Leaked Emails Reveal That Colin Powell, A 79-Year-Old Black Man, Acts Exactly Like Every 79-Year-Old Black Man » VSB

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Leaked Emails Reveal That Colin Powell, A 79-Year-Old Black Man, Acts Exactly Like Every 79-Year-Old Black Man

Paul Morigi/Getty Images for Capitol Concerts

 

Colin Powell is not here for your bullshit.

He, in fact, is so not here for your bullshit that if “your bullshit” was a high school homeroom teacher taking attendance, Colin Powell would be in the bathroom brushing his waves, silently humming “I aint here for this shit” while bouncing in the mirror. He is fully committed to being completely absent whenever your bullshit is present. He’s so steadfastly not here for your bullshit that he gets Google News alerts and Waze notifications to let him know when your bullshit might be in the area, just so he can turn on Google Maps to find another route. If he sees your bullshit has RSVP’d to an event he planned to attend, he’s staying home that night to eat lemon pepper wings and watch Vice Principals.

Of course, in relation to Colin Powell, the leaked emails revealed that “your bullshit” also includes (but isn’t limited to) the following:

Hillary Clinton as President

Donald Trump as a living human being breathing air

Bill Clinton’s chastity belt

Dick Cheney’s family as a staff, a record label, and as a mother fucking crew

Ultimately, the primary takeaway from the leaked emails is that Colin Powell is petty, snarky, curmudgeonly, sly, and funny. Which means he’s every 79-year-old Black grandfather who’s ever existed. The only thing about those emails that shocked me is the lack of “White motherfuckers.” It definitely needs a generous peppering of some “White motherfuckers.” If the email leaks were a lasagna baking, it would need a light sprinkle of “White motherfuckers” and 15 more minutes in the oven before it was ready to serve. 

And while I don’t know enough about Powell to presume much more about him, I do know that, while he’s not here for your bullshit, if he’s truly like every Black grandfather, he’s definitely here for the following things:

360 minutes a week spent in aisles 13 through 18 at Home Depot

Gina Torres on Suits

Comfortable clothing

Grilling literally everything. Briskets, corn, chicken broth, cereal, Kool-Aid, couscous –you name it, it’s going on the grill

The Lincoln Mkz

The Weather Channel

The wifi and soup at Panera Bread

Falling asleep during conversations he started

Listening to rappers who were much more popular in 1999, and then asking you if you’ve heard of them

Porches

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • miss t-lee

    His emails and comments today have been sheer comedy.

  • Brad G

    Every part of Colin Powell’s responses to the emails reminds me of my granddaddy telling my aunt “I told you not to bring them little nyuckas to my house no more” while slamming the door in her face.

    • miss t-lee

      My grandfather (#RIP) used to get mad at us for turning on the water hose when we were outside playing….lol
      He’d open the screen door and yell at us for “running up my water bill!”

      I miss that guy.

      • Brad G

        Perpetually grumbly is so accurate…
        Dude would cut the phone line cause he was tired of people (family) calling the house and said bring yo lazy ahh down here if you care so much.
        Grandads are the best man. Salute to the real ones

        • miss t-lee

          hahahha @ the cut phone line.
          Salute to the real one, fa sho.

    • PDL – Cape Girl Shero

      Remind me of my pops….for real. He went from uber quiet (younger days) to no holds barred.

  • cakes_and_pies

    Y’all posting schedule is weird AF.
    I knew Powell was an OG who cut side-eyes, but kept silent. His leaked e-mails are comedy gold.

  • Oluseyi

    Gina Torres on Suits

    You could have stopped at “Gina Torres.” That time in I Think I Love My Wife when she sang, “Then why aren’t we fuuuuucking?”…

    (Personal moment.)

    The actual best thing about the Colin Powell emails is that, when asked about some comments (particularly Trump), he said, “I have no further comment. I’m not denying it.” Translation:
    http://67.media.tumblr.com/81b4521acd2ba613ded1b4577707c695/tumblr_n9ntrfjzmL1rt7s2lo1_500.gif

    • miss t-lee

      Exactly.
      You know what it is, I said, I meant it.

      • RagesAgainstMachines

        Awful wig and everything, I watched it in real time. That moment was EPIC! This why I will always have love for NeNe Leakes.

        • miss t-lee

          Always.

    • cakes_and_pies

      Torres does not get the respect she deserves.
      SN: That wicked witch looks like she’s saying ” I shed what I shed.”

      • Oluseyi

        That’s exactly what she shed.

        • cakes_and_pies

          Get out of my Caucasian home!

          • Oluseyi

            LOL!

          • HouseOfBonnets

            ….

