Keep Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap Away From Your Fuckparts (Just Trust Me)
Do you remember that mobile home showdown in Kill Bill, when Beatrix plucks out Elle’s remaining good eye, sending her into hysteria as she flailed madly around that mobile home floor, blinded by rage, pain, and betrayal?
Do you remember the rush of bewilderment and horror that greeted you the first time you hit a curb or hole and flew from your bike or skateboard and fucked your whole shit up?
Or your first time seeing whatever the hell it was that Jessica Alba was doing in Honey?
Can you imagine being invited to a new friend’s house for chicken for the first time, and once you arrive, chicken-seeking and trusting, your friend’s house is actually an endless mist-filled maze in which a loop of a capella Ashanti studio outtakes blare from the speakers as rabid Trump enthusiasts chase and taunt you with guillotines and unseasoned chicken wings and the floor is coated with the very same Ninja Turtle ooze that drips freely on Jermaine Jackson’s forehead? Can you imagine the hopelessness that would assault your heart?
That’s what it’s like when you leave Dr. Bronner’s peppermint soap near your crotch for too long and that burn gets you.
Do not do that shit.
It sounds harmless enough in theory, the idea of being able to clean your booty, hair, laundry, car, walls, baseboards, body counts, pit stains and criminal record with Dr. Bronner’s highly concentrated 1001-use line of soaps. You can simplify your life thanks to the contents of one mighty bottle with a label that contains, among many other wonderful things, the following:
Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner’s ‘Magic Soap’ to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting One! All One! Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! For facial packs, scalp and soothing body rub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face & scalp. Massage with fingertips. Repeat 3 or 4 times ‘til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again. Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water & soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we’re ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!
That’s some powerful, revolutionary motherfucking soap. And that’s fantastic. But again, I beseech thee, person excited by the idea of a crazy, sexy, cool peppermint moment down by your fuckparts: do not do that shit.
I have used this stuff for years, though. When I lived in Panama, I would occasionally request that care packages from homies stateside include, along with grits and books, this bottle of wonder soap. I have used a few of the scents. There’s a tea tree joint. And lavender, eucalyptus, and almond. I have even washed my hair with the lavender situation, but after it left my scalp and locs as dry as Miley’s most digdeepingest “twerk,” I stopped.
I tried the peppermint soap for the first place, on that harrowing afternoon, after a homie repeatedly praised the soap, loving what it did for her hair. My initial encounter, though, was far from merry.
First there is a tingle. A cute little cool tingle that, if you’ve ever rinsed your mouth with peroxide, may lead you to think, “OH SNAP, I RECKON THERE’S SOME SERIOUS CLEANING GOING DOWN. MY BALLS FINNA BE ZESTFULLY CLEAN AS FUCK.”
As you progress to other holes and folds, you’ll be greeted by a cooling sensation down around the fuckparts, where le skin is far more sensitive. “Oooooh, this minty buzz is mighty powerful,” you may say.
And then that cute tingle escalates like a motherfucker, and your genitalia is ablaze, like 1001 Iggy Azalea hopes and dreams.
And you’re massaging your fuckparts with cool water, taking deep breaths, and rethinking your life choices. It’s not worth it. Fuck a tingle. Learn from my peppermint trauma. I did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.
I’m not alone in my trauma. Several folks have tweeted about that peppermint torture. There is no easy way to learn this lesson, so just trust me on this: by rinsing quickly, you, friend, can prevent crotchfires.
Singed and Bewildered