Lists, Pop Culture

Keep The Receipt: 5 Terrible Gift Ideas For This Holiday Season

fruitcakeWe’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh.  And what does nigh mean?

It means nearing, you academic, you.

Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes).  It really is the most wonderful time…of the year.  Giving and receiving.  Happy mornings and happy endings.  Love, smiles, and thanks.

Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts.  There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it.  Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving.  There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving.  We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times.  Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants.  Period.

It’s the least I can do.  ‘Tis the season!

Take a gander – a goose if you must.

1)  Snuggie

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey.  Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something.  Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999.  Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go.  At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.

2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is.  If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of  your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling?  Well, ladies you’re in luck.  Except you’re not.  This is a terrible gift.  The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real.  However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud.  I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.

Sweaty balls.

*smile*

3)  The Vulva Portrait Pendant

This sh*t right here, ninja?  This sh*t right here?  Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough.  But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level.  Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea.  This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level.  By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.

4)  The Obama Chia Pet

The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here.  The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole.  Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama.  As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro?  No?  I think too much?  Ok. Ok. You’re right.  You’re right.

5)  This Thing Right Here

Let’s help the people, people.   What are some other terrible gift ideas?

Keep relationships alive.  Keep the love alive.

Keep hope alive.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Filed Under: , ,
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • Buxxy

    HAHA! I bought my dog a snuggie… he hates me for it. lmao

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Buxxy, why, oh why, did you purchase a snuggie for your pooch?

      i always feel bad for pets with owners who find new and impressive ways to de-animal them.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @Panama Jackson,

        I always think the dogs in the advertisements for the pet snuggie are thinkin’ “Dis some bullsh*t”.

  • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

    snuggies are the worst. i could actually ok them for dogs. but ppl?? you gotta be an idiot to need a snuggie to function and stay warm.

    • Dee

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, i kinda wish I had one right now. It IS hard to type and keep your arms warm. I would openly mock someone who gave one to me, but I would secretly use it.

      • Mr. Gundam

        @Dee, As much as I made fun of this reverse house robe, I kinda want one too

        • Dee

          @Mr. Gundam, right now i am typing with one hand because it is cold in here–and that is the ONLY reason TYVM.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            @Dee, guess your heat doesn’t work?

          • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

            @Panama Jackson,

            lmao that OR they dont own sweaters/sweatshirts. or have actual robes.

      • Sula

        @Dee,

        Word!! I want a snuggie REALLY bad. They are extra useful. I just don’t want to pay for them is all.

    • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, I must be the only person on the planet who think Snuggies look kinda fun. I know you can’t be caught dead in one now, but still…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like, it looks fun after watching that commercial. i actually plan on getting one for myself…and wearing it out in public. mine is for entertainment purposes only. you are GUARANTEED to embarass anybody you’re with if you rock a snuggie to the movies.

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

        sadly, youre not the only one. i know plenty of ppl who own snuggies and think the world of them.

      • overit

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like, I must be the only person on the planet who think Snuggies look kinda fun.

        you MUST.

        *controlling snuggie induced rage*

      • Sula

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

        Nope you are not. I actually will campaign for the snuggie if I could. It’s just brilliant. I love lounging on my couch on sunday afternoons while reading and/or watching TV and my extremities get really cold… The Snuggie is the perfect accessory to turn my pages and/or change channels on the telly.

        Yeah, Snuggies are fun. I rep for ‘em. :)

      • cam1ll3

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

        what about a slanket (qvc.com)…it’s the same concept, except there’s this big ol’ pocket at the bottom to warm your feet and a kangaroo pocket up front for you to store your remote, or warm your hands or store a box of plain strawberry poptarts and some ding dongs (that’s why i want it.)…and they come in better colors…

    • Yonnie3k

      The Snuggie made $60 million and that ish pisses me off to no end.

      • miss t-lee

        @Yonnie3k,
        Wish you woulda have thought of it huh?
        Me too.

      • miss t-lee

        @Yonnie3k,
        Wish you woulda have thought of it huh?
        Me too.

        • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

          @miss t-lee,

          ill apparently never make money as an inventor then becuz i would NEVER think to make some ish that is unreasonable

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @Yonnie3k,

        I know! Made me wish I was high as a kite one day and put my robe on backwards and was like…”*lightbulb moment* Eureka! Instant toastiness!!”

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

      Don’t dogs come with snuggies..called fur?

      • miss t-lee

        @Monk,
        *loud laugh*

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @Monk,

        *high five*

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @Cheekie,

          I DO so wish I had thought of it too though. It all really makes sense. Humans love their dogs and pets SO much it’s no wonder that they naturally would want their own “fur”. We missed the boat on this one. Dang.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Monk,

            We really did. I need to think of a silly invention that will make millions of dollars. I mean who care if it’s stupid…I’m not buying it…just making loads of money off of it. lol

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @Cheekie,

          RIGHT!

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @Monk,

        LOL well ppl put all kinds of crazy outfits on their dogs for no good reason. esp toy dogs, i guess their natural fur isnt enough to keep em warm. idk. but ppl?? i mean if you cant put on some warm clothes and/or crank your heat and feel a snuggie is the ONLY way to cure your cold body while watching tv or reading, then you just suck at life.

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

          Or they just need iron supplements or something.

      • Kaye

        @Monk, LOL

  • Andrea

    Snuggies are everywhere. They’re $15 at Wegmans and my coworker’s think it’s cute to bring them to work.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Andrea, wow…that is cheap. i keep seeing them for like 29.99 in places. that’s the only that’s stopped me from buying one so far.

      • http://sjeaspeaks.blogspot.com SexyCool

        @Panama Jackson,

        DO NOT BUY A SNUGGIE. I repeat – DO NOT BUY A SNUGGIE. I test drove the one my sister bought and the doggone thing is not going to keep you warm if you have the heat set at the energy/money-saving winter thermostat setting of 68degrees.

        It’s a rather flimsy piece of material. You’d do better to take a flannel robe and put it on backwards.

        H#ll, that’s all the things are anyway – backward @ss robes.

        • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

          @SexyCool,

          thank you!!! them thangs look cheap as hell with that thin behind material. ive seen one up close and personal and lemme tell ya — id never let it touch my bare skin.

          • overit

            @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, i hate snuggies!!!!

            i hate snuggies!

            snuggies are for bamas.

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Andrea,

      LOL. I have a coworker that has hers at work too. SMH

  • http://open.salon.com/blog/hipployta Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom

    I buy Visa Gift Cards…no muss…no fuss…go get your own bloody gift as I lack the ability to read minds or care

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom, you sound like you had a few bad gift buying situations at some point in life.

      *patting couch*

      come sit on the sofa and tell P about it…

      • http://open.salon.com/blog/hipployta Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom

        @Panama Jackson,

        No bad experiences…I don’t buy gifts unless I know EXACTLY what they want…if I don’t…here’s your Visa Gift Card *two fingers*

    • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

      @Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom,

      the only thing about gift cards is how much do you give without looking cheap?? i mean, if you want to give somebody an inexpensive gift but make it look like its worth something, gift cards arent the way to go. im a fan of buying discounted gifts (tj max, outlets, clearance rack).

      • http://open.salon.com/blog/hipployta Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom

        @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,

        Adults don’t get gifts, only kids, so there is no concern about looking cheap.

        Here’s a $20 Visa Gift Card…don’t spend it all in one place…Ciao!

        I’m one of those people who just buy stuff when I want it for myself or others so holidays are like w/e

  • Mr. Gundam

    I cant find the picture but their is something out there called the snuggie karma sutra.

    Thats right sexual positions while wearing a snuggie

    • MzKang

      @Mr. Gundam,

      hahaha, that ish is hilarious. I saw it awhile back. That would be thesnuggiesutra.com.

      C’mon ya’ll?! How can you not want a snuggie now? lol.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @MzKang, b/c if you could just as easily get UNDER a blanket.

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Mr. Gundam,

      AHAHAHAHA! LMFAO @ a world where the Snuggie turns on a man more than a woman wearing Vicky Secret’s lingerie.

      I’m assuming the leopard print makes the person feel extra chexy?

  • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

    I want the Obama chia pet. Not as a gift. But I want one.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @V.E.G., why, praytell?

      or are you one of those black people who collects all things Obama?