      • RagesAgainstMachines

        Gina Torres is my Chelle Obama TV auntie.

        • BrownBearBear

          I’m gonna nerd out here in those VSB streets, but I love LOVED her in Firefly.

          • LifeDelishUs

            Zoe was, is, and will always be one of my sheroes…

      • Cleojonz

        HA HA HA! She does look like what’s what’s she saying. You ruined this meme for me.

      • B-Dot Willz

        People are definitely sleeping on Gina Torres.

    • Dcetstyle

      Pop Pop Powell affirmed those emails were his so fast, I immediately thought of that meme.
      Think what you want about her, but that was a great moment for Nene.

      • Oluseyi

        Yep.

        Never even saw the moment, just the meme—it’s that good.

  • Glo

    1. Those emails were amazing.
    2. His response was amazing.
    3. I’d bet there are a lot of Republican emails just like his.

  • What do y’all thinking Powell was sippin’ on when he wrote these e-mails?

    My grandpa (passed on this February) always broke out the Puerto Rican rum when someone needed to get lit up.

    • Probably Appleton Reserve. Remember, Powell is a old Jamaican man.

      • L8Comer

        definitely Appleton Reserve lol. Awww, makes me miss my grandpa. He loved coconut rum and milk in the afternoons.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Not Wray and Nephew?

        • Wray’s and Nephew’s is more for cocktails and turning up. He’s mellow at his age, and saves that for when someone really pissed him off.

      • Conrad Bess

        Wray and only Wray passes his lips at that age. My old man left Earth at 60, and I never saw anything but that rum in our liquor cabinet. Overproof or bust.

    • NonyaB

      The finest of Jamaican rum or some gwood cognac.

    • Kas

      Condolences

    • Nichole

      Paul Masson – straight

      • B-Dot Willz

        Now see that is for cussing folks out in person or via phone at the loudest possible volume. Not twitta fingas. Paul Masson would have been what he was sipping on if he had actually called her up and started the convo with “You knou what…”

        • Nichole

          It’s my dad’s go to drank! He is know for telling you what he thinks, but he is usually nice enough to pour you one too so it doesn’t sting so bad.

  • Val

    “The only thing about those emails that shocked me is the lack of “White motherfuckers.” It definitely needs a generous peppering of some “White motherfuckers.”…”

    Lol

  • Colin Powell is the president America didn’t deserve. He’s not here for any of this foolish. It’s also cool that I grew up on the same block he spent his teenage years on. If Colin Powell were on the ballot, I’d be tempted to not only vote for him, I’d walk up and down Jamaica Avenue with a “F*ck Gary Johnson” plackard with zero Fs given. That he ethered the entire political establishment in those emails makes me respect him more than I already have. GO COLIN!

    • L8Comer

      And, he’s Jamaican. Ijs.

      • RagesAgainstMachines

        And evidently from the Bronx? According to the Bodega Boys. America don’t want those problems.

        • Yes. He grew up in the Longwood section. Then, his parents hit the number, and they moved out to Queens.

          • RagesAgainstMachines

            I don’t know what any of those words mean. I’ve got a cousin from the Bronx. Between her and the Bodega Boys, I feel like I know some ‘ish but then they say some stuff and I’m all “Welp, I’m so St. Louis.”

            • HouseOfBonnets

              Long story short his parents won the lotto and moved to a more established area at the time.

            • The Longwood section is considered a part of the South Bronx. The Longwood area eventually became the setting for the movie Fort Apache The Bronx, based on the nickname of the police precinct as the last refuge of the White man in a Latino and Black neighborhood.

              The number refers to the various illegal lotteries that came about among Black people. Colin Powell’s parents hit for a decent amount of money in the 50s,so they did what upwardly mobile Black people in NYC did then: bought a house in Queens.

    • Negro Libre

      He’s probably also vexed that he took one for the team and sacrificed his political career only to get thrown under the bus by the Bush Administration. You give that man a tape recorder and a bottle of palm wine and Gen. Powell would gladly put the Nixon tapes to shame.

      • The stories he could tell about a generation would put the hacked Russian emails to shame. Let’s stick to Appleton Reserve, or Wray and Nephew’s if you really want him loose.

        • Conrad Bess

          Appleton? Wray? You really want the US to go to war huh?

      • Cheech

        I would spend a lot of money for tickets to that.

  • L8Comer

    “Falling asleep during conversations he started” &

    “Listening to rappers who were much more popular in 1999, and then asking you if you’ve heard of them”

    LOL! My dad does both of these things. He loves Trick Daddy and Master P lol. He probably listens to them while brushing his waves, lol. This article tickled me.

    • brothaskeeper

      Ya gotta understand, Trick luh da keeids.

