kids. A man who does not care for his kids financially or otherwise is not worthy of being called a man. I have no opposition to a man being legally bound to taking care of his kids. Child Support.

          Where we differ, however, is when you say “a woman can give her all to her man–living with him, having his babies, taking care of their family and home, and end up with NOTHING if he decides to up and leave.”

          In your scenario, the man who left the woman gave his all to her, lived with her, supported her in having his babies, and took care of their home and family as well- the same things that she did; it’s mutual. If he did not do these things in return, and she CHOSE to remain with him inspite of it, that’s her fault.

          Yes, he should take care of the kids, no doubt, but otherwise, what is it that she is supposed to end up with? She got what he got or what she CHOSE to accept. In the rare case where she gave up pursuing a career (rare because nowadays usually everybody works) to take care of a home, then yeah, by all means, be married. Otherwise, if it ain’t working, part ways, and be happier with the next. You owe the kid(s) much, but owe each other nothing.

          • http://thatswhatgemsaid.blogspot.com Gem of the Ocean

            what usually ends up happening, as can be seen with public figures (i.e. athletes) and even ppl who go on these court shows, is that women often time are sold a dream of marriage and end up being left without a place to live and rearing their children on their own when the men are ready to move on. i think marriage makes you think twice about what to do next when things get hard instead of just up and leaving, because now there is a price to pay when entering into this contract. but without marriage? you can come and go as you please, and its usually the children (that are almost ALWAYS produced as a result of these relationships and cohabitation setups) that suffer.

            im not saying stau just to stay for the kids sake. im saying if you are really concerned about your family, you would be more likely to stay and work things out in a positive way then to just up and leave when you get tired. this goes for men and women, but esp men.

        • http://twitter.com/thepopculturist thepopculturist (aka BKSweetheart)

          @Gem – AMEN sister!!!!!

      • j.ivy

        Marriage is a choice. As are children, theoretically. I do believe there is an immeasurable difference in the emotional, and overall, development in a child raised in a home with two loving parents vs not. The “nots” are not condemned to consistent underachievement or despair, however, there is a certain…je ne sais quoi, sense of security, self-esteem, entitlement present in children from stable two parent homes, that is often void in the nots. As a parent, I think two mature adults can recognize, despite the current societal views, the children can be a big enough reason, and at times the only reason, to get/stay married. This doesn’t mean you stay in a miserbale marriage “for the kids”, it means you make the marriage work, together, for the kids. Marriage fails because it can. Because there is a choice. being sensible about who you choose to be with can make it easier, but no matter how well you go together, at times, it will be “work”. You can make it work, with just about anyone, if you choose two, which is why other cultures can have successful arranged marriages and the like. we are just selfish, as a culture(Americans). If giving your child a better chance at an overall healthy deveolpment isn’t reason enough to work to maintain a healthy/ happy marriage, what is?

      • http://www.nicknotnikki.blogspot.com Nickerz

        at the risk of “whatever”..

        i’m tired of hearing “we stayed together for the children..” if two people are unhappy in a marriage, then it’s silly of them to think that children don’t notice that and aren’t affected by it.. staying for the sake of the children does nothing for the children but state that they grew up with two parents.. doesn’t mean the children were happy..
        no one accounts that half the nights the children could hear the yelling through the walls..

        • j.ivy

          agreed. growing up in an unstable environment with parents who can’t stand eachother is not healthy. However, on the basis that we are talking about two sensible mature adults, it shouldn’t be that environment. People are selfish, and that is the cause of a great deal of problems in marriage. It’s not always that you married the wrong person, as much as it is, you(both) weren’t willing to put in the necessary effort to make it a happier environment. We are all constantly growing/changing. it is impossible to stay happy with one person forever(15+ years) without accepting that it will require sacrifice and compromise. if you(both) can look at marriage for what it is is, a decision to be committed to one another come hell or high water, you can make it work. An environment of two parents working to create that environment is beneficial to children in a way nothing else can be. I think it would be useful to take a close look at what people THINK are reasons to get/stay married. pretty certain that the results would show that most are pretty disillusioned about what they are hoping for. Ish happens in life. Marriage is not supposed to be dating with legal rights. It’s a commitment. IMHO, they should install semi-permanent bc in all people until they are married for at least 2 years to curtail the occurence of people having children with people they wouldn’t consider marrying.

          This isn’t a judgmental rant, as I am a single parent, who wouldn’t marry my ex. I’ve gained some wisdom at this point, and this is my perspective. Think if having children with someone made you married legally, and there was no such thing as divorce, perhaps more people would work to make it a happier situation. I mean, if you HAVE TO be with this person forever, why wouldn’t you? Who knows?

          Bottom line: People(men & women) raised in a relatively happy home with both parents have an invaluable advantage over those who don’t.

