We’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh. And what does nigh mean?
It means nearing, you academic, you.
Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes). It really is the most wonderful time…of the year. Giving and receiving. Happy mornings and happy endings. Love, smiles, and thanks.
Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts. There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it. Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.
Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving. There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving. We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times. Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants. Period.
It’s the least I can do. ‘Tis the season!
Take a gander – a goose if you must.
Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey. Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something. Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999. Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go. At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.
And yes, it is exactly what you think it is. If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling? Well, ladies you’re in luck. Except you’re not. This is a terrible gift. The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real. However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud. I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.
This sh*t right here, ninja? This sh*t right here? Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough. But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level. Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea. This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level. By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.
The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here. The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole. Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama. As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro? No? I think too much? Ok. Ok. You’re right. You’re right.
Let’s help the people, people. What are some other terrible gift ideas?
Keep relationships alive. Keep the love alive.
Keep hope alive.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3