Keep Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap Away From Your Fuckparts (Just Trust Me) » VSB

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Keep Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap Away From Your Fuckparts (Just Trust Me)

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Do you remember that mobile home showdown in Kill Bill, when Beatrix plucks out Elle’s remaining good eye, sending her into hysteria as she flailed madly around that mobile home floor, blinded by rage, pain, and betrayal?

Do you remember the rush of bewilderment and horror that greeted you the first time you hit a curb or hole and flew from your bike or skateboard and fucked your whole shit up?

Or your first time seeing whatever the hell it was that Jessica Alba was doing in Honey?

Can you imagine being invited to a new friend’s house for chicken for the first time, and once you arrive, chicken-seeking and trusting, your friend’s house is actually an endless mist-filled maze in which a loop of a capella Ashanti studio outtakes blare from the speakers as rabid Trump enthusiasts chase and taunt you with guillotines and unseasoned chicken wings and the floor is coated with the very same Ninja Turtle ooze that drips freely on Jermaine Jackson’s forehead? Can you imagine the hopelessness that would assault your heart?

That’s what it’s like when you leave Dr. Bronner’s peppermint soap near your crotch for too long and that burn gets you.

Do not do that shit.

It sounds harmless enough in theory, the idea of being able to clean your booty, hair, laundry, car, walls, baseboards, body counts, pit stains and criminal record with Dr. Bronner’s highly concentrated 1001-use line of soaps. You can simplify your life thanks to the contents of one mighty bottle with a label that contains, among many other wonderful things, the following:

Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner’s ‘Magic Soap’ to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting One! All One! Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! For facial packs, scalp and soothing body rub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face & scalp. Massage with fingertips. Repeat 3 or 4 times ‘til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again. Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water & soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we’re ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!

That’s some powerful, revolutionary motherfucking soap. And that’s fantastic. But again, I beseech thee, person excited by the idea of a crazy, sexy, cool peppermint moment down by your fuckparts: do not do that shit.

I have used this stuff for years, though. When I lived in Panama, I would occasionally request that care packages from homies stateside include, along with grits and books, this bottle of wonder soap. I have used a few of the scents. There’s a tea tree joint. And lavender, eucalyptus, and almond. I have even washed my hair with the lavender situation, but after it left my scalp and locs as dry as Miley’s most digdeepingest “twerk,” I stopped.

I tried the peppermint soap for the first place, on that harrowing afternoon, after a homie repeatedly praised the soap, loving what it did for her hair. My initial encounter, though, was far from merry.

First there is a tingle. A cute little cool tingle that, if you’ve ever rinsed your mouth with peroxide, may lead you to think, “OH SNAP, I RECKON THERE’S SOME SERIOUS CLEANING GOING DOWN. MY BALLS FINNA BE ZESTFULLY CLEAN AS FUCK.”

As you progress to other holes and folds, you’ll be greeted by a cooling sensation down around the fuckparts, where le skin is far more sensitive. “Oooooh, this minty buzz is mighty powerful,” you may say.

And then that cute tingle escalates like a motherfucker, and your genitalia is ablaze, like 1001 Iggy Azalea hopes and dreams.

And you’re massaging your fuckparts with cool water, taking deep breaths, and rethinking your life choices. It’s not worth it. Fuck a tingle. Learn from my peppermint trauma. I did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

I’m not alone in my trauma. Several folks have tweeted about that peppermint torture. There is no easy way to learn this lesson, so just trust me on this: by rinsing quickly, you, friend, can prevent crotchfires.

Signed,

Singed and Bewildered

Alex Hardy

Alexander Hardy is the dance captain for Saint Damita Jo Jackson's Royal Army. He is a writer who escaped Hampton, Virginia and is now based in Panama City, Panama. There, he runs The Colored Boy, and consumes copious amounts of chicken. He has written for EBONY.com, CNN, Gawker, and Huffington Post among other outlets. Alexander can likely be found daydreaming about his next meal or Blacking It Up on someone's dance floor. He also doesn't believe in snow or Delaware. Read more from Alex at www.thecoloredboy.com

  • Been there and done that. I use the Rose scented soap and I smell like a dream! I adore Dr. Bronners!

    I switch it up with my Dove soap during the cooler months because I need moisture in my life lol

    • miss t-lee

      I can’t get too crazy with the different soaps due to my sensitive skin. However, you have me intrigued talking about the rose scent.

      • I have sensitive skin too. I can only use Ivory. Everything else has too many additives.

        • QuirlyGirly

          Ivory is very drying on the skin. What do you use to moisturize?

          • African oil, before I towel off then Palmers Coco butter once I’m out the shower.

        • miss t-lee

          I can’t use ivory either. Have my skin drier than a powdered sh*thouse.
          I use the shea moisture stuff normally, and cetaphil.

          • I live in South Florida, with this humidity, I’m always sweating. My skin doesn’t have a chance to get dry.

            • miss t-lee

              In Texas our weather changes day to day. It’s all about the moisturizing.

        • Amber

          I use ivory too. Although it can be drying for some i use an oil or lotion while I’m still wet and don’t really towel dry.

          • Yep! That’s my routine! Seals the moisture in. I’m afraid to try anything new. That sensitive skin breakout is not pretty.

            • QuirlyGirly

              I am gonna have to do the oil while wet to seal in moisture. I usually towel dry and then apply lotion

              • You will see and feel a noticeable difference.

            • Pinks

              My first son had eczema pretty terribly for his first 6 months or so, and that technique worked well for us. We used Cetaphil body cleanser and lotion for him and it’s been a miracle worker.