          • Caballeroso

            I agree with you 99.9%!!! I’m am not against marriage and have a great deal of respect for choosing to commit to someone for the rest of your life. I don’t take commitments lightly and I believe that all reasonable possibilities should be exhausted to make them work. In some instances, no amount of effort can preserve the union; I believe divorce is justified in such cases. Moreso, I think greater effort should be put in trying to determine whether you should marry someone in the first place…not just get married because it was the expected chain of events. If you can’t see your current situation being long-term, don’t commit to it with marriage.

            Similar to your “they should install semi-permanent bc in all people until they are married for at least 2 years to curtail the occurence of people having children with people they wouldn’t consider marrying.” stance, I agree and have held a similar philosophy. Tie the tubes of all newborns and make them fill out an application for parenthood to get the surgery reversed. Qualifying applicants will have shown satisfactory completion of a parenting course, will have a spouse of two years, and an apparently reliable income source.

      • YAYER

        @Caballeroso

        i’m African , so yeah that piece of paper is a big deal. and maybe what helps is that the divorce rate in my country is much less than 30%.

        the problem is that a lot of people choose not to get married, have babies and then when the going gets tough ,walk away. i have a problem with that.

      • http://www.sandhillsfilmfestival.com Ericka shonta

        at first i believed this that marriage was outdated but please i live in the south… and the stats LIE!!!! 1in 4 marriages divorce…if they are college educated (community college or higher). and 1 in 2 for the rest of the population (i guess the dummies (joke) ) …. lots of people live (stubbornly) happily together….. dont believe the hype of the news..lots of folks are sticking it out.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i’m guessing it’s part of the reason why he won’t marry his babymomma? daddy was never there to show him family matters???

      hmmm. thanks for pointing this out. i probably should have mentioned this in the entry. honestly though, i think he hasn’t married her yet because for some men, it’s easier mentally to “do your thing” when you have a girlfriend (even a live-in girlfriend) than when you have a wife.

      really, though. who knows?

    • LuckBALady

      So you need a song to be appreciated???? What foolishness is that? PARENTS don’t do what they should do to hear no d@mn song. And that is why he was “raised” by a 15 year old girl.

  • meka

    Could someone tell me who “darth vader ass niggas” are? Lol!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      a “darth vader ass n*gga” is anybody that comes out of the woodwork when you’re already grown talking about “i am your father”

      • CNotes

        “a “darth vader ass n*gga” is anybody that comes out of the woodwork when you’re already grown talking about “i am your father”

        This info made my day! : ) *CNoting into my vernacular*

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.blogspot.com Gem of the Ocean

    champeroni–i find it very interesting, and poignant, that you bring up lebron’s (which can be translated to any males’) “daddy issues”. and i applaud you for addressing THIS aspect of the bballer who you stan for since everyone else seems to only harp on “the decision” itseld.

    i dont think its just that we (women, specifically) push men’s issues under the rug as if they arent important, but moreso that man dont talk about these issues themselves. a man’s behavior is almost always attributed to him being a man (whatever that even means) or him “doing him”. perhaps because men arent seen as “emotion” beings, its easy for both men and women to dismiss any evidence of psychological/emotional disturbances that may have occurred in their lives to cause them to be “unstable.”

    bottom line: i think if men were more willing to discuss these issues, theyd be better off and perhaps less worried about women and their baggage, and start taking inventory of their own. self-reflection and therapy work WONDERS. i doubt this will ever happen, since men are still likely to trivialize and dismiss the skeletons in their closets.

    • http://thatswhatgemsaid.blogspot.com Gem of the Ocean

      the typos that consume this whole post makes my head spin. gotta proof-read BEFORE pressing send *facepalm and smh*

      • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm keisha brown

        petitions for the edit button.

        • bajanflchick

          X_________________________ co-signing petition , I know I can feel it coming, so please allow me “petition deez”

          • http://www.twitter.com/tarralu T

            Signed with my favorite pen.
            I’m hoping Liz sees this petition…

    • Purplenat

      I agree… Partially because I feel like the issue DOES come up at times. Random movies where “HE NEEDS YOU TO BE A FATHER, CLEOTIS” or where “I CAN’T TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A MAN, BURAYTHONY” seem to pop up quite a bit, at least to me. Not that this is what makes a good dialogue/discussion about such things, but I feel like it’s not completely ignored. That being said, I do feel like it’s something that could be brought up more in general.

      Now then… Let’s see how much sense this post makes to me after I wake up. *sleepwriting*

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Gem I cosign. Men usually don’t discuss their issues. They’re too wrapped up in dissin women. We need to stop making excuses for them and start bringing ish to their attention.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i think if men were more willing to discuss these issues, theyd be better off and perhaps less worried about women and their baggage, and start taking inventory of their own. self-reflection and therapy work WONDERS. i doubt this will ever happen, since men are still likely to trivialize and dismiss the skeletons in their closets

      i agree with this, gemmie, but i also can’t let women completely off the hook. while you’re obviously enlightened and educated and willing to discuss these issues, many women don’t share your sentiment, and any talk about a man’s skeletons and baggage is usually met with “ya’ll n*ggas just need to man up” dismissal.