      • L8Comer

        lolol it’s so funny. He asks me if I know the songs too and everything and stays humming “I’m a thug” to hisself.

        • Oluseyi

          Pop-pop a gangsta!

          • L8Comer

            lolol, i’m sure he’d like to think so! I don’t encourage him.

  • Dcetstyle

    This election season has been so miserable, and here comes Colin “Pop Pop” Powell to save the day. And say pretty much what we are all thinking!
    He is a national treasure.

    • Word. The Russians who leaked this don’t need to be arrested. They need to be thanked for saving us from the BS that is the 2016 Presidential election.

    • Madame Zenobia

      Colin “Pop Pop” Powell. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

    • Hes at the age where he doesn’t have to apologize…

      • Oluseyi

        Quote: “What these white motherf*ckers gon’ do to me?!”

        • My gramps used to say, “I’ll whoop ya azz and pay for it!!”

          We never did ask what he meant.

          • brothaskeeper

            That was his lure. LoL

          • L8Comer

            Whattt??? HAhahahahah!!

            Maybe it was meant to be like, “I’ll own it!” cuz he paid for it?”

            • He was good for pulling pistolas on nigras.

              • L8Comer

                damn, gramps

              • Nik White

                Sounds like my great uncles from GA.

              • Miss Chanandler Bong

                Aww, so was mine. Grandpa was from the Smokeys, and one time some young thuggish rigging boys tried to step up on him while he was pumping gas. He simply lifted up his shirt, flashed a piece, and they left.

                They can ruin his hood with a landfill and power lines, but not with some boys who wanted to act like they could star something.

          • miss t-lee

            You knew better…lol

          • KachitaB

            As my mother would say, I ain’t afraid to go to jail! Followed by a scary whisper, “Jail is better than foster care, remember THAT!”

            • cakes_and_pies

              Jaysus…

            • Conrad Bess

              Right now, I’d prefer to be Bart sleeping in his clown bed as a child than hear that. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7578bcc8f4edf0f0f0e2fbc12bd26947c876f06c9063083c9e55f4fefd69b04d.gif

              • Pamelawjenkins4

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            • Emmie

              I fell out! That is so scary! **writes this in her notebook to say to her future kids**

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            • Yay Radley

              *Copped* Your mama’s a G.

          • Nik White

            Meaning he will serve time if necessary – don’t play wit gramps!

          • heyheyno

            LMBO!!

          • thutch24

            Some things sound so gangster when you say it that it doesn’t need to make sense….it’s purpose has been served….

            and I’m stealing this quote and using it on my future grandchildren! lmao

      • QueenAnnaT

        What exactly is that age? My grandma is early 60s and she has been not apologizing for saying sideways ish for some time now.

        • L8Comer

          Nah, you have to be well into your senior citizenry to get away with that. Tell grandma to give it a few more years. Actually, on second thought, don’t do that if you value your life.

        • Nichole

          You get a pass if you’re sick. My mom started letting the “Sorry MF” flag fly proudly in her late 50s, she was sick, and whoever was probably a sorry MF.

        • AshAlly08

          Nah you gotta be older. My mom is in her early 60s and she hasn’t reached the levels of cupboard bare of fraks that my Granny reached in her 80s. But she’s well on her way, lol.

          • fedup

            My mom is 63, and has been lettin MF’s have it since about 59. Last year, she had security called on us in a mall parking lot (over a handicapped space) when she went to her trunk and pulled out a wooden stick that she had purchased just for such altercations (still had the barcode sticker on it from Home Depot).

            • Ann O’Mynous

              Aisle 13 through 18? ;)

      • Mochasister

        I think there’s a certain freedom in getting older. You don’t care as much about what people think of you. I’ve noticed that older people tend to say what they truly think and let the chips fall where they may.

        • I semi – don’t give shids and iotas of fuggs now. I must be on the cusp huh?

    • BrownBearBear

      My great-grandfather rest his soul was called Pop-Pop. He mostly lived for his Cadillac parked across the street from the house in W. Philly. He had zero time for your foolishness, will make you pick a switch and used to lovingly refer to my youngest (and favorite) aunt as “That Bow-legged hefer”. I remember the day I got to ride in that ‘Lac as a kid. You breathe the wrong way in there, yo’ azz is all kinds of grass.

      • RagesAgainstMachines

        Lmao!!! My grandad never did us grandkids but I heard the stories so I NEVER took him there. And I took almost EVERYBODY there! **almost dead but never kilt**

        • BrownBearBear

          Us great-grandkids never got the switch. But my grandma had 8 girls and they all lived in that house so I’ve heard stories from my aunts. However, I was not spared some verbal Pop-Popness. Don’t you even think of leaving that fridge door open for more than 2 seconds. He could be three rooms over and still hear the door open. You’d betta know what the fuzk what you wanted. Get in and Get out. Cause “ya lettin’ all the cold air out!”

