Hello. My name is Damon Young. And I’m a slow learner.
What’s a slow learner, you ask? Does this mean I’m not actually very smart? Well, I am very smart. The results of the aptitude tests I took in 4th grade — the one I laminated and carry around in my attache — proves it. I had no trouble picking up math, language, science, and recess and shit. What I mean by slow learner is that sometimes it takes me a while to learn things that really shouldn’t take long to learn at all.
I didn’t realize YOLO was an acronym for “you only live once” until at least a year after the song was released. I even remember listening to a song where Rick Ross actually said “YOLO, you only live once” and I still didn’t think to connect the two.
I have this conversation…
“I had no idea you liked me back in 2005. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I did say something to you. And I sent you a picture of my boob.”
“I thought you were just playing!”
…at least once a year.
Judging by the multiple injuries I’ve had in the last couple months while attempting to play in two rec basketball leagues, I’m just now learning I’m actually not 23 anymore.
I don’t like turkey lunchmeat. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal. I presume many people don’t like turkey lunchmeat. Well, I’ve been eating turkey lunchmeat for 20 years, and I’ve never liked it. But I kept eating it. Until one day a couple years ago when I finally said “Wait, why am I eating this? I don’t like it and I know I don’t like it. Why not just buy some ham?”
Because of my own relationship with slowlearnedness, I have some sympathy for Kim Kardashian, who apparently just learned like yesterday that racist exists and is kinda bad.
“To be honest, before I had North, I never really gave racism or discrimination a lot of thought,” quoth Kim. “It is obviously a topic that Kanye is passionate about, but I guess it was easier for me to believe that it was someone else’s battle.”
Although I do wonder how someone who’s been with Black men her entire adult life and has a dad who’s famous for defending the guy on trial in a case that produced the MOST RACIALLY POLARIZING VERDICT IN AMERICAN HISTORY can just now realize racism is, like, a thing, I can’t be too hard on her.
I mean, I had no idea “The Weeknd” was just one person until two months ago, so I can relate.