Keep Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap Away From Your Fuckparts (Just Trust Me) » VSB

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Keep Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap Away From Your Fuckparts (Just Trust Me)

Do you remember that mobile home showdown in Kill Bill, when Beatrix plucks out Elle’s remaining good eye, sending her into hysteria as she flailed madly around that mobile home floor, blinded by rage, pain, and betrayal?

Do you remember the rush of bewilderment and horror that greeted you the first time you hit a curb or hole and flew from your bike or skateboard and fucked your whole shit up?

Or your first time seeing whatever the hell it was that Jessica Alba was doing in Honey?

Can you imagine being invited to a new friend’s house for chicken for the first time, and once you arrive, chicken-seeking and trusting, your friend’s house is actually an endless mist-filled maze in which a loop of a capella Ashanti studio outtakes blare from the speakers as rabid Trump enthusiasts chase and taunt you with guillotines and unseasoned chicken wings and the floor is coated with the very same Ninja Turtle ooze that drips freely on Jermaine Jackson’s forehead? Can you imagine the hopelessness that would assault your heart?

That’s what it’s like when you leave Dr. Bronner’s peppermint soap near your crotch for too long and that burn gets you.

Do not do that shit.

It sounds harmless enough in theory, the idea of being able to clean your booty, hair, laundry, car, walls, baseboards, body counts, pit stains and criminal record with Dr. Bronner’s highly concentrated 1001-use line of soaps. You can simplify your life thanks to the contents of one mighty bottle with a label that contains, among many other wonderful things, the following:

Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner’s ‘Magic Soap’ to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting One! All One! Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! For facial packs, scalp and soothing body rub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face & scalp. Massage with fingertips. Repeat 3 or 4 times ‘til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again. Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water & soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we’re ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!

That’s some powerful, revolutionary motherfucking soap. And that’s fantastic. But again, I beseech thee, person excited by the idea of a crazy, sexy, cool peppermint moment down by your fuckparts: do not do that shit.

I have used this stuff for years, though. When I lived in Panama, I would occasionally request that care packages from homies stateside include, along with grits and books, this bottle of wonder soap. I have used a few of the scents. There’s a tea tree joint. And lavender, eucalyptus, and almond. I have even washed my hair with the lavender situation, but after it left my scalp and locs as dry as Miley’s most digdeepingest “twerk,” I stopped.

I tried the peppermint soap for the first place, on that harrowing afternoon, after a homie repeatedly praised the soap, loving what it did for her hair. My initial encounter, though, was far from merry.

First there is a tingle. A cute little cool tingle that, if you’ve ever rinsed your mouth with peroxide, may lead you to think, “OH SNAP, I RECKON THERE’S SOME SERIOUS CLEANING GOING DOWN. MY BALLS FINNA BE ZESTFULLY CLEAN AS FUCK.”

As you progress to other holes and folds, you’ll be greeted by a cooling sensation down around the fuckparts, where le skin is far more sensitive. “Oooooh, this minty buzz is mighty powerful,” you may say.

And then that cute tingle escalates like a motherfucker, and your genitalia is ablaze, like 1001 Iggy Azalea hopes and dreams.

And you’re massaging your fuckparts with cool water, taking deep breaths, and rethinking your life choices. It’s not worth it. Fuck a tingle. Learn from my peppermint trauma. I did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

I’m not alone in my trauma. Several folks have tweeted about that peppermint torture. There is no easy way to learn this lesson, so just trust me on this: by rinsing quickly, you, friend, can prevent crotchfires.

Signed,

Singed and Bewildered

Alex Hardy

Alexander Hardy is the dance captain for Saint Damita Jo Jackson's Royal Army. He is a writer who escaped Hampton, Virginia and is now based in Panama City, Panama. There, he runs The Colored Boy, and consumes copious amounts of chicken. He has written for EBONY.com, CNN, Gawker, and Huffington Post among other outlets. Alexander can likely be found daydreaming about his next meal or Blacking It Up on someone's dance floor. He also doesn't believe in snow or Delaware. Read more from Alex at www.thecoloredboy.com

  • Courtney Wheeler

    http://www.troll.me/images/2-chainz/truuu.jpg
    It also makes your skin super dry…constantly reapplying cocoa butter..had to switch back to my Dove body wash.

    • miss t-lee

      Pretty sure you could strip the paint off a car with that shizz.
      No bueno.

    • laddibugg

      You’re supposed to dilute it! Not use it straight form the bottle on your skin. Took me a minute to realize that.
      I swiped a little bit from my boyfriend and mixed it in a small bottle with some water to wash my hands.

    • Brooklynonymous

      It’s supposed to be diluted with water — that’s a super super super concentrated soap

      • What’s the dilution ratio? Because apparently I was doing it all wrong (see post above).

        • Brooklynonymous

          I mix mine in a separate squeeze container and usually dilute 1:4 ratio (1 part bronners, 4 parts water). Squirt it onto my exfoliating cloth and go to town (with the showerhead off so the lather doesn’t dilute too rapidly).

          I know every body is different but mine dries out painfully when using ANY bar soap. So $10 for a giant bottle of Bronners, diluted, lasts forever.. I would experiment with your own dilution ratios though, but start with 1:4 and adjust as you go. It HAS to be diluted though or you’ll die.

          • This is good information to have. Thank you! I’ll give Dr. Bronner’s a go again as a body wash.

          • Cleojonz

            This is some seriously helpful information. We use them fully leaded but doing it this way, and a big bottle lasts a long time anyway, we can stretch our dollar a little. This is the same for the other flavors too or just the Peppermint? We use the Castile and the Black Soap too.