      • http://thatswhatgemsaid.blogspot.com Gem of the Ocean

        i agree with you, champster, but im not talking about men just blabbing about their problems to the average hoodrat on the street. we could talk about it here in this VSC (very smart community). or, even better, in the privacy of therapy sessions. and as far fetched as that may sound to most men, it helps to talk to a STRANGER who isnt going to judge you or dismiss your issues, but rather allow you (the man) to see what kinda trauma and abandonment you may have that is causing you emotional and mental destruction.

        • j.ivy

          Uhhh, I have to be a voice of minimal discourse…

          There is a difference between talking about your issues, letting go of your baggage, and using it as an excuse. With men it seems to vary between one extreme and the other. Either he’s a “I haven’t cried since 2nd grade” type dude, always suffering because they can’t be real with how they genuinely feel, at risk of being less of a man, or the “I never had a father, that’s why I’m like this” type always using things out of their control as an excuse of why they aren’t/can’t be what they are supposed to be. If those are the only options, I will honestly say, I choose the former.

          I’ve had to deal with my issues and work to overcome them to be a healthy part of a relationship, I can’t accept being with someone who is always reminding me of theirs. But, I like men from two parent homes, lol. they seem to GENERALLY be better adjusted at understanding how to be a man, mildly more comfortable with it….not macho, not especially “in touch with his feelings”, just a man. Not too keen on overly sensitive men either. Perhaps I’m just still dealing with my issues, ionno.

    • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

      I agree Gem 100%. I have been saying this for years. It seems to be so much attention given to women not having a “daddy issues”, but you rarely hear about how this problem effects men! It’s not about being soft, it’s about maning up! I am pro-mental health. I know what it is like to not have both parents in the home. My grandparents raised me! As I became an adult I realized my childhood affected me. I finally got the courage to work on my baggage and it makes me sad when I met men who don’t work on their own. Women are made to feel bad for their baggage all the time, when need to be held accountable too!!!

      It’s clear LeBron is suffering and many other men are too silently and that is where the problem is!

      Also “i doubt she’s ever celebrated father’s day“, was funny Champ!

  • http://www.unepetitefillenoire.blogspot.com KayBeezy

    I’m a little confused as to: why people assume he can’t make a rational decision in his best interest, what people (The Champ) are saying he’s making his replacement dad, why people won’t let him be great (or not great)
    Disclaimer: I don’t know all of Mr. James’ antics, so those confused questions are just out of curiosity.

    • http://www.twitter.com/courtney_mcg Courtney (VSB)

      Let’s see where do I start? Uh first off he got dunked on by an unknown college kid and then had Nike take all of the tapes of him getting smashed on. So off the top he’s a first amendment violator. And no one likes their constitutional rights violated. He walked off the court after getting beat by the Magic last year. This year he was kind enough to actually shake hands with the Celtics players, but only after he’d threw away a couple games and made up an elbow injury to cover it up. So the whole losing thing wasn’t a surprise this time around. Um…let’s see, he declared himself leader of the USA bball team though clearly he was at best third fiddle behind Carmelo and Kobe. Um he dances on the court during blowouts, but after he loses a game, he refuses to do mandatory press conferences. And when he finally does speak to the media, he wears a NY cap just to piss off the Cavs fans. He drove a friggin Hummer to class in H.S. And then there’s the whole “decision” thing. All this is just off the top of my head.

      If you couldn’t tell I’m #teamkd35/#teamkobe all day.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        when did skip bayless get a vsb account?

        • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

          LMAO @ Skip Bayless.
          Maybe I’ll change my VSB name to Jemele Hill.
          Actually.. white people hate her.. so maybe not. I like getting my bills paid. :D

          • http://www.twitter.com/courtney_mcg Courtney (VSB)

            HAAAAAAAAAAA! Hey man, love him or hate him, Skip speaks the truth! He sees through a lot of the ESPN propaganda and he’s usually pretty accurate in his predictions. He’s like Charles Barkley w/o the teddy bear loveability factor. Sucks for him though cause he’s stuck on First Take. Jemele on the other hand could write a pro Tea Party piece, followed by a “We Want Bush Back!” piece, and she’d still get blasted.

            • Sula

              S.A, is that you????? :)

      • http://thatswhatgemsaid.blogspot.com Gem of the Oceang

        i was with you til you mentioned kobe *smh*

        we cant be friends. deborah cox.

      • legitimate_soul

        I love this post :D