          • RagesAgainstMachines

            Oh honey! I know what you mean! When he got that little bark in his voice, I sat my butt ALL the way down. “What’chu need grandaddy? You ok? How can I help? Be quiet? OKKKAAAAYYYYYYY!” Lhh

            • BrownBearBear

              “Be quiet! ya’ little hefah! My shows on!” His voice in my head is pretty much John Witherspoon in everything ever.

              • RagesAgainstMachines

                Hahahhahahahahahaha!!!! Now you got me thinking about riding to church Sunday mornings sliding across the back seat of the ’79 Lincoln CONtinential with my little cousin. No seatbelt and wearing tights but can’t NOBODY tell grandaddy to slow down. “Your horn works, try your brakes!” Plus we can’t even fight each other because we weren’t sure we’d make it without a concussion we may possibly give to each other. We gotta stick together. Literally. **insert Color Purple separation scene**

                Memories.

                • Cheech

                  “If God meant you to drive, he would have put a steering wheel back there.”

                  • RagesAgainstMachines

                    Soundtrack to our imminent demise “I’m coming UP! On the rough side!!!! Of the mountain!!!” Grandma just sliding us butterscotch and pats on the knee for the whole ride. LMAO! All my life I had to fight!!!

                    • Mochasister

                      I remember that song!

                    • that song does my heart such good

                • BrownBearBear

                  This is pretty much my experience.I’ve got a ton of first cousins and we all grew up together. “If I’m in this! We all gong down together….and you started it” But I do have some fond memories of sliding over the seat.

          • Mochasister

            What was it with them and not letting the cold air out?!

            • Oluseyi

              Old-azz compressors took forever to get new cold in?

              • BrownBearBear

                This and they were just old. They were in their 80’s when I was around 10. I’m 31 now. Pop-Pop served in WW2. I carried his flag at his funeral. I think I was about 10-ish or so at the time. They probably had ice blocks in the old school ice-box

            • Kas

              Electric bills.

              • Mochasister

                Yeah, but as soon as you opened the door they were hollering about closing it. Dang, can I get some purple drank in peace?

                • Kas

                  Absolutely, not.

                  • Mochasister

                    You probably don’t let your kids rub in and outside of the house or eat ice cream for dinner either.

                    • Kas

                      Coyotes and snakes so no to running in and out. we let my 6-year old have non-organic ice cream and he asked if it was full of chemicals. I think that in a nutshell captures the bizarre world I inhabit.

                    • Mochasister

                      Lawd hab mercy! Why that baby worried about chemicals in ice cream?! He sounds like a serious child. When I was six, I loved ice cream…and building forts with the couch cushions. And playing with boxes that my Christmas presents came in.

                    • Kas

                      My wife is on a serious organic and gluten free kick. As an aside, he woofed down his ice cream sandwich full of chemicals like nobody’s business.

                    • Mochasister

                      Atta boy!

            • BrownBearBear

              I may have said this down thread. But before legit refrigeration the fridge was an fridge that looked probably something down below. You had deliveries from the ice man and that block was stored in one part to keep the whole thing cold. So yeah, when you opened that door you were literally “lettin’ the cold out, ice is expensive d@mn churrin”. They we’re both farm country folks. At least my great grandma. When she got up in years, she would cook sitting down with a stool in front of the stove. That’s dedication yo’

              http://retrorenovation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/1934-White-Seal-Ice-Box.jpg

              • Mochasister

                Now that makes sense. My parents, especially my father, used to say that to us when we were kids. They grew up in the fifties and sixties.

                • LMNOP

                  Also, some people don’t want to pay to air condition the whole dam city, like my mom.

                  • Mochasister

                    You sound like my mother! Wait a minute. Mommy, is that you? Aww, damn! I tried so hard to keep you away from here!

      • Nik White

        “Pop-Pop” is so Philly.

        • BrownBearBear

          My great grandparents prepped a corner row house on S.Ithan st for well over 60 years. I was sad when the fam sold it. I’m like, “Do you know what a rowhouse/brownstone goes for these days!¿?”

    • Penelope

      Not “Pop Pop” ? Hahaha

    • Melissa

      Seriously, we all needed this so very, very badly! I like to think this was his reaction to getting his tea spilled in public…

      https://67.media.tumblr.com/d0d37fb97279ace50ed1d983b62e98e0/tumblr_n1ublitvS61qesjr7o1_250.gif

      • Dcetstyle

        Absolutely!!!!!

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