  • umm..riiiiiiight

    First time commenting!
    I was in front of a lady in Walmart…she bought 5 snuggies…. and somewhere on Christmas 5 children will be VERY dissappointed…

    And here is the snuggie karma sutra site: http://thesnuggiesutra.com/

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @umm..riiiiiiight, was she an old lady? if she was old it might not be so bad. at some point, your grandmother has to get you some kind of WTF gift.

      I got a teddy bear once from my grandmother that said Iowa on the foot.

      she lives in michigan.

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @Panama Jackson,

        she probably got the teddy bear from the Iowa 80 truck stop. largest truck stop in the world?? it has TONS of souvenir crap in there.

  • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. naturally

    I have every intention of buying myself the zebra print Snuggie. That is all for now…. good night.

    • miss t-lee

      @N.I.A. naturally,
      I just saw the purple one (my fav. color) so now I’m intrigued…LMAO

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @miss t-lee, what’s wrong with you people?

        • miss t-lee

          @Panama Jackson,
          I’m not buying one, I just said I was intrigued. CTFU!

          • miss t-lee

            @ Panama Jackson,
            Oh yeah…you heard that new Snoop Dogg?

          • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

            @miss t-lee,

            Not buying on but “intrigued”? Sounds like you’re throwing around hints that you want someone to buy one for you. I’m just sayin’..

            How’s Snoop new joint? I hate that “Gangsta Luv” shyt with Dream. That SUCKS!

          • miss t-lee

            @Monk,
            No I don’t want one…but I do love all things purple. *snicker*

            I haven’t heard it all I just heard “I Wanna Rock.” It was alright, I’ma look up that one with the Dream, it should be interesting.

    • Sula

      @N.I.A. naturally,

      A kindred soul. I have sent out my lists: there is a snuggie on every list. The more the merrier. Lol!

      I am not trying to go trek the Alaskan country side in a snuggie… I just want to be warm in my 75 degrees house and my Houston winter. “tis all. :)

  • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

    Is that a fruity charlotte russe?

    I don’t do the gift giving season, so I can’t really comment.

    Though I do know when it’s Father’s Day, giving a man a tie (especially some tacky, goofy print) is simply thoughtless.

    And you probably shouldn’t give a person who wants an iPhone, Droid, or Blackberry a Jitterbug.

    • IVR

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like, “I don’t do the gift giving season, so I can’t really comment.”

      Same boat as you chief. Although, I can always use more ties . . . not some silly crap . . . but more for the work wardrobe (and to frequent the DC snooty type venues) can never hurt

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        @IVR, folks make it sound like DC is snobbier than Manhattan, Beverly Hills or San Francisco could ever be.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like, you ain’t seen snooty ninjas until you’ve come to a party in DC and 74 percent of the male population rocks an ascot and carries a pipe.

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            @Panama Jackson, a bunch of Roland Martins, WTF?

        • IVR

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like, “folks make it sound like DC is snobbier than Manhattan, Beverly Hills or San Francisco could ever be.”

          yeah, you’d be surprised what a government job would have folks acting like in these parts. Too bad none of them work at my agency . . . at least I’d get a little eye candy at the job.

        • Sula

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

          In my experience, dress code wise? DC errs more alongside the snootier than any of the places you mentionned. California has the whole relaxed-laid-back-while-expensive thing down pat. Manhattan is brimming with more trendy types, but DC has more of a I-dress-all-suited-up thing going on.

          They may all have equal amounts of snooty, but the DC dress style is different and more on the formal side.

    • Sula

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

      And by the way, good call on the cake name! It is indeed a fruity charlotte russe !

      (Now my mind can’t help to wonder how you knew that!! :))

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        @Sula, the lady fingers were a dead giveaway (I’m a foodie that’s been around the block like that).

  • http://TheSunk.com The Hallway

    HOw about yall get sum Gas Bill Money?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @The Hallway, that would have been dope in like June 2008…but now, it just seems thoughtless. lol.

      unless you live in Cali.

      • The One & True GEM… of the Ocean

        @Panama Jackson,

        id happily except gas bill $$