              • My ex husband had eczema. He use T/Sal shampoo it worked well for him. But, I could get that ninja to properly moisturize.

        • Curly Sue

          Ivory always stung my nether region, even when I was a child. HATED IT! Oddly enough though, I can use peppermint Bronner’s (mildly diluted) with no irritation. I still prefer an unscented, pH-balanced wash for my vag though. I like to smell like ME, not like Altoids, ya know?

          • Really Ivory irritates you? Those scented vag washes are not good at all. They can F* up your pH balance. Lmaoo @ Altoids!

            • Curly Sue

              Yes, girl! That white bar irked me unless I was in the tub, completely surrounded by water, and even then I didn’t like it. I had no issues with Zest, Coast, Safeguard, not even Irish Spring but that darn Ivory got me every time. I don’t use the scented vag washes, only the unscented ones because…..pH.

          • Lmao @altoids

      • I’m the same. I’ve been back and forth to my dermatologist for a host of issues this past year. I use the bar soap bc I’ve heard the liquid rose scented version doesn’t smell the same.

        • miss t-lee

          Once you find something that works, it’s best to stick with it.

          • Bushido Brown

            You have any suggestions because finding something to keep my face moisturize is a pain.

            • miss t-lee

              Sure. Two that I use:
              Clean n clear face dual action moisturizer
              Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizer

  • Oluseyi

    I don’t know about this life. But I do know not to let anything that looks, smells or sounds like scouring powder near any of my sensitive skin.

  • Detroit Skater

    first aaaaahahahahahahaha! *dead* i can’t wait to come back and read this……the title CRACKED ME UP!

    may not be good to use around your *uck parts (i may or may not know this to be fact), but it works great as a shampoo. either dilute with water (equal parts) or use 1/4 cup of the soap and a 1/4 cup of coconut milk and wash….only thing i use on my locs…. :-)

  • Edith Spencer

    Oy.

    1) Bronner’s meant to be diluted- and even then it can be very powerful.
    2) Essential oils can hurt and irritate skin. Just because it’s natural does not then mean it’s harmless.

    3) You can get Castile soap in Panama! Unscented, even! And actually, many Central Americans and Caribbean folk like to use glycerin based soaps- cleansing, naturally hydrating and does not HURT.

    • Pinks

      My aunt in Guyana makes her own blue glycerin soap and has been using it for years.

      • Edith Spencer

        Caribbean pride! And yeah, Glycerin soap is truly the way to go if you can in Caribbean and Central America. Castile soap is great if you have working outdoors in the heat- then a nice cold shower with castile can make you feel so clean. But otherwise? Glycerin is soft and easy to use and does not irritate the skin.

    • Tina

      “Essential oils can hurt and irritate skin. Just because it’s natural does not then mean it’s harmless.”

      My sister once oiled her scalp with tea tree oil…sh*t was hilarious

      • What happened??

        • Tina

          She ran around my apt like a chicken with its head cut off. And I’m just looking at her like “WTF were you thinking?!”

      • Edith Spencer

        OMG. Just…OMG!

        Does she has ANY hair left? That stuff is a straight anti-bacteria oil! That like putting Lysol (which used to be made of essential oils, mind you!) in your hair!

        • laddibugg

          Women used to douche with lysol too lol.

  • That peppermint #ShitIsSoReal! I ran a hot bath and dashed a little peppermint oil in. Biggest mistake ever B. It was not a good time.

  • Xi

    Is it weird that I like it? :-/ Also, I’ve never diluted…I guess that’s good to know.

    • Not judging but yeah, hella kinky.

      • Xi

        Lol. Not even in a kinky way. I like the clean tingle. Feels great on my scalp too. I just find it weird that it’s never bothered me.

  • miss t-lee

    If y’all are gonna use peppermint oil, it’s good to dilute it with a carrier oil.

    Just saying.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/deUwAEjEhC1uo/giphy.gif

    • I dilute it with Taliah Waajid African Healing Oil or tea tree oil. Ish is like napalm with a hint of candy canes without it.

      • miss t-lee

        Smart. Yeah, I can believe it is like napalm undiluted. *heebie jeebies*

  • Dwight Johnson

    I’m not sure if I read it right but does the instructions tell you to basically hoe bath with the soap?

    • Me

      Yes it does… Hoe bath, always towards the heart. Thanks for confirming my comprehension skills.

    • miss t-lee

      I just re-read it. And yes…lol

  • You poor, poor man. Quick question, did it perm the hair though? I kinda want to do a Jidenna look down there for the holidays.

    • Lacey

      ??

    • Lmao

    • Pinks

      Go home, Roger!

    • QuirlyGirly

      I promise- you are fool indeed- LOL

      • I’m a classic man! Because you can be mean with your crotch this clean.

        • miss t-lee

          Just slap a Duke on it, if you’re looking for that Jidenna look.

        • Charles Johnson

          i’m dead!

    • Tina

      HAHAHAHHAHAHA…this just killed me.

    • CrayolaGirl

      LOL

    • haute_coutoy

      lolllll

    • Siante

      too through!

  • Pinks

    Got it in my a s s crack one time after a bout with diarrhea and I legit cried in the shower. And in the car on the way to the sto, Craig. I stopped using the stuff a while ago and switched to Neutrogena T-Gel, which works fine for my son’s scalp.

    • Tina

      Oh, how I appreciate your honesty. LOL

      • Pinks

        I’m here for the people.

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