            • Brooklynonymous

              I’m sure Lavender oil (the scent I use now) isn’t as potent as peppermint/tea tree (which generally should be diluted with carriers; eg tea tree should never be used on skin alone), but it never hurts to dilute anyway.

              Switching to a foam pump or smaller squeeze bottle also makes daily use less cumbersome. That big bottle is annoying.

              • Cleojonz

                The big bottle IS cumbersome. It always ends up taking out somebody’s toes lol.

      • Pinks

        I had no clue. Maybe that’s why I never bought it again lol

    • cryssi

      I always mixed in coconut oil in mine. Didn’t do a lot, but it helped.

      I’m back to Lavender Johnson & Johnson baby wash.

    • cakes_and_pies

      My hands were crackling like i used some Dollar tree soap. Never again.

    • LMNOP

      Everyone I’ve ever encountered who used this ish smelled, so I seriously question it’s efficacy as “soap”

      • miss t-lee

        HA!!!!!
        Kinda like that natural deodorant, eh?

        • LMNOP

          Yes, just like natural “deodorant”
          Hippies trying to bring world peace by replacing bombs with B.O.

          • miss t-lee

            LMFAO
            And patchouli.

    • tgtaggie

      Motivational Speaker/Snapchat lifestyle guru DJ Khaled says that coco butter is one of his keys to success. lol.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWsf3nWZ4ow

      • Pinks

        Major. Keys.

        • tgtaggie

          And another one.

          • Pinks

            They don’t want your skin to be successful.

  • miss t-lee

    I once rubbed my eye a few hours after cutting some jalapenos so, I can only imagine what this soap did your nethers.
    Did you dilute it? Then again, that’s not really important…lol

    • L8Comer

      I had a similar experience. Went to put in my contacts after cooking with some habaneros or some other hot pepper. Imagine how painful it was to take that contact back out… *shudders*

      Also, my friend went down on her boo with certs mints in her mouth when we were in high school lololol. a bad experience for all.

      • miss t-lee

        Yikes. Luckily I wasn’t wearing my contacts, I know that had to be terrible.
        Certs? Oh my…lol

        • L8Comer

          Lol, i died laughing!! I think it was something she read in cosmo or something (high school) … only it was supposed to be altoids and all she had was certs hahaha.

          • miss t-lee

            LMAO
            Yeah, as you get older you learn you can’t trust cosmo for sh*t.

            • Amazonian Midget

              Lol the follies of my Cosmo-inspired youth.

              • miss t-lee

                You are not alone…lol

  • laddibugg

    Lord. My boyfriend had this in the shower so I decided to use it one day. Everything was going good until I came to the lady parts. At first it was OK… And then….. I sorta blacked out and apparently let out some weird sort of “whooping” noise because he came flying into the bathroom. I told him what I had done and all he said was “Yeah I should have told you about that…”
    It didn’t hurt it just felt like eating a hundred peppermint patties at once.. I swear I almost had a vasovagal response… Effervescence in one’s private parts is not fun.

    • miss t-lee

      “I swear I almost had a vasovagal response… ”

      Yikes.

    • Pardon me for laughing out loud on the train!

  • cryssi

    I’ve done it…..didn’t bother me, kinda liked it. Like freshly brushed teeth, but for your private areas.

  • But these products are particularly expensive too correct? That’s why I’ve never really used not to mention it’s like industrial size and if the bottle falls in the shower, it damn near cracks your toe. Now that’s an OUCH the world can hear.

    • laddibugg

      It’s not really that expensive because you’re actually supposed to dilute it. So it does end up being cheaper than other stuff that’s mixed with water.

  • Tee Boppaliss

    My ex insisted on buying this soap for the house. I would constantly stress that the way my eczema is set up, I cannot. No, I don’t care how natural it is, I don’t care how many chemicals are in my usual routine-give me my good Dove soap and have peace in your life.

    • laddibugg

      Cyanide is found naturally in almonds… I’m just saying….

  • Kemse

    Crotchfires, f u c kparts, and zesty balls are all being added to my lexicon. I didn’t know I needed these descriptors in my life until I saw them.

    Thanks for the PSA!

    • cakes_and_pies

      I feel like changing my name to “Zesty Balls” on GP.

      • Kemse

        I mean…you introduce yourself and it echoes in the short silence that ensues, because folks are torn between thinking:

        “Did they just say their name is Zesty Balls?” and “Why am I feeling Zesty Balls?”

        Such a gem.

    • Qris_10

      Tee hee!

  • Brooklynonymous

    Ah yes, the “Halls on the Balls” experience.

  • Cleojonz

    I didn’t even read the article yet, just the title had me going YES LAWD!!!! Gave myself a nice burn one day in the hoo-ha.

    I had a some little girls sleep over a couple weeks ago and a few wanted to take showers and I had to warn them use any of these soaps you want but be careful of that peppermint one getting in your hoo-ha.

    Anybody remember that “Brut by Faberge” bit Eddie Murphy did back in the day? It’s exactly like that.

  • Can I first thank you for printing out what those microscopic words say? For years, I tried, and my eyes were like, “Girl, give up.” I tried it with my glasses on, and it was no go. I tried to get all fancy this summer after Lasik, and still, I was getting a headache tryna read that mess.

    Anyway, that peppermint one ain’t making its way to the nether regions. Nope. Unh-unh. I use it for my bathroom sink and the like. The lavender joint is for cleaning my make-up brushes. Dassit.

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