Leaked Emails Reveal That Colin Powell, A 79-Year-Old Black Man, Acts Exactly Like Every 79-Year-Old Black Man » VSB

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Leaked Emails Reveal That Colin Powell, A 79-Year-Old Black Man, Acts Exactly Like Every 79-Year-Old Black Man

Paul Morigi/Getty Images for Capitol Concerts

 

Colin Powell is not here for your bullshit.

He, in fact, is so not here for your bullshit that if “your bullshit” was a high school homeroom teacher taking attendance, Colin Powell would be in the bathroom brushing his waves, silently humming “I aint here for this shit” while bouncing in the mirror. He is fully committed to being completely absent whenever your bullshit is present. He’s so steadfastly not here for your bullshit that he gets Google News alerts and Waze notifications to let him know when your bullshit might be in the area, just so he can turn on Google Maps to find another route. If he sees your bullshit has RSVP’d to an event he planned to attend, he’s staying home that night to eat lemon pepper wings and watch Vice Principals.

Of course, in relation to Colin Powell, the leaked emails revealed that “your bullshit” also includes (but isn’t limited to) the following:

Hillary Clinton as President

Donald Trump as a living human being breathing air

Bill Clinton’s chastity belt

Dick Cheney’s family as a staff, a record label, and as a mother fucking crew

Ultimately, the primary takeaway from the leaked emails is that Colin Powell is petty, snarky, curmudgeonly, sly, and funny. Which means he’s every 79-year-old Black grandfather who’s ever existed. The only thing about those emails that shocked me is the lack of “White motherfuckers.” It definitely needs a generous peppering of some “White motherfuckers.” If the email leaks were a lasagna baking, it would need a light sprinkle of “White motherfuckers” and 15 more minutes in the oven before it was ready to serve. 

And while I don’t know enough about Powell to presume much more about him, I do know that, while he’s not here for your bullshit, if he’s truly like every Black grandfather, he’s definitely here for the following things:

360 minutes a week spent in aisles 13 through 18 at Home Depot

Gina Torres on Suits

Comfortable clothing

Grilling literally everything. Briskets, corn, chicken broth, cereal, Kool-Aid, couscous –you name it, it’s going on the grill

The Lincoln Mkz

The Weather Channel

The wifi and soup at Panera Bread

Falling asleep during conversations he started

Listening to rappers who were much more popular in 1999, and then asking you if you’ve heard of them

Porches

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • The only comment section on the whole internet I look forward to reading.

    • cakes_and_pies

      If these place ever folds. I would cry real tears.

      • Kas

        Seriously, and I only recently found it.

  • brothaskeeper

    Gen. Powell is also not here for mixing flats and drums together, third party candidates, people parking right next to his Town Car at the Home Depot parking lot when ALL the other spaces are available, “cuz you ain’t finna put no dent in my doe’!”, jersey burners, his “sugar” acting up, and Wale.

    • Oluseyi

      Why you gotta lump Olabowale Olufolarin in with the sugar, tho?!

      • brothaskeeper

        It felt necessary.

        • Oluseyi

          I mean, his own grandfather probably ain’t here for “all dis hipping and hopping… and why is your hair dada?”, but I digress.

    • NonyaB

      What did Wale do to you? You hate him more than the VSB official hate target (Kappas)!

    • #GaryJohnson2016

    • JayJayBinks

      I laughed so hard at this. Bravo

    • NOT WALE!! AHAHAHAHA

    • Cheech

      That’s why he parks the Lincoln in the far corner of the lot.

    • Cleojonz

      Why Wale though? lol

    • AshAlly08

      That Wale shade…. lmao

    • Yahmo Bethere

      no….not his “sugar”

    • Blueberry01

      Cuz those Home Depot spaces be mad narrow! LOL!

  • Damn. Reading that closing list…I am a black grandfather already. And my kid’s only 9.

    • The Lincoln part got me, lol

      • Oluseyi

        The MKZ is an interesting car, though…

        • brothaskeeper

          It’s….a car.

          • Oluseyi

            I liked the panoramic roof, and the concept was kinda exciting, but the production vehicle has bland proportions and no stance. And when you open the slide-back moon roof, it obscures rear visibility even more.

            Meh.

          • Negro Libre

            Like most American cars: you think you’re getting a Nicki Minaj, but once you ride it long enough, you realize all those extra features weren’t built to last.

          • kingpinenut

            It’s a Volvo. Mr. Powell drives Volvo yo

    • QueenAnnaT

      I think I’m am grandpa, too. Though I prefer the patio section and isles 2-6 at Home Depot.

    • Cheech

      Other than being white, me too.

      • Hugh Akston

        Wayte you a grandpa?

        • Cheech

          No, my kid’s only 9. But if we’re going by this checklist, not only am I a grandpa, I’m apparently black.

          Now turn that noise down, so I can listen to Bobby Bland.

  • NonyaB

    I particularly appreciate how the statement released from his camp basically states “Yes, I said what I said!”. He’s on that #ZeroFxcksLeft meditative state.

  • Probably rocks a fishing vest, with lures and hooks on his hat…
    Probably says “cracker” under his breath…
    Still insists he knows how to “get jiggy” with it…

  • Madame Zenobia

    Uncle Colin came thru like: http://gph.is/1L2ZjhR

  • Negro Libre
    • Oluseyi

      YAHOOOOO-ZE!

      • Negro Libre

        It’s hilarious, because, this is the second time he’s been hacked and got exposed by email. Ole man still uses an aol email account.

        • Oluseyi

          “If it ain’t broke…”

          • Hugh Akston

            It’s plenty broke lol

            • Oluseyi

              Mang, it’s email. It’s architecturally broke, don’t matter much who your host is.

              • Janelle Doe

                You tell the truth. I just watched the Snowden movie. Wondering why we even bother with passwords. :-/

                • Oluseyi

                  LOL. Email was conceived in a time when the total internet user community was a collection of well-intentioned, knowable (i.e., verifiable real-world identities) academics and researchers. We’ve been patching it since, but both the protocol and the transport layer are inherently leaky. And yet we base nearly all subsequent online identity on it!

  • brothaskeeper
  • Negro Libre

    The most underrated part of the whole leak was the fact that you know Colin and Condoleeza must have thrown so many “These Crackas…” back and forth that their text messages, must read like a West Coast vs. East Coast era album.

    • Oluseyi

      Ionno. I ain’t sure bout Condi. Can’t quite place her.

      But I check for her. Condi sneaky thick.

      • L8Comer

        Bahahahaha! I had no idea

        • Oluseyi
          • L8Comer

            Wots big teeth mean?

            • Oluseyi

              You ain’t about innuendo at awwwlll, are you?

              • L8Comer

                :/ what can I say?

                • Oluseyi

                  Let’s just say, “Bite it, baby…” Mmmkay?

                  • L8Comer

                    lolol, got it! :)

            • miss t-lee

              He’s talking about her gap…

              • Oluseyi

                Not exactly, but close enough.

              • L8Comer

                Ohhhhhh okay. I think gaps are crazy cute.

                • Oluseyi

                  Gaps ARE crazy cute :-)

                  • Val

                    Gaps? Oh, wait, you’re talking about teeth. Sorry. :-)

                    • Oluseyi

                      You know, the ONE time I try to behave… :-P

          • cyanic

            No man wants big teeth. I too imitated Ebony Ayes exposing my fangs when I wanted to moisturize a log. They can definitely get in the way of his enjoy and your sense of competence doing it.

            • Oluseyi

              You ain’t know what to do with them chompers, guh.

              Me and Todd gon’ write up some erotic fiction under a pseudonym about a woman who got turned on by chewing things. ;-)

              • Kas

                Cyanic is male.

                • Oluseyi

                  Confused. Why he imitating Ebony Ayes, then? Why he moisturizing logs?

                  Ohhhh. My bad.

                  • Kas

                    Thought I’d catch you before the conversation went left.

                  • cyanic

                    I should get up votes for just bringing her up.

                    • Oluseyi

                      Co-sign.

                    • brothaskeeper

                      *neither confirms nor denies knowledge of the works of one Ebony Ayes*

                      *upvotes …..for a friend*

                  • MsSula

                    Your heteronormative is showing Seyi… Loll.

                    • Oluseyi

                      It took a minute for me to connect the dots. I’m good now.

      • Darth Condi…

        • Oluseyi

          Pretty much exactly.

        • Cheech

          Those boots, though ….

          • NonyaB

            Condi was like “my conservativeness has limits and they skirt above deez knees”. ?

            • Oluseyi

              Paul Mooney did a horrible bit about Condi giving up dat ayuss precisely once a year.

              I laughed, though.

              And I felt… funny, too. ?

              • NonyaB

                OhMahGawd. Couldn’t find a clip but I can imagine.

        • Nature

          Boots.

        • Yahmo Bethere

          That outfit still gives me life.

      • NonyaB

        Hah! You “can’t quite place her” but managed to fit her into your chicks-I-check-for binder. ?

        • Oluseyi

          Me and Willard got binders full of women, Nonya. BINDERS!

          • Kas

            Cackling

          • Tambra

            At least it is not baskets.

      • rikyrah

        The woman who came up with racism is America’s birth defect-that it is in the DNA of this country. …she is far more aware than she presents at times.

        • Oluseyi

          Like I said, I can’t quite place her. Condi is an astounding intellect, but she chose to run with them f*ckers. “Pop Pop” Colin at least had the excuse of being in the military, and thus he “serves at the pleasure of the president of the United States.” Condi could have stayed in Denver teaching Russian and playing the violin.

    • Kelly Kell

      I read that between many a line in their exchanges.

  • I am in tears reading this…glad I wasn’t the only one who had this in the back of their minds. Damon, I can’t wait to meet you at next week’s “I’m Judging You” event here in DC

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